Title:           The Low Self Esteem story (Take 3)
Author:          dirtymuffin00
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/MJcr1ApS
First Edit:      Wednesday 4th of May 2016 02:50:47 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Thursday 27th of April 2017 10:57:07 PM CDT

>You fucked up.
>You’ve fucked up a million times before, but never this badly.
>Your ears are ringing.
>Your back is crippled by a tremendous, burning pain.
>It feels like you were stabbed with lit sparklers.
>Right now you’re lying face down on the cold ground.
>It takes all the strength that you can muster, but you manage to push yourself up a little.
>Only about a foot, just enough so that you could observe the situation.
>You struggle in doing so, not so much because of injury, but shock.
>There’s fire.
>Bits of gore everywhere, not yours though.
>A satchel full of supplies that you packed for your practically suicidal mission is just out of arm’s reach.
>Directly in front of you is a familiar, light blue horse.
>She’s unconscious.
>Right next to her is a backpack that you packed with explosives that should be detonating soon.
>You try to get up, but it’s too much.
>You’re both in the shitter and it’s all your fault.
>You wonder how your time here would have been had you not been so recklessly stupid.
>Of course, that’s what got you this far in life in the first place.
>You are Anonymous.
>That’s not actually your name, but it’s what these ponies called you.
>You aren’t very sure how you got here; however you were sure of a few things
>You’re a fucking moron
>Princess Celestia is a bitch
>Playing with fireworks is a bad idea
>So is always having your head in the clouds
>You were going to die here because you did just that
>So was one of the few ponies that you truly cared about
>And Twilight was going to commission a statue, painting, plaque, or some other shit in your “honor”
>It’ll be a monument to your sins
 
>https://youtu.be/Hs_oKyFjflk (embed) (Chuck Mangione- Give it all you got)
>What kind of fucked up nightmare was that?
>You open your eyes and rub some of the crust away from them.
>The upbeat flugelhorn of Chuck Mangione shakes you from your slumber
>It’s your phone letting you know that it’s time to rise and shine
>You let the alarm ring and enjoy the upbeat music as you prepare for the day ahead of you.
>First you need to pick your outfit
>You check your wardrobe
>The bulk of it is made up of worn and torn business suits
>Aside from that, you find some pocket tees, a few pairs of denim jeans, some shorts, a hotdog suit, and a pair of Groucho glasses
>That’s when you remember about IT
>IT is a suit, but not like any of your other ones
>IT is the type of thing one would normally only expect to see on a rapper
>It’s a special day though, so you might as well go out like a suave motherfucker.
>You pull out the spectacular suit and examine it.
>It’s a business suit, charcoal in color with barely visible pinstripes running up and down the blazer.
>Rarity embedded a lot of gems in the shell so the suit would glisten in the light.
>The tie that came with it has the same effect thanks to a handful of garnets and rubies in the threadwork.
>The buttons themselves are onyx
>The lining was made from a special material that Rarity bought from a designer in Baltimare.
>It’s as soft as silk, yet unbelievably durable
>Kinda needed considering the abuse you put all of your other clothes through
>Like most of your clothing, the suit is branded with a set of three diamonds just left of the collar.
>It is, without a doubt, the fanciest piece bit of clothing that you have ever owned.
>The suit itself was a gift from Rarity after you kept an eye on the Carousel Boutique while the marshmallow pony paid a visit to her store in Canterlot.
>A job well done considering there were only three times that Sweetie Belle almost torched the building to the ground.
>But you digress
>While you could stay here all day and admire the attention to detail and the sense of pride that went into making this, you have shit to do
>You head to the bathroom to brush your teeth and knock out your three “S” routine.
>Once you finish, you go downstairs and prepare a nice omelet with a bowl of oatmeal on the side.
>With breakfast out of the way, you go back upstairs to get dressed.
>You don the outfit and look in the mirror
>Kanye ain’t got shit on you
>As you look at the face of a man who now looks like a cross between Liberace and Agent 47, you can’t help but smile.
>Today is a big day after all.
