Title:           Hank Hill in Equestria Greentext
Author:          taZe
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/2n63xaWQ
First Edit:      Monday 13th of July 2015 09:05:56 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Monday 20th of July 2015 05:39:10 AM CDT

>Be Hank Hill, assistant manager of Strickland Propane
>The Cowboys are taking a Hwoopin' so I step away to check up on my boy, Bobby
>I worry about the boy, he ain't right
>Can hear Bill making untoward advances on my wife as soon as my back is turned
>I'm gonna kick his ass later
>Open door, Bobby is smooching a rainbow horse doll on the bed
BWAAAAAH!
>He tries to tell me he fell on it
>Got dang Peggy, I told her letting the boy do what he wants is unhealthy, he ain't right
>Walk over to the bed and he runs to the window
>His five fruit pies a day diet have made him unable to even lift himself out the window. Good Lord
>Looming over Bobby I extend my hand in an authoritative manner
Hand over the horse Bobby!
>"Dad stop, you don't understand our love!"
Bobbeh, enough is enough. Give me that horse!
>Bobby slaps my glasses off
>I stumble backwards slightly dazed from my sudden loss of vision and the shock of what that boy did
>I get on my knees and manage to find my glasses with my impaired vision
>I look up and see the boy hefting his Baseball bat over my head
BOBBY NO!
>I suddenly awake to the sound of rushing water
Dangit...mah head!
>My vision is blurred from pain and I'm so thirsty
>I groggily crawl over to the nearby stream and scoop up a hand full of water
>EXCEPT I CANT
What in the Hell?!
>My hands are marshmallows
>I look into the river's reflection
 
>MFW I AM A HORSE
 
>I try to stand up, but i already am. I wasn't crawling I was walking
>I shake my new hooves to try and get a feel for them
>I slap myself over and over again trying to wake myself up
Good lord, this isn't a dream!
>Calm down Hank, don't lose your head, no matter what stay calm
>What would Coach Sauers say if he could see you freaking out like this?
>"Hank you little cry baby, keep it together or i'm putting in Gribble!"
>"Good god coach they'll eat me alive! Hank keep it together, I want to live!"
>Okay, I am now a horse. First let's take a look at what we've got to work with here
>My fur is the same color as my skin, and i kept my hair
>A couple jumps and short lap around a row of trees shows that i'm in peak condition
>Not bad, it's like I'm in high school again, still my lack of fingers is horrifying
>I climb the nearest hill to get my bearing
>It looks like there's a little village a couple miles from here, maybe someone can help me!
>I start galloping towards it (ugh). Whoever lives there they better have some got dang beer because this has been a hell of a day.
 
>I try to stand up, but i already am. I wasn't crawling I was walking
>I shake my new hooves to try and get a feel for them
>I slap myself over and over again trying to wake myself up
Good lord, this isn't a dream!
>Calm down Hank, don't lose your head, no matter what stay calm
>What would Coach Sauers say if he could see you freaking out like this?
>"Hank you little cry baby, keep it together or i'm putting in Gribble!"
>"Good god coach they'll eat me alive! Hank keep it together, I want to live!"
>Okay, I am now a horse. First let's take a look at what we've got to work with here
>My fur is the same color as my skin, and i kept my hair
>A couple jumps and short lap around a row of trees shows that i'm in peak condition
>Not bad, it's like I'm in high school again, still my lack of fingers is horrifying
>I climb the nearest hill to get my bearing
>It looks like there's a little village a couple miles from here, maybe someone can help me!
>I start galloping towards it (ugh). Whoever lives there they better have some got dang beer because this has been a hell of a day.
 
>Panting more out of fear than tiredness I poke my head out. The coast is clear
>Shaking off some hay straws I start walking again.
>"BOO!"
NOOO!
>The demon horse managed to climb onto the building's roof. It was eyeing me like a hawk, a horrible smiling hawk
>Falling onto my hindquarters I pleaded for it to leave me alone
Please just go away, mean you no harm demon horse!
>The smile turns into a grin
>"I'm not that bad once you get to know me silly billy."
>It hopped off to help me back onto my hooves.
>"C'mon mister, just tell me your name!"
>Better do what it says, maybe I can find a chance to slip away
Uhh, I'm Hank Hill, Assistant Manager of Strickland Propane.
>It furrows it's brow in confusion "Pro...paint? Ooh you're an artist, draw me a picture!
>It pulled out a pencil and paper from it's curly hair and handed it to me. Actually holding it with hooves, how in the hell...?
No you dolt, propane, its a liquid and a gas!
>The demon horse grabbed me and pulled me along
Where in the hell are you taking me!?
>"You sound grumpy, when I'm hungry my belly gets all grumpy too! Lets go fill that tummy buddy!"
>Partially stunned that I haven't been eaten and partially enraged that this jackass doesn't know what propane is I let it lead me around, shoot, maybe there's beer where we're going
>A boyish but feminine voice called out from above, stopping her from pulling me
>"Hey Pinkie Pie where are you going, and who's this weird guy?"
YOU!
>It's the rainbow horse! The one Bobby was kissing!
>"Do I know y-"
I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!
 
>Woah you got some sort of problem with me dude!?"
You bet I do! Who do you think you are tryin' to seduce my boy, he's only thirteen for god sake!
>"What?"
>I Punched that horse right in it's got dang horse face, Its her fault I'm here! I sent her flying straight into the water fountain. The other horses all started going crazy, running for cover.
>"Rainbow Dash are you okay?"
>This "Rainbow Dash" character came flying out of the fountain ready for a fight. Rainbow Dash... must be some sort of dirty hippie.
>"What's your deal man!?"
My deal, ya dang reefer fiend, is that you made my son into some sort of horse weirdo!
>"Dashie, are you really a reefer fiend!?"
>"Pinkie, get back, I'm about to break this guy's face off!"
>"Please Dashie, friends shouldn't fight friends!"
I am not her friend, she's trying to ruin my boy by turning him into some kinda sexual pervert!
>"Rainbow Dash, you apologize to Hanky right now!"
>"No way, I think I chipped a tooth back there. This guy is toast!"
Why don't you put your money where your mouth is you rainbow freak!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twSyUzRRY08 [Embed]
>"BRING IT OOOOONNN!"
>Little Miss Rainbow came flying at me but you don't make it to State without learning how to take a tackle. I tell you Hwat!
>I grabbed her and forced her into the ground and gave her a headbutt to the snout, but she kicked me off
> Dang near blacked out when she bucked me in the forehead, but like coach always said, "PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN YOU PANSY!"
>Right before i fell over I managed to grab her left wing with my hooves (that's just asinine) and drag her with me in a tumble
>We rolled right on into the main building in the center of town. If I wasn't about to tan this little deviant's hide I would taken the time to congratulate the architect for such fine craftsmanship
>There where horses at desks screaming but they got out of the way real fast once we got back at it
>Somehow we made it to the second floor
 
