Title:           Alt-SciTwi - The Expatriate Spy, part 2
Author:          nohooves
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/ke5A4AjR
First Edit:      Tuesday 4th of August 2015 12:03:12 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Thursday 13th of August 2015 12:46:59 PM CDT

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|    Looking for the archived update with all the spelling errors,   |
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>One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
>Anon pauses on the sixth.
>Five greens. One red.
>That didn't seem right.
>The starship Rainboom continues to tear across the infinite void, with only flimsy metal walls standing between the occupants and certain death.
>One of its occupants, Anonymous, is playing with a terminal in the lounge.
>Instead of panicking at his predicament, he decides to obsess over that one red light.
>It blinks at him tauntingly.
>The label, also red for the occasion, is labeled [Top Hatch].
>Anon squints, and frowns at this odd behavior. He begins counting again.
>One. Two. Three—
 
>"Hey Anon! What ya up to?"
"Gyaahhh!"
 
 
° ° °
 
 
>Unperturbed by Anon's screams, Minuette looks at the console in front of Anon.
>"Ooh, security report! You're a quick learner. Most kids usually take ages to learn how to boot up anything useful except Tetris."
"Wait, you know Tetris?"
>"Who wouldnt?! Ohhhh it's my favoritest game ever!"
>Anon stammers some nonsensical words before beginning to foam in his mouth.
>Minuette tilts her head.
>"Really? You're talking to an intergalactic mercenary on a spaceship made by your portal-hopping girlfriend, and *Tetris* is the straw that breaks Anon's sanity?"
>Anon gets his shit back together.
"No, it's just that... I didn't expect a retro game from Earth to be the favorite pastime of—"
>"—an intergalactic merc with a pretty smile? I knowww, isn't that so random??"
>Minuette flashes her shark grin.
>Anon begins to understand what being a prey is like.
 
>Minuette's smile drops suddenly.
>Her voice falls into a murderous monotone.
>"Nah, I'm just a massive terraboo. I spend my days perfecting my gun-fu and playing superior Earth games (Tetris, Pong, Mario series). Mention that to anyone outside of this room and I'll cut you."
>Anon gulps.
>Minuette stares at Anon for an eternity, then cracks up.
>"I'm just kidding, you silly spoon~"
>Anon begins to regret joining Twilight on this mission.
>The flannel gloves aren't worth this.
 
 
- - - - - -
 
 
>"Here, let me walk you through how to access all the naughty bits of the Rainboom. Torpedo bulge inflater, exhaust port cam—"
>Minuette frowns.
>"Wait. Those indicator lights—"
"Yeah, I was gonna ask about that," Anon stabs at each in turn with his finger. "There are six hatches, and one of them's showing red. Red usually means bad."
>"And bad usually means US," drones the leader of the frat trio.
>A group of thugs, armed to the teeth, are pointing their weapons at Minuette and Anon.
>One of them even has lasers mounted on his teeth.
>They look suspiciously like the frat trio Anon had run-ins with.
"Do I know you bozos?"
>"Not personally, but you oughta! We're the Bandit Brothers!"
>The tallest one, presumably their leader, throws an empty sack at Anon's feet.
>"Now, dunk all the starcoins ya got into this sack here, or we'll crash this ship!"
>The others begin shouting in support.
>"Yeah!"
>"With no survivors!"
 
""Bandit Brothers?" Really? And how are you planning on blowing the ship, you bozos?"
>"With these," the fat one smiles, opening up his trench coat.
>It's lined up and down with explosives.
>Oh.
>"Also, we've got our ship docked up top of yers. One funny move, and our buddies will blow ya up!"
>Anon glances at Minuette, silently asking the self-advertised "smiling death machine" to do something.
>Minuette shrugs, dumping a handful of ornate looking coins into the sack.
>The short one waves his pistol at Anon, gesturing him to do the same.
>He fishes out some arcade tokens from his pocket. A space invader is stamped on one side, '25' on the other.
>"Eyy, what is this?"
"They're uh.. commemorative mints. Great Atari War of 2600. Double its face value."
>One idiot sniffs it, then bites it hard.
>After suffering a sufficient amount of pain, he smiles.
>"We gon' be rich, bros!"
>"Yeah!"
>"With no surv— Ow!"
>The big guy smacks the fat one with his rifle.
 
 
 
 
- - - - - -
 
 
>Twi and Trixie are relaxing in the control room of the Rainboom.
>Outside, a bunch of sparkling dots are passing by lazily. But Twi knew better.
>They were traveling at a mind-boggling speed. Ludicrous, perhaps.
>Trixie is staring at her reflection on the main window.
>"Sparkle, could you hand me that blue thing from my bag?"
>Twilight fishes out the blue thing from her bag.
 
