"Episode 26.5: Welcome to Canterlot College"
By SitcomAnon (https://pastebin.com/u/SitcomAnon)

URL: https://pastebin.com/4mUBbEYa
Created on: Saturday 2nd of July 2016 11:42:57 PM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 25 of October 2020 11:41:10 AM UTC


A peaceful college community nestled amongst the streets of a town where the mayor holds no control and everyone looks up to the local High School Principal. Welcome to Canterlot College.

Hello Listeners.  In today’s news, a recent uproar has been caused following accusations that the dog belonging to Twilight Sparkle (you know, the student librarian?) is capable of human speech.  Roman Roland reported seeing her speak to the dog and was surprised to see that the dog appeared to be talking back to her. He noted to friends, on lookers, and anyone else willing to listen that this was surely a sign of witchcraft, the Illuminati, or a dangerous combination of both.  Most students ignored these exclamations as further examples of Roman’s usual ramblings of a mad man.  It was only after a female student, identified only as a student of the Botany Department, yelled “The Horror, The Horror!” that the rest of the students soon joined the hysteria of the situation.  It is unknown the current whereabouts of the alleged talking dog or his owner.  More information on the situation, as it becomes available.

Professor Yearling of the Archeology Department spoke out regarding the recent photos of the Canterlot College Museum’s mummy appearing at various locations on campus.  She noted that, as of the current time, it would appear that the photos are the work of vandals and pranksters and not of the mummy moving on its own.  She further noted that the mummy can only move of its own volition on nights of full moons.  We here at Canterlot College Radio remind you that the next full moon, and therefore next curse induced movement of the mummy is scheduled for this coming Friday.  As always, Professor Yearling reminded all students to barricade themselves in their dorms during the night, and “not open the door for anyone….anyone.”

And now the Weekly College Calendar.  Monday, the College Occult Society will attempt to raise the spirit of College Founder, Starswirl the Bearded, from the dead.  You remember, listeners, that the remains of Starswirl have been on display in a glass case within the Student Union Building as per his will.  You will also remember that the class of ‘72 was punished after playing a game of soccer with his head.  Berry Swirl, President of the class of ‘72 would like to remind other alumni of the class to take cover, should Starswirl be risen and seek revenge on them.  Tuesday is Taco Tuesday at the dining hall.  The dining hall staff would like to remind all students that there is a strict limit of two tacos per person...that means you Sonata. Wednesday will be the first meeting of the College Basket Un-weaving club.  Those interested in taking part in the deconstruction of woven straw containers should meet in SUB 203. Thursday marks the ten year anniversary of that date, ten years ago.  As such, the history department will be holding a remembrance ceremony. Attendance is mandatory for all History majors minoring in memory study.  Not remembering to attend is grounds for immediate expulsion.  Friday is the next biweekly Freshman Friday.  Sophomore, Junior, and Senior class officers call for all upperclassmen to establish a beachhead on Memorial Quad to prepare for the Higgins Boats full of first years. They urge upperclassmen to train hard for this week’s event as, per Dean Discord’s orders, the First Years will be allowed to use Bangalore Torpedoes in order to “Have a fighting chance of winning this time.”  Saturday will be spent cleaning up after the havoc wrought by the Museum’s mummy and mourning those who decided to go out Friday night anyways. Sunday does not exist. In the real world, you will never have time to rest, may as well get used to it now. This has been the College Calendar.

An update regarding the situation of Twilight Sparkle (You know, the student librarian?) and her talking dog. Norman Normal, perhaps Miss Sparkle’s first friend when she mysteriously appeared at Canterlot High School, weighed in on the situation.  Norman Normal, now I don’t know if you’ve seen this guy around; he’s the one who appears in vintage clothing and a beanie and has been widely considered to be the most racist person in the city of Canterlot-has claimed that the dog actually is capable of the human language. He claims that the dog is actually a dragon and that his ability to speak is the result of Miss Sparkle’s “Ancient Pony Princess Magics”, Can you believe this guy actually said she uses “Ancient Pony Princess Magics”? What an asshole.