>"Rainbow Dash, what in the Princess' name are you doing!?
I apologize for the mess madam, but this pervert needs to be taught a lesso- OOF
>”Yeah beat it Mayor!”
>I got punched straight out the window I tell you hwat!
>If I hadn't landed on a cart of apples and apple accessories that would have been real bad!
>”Oh what in the hell mister, you done ruined half of my daily sales!” Something about this one rubs me the right way
And I am sorry, but this rainbow she devil needs to be put in her place, her behavior may be accepted here, but in America we have a little thing we like to call decency!
>”Beg your pardon?”
>”Get out of here AJ were fighting!”
Gwahhaha
>She tackled with my back turned, that cheating hussy!
>As we wrestled on the ground I heard something about a Twalot, but it didn't matter I had her right where I wanted her!
Should have stuck to the air , you aint no match for me down here!
>After a few good punches to the ribs she managed to squirm away
>”You're a friggen psychopath! Im outa here!” She's trying to run away!
Get the hell back down here and let me kick your ass!
>There's no way shes coming back, she's slowed but I gotta think fast!
>A quick look around and I saw it, an eggplant!
>But this was no ordinary eggplant, it had just about the right shape and weight of your average Arlen County Football Committee approved football!
This is for Coach Sauers!
>As perfect as ever, the eggplant struck her right on the back of her head, just short of 20 yards away!
>She fell to the ground and it didn't look like she was going anywhere anytime soon when I got up to her.
Now that we've got that settled, I wanna know just what in the hell am I doing here and what it is you're doing to Bobby's brain!
>It doesn't look like I'm getting any answers soon though, because I have just been lifted into the air for no reason
>I float for no reason a few feet in front of a purple horse, and she doesn't seem happy with me
>I tell you hwat
 
>Just after had been brought to the purple horse I had been detained by the local authorities
>I tried to explain to them what happened, but it had then occurred to me that I've caused property damage and assaulted a horse
>Dangit, at least they seem to have the same due process as the American legal system
 
>It's been two days since I've been put up in this jail house
>All they're giving me is this hippie vegetarian crap but I have to eat something
>Boy what I wouldn't give for a cut of sirloin right now
>I'm supposed to be meeting with that purple horse from before
>It better not use any of that hocus pocus on me, and it better have answers
>The guard horse took me from my cell to some sort of interrogation room and sat me down in front of it, he cuffs my arms to the table
>"You have five minutes Ms. Sparkle, if he gets aggressive we'll be right here to stop him."
>Miss Sparkle? That's a name for a dog, not a horse. But then again that little degenerate's name is "Rainbow Dash"
>"That won't be necessary officer, I'm sure that 'Mr. Hill' won't be any trouble"
>He walks out and slams the door behind him
>"Now see here Mr. Hill, I do not appreciate you beating up one of my closest friends, but I sensed something extremely off about you."
>She leans forward to whisper
>"You're not from Equestria are you?"
Yes! I-I mean no, i'm not!
>Finally! Maybe this horse really can help me!
>"Shhhh! Keep it down, do you want everypony to think you're crazy!?
Sorry, no I'm not from... whatever this place is, I'm from Arlen, Texas in the United States of America!
>"I don't know what you're saying, but I can help you. I can pay for your bail and have all the charges dropped, In return you have to come with me for tests and analysis."
>Boy I don;t like the sound of "tests and analysis", but this could be my only way out of here.
>I don't have any money and this Sparkle girl may help me get home
You've got yourself a deal horse, just get me out of here!
 
>And so true to her word Miss sparkle got me off the hook, but boy did that come with a price
>On the first day she strapped me down to a board and spent all day with this weird little lizard thing jabbing me and probing at me with all sorts of doodads
>Then the next few days she infected me with something called "poison joke"
>I was talking all day like a damned Canadian, with the eh's and what not
>I was just glad the fellas couldn't see me then, I must have looked like a jackass
>The worst of it was on the fourth day when she took blood samples and had me give her... uhhh... semen sample...
>It took me a the whole day to fill up the cup she gave me
>Dangit, even in this horse body my narrow urethra is giving me hell
>This has been going on for over a week and Twilight Sparkle says that this will be the last day, once she finishes this experiment she says she can tell me about my situation
>"C'mon hank, Twilight's waiting for us just over this hill!
Yeah keep your shorts on mister, im comin!
>I like this little Spike fella, he reminds of when Bobby wasn't so weird
>When I get home that boy is going to get it!
>Sure enough Twilight is waiting for us up on the next hill over with the restraint board.
Good lord, i thought we were past this!
>"Sorry Hank, but this is necessary, just climb on up and we can get this over with"
>Well she does look apologetic at least, sure what the heck, the worst is over
>I lay down onto it while Spike strap me in
So what are we doing today, more probes, the pony pox again, or-
>(BOOM) A thunderclap interrupts my speech
>"Actually today is shock therapy day!"
RAINBOW DASH!
>Right above us in the that damned rainbow horse was sitting on a thundercloud with a scowl on her face!
What in the hell is going on!?
>"Well Hank you caused a lot of trouble for the town, most of it I managed to pay for and call in favors to fix, but Rainbow Dash wouldn't drop the charges unless I promised her some payback"
>Dear god no
Dear god no!
 
>"We'll be back in an hour for him Rainbow Dash, don't hurt him too badly!"
>"Yeah whatever Egghead, just leave us alone!"
>Oh she's going to kill me
Look Rainbow Dash, cant we walk this out in a-
>"We're done 'talking' 'Hanky', I was out of commission for five days after that crap you pulled!"
>She jumped and a lighting bolt zapped me right in my chest
BWAHAHHHH
>"You're mine for the hour and i'm gonna make every minute count"!
 
>For the entire hour that Rainbow Dash hwooped on me I thought i was going to die
>Nonstop pain, whether she was zapping me or occasionally flying down to slap my face and punch me in the gut
>The last time I had been worked over this good was when Cotton got mad at me for not shooting that deer
>Oh god what is she doing now?
>Shes moving the cloud right onto my body!
>She flies straight up into the air... I cant see her anymore
>A rainbow?
>No... Rainbow!
>"Okay Rainbow, your hour is- SWEET BABY LUNA!"
>Oh god, I thought if anything I would be killed by Bill in a fit of drunken jealousy!
>This is all Bobby's fault
DANGIT BOBBYYY
 
