Title:           Suffocation
Author:          Renabu
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/EedV8fcK
First Edit:      Monday 16th of May 2016 05:27:11 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 16th of May 2016 05:27:11 PM CDT

Blue(POV)
 
 
 
Luncheon
 
The ceilings were high
The walls were far
A large crowd of people
An evening gathering.
 
My collar was tight.
Barding itchy
Dad said I looked fine
I felt empty.
 
Nice atmosphere
Nice food
Nice interactions
Nice evening to be aching.
 
Father let me attend
Mother let brother attend
We all met up once
I was choked up.
 
Mother was happy
Father was happier
Both were confident
Only brother and I were shocked.
 
-
Reveal
 
Midnight at home
All lights on
Shouting throughout the house
Brother and I were quiet.
 
Mother and father disagreed
Half support, half denial
Neither would approve
So brother and I were quiet.
 
"They can't do this to each other"
"They don't talk to women"
"You can't love your sibling like this"
So we were quiet.
 
We were scared
Neither would hear us
Or believe the cutie marks
So brother and I were quiet.
 
We supported each other
Protected each other
Loved each other
But we were quiet.
 
We kept it secret
Until this night happened
They found us in bed, in love
Brother and I were quiet.
 
-
No
 
They separated us
They shunned our love
We were sick
But I loved him.
 
Family members said no
Friends said no
Doctors said no
But I loved him.
 
I spoke to mares, as asked
I kissed mares, as asked
I avoided stallions, as asked
But I loved him.
 
I missed him
I missed my friend
I missed my support
I missed my lover
 
There was no brother
No visiting my only sibling
No confiding in that one male
No love to be found in anything I knew.
-
Aching
 
Years soon passed
There was no change
I never felt love
I forgot his face.
 
Dad was persistent
He scolded me
Said I was still sick
Forced me to have few males as friends.
 
My cutie mark was red
My body was blue
He was the opposite
And he was perfect.
 
It hurt so bad
I longed for his touch
I cried at night
Dad said it was wrong.
 
He said I would get over it
He said a female was right for me
He said males aren't meant to love each other
He said nothing to me that would ever make me believe it.
 
-
End
 
Dad gave me a letter
I didn't open it
It stayed in my room
Tossed on the floor.
 
Five days passed
The letter stayed
I cried every night
Nothing felt important.
 
Thoughts of release
Thoughts of loss
Thoughts of eternity
Thoughts of that letter.
 
Dad left for the day
Release, that was all I needed
I would never ache again, on this day
But first, that letter.
 
-
Hope
 
"Please"
"I miss you"
"I need you"
"I want you"
 
"I miss my friend"
"I miss my support"
"I miss my lover"
"I miss my brother"
 
"Mother doesn't like this"
"Father doesn't like this"
"No one supports this"
"I can't live without this"
 
"Please"
"Write me back"
"I need you"
"I need you."
 
"Please"
"It hurts"
"I don't want to live"
"Without you"
 
"On the back of this"
"Hotel event"
"If you get this"
"Please"
 
"I need you"
"I need you"
"I need you"
"I need you..."
 
I begged father to attend
Told him I missed mother
He missed her too
But he knew it meant meeting my brother again.
 
He questioned my motives
He asked if I would speak to him
And of course I said no
He said he would bring me then.
 
"You will stay by my side"
"You will not touch him"
"You won't speak to him"
"He is your brother and nothing more."
-
 
Meeting up
 
His face
His body
His shape
His cutie mark.
 
We said no words
We couldn't say anything
Mother and father spoke
We locked eyes.
 
No words would be spoken
Nothing could be.
It had been too long
But I knew he wanted many things.
 
I wanted to hold him
Cry on his shoulder
Tell him I loved him
But it would be the last time of I did.
 
He knew, though
How badly I wanted him
How tempted I was
How much it hurt.
 
For now, we would endure
Mother and father would speak
We couldn't risk losing control
It had only been a moment, but it felt like years more.
-
 
Space
 
Mother nuzzled me
Father pat his head
Mother was at my ear
Brother met my father's gaze.
 
Mother said something
Father said something
Both were catching up with us
But my eyes caught up with just him.
 
His mane was crimson
Slightly untamed, like him
I wanted to know his scent
Wanted that texture under my hooves.
 
