"Daring Douche 14: Operation: Get Fucked" By brandnewwritefag (https://pastebin.com/u/brandnewwritefag) URL: https://pastebin.com/UVud9bBk Created on: Saturday 13th of December 2014 03:14:44 PM CDT Retrieved on: Sunday 1 of November 2020 04:43:05 AM UTC >You are Daring Do >Awaking from a really fucking weird dream with a start >You almost roll off the cloud >almost >Adventurer Reflexes +6 >You look around - it's dusk, just about when you should be meeting the girls - and Anon - for a night on the town >Apparently one of the mares employs him, and gave him Monday off with pay, so he can drink tonight >Stallions get it all, srsly >You stretch again, doing that wing stretch that all mares just know how to do >huh, deja vu >And you're off! Gliding around town at the speed of yawn >Your keen senses hone in on your prey >More like "you see really frickin obvious rainbow contrail and decide to follow it" >But that's not what you're gonna tell your biographers >nope. Adventurer superpowers. Sells more action figures that way >Or "Collectible Figurines" for the mares still living in momma's basement >You see your group - apparently Dash just landed and made her intro >Time to totally one-up her >You go in for your dive, but FUCK SHE JUST LIFTED OFF AGAIN >PROBABLY TO DO SOME IDIOTIC STUNT DAMNIT >You slow down as hard as you can >She sees you and tries to do the same >Fluttershy covers her mouth >Applejack has this look of utter joy on her face >Rarity is cringing >Twilight is trying to shield Anon's eyes from this horror >Thank you >You slow-motion collide just as Pinkie Pie takes a picture >Fuck >So after the embarassing laughter of two mares >And shaking the dust off >You say hai to the group >Dash is conflicted - she was just shamed, sure, but she got an impromptu bear-hug from her idol >So... net plus? >You see Anon trying not to laugh >Ok. I see how it is >Dash tries to walk towards him but you stick a hoof out >You look at her with a grin, and she doesn't get it >You get close >Uncomfortably close >And you >start >preening >her >She gets the hint, and soon the two of you are licking and muzzling each other's wings clean >This is kinda hot >staring a peek at Anon, he thinks so too >from laughter to blushing hard in 2.5 seconds >Nice >....Dash's scent is also nice. Like wet stone and cold air, crisp an- >Hey now brain. One herdmate at a time >Kaaay >So after that double-awkward intro, you decide to break the ice "Alright! So now that we're presentable, what's this joint we're going to?" >Applejack points at the bar. "S' right here. It's th' Salty Stallion - They've got booths, a stage for live music an' a record player, ifn' you want to pay the bits." >You nod at twilight. Not too bad. >Rarity walks infront of the group, grabbing the door with her magic. >"After you, good sir." She does a little bow >OH WOW GENTLEMARE STATUS CONFIRMED >If you had a parasol you'd be tipping it REALLY HARD right now >Anon laughs and enters >Goood. >Step 1 complete. >You all pour in afterwards, and are able to secure a booth facing the stage >Unfortunately, there is nothing scheduled for tonight, so it's kinda a shit view. >Well, it would be, if you weren't staring at your soon-to-be horsebando >What's the human equivalent of that? humbando? No, that's not right >Ah well. >Dash is first >Of course she is! >"Anon, you've gotta try this shot! It's called the Cinnerator - it's a cinnamon liquor that's got a great kick to it!" >"Haha, sure thing Das-" >"A-actually, Anon, I took the liberty of ordering for us. For the first round, at least. I hope you don't mind?" >Everyone looks at Fluttershy >She squeaks and shrinks down "Hey, no problem! I'm curious as to what you'll get us!" >Be nice to 'em, Daring. We're all on the same team >Everypony else seems to get it and starts nodding >Small talk starts, and soon the waiter comes over >"Your drinks, everypony! And human~" >Ugh no colt bad. He's ours. >6 ciders - local brew, not bad - and one... frilly umbrella drink >Anon takes it in his hands >The drink is basically engulfed in his grip >pokerface all around >"Well...thank you, Fluttershy. I'm sure I'll enjoy this..." >"C-coconut s-sunset breeze..." she squeaks out >Ok, I'll give it to her - any other stallion, he'd start sipping on it right