>After a day of recovery in Twilight's Library I was finally going to get some answers
>That Rainbow Dash would have killed me if Twilight Sparkle hadn't gotten me out of there in time
>Maybe another week in the hospital will teach her some respect
>Got Dang it I could use a beer. This is the longest I've been dry since middle school
Spike, what in the hell is taking Twilight so long?
>Guhh, that girls got the boy dusting the bookshelves
>How is he supposed to become a man when he's stuck doing women's work all day?
>"Take it easy Hank, Twi just needs some time to figure this all out. If anyone can help you it's Twilight Sparkle, just give her some time!"
Well that's all fine and dandy, but every day I'm here my wife is missing me and my son is becoming more of a weirdo!
The boy needs discipline, he's not right!
>"Don't worry Hank, I think I've drawn up a potential remedy to your problem"
>Finally, that egghead of a hors-err pony is here
>She's got a chalk board
>"Okay Hank, here is what I've been able to surmise. Based on your biological makeup it's fair to say that you are 100% non-pony, yet your physical manifestation here in Equestria is a perfect match for the pony anatomy."
Uhhh... dumb it down a bit, I'm more of study hall guy than a science wiz.
>"She's saying you only look like a pony."
>"Yes, thank you Spike."
Well okay but how does that help me?
>"That is where I was going to. Thanks to your pony body you have innate magic inside of you. All ponies in Equestria give off a magical residue that can be sensed by unicorn ponies if they have the mind to do so.
>"Because on the biological level you are a 'Human', your magic is unique and therefore easily traceable by means of....
>Good lord she just keeps going on and on, I can barely understand a word of this egghead mumbo jumbo...
>"-and so at my request, the Royal Canterlot Magic Academy has input your DNA into the experimental Magical Sensory Sonar."
 
So you use my magic to do hwat now?
>This is so asinine I could fall to the floor and vomit if it weren't so important
>"It is my hopes that using the MSS we can use your magical residue to locate your point of origin, thus working out a way to send you back."
So you don't even know how to send me home??
>"Well Hank, it's not so simple. We have no idea whether you come from a different dimension or another planet all together. In order to solve a problem one must know exactly what it is."
>Dangit, girls got a point
Well alright then, but how long will it take for the uhh... sonar to find my home?
"Well that's another issue, it could take days, weeks, maybe even a year. It may-"
>Spike interrupted her by burping out a green flame
>I don't think fire can be green
>Aw heck, they got dragons and ponies that can move thunderclouds here
>Green fire is normal
>Paper?
>"That could be it, hand it over Spike!"
>"Lets see.... Dearest Twilight Sparkle......pet project......on behalf of the Royal Canterlot Magic Academy......aha!"
>"We have detected a faint but clearly distinct trail of magical residue matching the samples you have provided!
Well alright!
>"As we have suspected to be the most plausible outcome of your strange theory in the case of your subject, the 'Hank Hill' is from this dimension.
>"Enclosed is a set of rough coordinates that should provide useful in your search for the subject's point of origin."
>"Huh, that's odd..."
What is it, you know where to look now don't you?
>"...Yes... but if I'm reading these coordinates right I'm afraid we can't make any forward progress until the sun sets"
What, no!
>"I'm sorry Hank, but you're just going to kill some time until night time."
It's ten in the dang morning, what am I supposed to do all day?!
>"Please Hank, calm down. I've heard you complaining about your favorite beverage, maybe a visit to Sweet Apple Acres can quench your thirst?"
They have beer? Why in the hell didn't ya just say so!?
 
>"Here, go make a day of it. I need to make some preparations and calculations anyway"
>She's floating over a small sack of what I assume is money
>Shoot, I had forgotten about not having a dollar to my name
>"Spike, find me 'Cloppenheimer's Guide To Theoretical Physics' and the 'Complete Guide to the Pony Anatomy' and bring them to my study."
>"I'm on it Twilight!"
 
>This entire place is absolutely ridiculous but at least it's peaceful.
>It's like paying a visit to a farm, except I'm stuck here
>Dangit
>Dangit, how in the hell do these ponies do so much without fingers?
>I figured out the whole "grabbing things" concept but I cant for the life of me figure out how they carry things in their mouths for so long like this
>Oh well, I can see the sign up ahead
>"Sweet Apple Acres" huh? Must specialize in apples
>I can see somepony off in the field pushing a bucket of apples
>Hmm, seems familiar, but I can't quite remember from where
>*Ptooey* Excuse me, where can I find the proprietor of this here farm?
>What a fine looking Stetson, this pony's got good taste
>"Well mister that would be granny, but ahm the one who handles the business 'roun-DAG NABBIT NOT YOU AGAIN!
>Shucks it's that pony who's cart I fell into when i fought Rainbow Dash.
Look, I'm real sorry about the way we met earlier but-
>"You got some nerve comin' 'round here after wreckin' mah cart, smashin' mah apples, and beatin' on Rainbow Dash!
>"Gimme one good reason why ah shouldn't buck you from here to Appleloosa!"
Wait please you don't understand! I was all confused and that dang Rainbow Dash was tryin' to corrupt my boy, Bobby!
>She looks to be starting to calm down
>"Well... shoot, that does sound like Rainbow Dash. Always making trouble for other ponies with her darn foolishness..."
>"Heck it's been so peaceful since she's been in recovery that my productivity nearly doubled without her pesterin' me."
>"I reckon ah should be thankin' you for givin' me some peace an' quiet"
 
No, don't thank me miss. I may have overreacted. I'm just so worried about the boy, he ain't right and then that darn pony comes along and messes with his head even more.
>"Ah wouldn't feel too bad mister, that dang pony's got to learn that her actions have consequences."
>I like this pony's attitude
I don't think we've properly been introduced, the name is Hank, Hank Hill
>"Well alright, name's Applejack, put'er there Hank"
>Well I'll be, this little lady's got a firm grip I tell you hwat
>"So Hank, what can ah do ya for?"
Yes, I have been dying for a beer ever since I came to this dang place
>"Well c'mon then Hank, lets get you that beer!"
>As she leads me to the barn I can't help but admire the scenery, its quite a farm
>Fruits and vegetables as far as the eye can see, a peaceful looking farmhouse on the hill, even a collie watching over a herd of grazing cattle
>I'll bet this is just how President Bush lives out his days, just beautiful beautiful
>Applejack opens up a cellar door and waves a hoof for me to follow
>"This here's the entrance to the ice cellar, most ponies 'round these parts don't rightly care 'bout what temperature their beer us, but I find a cool and refreshing apple ale after work hits the spot."
I too enjoy a cold refreshing beer with the fellas after a day of work
>"Well shoot, unwinding with friends and a cold one is the only way to live sugarcube, that and hard work and honest living!"
Truer words have never been spoken Applejack
>We step into cellar and the cold overtakes me like a blanket of joy, as there, sitting neatly on organized and well crafted shelves sit the most beautiful bottles of alcohol I had ever seen
"Take your pick Hank, just load em' up in this here satchel"
>She throws me a satchel and it hit me, not the satchel but the solution. Satchels!
>I load up a quick half dozen of what appears to be Apple ale
This should do for the day, how much do I owe you?
>"six should be-"
>A bell's ringing up above the surface
 
