"Daring Douche 2: Wherein a Daring escape is performed"
By brandnewwritefag (https://pastebin.com/u/brandnewwritefag)

URL: https://pastebin.com/SSZFq23u
Created on: Saturday 29th of August 2015 09:46:57 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 1 of November 2020 04:41:55 AM UTC


>You, your herd, your guests and some assembled eye candy stand at the chariot sky dock, staring at the empty space that *should* house a royal chariot
>"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOOK DOWN THE WARDS-"
>Cadence is in the middle of a conniption that's lasted....
>You look around for a clock
>Hmm. Going on 15 minutes. Impressive
>"-They were garish and ugly - not to mention, nopony is going to stand there and let us put our hooves all over them!" Shining began to retort because, let's face it, Stallions are always right
>"THAT'S HOW I GOT IT PASSED THROUGH PARLIAMENT! LITERALLY STAFFING IT WITH ONLY COLTS WAS HOW-"
>Apparently over the past few weeks the TSA Guard had taken it upon themselves to dismantle most of the metal wards that all incoming and outgoing ponies were supposed to go through
>Exchanged them for, and I quote, "a less-intensive system developed by those smart Flim-Flam colts."
>Of course it DIDN'T WORK
>coltscan'tintoengineering.truth
>You ignore Twilight having a mental breakdown and the rest of the herd having a general freakout
>You've got a MYSTERY to solve!
>The Mystery of the Missing Anon
>AKA
>Daring Do and the Hot Monkey Di-
>"Daring! Come on, we can get him ourselves!"
>Dash is tangled up in both chariot harnesses, one wing pointing straight up
>Her hooves aren't even touching the ground
>Kinky
>See, this shit right here is why you're going to be Alpha Mare
>If you could ever get more than a couple hours alone with your beau
>tfwcoltfriendiskidnapped.legend
"Ok, so-"
>"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR GIVING THEM A CHANCE! IT IDENTIFIED EVERYPONY AS A PONY-"
>"YOU DIDN'T EVEN TEST IT OUT YOU JUST BOUGHT IT SIGHT UNSEEN-"
>"WE CAN GET 'EM OURSELVES COME ON GIRLS-"
>"ALL HAIL THE MAGIC APPLE-"
>Right, time to mare up
"FOR FUCKS SAKE WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP?!"
>Everyone pauses and looks at you
>Save for Dash
>She kinda...sways a bit in the harnesses
>Not now, wings

>You inhale deeply
>I AM THE LAW
"Alright, first - YOU."
>You point at Cadence
"You had ONE JOB. And blaming your husband because you didn't pay attention to the apparently tons of scrap he was removing from the city is not his fault."
>She sighs, and Shining begins to smile
"YOU."
>He blinks, and frowns slightly
"That was stupid. I don't care - You should've talked to someone other than your little echo chamber-"
>"M-my friends are NOT an echo cham-"
"NOT NOW. Prince or not, you're not allowed to do just what you want!"
>He frowns, but nods
>You pause for just a moment
>You JUST TOLD OFF ROYALTY
>That had been fighting earlier
>....shit you gave them a common enemy to unite against WHAT IS WRONG WITH Y-
>"D-Daring's right! We need to come together and rescue Anon!"
>Twilight steps up and saves your haybacon, trying to rally everyone to the same cause
>Thankfully, it works
>"F-fine, fine. You're right. Shining, I'm sorry-"
>"No, candytuft, I was wrong - I just wanted to make things easier-"
>They embrace
>"Oh, baby no, I should've paid more attention to yo-"
>"No no you're busy I can-"
>They're... intensifying their embrace with nips and nuzzles and-
>Oh
>HEY
>Nervous laughter to your right totally kills the mood
>"Haahahaha... ha... hey so instead of, yanno, mounting my brother infront of everyone-"
>At that, both pones turn crimson, quickly separating
>"*cough* Right, right. Uh. So. The Changeling Hive."
"Yeah."
>"Right."
"....the Changeling Hive."
>"Yes."
"...you have no idea where it i-"
>"W-well it's not like I haven't been busy! A nation to run, trade to oversee, games to host, eye candy all over this castle distracting me - Damn, mare, get off my back!"
"Alright, touchy! Sheesh."
>Cadence sighs again. "Alright, alright... sorry. Just, today's been stressful, alright?"
>Hmm
"So you've got nothing to go off of?"
>"Our best spies have been combing the northern and eastern wastes, but we've found nothing. Snow and mountains, with very little to go on."

>She begins to pace as both you and Twilight take notes
>Mental and physical
>"Based on my research, a hive would need to be located within a day's flight distance for optimal feeding-"
>"Right, we figured that as well, yet outside of the city proper we just have farms, and none of them are changelings OR have reported raiding parties. I mean, there was that group of confused vikings a few months back, but once we captured them they've modernized very quickly."
"What if there was a small base, and they operated a sort of convoy or relay system?"
>"We...considered that, but the banishment spell at Canterlot was mostly non-lethal. So the hive is still as large, or larger-"
>Shining walks away from the group, towards the runway proper
>Probably for the best - we ARE talking strategy, after all
>Boring at best, or at worst he'd try to jump in and "help"
>The rest of the herd joins in
>"But what if they're usin' clouds or some such-"
>"No, that's not sustainable-"
>"Hey girls?"
>"Itchy twitchy fight those bitch-"
>"B-but can they even care for him?"
>"So far all colts we've recovered from Canterlot or sleeper cells were alright, if a bit traumatized."
>"Hey. Girls?!"
>"Those poor dears!"
>"I know, Rarity. We're going to crush Chrysalis once and for all! With two Alicorns on the case, she won't stand a chance."
>"Sure, Twi, but we ain't a clue as t'where-"
>"HEY BLIND MARES."
>Everyone turns towards Shining, who stands on the runway
>Mane and tail a breezy mess
>He points towards a faintly glowing mountain
>"Does that look natural to you?"
>He turns back to the vista, and the rest of you trot up to him
>What is he even on about? 
>All you see is the city below you, some dotted farmland
>a normal mountain range with an ominous, glowing peak nestled in it's center
>....
>All of you facehoof as one
>You hit yourself so loud you almost miss the muttered "...really needs to pay better attention"
>almost

>"Shining. Dear. Love. Frostyfluff."
>You can *feel* Cadence trying to keep her shit together
>"Why... why did you never tell me about this?!" She finishes with a smile
>The smile of "if I didn't love you, I'd destroy you"
>He responds with a smirk
>"Well. I thought you said that 'colts can't into scouting' and we should 'stay in the castle'."
>Her ears flat back, and his smirk widens into a grin
>"And those catsuits I bought-"
>"Thank you for your patronage!" Pinkie chirps
>"D-dear! They don't need to know anyth-"
>"-allowed my guard to keep tabs on any changelings that DID make it past the TSA. Latex at night is hard to see."
>He shrugs
>"Or did you not notice that we've never had a report of a missing stallion or pony since the kingdom became ours? Since before you installed those contraptions? Since I removed them and bought a cider-maker?"
>Cadence looks down, mumbling something about how she's been a very busy mare
>He sighs. "I just didn't think Chrysalis would be so bold. She never got through our defenses, yet... pulled the same trick twice. I should've been more vigilant-"
>Something stirs in your mind
>Something curious
>Imma say it
>NO MOUTH NO I'M NOT DONE THINKI-
"You bought a cider-maker instead of keeping up an invasive body-cavity search ward?"