The Cryptozoology Department of Canterlot College would like to bring to the attention of the students that there is clearly a Cockatrice problem in the city. Researchers have noted that there has been a general increase in illiteracy, unwanted pregnancies, and general homelessness of the cockatrice population.  The department would like to announce that they are partnering with the World Wildlife Fund to sponsor a donation drive in order to assist these majestic, godless petrification machines.  The drive will run for one week starting Saturday.  Students are urged to drop spare change and other donations into the jars provided throughout the library and Student Union Building.  They can be identified by the photo of the cockatrice staring back at you over the jar. Students are reminded to not look into the photo’s eyes due to the risk of being turned to stone.  

And now, if I may, an editorial letter from a member of the college community who wishes to remain anonymous.  They write:  “I think we can all agree that the amount of supernatural phenomena coming out of the area around Canterlot High School over the past few years has been quite worrisome. Isn’t it odd that the school was destroyed by a succubus one year, and then by a group of sirens during another?  Doesn’t it worry anyone else that six girls can transform like a group of anime characters to save the day each time?  Noting that our fine educational institution can afford to have majors like Women and Gender Studies, why can’t we have a Defense against supernatural beings depar....” Okay, you know what...usually I would respect the letter writer’s privacy but I know for a fact that this letter was written by one Roman Roland. It is far too easy to tell that this is the work of our college’s resident conspiracy theorist. It has his fingerprints all over it.  All he ever does is try to keep pointing out that, in his opinion, there are too many odd occurrences on our humble little college campus.  Well, I for one am sick and tired of Roland’s continuous whinging about the state of our college.  Surely he understands that all colleges have to put up with the same issues as we do here at Canterlot College.  If Roland wants to go ahead and pretend that University of Mare-a-land Baltimare County doesn’t have to put up with yearly infestations of living statues taken care of by time travellers then by all means he certainly can.  And if he wants to believe that Vanhoover State is not affected by yearly rains of small mammals then he certainly can on his own time. But I will be damned, dear listener, if I ever have to read another letter from Roland imposing his beliefs, no matter how wrong they may be, on us here at CC.  And with that, this has been...editorials.

The Canterlot College Earth and Ecology Club would like to remind students and faculty that the yearly can and bottle drive is coming up next week.  As always, they remind the community to keep all roadways clear for the week while they prepare to drive the cans and bottles from the corral at the east end of campus, across the river running through the middle, and over to the corral at the West end of campus.  With the move complete, the yearly can and bottle auction will be able to take place next Saturday.  Reggie Cycle of the Earth and Eco Club notes that this years brood of cans and bottles includes yearlings from past blue ribbon winners “Natty Boh” and “Shasta Cola”. Surely with stock with such great pedigrees, there are some deals to be had.  The club notes that all prices are final and will include a 5 cent deposit fee.  

Listeners, I’ve been asked by a student to read the following statement.  Miss Octavia Watermelody of the Canterlot College Orchestra and well as the local Symphony Orchestra wishes to make the following known to the campus at large.  Quite simply, she is English. She always has been English. Her German accent and mannerisms have all been nothing more than an elaborate ruse in an attempt to be like her grandfather who was, in fact, German.  She apologizes for the confusion that may have been caused by her actions.  She closes the statement by noting that Norman Normal still has to take responsibility for what he has done to her in the past noting, and I quote: “You know full well what I am talking about, and I’m still not over it. You will take responsibility or I will use the clarinet on you again” end quote. Gee, he really is an asshole.

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Fluttershy of the animal biology department would like to announce that she is holding yet another attempt to raise Lord Smooze.  Anyone interested in attempting to summon this monster should be willing to sacrifice time and...sorry, I misread that it just says sacrifice.  She adds that virgin’s will have preference. Let’s see here...blah blah blah...usher in a new era of terror over the school...blah blah blah...only true believers will be saved...then it continues in different tongues that I am afraid I am unable to comprehend...and then it ends simply with a “Hail Lord Smooze”. Dean Discord, reporting from the base of the Dean’s secret police, noted that Lord Smooze had already been risen and that the two had a tee time set for Tuesday but that Fluttershy had ignored his offers to introduce him to her.

