Title:           Anonymous's Antics
Author:          Scrub_Jay
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/Jb6fbqBD
First Edit:      Wednesday 20th of May 2015 04:55:51 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Wednesday 20th of May 2015 04:59:22 PM CDT

>As Princes Luna watches the sun set, she faces away to her bed.
>She will return soon to watch over the night.
>Releasing a groan, she rests her head on  her pillow.
>Might as well take a short nap before she exchanges shifts with her sister.
>Before her eyelids heavy, she hears a knock.
>Slinking off her bed, she glided to the door.
>Opening it revealed a saluting guard.
>"At ease," she waves off the guard. "For what reason have you awoken me guard? Night court does not begin for another hour."
>"It is Anonymous your highness. He reached the insides of the castle."
>Luna closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
>"Where was he last seen?" She says looking around the guard.
>"He was last observed down this hall," the guard points. “It shouldn't be difficult to detect him."
>"The others, have they done anything to provoke him yet?"
>"No your highness. We are following protocol as requested and are simply ignoring him."
>"Well done," she walks past the guard, heading towards where Anon was last seen. "I will investigate the matters regarding our visitor. You may return to your post guard."
 
>Luna walks down the hall to encounter the peculiar figure.
>Anonymous, a creature that never helps with her temperament throughout every evening.
>Although the nights have never been exciting before he came to Equestria, she always abhorred the results of his excursions.
>His endless list of pranks always damaged her reputation.
>She has been excluded from society for more than a thousand years.
>No one informed her to the racism of Zigga or the backlash she would receive for shouting it.
>Even then, they try to better each other with her losing by morning.
>Anonymous proceeded to be two steps ahead of her.
>There should be no possible way for a mortal could get the better of a princess goddess.
>Approaching his side, she stood tall with wings now all outstretched.
>"Mind telling us what you are doing in the castle?"
>"Shhh," he places a finger on her lips,  concentrating on the guard before him. "I am trying to understand this art piece. I mean, I get the concept behind it, but what does it really tell us. He is standing there with an expressionless face, doing nothing. It's speaking to me, but what is it saying."
>"He shouldn't be telling you anything," Luna furrows a brow and frowns. "He is simply following his orders and guarding the palace from any intruders. Which now that we are talking about it. Pray do tell Anonymous, how did you get inside the castle this time?"
>He shrugs off her question, facing nose to nose with the guard.
>He takes a moment to examine the facial features plastered on the pony before him before letting out a small grunt.
>"I got it!" He pulls away from the guard, snapping a finger to the air. "His eyes bring full meaning to the expression. He is a representation of a being tortured for eternity. A being unable to run away from a cruel and unusual fate. Probably a representation of life and how if we don't keep moving on, we will be forced to suffer. But I am only left with more questions. What is causing this pony's suffering and why doesn't he try to escape it? Unless we find the artist of this piece, I guess we will never know,"
>scratching his chin, he turns away to leave the guard to his post.
>The guard lets out a deep breath, repositioning himself for the rest of the evening.
>Ignorance, the last weapon in their arsenal with any power to counter Anonymous.
>Any attempts to subdue him would lead to recurrence of the last incident.
>A traumatic experience for all involved, Anonymous excluded.
>"I apologize for his behavior," she gives a fake smile to the guard, not making eye contact. "He may be a bit eccentric, but you handled him well. Continue the good work."
>The guard saluted her then returned to his original posture.
>"Anonymous," she calls out, praying for no other ponies to be in his warpath. "There you are! Now mind telling me how you managed to reach the insides of the ca—"
>"How many times do I have to say it? Shhh," he holds the princess's mouth shut with his palm, forcing her to release muffled mumbles. "Now I do not understand this piece at all. Not a single bit. Do you have any idea of what it means or at least where the artist is coming from?"
>Focusing hard on the structure before him, he releases the princess's mouth.
>"That is a fern..." she says rolling her eyes. “Why would a plant have any meaning? Now explain! How did you get past the guards and into the cas—?"
>An obtrusive finger attacking her nose silences her.
>"Hey! That's sensitive," her face retracts as she rubs her nostrils.