>"What else are a bunch of off-duty colts going to do in the barracks all day? Anyway."
>He turns around, walking back into the castle
>Not before flicking his tail at his wife's nose
>"Have fun storming the keep, dear. I'll make a snack for your return. Oh, and approach from the west side - the shrubs should give you cover until you're halfway up the mountain."
>"Y-you too" is all she says before he's out of earshot, and all of you watch him walk away with a slightly-smug bounce in his step
>Damnit
>Dangerous colts are sexy
>....latex-catsuit Shining has Anon in harnesses, demanding to know information or else he gets the hot wax-
>Twilight coughs VERY LOUDLY, knocking you out of your fantasy

>You tamp down your wings as Twilight brings it back in
>"Ok...so ignoring the mental image of my brother in a latex catsuit-"
>"He modeled for me, yanno." Pinkie chirps
>An eyetwitch is the only response Pinkie gets from grape books, and she continues without missing a beat
>"-we really do need to prepare to storm a changeling Hive. Cadence-"
>Cadence chuckles. "Way ahead of you. Let's go to the armory, and we'll get you kitted up. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to have a ...talk with my husband before I can dedicate any guard resources - you understand."
>Twilight nods
>You grimace
>Damn. It would be great to have the backup - even if only for a distraction
>You follow sherbert playset as she takes you down a wing of the castle....
- - -
"Holy shit."
>All around you are some very vicious looking weapons
>Hollow curved hoofblades
>Barbed arrows
>Spiked horseshoes
>"Yeah... that was my reaction too when I first saw this."
>Cadence turns around, her magic lighting up the rest of the torches in this MASSIVE armory
>"Echo~"
>"-cho.... ho...."
>Pinkie giggles, but your eyes are locked onto the wingblades to your right
>"Apparently the Crystal Empire, being closer to the Gryphons, along the Dragon migration route and with Changelings nearby, has a long and proud history of-"
>"Overkill?"
>Cadence smiles at Rarity. "I prefer the term 'zealous defense'."
>Your hoof reaches out and touches the blades
>They sway in their sheaths, and you shake your head
"This... is great, but if we're not trained-"
>"Eyup. We'll hurt ourselves 'fore we kin hurt Chrysalis." Applejack finishes for you
>"Speak for yourselves!"
>You turn to see Rainbow decked out in
>....pretty sure it's one of everything
>Two sets of wingblades, four spiked horseshoes, hoofblades, crossbows around her barrel, chains, saddlebags stuffed with... just miscellaneous knives
>This mare has enough ordinance to kill a small town
>Nonplussed, an orange hoof reaches out and ever so gently nudges her side

>"H-hey-HEY!"
>With a meaty *thump* Rainbow crashes right onto her side, quickly making like a turtle
>In that she starts wiggling her legs, but can't right herself
>"T-That's cheatin! YOU'RE A CHEATER"
>"Mmmm."
>Rainbow begins to trot at an angle, slowly making a revolution on the floor
>"Gonna....getcha.... rrrrrh~"
>"Mmmm. So, what're yah gonna give us, yer worship?" Applejack continues, lazily walking just infront of the azure assassin
>Cadence looks at the rest of you, and y'all just shrug
>eh
>"Well..... ok. So one thing our recon scouts wear are these circlets-"
>She magics over a set of leg-rings and attaches each one to a pony
>"Location beacons?"
>Cadence nods at Twilight. "Yep. Nothing special, but they can't be taken off unless you're a member of the guard. Allows us to zero in on you for help, or..."
>within her silence hangs a heavy implication
>It sobers you all up
>"...body finding, right? The ultimate game of hide-and-seek."
>And the pink one ruins the mood
>You narrow your eyes at her, and she says something about taking clint eastwood's job
>Whatever
>"...they're also imbued with a map of sorts; it'll show you everywhere you've been."
"That's...useful."
>"Well, at least you'll know one way out. Other than that... just take what weapons you're trained in-"
>"I told you I AM READY!"
"Yeah.... no. Come on, RD."
>She growls
>"Uhm, Princess - don't mind me, but - what are those, ah... tubs for?"
>Cadence stops in mid-step
>. . .
>O-oh
>You see a slight blush on her face
>disgonbgud
>"T-those...are n-nothing."
"That doesn't SOUND like nothin-"
>A pink blur suddenly lifts the top of one of the vats-
>"....what?"
>Whelp. Everypony's natural curiosity takes the better of them, and you find yourself with your herd (minus a protesting RD) staring into a barrel of
"Cream?"
>You turn and look at the princess, who's red as a beet
>She's trying to make mouthsounds, but it's not working
>hmmm
>There's a mystery ahoof, gang!

>"Hey girls, what's going on over there?" RD yells, squirming against her leather-and-iron prison
>kinky
>Twilight turns and looks at her former babysitter, a grin slowly spreading across her face as she inhales deeply
>that's not creepy at all
>nope
>....why are you slightly arous-
>"I...remember this scent..."
>"T-twilight, it's not what you th-"
>"But a vat this size would have to be shared among the entire guard-"
>"-I-it's an incentive to do a good jo-"
>"-and I remember you saying it was a personal recipe that you hoof-crea-"
>"G-GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Cadence yells, stomping her hoof
>She's blushing so hard
>[curiosity intensifies]
>Twilight laughs and scoops out a decent amount of the cream, pouring it into bottles nearby
>"You don't mind if we take a co-"
>"N-NO. JUST.... UGH."
>There's another hoofstomp, and Cadence looks away
"What's the cream-"
>"We have to know, dear-"
>"WHAT'S GOING ON OVER TH-
>"TELL ME YOUR SECRETS-"
>Twilight bats you all away with a hoof. "Hey now! Later! Trust me!"
>Everypony scrunches, but what can you do?
>She's a princess
>You sigh, and start looking for a whip
>Something tells you you're gonna need it
- - -
>The chariot doesn't even make a sound as it cuts through the night air
>A majority of the crystal ponies are earth ponies, and what few pegasai there are aren't fit for combat
>So it's your ass and RD flying this thing
>And arguably it's the hardest flight you've ever done
>You're basically doing a non-stop airbrake as this insane mare beside you tries to speed right to the top of the mountain
"Slow down slow down slow down-"
>"come on come on come on come on-"
>"Alright you two-"
>Your ears perk up in tandem as you hear Twilight call out
>"-drop us here. It's half a kilometer to the base of the mountain-"
>"Fuck that! We're just gonna go right to the top! C'mon, Daring!"
"No, Fuck! Come on, RD. We're doing this for Anon, remember that. We can't have him hurt - or worse!"
>That puts a damper on her mood immediately

>Head down, she helps you quickly and quietly land the chariot
>This is gonna be Anon's ticket out of here - the rest of you could hoof it, if needs be
>Stallions first and all that
>"Alright y'all, huddle up."
>The farmpony brings you all into a huddle and Twilight casts a dim light onto the map laid on the ground
>"Alright. Here's the plan - Daring, you're first-"
"Heh. Damn."
