[22:10:31] you want me to tease you, you voyeurist scum?~ [22:10:53] Not that [22:11:05] I bet Weather never -plays- with you~" [22:13:56] oh, I was shooting in the dark [22:14:23] Well shot thru the heart [22:14:44] I'm good at guessing, you know~ [22:15:17] Al_Dente sighs. [22:19:32] and now it feels bad :< [22:20:06] Curiosity didn't intend to make you feel bad [22:20:20] Curiosity can meks you feel better, tho~ [22:20:24] makes* [22:20:29] It wont :'< [22:20:48] Curiosity can arrange that, she is sure [22:21:11] Al_Dente shakes his head and goes to smoke something. "Just hit with some hard things that I didnt really want to think about." [22:22:44] Curiosity is already smoking and looks to Al with warmth eyes [22:23:06] Al_Dente feels like shit >: [22:23:25] Curiosity wants to know how to actually make you feel better [22:23:44] Nothing just give it time. Ill get over it >feelings [22:23:47] bah [22:24:24] Maybe im just boring and I should just give up [22:24:34] Curiosity nods and lets Mr.boring to deal with himself, waiting for when he wants to talk about it [22:24:51] Yep. [22:25:11] "Everybody is boring until they try to be fun, then they discover that being fun is nothing else than opening yourself to people" [22:25:48] Ehhhh the shit you said about Weather I dont know... I just ehhh i dont know maybe i should just give up it doesnt seem like it makes difference anymore [22:26:21] i dont know [22:26:26] dont fret about it [22:26:30] my feelings seriously [22:26:32] they dont matter [22:26:36] i dont know what is with me tonight [22:27:01] /me is just another forgettable character [22:27:28] You are sad and let me toy with them, now I want to apologize. That's not bad, you know, wanna talk about it? [22:27:39] Anybody has feeled like that before [22:27:45] felt* [22:27:50] I do but I dont know what there is to talk about :< [22:27:59] im crying irl and dont know why [22:29:09] We can start with that, crying is how we let our repressed feelings to burst out [22:29:18] But I dont want to :< [22:29:20] I dont try to cry [22:30:12] it's alright, Al [22:30:27] Al_Dente cries on Curiosity's shoulder, trying not to. [22:30:47] let it go out, there is something bothering you, get it out and look at it, tell me what you see [22:31:09] Curiosity hugs Al, knowing that everybody can be weak sometimes [22:31:56] look at me im crying over a random phrase on the internet, im a fucking no body, forgettable a washout, a joke, a fucking horse on the internet, A no one, and look at me I cant even be happy doing thatwow all the self depreication [22:33:46] Let it go, then, not this, let go that feeling. You know what Lucyne said [22:33:53] We have to be happy with what we have [22:33:59] and with that, build better things [22:34:18] You are someone, you are someone to a lot of people here, and all of that matters to them [22:36:09] But I dont feel like it I feel like I dont have anything sometimes [22:36:29] sometimes I think why I come here :'< [22:36:32] If you were a joke, would I'll be caring about you? I'm not the best one at refraining from laughing. You cant be stoic all the time and wait for everything to be kept inside, let it go [22:36:38] fuck me :< [22:37:05] wow look at me IC i would just be bitter and angry as fuck about that and just ignore it [22:37:11] but why cant I do it IRL this time [22:37:44] because you are tired and cant waste more energy on that [22:38:08] you are wasting yourself over a feeling of depression and lack of self esteem [22:38:13] but this doesnt feel right or anything [22:38:33] who said it was going to do? people don't like to cry, but it is necessary [22:39:11] Al_Dente cries more on Curiosity shoulder. [22:39:20] i feel like such a fuck up [22:39:49] im sorry Bir [22:39:52] Al.. it's ook [22:40:00] nobody can be strong all the time [22:40:08] But i have to be [22:40:13] or what? [22:40:35] I dont know but im scared [22:41:01] you aren't being strong now, but I'm here to hold you, people who care about you will be there to hold you when you can't be strong [22:41:09] it doesn't makes you worse [22:41:29] it makes you better, it makes you reachable and human, and even more special [22:41:30] im scared about what ill feel so I just try not to, I dont want to be emotional because it hurt soo much right now. I just dont want to feel it [22:41:38] I dont understand what