>"Don't you know how to act in a gallery," he whispers, waving the offending finger at her. "If you can't grasp the concept something just say you don't understand it and move on. You shouldn't continue to make noise and distract everyone else from viewing the art. Don't be like that sculpture from earlier."
>Princess Luna lets out a sigh, concentrating on the fern. Focusing some magic she tosses it across the hallway.
>"Hey I was looking at that."
>"Explain! How did you get inside the castle?"
>"Or maybe, I was never here at all," waving his hands and fingers in front of the princess, he backs away with light footsteps.
>"Anonymous! You are trying my patience."
>"Oh fine! You win party pooper," turning around, he attempts to walk through the distant hall exit.
>Before his departure, a blue aura surrounded his collar, dragging him back in place.
>"Let me go." he screams as he thrashes around, trying to hit anything within his grasp. With nothing in reach, he grunts and goes limp.
>"Do not make me ask again," she places the man face to face with her.
>"You have beautiful eyes you know?" He says caressing her crest.
>Luna frowns, releasing her magical hold on his collar.
>"Ow,"  he says flopping onto the floor.
>"Answer or I may accidentally drop you out the window." She says replacing him back to his original arrangement.
>"Alright alright," he smiles as he placed both his hands up in the air. "I tried to walk inside the castle, but the guards stopped me. Said I was banned or something weird like that. But why would I be banned? Not only do you guys love me," with a big grin he stretch her cheeks side to side. "I mean look at me, I am awesome! You don't need to punish those guards though. I knew they wanted to see me in action, so I scaled the castle wall. You should have had seen the look on their faces. The guards were all shouting and cheering my name, saying that they should alert the princesses. They must have had not wanted you two to miss any of the action. They even tried to get me down the wall to get my autograph, but I knew I had to finish the climb. Can't let your fans down you know."
>Princess Luna feels her body strain as she removes his hands from her face.
>Shaking her head, she released his collar from her magical hold.
>Each week they need to think of a new way to prevent his invasion. And yet, every time they install a new defensive measure, he finds a way to get around it.
>Once he reaches inside the castle, he always has to go through with his antics.
>The princesses had to set protocols to prevent the guards from getting involved.
>And yet, he would still make attempts to incorporate them into his plans.
>"And the guard from before. What were you doing with him?"
>"He didn't want my autograph, so I assumed he was a statue. I mean, can you believe it? He must be a really well trained or something. I mean I heard the guards saying that they should not try to get my autograph and to wait for the princess, but how did he resist so well."
>"They said not to get your... autograph?"
>"Well, not exactly," he circles his finger in the air. "They said don't try to subdue him and to wait for the princesses to arrive, but I knew what they really meant."
>"I see," she scratches her chin with a hoof. "And if you don't mind me asking, what are you planning now?"
>"Since a certain princess, not going to name any names, but I forgive her," he pats Luna's withers before leaning on her. "Well, anyways. Since she destroyed my gallery experience, I decided to go visit the castle storage."
>"Oh humor me. What did you need from there? You realize that powerful artifacts are contained in there. I hope you weren't planning on using any of them."
>"W—what? No, no, not anymore at least," he wraps an arm around her neck. "When I first found the room, I was planning on trying some of the artifacts and yet, none of them worked. I remember trying one that had a big red gem, probably was silver, definitely shaped like a horse, I think. Some artifact of dark power it was, didn't even make a good paperweight."
>"The Alicorn Amulet," Luna stammered, eyes widening to Anonymous.
>"Yea, now that you say it. I think that was what it was called."
>"Where have you placed it? Tell me now!"
>"Now now princess, you don't need to worry. It is in a safe place," unwrapping his arm, he reaches for Luna's face, squishing her cheeks together. "I lost it."
>"What!" She shouts smacking his hands away.
>"I know what you are thinking, but don't worry. It will show up eventually. It's a good thing it is broken."
>"I can assure you of one thing, broken it was not. The amulet's purpose was solely for unicorns. Mind telling me how something so dangerous could become lost?"
>"Oh! That is very simple. One day I was skipping rocks in the swamps at the Everfree. But I ran out, so I tried the amulet thinking it would skip even further. Oh man was I wrong. Like dead wrong and now we have one less amulet."