>"Well that would be lunch. Say Hank why don't you come meet mah folk?"
Well I don't know Applejack, I wouldn't want to impose.
>"Horseapples! Granny Smith always makes so much pie we always have leftovers and I'm sure Apple bloom and Big Macintosh would love to meet ya!"
>Applejack sure is excitable
>Apple pie and beer. Now that's a meal I haven't had since me and Peggy went honeymooning to Dallas!
Well sure then, why the heck not.
>"Yahooo"
>Boy Applejack sure is excitable. The rest of these "apples" must be a friendly bunch too.
>She leads me over to the farmhouse and I can see the source of the ringing, a withered green pony with grey hair ringing a bell
>"Applejack, deary hurry it up! Macintosh got here ages ago and Apple Bloom is fussin' like a sheep in a hair salon!
>"Sorry Granny, I brought along a guest"
Hello Mrs. Smith, the name's Hank, it's a pleasure to meet you. I certain hope I'm not intruding
>"Nonsense sonny, and friend of Applejack's is a friend of the Apple family!
Thank you very much madame
>"Well don't just stand there, come on in!"
>What a nice old lady, reminds me of one of mom's friends
>This place has such a friendly country feel to it, its like I never left Texas at all.
>"Gra-nnyyyy, mah belly is rumblin when can we eat?"
>Sitting at a nicely set table is a cute little filly with a girliest bow in her hair and quite possibly the largest pony I think I'd seen so far
>This guy looks like he could even move Bill back when he was in his glory days
>"Hush now Apple Bloom, you know that we don't eat without the whole family at the table."
>Granny Smith offers me a seat
>"Besides, we have a guest. Meet Hank!"
Hello, Apples
>That little filly sure seems excited to see me
>"Oh your that pony that knocked Rainbow Dash's lights out!"
> Oh boy
Uh.. well you see-
>"That was soo cool mister! Could you teach me how to fight like that, maybe fightin' is my special talent!"
Applejack didnt seem too keen on that
 
>"Apple Bloom, no talkin' about fightin' at the table!"
>"But AJ, this fella's like somepony out of a movie, ya shoulda' seen the way he threw that eggplant!"
>Gee, I guess that kids are attracted to violence everywhere
>"no buts little missy, behave yourself"
>"Finee"
>"Sorry about my little sister Hank, she's always goin' about tryin' to get her cutie mark"
It's no worries Applejack, i know kids can be a hand full
>Lord knows Bobby is...
>"Well you met little Apple Bloom, this here's mah brother Big Macintosh, he does all the heavy liftin' around the farm."
>"Eeyup!"
A big strong guy like you must do quite a bit of work around here, I can respect that. Put'er there, Big Macintosh.
Wah!
>Now that's a grip!
>Big, strong, responsible and a man of few words
>A true to life Texan cowboy i tell you hwat
>Just then Granny Smith Brought over a pile of the most incredible smelling apple pies I ever did smell
>"Enough of the formalities, dig in everypony!"
>The pie tins were just cool enough to lift yet warm enough to let me know it was going to be the perfect temperature to enjoy
>"Go ahead and have yourself a beer while your at it too Hank"
Oh I don't know Applejack, I wouldn't want to be impressionable towards the little one
>"Oh don't worry Hank, I know all about that stuff! You should see Big Mac after he's had a few of those, he's a riot!"
>"N-nope!"
>Heheh, big guy's embarrassed that he can't hold his drink
>Half way through an incredible apple pie and three beers I had begun to feel pretty dang comfortable, I tell you hwat
>This apple ale's no Alamo, but it sure does feel good to have a little alcohol in my system
>Magical ponies and shock torture really weigh on a man's spirit
>"So mister Hank, if I can't ask you about fightin', can I ask you about where ya came from?"
Well little Apple Bloom, I come from a beautiful country called America.
>"Wow, I aint' never heard of Amuricuh before, what's it like?"
It's the most beautiful place I know...
 
Imagine, a place where every ma- uh... pony is born free to choose the life they lead, where hard work and loyalty are rewarded with amenities that our dear mother land extends to her children.
A place where families grill burgers and watch movies and live life the best way they know, the American way!
>"Golly, ah love bean burgers and ah love movies! Applejack, can we have a grill out sometime soon?"
>Got dangit, no need to remind myself that I can't get any meat around here
>"Sure thing, ah been hankerin' for some beans mah self lately"
>Applejack gets up from the table
>"Well this has been fun and all but, we gotta get back to work!"
>"Aww, but ah wanna hear some more of Hank's stories!"
>"Cmon' Apple Bloom, we got a whole farm to tend to and ahm' sure Hank here needs to get along too."
Well uhh.. actually, theres the matter of payment for your beer. You see I seem to have forgotten my money somewhere in the fields.
I wouldn't feel right being a dine and dasher neither, so what if I helped out around the place while I looked for it?
>"Well alright Hank, lets get you to work!"
>"Yay, maybe you can tell me more about Amuricuh while we work!"
I would be happy to Applebloom
 
>Boy working a farm like this had always been something I'd wanted to do since I was a boy.
>So many apples to be picked, fields to be weeded, animals to be fed and manged, but best of all there where plenty of fences and walls to be mended
>Whats more I got to teach a child about the glory of America
>Peggy was right all along, teaching children is its own reward
>Hours passed, before I knew it the sun was going down
>"Shee-oot Hank, we really appreciate you helpin' out around here. Half of this stuff I didn't think would ever get done this week"
It was my pleasure Applejack. you and your'e folks have been so kind to me, it's like a little slice of Arlen here.
Whats more, I found my money to pay for my beer
>"Nah, keep it sugar cube. You done more than enough work to pay for those."
 
>As the three of us walked down to the entrance of the farm I was reminded by the sky that Twilight should be done with her research
Well Applejack this has been quite a day, but I need to get going.
>"Don't be a stranger now, yer' always welcome at Sweet Apple Acres"
>"Bye Hank, come by tomorrow and tell me more about that Theodore Roosevelt fella!"
Heh maybe I will Apple Bloom, take care now Apples!
 
