"Is this how cat ladies happen?" By dashisbestpone (https://pastebin.com/u/dashisbestpone) URL: https://pastebin.com/UFqzSMJ4 Created on: Sunday 18th of March 2012 03:00:31 AM CDT Retrieved on: Sunday 25 of October 2020 11:45:33 AM UTC >You were just finishing up the most FANTASTIC ensemble ever when a VERY RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE PONY burst through your front door. >You put on your best fake smile. >"Rainbow Dash, how lovely to see you. Can I... help you?" >She's tracking mud everywhere. >There's some horrid beast following behind her. >"And THIS is Rarity. She makes clothes and junk, so she can probably put together something for you." >"While I suppose I could, I do happen to be a little busy at the moment." >"Aw that's fine, he's not going anywhere, right Anon?" >The big... ape... thing nods. >"Not going to move. I'd love to stay right here and watch... Rarity, you said? I'd love to watch Rarity at work. Fashion is a FASCINATING industry." >You crack a smile. Perhaps you shouldn't be quite so quick to judge a book by its cover. >"Oh go right ahead, dear. I was just finishing up and I shan't be more than a few minutes. Really, I just need to select a color for this hem here and I'll be practically done." >"Cerulean." >You aren't facing the creature, but your eyebrow raises. You mentally apply his suggestion and it's... perfect. >Is it hot in here, or is it just you? >You finish your work and turn to face the beast. >His outfit is in tatters. The poor dear, no wonder he wanted new clothing. >"Thank you, er... Anon, was it?" >"Anonymous. Anon for short. Enchante, Mademoiselle." >"Oh, such a gentleman. So, do you work in fashion?" >"I'm afraid not." >"You have quite an eye for color." >Dash backs up toward the door. >"Alright guys, I'm gonna go. Got awesome... stuff. To do. Yeah." >The door closes behind her. >"So I take it you aren't from around here then?" >"Oh no. Not even Equestria, though I must admit I am enjoying it here." >Your stomach makes a very un-ladylike rumble and you titter sheepishly. >"I do apologize. I'm afraid I tend to get caught up in my work and neglect everything else." >"It's not a problem. We all have needs. In fact, I haven't eaten all day." >"What? That simply won't do! Come, let's do something about this." >You lead him into the kitchen and are about to set yourself to cooking something. >"Excuse me?" >"Yes?" >"May I?" >Oh goodness, he cooks too? >"Please, be my guest." >A few minutes later, you're very nearly in heaven. So he doesn't work in fashion? Then he simply MUST be a chef. It's the most exquisite meal you've had in ages. >He looks out the window. You follow suit. >It is rather late. >He looks nervous. >"I don't suppose I could trouble you... for a place to sleep?" >"Why, you've been shown around town by my friends and not one of them has offered you lodging? That cannot stand and I must INSIST you stay here, though I will require you to... ahem... bathe first." >"I understand completely. I am a bit filthy. The trouble, though, is that I haven't a change of clothes." >Now THAT is a tragedy that must not go uncorrected. >"I'll whip something up for you. I can't promise it'll be particularly glamorous on such short notice, but it should be quite serviceable." >He nods happily and you point him to the shower. >You cobble together a pathetic shirt and pants that you wouldn't call anything more impressive than rags, but still they are better than what he was wearing. >You trot over to the shower, still in use, and knock on the door. >"...yes?" >"Anonymous? I'm leaving your new outfit just outside the door here." >"Oh. Thank you very much. I'll be out in just a moment." >You pick up his old scraps, helpfully left hanging on the doorknob, and seal them in your 'to be burned' hamper. >On your way back, he's standing in the hall picking up his new clothes. >He's very naked, and it's strange that that's strange. Why is his unclothed state something to gawk at? >Why are you GAWKING? >You immediately about face and hide your blushing face. >"So sorry." >"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm afraid I used the last of that HEAVENLY shampoo." >By Celestia this creature is incredible. Why can't you find a colt like HIM? >Your body seems to think you already have and now you can't decide which way to face, as either direction is equally embarrassing for different but related reasons. >You opt to turn around again and feel very silly to find he is already back behind the door. >And why wouldn't he be? He recognized the situation and took proper action to correct it. He's speaking politely from the other side. >You have a sudden and intense hatred for your body. >This... this CREATURE may be a perfect gentleman... >Who both cares for and is