"The Stars in the Sky Tabi Summary: Shizuma thinks back to"
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Created on: Wednesday 20th of July 2016 08:21:44 PM CDT
Retrieved on: Saturday 31 of October 2020 03:31:37 AM UTC


The Stars in the Sky
Tabi

Summary:

Shizuma thinks back to when she first decided to run as Etoile, back to when she knew Kaori. Even then their time was limited, but Kaori only ever seemed optimistic...
Notes:

Spoilers for the anime.
Work Text:

Kaori held a smile for me so easily, and yet... the further I gazed upon it, the less I felt I could understand.

Perhaps neither of us understood. Perhaps, looking back on it, there wasn't anything to understand... these hearts that were innocent, we were too naive to even realise that. For us, there wasn't a question between one and the other... to us, what was there that changed somebody from being innocent to being learned? We walked a path together yet walked it blindly, holding each other's hand as we went.

It took her a while to say anything. I remember that evening when Miyuki told me of them alone, how Kaori had been happy to meet me... of course, she'd said that to me before, she'd said it many times before - she seemed so happy to do anything at all. Because it was her and because it was with us - or with me - she was pleased. For me who became bored with things easily (usually to Miyuki's chagrin), Kaori's genuine exuberance was refreshing to see. Anything held a sense of reverence, whether it was stargazing or merely eating lunch. Any one of those things could be done at any time, but... when they were accompanied by Kaori's smile, those events became recorded to my heart.

Perhaps it was something Kaori found difficult to say, or embarrassing... Miyuki had looked almost troubled as she'd told me Kaori's words.

"... Before I came here I was weak, barely able to walk out of my room. Before I came to Miatre, I didn't seem to exist in any part of this world... I wasn't alive. Living here... seems to have freed me from that world. Thank you. For allowing me to meet Shizuma."

Kaori never cried, yet she always seemed aware of these things. She would casually talk beyond her projected lifespan, "I probably won't be around then..." and other such things... at first it was easy to pass those things off like a bad dream, some far-off threat that held no promise of fruition... and yet as I fell further, these words became harsher. Said in her sweet tone, they felt like a weight within me. How did it feel for her? She said that she felt like, before coming to Miatre, she hadn't felt alive. Perhaps, rather than dread any future threat, she wished only to revel in the present moment and to feel gratitude for her happiness... at first, that was easy for me, also.

I understood her. I felt that we were alike in more ways than perhaps she realised. For her, life began on entering Miatre. For me, my life began when I met her, when she first turned her head to look on me with those beautiful eyes... that was where it began. That was when I began to live.

We shared a beginning and we shared an end. On the same day, we both stopped living.

As the Etoile elections approached, we became aware of our limited time together. Kaori would speak of it matter-of-factly, even when she was bedridden and so ill she could barely move. These days came and went, at first. One day would be spent in bed for the pain, another for recuperation, the next she would be back to her classes, though carefully watched. She would seem back to normal, for those times. Then she would fall ill again. Those days became more and more frequent as the year wore on.

She smiled when we wrote her name down for the Etoile election.

"Etoile..."

"Kaori?"

The only sound in the room had been the scratching of the pen against the paper as Kaori had slowly and delicately written her name in romaji. She sounded out each syllable of the word as she spoke it, ending in a smile and a glance towards me, holding the pen out to me. I took it and clicked the lid back on it as I questioned her.

"I... didn't make a mistake, did I...?"

"You know you didn't. The given name goes first like this, doesn't it? And Kaori's handwriting is perfect..."

Her smile didn't lessen. There seemed to be a vague uncertainty that at least hovered in my mind, though whether it was present in hers is an unanswerable question. Perhaps the mistake she spoke of wasn't simply one of lettering or calligraphy skill... even Miyuki had been angry at first, not understanding our reason or purpose for running as Etoile together. Kaori was weak, she said. Kaori's health was failing, she said. We knew this. We knew this, and yet we continued. We all knew that perhaps even by the time of the election it would be too late but hadn't Miyuki's original objective been for Kaori to experience as wonderful a school life as it was possible to lead? The position of Etoile was one admired and respected across the three schools; it was a difficult job that few envied though many adored - what better than to give her that admiration? We knew that the actual work demanded of the Etoile position would have been too much for her. We knew she wouldn't have to cope with that side of the responsibility. To become the Etoile, I only wanted her by my side. That was all.