His body was lighter
He looked fit, and gentle
I needed to touch it
Needed it pressed against me.
 
His cutie mark was there
It still had my blue color
That confirmation
Missed having what completed me.
 
"I've been OK."
His voice
I loved his soft tone
Loved the sound of his words at my ear.
 
It would happen, soon
We'd be alone
We would love again
"But first, let's eat. Then talk." The parents said.
-
Dinner
 
The table was wide, yet short
It felt like a bridge
Several others seated with us
Parents at our sides
 
The food was good, but it was him and I now.
Unity beckoning me across
My eyes slowly crept on him
His eyes were sensual.
 
He ate slowly
I did too
Others spoke to us
I saw his tongue.
 
Mother asked how things were
Father vaguely answered
She was worried at that
Brother stared at me.
 
Father went on about something
Mother started to smile
Father laughed
He shifted in his seat slowly.
 
His hoof touched my leg
My heart jumped
"Have you been OK at your father's?"
I hesitated. "Yes, Ma."
 
I lowered my head, tried to eat
My body was hot, and I felt him
My thigh, my lap
Pressure.
 
He insisted
I shook my head
He bore down on me
I wanted to jump him.
 
Dinner was ending
His touch left me
Another thump in my chest
Soon, soon.
 
We said goodnight
Mother hugged me
Father went to hug him
Brother stared at me again.
 
Pounding in my chest
It was risky, but it was on
Tonight, when it was safe
He would come for me.
 
-
Sleep
 
I struggled to stay awake
Darkness in the bedroom
Father knocked out nearby
My chest was still pounding.
 
My warmth was here
After so many years
And he was so bold
I wanted him so badly.
 
No words, but I had so much to say
We couldn't speak yet
But his body, his hooves
Mine would get to reply soon.
 
Why like this, though
Why did we have to hide it
Why couldn't I express this in public
Why did we have to take these risks?
 
I just wanted to hold him
Wanted to say hi
Wanted to confide in him
Wanted to love him again.
 
He was the only one
He accepted me
He said yes when they said no
And it was wrong to trust that?
 
He could see right through me
I couldn't be happier with it
Still knew I missed him
He knew this couldn't go on any longer.
 
I could feel his warmth already
Wrapping around me
After all this time apart
Feeling so safe.
 
He was whispering to me
His voice felt so clear
It was getting quieter
My eyes felt heavy.
 
Finally started to calm myself
Things felt OK
Things were getting dark
And then a quite knock.
 
My eyes shot open
Almost cursed my tired body
Father was still asleep
The time had finally come.
 
The knocking continued
I snuck over to the door
Cracked it and light blinded me
Then it was dark again.
 
He silently called me
His voice was inches away
My heart stopped
Nothing but Love and I right now.
 
I felt him push the door
Warmth brushed my nose
And then his lips
I froze up.
 
So eager
So warm
And it's right here
Please, don't stop.
 
But he did
It felt cold again
He asked me to come
He didn't need to ask me anything.
-
 
Red(POV)
 
Walking in the hallway
My lover at my side again.
He practically melted at the kiss
But I couldn't wait to see him either.
 
I was speechless
Memories came crashing in
That time with him
As though it had been the last.
 
--
I couldn't say anything
We were finished, for sure
This would be the last time
I would never hold him again.
 
It was my fault
I was curious with him
He warned me that night
But I loved him too much
 
"Just for a minute"
"I want to, but..."
"Aren't you curious too?"
"I am."
 
"I love you"
"I love you so much"
"One kiss"
We knew it wouldn't be one kiss.
 
"You're..."
"Brother"
"Please, more"
"It's so hot in here"
 
"Please"
"I love you"
"I love you too"
And then the door opened.
 
I loved him so much
He loved me too
The parents would have none of it
They wouldn't let me see him again.
 
So many years
The heartache was rooted in
The feeling of stupidity too
But mother told me it was OK.
 
Mother tried to reason with me
Saying love like that wasn't real
And I was still 'sick'
Sick of being told my love was a lie.
 
That night saw our marks take form
We knew what it meant
And it was so right
We would never be different.
 
There would never be any other
Who made me smile like him
Who protected me like him
Who clicked with me like him.
 
But they were determined
Forced us to try
To find a female
To grow apart.
 
It could never work
I wept for him
And I didn't know how
How I could go on much longer.
-
Once more
 
I needed him
I needed companionship
He was my only goal
And I didn't have any options.
 