>"Sorry. But you've got reflex and agility on your side. If you see something, or are seen by something, you're the most likely to react first. We're following the scrub brush up the east side - here. Applejack is bringing up the rear to catch anypony who falls and to generally be our shield. Then Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Myself and RD are behind you."
"So speed and reflex first, all-rounders in the middle and our shield at our back. Are you sure you haven't done this before?"
>You grin at her, and she sheepishly smiles back. "Well... I would always pretend - when my mind wandered - that I was.... leading an expedition or saving a stallion from a keep..."
>You hear a soft 'daww' from Rarity, and you chuckle
"Right, so... let's do this."
>You all nod in unison, the map rolling up. "Right. We get one shot at this - remember. Our priority is getting Anon out; defeating Chrysalis isn't import-"
>"Fuck that, Twi!" RD grins, "I'm going to kick her flank in!"
>Applejack laughs. "An' I'll bash her head in, ah swear on me mum!"
>The two of them hoofbump, and Twilight grins. "Well. If we can, but Anon first."
>"Right!"
>You get into formation, and slowly make your way up to the mountain
- - -
"Alright... I'm almost out of the brush."
>You whisper behind you, and RD nods
>Everypony's on their belly, and the moon is high in the sky
>Thick, wild clouds cover it every so often, and it's that chance that you're waiting for to dash to an outcropping of rock
>You see the shadow slowly cover the moon
>Slowly....
>....almost...
>THERE
>as soon as the shadow covers you, you dart forward

>With a soft *clack* your hoof touches the rock
>The shadow passes, and the bare mountain is illuminated once more
>You, however, are in the shadow of this outcrop
>Turning, you smile and give an all-clear wave
>And then all tartarus breaks loose
~~~

>Be Applejack
>Wow, it's about damn time!
>Shoot. All the city mares get the perspective switches...
>Anyway. 
>Best you can figure, the mountain's slowly exploding
>Or at least, tremblin' somethin fierce
>All you wanted to do was go shopping with your colt, making sure he bought plenty of healthy apples
>But noooo
>a league of jealous exes, a midnight train ride, royal shenanigans and a foalnapping later
>You find yourself awake at 4AM 
>on the side of an exploding mountain
>about to fight a changeling horde
>...Granny was right
>City boys ain't nothin' but trouble
>But damn if he didn't have an ass you could bounce a bit off of~

>Be Daring
"WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"
>"I THOUGHT YOU KNEW!" a panicked Rainbow Dash screams, flying up to meet you
>All pretenses of stealth are quickly wiped out as your herd runs up to the rock you find yourself behind
>"Twilight, what on equus is going on! My horn is going crazy!"
>"Uhh, uhh, I can fix this hold on I can fix this-"
>Rapid-fire, Twilight casts multiple spells
>"Uh - OK. Looks like, uh, it's a leyline fracture... WHAT?!"
>She starts looking around, terrified
>That's not good
"So, quickly, in laymare's terms-"
>"Mountain has too much magic in it, go boom if we don't lock it down. Rarity-"
>The mare eeps as the attention is thrown back onto her
>"-your gem spell. Try to find the ones with the most magic-"
>"Dear, I have no idea how to-"
>"The shiniest and the prettiest!"
>"O-ok!" Closing her eyes and scrunching her muzzle, Rarity's horn glows.... brighter... brighter
>Uh
>Maybe a little too brigh-
>In a flash, her magic travels up the slope, marking out a few gems just under the surface
>"Hah...hah... t-those...."
>She swallows hard, but everypony pats her on the shoulders
>Good on ya
"Right. Pegasai to the top, we'll let everyone else hit those on the way up - just fly th-"
>*KRA-BOOM*
>Lightning
>WILD Lightning
>Hits a tree near the summit, exploding it
"....ok plan C - everypony RUN!"

>"I-I don't think - I don't think I ca-"
>Pinkie rounds on Fluttershy and shakes her
>"Come on, Flutters! Anon is up there! You gotta have GUTS!"
>Flutters nods - or her neck is broken and her head is flopping just right - and everyone bolts
>The first outcropping is close - everyone dives on it, and in no time the crystal has been smashed, releasing some pent-up energy
>You split after, each mare going after their closest caches
"Twilight!"
>You yell from your side of the mountain, running to one of the outcrops
>"Y-hah-YES?!" Twilight says, peeking around a boulder infront of you
"CALL FOR HELP-"
>You reach your cache and start frantically digging
>Ain't no mare afraid of no hole
>"R-right! I'll just send a lett-"
>Suddenly she freezes, her eyes going wide
"Twilight? YO. NOW IS NOT THE TIME, ROOKIE. FOC-"
>"I FORGOT ABOUT SPIKE."


>You
>Are spike
>It's been... about 18 hours since you last saw Twilight
>or any of the other elements
>Or that homewrecker, Anon
>....they said they were going to the market, and you haven't heard back....
>Did they leave you?
>Nah, surely not.... and you're a big dragon! You can take care of yourself!
>Yeah!
>To prove a point to yourself, you grab a chair and start dragging it over to the kitchen counter
>You're gonna make yourself some prench toast for dinner!
>With gems!
>You hop up on the seat, and.... uh
>The counter's still too high...
"Hup!"
>You hop
>And land
>Nope. Maybe you can climb onto the counter?
>Of course, they're slick crystal, so you'll have to... make it all at once
>You can do this!
>If only this seat back wasn't so hi-
>You wobble and fall, the seat toppling beside you
>With a deafening *THUMP* the heavy seat hits the floor near your head
>OK, maybe too dangerous.... what's on the bottom level?
>You open a cupboard
"....Owl food and...crystal gruel. Expired...1100 years ago."
>
>
>
>With tears streaming down your cheeks, you reach for the gruel


"We'll buy him a hat later - FOCUS NOW-"
>"R-Right! Oh I'm a terrible mother-"
>Twilight has a minor mental breakdown about her foal-rearing skills, taking it out on the cache closest to her
>Good
>You're already about halfway up the mountain - and it seems like things are going to go your way!
>For once
>....fuck ok it doesn't count as jinxing as long as you think it, ri-
>"INTRUDERS! ALERT THE QU-"
>You whip a rock with your wing, cracking the scout on the skull
>But it means your time is limited
"HURRY HURRY HURRY-"
>Everypony's working as fast as they can
>And maybe it's the adrenaline
>But you notice... a cave
>near the top
>Glowing a sickly green
>.....yeah, all your hunches are going off about now
"THERE-!"
>You point, and everypony notices
>As one, you nod, quickly making work of any more gems on your route
>Enough to stabilize, but not enough to fix it
>Doesn't matter - in a few minutes, you'll be out with your colt, laughing on your way back to the empire
>And then
>[spoiler]belly rubs[/spoiler]
>You all group up just infront of the cavern
>"Alright... on three. One, Two-"
>"I'M GONNA BUCK YOUR FACE RIGHT OFF." Rainbow Dash roars, jumping into the cave
>no redshirt wait-
>The rest of you scramble up, ready to face
>Oh
>The entire damn changeling army
>.....whoops.

>You start laughing
>Because you're Anon again
>And daytime television has yet to steer you wrong
>"YOU FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
>You lift your hand off of the crystal - it's sunk about halfway into the pedestal now
"It's shiny, I touched it - can you really expect more out of a... what was it? Hopeless pile of Food?"