>It’s your first day as an Equestrian citizen
>You were supposed to head over to Twilight’s at 7:00 to fill out some papers and finalize the process
>It’s been a long road, but through hard work, dedication, and help from Twilight and a local school teacher, you finally met the requirements for a provisional citizenship
>You were somewhat proficient at speaking the local language, you knew a decent amount of Equestrian history, and you were brought up to speed on the country’s culture
>Lastly, while you did not have to adopt the state religion, you did have to learn about it
>Of course, that came with much more of its own shit, but you never paid it much attention
>That was one of your biggest problems with this place
>You landed in some hot water after saying something a little blasphamous
>One week of house arrest
>You were lucky that Twilight convinced Princess Celestia to not banish you
>You hate it in this world, but Twilight informed you that you’re a million times better here than anywhere else
>You have been locked up in this house prison for the last week
>Any more of this and you would have probably gone mad
>Hell, you toyed with the idea of constructing a gladiator arena for flies, but you dismissed it
>The world isn’t ready for this
>Good thing yesterday was your last day
>You look at the kitteh clock on the wall
 
>06:26 AM
>You still have 34 minutes to kill
>You decide to get undressed and rub one out real quick
>Can’t have Mr. Woodcock sticking out in Twilight’s face
>You undress and then start to think of the princess and her mom’s ass
>Aaaaand you’re done
>You clean up and check the time
>06:28AM
>You end up spending the next half hour crying
 
>You head to your bathroom sink and splash a little water on your face
>Before heading out, you perform one last check of your house to see if you missed anything
>Lights are off, your checkbook is balanced, and your ficus tree doesn’t need any water
>Better check the fridge
>You’re out of beer again, your whiskey supply is running on “E” as well
>You make a mental note to ask Fluttershy to buy some for you
>Imports of course
>Equestrian beer is far from pleasant, but you could get into that later
>You sigh
>Most things here seems to be far from pleasant
>All of these faggot shit rules, the over simplicity of life that clashes with the anachronist technology that seems to be almost shoehorned into this planet, the xenophobia from ponies, and the fact that everything here is made almost exclusively for tiny equines
>Practically everything in your house had to be custom ordered from special outlets for Equestria’s “Big and Tall” crowd
>At least some of the food here is pretty good too, when it isn’t made out of grass clippings and flowers
>Also you’ve made a few cool friends
>Spike, Big Macintosh, Applejack, Lyra, the Cakes, and Fluttershy
>Lastly Twilight, who for all her faults was one of the nicest peo-err ponies that you’ve met
>You actually hit it off fairly well with her brother, up until a little mishap in the Crystal Empire
>It ended with a lengthy lecture from Twilight as she pulled you by the ear all the way to the train station
>You still keep in touch with Shining Armor through the old snail mail system
>You were actually on at least decent terms with most of Twilight’s inner circle
>Pinkie was alright, but her voice made you want to have an aneurism and Rarity was nice enough to make you this suit
>The one you couldn’t stand however was Rainbow Dash.
>She’s enough of a cunt to give a certain sun deity a run for her money
>You brought it to Twilight’s attention and she said that she would have a talk with Dash, however that only seemed to make things worse
>Once you brought it up again, Twilight told you that that’s just how she acts towards her friends and that you should suck it up
>However, you’re pretty sure that there’s a difference between friendly banter and breaking into someone’s house and stealing all of their clothes while they’re in the shower
>That’s just the tip of the iceberg, but once again, you’re going on a tangent
>With nothing else to take care of, you head to the door with the gusto of a student who just received his financial aid money
>It’ll take divine intervention to break your stride
>You open your door and the weather is beautiful
>The sun is beaming with joy
>The fragrance of alfalfa and nearby lavender plants almost seems to mask the scent of horse shit and piss that normally occupies the air
>You still haven’t gotten used to that stench and you wonder if the ponies even seem to notice it
>Come to think about it, where are all of the ponies?
>You lock the door behind you and take one step only to be pummeled by a cascade of water and a wall of wind
>Speaking of divine intervention
>You look around and see that your house is the only one with a cloud over it
>It’s as though a monsoon suddenly hit your property, and only your property at full force
>What the fuck man?
>You hear laughter
>”Bahahahaha, you should see the look on your face”
>It’s her
>You look up into the clouds and shout
“SO THIS WAS YOUR IDEA?”
