"Daring Douche 2: Dragnet (WIP)"
By brandnewwritefag (https://pastebin.com/u/brandnewwritefag)

URL: https://pastebin.com/dSiqwp6F
Created on: Friday 7th of April 2017 07:04:01 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 1 of November 2020 04:41:27 AM UTC


>"No."
"Mmm."
>"Nonny, ahm' serious-"
>You rest your hand on Applejack's cheek, gently nudging her out of the way
>"W-we can get whatever it is you need tomorrow, Anon. We can all go together an-"
"Flutterbutt, girls, come on. It's been like, 5 hours and I'm sick of this shit. Let me just go-"
>You feel a tight, vice-like grip on your legs, and look down to two bright blue, wet eyes. "NoooOoooOoOOOOooo~"
>Sighing, you let your arms hang at your sides - which your pegasai mares take as an opportunity to form voltron on you
>You're apparently the very warm core now
>Also known as ANON, THE DELICATE LITTLE FLOWER
>And it's been about 3 days since your tomato incident
>Your completely harmless, somewhat tasty tomato incident. No matter what you say or do, your herd now refuses to let you out of their sight.
>On one hand, it's nice having the girls around so much - you really get to have some good conversations and learn about their pasts and really... just bond
>They also help around your house, sprucing it up to be a little more pone-friendly
>And they're more than happy to help with some of the houseprojects you've been meaning to knock out
>It really *is* useful having a mare aroun-
>You grumble internally at the realization 
>Fuck. This place is getting to you
>On the other hand, they're fucking everywhere around you all the time forever
>At first it was SUPER COMFY
>But then they wanted to follow you into the kitchen... every time
>And hang out with you on the couch when you wanted to read... every time
>And make sure you were escorted everywhere - even to your mailbox... every time
>You had to draw the line with 'helping you bathe' or 'watching you poop' but, knowing the girls, there was probably a secret hole or two-way mirror now installed

[spoiler]>N-not like you posed while drying off or anything, b-baka[/spoiler]
>You had to be adamant and put your foot down when they wanted to help you and a few of the guys burn the traditional "welcome, You're such a great ADDITION to our town" plusses infront of Zecora's booth
>It's called "GUY'S Night Out" for a reason, girls!
>Anyway
>You've been fighting with your herd all morning - with a lunch break mind you - and now into the early afternoon over
>Get this
>Going to the ponice station to fill out a report.
>Yeah. Going to the most secure little building in the middle of town is super-deadly
>"But that doesn't mean you won't get foalnapped on the way there, Nonners! Someone was hunting for YOU! Besides, paperwork is terrifying-"
>You wiggle your feet, gently tummy-booping Pinkie
"First, ponko, what have I told you about reading minds?"
>"Sooooo-rrrryyy~"
"Mmm. Second, I've been in this town now for over a year or so. I'm physically stronger than a majority of ponies-"
>"But not all of them, Anon!"
>A monochrome mane floods your vision as Daring Do hover-nuzzles your front, gently alighting onto your chest
>Finally finishing forming your pega pony power armor
>"Trust me! There are some jungle tribes that even *I* don't tangle with - there are some in the Amarezonian whose colts can even beat a grown mare into a pulp! And you're not trained in any form of self-defense-"
"I don't need self-defense when I've got THESE GUNS-"
>You pull your arms from your side and flex your MASSIVE BICEPS
>in your mind.
>In reality you start to struggle against your pegaponypowerarmor, which only encourages them to tighen up
>Come on, you can beat two ponies!
>I mean, one of them is an athlete, so...
>You focus on the arm Fluttershy is clamped down on
"-THESE.... GUNNNNSSS~"
>Come on you fuck
>COME ON IT'S YOUR RIGHT ARM - SWIFT, JERKING MOTIONS IS ALL IT'S GOOD FOR
>YOU HAVE TRAINED CEASELESSLY ALL YOUR LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT

>You miss the look your mares are giving each other as you focus all your inner chi on your right fucking arm
>You imagine circles of power eminating from your hand
>It burns with an awesome power
"-UUUUUUNNNNSSSS~"
>"A-anon, love, please-"
"UUUUHHH- HOW. HOW?"
>A purple head peeks around the corner, looking you up and down with a soft smile. "Well, firstly, Rainbow Dash is an athlete-"
>Sighing, you relax your muscles, staring nonplussed at Twilight
"Yeah, but Flutters? The sentient, soft downy pillow of the group?"
>"H-hey, I am not soft! I am p-padded and c-cold weather r-resistan-"
>"-I mean, to be fair she does wrestle bears, Anon."
>You blink and then look at Fluttershy, who mumbles softly into your shoulder as she makes eye contact with you
>"...s-sometimes Mr. Bear doesn't take his medicine..."
>You sigh
>"... so like I was saying, Anon. You could get foalnapped, you could get hurt or even raped out there!"
"I'm not totally defensel-"
>"Anon you can't even shake off a small frolic of ponies; you don't have the muscle density to-"
>Your eyes go wide
"Are you saying-"
>Twilight continues, talking slightly over you
>"I'm just saying you don't train - you're not strong enou-"
>THIS LITTLE HORSE JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T LIFT
>DO IT! DIG DEEP
"HUUUUUUUU-"
>As one your group sighs
>"Anon, babe, come on, it's no-OOAHAAOOOH~"
>Rainbow's complaint dies in her throat as you dig in deep and find that special kernel, that spark of light that makes man dominant on his own home and on every planet he treads upon
>That special thing that makes all of mankind unique
>That regardless of species we come across, regardless of time, culture or even ethics
>We will always have the ability to [spoiler]twist teats on demand[/spoiler]
>Rainbow moans and fidgets on your left arm, before growling and biting your shirt
>But the most important thing is that her hooves have released from your sides, now gripping your arm properly
>Which means you can move it

>You look at Fluttershy again, and she eeps softly as she feels your arm turn against her belly, hand splayed against her crotch
>She relents
"There, see? Stronger than pones-"
>"Anon that proves nothing."
"Daring. It's Ponyville-"
>"So?! IT HAPPENED ALREADY."
"And I'm just saying, I lived quite alone before you pones came into my life-"
>"And that thought keeps me up at night, Anon! Based on my observations of our time with you, Before us you had a 68% chance of daily accidents-"
"-I'm all arms and legs-"
>"-a 21% chance to lose contents in your messenger bag when you went out-"
"Look, none of your horse clothing has pockets in it and sometimes I forget-"
>"-and a 7.0408% likelyhood that your background ara-ara-ing at townsponies' antics could rip the fabric of space asunder, plunging all of Equestria into the gibbering maw of the blind idiot god! And that's higher than during my battle with Discord!"
>Your lightning-quick mind comes up with the most delicious comeback
>You fight the mighty desire to cover your mouth and fufufu like a faggot
>Focus on the prize, anon
"I mean, it's small enough to be harml-"
>" My calculations are within two Standard Deviations, Anon."
"So-"
>"STANDARD. DEVIATIONS. ANON."
>You throw up your hands - which means you basically raise the asses of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to the ceiling - in exasperation
"For Fuck's sake, girls! I can't be housebound forever-"
>There's a pause
>...
>You don't like this pause
"No."
>"Now Anon, We can do some really interesting things with illusory magi-"
"No."
>Twilight scrunches up, sitting down with a hearty *fwump* onto the hardwood floor
>"W-we just wanna protect you, nonners~"
>You look down at Ponkapo
>She looks up at you, her eyes sparkling with honest joy
>"You're my special ingredient~"
>NNNNGGGHHH
>You sigh, trying to mask how hard that hit you
>It's like trying to mask a fart with a cough
>Ineffective, at best
>Draws attention to you, at worst