>Oh, she mad
>"I will rip your legs off for thi-" she snarls, but a frantic knocking on her chamber door interrupts her
>Huh, you're gonna see some changeling-on-changeling violence, cause she's gon' kill someone
>The door is gripped in her aura and ripped off the hinges
>....ok maybe you went a bit too fa-
>"Mother-Queen!"
>Ok, once again, this hive's got some issues

>"WHAT do you WANT?!"
>The poor bug starts to shake
>"M-m-m-essage for you - th-there's an a-attack force on it's way-"
>"WHAT?!"
>She turns to glare at you again
>"You - you planned this?! Destroying my hive was the signal for the army to move in?!"
>Hmm. 
>Now, you're already in over you head
>Should you keep going?
>You shrug
"What can I say? It's just so much fun playing you guys."
>The queen grinds her teeth
>bluff skill too stronk
>"Drone."
>Chrysalis speaks with a coldness that rivals the tundra outside
>"Y-yes mistress?"
>Ok, a LOT of issues in this hiv-
>"Break in this male while I vaporize his rescue team."
>"Y-yes mistress-queen-mommy-sister!"
"Ok, have I said that y'all have some issues? Cause really, that's not right-"
>In a flash of green flame, Chrysalis is gone
>And it's just you
>Your taco
>And this grinning jackass
>"I'm going to enjoy this, slave."
>Hm. Weapons... weapons..
>You look around the still-bare room
>uh... damn
>The changeling starts to slowly walk towards you
>"If you beg for forgiveness now, I might be inclined to not draw too much blood~"
>A shiver runs up your spine
>Wow this drone is such an asshole
>...
>wait
>That's it!
>You're like some weird, emotion-amplifier or some shit
>But... if you use your skills, Taco might get hurt
>maybe
>On a hunch, you press your fingers to your temples
>maybe the answer....
>You begin concentrating hard
>maybe the answer is not being an asshole in GENERAL, but being an asshole to just one person
>You start focusing hard, thinking of all the dickish stuff you've ever done, and could do
>on this one
>lone
>changeling
>"Wh-ggh....whaaa~nnnnblg!"
>It starts to shake violently
>You reach out with one hand
>Professor X, eat your heart out
>...that always bothered you. If he was such a brainiac, why not just cure his own damn diseas-
>FOCUS ON THE HATE
>RIGHT, thanks brain
>The changeling, for what it's worth, tries to turn and run
>It gets about two steps before it starts vomiting
>violently


>eww it looks like a rainbow
>With a violent shake, it falls to the floor
>Dead, like [spoiler]the coltcuddler general[/spoiler]
>Taco, however, seems fine
>If her grip across your shoulders is any indication
>You reach back and pat what you think is her head
>A few light nips in return 
>Yeah, she ai'ght
>More importantly, it's time for you to GTFO
>Cause if those mares are who you think they are...
>You pick up your pace
>Let's see... let's see...
>The only sound down the halls are the dull echos of your feet
>The jangling of your getup being drowned out by the beating of your heart
>Fuck, where IS everyone
>If only you had some sort of indicati-
>"...-is -ay ....om!"
>You stop
"The hell?"
>The ground's still shaking, but you try to strain your ears
>Where did that-
>"-ee kne-...ant..ot ...at.."
>That sounded...
>Oh.
>You facepalm and grin
>Right, cartoon horse world
>Follow the monologing villain
>You run towards the sounds that sound the most uptight
>"-uel once more! With my new brood, nothing can stop us! And your colt has been kind enough to....donate to our cause."
>You hear some yells - the girls! - and... yeah
>You round a corner and see that you're in a grand hallway
>Right in the middle is a massive door
>About... oh, 5000 changelings
>And your brave, foolish herd
>...who look a little worse for wear
>. . .ugh you're never accepting rides from strangers again 
>Chrysalis chuckles. "Hm. I am more powerful than I've ever been... and I think it will be poetic, killing you with your own stallion's emotions~"
>You hear a twang pipe up
>"Ah dun care bout yer poetry - come over here n' fight me like a mare!"
>Heh
>They're all going to die, you know
>Yeah... yeah.... fuck...
>You look around, noticing the assembled guards
>They're all in armor
>And a few... 
>...a few are wearing the same armor that the royal guard had on
>...waitaminute
>a wild plan has appeared!
>You grin wildly and begin flexing your chest
>It's SHOWTIME


>Well. 
>Daring, you never thought you'd go out like this
>I mean, surrounded by angry natives, being killed for trespassing - sure
>But doing it all for love?
>You know some fat colt is going to write a romance novel about you
>You can FEEL it in your bones
"I don't care if there are 100 or a 1000 of you; We're not leaving without Anon!"
>Might as well give him some lines
>"Mmm. Five Thousand, four hundred, actually. Plus more, the longer we wait. Isn't the biology of the master race wonderful~?"
>Pinkie giggles next to you. "Silly Chryssi, you're not an Earth Pony!"
>AJ laughs, and they hoofbump
>Hey!
>Wow
>...that was a lil mean
>"Hm. Well, I tire of this. Time to put you down like the lessers that you a-"
>Chrysalis stops in mid monologue
>Your adventurer training kicks in
>That means one of two things
>(1) Your sidekick has snuck up on her and stabbed her in the back. Run.
>(2) Her perfect plan is suddenly exploding all around her. RUN.
>You flap once, getting a vantagepo-
"A-ANONYMOUS?!"
>Everypony's ears perk up, and everyBODY turns to see your colt
>Oiled up
>...N-nipple tassles spinning
>B-ball c-cup on d-displ-
>Your wings get a little too stiff to fly, and you start to fall back to earth
>Apparently you're not the only one
>"Haha, Oh wow! Hey Colt! Came here to spread some loooove~?"
>"Hey food! Wait just a minute, we'll do you on their bodies-"
>"Well, trying to save your herd? Admirable, but you're our slav-"
>These insects cat-calling your colt just gets your blood boiling
>Anon inhales deeply as he keeps jogging towards you
>Making sure to sway his hips too
>U-uhnf
>What on earth is he thinking?!
>"HELP! HELP! I'M BEING OPPRESSED! COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!"
>What?
"Wat"
>You look at your herd, and they all shrug
>Suddenly, as one, about a third of the changelings rise up
>"WE'RE SO TRIGGERED"
>OHSHI-
>and then there was a melee

>Be Anonymous
>I swear, this perspective switching is getting a little old
>You duck as a changeling is kicked where your head was
>Flying back and hitting Chrysalis square in the chest
"OI! Where are you Girls!"
>A drone latches onto your chest
>You caress it's head, thinking of California immigration laws
>The changeling falls to the floor, dead
>"ANON! HERE!"
>A beam of purple lances out next to you, clearing a path for a moment
>But a moment's all you need
>Sprinting forward, you skid to a halt among your pones
>Tired smiles greet you - but it's no time for snuggles
>*fumpf*
>Aaaand...wings up
>"Anon - How, wh - why? What?"
>Twilight is trying to form mouth sounds
>Aww
"Talk later, run now!"
>The girls all nod at your crotch
>Damnit, my eyes are up here
>And turn to bolt out the cave entrance
>"A-ANON! THERE'S ONE ON YOUR BACK!"
