Title:           Anon Tried to Kill Himself - Act I, part 9
Author:          Writefag_Roulette
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/dxGDgMhM
First Edit:      Thursday 25th of August 2016 12:52:22 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 25th of August 2016 12:52:22 PM CDT

Part 9: Anon Fucking Hates Friendship
 
>you feel it from the second you woke up
>today will be a terrible day
>you don't know how you know, as things are still quiet
>perhaps it's the sticky sensation of the accumulated misadventures of the past week lurching around in your soul
>perhaps it's some feeling of hopelessness at your inability to answer the question of yesterday
>perhaps it's the fact that you went all day yesterday without speaking to Twilight once, and had gone the past two days without speaking to her outside of breakfast
>perhaps it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come today
>it's five in the morning
>you're lying awake in bed
>you don't know why, but you know that today will be hell
>and then it hits you
>specifically, the sound of shouting poinies hits you
>"C'mon, it's going this way!"
>"This is Spike's room! It's Anon's room too!"
>"Maybe it won't go in."
>a floating purple star flies through the door
>shit fuckcuntering damnit fucking purple nigger jew kike wop sheeny bastards on a raft in shitfuck land
>you close your eyes and desperately try to pretend to be asleep
>the door crashes open and the sound of hooves thunders across the crystal tile
>a thud to your left and a nasally groan alerts you to the fact that Spike's slumber has been disturbed
>"Hey, what gives? It's five in the… whoah…"
>Rainbow Dash's voice explains Spike's evident wonder
>"It's circling over Anon's head."
>you continue your feigned sleep, knowing full well that you won't be left in peace any time soon
>"B-but why would it do that?"
>"Maybe it's a sign that Nonny is the Chosen One!"
>"Chosen what now, pardner?"
>"What would the map possibly choose Anon for, darling?"
>"Well, none of your cutie marks are signalling, only mine. Maybe the map wants me to take Anon."
>an awkward silence tells you that nobody likes the idea of you being chosen by some magical map any more than you do
>a hoof delivers a gentle yet firm shake to your shoulder
>"Anon? We need you to get up. This is important."
>you don't bother to fake waking up
>your eyes just open
>"Anon, get dressed and come downstairs. We're going somewhere today."
"Sure."
>the purple star zips out of the room
>"It's going this way!"
>"After it!"
>five ponies rush into the passageway
>Twilight stays behind and rubs your scalp for about ten seconds
>"Just meet us downstairs soon, Anon. Okay?"
"Okay"
>as Twilight leaves, you make a point to glance at her butt
>there's that same purple star on it
>what could a mark like that even mean?
 
>you get out of bed and head downstairs
>the six ponies are gathered around the table with the map
>in the same marked thrones where they sat during that awful breakfast
>their faces are deadly serious
>Twilight's cutie mark hovers over the Crystal Empire
>it seems to notice you and brighten up considerably
>Rainbow speaks up
>"Well, that settles it. Anon is supposed to go with you on this one."
>Twilight agrees
>"I can't really see any other interpretation to this. Anon has to be the one to come with me on this quest."
>she looks to you
>"I think I can kind of see why. Anon, you've made progress over the past week. I understand that you've opened up considerably more than I expected you would this early on."
>"I know it must not feel like it, but a lot of ponies around town know who you are, Anon. They think you're great. Not only for the things you never meant to do at the party, but also from your amazing display of strength at the gym. You can't see it yet, but you're giving an aura, Anon. An aura that draws ponies in."
>"You're not ready to fully integrate into a friendship-based society, but you're getting there. And I certainly think you're ready to help me solve whatever friendship problem may arise in the Crystal Empire."
>there's a tightness in your throat
>there's a lead weight in your gut
>there's a wet heat in your eyes
>never in all your life
>have you ever heard
>such a nice-sounding pile of horseshit
>you don't believe a fucking word of it
>you're about to start feeling pissed when Rarity pipes up
>"Oh, Twilight. An excursion to the Crystal Empire could easily turn out to be dangerous! Anonymous is just so… delicate."
>Fluttershy adds her two cents
>"Oh, it's true! Anon is so sensitive! What if he can't take it?!"
>Rainbow Dash disagrees
>"Of course he can take it! Anon is strong!"
>Pinkie Pie also leaps to your defense
>"Yeah! Anon is a ka-razy party animal!"
>Applejack is the only one who doesn't voice an opinion
>she just stares at you
>the orange farm pony delivers a perfect poker face in your direction
>Twilight interrupts the debate
>"It doesn't matter. We have to trust the map's judgement. If it says I take Anon, then I'll take Anon. There's nothing else to be said for it, girls."
>"Twilight, please let us come with you then! Anon isn't prepared for whatever's coming!"
>"No, Fluttershy. If you were supposed to come, we would know. This is the end of the discussion."
>a tense silence fills the air
>all this bickering over some faggot like you
>you suppress a cynical giggle
"All right, let's go then!"
>you're so not ready for whatever this shit is
>you don't even know what the fuck it's supposed to be
>like it fucking matters
 
