"Daring Douche 2: Wherein our story begins [RGRE]"
By brandnewwritefag (https://pastebin.com/u/brandnewwritefag)

URL: https://pastebin.com/yNmyhsPR
Created on: Tuesday 10th of March 2015 07:20:48 PM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 1 of November 2020 04:42:11 AM UTC


>Be
"Oh...God..."
>Be Anon
>In a dimly lit room
>The booth you're in...you want to get out
>You cough, flecks of red hitting the table infront of you
>That's not good
>"Oh, oh... no Nonny, no..."
>Ponka's here
>Of course she is - she's the one that brought you here
>How long... have you been here?
>You feel her hoof dab your chin
>You turn towards her, and swallow hard - she's licking her hoof clean
>"Hehe, aww. Anon, I'm so glad you're here..."
"P-ponko...the others-"
>"Will be here later. We have enough time, I made sure of it."
"But... but it hurts..."
>She awws, nuzzling under your chin sweetly
>The pressure of her body makes you groan in discomfort
>You can't feel your legs anymore - oh God, you can't feel your legs
>"It's ok, Nonon. I'm doing this cause I love you, and them..."
"Th-"
>"Sssh, shh... we're almost done, we're almost done."
>She places a big knife on the table, and you know
>It's almost over
* * *
>BE DARING
>Hanging out with the other mares
>Yanno.
>The ones in your HERD
>Eeeeeeeeee
>I KNOW, Brain! I know!
>You and the herd - eeee - are setting up a picnic, on a hill, overlooking the lake
>romantic romantic romantic
>It's the first date
>OFFICIAL DATE
>Since you and Anon got discharged out of the hospital
>"Aaaand.... perfect. Exactly 90 degrees."
>Twilight finishes setting the places...horrifyingly perfectly
>You'd point out that it doesn't matter, but damn it if she doesn't look so satisfied over it
>Hey Daring?
>Yeah, brain?
>She's adorkable
>Mmmm, yeah. Naughty librarian?
>'Daring, you checked out your own books and didn't return them. I'm going to have to te-'
>"Hey, Darin'? Hellooo~?"
"Buh?"
>AJ laughs, shaking her head. "Are all pegasai so...spacey?"
"Hey! I was having deep thoughts!"
>"Do enlighten us, dear."
>Fuck
"Uh... like...Anon."
>"O-oh. The only thing I want of Anon deep inside me is-"
>"Fluttershy! In Public?!" Rarity cries, looking astonished
>"W-well I got it from those books you let me borr-"

>"Books?! What books - why are there books I don't know about?"
>Twilight suddenly appears to your right, looking at Rarity
>"Rarity..."
>"Now Darling, there's a perfectly good reason why I didn't tell you about those, ah. Reading materials."
>Twilight tilts her head, arching an eyebrow
>Silence
>Oooooohhhh this is delicious
>You sit there, smiling like an idiot
>". . . I didn't want Spike to find them, that's why I didn't loan them to you."
>aaaaannnndddd
>"Oh, well I can understand that."
>OH MY GOSH SHE MADE IT, COLTS WIN, COLTS WIN THE SUPERBOWL
>You and AJ raise your hooves in silent amazement
>Fluttershy looks between the two of you, blushing harder
>"But I want to read them anyway - can I come over and read them with you?"
>You hear laughter on the tree above you
>RD lost it
>"What? What?!" Twilight, blushes slightly, looking for an answer
>"N-nothing, Darling, nothing. And RD, where have you been?!"
>"Napping! What else? You just wanted me to fly around until things were done, right?"
>Twilight rolls her eyes
>"No. You had a job!"
>"Oh...uh...what was it, again?"
>Twilight stomps in slight frustration
>"You were supposed to get Anon from Pinkie's! She's not supposed to have him the whole day - just distract him for a little while!"
>".....oooooohhhh....."
>AJ turns to you again. "So... is that a yes on the spacyness, or is it just you two?"
>You roll your eyes
"Come on, Rainbow. You an' me - let's get him, ok?"
>"A RACE?! SURE!"
"Wait that's no-"
>"FIRST ONE TO SCC WINS!"
>Aaaaaaand she's off like a dash
>You facehoof internally
>thanks...for that pun, brain
>No probs, Daring. By the way, you should get going
>yeah, yeah
>You spread your glorious, healed plumage and take flight, pumping your wings hard to gain distance
"Ain't nobody dare to beat Daring!"
>You can hear a collective groan from under you
>. . . fuck, brain. Just once, I want a good catch phrase.
>You spy a rainbow streak making it's way to the middle of town, and work to catch up

