"/bootleg/ Dim Sum"
By Zebrafag (https://pastebin.com/u/Zebrafag)

URL: https://pastebin.com/s72UBHYw
Created on: Monday 17th of December 2018 11:15:21 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 25 of October 2020 09:29:43 AM UTC


>This isn’t what you expected.
>Special price! Own your own dragon assistant! Only $200!
>You saw the picture of Spike and got excited. Your own dragon bro, Spike? Yes please!
>That’s the last time you trust any product from Bethesda studios.
>”???”
>A plate with a steaming egg roll is shoved into your face from below.
“No dim-sum! I’m not hungry!”
>The little dragon stands there for a moment looking down at the greasy snack.
>”???????”
>You groan.
“I don’t want fried rice either! Stupid no refund policy...”
>She tugs your pant leg.
>”????!??????????”
“I’ll have a fortune cookie later.”
>Until then, time to go post about this on reddit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>You and other people who bought these shoddy bootleg dragon assistants raised all kinds of hell about how Bethesda lies to you about their products.
>You’re looking at YouTube videos of the coverage, when your arm is tapped.
>It’s Dim-Sum.
“What is it Dim-Sum? I’m busy.”
>She plays with her claws, shuffling in place.
“???????????????????,????????????,??????,?????“
>You stare at her in silence, as she goes on.
“???!???????????,?????????!????????????,??????”
>She blushes, covering her face.
“....”
>You sigh.
“I thought I said I don’t want chow mein right now! Is all you know Chinese Food?”
>Dim lowers her eyes, annoyed, before walking away into another room.
>Goddamn Bethesda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"HO YEAH! THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT!"
>Today is a great day.
>Thanks to all the customers uniting together, and complaining(and the class-action lawsuit threat) Bethesda saw the error of their ways, and begin sending out the proper Dragon assistants they promised to those who bought the $200 special edition Spike the Dragon™ personal helpers.
>Can you believe they offered to give you Five bits as compensation at first?
>You can't even buy "Princess Thun" with that!
>All you have to do is enter in all your information on the websites ticket support page, and presto! You're getting a Spike! 
>Dim-Sum watches from nearby in an that says: "???Anon". The only part you recognizer is the last bit of it.
>It probably says, "die" or Kung-fu" knowing her.
>You gleefully enter in your information, as she messes with the apron, concern spread on her blue face.
>You turn to her in your office chair.
"Good news Dim! You're going home!"
>"??????"
"That's right! Bethesda is gonna take you back so, you won't be miserable here anymore!"
>She gasps.
>"?????????????????????!"
"I know! You'll get to see all your friends!"
>You continue to fill it out.
>"??????????????????!?!??????!"
"Almost done."
>She runs to you, grabbing your shirt, and shaking you.
>"??????,??????????!??????!????!???!?!???????"
>Someone is excited to leave... or she's asking if you like egg foo yung.
"Stop Dim-Sum! I like Shrimp lo mein more, okay? geez..."
>Tears start to fill Dim's eyes.
>The little dragoness releases your shirt, slowly backing off with low hanging fins.
>She leaves the room with little sobs.
"Wow. Guess she's a wanton soup type of girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~

>NOK NOK
"It's here!"
>You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
>"Are you Anon?"
"I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
>"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
"Excellent!"
>The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
>Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
"Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
>Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
"Dim. Get over here!"
>"?...?!"
>She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
>You, and the mail man watch on.
"I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
>You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
"Floor! Come out here!"
>"?!"
"I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
>She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
>You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
>Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
"You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
>You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
>"?!?????!??????!"
"Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
>Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
>"??????!???????!??????!??????!"
"Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
>She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
"Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
>The Mail man holds his hands outward.
>Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
>"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
>You stop in shock.
"Dim, did you just speak english?"
>"No no no no!"
>You tilt your head.
"Are you saying you want to stay here?"
>"Noooo!"
"Okay then!"
>You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.

>NOK NOK
"It's here!"
>You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
>"Are you Anon?"
"I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
>"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
"Excellent!"
>The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
>Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
"Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
>Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
"Dim. Get over here!"
>"?...?!"
>She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
>You, and the mail man watch on.
"I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
>You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
"Floor! Come out here!"
>"?!"
"I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
>She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
>You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
>Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
"You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
>You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
>"?!?????!??????!"
"Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
>Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
>"??????!???????!??????!??????!"
"Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
>She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
"Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
>The Mail man holds his hands outward.
>Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
>"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
>You stop in shock.
"Dim, did you just speak english?"
>"No no no no!"
>You tilt your head.
"Are you saying you want to stay here?"
>"Noooo!"
"Okay then!"
>You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.

~~~~~~~~~~~

[Author unconfirmed]

>”?!????????????!”
>You lay back on the sofa, as Dim-Sum places a tray of dumplings in front of you.
>It was a harrowing tale getting her back...
>Explosions, graphic sexual content and violence, and the sacrifice of a whiny dragon.
>You won’t go into the boring details.
>Dim starts playing with her apron strings.
>”????????????????????,??????????.”
“You silly little bootleg dragon.”
>You pat the chinosium dragon on the head.
>”?!?????”
“I think egg rolls are great too.
>That’s your dragon-
>NOK NOK
>You both look at the door, then each other.
>Dim shrugs.
>Better see who it is.
>You get up and answer the door, only finding a box.
“Wait a second...”
>It can’t be.
“I thought he shut the site down! This is my Souljapony™ Brand Celestia!”
>Dim watches closely from behind.
>You start opening the bo-
>”THUN!”
>Something pops out head butting you in the face.
>”?????!????????????????!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Scrubs! Fuck them, and these COCK-SUCKING mechanics!"
>You slam the controller after getting those hands in Dead or Alive 6 by some Scrublord named "ShutterFly0x".
>"?!????????"
>Dim-Sum walks up next to you in a little Bikini, and poses.
"I don't want a massage right now Dim-Sum! I'm fucking pissed!"
>You sit back in your gaming chair, attempting to settle your nerves, only to catch Thun staring at the sun outside the window.
"H-hey Thun. Don't do that. You'll go blind!"
>"Pretty Thuuuuuun~"
>She looks at you with greyed pupils. Uh-oh.
>"????!??????,????????!"
"Yeah, I wish I had some sushi too."
>Between these two, and the game, you're gonna have a coronary.
*NOK NOK*
"That's right! That should be my Black Friday special Waifu!"
>You excitedly get up, happy to finally get a break from Dim-Sum, and goddamn Thun, who for the record, ate all the asbestos in your attic. don't know why. She just did.
>Like "sharp cotton candy" she said.
>You open the door, with Dim-Sum clinging to your pant leg, and Thun relieving herself on your Wii U pad, only to be greeted by...a woman...?
>Her blank expression puzzles you.
>She looks like the "Purple Tsundere" you ordered, but her eyes were...uhhhm.
>She raises a hand.
>"Greetings. This is the best."
"What?"
>Her voice sounds like a distorted Maud Pie talking through a blown out speaker.
>"?!??????!???!"
"I don't think she's hungry Dim."
>Dim-Sum facepalms.
>"Are you Anohan?"
>Okay, what the actual fuck.
>"I'm Aroa. The purple Sundance."
"Don't you mean Tsundere?"
>She stares at you blankly, like she's processing your words.
>"I am here to pleasure you Anohan, and give you the full girlfriend experience. Now let us collide genitals."
>You should seriously get your money back.
>On that note,Thun runs into your TV head first cracking the screen.
>"??,???????????????!"