>Before I knew it the moon was out in full
>Spike had let me back into the tree house and sent me up to Twilight's study
>The dang place is messier than Bill's house, but sure enough there she is plain as day
>I don't think I'd seen her so serious
Alright Twilight, what in the hell goin' on that I had to wait a whole day for you to give me a straight answer?
>Hank please, I know that you want to return to your home but I had to make absolutely sure about the possibilities before I told you this.
Well spit it out already, whats with all the damn suspense!?
>She sighed and pointed to her big fancy telescope with the knobs and buttons
>What in the hell kinda' game is this pony playing?
I see stars and the moon, what the hell is this?
>"The direction we need to send you"
>What
What in the hell is that supposed to mean?
>"The coordinates lead off of the planet , in order to get you back to earth we need to get you into outer space."
>This is insanity
That can't be true, those dang eggheads at the academy have to be wrong!
>"I'm sorry Hank, the residue trail was weak but multiple testing phases from other techniques and tools have proven that the coordinates are one hundred percent accurate"
>I'll never get home
>I'll never see Peggy and Bobby again
>This is too much
 
Please Twilight, is there anything you or anyone can do to help me!?
>Throughout the entire time not once did she move from her spot
>Just flipping through book pages and writing down notes
>Got dangit!
>Please just say something, anything!
>Finally she stood up and turned to me
>"I've spent all day researching physics and magical spells that could help and I may have a plan"
>"The main problem is that we need an enourmous source of energy that is extremely powerful yet easily manipulated that can continuously burn for extended periods of time.
>I don't know of such a material, and it would be pointless for me to even begin drawing up plans until we found it
>Good god that's it!
>I stood up taller than I ever had in my pony body and walked right on over to her
Twilight Sparkle, you may be an expert in magic, but I am an expert in the the magic of propane
>"Pro...pane"?
Give me that pen and some of that paper and I'll teach you all about it
 
And so you see, if what i'm understanding is correct, because nopony has ever utilized the power of propane before there should be enormous deposits of it just readyt for the taking, along with multiple other methods to be used to extract small amounts of it from helium deposits that you already use!
>Twilight looked down at the propane molecules I had drawn along with charts and facts about propane safety and I could almost hear the gears in her head turning
>"This could work, if propane is actually as powerful as you're proposing then a propulsion system capable of fighting gravity and pulling an object through the atmosphere could be possible!"
Yes!
>When God closes a door, propane opens a window!
>"The problem is that we don't have any sort of research on the science of interplanetary travel taking place, and we would need exorbitant amounts of money to even attempt this. My ties with the Princess can only do so much.
>Dangit she's right, the Apollo project used billions of dollars!
>What would Buck Strickland do?
 
>"Hank Ol' Top, ah came to Texas little more than a penniless high school flunky with a full head a' hair and a fire in mah belly! "
>"I used what little money I scraped waxin' cars and paintin' buildings and built me a dang empire with my own two hands!"
>"My base of operations right here in Arlen, locations in five other counties in Texas and one in Little Rock, Arkansas!"
>"And I did it all with perseverance, strong business sense, and a perfectly tailored suit!"
 
>I knew what had to be done
Twilight Sparkle, get some rest we've got a big day tomorrow
>"Hank?"
First thing in the morning you use that Princess contact of yours to find me potential investors, a group of engineers and scientists, and a tailor.
>The poor girl looked more confused than I'd ever seen her
>"What are you going to do?"
I'm going to build me a got dang empire, I tell you hwat!
 
>Good lord in heaven, never once did I ever think I'd intentionally walk into a place called "Carousel Boutique"
>"Darling, who is this strange stallion?"
>Rarity, this is Hank, and he needs a business suit. It's of the utmost importance that you make him a suit as quickly as possible!
>Good god, of all the ponies I've seen so far this one is by far the girliest
>Her hair is all curled and whatnot, and her eyelashes could pop a balloon
>"Well I do have other commissions do work on, but I would never abandon a friend in need."
>"Thank you Rarity, I'll leave him to you"
>"But where are you going, Twilight?"
>"I have some important letters to send to Canterlot. We have an empire to build!"
>"Huh?"
>And then she was gone
Dang it Twilight...
>When she says it it sounds all weird
I don't mean to be pushy Miss Rarity, but can we move this along, it's very important
>"Oh, why yes, of course- Hank was it?"
 
>"I must say Hank, it's quite a treat to be working with you. It's not often I get to make clothing for stallions here in Ponyville"
>"Eheheh, I couldn't imagine why "
>I thought Twilight and Spike jabbing me with those gizmos was bad, this is absolute torture!
>'Hold still darling. Stretch you're hoof, darling. Don't slouch darling'
>It's hard to hold still when you got a roll of measuring tape floating right by you're head you dang giblet head!
>Got dangit, I may head on over to Sweet Apple Acres when this is done
>There is no way in hell am I making it through this day without a beer
>"Hank...HANK!"
Bhuhhuh! Sorry, what is it?
>Dangit, I should be more grateful, she is taking time out of her schedule to do this for me
>"Oh it's quite alright dear, were done with the measurements. Now comes the fun part!
>I dont like that look in her eye, reminds me of the demon horse
>"I supposed you'll be wanting something boring like brown on black for the jacket, but perhaps you would like a red bowtie to go along with it? Red certainly does demand attention"
>A Bowtie? Im supposed to look like a business man, not a Vegas magician!
Please Rarity, lets just keep it simple, a grey jacket, a white collared shirt and a solid black tie
>She opens her mouth to suggest something
Solid please
>"Hoh hum, how drab"
>She looks completely bored, but she magics out rolls of fabric and starts cutting
>"I have everything I need Hanky dear, stop by in a few hours to pick it up. Oh! Don't worry about payment, I know Twilight is good for it."
Thank you Rarity, from what I hear you're the best there is!
>I don't know anything more than Twilight told me about this Rarity girl, but she did tell me that feeding her ego can go a long way
>"Why thank you darling, its always nice to receive the recognition you deserve! Now off you go, I have much work to do"
>This is good, once the suit is finished I'll need the information on those potential investors and then things will get serious.
 
>Oh God how embarrassing, it took me two weeks to realize I'd been running around in the nude!
>I suppose it's not my fault though, every dang pony here is doing it too
>Come to think of it, animals wearing clothes is just asinine
>These dang ponies, they drive me to drink
>The entrance to Sweet Apple Acres is just a stones throw away,
>I hope Applejack's not too busy, assuming Twilight comes through for me we could be leaving town as early as today.
>There she is with Big Macintosh loading hay bales by the barn
Howdy there Apples!
>"Hank! What a pleasant surprise."
>"Eeyup!"
Yeah, well I was hoping to get some more of that beer. It's going to be a long day and I could use some alcohol in my system
>"Sure thing Hank, follow me. Big Mac, keep stackin' those hay bales, I'll be right back
>"Eeyup"
>Another quick trip to the ice cellar, another moment of refrigerated majesty
Thank you Applejack, how much do I owe you?
>"Hank, with the way you helped us out the other day you can just have'm
I appreciate the sentiment Applejack, but that's now way to run a business. I insist that you let me pay for you're fine product.
>"Tell you what sugar cube, lets just call it even at nine bits"
Now thats more like it!
>A quick trade of them weird coins and we where all set
>"Pleasure doin' business with ya'. Say, if you don't mind me askin', what you got goin' on today thats stressin' you out?"
>Well as long as I don't let slip the whole 'I'm from another planet' thing it couldn't hurt.
Well Applejack, I'm going home to America
>She almost looks sad, must have made a good impression on her.
>It's always sad to see a friend go I suppose
>"S-so you're really leavin' Hank?
Well, it's not that simple Applejack. You see America is very far away, and I don't know if I can even get back, But I sure as hell am gonna try.
>"Oh, well I hope you'll keep comin' on by during your stay in Ponyville. Like ah' said before, you're always welcome here."
 