"... It means 'star' in French, doesn't it...?"

"It does."

She cast a glance to the window in reference, despite it being too early for what she sought.

"We become the 'stars'... then..."

I looked up too despite myself, smiling and pressing my hand over hers. "It works in English, too."

"It does?"

"Haven't you heard it, when they say 'film star' or 'starring role'...?As Etoile, we can take the 'starring role' of Astraea's stage. Right?"

"Shizuma is amazing, knowing that kind of thing..."

At that time, we laughed. I remember feeling such relief, then. That morning Miyuki and I had gone to visit her, the day before having been another difficult one... that morning, Kaori hadn't been able to sit up to greet us. She hadn't cried, yet she'd barely smiled. We both had duties and responsibilities and Miyuki couldn't shirk hers, but in favour of Kaori I didn't see classes as being that important. She had improved through the day even as I'd watched her, but it felt so wonderful to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to be able to laugh alongside her... she was sitting up and speaking happily, she'd been able to hold the pen and had been able to write her name as perfectly as anybody could manage.

Like that, I couldn't resist her. The illness seemed an endless backdrop but moments like those were hope in darkness, where Kaori was just Kaori and we were together and nothing else mattered. Her laughter was silenced by my lips on hers and nothing more than that. We never knew quite what we were doing, but we did it anyway. If Miyuki had been in the room she would have chided us, told me off for doing something so foolhardy when Kaori was so weak... but moments like those were enough to pretend and Kaori yielded easily enough to my touch. Nothing about her body had changed. She had always been slim and pale and yet this seemed to give her an ethereal quality, especially in the darkness... almost unearthly, as if she was some kind of being that didn't belong on this world. Something that, to this point, had never fitted in. Something that, soon, would be leaving. I would keep her by my side for as long as I was able to.

The Etoile application form lay almost forgotten to the side as we lay in the darkness. Her nightshirt lay half-unbuttoned across her chest as I traced my fingers down her neck, let my touch ghost over her skin. My heartbeat felt like the loudest thing until I could feel her own beneath my fingertips and her breathless whisper reached my ears, "Shizuma... Shizuma--...!"

To me, she felt healthy. I couldn't see without light but I knew her cheeks were stained by a flush of emotion, knew that a light touch would draw a gasp from her lips and a deeper one would draw a nervous moan... that was how it had been and that was how it was. Her skin was smooth and it was warm, her fingers curled around mine on the hand that pressed into the pillows. Feeling the pressure of her fingers against mine, it seemed like the idea of her being ill was nothing but a nasty lie; she was just a normal girl, surely? She was a girl who laughed and smiled and felt pain and pleasure just like anybody else did...

Her leg shifting involuntarily against me caused her name to fall from me like a sigh, "Kaori... oh--..."

And yet, I was unimportant. It would have been impossible to not have been moved by such a situation, but I didn't care about my own feelings. Kaori's gasp caused a tremble and her hold caused a shudder but all I wanted was her pleasure, whatever pleasure it was that I could grant her. There was nothing outside that moment - no illness, no responsibility, no Miyuki, no Etoile, no Astraea, nothing. Just her and I as two girls who were lost in each other's feeling, myself overtaken by the need to take her further and she overwhelmed in turn by this desire. Her whole body seemed to writhe against mine as I settled my hand between her thighs and she would have jolted upright had my own body not been there to stop her as I touched my fingers further... smooth warm skin changed to slick heat beneath my touch, though her arousal had been apparent even as I'd stroked up her soft inner thighs... for another person there might have been a dark comment, but for her there was nothing of the sort. Even like this, we were innocent. Even as both of her hands were clasped firmly over my shoulders, as I slid my fingers into her and myself repeatedly as if possessed, we were still blissfully ignorant of anything outside of ourselves.