>Wait no
>RD launches herself at Taco
>Serenely, like a zen master, a single chitinous hoof lazily reaches forward
>[spoiler]*boop*[/spoiler]
>Nose scrunched, Rainbow flips backwards, landing on her hooves - but in a daze
>"C-combat boops?!"
>Ok, seriously?!
"No time no time"
>You reach down and scoop Rainbow up, holding her like a football
>He's at the 50
>the 40
>the 30
>NO ONE WILL CATCH HIM
>At the speed of zebras you all leap out of the cave, skidding down the steep slope a couple hundred meters
"Fuck - FUCK, let's just go let's go-"
>Nobody argues
>Nobody says anything - even Rainbow
>You all focus on just running
>Daring flies ahead, leading you all ...somewhere
>After a few short minutes, you reach the bottom of the mountain - and see a chariot, tucked into the brush
>Wordlessly, you climb in, the pegasai hitching themselves to the reigns
>As soon as the last hoof touches the platform - WHOOSH
>You're off
>....you're off. 
>heh.
"Hahaha!"
>You start laughing, and soon everyone joins in
>Wow, what a fucking RUSH
>Relief, excitement, adrenaline -
>"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!"
>A pissed, large, slightly-glowing bug-hoers slams into your carriage
>Ok, just adrenaline now

"AAAAAAAAAAH-"
>You scream
>Totally not like a little girl
>Surprisingly, your herd matches your pitch
>Huh. Almost harmonized there for a mo-
>"I WILL HUNT YOU FOREVER AND LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST"
>Bughorse begins half-climbing, half-destroying your chariot
>Purple and white magic lance out, but a gout of green fire eats it up
>fuuuuck
>You created this monster
>"GIVE ME YOUR FLESH-"
>Oooooh dear
>You're spooped
>2spooped even
>But you feel a gentle touch on your cheek
>Turning, you're met with a chitin hoof, gently tapping you on the nose
>*boop*
>....Taco's right
>You can do this
>The power was in you all along!
>You begin to concentrate, hard
>In your mind, you tie the headband with japanese-ish writing on it tight to your forehead
>Your eyes go white
>You think of all the injustice in the world
>of all those immigrants taking your jobs
>of Jackie Chan dying, and Nintento being without a leader
>of Hillary winning and being the first lich president
>Bile rises in your throat
>of wanting to remove kebab, but being unable to!
>of being promised the web, and having it taken away!
>of SJWs saying appreciation is appropriation
>of all those boyfriend-free girls out there that should just give you a chance!
>of this jerkops who's going to keep following you, even though you did nothing wrong!
>WEARING A SIGN IS NOT A CRIME
"REEEEEEEEEEEE-"
>You reach forward and grip Crysalis' skull in your hands
>Jet Li's spirit nods at you
>WAX ON, WAX OFF, MISTER MIYAGI
>GRASSHOPPER REMEMBERS HIS TRAINING
>"AAAAHHHHH-"
>Chrysalis' head glows white, and she starts flailing in your grip
>But your retard strength is legend
>You chant the words of power
"SONICHU IS MY OC DO NOT STEAL SEGA!"
>A thunderclap
>then
>...silence

>You are Daring
>Fuck, another perspective change?
>yes, but this is the last one for tonight, I swear
>You are Daring
>And you just watched your coltfriend bitch a demigod out of existance
>....why is this turning you on?


>To Recap:
>You are Daring
>You're flying a chariot with Rainbow Dash to GTFO of the changeling hive as fast as possible
>It's a beautiful, if not cloudy night
>And your coltfriend just bitched a hive-tyrant into a dried up husk
>....
>You turn to Rainbow Dash, who shrugs at you with wide eyes
>...
>shit when did you meet Anon
>What is his favorite color-
>OH CELESTIA WHAT IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY COME ON FUCKING REMEM-
>"Wh...wh..."
>Blinking, he looks around
>"What...I just felt like someone posted a rare pepe and... I just..."
>"Sshhh..."
>Fluttershy flies up and gently rubs his back, making a point to stay away from Taco
>"....Wowzers."
>For once you agree with the pink menace
>Silence falls on your group as you arc towards the castle
>"....hey."
>Everypony looks at Anon
>He wraps his arms around his torso
>"Uh... so... frozen tundra, at night, in the sky... I'm kinda freezing to death-"
>"O-oh! Oh no I totally forgot you don't have as thick a coat as we do-"
>Twilight begins spazzing out, per usual
>"I-I can create a fireball that can follow the chariot - it shouldn't consume the wood if I also coat that in resistance spell, but we have to make sure thgbtb-"
>Anon pushes his hand against her mouth, silencing her
>"I have... a, uh. A better idea."
>You see him sit down against the chariot's back, out of your sight
>Then the surprised faces of everypony
>Then they all walk for-
>You colt-snuggling senses are tingling
"H-Hey! HEY! Are you cuddling back there?!"
>".....n-noooo..."
>RD Huffs
>"We'll turn this chariot around I swear-"
"I mean it! N-no snuggling without us! We're the fluffiest!"
>the howl of the wind is the only response you get
>CELESTIA DAMN IT.
>all work and NO play
>With puffed cheeks and ruffled feathers, you come in for your final approach to the Crystal Empire
-----

>As you land the chariot, guardsponies rush up to check on you all
>In fact, you're all immediately separated, put in quarantine and given a pretty thorough medical procedure
>I guess to make sure there's no infiltrators that made it back
>Taco...uh, well. It went over about as well as you could expect
>Mares tried to rip the changeling from Anon
>Anon lift taco over his head
>after a few hops another mare would take her place
>Eventually he got it put in quarantine as well, instead of having it killed
>But you know what they say
>'Having a pet is how you know if you're ready for foals'
>And *grunt* honestly, if Anon is already going down that road without even heavy *mmf* petting first...
>You feel yet ANOTHER FUCKING COLD instrument poke your nethers
"Oi. Does your barn door swing that way? Cause, really sister-"
>"Ha fucking ha. Like this is what I wanted to do at 4AM today."
>The doctor looks up at you from your flank with a flat expression
>"Just, give it another few moments and we'll be good."
"So... wait, why are you checking my flank again?"
>She sighs. "Because although changelings can change their outer appearances, their innards don't follow the same metamorphosis. I know it's cold, but just...lie back and think of Shining Armor or something."
>Ugh
>Well... whatever. Shining Armor's fine... enough. I mean, you've had colts like him - cheerleaders - and, well... hmm
>Anon in a cheerleading outfit
>With those tight leggings going right up to his flan-
>*ding*
>"And we're good! Sorry, Ms. Do. Let me just pull this out and you're on your way."
>Well. Don't you feel like a pie. Stick a fork and see if I'm d-uuuugh~
>The probe is removed, and you shudder
"Let's... let's never speak of this again, ok?"
>"They don't pay me enough as it is."
"Heh, right."
>You lower your tail, shaking once more
"So... do you know what our plans are for the rest of the ni-"

>She gives you another flat and uncomfortable look
>The look of a doctor who's seen the most intimate part of a pony after just learning her name
>The look of someone who's been on call for far too long
>"Look. I don't know, and I really don't care. I'm going to go home, take a shot of boarbon, wake up and fuck my husband and then go to sleep."
