"[S1E1] Shh, No More Tears, Only Nightmares Now"
By NonAnon (https://pastebin.com/u/NonAnon)

URL: https://pastebin.com/23KWYgRg
Created on: Friday 11th of May 2012 02:54:49 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Friday 30 of October 2020 12:10:51 PM UTC


>Day 1 in Equestria

>Although “in” is kind of a subjective term.
>Is one really “in” a place if they can’t meaningfully interact with it at all?
>For example, are you really “in” Equestria if YOU CAN’T EAT ANYTHING AND YOU ARE STARVING?
>Philosophical musings such as these go onto the back burner as you tear ass back to the Everfree Forest.

>Once it hit you that you were going to die of starvation and/or dehydration if you stayed in Equestria, you had made for the forest in a mad dash.
>You have to find that portal again.
>THAT FUCKING MAGIC PORTAL.
>It hadn’t been doing you any favors dropping you here, that’s for sure.
>It’s true you didn’t miss much from your life on Earth, but at least it was LIFE.
>You may have eventually had a lot of fun experiencing “My Little Pony” firsthand
>But that wasn’t going to happen if you were an invisible corpse by the time the really good episodes started.

>Alright, here it is, the Everfree Forest.
>Just gotta find the tree with your ruined bathrobe hanging off it, walk straight in from there, scramble up a hill and climb a tree.
>Piece of cake
>If the portal is still there
>You’re not even going to think about the possibility that it’s gone.
>Now, where is that damn bathrobe?

>Thirty minutes later
No no no no no...
>Where the FUCK is that goddamn bathrobe?!
>You’ve jogged across at least half a mile of the forest’s edge near Sweet Apple Acres.
>You definitely should have found it by now, it was hanging in a way that you couldn’t possibly miss it.
>This is bad

>You were worried about the portal, but not even in your most pessimistic doubts did you think the bathrobe you’d hung as a marker would be missing.
>How is that even possible?
>You doubt the wind could’ve ripped it off
>Shit, this can’t be happening.

>This must all be a nightmare or something.
>Yes, that must be it, you’re still in bed
>Or maybe you’re still lying under that apple tree in the orchard
>You could still be in Equestria!
>You’re just having an awful dream, and you’ll wake up and meet everyp0ny and you’ll all be friends!
>Yeah, see, you’re gonna punch this tree right over here and it’s not even gonna hurt
>Gonna knock the wood right outta that sucker.
MINECRAFT, BITCH!
>ka-thunk
AUURRGH!

>Oh SHIT your hand hurts like a motherfucker
>Ow, ow, ow
>Okay, no, this is definitely not a dream.
>That had been just a desperate wish anyway
>You had known in the back of your mind that the “show” events you’d seen were far too accurate to be just recalling subconscious memories.
>But you had hoped maybe, just maybe, you were wrong.
>You lean up against the tree in exhaustion
>A long, heavy sigh comes out of you as you realize you’re doomed.
>Leaning around the tree to peer into the forest, you look for something, anything you recall.
>The foliage is so thick you can barely see more than a few meters ahead of you.
>There was no way you’d find the right tree in such a big, dark forest.
>And even if you did, there was still no reason to think there would be a portal going back home.

>You give up.

>Trudging back towards Sweet Apple Acres, you resolve to just try and enjoy what time you have left.
>You see Twilight Sparkle and the Apple family at a group of small picnic tables, finishing up their brunch.
>Look how anxious Twilight is to get out of there.
Heh heh. Poor Twilight.
>You pause a moment to search by the apple trees around the barnyard.
>Ah, here we go, your box of Gorilla Munch 
>At least this hadn’t vanished.
>You slowly eat the cereal, making sure not to squander your only food supply as you walk towards the picnic area.

>You find that the picnic benches are too small, so you just sit on a mostly empty buffet table.
>It’s a little awkward, since your buttcheek is tingling where it’s phased inside of a caramel apple
>You’re beyond caring about trivial things like that now.
>Just barely sating your hunger with a few handfuls of cereal, you lay down on the table to rest.
>You probably burned up way too many calories in your frantic search for the place you came out of the Everfree Forest.
>But you don’t really care about that either
>You’re not sure if you care about anything anymore.
>You're pretty sure your jimmies have rustled themselves to death.