>Your mares 'awww' softly, with a stage-whispered 'gottem' eminating from your knees
>Damn you, ponka po.
"Look. We have to come up with some sort of compromise, ok? I may not be an independent stallion no mo, but I sure as shit won't be escorted for the rest of my life-"
>AJ sighs
>"Ahnon, none of us are tryin' to shadow ya yer whole life; but there is somethin' goin on, and ah just wish you weren't such a hardheaded colt an' could see that!"
>Silence falls over your family again
>Rarity clears her throat
>"If you all would stop arguing for just a few moments, I have an idea."
* * *
"This is dumb."
>"It is not."
"This is dumb and it makes me feel like I'm 5."
>"Well you're very handsome and loved for a 5 year old - who knows? Maybe you'll grow up to be someone-"
"This is dumb and it's gonna backfire and then you're all gonna feel stupid-"
>Rainbow Dash floats next to you, her face fighting *so hard* to keep from breaking into a grin
>"I-I... I thi-hhh, it's great-"
>Biting her lower lip, she lands, turning away
>But you see her body shaking
>You know what's going on
[spoiler]>Someone's gonna get twisted tonight[/spoiler]
>You sigh, feeling another strap get magically tightened across your stomach
>"Hehe, I think it's super-duper, Nonny! Gives us urf ponies enough hoofholds to climb onto you and protect you from all angles!"
"Pinkie, you just want to use me as a jungle gym and get your scent all over my body-"
>"So? Two butterflies, one net Anon!"
>You grumble softly
>"I-I think it's a wonderful solution, Anonymous. I like hanging out with you."
>You look at flutters flatly
"Thanks. You're the good horse."
>"Eeeeeeee~"
>Fluttershy pulls the leash she's holding in her hoof up to her neck, nuzzling it happily
>See, at first, when Rarity broke out the harness and the leashes, you thought the answer was group sex
>Which, let's face it, is a pretty good answer
>But no.
						
>The answer was to apparently put you in "an innovative contraption I've seen Minotaur bulls use to manage their rambunctious calves with"
>AKA a fucking toddler harness
>But don't worry kids, it gets 'better'
>You have 7 leashes - all attached to a particular strap on your harness
>And each one of your mares has a leash
>So, technically, you're free to meander about
>You just have this... bubble of mares that follow you
>It's like a dog walker, except, yanno
>not.
"This is going to backfire and cause a raid wipe and then you're gonna get kicked from the guild-"
>Twilight smiles to herself, lowering a clipboard. "Hoenstly, Anon, this is a brilliant-"
>"Thank youuu~" Chimes Rarity from the dining room, putting away her raw materials
>"-and elegant solution to our problem-"
>"Oh darling, nibble the clit~" Rarity stage-moans from the room over, her little theatre performance earning her a few magic-paper-ball-missiles
>"-pony's sake, Rarity! Anyway. This is a good idea Anon - I've run the numbers-"
"Never tell me the odds, C3P0."
>"-en percent chance of any minor injury, and only a one-point-eight percent chance of an injury resulting in any form of semipermanent bodily harm!"
>You look down at the beaming unicorn as she slides her pencil under the clip and then tucks the clipboard under her wing triumphantly, looking at you with the knowing smile of the right
>You look down on her with the potent gaze of the cynic
>She doesn't flinch
>"Ffffhfhfhf. Yhh thwo shd juhh fuhk ahrehy~"
>Twilight flicks her ear at Ponka po, the only pony properly positioned at the primary portal to ponyville
>aka the front door
>She can't stop cantering in place, spitting out her leash uh... hoofhold(?) from her mouth.
>"Because it's WALKIES, Anon!"
>You purse your lips
"...you all have pets already, though."