away >It's also about 70% pure alcohol >sneaky mare. You approve! >Anon just smiles softly and raises his glass >What a gentlestallion >"To Friendship!" >You all cringe slightly, but accept the toast >That all changes tonight >Aaand he chugged it >Fuck that >You, Dash, AJ and Pinkie all chug as well >You slam your drinks down at the same time. >"Hey! Barkeep! Cinnerator shots, please!" Anon waves >Dash Chimes in "Make it a double!" >It begins >After a few drinks >and mind you, you've been spreading the pain >sipping on water when he's drinking cider >you're tipsy >so is everypony else - well, Fluttershy's a lightweight, so she stopped drinking early >But FINALLY ANON IS TIPSY >And you just had a horrible, wonderful idea. >Stallions love being in the spotlight, right...? "HEY BARMARE!" >You yell that maybe a little too loud >Pones looking at you >buck'em you gettin alien dick tonight >"WHAT?" "You got a guitar on that stage?" >You point a hoof at the stage, and everyone silently raises an eyebrow >"Yeah... and a piano. You gonna do some mareoke?" "Well, Actually... Anon, I'd love to hear a human song..." >The other mares - shit, almost the whole bar, starts nodding and clopping their hooves together >"Yeah!" "Woo Alien music!" "Show us your cock, Anon!" "Perform!" >He laughs and waves at the crowd, standing up >YES TAKE THE BAIT >Get on that stage, you stupid, handsome colt, and get your token applause >You've never seen a stallion get booed off stage >Then ride that high back home so I can ride that dick >He gets on stage and grabs the guitar >It's a little small for him, but he sits down on the stool, propping it up on his knee. >"Well. Here's a song that was popular before I came over here. Let me know what ya'll think." >He begins to play > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEXDLhCGjww >You enjoy what he's doing with his fingers on the guitar >Literally those sounds have never been heard before >It sends shivers down your spine >Then he starts to sing >And your wings go right up >Anon finishes to roaring applause >You're pretty sure you came a little when he howled >Mares - and stallions - cheer him in the little bar >"Woohooo!" "YEAH!" "That was awesome!" >"Present to us thine cock!" "-shutup sister!" >Even your own group was raving like mad >"Yeehaw! That was a good'un~" "Splendid, darling!" "Woo!" "AWESOME" >You yourself cheer and clap against the table >That's YOUR Stallion! >Mmf. Yeah he is >Anon smiles and waves to the crowd, placing the guitar back down on the stage floor and hopping down >He walks back to your table all smiles >"So I take it you liked it?" "That was awesome!" >The table agrees with you, and you continue your general dick-ridin of this stallion >figuratively, soon-to-be-literally. >Appparently his singing has given him some minor-rockstar status, and free drinks start making their way over to your table >He drinks the first few (YES) >But soon starts passing the rest out to everypony else >Man you are gonna get SLOSHED. Some of this is top-shelf >ah well. You've had drunken sex before >Not too bad. Just gotta stretch befofehoof~ >"'Ey Nanners!" >Anon turns and looks at the outburst near your table >You follow his look an- HOLY BUCK "Cuz?!" >"Daring?! Haha, Awesome!" The mare responds >"Oi, Bubble-butt!" Anon replies >Aww her nickname is bubble-butt? Why didn't you think of that before... >"Wait..." >Anon looks confused. "What?" >You continue to hug the mare next to you >"Ya'll are related?" Applejack joins in "Well yeah. I'm Daring Do, she's Ditzy Do. We have the same family name..." >Ditzy nods >"But I thought your name was Derpy?" Twilight adds "No, that's a name you get to use if you're her friend." >"But I've been using it since I got here..." Twilight continues "Well, ever had a piano drop on your head?" >She shuts up and stares wide eyed at your cousin >Ditzy smiles. "But then we got to know each other, so we're all good~" >You scoot over, patting the seat next to you. "Hop on in!" >"Don't mind if I do~" Derpy replies, sitting next to you. You can ALWAYS use a wingmare, and it's obvious what your group is tryin to do here, so... she's no threat >Rainbow Dash looks both hurt and astounded. "YOU TWO ARE RELATED?" "Uh, yes, we ju-" >"YOU TWO ARE RELATED." >Okaaaay