>”No, really, I couldn’t eat another bite…”
>You roll your head to the side, chuckling quietly as you see a sick-looking Twilight wave away a slice of pie offered by Applejack.
>”Ya’ll sure? Alright then.”
>Spike starts to wave his arm in the air beside Twilight. 
>”Oh, oh, I’ll eat i-MMMFF!”
>He’s cut off as Twilight shoves her hoof in his mouth, wearing a strained smile. 
>”Heh heh, yes, we’re both very full and still have a lot of work to do, so we need to get going...”
>Going from Spike’s expression, he obviously disagrees, but Applejack doesn’t notice.
>”Sure thing sugarcube, was great gettin' ta know ya! Ya’ll take care now, y’hear?” 

>She shakes Twilight’s hoof, not quite as violently as before, but still enough to make you laugh.
>This is followed by every single Apple coming over and shaking Twilight’s hoof, much to her dismay.
>”Take care!” “Buhbye!” “See ya later!” “Eeeyup!”
Oh ponies, you so crazy.
>You smile to yourself.
>Watching this kind of thing almost takes your mind off your impending slow death.
>Almost.

>You try not to dwell too much on that.
>Instead you simply enjoy the taste of apple pie in your mouth.
>Wait what
>Lifting your head in confusion, the sensation stops. 
>You look down at the table.
>Seems your head had been partly resting on a half-finished pie
>Or resting inside of it - your mouth and the pie had been occupying the same space.
>Intredasting
>Maybe the tingly feeling when you “phase” into things isn’t just magic?

>You roll around on the table so that your stomach is situated over a dish of apple fritters.
>There’s a tingly feeling in your stomach from all the pastries intersecting with it, but you’re not any less hungry.
>You lay there for a while just in case
>But nothing happens, and when you get up, the fritters don’t look like they’ve changed at all.
>So much for that idea. 
>Still, at least being able to taste things in Equestria could be useful.

>You’re aware that dehydration will kill you even quicker than starvation.
>It’s still unclear how this “no touching allowed” dickery will work with liquids
>But you’re not going to delude yourself.
>Fate’s been an absolute bitch to you so far, no reason she would cut you a break now.
>You’re probably going to have to drink your own piss from now on
>At least you can trick yourself into tasting cupcakes or something while you do it.
>Still not going to be pleasant though… ugh.
>It’s almost enough to make Lyra’s rape dungeon sound appealing.

>Hold on a second.
>Lyra.
>LYRA
LYRA!
>BY CELESTIA'S BEARD, YOU FORGOT ABOUT LYRA!

>You smack your palm against your forehead, hard.
>How the hell did you forget Lyra?
>Everything had been getting you so stressed out you couldn’t think straight.
>But now you remember
>LYRA HAD SEEN YOU!
>Boy, did she ever see you! 
>Flipped right the fuck out, didn’t she?
>Sure, maybe she just saw something scary in the forest behind you, but you doubt it
>You would’ve noticed it yourself, if it was that horrible.
>Somehow, 
>despite everyp0ny else ignoring you,
>and the wacky physics-defying bullshit the universe kept pulling
>Lyra had been able to notice you.

>You leap off the table.
>GOTTA FIND LYRA
>She could probably help you somehow
>If you knew where she was
>Oh shit, where does Lyra even live?
>Does it matter?
>Lyra’s a background pony, she’s EVERYWHERE!
>Come to think of it, there might even be multiple Lyras
>Background ponies got duplicated all the time
>You don’t know how that would work in “real” Equestria, and you don’t care.
>You don’t care about anything, anymore
>Except for finding Lyra Heartstrings.

>Okay now, stay calm for a minute here
>You’ve been let down enough times already, don’t get your hopes up
>Lyra might not even be able to help you.
>But she’s the best chance you have.
>And you’ll see her again eventually, all you have to do is follow the “show” around.
>Which right now means following Twilight Sparkle.
>Who is already done saying goodbye to the Apples, and is far away down the path leading to Ponyville.
>OH FUCK, WAIT UP

>Clutching your cereal box, you chase frantically after the distant forms of Twilight and Spike.
TWILIGHT! WAIT!
>You know she can’t hear you, but guess what?
>Right, you don’t care!
>Today has been an emotional rollercoaster of hopefulness and disappointment, and it’s driven you a little loopy by now.
>Soon catching up to them, you leap at Twilight in a tackle
WAAAIT!
>It turns out tackling something that your body treats like a fuzzy brick wall is a dumb idea.
>Your chest slams into Twilight's side painfully while your arms wrap clumsily around her.
OOF! Owww, dammit.
>Fortunately this pointless action results in you getting dragged along by Twilight Sparkle.
>Looks like you just found yourself a ride.