Thank you Applejack, now let's get out of this cellar. Its too cold to stay standing like this.
>A quick goodbye to Applejack and Big Macintosh and I'm on my way back to town
>Hopefully Rarity will have my suit ready to go
>The sooner I can speak with those investors the sooner I can work on getting home
>It'll take all of the skills and knowledge I've collected over nearly two decades as a propane man to win over those rich guys, but dammit If God made me for one thing it's to sell propane!
>I hadn't eaten anything yet so I figured that a quick trip to the market square for some grub would do wonders
>Dangit, is it always this crowded this time of the day?
>"Hank!"
>What in the
>'Hank!
>It's Spike
>what does he want
>But where is he?
>There's too many dang ponies in the way!
>Wait... there he is up on that barrel!
>The little guy's a nervous wreck
>"Hank there you are! Twilight says that she scheduled an appointment for tomorrow morning in Canterlot!"
Well that's fantastic!
>"No it's bad! The train track system to Canterlot is going through maintenance tomorrow and the only train heading there today leaves in seven minutes!"
>Dear God. NO!
But what about my suit!?
>"Twilight picked it up from Rarity, she's at the station on the other side of town, go!"
Shoot, if I miss that appointment I may never get another chance!
>DangitDangitDangit!
>There are so many ponies out!
OUTTA MY WAY, PROPANE EMERGENCY! PROPANE EMERGENCY!
>Most of them part, but there's just so many of them
>Gotta keep moving!
>"There you are Hank!"
>Oh for the love of god!
>Forelegs bandaged but still standing right in my way!
>It's Rainbow Dash!
>You may have gotten away last time, but nopony pulls one over on-
I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS, GET OUTTA MY WAY YOU STUPID HORSE!
>I ran right into her and sent her flying right into her and knocked her into some restaurant
>I can see the train station
>*TOOOOT*
Oh god I'm not gonna make it!
 
>"Hank!"
>I can hear Twilight Sparkle, shes at one of the windows as the train pulls out of the station
>She's waving her arms for me to run along the tracks!
>I Run along the tracks and to my left we get a quick face to face
>"This train is going to pick up speed in the next ten seconds! When the caboose reaches you you have to jump for it!"
>This pony's tryin' to kill me!
That's crazy I could break my legs!
>"No other way!"
>She gets up and starts running to the back of the train
>Just like she said the train starts picking up speed
>It's getting really hard to maintain this pace, this thing must be going over 30 miles an hour
>The carts shoot past until out of the corner of my eye I can see the caboose shooting up
>"Hank, grab my hoof!"
>Now or never!
>I leap over to her with my left and manage to latch onto her
>She's leaning over the railing, trying to lift me over
>She's not strong enough!
>I'm slipping!
>Oh god, I can almost feel the tracks beneath me!
This won't work Twilight, you can't lift me!
>"YES.I.CAN!
>Her horn started glowing brighter then I'd seen and I could feel myself being lifted
>We managed to get myself over the railing and we fall back into the caboose
>Oh my god, that was like something out Hollywood
>On my back I turn my head and see Twilight on her hindquarters
>Poor girl looks completely exhausted
>*pant* Thank you *pant* Twilight...
>"Nghhh...Told you....*phew*... I could do it"
>Girl's got grit I tell you hwat!
>"Now then... lets talk battle plans."
 
>After a few minutes of lying on the floor of the caboose Twilight leads me across the train carts to where she was sitting
>We have a whole day before our appointment with the investors but we need a solid plan to win them over
>The other ponies on the train look at us in mixed states of shock.
>We must have made quite a scene
>No sooner than had we sat down Twilight got to work
>"Ok Hank, having sent word through all my connections in Canterlot about an efficient replacement for coal I managed to get the board of the East Equestria Trade Company, Marehammad Mahir, the Prince of Saddle Arabia, Tahiro Clopanawa of the Neighponese train network, and two envoys from the Gryphon Kingdoms's Royal Institute of Technological Advancement to our presentation."
>Gryphons? Marehammad?
>God I need a beer, but this is important
>"The EETC board members and Clopanawa will be our top priority, as they are most interested in propane as a replacement for coal and steam in their ships and trains, which will aid us in our own research on a propane powered propulsion system."
Well that's no problem, I assume you've prepared some sort of demonstration?
>"As a matter of fact I have"
>She reaches into her saddle bag and pulls out a set of blueprints
>"I also sent word to the Canterlot University of Engineering and Physics about needing a team. Every single upcoming graduate wants in on this project. After I explained our intent a small team handpicked by the head of the University's research and development board whipped up a small prototype propane burner and extracted enough propane from a local helium deposit to make it functional. Though small and roughly inefficient, it should give us something to lean on"
Well this is perfect Twilight, you get me that prototype and I'll have those investors eating out of the my hoof!
>"I hope so Hank, I hope we can get you home"
>She's really trying her best for me...
Twilight, why are you going so far to help me?
 
>It had never come up before, but this pony's been working her hooves to the bone nonstop since I met her. Whether it was the experimenting on me or all the trouble to set this up, but why?
>I was almost expecting something sinister, but she just smiled for the first time today
>"Hank, I am a seeker of knowledge. Every day I devote myself to the understanding of the world around us, whether it's friendship or science. It's my passion, what I live for!"
>This is the most lively she's been in days
>"When I concluded that you weren't from Equestria I knew that you were an absolute gold mine of new information! Now look at me, helping to lead the next industrial revolution and making preparations for a pony to leave the planet!"
>Goodness she's excited, shes standing up in her seat
>"If we succeed I'll go down in history among the greats like Starswirl the Bearded as Twilight Sparkle, the mare that shattered the roof of the world!"
Twilight please, you may want to settle down, you're making a scene...
>Everypony on the cart is leaning into our booth like we're a pair of madponies
>With what were planning we may well be...
>Girls half curled up in her seat in embarrassment
>"And of course, I would do anything to help a friend..."
You really consider me a friend?
>"Well of course silly!"
Well I thought you were just helping for the glory and hwat not.
>She put a hoof on my shoulder
>"Hank, you're a stranger in a strange land. You need a friend more than any pony I know. You're smart, goodhearted pony with an indomitable spirit and I'm happy to call you my friend. We'll see this through, together."
>Oh god, I feel like I could... like I could
Uh thanks Twilight, I also consider you a friend, excuse me for a moment..
>I walk out of the booth and head to corner in the common area of the train
>I most definitely did not shed a tear
>If any pony says otherwise I will kick their ass!
>Bill was right all along, friendship truly is the sweetest wine
 