Dash just calm down there >Derpy sighs and leans into you, turning to face Anon. "So, where'd you learn to lip-synch like that?" >Anon laughs and tosses an ice-cube at Derps. "Catty bitch. Is it that astounding I can sing?" >Derpy sticks her tongue out at your stallion - ok, they're just friends. This is good! Get him all nice and relaxed. >Another round of shots appears at the table, courtesy of some-mare-that-won't-get-the-dick >You pick up a glass "To singing!" >"To Singing!" everyone cheers ... .. . .. ... >Sooo you might be a bit drunk. Well. A lot bit drunk. >Ain't yo bits for once >Errypone - and sexstallion - stall... "hehe" >Wow you can't even think straight >Brain wanna take over >Nah I think I'll hand everything over to Ovaries. You good down there? >OVARIES DOES WHAT OVARIES WANTS >Salright >You give Anon the bedroom eyes >Well, eye. The other eye is staring at that other fucking sexy human >You gonna hit him up if this goes south with Anon >Time to leap into action! >Action! >.... >Apparently the other mares at your table are either >(1) passed out, a la fluttershy and rarity >(2) really really drunk, like AJ and Twilight >(3) horny as fuck, like Pinkie and Dash. And you. >You give the secret hoof signal to Pinkie >She doesn't notice, so you lean over the table and whisper "Hey. Heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy HEY hey hey" >Stage whisper. The most selective of silent speakings >The pink one turns to you >You go through a complicated array of hoof motions >She nods knowingly >Goooooood >Time to get everypony home and naked an- >OVARIES DOES WHAT OVARIES WANTS >I KNOW, Ovaries, I know. Give me a few minutes, damn >FEED ME, DARING >Ok, stop! Sheesh. "Non! N. Anon. Anonon!" >You get Anon's attention with your wordsmithing. >He turns to look at you, a permanent blush on his face "S...s' time to go to bed, babe." >He grins. Does he know? >IF PINKIE HAS BETRAYED YOU >"Yeah.. it is gettin' pretty late..." He stands up, wobbling slightly >YES! The wobble! That means he's drunk enough to fuck, and sober enough to get it up! >You pat yourself on the back >excellent. >Derpy looks at you and smiles, nodding softly. "Yeah, let's get everyone back home. Twilight's castle is prolly the easiest." >Dis mare. You gonna give her some royalties from your next book. She's one of the good ones. >Your group makes it's way out of the bar - some final catcalls you largely ignore >It's time for operation: get fucked >You stumble back with the group to the shiny castle >Fuck good thing you weren't a pegasus >Wait, yes you were >You mean, good things... not in clouds. Can't fly >Fly no, Walk yes. >Yes. >Anon is trying to talk to everypony >But no one's really paying attention >It's just snuggles against his leg - in Pinkie's case, she's actually snuggling one of his legs >Makes him walk with a limp >He's gonna make you walk with a hitch tomorrow~ >You chuckle >Futtershy and Rarity are being carried under his arms >His strong... warm arms... wow he's so strong. Two ponies - three, if you count leghumper - and no fatigue >Dash flies up and lands on his back, snuggling in >Bitch >that's a great idea. >You make more idle banter with everypone >eventually you make it to the castle >Away from the throne room, up the stairs to the... >Oh WOW >You look around at this opulent bedroom >A massive, herd-sized bed sits in the middle >man that looks soft >You decide to hop up on it, stretching right infront of anon >mmm yeah and flash a little - hehe >He coughs and starts to unload his pones >"I'm going to go get some water, you guys just uh, relax here." "Don't take too long~" >Mmm. He's gonna go freshen up. Yeah he wants it >This is a great plan, Daring! Just. top notch >Thanks, ovaries >No problem! Now pose for your stallion so you're picked first~ >Good idea! >You sprawl out over the deceptively comfortable mattress... >Mmm. Man this is comfy as fuck. You roll over onto your back, wings spread out >Stallions love plumage >Aaand... legs spread, there we go. Airin' out the V before you get the D >You lay your head back and wait >Any moment and Anon will come back... >You awake with a start >Bleary-eyed, you look around >Sunlight streams in through the open windows >You don't see Anon >FUCK. Really? Maybe you