>Unable to make a sound, Luna just stands in place, mouth agape.
>"Don't worry though. I put something of equal value inside the vault."
>"What could possibly be of equal value to—"
>"Cheese."
>"Cheese?"
>"Yes!" Anonymous throws a hand to the sky. "Cheese, the greatest type of food that has ever existed. Each kind has their own texture, their own flavor, a different way to produce and consume it. No two forms of cheese are the same and I plan on trying them all."
>"And some is currently in the vault?"
>"Yup," Anon nods his head with his teeth showing.
>"Wouldn't they have spoiled by now?"
>"Unfortunately, yes. That's why I plan on removing and replacing them with more cheese. I can't run out of snacks while I visit you two."
>"If I were to guess. You must like cheese. Do you not?" She faces Anon showing a big smirk.
>"Like it? I love cheese. I would do anything for it. Price and consequence are not an issue when it comes to me getting my cheese fix."
>"What if I told you that there was a type of cheese that was out of this world. Literally and figuratively of course."
>Anonymous hugs the princess forcing her to squeak.
>"Please tell me about this cheese."
>"I don't know what your moon was composed of on Earth, but in Equestria, ours is made from cheese."
>Anonymous breaks his embrace to match his eyes to hers.
>"How do I get there? Tell me!"
>"You will need magic, but—"
>"Then what are you waiting for, do it already. Send me to the moon," he says, flicking her in the horn.
>"Stop! Stop that! I am unable to do so. My sister is the only one capable of doing such. Why don't you ask her? Though I wouldn't recommend speaking of the cheese to her. She may try to harbor it all for herself."
>He dashes off to the throne room with Luna walking behind.
>"Maybe victory will be mine this evening," she chuckles to herself.
 
>Anonymous begins to punch and kick at the door, his sole weakness.
>"Open dammit," he backs away from the door to scratch the ground with his foot. "Charge!"
>The two guards standing beside the door ignored his antics, keeping formation. Awaiting the aid of one of the princesses, they continue to stand at attention.
>Luna, just arriving at the scene opened the door with her magic, forcing him to crash onto the floor on the other side.
>"I thought so," he raises a fist, face still planted on the floor. "You stupid door, you never had a chance."
>She walks besides him with a hoof over her mouth and the other trying to help him up.
>"What's so funny?" Anonymous crosses his arms. "A fall like that could kill someone."
>"Nothing, but it appears that my sister is currently conversing with some ponies," she snickers. "We should yield the question until our shift exchange."
>"No way in Tartarus I am waiting. This is a matter of most importance. Sunbutt!" He charges from the other end of the hall. "We need to talk."
>Princess Celestia stops midsentence in her conference with the ponies before her. The hairs on her back prick up as she changes focus to the emerging figure before her.
>"Why Anonymous, can't this wait until later," she says with a smile, trying to avoid eye contact with him. "I am talking with some very important ponies right now."
>"Oh sorry. I got ya," he gives her a thumbs up, pushing the delegates outside the throne.
>The delegates mumble something aggressive to him before they leave.
>"Sorry," she shouts to her guests. "We will talk tomorrow morning first thing."
>"Alright," grinning he places his hands on both sides of his waist. "Let's talk."
>Closing her eyes, she shakes her head and rested it on her forelimbs.
>Another set of footsteps reveals her sisters presence as she glances up.
>"Sister, you are early for court day," focusing her eyes towards her sister, she points to Anon. "Mind telling me what he is doing with you."
>Anonymous waves a hand to the air.
>"Hey I am still here. Don't ignore me. I said we have to talk Sunbutt. Sunbutt?"
>"Wait sister, let him speak. You will find it quite amusing," Luna, looked away from her sister, continuing to keep her mouth covered as her head bobbed backwards.
>"We will talk about this later Luna," she glares at her sister. "I cannot have him barging in, treating delegates with such disrespect. Now Anonymous, what might be so important that you felt the need to chase out our Saddle Arabian delegates?"
>In a rapid motion he points to Princess Celestia.
>"You," he says pointing to himself. "Me moon now."