>It's conspicuously narrow and shaped perfectly for probing tight crevices.
>Twilight's hand shakes as she flushes rather harshly.
>It's shaped almost exactly like the device she keeps in her underwear drawer.
>Trixie raises an eyebrow.
>"Uh, Sparkle?"
>"Oh, um. Yes. Here you go."
>Trixie gingerly receives the blue device, licking her lips.
>The flat end pops out as it becomes unscrewed by well-manicured, slender fingers.
>Trixie begins reapplying her mascara.
 
° ° °
 
>"S-seriously?!"
>Trixie turns her head to Twi halfway.
>"What? A great and powerful magician needs to look the part."
>She turns to and fro, checking her handiwork.
>"Besides, I've got tabloids chasing me now that I'm an Element. They care more about my makeup than my powers, apparently."
>She closes the cap with a click.
>Twi sighs with frustrated relief.
>"It's just that... I thought you made me grab—"
>"A vibrator? Mascara, Sparkle. Do you even know what vibrators look like?"
>"Trixie, I'm not comfortable with—"
>"You know, for someone who's getting it on nightly, you're incredibly shy about sex talks. Dr. Drew says there's nothing wrong with talking about orgasms."
>Twi tries to hide behind her knees.
>Trixie gasps.
>"Oh god, please tell me you've climaxed before."
>"Trixie—"
>Trixie gets closer, completely unaware of Twi's discomfort.
>"At least once? What about last night? You're one hell of a screamer, by the way. Did you cum last night?"
>"Trixie!!"
 
>"Shit, is this not the right time?"
>Minuette laughs nervously.
>Anon is blushing furiously.
>Both are held at gunpoint by three thugs in varying shades of beige.
>The biggest one points at the sack on the floor with his rifle.
>"Starcoins, or we'll crash—"
>"Big guy, please! You've made your point already," interrupts Minuette, being overly sweet.
 
"Trixie, I'm not *that* bad at sex. She totally—"
>"ANONYMOUS! IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE I SWEAR I'LL—"
 
 
- - - - - -
 
 
>It's Twi who doesn't get to finish that sentence.
>Without a word, Minuette grabs one of the thugs' arm with lightning speed.
>She does a rapid 360 under his arm, and throws him down on the ground.
>Her elbow then lands sharply on his groin.
 
>The brown idiot, rolling in pain, lets go of his rifle.
>Minuette grabs it mid-cartwheel, not breaking the trajectory by even an inch.
>The leader of the lot, looking incredibly surprised, raises his gun.
>His finger never quite lands on the trigger.
 
>Minuette rams the butt of the rifle squarely on the big guy's nose.
>It sounds like a bag of chips being flattened.
>His nose looks like a flattened bag of chips.
>Minuette finishes her cartwheel, landing in a crouch.
>The gray one stumbles backward, trying to run.
 
>Minuette stabs him with the barrel of the rifle, breaking skin and bone.
>He howls in pain.
>She thrusts it in further, before twisting the rifle.
>The rifle is pulled, her target collapsing in a sea of blood and pain.
 
>Minuette holds the front-leaning stabbing position for a bit, before rising slowly.
>She shifts her stance, holding the rifle like a spear.
 
 
- - - - - -
 
 
"Holy fuck."
>Minuette breathes deeply, casually cracks her neck a few times.
>"Phew! That was a workout. Sorry about that, Anon. I had to see if the bridge was occupied. Priority objective, and all."
>Anon's jaw becomes unhinged, having just witnessed gun-fu in real life.
>The Element of Empathy puts on a face like she's just eaten a mouthful of chalk.
>"So much... Pain..."
>Twi nods approvingly, admiring a fellow professional's work.
 
>"Nice, thanks for that. I should've paid more attention to the security panel."
>"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little face! Even I didn't expect to be raided by a bunch of armed vagabonds. Live and learn, right?"
>Her smile takes a sinister tone, without changing a fiber of muscle.
>"Now we've got to do something about the rest of the scoundrels. They confessed to penetrating into Rainboom's hull from top, probably to flood the hallway with their men."
>Minuette pulls a nasty looking rifle from the weapons locker.
>"Low-life pirates like these usually don't pull out. I know from experience. We have to sever the docking tube with explosives. That'll send them running."
 
>The bridge falls silent, all eyes on Minuette.
>She lets out a nervous laugh.
>"Err, what did I say?"
>Anon coughs.
"So, um. Getting their dick out of our affairs, right?"
>Minuette feigns a surprise.
>"Innuendo, at a time like this? How degenerate of you, Anon."
>She turns around, readying her rifle and walking out the corridor.
>She licks her lips.
>"And you can't spell 'degeneracy' without 'racy.'"
>Anon looks at Twi, desperate for help.
>Twi looks wide-eyed at Minuette, mouth clenched shut.
>Her left eye is twitching.
>"I think I've had enough of sex jokes today."
 
