"The New Moneypone Adventures (WIP)"
By Mr_Sympathy (https://pastebin.com/u/Mr_Sympathy)

URL: https://pastebin.com/j5qAJwYK
Created on: Sunday 5th of June 2016 05:10:43 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Saturday 31 of October 2020 11:01:35 PM UTC


Masterhand01: >You are Moneypone
Masterhand01: >And boy fuck are you tired
Captain Moneybags: ohsheeit
Masterhand01: >You'd love to just climb on into your very expensive bed and take a nap, but something's wrong.
Masterhand01: >This thing in front of you, where your bed usually is
Masterhand01: >It's just a fucking concrete block
Captain Moneybags: but why
Captain Moneybags: who did this
Masterhand01: >Admittedly, it's *shaped* like your bed
Masterhand01: >But
Masterhand01: >Well, what do?
Captain Moneybags: pile sack of cash on top to recomf it
Masterhand01: >That is bed-making
Masterhand01: >And bed-making is for the help
Masterhand01: >Do it anyway?
Captain Moneybags: bed-making make the actual bed though
Captain Moneybags: this is just moving money around
Captain Moneybags: aint nopony touch my money but me
Masterhand01: >Yes of course
Masterhand01: >That is why you founded your chain of banks in the first place
Masterhand01: >So even when it's not your money, it's still your money
Masterhand01: >You wearily mosey on over to one of your many safes
Masterhand01: >This is the only one in this room of course. Can't have it all in one place in case a burglar - or some sort of assassin - breaks in
Masterhand01: >That would just be a complete disaster, and the accompanying quest would surely never get finishd
Masterhand01: *finished
Masterhand01: >You turn the vault handle - no. wait. you don't.
Masterhand01: >It's stuck.
Masterhand01: >Why is it stuck?
Masterhand01: >You personally bankrolled the invention of a safe locking mechanism that could never get stuck just in case exactly this happened
Masterhand01: >This evening is swiftly becoming bullshit
Masterhand01: >What do?
Captain Moneybags: don't remind me how murdermystery didn't get finished plz ;-;
Masterhand01: we might come back to it
Masterhand01: all the important persons are stil lhere
Masterhand01: *still here
Captain Moneybags: um... use earth pony strength to unstuck it?
Masterhand01: me, you
Captain Moneybags: also yeeey
Masterhand01: >Quite fed up with this bullshit, you find yourself becoming angry
Masterhand01: >Blustered with swagger and poppycock and other old timey rich pony words
Masterhand01: >You feel your underworked muscles swell with rage as you push against the spinning handle with all your might
Masterhand01: >Success! The mechanism yields and spins wildly after just a moment's application of force!
Masterhand01: >(20)
Masterhand01: >...Unfortunately, it's making some sort of awful crunching noise.
Masterhand01: >Grinding and popping and...what the devil is wrong with this blasted thing?
Masterhand01: >It certainly didn't make such a noise yesterday...
Masterhand01: >Still, you can open it now.
Masterhand01: >What do?
Captain Moneybags: open it up of course
Captain Moneybags: don't forget to check the safe locking mechanism
Masterhand01: >You enter your combination - changed every tuesday, as is your custom - and the door obligingly swings open, crunching noise notwithstanding.
Masterhand01: >Your heart warms when you see the familiar green of your phat stax just beyond - the same shade as your coat, of course.
Masterhand01: >You had to bribe a lot of congressponies to get them to recolor the money to look like you.
Captain Moneybags: hee
Masterhand01: >Your trained eyes immediately note that you don't have one little bill out of place.
Masterhand01: >All your piles are stacked, sorted and banded precisely as you left them.
Masterhand01: >But then your much less-trained ears detect the sound of some hard, sandlike substance pouring onto the ground.
Masterhand01: >Turning to look at the source of the noise you spot - a bunch of ground-up stone falling from various nooks and crannies in your safe's door.
Captain Moneybags: WHY IS THERE CONCRETE IN MY HOME
Masterhand01: >No doubt this was the culprit of that thrice-damned noise. Somehow, rock got into the mechanism.
Masterhand01: >You must've ground it up by pushing on the handle with your uncharacteristic strength.
Masterhand01: i don't know why is there
Masterhand01: this is the mystery
Masterhand01: what do
Captain Moneybags: the only obvious thing
Captain Moneybags: 1. make money bed
Captain Moneybags: 2. tell security to sort it out
Masterhand01: >You complete step one easily enough.
Masterhand01: >Hauling some mad loot from the safe to your bed, you craft something akin to a quilt from the money.
Masterhand01: >You even throw a second layer on top to serve as a blanket, and a nice chunk for your head to rest upon.
Masterhand01: >Cause your actual blankets and pillows are also made of fucking rock today for some reason.
Masterhand01: >Step two proves to be somewhat more challenging
Captain Moneybags: >:(
Masterhand01: >Because that thing that you talk to your servants through - snow couldn't find a name by googling, so we're going to call it a hornswaggle - is guess what made of fucking rock why wouldn it be
Masterhand01: >It's not like you specifically had that shit built out of a gold-different-kind-of-gold alloy just to be fancy.
Masterhand01: >Anyway, the unmistakably cheap stone doesn't seem to transmit sound as well as your double-gold metal did.