----------------------------------------------------------------
 
>for a while the chugging of the train is all there is
>your mind is blank
>there is only rapid, repetitive, regular sound of the locomotive
>and the quickly sliding landscape, moving ever backward
>the way it's peppered with constantly changing distortion from little beads of rain gathering on a pane of glass
>but there's nothing in your mind
>at least, not until the thought of "I'm not thinking of anything at all" crosses your mind
>fuck shit no damnit why fuck you fucking thoughts go away
>the more frantically you try to suppress your brain's activity, the more words it produces
>shit fucking damnit
>now you have to think about it
>think about what exactly?
>you look around the train cabin
>you see Twilight Sparkle sitting next to you
>she's clearly just as "deep in thought" as you were a minute ago
>Twilight's as good a place as any to start internally griping from
>you're sitting next to a magic unicorn princess with wings in a train on your way to a crystal city that calls itself an empire
>you are sitting next to a literal princess like you just don't give a shit
>and she is a talking horse
>this is all so fucking wierd
>you remember now that, when you were in high school, you had to read Gulliver's Travels
>most people didn't really get it past Lilliput
>but the part that had gotten to you the most was the last part
>with the Houyhnhnms
>essentially, a utopic nation of talking horses
>no stealing, no violence, no dishonesty
>they just couldn't comprehend these concepts
"Twilight?"
>it takes her a moment to realize she's been addressed
>she briefly mumbles something and looking around until her eyes settle on you
>"Yes, Anon?"
"Have you ever heard of 'lying'?"
>she gives you a look
>"Lying?"
"You know, saying that which is not."
>"No, I-I know what lying is, but… why would you ask me that?"
>well, Mr. Swift
>your vision was a little off
"No reason."
>"Do you wanna talk or something?"
"Sure."
>fuck
>you answered before you could think about it
>now comes the brief, awkward period where you stare at Twilight
>and she stares at you
>and you try to think of something to talk about
>fortunately, you're saved by the whistle of the train
>and a stallion with olympian ivory sideburns trots through the cabin
>"We have reached the Crystal Empire. All ashore who's goin' ashore."
>"We can talk in a little bit, Anon. Let's go. I didn't send word that I was coming, so hopefully Princess Cadance doesn't hold us up."
 