>Yeesh
>You nod, and she opens the door. "Come on. Down the hall, to your left."
"Uh... what's that?"
>Damnit brain, stop
>"It's where we're holding your colt, Anony-"
>Before she can finish you're already in the hallway, gliding low to give you more speed
>Damnit ok ok uh, alright!
>A big door with "SPECIAL TESTING" on it
>winner winner haybacon dinner
>You rip the door open, and a sea of heads turn towards you
>"Daring! Over here!"
>Twilight's up front and center, waving at you to join her in...
>in...
"W-why's Anon in a padded room?!"
>You trot forward, pressing your hooves to the apparent one-way glass
>He looks at you
>no, at the window -
>"Get off of the window!"
>A mare pulls you back, glaring at you
>Glare on, bitch, I don't give a fuck
>You growl
"Why is my coltfriend in an observation deck?!"
>You feel a hoof on your back and turn to attac-
>Oh
>It's *her*
>"I-it's going to be ok, Daring. They're just making sure Taco didn't make him into a thrall. Just smile, ok?"
>The pink one speaks some wisdom
>Sighing, you accept her hug
"Yeah... yeah alright, I guess this makes sense, but isn't it overkill?"
>Ponka whispers [spoiler]"I felt e v e r y t h i n g."[/spoiler] before she pulls away
>You have the sourest look ever
>Twilight begins damage control
>"W-well, it makes sense... just. Magical scans only work so well on Stallions - we don't want to hurt them, yanno."
>"And could you imagine the outrage if we used a probe?" one of the lab-mares pipes up, and a few of them chuckle
>You plant your flank right where you're at, watching him
"Is... is he ok?"
>"So far."

"Well, that's ominous."
>You turn to the mare who said that - some background-lookin' whorse who adjusts her glasses smugly
>"Not at all. The last test is the hardest, though..."
"What does it do to him?"
>"To him? No. The last test is the hardest for us."
>What
>As you're about to question and/or beat the answers out of her, a door opens in the cell
>A mare in a hazmat suit walks in with a chipper smile
>"Hello Anon! I'm sorry for the delay - were the tea and snacks provided to your liking?"
>Your human sits up in his ...really comfy chair. "Yeah, for the most part. Lavender tea, though?"
>She laughs. "Haha, well, we're sorry about that! Now, as a final step, we have a short survey...."
>"Alright."
>Her smile falters. "C-could you please let us know your opinions on our process, as well as what we could fix? Also, we need to know what you'd want to change at your home - w-we're going to send you a consolation g-gift for your trouble..."
>Oh
>Fuck
>Now it makes sense as to why you're in a sealed observation deck
>You just asked a colt about what he felt
>AND you asked him to complain to you
>The hazmat mare looks longingly at the glass, nodding softly, before preparing herself
>She has accepted this beautiful death
>whereyoufallyourbodyshallbeburied.decree
>You unconsiously clench in preparation for the shitstorm - oh hey, the lubricant's really helpful here-
>NOT NOW BRAIN
>Right, right
>Everymare grimaces as he inhales deeply
>And sighs
>"No, not really. I understand what's going on here, and it makes sense."
>. . .
>Everypony looks at each other
>The Hazmat mare still hasn't opened her eyes or unclenched her jaw
>You hear a button being pressed, and the PA comes on
>*tchk*"Anonymous, are you sure? Nothing at all to say to us?" *tchk*
>He ponders for a moment
>"Mmmm... no, not really. I think I got it all out of my system on the ride here."
>. . .
>Everyone sighs collectively
>Rarity beams. "Well, that's our Anonymous! A Gentlecolt through and throu-"

>>24027163
>"Though, I'm curious."
>Oh no
>"Why are you in a Hazmat suit? Am I dangerous?"
>Oh no oh no
>"W-well, w-we just don't w-want to take any precaution-eer, I mean, we want to take EVERY precaution, a-and"
>"But you didn't have a suit on when you patted me down-"
>wat
>"-and then rubbed lotion on my back-"
>What
>"-and my front."
"WHAT?"
>You and your herd collectively roar, turning on the labponies
>"N-now now there's a very scientific reason for getting all hoovsie with your colt-"
"Like WHAT?!"
>"Y'all better explain' yersel-"
>"I'll bucking RUIN you, darlin-"
>"D-did you record it by any chan-"
>"I can kill you with MY MIND-"
>You are a wee bit distracted with your blind rage 
[spoiler]>The door opens in the hazard chamber, and Cadence steps in confidently
>"Also, why is- oh. Hey, Sherbert."
>"Sherbert? I don't .... Oh, I'm sorry - am I interrupting something? I thought he was cleared."
>The hazmat mare begins to shake
>Oh, too bad newbie
>You picked the wrong day to come to work
>"I'm fine. Can I go?"
>She nods. "Mmm, sure thing. Shining's already got your suite prepared - just follow me."
>And with that, Anon walks out of the room.[/spoiler]
>And are not paying attention
>So by the time that you finish throttling the labmares around you
>(nothing bonds girls like a good fight)
>You notice that Anon's gone
>And Cadence is now standing in the doorway with the most perpexed look on her face
>"Uhm... am I interrupting anything?"
>Ok one liner witty one liner
"Yeah. Their retirement party."
>. . .
>5/10 for fuck's sake don't brain while tired.
>"....right, well. Instead of beating the help, would you like to go to your colt?"
>Oooh, best option
"Yes, right, let's do that."

>You are Daring
>You've rescued your colt from the clutches of an evil changeling queen single-hoofedly!
>As long as you ignore your herd, the guardsponies who gave you your equipment, the Prince who sent you in the right direction, his network of spies that told you how to break in or your colt confounding the hive and delivering the final blow to the evil bughoers herself
>....
>Eh, you write the books, you make the history.
>What's important is that Princess Cadence Mi Amore Cadenza is leading you to where your colt is located
>Riiiight down the wing of the castle reserved for foreign dignitaries
>swanky
>Oh shit she's talking
>"-ttle shaken up, but don't worry about it. Also, I sent Shiny in to ah... help him set the mood for you."
>wat


"Wait, uh - can you repeat that again?"
>Cadence smirks, wiggling her flank
>That's NOT what distracted you
>"I said - for those of us paying attention - that your colt, Anonymous, seemed a little shaken up, but was recovering nicely. I left Shiny in with him to... help him get ready for you."
>Get ready
>Like... wait, like sharing-a-bedroom-getting-ready?!
>You feel your face get hot as your mind races
>And dis mare
>Dis wingmare right here just smiles that fucking smile at you
>"....maybe, maybe not that far just yet. I'll leave that up to you - and him - to deal with."
>"Well, that won't be a problem for us, Cadence." Twilight says, coyly pulling one of the ointment bottles from under her wing
>Cadence puffs out her cheeks. "That was ONE TIME, and we had already been together for months! You know that stuff is not a toy-"
>"I know, I know."
>Your desire to know more intensifies
>You hear a door unlock from down the hall, and a white flank slowly walks out
>....OH RIGHT, it's attached to a pony
>"-fine. You'll be just fine. And you can keep the centerpiece as an apology!"
>You hear a muffled voice - sounds like your Anon - and then the door shuts
>"....he'll be fiiii-OH." Shining turns his head towards your group and smiles wide. "Well hey there! And here I thought my wife bought me 30 minutes to prep the poor dear."