>"Excuse me?" She tilts her head. "You want to get banished?"
>"Only for an hour."
>"And if you don't mind if I ask. Why do you want to get banished for an hour?"
>"Now I know you will miss me," he says turning away from Princess Celestia crossing his arms behind his back. "But it is very important I get to the moon right now."
>"As much as I would love sending you to the moon," closing her eyes, she looks to the floor and rubs her temple. "I cannot even trust you to be alone in the castle. There is no way I will let you anywhere near our planet's satellite."
>Anonymous turns around again to face Princess Celestia with arms crossed.
>"You know, this is how villains are born."
>"Don't even think about it."
>"Then send me to the damn moon already. I mean seriously, I can't do that much damage on an isolated rock."
>"What if I offered you some cake from the kitchen? Would that make you happy?"
>"Fine," he slouches his posture and drags towards the exit. "But I will be on the moon in the near future. That much I can assure you."
>"Whatever Anonymous. You can have some cake, but you will go home right after that. You understand?"
>Princess Celestia shakes her head, turning to her sister.
>"I really don't know what you told him, but we are going to discuss this in the morning."
>"Why not banish him?" Luna shrugs. "You are aware that he will only persist in his endeavours."
>"Luna, we cannot encourage his behavior."
>"I understand," she says with a teeth showing smile. "Good luck sister, you may need it."
>Celestia responds with a grunt as she exits the hall.
 
>"Anonymous where are you?"
>"You're right Sunbutt this cake is delicious."
>Walking into the kitchen, she observes him above the counter with nothing else disturbed. She released a deep breath and unruffled her feathers at this rare sight.
>Anonymous never displays himself in a civilized manner.
>She anticipated an attempt to destroy the kitchen, using the cake to decorate the counter tops as an endeavor towards banishment.
>Maybe the offer of cake placed him in a good mood.
>"So what did you pick?"
>"I don't know I just randomly grabbed. I think this is marble cake though," finishing his slice, he hops off the counter and opened the door to the cooler. "Here let me get you a slice."
>"That is not necessary Anon. I am quite capab—"
>"Ah ah ah, you are a princess and should be treated as such. Now here comes dessert," he says from within the cooler. “What do you say?"
>"Thank you," she licks her lips.
>"That's what I like to hear."
>Anonymous walks out with half a marble cake and carries towards her.
>Before he manages to reach the princess, he tosses the cake and falls to the floor.
>Without enough time to react, she becomes covered with clumps of delicious confectioneries.
>"Sorry, I tripped," he scratches the back of his head. "Here let me go get you another."
>Anonymous zips back to get more cake, not allowing the princess time to respond.
>Hearing a crash come from within the cooler, she clusters her wings to her body.
>"Are you alright in there?" Princess Celestia shaking the mess off of her coat, chases after him to be met with disaster.
>All the cake now plastered the insides the cooler, frosting painted the floors, and Anon, in the center of the destruction.
>Princess Celestia's pupils dilated, her heart raced.
>She was unable to do anything but stand there with her mouth wide open, staring at the remnants of the dessert massacre.
>The chefs are unable to create her cakes except once a week.
>She could not buy a cake outside the castle as she preferred to not show any favor over one pony or another.
>As she stood there, Anonymous scraped some cake off his clothes and walked to the back of the cooler.
>"Oh look. I found another cake. Hey Tia, this cake has a name. Solar Surprise, must be a very special."
>Shaking her head, she dashed for Anon.
>The Solar Surprise, the last cake remaining in the cooler.
>A seven foot tall triple decker cake created just in case of an emergency.
>An irreplaceable dessert, created with the highest quality of imported ingredients.
>If she doesn't save it from him, she will never get a chance to enjoy it and she will have to go without cake for a week.
>"Get away from that. If you don't I will—"
>"You will what," Anon begins to tip the Solar Surprise. "Send me to the moon?"
>"You monster. You did this all on purpose didn't you?"
>"What me?" he points a thumb to himself. "Why I would never. Why the implications of such a thing. Do I look like a man who would do that?"
>"Yes! Didn't you learn your lesson about holding things people love hostage? Remember what happened when you tried this to one of Twilight Sparkles friends, Apple Jack?"