Listeners, we are getting numerous reports regarding the dog of Twilight Sparkle (you know, the student librarian?) It would appear that more students are coming forward with info.  Lyra Heartstrings claims that she once saw Miss Sparkle talk to her dog and pause as though it was answering her.  She also says that Miss Sparkle may have caused the Horse Riot at the Equestria Derby a few years ago.  A male student came out as claiming to have actually heard the dog talk but later noted that he may have still been in shock considering it was immediately after the demon attack at the Fall Formal back when he was in high school.  Dear listeners, we can no longer function on mere conjecture. Until there is proof, we cannot continue to speak about Miss Sparkle and her canine companion behind her back.  As a journalist, I am sworn to report the truth and only the truth.  Further, it is my job to find that proof. I shall go and interview Miss Sparkle myself, and finally put to an end this confusing and long debate.  As I prepare to stalk he….Er..I mean research her in the school database to figure out where to find her, I give you, dear listeners...the weather.

Listeners, I’m back.  I have successfully tracked down Twilight Sparkle (You know, the student librarian). It was not easy to find her.  It turns out she isn’t even in the college database.  I had to turn to the old standby of finding her in a phonebook. I must say, I am impressed by the commute she must make. It turns out she lives all the way out in Center City near the Crystal Prep High School. I have no idea why she didn’t just go to Crystal College. Sure, the city is an uninhabitable hellscape that no normal, faust-fearing human being would want to visit. And sure, Crystal College is our biggest rival in all sports, but it at least would have kept her travel bills down to go there instead of here.  I reckon that is neither here nor there, however.  I found Miss Sparkle not at the library of the college but instead at one of the science labs.  She seemed busy creating some sort of chemical compound.  I quickly introduced myself and confirmed her identity. But, well, listeners I must say there was something odd about her demeanor. I mean, we aren’t great friends but considering how small our campus is, I know for a fact Miss Sparkle and I have met multiple times. However, in this instance, she acted as though she had never seen me in her life. It was a most odd experience, When I told her of the news on campus regarding her dog, she just looked at me with a confused look on her face.  It was then that I saw the dog in question..Listeners, I have never seen a dog like this in my life.  He’s purple and green but he seemed to act like a normal dog. I approached him and tried to engage him in conversation. He simply stared back at me and made no noise while Miss Sparkle looked on, a look of worry and concern etched onto her face.  I attempted to speak to the dog once more and there was no reply. As I turned to leave, Miss Sparkle asked me which campus the rumor had started at. “Canterlot College” I replied. “I’ve never been” she claimed. When I told her she was a student there, she seemed confused. She quickly grabbed a notebook and began furiously writing before saying something like “She’s Back” and mentioning something about needing to complete field studies before throwing on a hoodie, grabbing a mysterious beeping box with a small antenna on it, and running off.

Listeners...I do not know how to read this situation. On one hand, it would appear that the rumors of the talking dog were just that. Nothing more than rumors. Idle chatter and gossip that make a good story but couldn’t be further from the truth. At the same time, there was something weird about Miss Sparkle. It was as though she was a different person. But she looked so much like our Miss Sparkle from Canterlot College. Sure, she was wearing glasses and her hair was done differently, but I just wrote that off as something necessary for the lab work she was doing.  But now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps she was a different person. And if so, does that mean that there are counterparts for all of us here at Canterlot College on the campus of Crystal College? Do I have some weird, yet similar counterpart sitting in a dark radio studio, perhaps ruminating on my own existence over his airwaves? Is there an alternate Dr. Yearling? And an alternate Dean Discord? Is he normal? Listeners, I am not sure what I have done. If it wasn’t for a story of a talking dog, none of this would have happened. Now, I find myself so far down the rabbit hole that I must keep going. At this point, it would appear their Miss Sparkle, if she is in fact a separate person, is on her way to Canterlot College. Perhaps we will pass each other as I head to Crystal College to test my hypothesis.  Until then, there is only uncertainty.  As I leave you tonight, I wonder if my Crystal Counterpart is telling his listeners something similar? Stay tuned for the sound of forgiveness...that is to say, screaming followed by a hollow silence and as always...Good night Canterlot College, Good Night.

Welcome to Canterlot college is a production of KCCR, Canterlot College Radio. Today’s Proverb: Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, Especially if she is a Pony Princess.