>”Nah brah, that was Celestia who ordered the storm on your house”
>A sudden bolt of lightning flies out of the sky towards your house
>It hits the ficus tree on your balcony, exploding it into a million pieces
>”Now that was my idea”
>You’re shaking with anger right now
>You mumble something
“I swear to fucking God, you fucking horse, I’m going to make kebabs out of you”
>She floats down in front of you and stares into your eyes
>Her expression is hard to read
>”Well, first you’re going to have to catch me”, she says with a wink
>The bitch then gives you an overly dramatic smooch, like the kind that Bugs Bunny gives Elmer Fudd
>She blasts off leaving you wet and alone in the rain
>What the fuck just happened?
>Is this a fucking cartoon now?
>Fuck off
>You continue your way to Twilight’s
>You try and hurry before any more weird things happen
>Without any further distractions, you finally arrive at the fugly castle, raise your wet, shivering hand, and knock on the door
>A small, purple reptile opens the door
>Spike takes one look at you before roaring with laughter
>”I never thought I would see an actual monkey in a monkey suit”
>He begins snorting
>”You’re supposed to take the suit off before washing it
>He falls on his back
>”Even then I think it’s dry clean only!”
>he continues laughing so you start to walk past him
>”Twilights in the war room, you still down for Ogres & Oubliettes later?”
“You know it”
>You maneuver past the young dragon and proceed into a room with a large table in the middle, six chairs surround it
>Twilight sits in a chair with her cutie mark engraved on it, she has several papers in front of hers
>”Hello Anon”
>She points to a chair opposite of hers and instructs you to take a seat
>You sit in the crystal throne that’s embossed with 3 balloons
>”So, I trust you already know the nature of this meeting, correct?”
“Yes, your highness”
>”Please drop the formalities, I’ve told you several times that you can just call me Twilight”
“I am aware, your highness”
>Twilight looks a little annoyed but continues
>”Anyway, these are your citizen papers, if you would just sign right here”
>Twilight slides some documents and a quill your way
>You in turn pull out a ballpoint pen and sign along the X’s
>”Congratulations, that’s that. Your residency card should now work as a regular ID card”. Now for the rest of the things”
>She gives you some more papers
>”Now for the rest of them”
>Oh boy
>”Your probation papers. I trust that you already know the gist of what probation is, but just in case”
>She begins to explain
>You are on a strict curfew from sunup to sundown
>You have to surrender any and all weapons that you have
>You are unable to purchase any alcohol
>Any crime will be violating your terms and you would be sent to Tartarus
>You look at Twilight
“Is all of this really necessary?”
>”You incited a riot, now I’m a pretty patient mare, and I’ve pulled quite a few strings to keep Celestia from banishing you to Tartarus, but even I’ll get tired of your shenanigans”
>She continues “I managed to conviced Princess Celestia to refrain from banishing you, but I don’t think I can do much more past this point, so you’re on your own after this. So please sign the papers and at least try to behave”
>You sigh
>You didn’t try to do anything bad, honestly
>It’s just that the town was in musical mode and then they passed the mic to you
>In your drunken state you tried to sing
>Wasn’t your fault that they thought you were so bad that they began to riot
>Everybody’s a critic
>You sign the papers and give them back to bookhorse
>”Great. Don’t look so down now, your probation should be over in a year. For now, however, welcome to your new life as an Equestrian”, she says while giving you a flag
“Thanks Twilight, really. I’ll try to find a way to repay you someday”
>She mumbles something under her breath
>”You could use my pussy as a boxing glove”
>Confused and slightly uncomfortable, you begin to make your way out the door
>”Not so fast, you still need your traditional Equestrian welcome”
>Twilight magics over a vuvuzela and begins to blow
>Suddenly the room is filled with ponies
>All of them are covered in red and white body paint, and all of them are playing kazoos
>One pony makes her way to you and smashes a cake in your face
>You can taste mayonnaise and raisins
>You try to run away in horror before more absurdities can happen, but Twilight detains you with her magic
>”It’s not over yet”, she says as she hovers your way
>She holds an egg on your forehead, then smashes it before snapping a picture
>”I just want to remember this day forever”
>She then releases her magical grip on you
>Terrified, you run away as fast as your legs will let you
>Calling this culture shock would be a gross understatement
>You sprint back home
>On your way, you encounter a teary-eyed Rarity, who was apparently so touched that you managed to finalize your citizenship while wearing one of her garments