>Pinkie rolls her eyes. "Well yeah, but we can't make it uncomfortably lewd with *them*. That's just silly. Now~" She lids her eyes, puckering her lips to blow you a quiet kiss. "Come to Mistress Pinkie, let her walk you~"
>The house is totally silent
>"Th' beans in that mare..." AJ leans over to Rainbow, whispering ever so gently
>The silence hangs but for a moment until you walk over to Ponka
>She grins widely until you pull the leash from her mouth - and quick as a flash you're upon her
>"N-Nonny, no! NOT LIKE THIS~"
>A loop here
>A twist there
>"I created you - I can destr-"
>A boop-and-scrunch to seal the deal
>And now, tied up in your own leash, Ponka po proudly parades a pretty pink pony personal portable platform
>You take advantage of the sheer absurdidy of what's going on by picking her up and tying the final loop into your belt
>She's now carried on you like a sidearm
>"But my aalllpphhaaanneeeessss~"
>She squirms for a few moments, but since she's now your sidearm you reach down and start rubbing her ears
>"Nnnhgaaaaahh~"
>So that's the sound of her lizard brain taking over
>As she tries to bite your wrist while batting your arm in her hooves, you open the door and start on your way into town
* * * * *
>"Afternoon, Anon!"
"Uh... H-hi, Thunderlane."
>"Hey Anon~!"
"Caramel, good to see you."
>". . ."
"You're the good one, Big Mac."
>He nods at you as you pass by his stall
>So far, operation SEXY DANDELION has gone off without a hitch
>Minus the mare-gap that your pinkieholster has created
>(which only increased injury by 4.8%)
>nopony was able to come too close to you
>One of your girls would kindly intercept and shoo away - it was very effective, you have to admit
>Doesn't help that you still feel like a toddl-
>Oh
>Your hips jerk a bit to the side, turning to suddenly catch AJ's gaze 
>"Ah! Ahm' sorry, Anon - I was just tryin' to get Applebloom's attention"
"Salright, uh-"
>You slow down just a bit, walking towards the orange apple

"Do you want to quickly swing by, I mean, we co-oOHF."
>There's another sharp jerk
>The complaints of three mares
>And the meaty thud of pegasus-on-dirt of a fourth
>As one your group stops
"Alright, how are we doing this-"
>Fluttershy, RD, Twilight, Daring and Ponka all respond at once
>"The alpha mare leads-"
>Oh
>You grin as the girls all look at each other; they share looks ranging from astonishment and shock to downright disbelief
>most of them are surprised that fluttershy included herself - but none are probably more surprised than flutershy herself
>If her sudden interest in hiding under her wings in the middle of the street is any indication, of course
>You clear your throat
"Um. Instead of... whatever this is probably going to be, how about the guy leads?"
>AJ chuckles and you kick a pebble in her direction
"No, I'm serious! Girls up front and above keep slack, girls behind know where we're headed so they keep slack as well - it works."
>"Mmmmmmm I dunno, Non-"
>Without looking you reach down and boop Ponka again, silencing her
"It's what we're doing. Happy guyfu happy lifu~"
>Groaning, the girls retake their positions, muttering amongst themselves
>"-but seriously, we can't let that stubborn streak keep happening-"
>"-I know, Daring, but let's just let him win this one; we've asked a lot-"
>Hmph.
>Poppa 'Non didn't raise no doormat!
>He also didn't raise no horsefucker, so....
>Rainbow Dash takes this opportunity to stretch, noticing your gaze had fallen on her in thought
>She doesn't break eye contact
>eh. 
>Sorry Dad, bronze star
>There was an attempt
>You start walking again as one - and you quickly notice Fluttershy isn't moving

>Upon closer inspection she's actually passed out - you can't tell if that's just due to shock or if since she covered her head with her wings, she thought it was night and needed to go to bed
>Pegahorses are weird, yo
>so after a few quick and gentle moments, you're now sporting a pegasus sidearm on your hip as well
>Dual-hand booping on demand and in public
>thepower.greyskull
>and you continue on your way
* * *