- - - - - -
 
 
>The Bandit Brothers fall apart rather quickly.
>At Trixie's insistence, they opted to demand their surrender rather than "severing their docking tube."
>It takes some more display of Minuette's ballad of firearms to subdue some, but it's enough to convince the rest of the crew that they're finished.
>One by one, the bandits are rounded up.
>The wounded ones are cared for by Trixie.
>As the party shoves the last remaining Bandit Brother in their ship, Minuette yanks a knapsack from one of their ranks.
>Shetakes her handful of starcoins back from the knapsack.
>"And not a single coin missing! What a day~"
>Anon takes his turn with the sack, getting his arcade tokens back.
 
>Trixie notices the tokens.
>"Wait," says Trixie. "Aren't those tokens from Slammin' Sticks?"
"Yeah. I told them they're worth twice their face value"
>Anon flips it once in the air.
"Which is actually true. Remember how they misprinted the denomination?"
>"Not anymore," interrupts Twi. "They don't accept the misprints anymore. You're S.O.L.."
"Wait, so the pepperoni slice costs—"
>"Uh huh," replies Trixie.
>Anon hangs his head.
>The Element of Empathy puts her hand on Anon's shoulder.
>"I am so sorry for your loss, Anonymous."
>It's been a tragic day.
 
>A lumpy yellow spacecraft detaches itself from the Rainboom, and limps its way home.
 
° ° °
 
>"I still say we should've vented them out the airlock," says Minuette. Cleaning bits of flesh and blood from her nasty-looking rifle.
>Trixie gives her a look.
>"Only after I've given them a good beating," says Twi. "But otherwise, I agree."
>Trixie gasps, this time genuine.
>"Sparkle! I know they punctured your ship and all—"
>She frowns.
>"Wait, is this because of how OUR counterpart of Bandit Bros called us names in class? Seriously?"
>Twi stares at her feet.
 
>Anon pulls her into a hug.
"What's gotten into you, Twi? It's not like we're being pitted against monsters. This time."
>"But you might," she answers. "And I lose sleep over it. I befriended you for selfish reasons, lied to you about how I used to be. To Trixie. You and Trixie almost got killed because I stomped on another one of my friend's dreams."
>Her hair loosens up a little. It's a tangled mess from all the fighting.
>Anon doesn't mind that one bit.
>"If I see you guys hurt because of something I did, or something I didn't do, I'd lose my *shit*. I don't want these small-time nobodies leaving a scratch on you or Trixie. I don't want them badmouthing people to whom I owe my existence to."
>With Twi's monologue finished, Anon pulls her in for a kiss. It's brief, but electrifying.
"You are my greatest strength. And my weakness. I don't know what to do with you. Or without you."
>Anon gently strokes Twi's hair.
"I promise I'll be safe. For you. Always."
 
>The Element of Empathy looks on, glitter-eyed.
>This was just like one of Anon's animes that she totally didn't sneak a viewing or two on occasion.
>She squeals a little.
 
>Minuette simply smiles.
 
 
- - - - - -
 
 
"Aaand, there we go."
>Anon finishes punching in the last line of variables into the flight computer.
>With the added mass of Bandit Bros ship, he suspected that they may have drifted too far in hyperspace. And he was right.
>Estimating the time spent, extrapolating the expected trajectory, compensating for mass...
>"Wow, math-whiz," said Trixie, her mouth full of potato chips. "Why do we even need the computer, again?"
"Because my arithmetic is shit."
>"Your arithmetic a sh—"
"Finish that sentence and I'll vent the rest of the potato chips into the void, Trix."
>She pouts.
 
>A soft bleep sounded from the computer.
"Good, now we know where we are. And the new coordinates are in already. Perfect."
>Trixie took the co-pilot seat next to Anon. Minuette and Twi were fast asleep in their respective rooms for the night.
>"Good, we're back on track. The faster we get our shopping done, the better."
>Anon nodded.
>The time was on their side, for now. Restocking shouldn't take up much time, but NV-89101 was a distant target.
 
>With pre-jump preparations done, Anon and Trixie buckled up their harness.
>Time for hyperspace.
"Punch it, Chewie!"
>"You've got to be kidding me," groans Trixie. "I am *not* playing along. Not this time"
>Anon shakes his head.
"Don't even start. YOU lost our last Hyperspace Hyperwars tournament. I'm cashing in my prize now."
>Trixie rolls her eyes.
>Anon wonders if it's her magic that allows her eyes to rotate that far up.
>"Fine," Trixie mutters. "I can't believe I'm doing this."
>Anon grins.
 
"Punch it, Chewie!"
>Trixie sighs.
>"Grrraaarrrrrrr....."