need to check into AA or something >You do feel a pressure against your abdomen - maybe he went down and fell asleep? >If he went down then you're gonna propose to him right no- >Nope, just Twilight, asleep on your tummy >...you're just still drunk enough to think this prank is gonna be funny >You scoot up slowly, making sure not to wake her up >Just so her muzzle is right above your funcave >Then squeeze your legs together and "Oooooooh Buck~" >You moan and writhe loud enough to wake everypone >Twilight among them >It takes her just a few moments to realize what's going on >"AAH! AAah! Sorry, I ah! I -I'm not, I mean we're not even! I ju-" >You can't contain your laughter >Everyone else is either somewhat aroused, suffering from a massive hangover, or both >Twilight hoofs you in the cutie mark >You flinch "Hey now, you just gotta finish what you started~" >"Crass-flank pony..." she mumbles, clenching her eyes shut >Yeah, alcohol's a bitch >But your liver is used to it. Or dead. One of the two. >You look around and take stock >apparently a couple mares DID get frisky last night... with each other >You smile as they untangle themselves "Well..." >You inhale deeply "That could've gone better." >Wait, that scent >Is it~ Is it his?! >You inhale again, deep as you can >No...no. It's >Blueberry muffins. >After much groaning, sniffling, moaning and a couple hard thuds >you make your way downstairs to the kitchen >The first thing you notice - this place smells fucking wonderful >Damnit you miss rooming with the Derp >But it could be your stallion cooking, yanno~ >Good thought brain! And welcome back! >Thanks! Now SUGAR PLZ >You look to the kitchen table >Huh. One round of muffins is already gone - wait. >You head over, ignoring Derpy's "mornin!" >You are scrutinizing the fuck out of these leftovers >Chocolate macadamia nut chunk cookies >She only bakes these when "...when she gets laid." >"Hmm?" Derpy says, laying a tray of now horribly-inferior blueberry-shame muffins on the table "You only ever made these when you got laid, Derps." >You look at her as serious as the hangover you're currently fighting >The other girls make their way down into the kitchen, grumbling their thanks for the food >No. They - No. "Derpy. Tell me. Seriously." >She looks away shyly >The other pones start to sit at the table "Did you fuck Anon?" >Chairs squeak, then are silent >Nopony moves >Derpy opens her mouth to speak, but the kettle goes off - coffee, thankfully >She walks back over to the stove, a slight hitch in her step >CELESTIA AND LUNA DAMN IT SHE GOT FUCKED BY YOUR STALLION. >She turns to look at you >Plastering that innocent face as she brings over the kettle >Fuck if it wasn't life-giving coffee you'd hit her >But... that grin and that twinkle in her eyes >FUCK "Fuck" >Derpy nods with a smile. "Preffy muff." >You angrily grab a muffin and begin to chow down >You can't stop the fact that she got the D >But you can stop this hangover in it's tracks with some delicious sugar >You glare at her, and she smiles back again, dropping the kettle on the table >She looks at you- >wait, she LOOKS at YOU "D-Ditzy..." >"Daring? Is something wrong?" >"Your eyes!" Pinkie cries out >Derpy starts to freak out a bit "No, no! I mean, you're... your eyes are" >"What? What! Oh Buck if I'm dying please let me-" "They're FIXED." >Derpy stops panicking. >"Oh, that. Yeah, that happened last night." >WH "Wh-What?! How can you be so nonchalant over getting your eyes fixed! You got hit by a thundercloud when you were a foal, and now you're-" >Derpy giggles >You shut up, partially astounded at her demenaor, partially still FUCKING FURIOUS she fucked your stallion before you >You can hear twilight murmur as she takes notes "...potentially healing properties..." "It's just... yeah. Ah. Can I get anypony anything?" >She tries to change the subject >Rara won't let her. >"Yes, dear. How about you get me some JUICY DETAILS." >Derpy flinches >You're not gonna help this whorse. That was YO DICK. >OVARIES IS ANGRY >Silence, Ovaries. Brain is back in control. You'll get your dick soon. >Derpy sits at the table and pours herself a mug of coffe in silence. >"So I guess you want to kno-" >"YES" "EVERYTHING" "SCIENCE" >She clears her throat, and begins to tell her story.