>Once home, you rush inside and spend the next hour in the shower
>The whole ordeal with Rainbow Dash earlier did not seem so bad anymore
>Once you manage to calm your nerves over the slightly traumatic event, you throw the suit in a pile of clothes to be cleaned
>It’s a good thing that Rarity made sure that suit was tough
>You get dressed in a less spectacular suit
>There’s a knock on your door
>You answer it to find a yellow pegasus wearing an exterminator’s uniform with some groucho glasses
>She has a large box in front of her
>”Good evening sir, I come from the “Detest the Pest” pest control company. I was wondering if I could come in to give you a complimentary evaluation”
“Why yes, of course”
>You let the small pony into your home and shut the door behind her
>She sets her box down on your coffee table
>The pony takes off her disguise and begins to speak to you in a hushed whisper
>”Pssst Anon, I’m not really an exterminator. It’s actually me, Fluttershy”
“I would have never guessed”
>”I’m so sorry for fooling you, it’s just that I can’t let the town be aware of our dealings. Anyway, I came by to drop this off”
>Fluttershy points to the box
>”This should keep you busy for a while”
>You go to open it, but she stops you
>”Not yet Mister, payment first”
“Oh come on Fluttershy, you know I’m good for it”
>She flies up to meet your gaze and looks into your eyes
>You feel her piercing gaze peer right into your soul
>”Do as I say, or they’ll be heck to pay!”
>You can almost feel the contempt in her stare
>As you look into her eyes, an ancient primal fear grows in the pit of your being
>You manage to speak up
“I-I’ll go grab it, just hold on and I’ll be right back”
>You walk into your basement
>It’s filled with all sorts of strange and foreign objects
>Electronics, tools, appliances, furniture, weapons, and some snacks, plus a few other things
>You go to a cage that’s sitting on top of a workshop and pull out a small rabbit, before putting it into a box
>You then place a hamster into the same box before closing it
>God damn, you’re a piece of shit
>You go back to Fluttershy
“Here you go, now can I open the box?”
>”Of course you can, if that’s okay with you”
>You open the box and see a 24 pack of beer, a small bottle of whiskey, some bottles of a strange liquid, a bag of some green powder, and a bag full of blue flowers
“Hey, this isn’t the kind of beer that I wanted. I asked for imports”
>She looks a little annoyed
>”Well, this is one of the best brands in Equestria, but you’re right. You did ask for something else”
>Fluttershy then smiles
>”I’ll have Angel bring you something later”
>She puts the box into a saddlebag and loads the saddlebag onto her back
“What do you do with those things anyway?”
>”I breed them. I want to see how the stack up against Equestrian critters as well as what would happen if I crossbred them”
“Is that ethical?
>”Is it ethical to use alien animals to buy drugs?”
>She has a point
>”Now I’m sorry but I have to get going, Harry the Bear needs a bath and he gets really grumpy when his fur is dirty”
>Fluttershy opens you door
>”One more thing, please make sure the rest of the animals are taken care of”
>With that, she’s off
>She seems to have forgotten to put her disguise back on
>So much for wanting to keep this a secret
>You go to hang it in your closet so you can give it back to her the next time you see her
>As you hang it, a note falls out of one of the pockets
>You pick it up and begin to read the girly manuscript
>”Are Groucho glasses your fetish, Anon?”
>You crumple up the paper and make a mental note to burn everything
>You grab one of the beers and decide to get started on it
>You open the bottle using another bottle and take a drink
>An amber liquid fills your mouth
>The flavor is something that can only be described as salty and fruity
>You weren’t exactly sure what kind, it’s probably one that is native to Equestria
>There are clusters of sugar floating around
>You weren’t some kind of beer guru, but trying out several brands of this stuff lead you to this conclusion
>Equestrian beer is pretty shitty for anyone who isn’t a horse
>You decide to just start pounding the disgusting beverage
>You almost manage to finish the first bottle when there is a knock at your door
>”Anon are you there? I need to talk to you”
>It was Twilight
>Shit
>In a panicked state, you toss the bottle into your sink and you grab the box, then take it up to your bedroom
>The knocking continues
>”Please Anon, this is kind of important”
>What could she want?
>You just talked to her
“Just a second!”
>You shout back
>You grab the pile of dirty clothes from earlier and throw it on top of the box
>You then wipe some of the mayo off of the suit and put it in your mouth
>Hopefully that will hide the scent of the beer
>You rush downstairs and open the door to find a slightly irritated mare
“Oh, hello Princess, how can I help you?”