Masterhand01: >A few moments of shouting through it yields nothing but a visit from an angry spider who apparently chose to nest in these stone tubes, and is quite livid at having been awoken.
Captain Moneybags: but why
Masterhand01: >It makes tiny spider noises while shaking a leg at you.
Masterhand01: >What do?
Captain Moneybags: well then it's time to use the old yeller
Captain Moneybags: right down the hall she goes
Captain Moneybags: SECURITY!
Masterhand01: >You throw open your bedroom doors - somehow not made of goddamned stone thank cadance - and begin shouting for security.
Masterhand01: >This accomplishes nothing for some reason.
Masterhand01: >Yes, your security team is technically on the floor below you, but given how silent the manion is, the fools should still hear your shouting.
Captain Moneybags: i s2g if security is made of rock
Masterhand01: they're not but keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Masterhand01: >What do?
Captain Moneybags: shout harder
Masterhand01: >You roll even lower and thus they hear you even less.
Captain Moneybags: roll higher
Captain Moneybags: bribe fortune
Masterhand01: >You have the strangest notion that shouting again might strain your throat.
Masterhand01: >Do it anyway?
Captain Moneybags: yes
Masterhand01: >For the third time, you shout 'SECURITY' down the hallway with all your might.
Masterhand01: >Almost immediately, a faint soreness sets into your throat. Great. Just great.
Masterhand01: >Slightly slower than immediately, you hear the clip-clopping of hooves coming down the hall towards you.
Captain Moneybags: yess
Masterhand01: >Even thorugh the dimly lit corridor, you recognize the pudgy form of your security zebra, Salama.
Masterhand01: >(it's swahili for 'safe')
Masterhand01: >"Boss! Boss!" he cries in his melodious accent.
Captain Moneybags: i s2g if he doesnt rhyme
Masterhand01: ...
Masterhand01: Well he wasn't going to.
Masterhand01: It was just going to be Zecora who did that.
Captain Moneybags: well okay then
Masterhand01: oh no we're doing this now
Captain Moneybags: if he does a good jub securing then
Masterhand01: you complained
Masterhand01: so strap the fuck in
Masterhand01: we're going to rhymetown
Masterhand01: >"You sound mad as a hatter / whatever is the matter?!"
Masterhand01: >"I apologize, for I should have come to you / the moment I realized that strangeness was working my office through!"
Captain Moneybags: does he have rocks too
Masterhand01: >You abruptly notice he's out of uniform
Masterhand01: >Which isn't like Salama. He took pride in maintaining the accoutrements of his job.
Masterhand01: >He appears to be completely nude.
Masterhand01: >Which is normal for equines anyway, but not really for your trusted guard.
Masterhand01: >What do?
Captain Moneybags: "what strangeness"
Masterhand01: >You ask your employee what he's talking about.
Masterhand01: >"My goodness, boss! I have never seen such a thing! / I was patiently watching the monitors in my office when by suit began shining!"
Masterhand01: >"The light / she was bright! So bright, boss!"
Masterhand01: >"I could not see until it cleared / and when it did, I began to fear! For my precious uniform I treasure so much / was suddenly made of stone and such!"
Captain Moneybags: GOD DAMN
Masterhand01: >"I could not move, it was so heavy / and I knew these rocks were not to be upon me!"
Masterhand01: >"So I struggled and fought / all of my hard-earned strength I brought."
Masterhand01: >"And eventually, the suit, it fell apart / which was quite the comfort to my shaken heart."
Captain Moneybags: wait if things are turning into rocks, why was there an extra rock in the safe mechanism
Masterhand01: Literally the internal mechanism turned into stone.
Captain Moneybags: did i destroy my own fucking safe
Masterhand01: You destroyed a worthless box.
Masterhand01: Relax, moneypone owns a line of safes too.
Captain Moneybags: well let the guard continue
Masterhand01: He can just grab another one off the factory line.
Masterhand01: Also Salama is done.
Masterhand01: You asked what happened, that's what happened.
Captain Moneybags: "well things turned to stone here too and I want to know who or what is responsible. Please try to figure something out while I try to get some rest. ... You were on night shift tonight, right?"
Captain Moneybags: (it is night, right?)
Masterhand01: Yes.
Masterhand01: but >pawning the quest off on an npc
Captain Moneybags: I WANT TO SLEEP ON FUCKING MONEY
Masterhand01: don't want the money to become fucking money
Masterhand01: it'll get all wet and useless
Captain Moneybags: agod damn
Masterhand01: >You say that to Salama, explaining exactly what items turned to stone.
Masterhand01: >"Boss, this sounds quite strange. / I fear that the events of tonight may be out of my range."
Masterhand01: >"However, I will try to do as you ask. / I am your guard, so this is my task."
Masterhand01: >You turn to go back into your bedroom and retire.
Masterhand01: >"Wait, boss!"
Masterhand01: >"If I am not quite mistaken / your bed, covered in your money, is now awaitin'."
Masterhand01: >"Boss, I must insist you do night sleep under your money tonight / If it turns to stone with you under it, I fear I will feel unemployment's bite."
Captain Moneybags: aww he's such a sweetums
Masterhand01: He's being a professional too.
Masterhand01: Making sure you don't get crushed certainly falls under 'keeping you safe'.
Captain Moneybags: he's probably right
Captain Moneybags: let's put it all back at record speed since we're money horse and then go find clues with him