>You scramble your way up onto Twilight Sparkle.
>Seated on her back with your arms held tightly around her neck, you’re able to stay atop her as she trots toward Ponyville.
>You have to kind of lift your feet to keep them from dragging, but it’s much better than needing to walk.
>This is great, you’ll conserve a lot of energy traveling this way.
>It’s honestly kind of fun, too.
HI-HO, SPARKLE! AWAAAY!
>You’re being silly and no one can stop you!
>Hahahaha. Yeah, you need help.

>Soon you’ve reached the outskirts of Ponyville.
>You begin passing by small wood-framed buildings with thatched roofs, and Spike pulls a quill and checklist from – somewhere.
>”Okay… food’s all taken care of, next is weather.” 
>He looks back at you and Twilight - well, at Twilight, anyway.
>She moans, and you hear her bloated stomach gurgling beneath her.
>”Uuugh… I ate too much pie…”
Meh, at least you were able to eat it at all.
>Spike ignores both comments, looking towards the cloudy sky as he walks. 
>“There’s supposed to be a Pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.”
>Twilight stops and looks up, and you start to hear a faint whistling noise to your left
>It's growing louder by the second.
>”Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she.”
>You realize you need to get the hell off of her back, right now.

>You only barely manage to jump off and scramble out of the way before the whistling is right in your ears.
>A rainbow blur smashes into Twilight’s side as she finishes talking, carrying her into a mud puddle at ludicrous speed.
>Holy shit, you don’t even want to think about what that would have done to you.
>You walk over to the pair of muddy ponies to see if they’re okay
>Well, you know they’re okay, but still...
Rainbow Dash, you’re going to KILL somep0ny one of these days, you know that?
>Dash just laughs, grinning sheepishly as she gets up and looks at Twilight. “Uhhh, ‘scuse me?”
>Twilight groans a little and Rainbow giggles again.
>”Hehe, lemme help you.”

>She flies off and quickly drags back a tiny raincloud, bounce-stomping the rain out so it showers down on you and Twilight.
>You don’t get wet though, just tingly for a second.
>That figures.
>You are smart enough to quickly move away after that, though
>If you were standing in the wrong spot, you imagine Dash’s Rain-Blow Dry might work more like a blender.

>After laughing along with Rainbow Dash and Spike at Twilight’s ridiculous poofy hair, you decide to take a walk around Ponyville’s town square.
>It was kind of fun to watch the “show” like this, but you really needed to find Lyra.
>Oddly, you find that the town square is rather deserted. 
>The rest of the ponies must all be at home getting ready for the Summer Sun Celebration.
>You hear whistling again, coming from above
>Looking up, you see Rainbow Dash is clearing all the clouds from the sky
>Presumably in ten seconds flat.
>That means Twilight and Spike will be headed for Ponyville Town Hall in a minute.
>You might as well just meet them there.

>Heading for Town Hall, you stop to look at a fountain with a pony statue rising from it.
>The shimmering blue water is an uncomfortable reminder of how thirsty you’re getting.
>You try putting it out of your mind
>You’d rather hold off on drinking your piss as long as you can.
>You're no Bear Grylls.
>Come to think of it, you still don’t know exactly how you interact with Equestrian liquids.
>Raindrops phase through you, but what about bodies of water?
>You reach down and dip your hand into the fountain.
>As expected, your whole hand tingles
>But it also feels rather cool and wet.
>Removing your hand, it is shown to still be dry, but it had certainly felt like it was underwater.
>You don’t want to let yourself get optimistic, but this seems promising.

>Kneeling down, you dunk your head into the water.
>Oh damn this feels awesome
>It’s like being underwater but still being able to breathe
>And your throat isn’t dry anymore! 
>Praise Celestia!
>You pull your head out of the fountain with relief
>Just like that, your thirst comes back.
>God damn it.

>Hearing voices approaching, you see that Twilight and Spike are walking towards Town Hall.
>Must be time to check the decorations.
>You stand up to follow them inside, but stop.
>Lyra wouldn’t show up inside the Town Hall during the “Twilight meets Rarity” scene, you were certain of that
>Come to think of it, she wouldn’t be out at Fluttershy’s cottage, either.
>If you remember right, there weren’t even any more background ponies in the first episode until the library party
>There's really no point following Twilight around to look for Lyra until then.
>And after watching that episode just this morning, it’s not as if you would miss anything important story-wise, either.
>Fuck it
>It’s a nice warm summer day
>You’re going to have a swim.