>This is it
>We arrived in Canterlot yesterday in the middle of the afternoon and picked up the prototype from the eggheads at the University
>It sure is a beaut
>Just like she said, its small and it burns through propane faster than Bobby burns through my patience, but it works
>I'm going to have to sit down with our research team about the propane containers though
>Copper is not regulation approved containment material, We'd be the laughing stock of the Texas Propane Association if the committee could see this!
>This "Princess Celestia" put us up in the fanciest hotel in the whole city and their most professional conference room.
>The presentation starts in less than half an hour and I can't for the life of me get this gotdang tie on properly!
>Rarity really did an excellent job with this suit, The shirt breathes nicely and she even embroidered a white H on the lapel of the jacket (I didn't ask for it, but that is real professionalism I tell you hwat)
>Its all worthless without the tie thought!
>*knock knock* "Hank, are you okay in there?
No, how in the heck do you ponies do this stuff without fingers!?
>I turn to let Twilight into the room and she walks in with a lab coat and goggles over her forehead
>"Well some of us cheat a little I suppose"
>She giggles as she uses her magic to fold and secure my tie perfectly
>Wish I had one of them fancy horns
Are we all set?
>"The diagrams and charts the research team put together are organized and ready for show and the prototype is ready for ignition. The investors are all assembled in the conference room"
Then lets get a move on, this empire ain't gonna build it's self!
>After a few minutes of walking we reach the conference room.
>Its a nice fancy room with a high ceiling, marble tiles, and paintings on the side walls
>The walls are a no nonsense white and theres fluorescent lighting to give the room a clean and professional feel
 
>The investors have all taken their seats along the wall
>A group of five of the most dour and unpleasant yet well groomed ponies I'd ever seen where grouped close together in the far left of the room
>They all seem to be talking over each other, must be the EETC board
>Two stallions were having a pleasant looking chat together in the middle
>The one on the left was a rather good looking pony in a pure white man dress and hat of some sort with dark brown fur and a well trimmed yet masculine beard.
>To his side was a real shrimp of an elderly pony with a pale fur, a bushy jet black mane and those thick and square nerd glasses that just make you wanna beat the poor guy up
>Marehammad Mahir and Tahiro Clopanawa
>The only ones choosing to stand were the gryphons, big bird cats that looked like a cross between a bald eagle and a lion.
>One was wearing some kinda metal suit from shoulder to hindquarters, while the other was wearing a purple bathrobe of some sort
>Somehow they looked even more unhappy to be hear then the EETC board
>Looks like they'll be the hardest sell
Good morning, potential investors. If I may have your attention we can start this presentation!
>That seemed to quiet them down, the EETC board look disgruntled though
My name is Hank Hill and this here is my associate, Twilight Sparkle! Now, you are all here for a very special opportunity! Investing in new technologies!
>Twilight flipped over our chart to reveal the a molecular formula for propane
Now i'm sure you're all wondering, what is propane? Well first let me ask you something first, what does it mean to….
>Which is why I believe that propane will revo-
>”ENOUGH!”
 
>Now what in the hell is metal beak over there doing?
>I was just getting to the good stuff
>”You have been talking nonstop for the past hour and a half about this magical fuel source that is neither liquid nor gas! Show us the implementation of this 'propane' right now or we will leave!”
>”My escort speaks truth, any fool can just make up words and facts and blend them together into a presentation. Only seeing is believing.
>”I must aglee with the glyphons. Though yo' plesentation was most exhirarating you have ploven nothing untir we see the plopane in action.”
>”I too must cast doubts upon this business venture, a demonstration is in order!”
>The EETC board started shouting over each other the second I stopped talking, its just noise
>Angry noise!
Dangit Twilight, we're losin' them!
>"I'm on it!"
>She magics up the prototype and puts it onto the display table
>A little aluminum box with a rubber hose connecting to a seven gallon copper propane tank
Now what you see here is our prototype propane burner, by adjusting the pressure valve we can deliver controlled bursts of propane. This allows us to control how strongly we want it to burn.
Hit it twilight!
>Twilight magics out a piece of flint and a small iron block and starts banging them together over the now whooshing box
>Good thing that the room has good ventilation or we would all be in terrible danger
>Wait, somethings wrong
>Dear god its not working!
Do it harder Twilight!
>"I am!"
>That hoity toity bird in the purple robe is laughin' at us!
>"I don't know why we expected any different, only a pony would be so ridiculous as to-
>*THWOOOM*
>The propane lit up the room with a vengeance!
>The propane burner spit out a constant and monstrous jet of fire in the middle of the room
>"Lower the pressure Hank!"
>I managed to crawl over to the valve and twisted in to the left until the jet turned into a nice even flame
>Looking over to the investors they were all wide eyed and silent
 
>"b-BAKANA!"
>The little guy was the first to talk after three minutes of silence
>Kind of
>The EETC board members had still been shouting over each other during the whole jet of fire and it got even worst after I killed off the supply
>"S-such powa, do you trury berieve that we could ha'ness it Mista Hill!?"
Only with your support Mr. Clopinawa
>He starts clapping his hooves like an excited kid
>"Then you have my company's furr supporturu!!"
>Nailed it!
>"Ahem"
>The squabblin stopped
>The mare in the middle of the group of board members got up from her seat
>"We have reached a consensus! The East Equestrian Trade Company will be backing you with both monetary support and pony power for however long you are able to provide us with satisfactory results in your research. We would stay and negotiate the terms, but time is money and our time is very valuable. Our people will contact your people.
>The other four all got up in unison and straightened their clothing before all leaving the room
Okay..
>Of all the craziest things...
>Well we nailed the big two...
>"Well Mr. Hill, you have given me much to consider after witnessing the raw power of propane. If your presentation is indeed fact then I too must express a deep interest in the full capabilities of propane."
>Marehammad gets up to shake my hoof
>"My people and I look forward to a beneficial relationship with you and your propane Mr. Hill. Expect a a messenger to bring you a contract in the following days."
>"Our business is concluded!"
>With a clop of his hooves two ponies come running in with a gold chair or something on their backs
>Marehammad falls back into the chair and his ponies carry him off
Huh...
>Well this is just perfect, all we need is the gryphons for a perfect score!
Well?
>They were both still in awe of the mighty power of propane
>"T-that display meant nothing pony, we have no need for your ridiculous propane!'
>Gotdangit, that bathrobe wearing birdbrain is stepping way over the line!"
 