>Almost...almost...
>The world is a blur as you close the distance
>20 pony-lengths.... 10.... 5 - close enough
>You apply the breaks, but RD... not so much
>*BAM*
>She hits Sugarcube Corner pretty hard, shaking the front of the store
>Speaking of... why are the curtains all drawn
>And why is it closed - what
>"We don't want any!"
>Well Pinkie's here
"Pinkie, it's us - Daring and RD. Can we come in for an 'eclair'?"
>Heh, code words
>Anon was the eclair - yanno. Long, tasty and filled with crea-
>"No! N-not yet!"
>What do you mean, Not yet? It's - you've left Anon here at like, 8AM and now it's almost noon.
"Pinkie, that's enough time to make some eclairs, right?"
>". . . You're not a baker!"
>Ok she's stalling
>That means something went horribly, horribly wrong
>You start knocking and trying the door handle - it's locked
>"Y-you didn't graduate from Le Cordon Bleu!"
"OPEN THIS BUCKING DO-"
>"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
>"Uuuugh..."
>That moan
>That was a male's voice
>THAT WAS ANON
>YOU PINK BITCH WHAT DID YOU DO
>You back up - RD has finally regained consciousness - and you dive over her body, through the glass
>Remember: Only Bitches use doors
>And also only ponies who don't want a bunch of tiny cuts use doors too
>Oww
>You land like a boss, light streaming into the dark room
"W-what happened here?!"
>"I'm not finished! I don't know what his favorite is!"
>There are just... tins everywhere
>Half-eaten pies
>Muffin bits
>candies
>In the center of it in a very obvious food coma is Anon
>And what looks like a triple-decker upsidedown pineapple cake infront of him
>Knife still stuck in it's sugary goodness
"Wh...what?"
>Pinkie launches herself at you, wrapping around your neck - almost in tears
>"I just wa-want it to be perfect an *sniff* momma pie said that a way to a stallion's heart is through his tummy *sniff* an I didn't know what was anon's favourite an'-"
>You pet her gently, looking over Anon
>he's developed a brand new booter belly, that's for sure

>Pinkie continues to cry into your arms as Dash looks Anon over
>Well. More like waves her hooves infront of Anon
>He's nodding in and out
>Poor colt
>"-an then I was chained to the stove an' told to-"
>Wait, what?
"What?"
>You look down at Pinkie, who looks up at you with teary eyes
>"I-it's truuuuue"
>She sniffles
>You sigh and pat her head, rolling your eyes.
"Really? Really-really?"
>She grins, sticking out her tongue. "Well. Mostly-really. Mom's flank brought Dad home, and her cooking made him stay."
>You both share a chuckle, and Anon groans again
>"H...help....halp..."
>"Ssshhh shhhh.... Nonno, shhhh..."
>Pinkie's over there in a flash, rubbing his food baby
>"You'll wake up little pillsbury~"
>"Wh...ugh...just. Just."
>He tries to get up, but ends up wobbling around
>You, Dash and Pinkie 'daww' in unison, and he shoots you a glare
>a sleepy, foodcoma glare
>You, Dash and Pinkie 'daww' in unison yet again
>You turn to Dash, who's leaning against Pinkie
"So... don't we have to take him out, though? Like, our date?"
>"Hmm? Yeah, I guess... but just look at his widdle cheeks!"
>Anon lazily swats at Rainbow, who laughs, taking the lazy hit easily
>"Just... help me out of this place."
>Rainbow snakes her way under his arm and starts to lift, and with a little bit of effort stands
>Wow. He must be stuffed....
>Damnit. Now this date is ruined - you don't get to hoof-feed him anything, he won't miss a spot on his cheek, you don't get to lick it off....
>You turn and start to walk out of SCC, mainly to hide your pout
"Come on, everypony. Let's get a move on."
>"Ok, ok. Nonny, do you want a doggie ba-"
>"NO."
>Pinkie giggles and bounces out the door behind you, trailing a shuffling Anon
>Maybe sugar hit his species differently?
>You hum a nonsensical tune as you lead your herd back to the lake
>Pinkie bounces beside you, humming in harmony every so often
>Dash nuzzles your stallion as he finally makes it outside
>Anon hisses as his face is kissed by the sun