knowledgeable about fashion... >And by CELESTIA can he cook... >And who happens to have excellent taste in shampoo... >Why are you rationalizing this? You're a pony. He is not. End of discussion. >He steps out, looking rather dashing considering he's wearing such a shoddily assembled outfit. >Your heart flutters a bit. >NO. STOP THAT. >But he's so perfect! >Your hindquarters- >NO. STOP. THAT. >"Ahem. Anonymous?" >"Yes, milady?" >OH MY. PLEASE stop doing this! You can't handle it! >"Would you..." >What are you doing? >"... like to accompany me..." >WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >"... to Canterlot this weekend?" >WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU STUPID SLUT? >He frowns. >"I'm... afraid I can't. My time here is rather limited." >Your heart sinks. WHY IS IT DOING THAT? >"Oh, that's quite alright. Just a friendly offer." >Yeah. Friendly. And Twilight is prettier than you. >And Applejack has the best pokerface you've ever seen. >And Rainbow Dash is straight. >What were you thinking about again? >Right, of course. This hot hunk of- >STOP THAT. >This... fine upstanding fellow is only here temporarily. >So really, that's even better. A long term relationship would be tricky across species, but one wild night of passion? That neither of you would ever speak of? >It's PERFECT. >And also disgusting and wrong and stop it. >You close up the conversation, deciding to turn in for the evening before you make a mistake. >He waltzes into the guest room and you flop morosely onto your bed. >The ONE creature... >No, not quite. The one MALE who's a perfect match for you just happens to be biologically incompatible. >Your hindquarters- >NO. STOP THAT. >But you AREN'T incompatible physically! Just reproductively! Which is smashing because that means you don't even need protection and- >STOP >THAT >THIS >INSTANT >You can't sleep. You can't stop thinking about the potential for a steamy fling in the dark of the night, just like in all those romance novels. >And he's just soooooooo perfect. >The ONLY problem is that he's not a pony, and even that isn't entirely- >WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD STOP IT? >But he... you saw it, and you can't deny the positives. His species is larger in general. >He was rather well endowed, and lately your paramours have left you unsatisfied- >AGAIN. THAT. SHOULD YOU STOP IT? THE ANSWER AT ELEVEN. >BY THE WAY IT HAPPENS TO BE ELEVEN RIGHT NOW AND THE ANSWER IS YES. >Against all reason, you get out of bed. >You're going to miss out on beauty sleep. >Also he might say no! >Why would he say no to you? You're positively fabulous! >WHY ARE YOU ENTERTAINING THESE IDEAS. DIDN'T WE GO OVER SOMETHING JUST A MOMENT AGO? >You quietly trot down the hall. >His door is ajar. >You peek in and try to see, but it's quite dark. >He appears to be awake and... reading? >You can't quite make out the cover of the book, but it appears to be two figures embracing. >On a cliffside. >Above the ocean. >You feel faint. >On top of everything else. On top of ALL his amazing qualities... he ALSO reads romance novels? >This deal. It is sealed. >You put on your best pair of bedroom eyes and sashay into the room. >He sets the book down and looks up at you. >"Rarity, can I help you?" >You place one hoof on the edge of the bed and lean over. >"Oh you most certainly can." >"I don't... we can't." >You trace your hoof down his side. >"Oh I know, and I wrestled with the same questions, but don't you see? It can be our little secret. Just between us and this room." >Your hoof is now just resting just above his hip. >"Really, we can't... I mean... you're... I'm..." >You let out an exaggerated sigh. >"Believe me, I understand. For hours now I've been trying to tell myself the same thing, but it just doesn't matter." >He flips on the light and gets a puzzled look on his face. >"I'm not certain I understand. It absolutely DOES matter." >"Only because society is too conservative to embrace true passion!" >"... Rarity, I think there's been a lack of communication here." >"There has been a lack of a lot of things. Like you making love to me. Preferably right now." >"Rarity, I'm afraid I must decline your advances. I love fashion and cooking and hair care." >"As do I! Come now, there is no shame in fulfilling a basic biological need!" >He sighs. >"Maybe things are different here. I guess I need to just spell it out for you. I'm a gigantic flaming faggot." >"A... a what?" >"I'm GAY. Oh if you were a stallion I would absolutely mount you, here and now, but you're a mare. I'm just... my body isn't interested." >Well YOUR body is and this issue is not over! >"Can you... can you close your eyes and pretend?" >He left quietly in the morning before you woke up. >Maybe you need a second cat.