>"I am perprexed by yo' stubbolness glyphon, we have all seen the powa of plopane, surery you can put aside yo' plejudice and extend the glyphon king's supporturu fo' the benefit of yo' peepur?"
>That hit home
>"How dare you! I simply do not believe for a moment that the gryphon kingdom's funds can be funneled into far more lucrative ventures!
>Metal beak steps toward to Mr. Clopanawa
>"Our kingdom's trade agreement with the Pegasi ensures that they receive the brunt of the responsibility in the transport of goods to and from pony territory!
>Bathrobe bird is starting to get riled up too
"It is a commitment steeped in blood and has stood for centuries! We have no need for such a frivolous drain on the royal coffer!
>They start heading for the door
>"Come Mohr, we have many kilometers travel to find a good steak, Aviana knows these ponies won't provide us with the sustenance we desire!"
>MEAT! THATS IT!
Now hold on a sec bird!
>"How dare you! You will refer to me as Galvin of clan Brightdown!"
Galvin wait, how do you take your steak?
>"Well what nonsense do you speak of?"
Do you cook it at all?
>"Well of course, but only slightly, the coals char the flesh far too much for my liking"
>"Yes, the taste is far too unpleasant to bother with cooking, I eat it raw"
>"How barbaric, don't you have any sense of civility?!"
>"A steak with black spots isn't a steak work eating Galvin!"
Gentleman please, I have the solution! Propane is odorless, making it burn clean and efficiently!
>"And what good, dare I ask, does that do us?"
You taste the meat, not the heat!
>The birdbrains seem stunned
>"I-in any case, your propane is worthless, you have wasted our time and therefore that of the king himself! Mohr, were leaving!"
>Galvin nearly runs out of the room, but that Mohr fella is still eyin' at me with this weird look
>He's walking over
>"Do not listen to him, we are very much interested in this propane!"
 
>He reaches under his left wing and pulls out a gold medallion with a gryphon etched into it. His majesty will send the royal treasurer to discuss the duties of both parties, simply present this token of trust to break his silence. As per tradition you may choose the location of the duel.
Duel?!
>"Yes, the duel to decide which side shall get to speak first in the negotiaions
Good god, there is no way in hell am I fighting one of these things
I concede the duel!
>"A wise choice, even one of our youngest cubs could easily ren-
>"MOHR!"
>"Farewell Hank Hill, may Aviana guide you under her wing!"
>Mohr does some sort of salute and
>That Galvin is a real pain in my rear
>That Mohr aint half bad though...
>I can always respect a man who respects meat
>"You did it Hank!"
>Twilight runs up from behind and gives me a hug
>"I can't believe that worked out, the gryphons are notorious for being unshakable when it comes to their money! How did you know they wouldn't be able to resist propane as a culinary aid?"
Uh, well Twilight sometimes you just gotta go with your gut. Hehehe.
>Theres no telling how everypony will react if they found out that I've eaten meat every day of my life for the past forty years
>"Well in any case, we've done it! With funding coming in from the gryphon kingdom, Saddle Arabia, and two of the highest earning companies in Equestria we'll be able to work on getting you home!"
>Home...
>"Hank look, on your flank!"
>On my...?
Bwaah, I've been tattooed!
"No Hank, you got your cutie mark!
>Well I'll be, its the Blue Flame of Valor!
 
>Four months since that day and Hill Propane is a thriving business I tell you hwat
>With the upfront money our lab boys nearly perfected the extraction and storage of propane and developed a prototype for Equestria's first propane train engine!
>Now we just need a natural propane source, our boys found just the spot
>Froggy Bottom Bog
 
>"Mr. Hill,this is a complete PR disaster! If we don't do something we could lose the contract, our investors, and the support of the citizens of Ponyville!
>This office is supposed to be a place of joy, now i just want to leave
>It's exactly how I always imagined my own private office would be like if I had been promoted to manager back home
>Soft blue carpeting. A big old ceiling fan. I even managed to build the dang place so I could have a good view of Sweet Apple Acres!
>DANGIT!DANGITDANGIT!
>Those damn hippies have completely ruined everything
>'Frogs have rights' 'Save the frogs' They're frogs dangit!
>And of course, the second you hose down a bunch of treehuggers everyone takes their side shoutin 'you can't do that to ponies, they have rights!'
>THEY'RE DANG HIPPIES, HIPPIES DON'T HAVE RIGHTS!
Damnit... what are our options, Mr. Mark?
>Check Mark... dangit I need a beer
>"Well Mr. Hill, we could find another propane deposit!"
Absolutely not, this is too important, If we let those hippies win I'll eat my gotdang hat!
>"W-well then, there's always negotiation with the leaders of the protest..."
You want me to negotiate with those dang treehuggers?!
>"I-i... well maybe she can be reasonable"
One of their names IS TreeHugger!
>"P-please Mr. Hill, I'm doing the best I can!"
>sigh
>Dangit
>Theres a knock on the door to interrupt this poor guy's whimpering
>"Mr Hill, Ms Sparkle would like to see you"
>That would be my secretary, Pepper
Send her in!
Mark, go take five
>"Thank you sir..."
>At least Twilight might have an idea on how to handle this
>Twilight walks into the room looking none to happy
>"Hank, I may have a way to resolve all of this, but it will involve negotiations with the leaders of the protest."
Twilight, please. No!
>"Hank, we both know how important this contract is. If you lose this it could undermine all of our work!
>Dangit, she's right
Fine, but you better have some kind of leverage for us here.
>"I do, one of them is my friend"
 
>Here we are, wading through this smelly bog like a bunch of jackasses
Twilight, this is asinine. Do we really have to do this?
>"Hank, it's the only way they agreed to see us. We have to do this."
>"And please, try and be nice to them. It'll go a long way."
Unbelievable!
>These damn hippies sabotage my equipment, booby trap the bog and rally the town against me and I'm the one who has to be nice to them!
>"Whats more these dang hippies had us strip naked and wearing these damn necklaces made from weeds and dirt
>Twilight is holding up a map leading us to the hippie camp with her magic as we wade along the bog
>The map it's self is useless, the gut wrenching sound of hand drums and pan flutes gave them away since day one
>The map is so that we don't end up hanging upside down from a tree or something
>I lost half of my local work force because of those booby traps
>We finally climb out of the muck and walk right into the hippie camp in all it's asinine glory
>Theres tents surrounding a giant bonfire with musicians that play the bongos and the pan flute and whatever other terrible things these terrible ponies usually play
>God I wish President Reagan was still alive
There was a man who knew how to deal with hippies I tell you hwat
>"T-Twilight?"
We turn behind us and see a custard colored pegasus pony with pink hair
.>"Fluttershy!"
>Twilight runs over to hug the pony and I can't help but be dumbfounded
>Some of the workers who came back back to me on the first day of protests saying how there was some sort of terrifying monster named Fluttershy scaring off all the personnel from the siphon sites
>Just what in the heck is this girl doing to those ponies?
>She's just so....
>A-are you H-hank Hill?
>"Why yes I am"
>She looks like shes about to burst into tears
>"Y-you are a very bad pony Mr. Hill! Just who do you think you are bullying these poor froggies! If you ruin the bog they'll have no place to go and then they'll all be so sad!
>What in the hell...