>Anonymous nods his head up and down. "I was hospitalized for a week, but it was so worth it. Too bad I couldn't make her lie and say pears were better than apples though. But I know you won't beat me up, so what I do have to fear?"
>"I could send you to Tartarus..." Celestia mumbles, cringing at her own recommendation.
>"Maybe, but you know I will just get out within a day without even trying."
>"There is only one way to stop me," he places two hands beneath the cake, tilting it.
>"No!" she shouts, firing a beam to anonymous.
>"I win," he says before disappearing in a bright light.
>Princess Celestia walks up to her prize and glides her hoof over the cake, sampling some frosting.
>"Unharmed, what a relief. I change my mind, your prank just cost me a week's worth of cake. Now explain sister, what did you tell him to make him act this way?"
>Luna walks from the shadows, waving to her sister as she tumbled to the floor. All her limbs in the air, she released quick breaths before laughing.
>"He made it seem that he was a guru of cheese. I simply told him that the moon was made of the item of his expertise. I did not think he would press so hard to get banished."
>"Sister, I am going to bed. You should probably go back to the throne and attend to your night court."
>"Awww, but Tia, it is so boring. Nopony ever visits during the night. They await your presence during day hours."
>"I am tired. I am going to bed and I will not have any of your protests," she sighs to herself. "I swear, with how often the two of you fight, I would think you two have a thing for each other. Now goodnight."
>Luna scrunches her face as they leave the cooler.
>"Tis a lie, I would never fall for that brute."
>"Whatever, good night sister."
>Luna preferred her sister to not make such implications.
>At least she managed to get Anon stuck on the moon for some time.
>A victory for herself if she doesn't say so herself.
 
>Anonymous meanders around the moon, scanning for his prize. Blowing dust from the floor and looking under every rocky outcrop yielded no results.
>Peering through the horizon revealed the same scenery of stone and dirt, which tasted nothing like what Luna described.
>Scanning around him he realizes what happened.
>"Damn it! She tricked me," he picks up a rock and throws it towards the nearby planet. With heavy footsteps he begins to walk around the moon collecting any rocks to throw to Equestria, hoping at least one will hit Luna. "I will get you back for this you whorse."
>Anonymous formed a large pile next to him, but before he could lob them at the planet in front of him, he let out a big grin.
>Resting some rocks in his arm, he orders them to a coordinated pattern.
>"I bet she will love this," he says after he completes his piece of work. "Now when is Sunbutt going to get me off this planet?"
>He scratches his chin as he sits cross-legged on the floor. He inspects the planet in the horizon, hoping for a magic veil to surround and take him home.
>A few minutes pass and Anon closes his eyes as he slumps forwards.
>He falls over from his position as his snoring echoes across the moon.
>"Vengeance is mine," he mumbles to himself as he hugs a nearby stone. "Get fucked Luna."
 
>It has been a long time since Princess Celestia acquired a quiet night of sleep.
>Anonymous would visit the castle during the night to harass Luna.
>Some evenings, Celestia would have to come into the picture to alleviate the situation.
>But for some strange reason or another, he has not assembled any attacks this evening.
>A peculiar occurrence indeed.
>She either missed or forgotten something.
>Analyzing her day she recognizes her mistake.
>"Oh no! I left him on the moon," she removes her eye mask and slides of the bed. "Though I could leave him there, but then again what if he manages to find a way back."
>The thought makes her feathers tighten around her body as she tries to shake off the thought.
>"It might be safer for the universe if he was here."
>Her horn turns yellow as she points to the floor nearby. A bright light materializes to be replaced by a green man.
>Curled in his sleep, the man stretches out on the ground and lets out a yawn.
>Anonymous walked up to the princess and pinched her checks together.
>"You forgot about me on the moon, didn't you Sunbutt?"
>"Does it matter?" she magics away his hands and walked back to her bed. “You are back here now."
>"You do realize that I have full right in becoming a villain now. I can get vengeance for being sent to the moon," he says grabbing the Princess's blankets to wrap them around his neck.
>She lets out a sigh, replacing her eye mask back on her face.