>"I-It's been 30 min-"
>"Twenty seven. Anyway. You go on in and uh... don't push him, alright? He's had a hard night."
>"Yeah he has~"
>You turn to look who in your group said that, but everypony's looking at the walls or ceiling
>....hmm
>"....anyway. I, uh. Wow this is awkward. Have fun, little sister...?"
>Oh that cringe
"Yeah ok let's just uh... thanks!"
>Shining nods and quickly trots away. "You coming, dear?"
>"Mmm, sure!" 
>Cadence turns to your herd and winks. "Just so you know... the suites are soundproof. Have fun~"
>Awww yes
>Twilight has a mix of lust and disgust on her face
>....yeah right this has to be awkward as fuck for her

>"...sooooooo not that I was the only pony here who's curious, buuuuuut~"
>The pink one dares to speak in a sing-song voice, making this all the more awkwa-
>"What's in the bottle?"
>...you're alright, ponk.
>"Oh, right. Here, girls - a little dab will do ya."
>She magics out 6 other bottles, and you find a body-temperature bottle of lotion in your hoof
>Uh. Eww.
>"So... an' not that ah don't trust ya, Twi, just.. ah don't rub unknown lotions on mah body. Not again."
>Well there's a story there
>Twilight giggles. "Cadence used this stuff when she came over to visit my brother all the time - at first I thought it was just how she smelled, right? But... it's actually got a touch of magic in it. See?"
>Twilight upends the bottle, squeezing out the most perfect of dabs onto a hoof
>And then she vigorously applies it to her chest
>...
>Well that was weird.
>You all stare at her, and she slowly breaks out into a sweat. "I-I don't get it - it's supposed t-"
>*pomf*
>Everyone looks at the pegasai on instinct before an adorkable "Eeeee!" snaps your attention back to purplehoers
>And
>....
>If you had sunglasses, you'd take them off
>Her chest tuft has... poofed out - grown - from this small fluff to a wild, untamed bush
>holy shit
>It's so...so perfect!
>"It worked! I-I knew it! I just, oh wow, I can't believe-"
>*pbtbpbtbptpbtpbltbptbptlbt-*
>Everyone turns to Rainbow, who's emptied out the entire bottle onto her hoof
>"No Dash! NO-"
>"Witness me become Alpha as Fuck!" With a wet slap RD smacks her chest, beginning to rub the lotion all over her front
>"Yeah... nah. Ahm' good." Applehoers says, fluffing up her natural tuft with a hoof
>You uncap your bottle
>You're not intimidated! N-not at all!
>Just... it's not cheating, right?
>You put a little dab on your hoof and begin to rub it into your chest, noting most of the other girls following suit
>"Haha. Come on, girls! Up your game! Or, you don't mind sitting on the sidelines while I rest on his la-PPFH"

>You all stand there, stunned
>Rainbow dash just kinda... exploded?
>I mean, she's still there, but....
>"Faahfla-ihf ih mah maaaff-"
>*snrk*
>Everypony is desperately trying not to bust out laughing
>You're gonna pull something if you keep it in much longer
>"Haaaap! Nnnnnh! Twilih, haaap!"
>The cotton-ball with wings stamps it's hooves - you think - but it sways angrily from side to side
>Fuck
>You lose it - and once you lose it, everypony else does
>You laugh so hard, you don't hear the other *pompfs* of tufts becoming luxurious
>After about 5 minutes of straight-up losing it, you compose yourself
>You can tell Rainbow so mad - she's not talking to anyone, just standing there infront of the door
>...it's the pillar beside the door, but you're not going to correct her
>Watching her knock on it and wait for an answer is just too priceless-
>*Clack* 
>The ACTUAL door opens, and Anon sticks his head out
>"Hey, what's the... uh. Well."
>Arch the back, spread the front, turn the head to the side-
>Yes you even feel a slight breeze from somewhere make your tuft rustle ever so softly
>"....huh. You girls look...good."
>Y-YES. YES IT WORKED!
>FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU
>"H-hah Anoh. How you doih?"
>Anon looks past you to Rainbow, and you see him immediately grin, then try to force it down
>He fights it for a few moments
>"H-hey... R-rainball puff."
>You hear her whine 
>Aww, poor girl. Shamed infront of yo herd and yo stallion
>Biting his lip, Anon opens the door wide. "Well... come on i-in. And AJ, just... just bring Dash in with you. I'll get the brush."
>You walk in...to one of the nicest rooms you've ever seen
>And I mean, it's so nice you'd think twice before stealing anything!
>Everything just... goes together so well
>"Hey uh, so... snacks are on the table..."

>Anon wraps his bathrobe (!) tightly around his body, walking to the back of the suite
>"I'll get something to help with the uh... fluff problem."
>"W-wait. Anon, the snack table is the one with the giant black c-"
>He cuts off Rarity. "Y-yeah! Yeah. That's also apparently a gift for us, once we go home. Though, I don't know what I'm going to do with a giant black-"
>"Oh hey, those little rolly-sandwiches! Don't mind if ah do!"
>AJ begins to dig right in, and your stomach agrees with such flawless logic
>So your herd, minus RD, begin to pick at the spread presented
>....awful lot of vanilla, chocolate, walnuts, pomegranates, asparagus, honey, figs and avocados on the table
>almost as if someprincess was trying to help you out
>....godspeed, best wingmare. Godspeed.
>So after some snacking and last-minute preening, You find yourself sitting on a soft, princess-sized bed
>Your head resting on anon's bare leg
>That bitch Rainbow did get his lap - but only for brushies. Once her mane was tamed it was off to the side
>Still. You claimed this leg - there are many legs like it, but this one is yours!
>Pinkie Pie sticks her tongue out from her position on his other leg
>Now is not the time to be divisive! We're royally fucked here
>And not the good kind!
>"S-so... I-I mean, I uh. A-are you r-really comfortable with t-this?" Fluttershy stammers out, Anon's hand gently running through her mane 
>"Yeah...I think so. Shining told me a lot about... how touch is important, especially for dating, and... well. I think it's time we did get to know each other better, if we're going to make this a thing."
>"Y-yeah, o-ok. Makes a-alot of s-sense. B-but... but, ah. Did you h-have to wear that?"
>With a gentle clink, Anon shifts on the bed. "Oh, the iron chastity belt? Yeah. I mean, Cadence said y'all wouldn't mind - respecting my boundaries and such."
>You've never held a more pained smile of agreement in your life
>That two-faced bitch will pay
>you're gonna steal EVERYTHING

>You awaken with a start
>Hmmm. Black formless void stretching into eternity
>Either the world didn't load, or you're DREAMING again
>But you are Anon, and you are prepared
>Shining is the broest of bros
>I mean...sure, finding that proper middle ground for your girlfriends took a little bit of brainpower
>But it's not like he was really into getting his sister laid
>...you smell marinara
>huh
>Well, seeing as you have some time before your nightly visit, you decide to spruce up the place a bit
>A revolving, vibrating heart bed should be a good start
>You FOCUS and materialize the cheesiest 80's porno bed you could think of
>Perfect
>--ster.....r...not...-afe."