As we lay together afterward, time seemed to have no meaning. I only felt aware of what time it might have been as I felt Kaori's head move against mine to look once more up at the window; I turned my head alongside her, it seemed that the stars were now beginning to show. I was surprised Miyuki hadn't come looking for me already. Still, by that time, I think she'd learnt that if it got to be that late, it probably wasn't worth disturbing us both for her dignity and my own, nevermind Kaori.

"... Stars..."

Her voice seemed tiny in the darkness of the room. I didn't respond, barely conscious to the fact that she'd spoken at all. She continued.

"... That first time... I remember the stars..."

"... Oh?... I... I remember the moon..."

"And the stars..."

This thought - that memory - seemed to amuse her somewhat. Her frail body shook with gentle laughter, "I get to become a 'star' with Shizuma..."

I nodded against her, "Yes..."

Again, she spoke with such unwavering optimism that it almost made me cry to hear it, "... When I die, I'll become a star. Will you promise to look for me when I do?"

"... Kaori..."

"With Shizuma... we'll both be stars. Shizuma will be the star of Miatre- no, of all of Astraea... Shizuma will be able to shine for everybody. I... I'll become a star in the sky, and I can be Shizuma's star. I'll always shine, if it's for you..."

She seemed tired, barely aware of what she was saying.

"... I want to always be able to shine... in Shizuma's heart..."

I stayed still for a long time after that, even once her grip on my shoulders softened and her arms fell from around me to the bed, her breathing soft and her eyes closed. I refused to even entertain the thought that there was any possibility that she wouldn't be able to fulfil such a wish, that I would ever want to deny it... of course she would always shine in my heart, be that star, my star... who else could there be if not her? I couldn't think that there would be anybody else and I didn't want there to be anybody else. If I had to carry Kaori's memory with me forever then I would do it, because... just as I couldn't imagine anybody else in my heart... if I didn't do such a thing, then who else would? Nobody else had known her like I had, nobody else really knew her...

I hadn't said anything at the time, but I kept my promise afterward. As winter turned to spring, it felt as though I'd lost the ability to be aware of such a thing. Cycles, changes, time progressing... that all ceased for me when Kaori stopped. Yet I would still look towards the sky and fancy that, whichever one shone brightest, that was her. That was Kaori, shining for me. In turn, I became Astraea's Etoile... and indeed I seemed the brightest object for many of those girls, but I felt distanced from it.

Nobody else had really known her... and I couldn't help but worry, now that she was gone... who would know me? So much of myself had felt concerned with her that once she disappeared, perhaps there wasn't really a 'me' to know any longer... and yet Miyuki, loyal as ever, stood beside me. Sometimes I wondered why I hadn't let myself fall in love with such a girl, or even Miyuki herself... so loyal and dedicated and concerned, I think it would have been wrong to say that I didn't love Miyuki - as far as I could express such things I think that I did, that I do, but... the difference between my feelings for Miyuki and my feelings for Kaori was not one I felt that I understood. A lot of the time I felt at a loss as to whether I could really feel at all.

Time seems to run out in so many different ways. Come March, I will graduate from Miatre and no longer be a student of Astraea. The Etoile elections will take care of my replacement and I will be forced to move on. I feel as if it is all that I can be to be stuck in the past, yet I have to move on. What will I become once I am no longer Astraea's 'star'?

Perhaps the only thing I can be certain of at all is that, somewhere, Kaori still shines for me. In my heart and in the sky, there will always be somewhere I reach for when I whisper her name into the silence.

To be stars together...

Kaori...

Return to be Etoile beside me. Or let me shine beside you in the sky. Let me shine beside you. Then neither of us would have to worry of any future ending. Time would have no meaning, as much as it ever did. Those things wouldn't have to bother us any longer and I would no longer have to carry the burden of an entire star's light within my heart. Such a light that shines only for me... now, such a thing only burns me. To say I'm sick of this feeling... I could never grow sick of you, Kaori. I'm only tired. Exhausted. Like you were.

Let me join you. Let's shine together, someday.