>The four of you plod your way out of town and up the hill, towards the rest of your herd
>heh. It's like...starting to seem like home
>Maybe. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We still have to woo
>"Anon!"
>Yeah. Wait, uh, that was somepony el-
>"Anon, what happened to you?! Is that blood?!" Twilight cries, the girls circling around your stallion
>"O-oh! I brought the first aid kit just for this rea-"
>"Danigt, colt. Ah knew ah should've escorted ya-"
>"Alright, alright, sit down - uh, according to 'primate care for pinheads', we first-"
>Pinkie stands up on her back hooves
>And with her surprisingly long tongue, licks one of the red splotches off of his shirt
>Everypony goes silent, eyes wide in shock
>3...2...1...
>Dash loses it first AGAIN
>You follow suit, and soon the three of you are laughing like mad
>A white hoof stomps in marely anger!
>"Dears, why don't you tell us exactly WHAT is going on here?!"
>"Mm...food coma. Too much pie. Rest now."
>Anon unceremoniously plops down on the blanket, promptly laying down
>Fluttershy, ever concerned, tries to tend to his wounds
>he ends up boopin her until she calms down
>Meanwhile, the Pegasai Party Patrol 
>That's the new name of your little motley crew, cause your brain is awesome
>Is fending off some very ANGRY stares
>Whoops
"....I can explain."
>"Oh? This should be good." AJ says, rolling her shoulders
"...it's Pinkie's fault."
>"I'm kicking you out of the band, Vince!" Pinkie yells, pointing a hoof at you accusingly. "You know I can't be blamed for my actions unless it all ends up going exactly as planned!"
>"What did you do to our Stallion?! He looks - he looks sick!" Twilight exclaims, looking over her shoulder
>"Wellllll I just wanted to see what his favorite dessert was."
>"Ok. And?"
>"Aaaaaaand I may have had him try everything."
>There's a moment of silence between the three, and you motion to Dash with your head
>The universal "let's get out of here before they blame us by association" headtilt

>You and Dash sloooowly back away from the angry girls
>Gonna just... let Pinkie fall under the cart here
>Time to check on your boy
>You trot your way over to Anon, who is furiously and gently booping Fluttershy
>Like... his fingers are a blur
"Hey Anon, you do-"
>*boopitybip*
"Wafhn~"
>Poetic
>You flail a bit, caught off-guard from the rapid-fire boops you're getting
>of course, he has TWO HANDS. Rookie mistake!
>You scrunch with the fury of your ancestors, guarding your nose from future boops
>Dash comes up behind you
>"Haha, Fluttersh-"
>*bippitybipboopboop*
>"G-kyaah~!"
>Rainbow Dash flails as well, falling onto her side over Anon's tummy
>You scrunch again, but for different reasons
>Tricksy mare
>She took your prime cuddling spot
>"O-oh, Anon, what's gotten - eep!"
>Fluttershy is booped once more, and she falls over
>You are last mare standing
"Anon, what are y-NO!"
>You grab at his hand, but he's devilishly fast - was he ALWAYS this fast?! - and he boops you again
>You go down
>kinky
>But now you, Dash and Fluttershy are at the mercy of the boopmonster, and he's
>just
>not
>stopping
>3mares2boopers
>The three of you squirm against his assault
>kinky, but no! You have to stop the boops - something's gotten into him!
>You grab for his hand, but he snakes it out of your grasp
"Girls! Focu-gaaah~! focus on his hands, grab his hands!"
>You hear committed squeaks from Fluttershy, and Dash grunts her approval as she's booped
>She makes a grab for his hand, but she misses
>It's coming back over to you....
>You got it! All four of your hooves grab onto his wrist and he
"Ghaahaaa~!"
>He's moved from boops to [spoiler]bellyrubs[/spoiler]
>The fiend
>You squirm under his rubs, batting his arm with your hooves
>Nfh
>Stooooooop
>He laughs - whoops, you said it out loud
>"Sorry Daring, you three are just SO FLUFFY!"
>Well, ok - at least you know the mares down at the barbershop were right. Colts love fluff.
>BUT THIS IS DEMEANING