It was impossible
It would never happen
And if it wouldn't happen
It would keep hurting.
 
I snuck out at night
Walked the town
Cried alone
Considered my own closure.
 
I passed the hotel once
Caught a poster, an event
The only possible way
I could meet him here
 
It was the only option left
The pain could be eased
At least for now
Needed to get back home.
 
I wrote a letter
I broke down
The words were coming out
The hope of seeing him again drove me.
 
I sent it secretly
Said nothing to mother
Days slowly passed
I fought to hold on for a response.
 
I imagined seeing him again
His gentle blue fur against mine
His darker mane at my touch
His warmth wrapping around me.
 
I would take him away
Kiss him again
Love him again
But guarantee our safety.
 
We wouldn't be caught
We would be happy again
No more worries
Free to love, if just for a moment.
 
A moment to hold him
A moment to talk
A moment to cry
A moment to cling.
 
No more tears
No more disapproval
No more doubts
No more pain.
 
Finally, mother spoke to me
She worried about brother
I said I wouldn't speak to him
She smiled, thinking I was 'improving.'
 
Meeting up 2
 
I wanted to kiss him
Watched mother nuzzle him
My chest ached at the sight
I wanted the scent of his mane.
 
Father pet my head
He smiled to me
Looked happy to see me
I smiled, but couldn't care less.
 
Brother was as nervous as I
Choked up before dinner
Watching me
Until I spoke to father.
 
"I've been OK." I lied
I was heartbroken
I had no happiness
And then it was back, finally.
 
It was wanting me near
Begging to close the gap
Literally steps away
And that would be closed, soon.
–
 
“I missed you.”
“It's been years.”
“It still hurts.”
“That's why we're here now.”
 
“That letter you sent me...”
“I'm sorry it took so long.”
“I almost gave up.”
“I almost did too.”
 
“I almost...”
“It's OK.”
“I thought I'd never see you again.”
“Same here.”
 
The halls were empty
It was very late
He was sleepy, hooves dragging
He leaned on me the whole time.
 
We stopped for a moment
I nuzzled him
He pressed into my neck
He smiled for me.
 
“You look handsome.”
“You look nervous.”
“I am. This is risky.”
“I know. I'm sorry for doing this again.”
 
“I didn't want it to stop last time.”
“Neither did I.”
“It's the same feeling now.”
“You're scared?”
 
“What if they catch us again?”
“They won't.”
“Are you sure?”
“If they do, we're leaving together.”
 
Wouldn't let him be taken again
It felt like torture
And now to have him again
At the risk of losing him again.
 
I wouldn't let that happen twice
Did not care what anyone would say
We were meant to stay together
He would know it soon.
 
–
 
Tears(Blue)
 
It felt like I was asleep
My hooves were heavy
I knew he could see it
He wrapped a forelimb around me.
 
He whispered to me
It faded in and out
But he was so warm
And his voice so soothing.
 
It could have been a dream
Hopefully I'd never wake up
His warmth squeezed around me
His lips pressed to mine.
 
It was difficult to focus
He was being so forward
Felt my lips part
He was there.
 
My eyes shut
He coaxed me along
He reassured me
I wanted every bit of this.
 
The light of the halls dimmed
He was pushing me now
I landed on something soft
Heard a soft creak.
 
He was there once more
I could barely see his face
But he was very much there
Talking to me, his eyes roaming.
 
That dark form hovered over me
My face felt wet
He brushed my cheek
“No more tears.”
 
Then he turned me over
Lifted my body
Breathing at the back of my head
Loving me.
 
“We'll be together.”
Gentle creaking
“Never leaving you again.”
“I love you.”
 
He spoke to me
Made promises
Clung to me
I was barely awake.
 
“No more crying.”
“We'll stay in touch.”
“Get better.”
“Then see each other.”
 
“We'll move out.”
“Come together.”
He kept talking
Moaning in my ear.
 
I felt hot for a moment
And then a cushion hit my face
Weight pressing down on me
Warmth, love.
 
“I love you.”
“I love you so much.”
He kept repeating it.
Things were getting dark.
 
I heard his voice, felt his petting
And then black.
It was daytime
Back in bed next to father.
 
I shot up
Looked around the room
Brother wasn't there
But there was a letter on my lap.