>Ah. That must be your "Marely Guardian", here to hamfistedly flirt with you as you hallucinate vividly
>The only reason you haven't told anyone about her nightly... attempts is because she can't fully control your dreams
>So at any moment you can pull the bottom out and have a good ol' fashioned crazy human dream
>Good times, good times
>But usually she didn't talk when she tried to invade your-
>"-ardless, ....a colt. Kindness will do wo...not force."
>Waitaminute
>That's another voice
>She brought backup?!
>Damn. This just made your plan all the better
>You light floating candles with your mind
>Gotta get the mood right
>Speaking of -
>In one quick, Jim Carrey-esque move you fling your entire suit off, quickly hopping under the covers
>Hmm. Maybe...
>snapping your fingers, you now have a nice brushing of oil all over your body
>All over
>....that's some lubrica-
>"Here. Anonymous, art thou h~*"
>Luna materializes into your dreamscape, like a mirage made form
>And judging by the blush on her face, is quick to recognize lewd
"Why... yes. Yes I am here."
>"Hhhhhhhhhh-"
>Haha yes
>"L-luna?! You can't just disappear on me like thaaaaaahhhh~"
>Oh
"And... good evening to you, Celestia. To what do I owe the honor of the Diarchy in my bedroom?"

>*pomf*
>*pomf*
>Haha wingboners in stereo
>"Hhhaa~?" Coughing, Luna composes herself. "Hast thou... hast thou given in to our advances at last? Will ye finally allow us to put thee in thy place?!"
>"L-Luna! What do you mean, at last-"
>"Sister, we told thee! The art of seduction by pestering, stalking and forced inevitability does produce love!"
>Celestia gives Luna a flat look. "That's stockhorse syndrome, Luna."
>" 'Tis the same thing!"
>ok, pokerface time
"Yes, fair Luna! I have succumbed to the inevitable, and give myself to you - now in dream, but soon in reality~"
>Ok, come on community college acting classes
>All that time the director made you put on tights and bend over for him better be fucking paying off right n-
>"Huzzah! Our first non-fiction coltfriend!" Luna cheers, stomping her medium-sized hoofsies in glee
>You can barely contain yourself as well
"Come! Take me now!"
>"WITH ZEAL!" Luna yells, using her magic to fling the blanket off your body
>Her smile doesn't falter
>It's more like her eyes.... just aren't comprehending what's going on infront of her
>Celestia's looking at you, at her sister, then at *it*, over and over again
>"Wh.... what is-"
"Oh, this?"
>You tap the hard metal on your hip
"Surely this little thing means nothing to a big, strong alicorn such as yourself~"
>Seriously, Shining was the broest of bros
>All you had to do was throw his wife under the bus just a little bit but... eh
>You don't mind stirrin' the pot now and then
>"N-nay... NAY! 'Tis only a finite and flimsy barrier between our INFINITE AND REAL LOVE-" She yells the last bit while trotting over to you, looking directly at her sister
>Her horn glows, and the chastity belt quickly glows a deep blue
>Then
>nothing
>"Wh-what?"
"I uh...I think it's magic-proof, M'lady."
>"Th-THEN WE SHALL BREAK IT ON OUR HOOF!"
"And risk hurting your true love~?"
>She scrunches at that
>You roll over, motioning to the oversized padlock on the back

>"Y-yes! We shall crush-"
>You give her a flat look
>"-eer. Pick this lock and have you out post haste!"
>You smile and lay face down on the bed, hiking up your hips
>Just like your uncle taught you
>....not like that. You lived when the bears attacked, thanks to his advic-
>Know what, nevermind
>Luna attempts to materialize some lockpicking tools
>But... it's as if SOMETHING is stopping her from using her magic
>the pokerface is strong with you
>"Cel- Tia, dearest sister, does your magic work?"
>"Uh... well, hold on. Chisel. Chisel. Chiiiiisel~"
>Her horn sparks up and glows a radiant gold... but to no avail
>She gives a horsey shrug
>"B-but... but tonight - tonight you were to give - N-no!"
>Luna looks like she's going to cry
>Aww. No tears, not yet
>Time to have an epiphany
"You.. you know, you could always use that."
>You point to her
>She points at herself
>You motion up
>"M-MY HORN?!"
"Well, I mean... the keyhole is large enough..."
>You wiggle your hips
>How bad does she want iiiit-
>"F-fine. FINE. WE SHALL DO THIS AND BED THEE HARD."
>With flourish, she hops onto the bed, lowering her head right down to your flank
>And you feel the *tink tink* of a horn desperately trying to tumble some pins
>Well. You didn't expect an audience for this, but.... the ride must never end
>With a subtle wave of your hand, the bed begins to vibrate and rotate slowly
"So...Celestia. How are things?"
>*tink* *tink*
>"Uh... f-fine. Court was a bit long today-"
>She turns her head to look away, blushing hard
>No no no. Witness me.
>*tink* *tink*
"Celestia, is something wrong? Look at me, hon."
>She darts her eyes back at you, then away to the ceiling
>...can't have that
>Summoning the power of 1980's pornography, you start to place mirrors on the ceiling and walls
>Yeeeeessss there is no escape
>*tink* *tink*
>She stomps her hooves as you rotate
"Well. You know, maybe we should all have a picnic or something. The weather is usuall-ngh. Hold on."

>You turn back towards Luna, who has her eyes crossed and her tongue sticking out
>"Al...almost.... blasted contraption-"
"Hey. Luna."
>She looks up at you, horn-deep in your lock
>l-lewd
"You have to earn it. To live it, breathe it - need it. To want to be the little colt, understand?"
>"I....I do. I will do this! FOR US!"
>*tinktinktink*
>You turn back to look at Celestia as the bed rotates once more
"...So yeah. A picnic. What do you think?"
>She mumbles something in response, screwing her eyes shut
"S-sorry? Say that again?"
>"yesiwouldlikethatverymuch."
>Haha. You poor bitch - wrong place, wrong time.
"Wonderful! So... I mean, just looking outside, it seems like I'm going to wake up soon...-"
>"N-NAY! WE STILL HAVE T-"
>*click*
>Luna inhales deeply, and starts to shake
>Out of joy, if her expression is any indication
>"HUZZAH! THOU ART FREED!"
>With a quick flick of her head, your back lock is removed from the chastity belt and flung hard to the side
>"AND NOW, OUR PRIZE!"
>Don't move
>Don't snicker
>Just let it happen
>You feel her pawing at your waist
>Gently at first
>Then more and more frantically
>"Wh-what?! WHAT IS THIS?! W-We freed you! WE FREED YOU!"
>Chuckling, you slide out from under her, sitting on the edge of the bed
>Turning, you grin
>Her expression is one of hurt shock and confusion, and you relish in it 
"Damn, you're a dumb one. Since when would a chastity belt be worn with a big-ass padlock on the back?"
>You point to your hips - to the two, smaller locks that, yanno. Hold the damn thing together.
"But good on you. I felt that passion, that fire - it was good stuff, good stuff."
>"N-no... no! Th-tha'ts - that's not - TIA! TIIIAAAA~"
>You turn to Celestia, who's buried her face in her hooves
>"Ugh... Anonymous, why.... just why."
>Standing up, you walk over to her, patting her withers
"Hey, there there. Know what would help?"
>She looks up at you with teary eyes.
"Insane human dreams."
>And then the walls were screaming jello