>"It's already been done."
>"What!" Anonymous throws his newfound cape back to the princess. Capturing it with her magic, she uses it to tuck herself in.
>"How in the world did someone else steal my idea already?"
>"Luna, a couple of years ago, after getting banished for a thousand years," she rolls over her side. "Good night Anon."
>"That whorse, always stealing my plans. I am going to get her back soon enough. She will pay," he slams a fist into his hand before looking at the princess.
>"Which reminds me, I said to be on the moon for only an hour. And how long was I there? The whole evening! I think I should deal with you first."
>"You destroyed a week’s worth of my cake. I would say we are even. Now goodnight Anon."
>"Well excuse me princess, you can have your beauty sleep then. Not like it will do anything for you, but I will let you have it. There is a much more hotter sister that needs to be dealt with."
>Anonymous walks out the room, swaying his hips and placing a hand to his side while twirling the other in the air.
>Hearing a loud bang from her door, Princess Celestia lets out a sigh and eases into her bed.
>"I thought he would never leave," she says allowing her mind to merge with her sister's night.
>The rest of the evening continued in an eerie silence.
>For someone that wanted revenge, Anonymous failed to create a big enough ruckus. He never takes the option of passivity.
>Anonymous's counter attack will commence soon, if it hasn’t already.
 
>"Tis a lie," a shout is heard from the end of the hall. "The moon contains no cheese. I gave you false information to trick you into banishment."
>"Then explain this moon whorse."
>Celestia walks to the throne to relieve her sister and notices Anon containing an armful of cheese and Luna pointing a hoof in his direction.
>"Ever seen cheese like this," he chucks a piece at Luna. "Ever seen grey cheese?"
>"It has been colored. I've been on the moon for a millennia and saw no such thing."
>Princess Celestia glides in between the two, wings outspread.
>"What are you two doing this time?"
>"He lies!" Luna continues to point a hoof to Anon. "He says he found more than mere rocks. He won't admit where he truly received it from."
>"Oh I am the liar," he crosses his arms while facing away. "You’re just jealous that you spent a thousand years on the moon and never found it. All that time without cheese. You must have had been miserable."
>"The moon is comprised of only rock and dust," she stomps both her front hooves onto the floor. "I made it up you beast."
>"Why don't you go there and check then," he faces her and sticks his tongue out. "Maybe you will find the treasure as well."
>"Sister, please send me to the moon," she scowls to Anonymous. "I will prove to him of his treachery."
>Princess Celestia's horn glows as she stares to the ceiling.
>"If I send you there, I won't bring you back until your shift. Are you sure you really want this? You do realize that you are letting him get to you, right?"
"I don't care!" Luna grinds her teeth. "I will prove his deceit."
"Fine sister," Celestia's horn glows white. "See you in the evening."
Luna disappears in a flash of light as Anon begins to grin to himself.
>Celestia takes notice of him waving goodbye and glanced towards him.
>"You didn't find anything on the moon. Did you? You used magic to change the cheese so that she would ask to get sent there."
>"Yup," he nods his head. "Serves her right I say."
>"If I were you," she turns away from him and walks to her chair. "I would not sleep for the next few weeks."
>"Wait what!"
>"I know you well enough that you left her a present on the moon. I don't know what it was and I don't care. But whatever it is, she is going to try to get you back. Don't forget she can get into another's dreams. I hope you have fun Anonymous."
>From her throne she waves to him, surrounding him in a yellow light.
>"W—wait, you are going to put a magical shield to protect me right? Right Tia?"
>"I'd rather not get involved. I am simply sending you back home, but take care now."
>She waves one last goodbye before Anonymous disappears.
 
>Luna squints around to notice a strange mass in the horizon.
>"What is this? Words?" She reads the rock formation before her. "'Serves you right Moonbutt. Fuck you!' That ape!" She flares her nostrils as she attempts to break the ground beneath her. >"I am going to give him a nightmare he will never forget."
>Luna magics the mass of rock to the planet, praying at least one will hit Anon.
>Incapable of escaping the moon with her own power, she installs herself on a boulder and ploys for the upcoming evening.
>She will overcome Anon sooner or later.