>You almost begin to take off your pajamas, then shrug to yourself and just hop into the fountain.
>The clothes feel predictably damp, but only when “underwater”
>Funky.
>You get used to the full-body tingling very quickly.
>It’s actually really relaxing to just lie down on the bottom of the fountain.
>With your thirst gone and cool wetness all over your skin, the stress from this fucked-up nightmare of a day slowly melts off of you.
>It gives you time to think about things.

>The watery sensation seems to permeate your entire being, and you start to wonder why that could be
>Sure, it’s magic and you don’t gotta explain shit, but you find yourself hypothesizing anyway.
>Maybe your body’s rearranging itself at a molecular level to avoid colliding with what it phases through?
>That would probably still be a pretty tight squeeze, resulting in little bits rubbing up against each other
>Which would explain how you can kind of taste food in your mouth, or feel wet.
>If that’s the case, lying here might actually be hydrating you through some kind of bizarre osmosis, if you’re lucky.
>Ha ha, “if you’re lucky”. 
>Oh, you.
>Still, whatever is causing it, it feels damn good.
>Might as well stay in until the party.

>Every once in a while you poke your head up out of the fountain to look around town square.
>As the sun sinks lower in the sky, you begin to occasionally see ponies walking around, probably heading for parties.
>None of them are Lyra, but you’ll see her soon, you’re sure.
>You keep telling yourself you’ll head over to the library in a minute
>This water just feels really nice.
>You relax and close your eyes.

>Your stomach aches with hunger.
>Grumbling, you rise from the fountain and look over the side for your cereal box.
>When did everything get so dark?
>...Oh hell, you fell asleep again
>You need to stop doing that.

>You frantically rub your eyes, squinting up at the sky.
>Okay, good, the mare is still in the moon
>Four bright stars seem to be slowly moving towards it
>But they’re still a long way from their destination.
>Phew, alright, probably didn’t miss anything.
>You climb out of the fountain and grab your Gorilla Munch
>Blegh, you’re suddenly as thirsty as you were when you got in.
>If Lyra can’t help you, you might have to just live underwater or something.
>Shoo-bee-fucking-doo.

>You easily find the library after a couple minutes.
>It would be hard to miss the giant tree rising from the street, even without strobing lights and music coming from the first floor.
>You walk up and knock on the small door.
>fullretard.jpg
>Yeah you’re not even sure why you tried that
>Can’t get the door handle to move either.
>Looks like you just have to wait for someone to come out.

>You go over to one of the windows and peer inside.
>Looks like everyp0ny’s having a lot of fun.
>Rainbow Dash and Applejack are armwrestling
>Rarity and Fluttershy are drinking, giggling about some gossip
>Pinkie Pie is leading a conga line, with Spike bringing up the rear and wearing a lampshade.
>You can’t see Twilight anywhere, obviously, since she would still be up in her bedroom right now.
>From the way things look, no one is interested in leaving the party anytime soon.
>Damn it.
>It’s not like you’d be able to actually enjoy the party if you got in, anyway.
>Would make it easier to look around for Lyra though.
>You glance around at the other partying ponies, trying to spot her.

>You can’t find Lyra, but you do notice Derpy Hooves 
>You chuckle quietly as her wall-eyes do a lazy roll.
>One of them seems to be looking towards you, but the other’s focused on the muffin she’s eating.
>Hmmm
>You wave at her, but she just keeps eating her muffin.
>Pretty soon both eyes swivel around to point in other random directions.
>So much for that
>Even if Derpy could see you, you’re not sure if she could help without something going wrong.

>Still having no luck finding Lyra, you move to another window.
>Ah, now you can see her, Pinkie’s conga line had been in the way before.
>She’s facing away from the window and talking with Bon Bon about something.
>You tap on the window a few times, but the party’s too loud for even you to hear it.
Hey! Lyra!
>Her ear twitches, and she looks over her shoulder in confusion.
>Come on, come on…
>You get your face right up next to the window and call out as loud as you can.
LYRA!
>She looks out the window at you and tenses up, eyes widening again.
>You try to put on a friendly smile.
>Her head whips back around to face Bon Bon, and she starts gesturing wildly towards the window.
>FUCK YEAH.