im feeling, please CUriosity. [22:41:44] Al_Dente takes a deep beath. [22:41:47] breath* [22:42:29] You are tired, Al... I want you to calm down and think. I'm here to help you understand [22:42:43] Im not tired anymore :< [22:42:48] Im calm, im calming down. [22:42:53] Im calm. [22:43:17] Curiosity hugs Al tightly [22:43:33] Al_Dente holds Curiosity back. "I feel like a fucking bitch for that." [22:44:30] Its hard to know that you arent invincible, don't let yourself get in your way, please. Get to know that you have to fall sometimes, life works like that. [22:45:20] I know im not invincible but. Growing up and all the bullshit it is easier not to try and feel things than like this here [22:45:42] Dealing with them, the crying, the chest, I dont know... itits hard when you dont usually have someone or something to fall back on [22:46:29] Easier is not better, and now you have. I don't want you to feel tied or obliged, just let it go and tell me, where can we start to understand what is scaring you? [22:47:45] Al_Dente nods and sighs. I dont know it just shit like that I... Ehhh, just taking everything on the chin and then it will be one line like that or something I see and it will literally cut thru me then tryand ignore it or forget so yeahhh [22:48:41] I dont know what scares me about the whole thing I just guess ehhhhh I dont know. I love my ship and all that, but ehhh.... not nearly as much action or >kinky stuff as I would want, cant complain but then the irl things I dont know I guess I am just depressed and a mess or something. [22:49:04] Al_Dente kicks his hooves at the ground. Yeah... Shouldn't have to trouble you with this. [22:49:44] Oh, don't run away from me [22:50:09] I never was one for sharing things like this :/ [22:50:20] Or dealing with them I suppose [22:50:26] >coping is a good word [22:50:45] Look Curi im sorry I dont know what is up, I.... Ehhhh [22:50:51] I dont want to waste your time [22:51:23] You are facing yourself now, Al, if you want me to be at your side while doing it, I'm here for you, but if you want to do it alone, I won't stop you. Just know that you have been containig this for long, it seems, and coping with it yourself haven't been of much help [22:51:34] [[ hurr lets just make this IC and you see how broken a person can get :\ ]] [22:51:43] haha, don't be silly [22:51:46] [[ no please dont go :< ]] [22:51:57] [ok] [22:52:05] no... no it hasnt *sigh* [22:52:17] >coping with it yourself [22:52:21] this isnt the only way to do things? [22:52:37] it never has [22:52:51] you want me to be IC? [I can do that] [22:52:56] [if it makes you feel better] [22:53:17] i dont care eitherway this is hard irl and ic i am my ic and shit so i dont care you do what you prefer. I appreicate all of this [22:53:29] I dont try to do shit like this, >family ehhhh >friends ehhh [22:53:39] just talking o sharing feelings I just dont know :\ [22:53:47] I appreciate that you are trying to do it [22:54:06] Look I feel bad cause im keeping you up and all that, you dont need to hold up because of me. [22:54:29] Curiosity doesn't have much trouble with it [22:54:42] Al_Dente is serious and doesnt want to be a burden. [22:55:00] Curiosity has never liked burdens, you know her [22:55:04] ok... I... Ehh I wish I knew how to talk about tis [22:55:34] Only a handful of people actually know how to talk about themselves [22:56:23] I don't expect you to know everything, and nobody expect you to keep it inside all the time. Perhaps your life has been like that much... [22:56:42] Having to keep yourself inside a frame so people cant hurt you? [22:57:03] It is easier that way [22:57:41] I know [22:57:54] I know it isnt healthy but ehhh grew up like that, emotions, excitement, enthauiasm. I know it is a downer but getting excited and all that shit is great but having your hopes crushed time and time again. Well you learn to try and push those things as far away as you can [22:58:18] I dont know sometimes I feel like it is too late to change things. How I am :( [22:59:04] You are doing great, people is always scared of sharing such thoughts [22:59:15] You are being truly brave now, was it that hard? [22:59:49] It was hard. But I.... Like im too set in my ways, too far gone to change anything about myself and the sooner I learn to just accept it the better or easier things will ger [23:00:07] Al_Dente