>Anon's outburst apparently gets the attention of the other girls, who come over
>Don't say anything don't say anything don't-
>"Aww, ya'll look like Winona when ah give her a treat!"
>Damn you applehorse I will piss on your trees for tha-
>HANDHANDHAND
>You wiggle your hooves in defiance, mouthing his wrist and forearm when you get the chance
>That'll show him!
>"Anon, Anon, I need you to calm down." Twilight begins, reaching out a hoof pleadingly
>"What? Calm - I'm perfectly calm. I'm just filled with so much ENERGY It's great! I'm having a great time with you girls!"
>"See! I told you girls! Exaaaaaactly as planned."
>"Pinkie, you're lucky he didn't go into a diabetic coma."
>"....exaaaaa-"
>"Don't." Applejack cuts Pinkie a look, and she smiles sheepishly
>"Come on, Anonymous - dear. Sit up and behave!"
>Rarity calls for order, and he stops for a moment
>Fluttershy continues to gnaw on his wrist, while Rainbow Dash assumes the position
>kinky
>But no, she's just on her back, hooves waiting for the next invasion
>Still kinky
>Shutup, brain
>You's got a grabber of your own, and his rubs slow down just a little
>Aww
>"Alright, alright.... But I was having fun, yanno."
>"It's alright, Anon. You can pet us all when you're done serving us." Twilight says, with a smile
>Anon laughs and sits up
>Woah your contents are shifting
>You roll over to the side, giving him some room and removing his hand from your tummy
>Aww
>"Really? Serve you and then groom you? And what do I get out of the deal?"
>A quiet voice pipes up
>"The satisfaction of a job well done?"
>Everyone turns over to Fluttershy, who's still on her back in prime bellyrub position
>Anon laughs again, and pets her chest a little
>The snuggleslut
>"Eeeeeh I was thinking more like sandwiches and whiskey."
>"Ah brought Cider, does that work?" AJ responds
>"Mmm, sure."
>Rarity leans over and whispers to AJ "Cider, for a stallion? Really?"
>"It's our sparkling brand, Rares."
>Rarity 'Aah's softly

>After your demeaning pets
>eer
>valiant cuddle struggle
>places are re-set
>food is passed out
>And sparkling cider is sipped
>Ugh, it's weaker than actual applejuice
>But you look at Anon, who sips it with a soft smile
>...the things you do for love
>"So, uh... not that I wasn't totally part of this and helped plan it all-" Dash begins, before being interrupted by a snort from Rarity
>"-but, what're we doing after this? N-n-not that I don't like hanging out with you all! On a hill. In the middle of nowhere."
>"It's a ROMANTIC luncheon at a well hooficured park near a pristine lake. Darling~" Rarity says, with a teeny tiny bit of venom. "We just wanted our first meal together to be...ah, memorable."
>"Memorable, right, it is. S'good." Anon says calmly, his legs crossed infront of him
>Now if only he'd stop bouncing his knees
>"Well, I'm glad you approve, love."
>"S-so... Anon, is this like home?" Twilight ventures, trying to start the conversation
>"You mean the picnic or the magical pastel pones?" Anon replies with a smirk
>"W-well I meant the pic-"
>"I was just playing with you, no worries."
>Twilight blushes as Anon continues. "Yeah, I mean... Picnics weren't something you just did on a whim - like, maybe you went out to eat in the park at lunch, if your work was near a park..."
>He looks around as he continues his story. "Most of the time, places as large as this..."
>Aaaaaand tune out
>Your eyes trace his body as he talks, motioning with his hands
>Hmm. The hospital stay hasn't been too bad to him
>Probably the physical therapy - he seems to be in a little better shape than before
>of course, what stallion doesn't try to stay in shape once he's got some mares, right?
>"-and then BOOM. Explosions fucking everywhere!"
"Wait what?"
>You raise your head, blinking in confusion
>"What? That's NASCAR, baby! Alcoholism, picnics - of a sort - and explosions."
>"Woah! Ya'll sure do have some interestin' sports, Anon!"

>"O-oh my, that sounds really violen-" Yellowquiet begins
>"AWESOME. That sounds AWESOME, you mean!" Dash interrupts, pumping her hooves in the air. "Speed, danger, explosions and at the end, skimpy humans give you a trophy!"
"Actually, that does sound awesome."
>You all share a chuckle, and the conversation begins to flow freely
>Differences in sports, in what constitutes a "good" game, different tactics for tailgating...
>He really is just like one of the mares - cept you can fuck him
>Heh. Well, you can fuck other mares too... just, yanno. There better be a stallion around there somewhere
>As long as the teats don't touch, no homo
>Yanno?
>Wait why are you justifying this to yourself?!
>"-which is why I learned that you can't grill a beer can inside of a tortilla and call it a 'beerito'" Anon finishes his story, everypony giving him rapt attention
>Dangit you keep spacing out
>Well, the food's finished, and you paid attention to MOST of his stories, so
>Still a win
>Your sigh softly, resting lowering your head a bit
>Suddenly, you feel a hand rubbing your mane
>"Hey, you alright?" Anon asks, looking at you with such... soft eyes
>Damn you, colt, asking about feelings
"I'm fine. Just sad that, uh... this has to end so soon, yanno?"
>Murmurs of agreement pass through the group, and he smiles
>"Well, it's not like I'm going anywhere. And I did say I'd give this herding thing a shot, so..."
>He shrugs, removing his hand
>"Just stop by whenever."
"R-really?"
>Colts are all about mindgames
>"Really-really. In fact, I have to pickup some groceries this afternoon - does anyone want to join me?"
>A chorus of unanimous voices causes him to laugh
>"Alright, alright, fuck. Then let's clean up and get going, yea?"
>"Uh...we'll just wait for you, then?" Rainbow says, giving her most winningest smile
>"Mmmmno. You get the dishes-"
>"Aww"
[spoiler]>As you make cleaning preparations, you don't notice the group of eyes staring at you from afar[/spoiler]