>No doubt about it, Lyra is still able to notice you.
>Bon Bon is peering over at the window in your direction too
>But then she just looks at Lyra skeptically and shakes her head.
>Lyra looks back to the window at you very briefly, before turning to Bon Bon and giving a shrug.
Uh. Lyra?
>She doesn’t respond, just nervously rubs the back of her head with a hoof and pulls Bon Bon over to the drinks table.
>You silently watch her for a while, but she doesn’t look out the window again
>You might as well just wait for the party to be over.

>You figure it'll end pretty soon, since the conga line’s broken apart, Pinkie Pie is setting up “Pin the Tail on the Pony” and Spike just ran up to Twilight's bedroom.
>You decide to just take a seat by the door and chill.
>Looks like a lot of other ponies are already heading for Town Hall from other parties in Ponyville.
>Should be any second until – here we go
>The door to the library opens up and ponies start to file out.
>Alright, just gotta be cool.
>You're sitting down, so you should be eye level with her.
>Your pajamas are a little worn but they aren't all raggedy and covered in leaves.
>She should be fine.
>You're not big and scary at all.

>Lyra trots out along with Bon Bon, levitating a goblet of fizzy fruit juice and drinking from it with a straw.
>You speak up as she passes you.
Uh, can we talk?
>She turns toward you.
>”What do you waaaaAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”
>She screams when she sees it's you, her juice goblet flinging its contents all over your face.
>Okay, so you’re still big and scary
>But really, drenching you with juice was just uncalled foooOOOHH GOD WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE DRENCHED WITH JUICE

>You swallow what’s landed in your mouth, and start manically wiping all the rest of the juice on your face towards your lips
>Lapping it up into your mouth thirstily and licking it off your hands
>Lyra is probably getting even more horrified than she already was.
>Can’t really tell though, you're not paying attention because JUICE
>You don’t know what the hell is going on but you’re just going to drink as much as you can.
>You start to suck the moisture from where it had splashed onto your pajama shirt.
Ummafugguhgawduhdunnawujyudedbudfankshomush
>You look at Lyra as you thank her gratefully with your mouth full of shirt
>She’s just kind of in shock.

>Bon Bon taps her with a hoof, concerned.
>”Are you okay, Lyra?”
>WOAH
>You stare at Bon Bon, blinking.
>What the fuck, that didn’t sound like Bon Bon!
>...Oh, ha ha, that's right
>Bon Bon NEVER sounds like Bon Bon.
>This Bon Bon sounds different than all the other Bon Bons you remember, though.
>Fuck it, now you’re just getting confused.

>Looking back towards Lyra, her eyes are darting around, seeing all the other ponies staring at her awkwardly.
>She grins a huge, unconvincing grin and starts speaking loudly and rapidly.
>”Ha! Haha, yes, I’m fine! There was… a big spider! Dropped down in front of my face! Gone now!”
>Bon Bon raises an eyebrow.
>”Oookay?”
>Lyra’s magic abruptly shuts off on the juice goblet, and before it even hits the ground she’s galloping off towards Town Hall.
>”Yes well let’s get going the Summer Sun Celestiabration is starting soonandwedontwanttomissitnowdoweCOMEONBONBON!”  
>Everyp0ny watches her as she dashes off, before they turn to Bon Bon, who simply shrugs.
>”She’s been... off, recently.”
>This is apparently a good enough excuse for them, and the partygoers continue dispersing in an orderly fashion.

>By now you’ve drank down every last bit of juice you could find on you.
>It wasn’t enough to quench your thirst, but at least your throat isn’t so dry anymore.
>You’re not sure exactly why that had happened
>But Lyra DEFINITELY had something to do with it.
>You need to get your hands on that mare.

>A familiar sigh makes you turn and look.
>Twilight Sparkle is the last pony out of the now-darkened library
>She closes the door, looking up at the moon with worry.
>You walk over next to her and pat her on the head pointlessly.
It’s okay, everything’s going to turn out fine.
>She ignores you as always, turning away down the street towards the town square.

>You prepare to mount your unwitting yet faithful steed, when Spike suddenly hops on her back instead.
>”Come on Twilight, the celebration’s going to begin any minute!”
>...Oh hell no.
>He did NOT just gank your steed
>Things have been going too well recently, you refuse to start putting up with this kind of shit again.

>And that is how you find yourself making your way to the Summer Sun Celebration, sitting on a dragon’s head while it is riding a unicorn. 

>FUCK THE POLICE.

[END OF EPISODE 1]