>Twilight slips into a raincoat before getting off the train
>"To hide the wings."
>and you're off
>"Okay"
>she pulls out a map of the city
>"Now, we should start searching for the problem right away. There's no way of telling just how serious this could be."
>okay
>so you walk off in a direction that catches your fancy
>Twilight notices after a moment and runs to catch up with you
>"Anon! Anon! Wait up! We can't just split up like this, you don't know your way around the Crystal Empire!"
"Neither do you."
>"I've got the map."
"Has a map of the area ever actually helped you find one of these problems before?"
>"W-well, it's never a bad idea to have a map!"
"How are we supposed to figure out what's going on anyway?"
>"In the past we've always just sort of stumbled across the problem."
"So let's go stumble around the city."
>"It's an Empire, Anon."
>what kind of shitty empire is a tiny piece of territory within a kingdom?
>whatever
>you're still walking in the direction you started off on, friendship horse princess in tow
>it's terribly striking just how comfortable you've grown with her
>"So…"
>you look at her
>"What was that about lying earlier?"
"Just some book I read when I was a kid."
>"A book? What are the books like where you're from? What sort of book was this?"
"It was a satire written against human society a long time ago. It was about a sailor who kept getting stranded in fantastical civilizations."
>she seems to have a general idea of where you're going with this
"In his final adventure, he comes to a perfect nation ruled by talking horses. There's no lying, no stealing, no violence, no crime. The only trouble is a vicious animal that looks and acts like a human being, but lacks human intelligence. The sailor loves living here, but in the end, he's…"
>Anon's not like us
"…just not like they are, so they have to banish him forever. He goes home and loses his mind, now fully aware that he'll always be stuck with a highly flawed society, a highly flawed body of peers, and a highly flawed self."
>Twilight doesn't respond right away
>"Wow. You've never opened up like that before, Anon."
"I guess."
>"Do you really think Equestria is like this place you described? You know, we do have lying and stealing and crime and whatnot."
>you look around, seeing nothing but happy, smiling, brilliantly shining ponies radiating warmth and familiarity in all directions
>you feel that in a big city like this back on Earth, you'd have good cause to be afraid of bodily harm right now
"Maybe so, but not to the extent that we had it. And you ponies have other desirable traits that human society lacks."
>"Like what?"
"Like, what you did for me. Most humans would have just said something insincere about how horrible it was that some young fellow would off himself like that and move along with their lives. Nobody would have really cared."
 
"And all my life I've been like this. Alone. The others all just… knew that I wasn't like them somehow, and they stayed as far away as possible. All of my deepest interactions with others haven't involved anything more intimate that shooting bullshit with someone who was forced to be around me daily for work or school reasons. Nobody would ever try to to reach out to me, least of all someone important like you."
>Twilight abruptly stops walking, forcing you to halt in your tracks and turn to face her
>"Nobody? Nobody at all? Not even your family? Anon, up until a few years ago I'd spent my whole life avoiding getting close to others, but I always had my family to turn to when I needed support."
>your family
>there's a shitfest you've given no thought to in a long time
>if Twilight was ever anything like you she'll answer this question the way you think she will
"How often did you turn to them after moving out?"
>"N-not very often."
>"But Spike was always around! And I kept in constant correspondance with Princess Celestia! It's something, Anon! You had somebody!"
>you think hard for a moment, prompted by the unexpected display of passion
>your family again comes to mind, but you rapidly banish the thought from your brain
>you had a few friends when you were little, but early on you started developing in a radically different direction from the way they went
>when high school started some folks briefly tried to recruit you into their social circles
>but those circles were just too loud, too bright, and too hot for you
>after a couple weeks you - almost involuntarily - would actively avoid them, and they always stopped talking to you after that
>college was much of the same
>by the time you got your first job it was too late for you
>by this point you'd stopped giving a shit, you crafted an entertaining mask and displayed it whenever your coworkers tried to see you
>they appreciated you to some extent at work, but not one of them really viewed you as an equal
>water cooler bullshit or not, they still knew that you weren't like them
>at least, that's the impression you got
>and after you quit that hellhole, you went NEET and lost all contact with everyone you'd ever known
>and now you're here
"None that I can think of, Twilight."
>you've practiced this conversation a billion times
>but never, in all the years since you first conceived it, did you ever dare to speak it aloud
>it's left you feeling squishy, cold, and vulnerable
>"Anon, I-"
>she's interrupted by a mighty roar of displeasure
>you both look across the street to see a gray and black stallion being goaded along down the sidewalk by an elderly, onyx crystal pony
>he doesn't have a cutie mark
>you want to label him a pathetic autist, but all you can do right now is feel
>Twilight, on the other hand, is petrified at the sight