>Group in tow
>With Anon carrying the basket - as is proper
>You make your way into town
>Honestly, you...weren't too unhappy with the move
>Granted, you pretty much crash at Dash's place for now
>But you've been slowly divesting yourself of your properties - and colts - over the past few months, and now it seems like Ponyville will be your permanent home
>Well...maybe you'll keep a couple villas
>They do have great views, and just thinking about raising some foals with anon as the sun comes up in Cloudsdale, the mist curtains causing a soft rainbow to play across his features as-
>eer.
>I mean. For uh. Tax purposes.
>Totally.
>You cough, clearing your throat (and hopefully your new blush)
"So... uh, what do we need to get?"
>You turn back to look at Anon, and your herd follows suit
>Aww yeah you ARE alpha mare!
>"Well. I need the bases for some salads, some bread - was thinking about making some lasagna or pasta, so... tomatoes, some garlic. Apples, of course." He says, nodding with a smile to AJ, who laughs.
>"Ahm pretty sure ah can give you a discount on that one."
>"A discount?! Not for free?"
>"Mmm, maybe we can work somethin' out." AJ replies, going into full bedroom-eyes.
>She licks her lips
>"...so I'll be getting pears, then."
>"Thems fightin' words, Anon."
>They laugh, and you find yourself joining in
>"Well, we could help by splitting up and getting it for you, Anon." Twilight suggests, and you find yourself agreeing
"Yeah! Make sure nopony's taking you for a ride."
>That's your job
>"Girls, I'm pretty sure I know how to haggle."
>Ah, right - of course. A Stallion in a shopping center - his natural element
>"R-right, right. Uhm. So where to first?" Fluttershy asks, nudging him in the side
>"Apples?"
>"Apples" AJ responds sagely, as if he asked what the meaning of life was
>You make small talk with Pinkie Pie as you make your way through the market to Applejacks' stall, picking up what you need as you pass by

>Apple stall apple stall
>Why was it in the MIDDLE of the market?!
>That's where everypony go-
>ooooh
>Realizing you know nothing of mercantile exchanges other than "here's an artifact, that'll be 500 bits" you decide to keep your complaints and revelations to yourself
>aaaand apples
>two of 'em, to be exact
>Hello tiny yellow howdy horse
>And...
>You can't help but look the red draft horse up and down
>You turn your head to the other mares - who are all pointedly looking away from the colt
>Why on earth would you- GREEN EYES
>AJ is right up in your face
>"Darin', you remember my BROTHER, right?"
>Aaaaaah that's why
"Ah, y-yes! What a fine and upstanding colt!"
>"Eeyup."
>Ooooh colt. In another life.
>"So... let's go with, uh. 3 apples for t-"
>"Fahve."
>"Ok, 5 apples. A bit per?"
>Big, Red and meaty nods, and Anon starts to fish in his pocket for his bits
>"Darling, please. You're our colt - let us take care of it."
>Rarity magics up some bits onto the counter, and Anon opens his mouth to protest
>"Oh, ya'll'r official?" He asks
>"Uh, Official? I guess...?"
>Big Mac looks at him with a look
>That inscrutable look of a stallion prying the deepest secrets from somepony with just a gaze
>"....eyup."
>"You fat-flanked, no-calf, ugly shaven monkey!"
>You... can't believe what you just heard.
>The market immediately quiets down, and the somewhat familiar voice pipes up again
>"Yeah, you heard me! Your fashion sense is atrocious - who told you those boots and that shirt went together?! And your mane coloring is just horrible!"
>HA ha ha ha oh somebody's going to die.
>You turn around to give the pony a piece of your mind
"...SWEET BEAN?!"
>"IN THE FLUFF, DARING!"
>Sweet Bean poses, but he's not alone
>5 of your other ex-coltfriends stand beside him, all posing dramatically as well
>"We are Daring's Evil E-"
>"The League of Extraordinary Gentlecol-"
>Sweet Bean turns and looks at your first love
>You can't believe it's him
[spoiler]>Lawn Ponnery[/spoiler]