>”Anon, we just went over this, you can just call me Twilight”
“You got it, your majesty”
>She gives you an annoyed look
>Boy you love messing with this mare
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
>”I was wondering if I could come inside so we could have a little more privacy”
“Sure thing”
>You open the door enough for her to pass by
>You invite her to sit on the couch, which she does not hesitate to do
>Twilight plops her rear on your leather couch, which she apparently loves
>Of course, you lied to her and told her that it was made out of a special polymer
“Now that we have some privacy, what did you want to talk about?”
>She looks at you
>”Is there anything you want to talk about? Maybe something that happened earlier today”
>You look at her, then your eyes dart at the kitteh clock that’s mounted on the wall
>It’s 10:38
>Weird, it almost looks like the sun is going to set soon
>Celestia must be drinking on the job again
“I’m not sure, what’s this about?”
>”Well, my sources told me that there was a little incident involving Rainbow Dash this morning”
>That bitch must have told Twilight that you did something to her
“Look Twilight”
>She perks up after hearing you call her by her name
“I didn’t do anything there, I swear. I was the victim”
>She grins at you
>”Go on”
>You give her the run down of what happened earlier that day and you tell her about the rainstorm that Celestia sent to your house
>”Well, while I don’t think Celestia would do such a thing”
>”I don’t put it past Rainbow Dash”, she mumbles
>Good, she’s on your side
>She tries to talk but her voice begins to crack
>Twilight takes a second to compose herself
>”I don’t think it was meant to be mean spirited however, she likes playing pranks. She’s probably trying to get you to be her friend”
>Yeah, like the time she dumped a bunch of trash on your roof
>Or the time that she dumped a bunch of rotten bananas on your porch
>Or the time she sculpted a cloud statue of you with a tiny dick and put it in the town square
>Fuck her
>She was a pretty good artist, you’ll give her that much
>As if she’s able to read your mind, Twilight says something
>”I do think she’s been a little harsh though, I’ll go have a chat with her”
>You smile
>Granted, you think it’s only going to temporarily halt the hazing, but a few days without that crazed bitch is a godsend
“Thank you Twilight”
>The petite purple pony princess blushes at the mention of her name
>”Anything to help a friend”
>She starts making her way out, when she stops
>”How did you manage get all this stuff anyway?”
“Well, I bought the couch slightly used. It used to belong to a small time talent agency, but the guy said that he thoroughly cleaned it”
>She gives you a puzzled look
>”Okay… and the rest of the stuff?”
>You have no idea why you told her what you did
“Oh, I melted down a bunch of bits and sold them to a few drug dealers”
>”I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that”
>Twilight makes her way to your front door and you follow right behind
>She opens the door
> [spoiler]get on the floor[/spoiler]
> [spoiler]everybody walk the dinosaur[/spoiler]
>”Goodbye Anon. I’ll come over tomorrow after I have a chat with Rainbow Dash”
>She stretches out one of her hooves, and eagerly awaits your handshake
>Fuck that shit
>You squat down and surprise the mare with a hug
>She in turn wraps her hooves around you and returns the embrace
>You hear her trying to stifle what sounds like a sob, and with that, her grip gets tighter
>A little too tight
CRAAAACKK
>Twilight’s alicorn strength causes her to pop your back
>She immediately releases her grip
>You wince at the feeling of having your vertebrae suddenly popped back into alignment with such force
>”Sorry”
>She looks at you for a brief moment
>The rays of the evening sun coat her in an amber light
>You see what looks like streaks running down her face
>They’re glistening in the sunlight and it seems that they took a little bit of mascara with them too
>Before you can look at her anymore, Twilight turns around and stops
>She’s just staring at a cloud
“Um, Twi”
>She shushes you
>”Shhh, looks like you might not even have to wait until tomorrow”
>She then takes off and speeds towards the cloud, which just so happens to start running away from her
>After a few seconds and some aerial maneuvers, Twilight has a mouthful of rainbow
>She flies down to you, pulling a familiar pegasus down with her
>Twilight then sets Rainbow Dash on the ground
>”It’s over Rainbow Dash, I know that you’ve been tormenting Anon”
>”Oh come on Twilight, Anon is just making that up just to start drama. Are you really going to take that creep’s word over that of a longtime friend?”