sits down and hugs Curi. "i dont wanna admit these things." [23:00:35] eak :< like there is something wrong with me [23:01:46] What could be wrong with someone who wants to be happy and live quietly? you don't have to force yourself to accept a way of existance you dislike. You aren't being happy with how you are dealing with your life right now. Now, I want you to focus... what could have crushed your hopes so badly? [23:02:00] and i cant shake the feeling like im wasting your time talking to you :,< I feel like im not worth it or your time, that sorta bullshit [23:02:53] i have a few friends, family, you guys, school, some things here and there but I feel like I live a meager existence, that I could just POP and gone, no biggie all that [23:03:17] My hopes what hopes, I try not to aspire too far because ehhhh, just all that shit. Simple things, always suprised with no expectations. [23:03:56] Crushed hopes ehh I dont know my parents were difficult but alright, school was hard and some things crushed my motivation growing up, friends heh a few here and there but people are mostly shit [23:04:13] Just these things I dont know what has made me into the seemingly bitter and cynical person I am today [23:04:32] I try to be happy, you claim I can be naive at times but deep down I dont want to beleive the harsh bullshit and everything that I know exists [23:05:13] hmmm.. [23:05:23] Curiosity now feels a bit bad for being so hurtful [23:05:23] and then the feeling not being to express/show emotions not too well [23:05:26] it makes things hard [23:05:44] Please dont. Sooo many people in llife like that [23:05:52] Alright [23:05:56] Some are fun, some are exciting, ours was fun but i dont know there are some things [23:06:00] that cut into my soul :< [23:06:04] like nothing else [23:06:21] it shouldnt have [23:06:37] and I was fine, after months of horse RP this bullshit just i dont know [23:06:56] Im sooo used to being able to repress fuck it ill say it, supress emotions and shit that happens [23:07:02] but here its hard not to feel things :/ [23:07:30] like that im wasting your time and not worth it because clearly your a great person and care :\ [23:07:34] cant shake shit like that [23:08:15] It'll just waste you until you break down again, Al, and perhaps when you do it again.. other people won't be there to hold you, because they'll assume that you can handle it [23:08:51] Dont change how you do your character, I need a foil to bring shit out like this in me..... I suppose why IRL i come off as such a cold and jaded character because nothing really does contrast or bring out anything other than how I act [23:09:07] tfw ill handle it [23:09:14] but at what cost [23:09:18] >monotone [23:09:21] >emotions [23:09:22] it won't be worth it [23:09:23] >feelings [23:09:30] it hasnt been [23:09:32] but like I said before [23:09:46] Like im too set in my ways, too far gone to change anything about myself [23:09:49] :< [23:09:53] that is what hurts the worst [23:11:30] hmmm... As long as you keep doing it.. and not wanting to grow of it [23:11:38] an at times i pride myself in being able to do this shit [23:11:39] then you'll be wasting your time, not mine [23:11:44] but how do i change it :< [23:11:46] I dont know how [23:11:53] I dont have the support like you right now [23:11:58] i wouldnt know where to start [23:12:10] am I a shit person [23:13:32] Don't try changing yourself, Al, you are a bright and good person. Try changing the way you want others to see you, search for another breaking point and search for someone to hold you when you do it. Don't go there causing people to take pity on you, though, be strong by showing them that you can expose yourself, and still remain. [23:13:48] Life is about taking shit, you know [23:14:04] But when it start to waste you... [23:14:18] when it start to gnawl into you, your moral and your feelings [23:14:49] that is the time to strike back and let it know that you are alive and wanting to stand [23:15:29] Sometimes I dont even love myself :< I dont know how I would start, I have tried looking inside. Introspection, psys, family, shit writing and my past but still I cant ever seem to catch a break or find a calling. Maybe some clues. I know what life is about ive done nothing but take it in stride and wear it like anyone else would, like it hasnt happened [23:15:57] but I cant help at times feel old even just turned 21yo, like these fucking people >kids >children ect ect even when I dont want to and just want to have fun [23:16:29] it is cutting into me but I dont know how'd i stop please help me Curiosity I fucking feel helpless in this situation and just try to push it away and put up because [23:16:34] what can i do :( [23:16:50] You know that our greatest enemy is within us, don't you Al? You've sold to yourself [23:16:52] tfw damaged goods [23:17:13] what do I do Curi though [23:17:19] I feel sooooo helpless [23:17:25] and alone like nothing else about this [23:17:33] It'll be alright, but you have to recover your freedom [23:17:43] You are afraid of taht [23:17:46] that* [23:18:27] Al_Dente just hugs to Curiosity his throat dry. [23:19:46] it feels good to feel even if it hurts [23:19:47] That's all, Al. You are afraid of being yourself because it's easier to be tied to your own thoughts of defeat and hopelessness (is that a word?). You know yourself, Al, but you are leashing you and constantly punishing you for any mistake that may damage your cover. [23:20:06] Curiosity smiles to Al and caresses his back [23:20:34] It hurts to look and what I say about myself [23:20:36] It may hurt a lot, but its worthy, that is something really worthy, even to die for [23:21:09] I dont want to feel or be like this [23:21:11] I want to be happy [23:21:17] Everybody wants to [23:21:31] I want to be myself [23:21:36] I dont even know who I am [23:22:08] this is hard but im feeling better slowly [23:22:12] all that weight :/ [23:22:44] its like its floating away :';( [23:23:24] Curiosity now is really glad and tears a bit as well, out of pure happyness that her friend is helping himself [23:24:12] No You helped me [23:24:41] Give you the chance to know you, Al, you have tricked everybody into your cover that you forgot how you really are, still, deep inside, you prevail, you only needed to be pointed into it. [23:24:44] tfw IC i might have lost my shit just cause I couldnt handle that [23:25:05] or moreso [23:25:10] wouldnt know how to [23:25:23] Curiosity assumed so [23:25:45] I wouldnt be cant sleep after something like that [23:26:22] Am I that predictable? [23:26:30] Did you really see thru it that easily? [23:27:22] I could, but if nobody else have helped you before like this, then its a sing that you have done a good job hidding yourself from others [23:27:29] sign* [23:27:50] I'd really like to pick that up IC now :) I mean that is if you want to [23:28:09] I suppose I have done maybe a job of that growing up up till now still [23:28:31] Curiosity nods, still smiling, but first she needs to prepare herself a drink and eat something [23:28:53] Take your time, you did for me. [23:30:06] thanks, I won't take long [23:31:24] fuck I havent poured my heart out like that in ages [23:38:39] k I'm back [23:38:44] oh.. [23:39:00] Curiosity is now happier and more thankful [23:39:07] Soo how do you wanna pick this up [23:39:10] No Curisity [23:39:15] curiosity* [23:39:20] Al_Dente is now happier and more thankful [23:40:03] heh, we both are, that indicates that it was actually good. You weren't wasting my time, you see? [23:40:11] Anyway, how can we pick this up? [23:40:23] well we can pick it right back up from where we left off [23:40:30] im starting to feel alittle [23:40:35] happy [23:40:58] That's actually real good [23:41:15] also, I just learened how to spoil text :D [23:41:50] :3 [23:41:52] I owe you [23:52:27] But seriously what gave it away [23:53:11] haha, I can't type as fast as you, Al, give me a second to deal IC first [23:53:48] no worries [23:57:36] I take it is bad if she hasnt seen something like that once [23:57:40] or that side of me :/ [23:58:01] you love her, it's obvious that you don't want to worry her [23:58:14] Al_Dente just nods silently. [00:25:15] still hard :b [00:26:16] you'll start to find it easier with the time.. just never forget that you are strong enough to handle it without having to delude yourself into ignoring it. Let it touch you, but don't let it ruin you. [01:20:56] "Just these things I dont know what[ curi ]]... [01:21:07] pp can we lock ,i about to pass ou :b ]] [01:22:32] we can timelock or black out if you want, whichever is fine [01:29:50] Curiosity [~pallmall@190.121.70.185] is now known as Curiosity-sleepan