>”Well, your track record makes it plausible. Plus I didn’t just hear it from him. There was another witness.”
>Rainbow Dash puts on a look that just says “Oh shit”
>”You didn’t think you were alone all those times you pulled off one of your cruel pranks, did you?”
>”That’s impossible, I checked to make sure that nop0ny was around”
>At this point, a small crowd of ponies begins to gather around
>”Was it Pinkie Pie who told you, because she was only around for one of the pranks?”
>”NO!! It was somep0ny else. It was the bearer of the 7th Element of Harmony.”
>”WHAT!!?? THERE ARE SEVEN ELEMENTS!?”
>You aren’t sure what is going on anymore, but it’s interesting so you keep listening
>”Yes, my little pony. How else did you think that we always managed to come out on top, despite the odds?”
>”Well Twi, spit it out! Who is the seventh element?”
>”She is the most important one of all. She represents the Element of Plot Convenience…”
>Twilight pauses before taking a deep breath
>”…and her name is [spoiler] [withheld] [/spoiler]”
>Everyone just stands there, mouth agape
>Rainbow Dash’s mouth is open so wide, that it looks like she’s going to dislocate her jaw if she opens it any further
>”That’s right, she is so mysterious that I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!!AHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
>You aren’t sure what to think right now
>Twilight might have just lost her mind
>This might be the worst case of sudden massive mind loss that you’ve seen
>Maybe it’s the work of the illuminati
>You look at Rainbow Dash, and she just looks completely obliterated
>You almost feel bad for her
>Or you would have had she not been such a cunt to you this whole time
>You look at your hands
>They are shaking
>You push a button on your watch and pause the story until you feel like you can continue
>It’s been 12 days since you stopped time
>Too damn long to keep doing this shit
>Your hands have long since stopped shaking and you’re just being a fucken bitch right about now
>You decide to unpause everything and go on with life
>Ponies all around are still shaken by what has just transpired
>Rainbow Dash is on her back, she’s just kind of resting on her cannon
>You’re both facing the same direction, which is towards Twilight
>RD is in the middle, about 5 paces in front of you
>You’re still unsure of what exactly just happened
>Twilight is panting right about now
>It takes a few more seconds before she finally breaks the silence
>”So, I don’t think this situation is all bad since you can learn a valuable friendship lesson”
>Twilight looks at you with a toothy grin
>This can’t no be Bueno
>Rainbow Dash looks back at you, her expression just screams “Oh fuck”
>She knows what Twilight is capable of
>”I think that it would be for the best if you two were to live together for the time being”
>Shiiittt
>”That way you”, she says while pointing at the cerulean pegasus, “can learn to get past your prejudices”
>”and yooouuu”, she points to you, “can stop being such a Debbie Downer all the bucking time. It’ll be one of my best friendship lessons yet.”
>Once more, you look at RD
>She’s staring right at you
>Her eyes widen, then she winks
>Rainbow Dash speaks up, her voice is a little shaky from the ordeal
>”Well Twi, as much as I would love to hang out with the space monkey, I have to report to the Wonderbolts, so I’ll have to pass. Maybe we can figure something else out”
>She moves one of her hooves behind her back, signaling you to play along
>You do so, because as much as you hated this bitch and wanted to see her get punished, you didn’t want to get stuck with her
 “Rainbow Dash is right, this is the perfect chance to bond without invading each other’s bubbles”
>You swallow a lump in your throat
“Hell, I we’ll be besties before the night ends. Isn’t that right, friend?”
>”hehe, yeah buddy”
>Twilight stops for a second
>It looks like she might have bought it
>A light forms around her horn
>You are then enveloped in a magenta aura
>Before you know it, the three of you are standing in a clearing out in the middle of the woods
>”Do you seriously expect me to believe that?”
>”Anon, you are a terrible actor and Rainbow Dash, you’re even worse at lying”
>You can barely make out Rainbow Dash mumbling “How the buck did you know?”
>”I have written 6 essays, read 37 of them, as well as 12 books on the subject of lying. I could detect a tell from a mile away. For example, the left side of your mouth twitches whenever you tell a lie. The zygomaticus major, as it’s called”
>”I first noticed it after you lied about eating the cake when we we’re on that train to Canterlot”
>”And when you told me that you couldn’t make it to my birthday party because your grandmother was graduating kindergarten”
>Twilight mumbles what you can only assume to be pony profanity
>”Plus, that’s an obvious deviation from Giddy Kneeslapper’s 12 Steps to Building a Friendship With a Member of a Different Species”
>Sounds weirdly specific, but ok
>”Dinner is not supposed to happen until Step 5. So, I’ll let the wonderbolts know that there was a friendship emergency and that I need to keep you here as long as I have to”
>RD:”No way. I don’t want to be near that monkey freak”
>Twilight snaps back at her
>”Is that insubordination I hear!?”
>Rainbow Dash barely manages to squeak something out
>”…no ma’am”
>”And you, I’m sure Princess Celestia would love to hear about all of the drugs at your house. Who knows, she might love it so much that she’ll come over for a house tour”, Twilight gives you a triumphant smile “Maybe she’ll have a look in that basement”
>You shudder at the thought of spending the rest of your life trapped in hell
>Suddenly, dealing with some bitch for a few days didn’t seem so bad
>You think about how Twilight threatened to charge one of her best friends with something that would almost certainly lead to her getting court martialed and stripped of her rank
>Twilight takes this friendship stuff wayyy to seriously
>Twilight’s expression changed from angry to one of sorrow
>”Look, I’m not going to force you to make it work, I’m just asking you to give it a try. I’m hoping to put today behind us and start anew”
>Twilight looks like she’s about to cry
>You swear this mare has more mental disorders than a gender chart
>To think that you were worried about popping a boner in front of her
>”So do we have a deal?”
>Twilight holds a hoof out in front of you two
>Rainbow Dash takes a few seconds to answer before putting her hoof on top of Twilight’s
>”Deal”
>They turn to you
>Maybe you have been approaching this incorrectly this whole time
>You lay your hand on top of Rainbow Dash’s
“Deal”
>Twilight squeaks with delight before wrapping the two of you in another incredibly tight bear hug
>Once more, you back cracks
>Is it too late to burn in Hell?
>With a sudden flash, you’re now alone in your living room with the pegasus
>The door is now closed and the house is dead silent
>Without thinking, you say the first thing that comes to mind
“That bitch needs to get laid”
>The small pony laughs
>”So do you really have drugs?”
>You didn’t want to answer that
>You knew befriending the Dashie wasn’t going to be easy
>Neither was disappointing Twilight
>You salute the brave pony who will volunteer for that job, because Lord knows you’re not sticking your dick in anything that’s that crazy
>You thought about what Twilight said
>Could you befriend this pony?
>You weren’t sure, but you were going to try and keep the promise you made to Twilight
>You have been sitting there in silence for a fairly long time, so you try and think of a subject to talk about
>Then you remember the things that Twilight told you while she was mindlessly babbling about her friends
>That pony really needs a hobby
>Rainbow Dash is extremely fond likes sports and Daring Do
>You can’t read Equine well enough to understand that shit, so you go with sports
>She’s a hoofball fanatic and she’s from Cloudsdale, so this should be easy
“So, how about them Cloudsdale Cloudkickers? Personally, I’m a fan of the Fillydelphia Beagles, but I guess the Cloudkickers are pretty cool too”
>”Are you bucking serious right now?”
>You’ve only been here a few months and these horse puns were already getting on your nerves
>”They’ve been on a losing streak all season”
>Should have probably read up on that
>”Are you trying to talk shit, or are you just too stupid to actually follow the bucking sport?”
>What the fuck, Rainbow Dash has zero chill
>So much for befriending this cunt
>She must have read your expression
>”Look. I know that I said that I would try to be friends, but there’s no way I’ll be friends with a monkey alien freak like you”
>Well, it’s not like you had feelings or any other faggot shit
>”Now we should live together for a week, tell Twilight it didn’t work out, then get done with this”
>”So, If you excuse me, I’ll be on my way to get some of my stuff”
>Rainbow Dash says before flying out a window
>You are left in the middle of your room
>It’s noontime and your day has been nothing but terrible
>A week
>You were going to have to deal with her abuses for a week
>Fuck this
>You were going to make sure that you will make those seven days an absolute hell for her
>Or your name is not Anonymous (which it’s not)
>This shit is on