"Ambient.Prologue Dialogue Critique"
By FrozenRaine (https://pastebin.com/u/FrozenRaine)

URL: https://pastebin.com/VCfZvb22
Created on: Monday 22nd of August 2016 12:36:34 AM CDT
Retrieved on: Saturday 31 of October 2020 01:23:31 AM UTC


I'm going to look past all the grammatical and spelling errors because that will be proof-read later down the line.

There is a lot of dialogue here.  I feel if it's just two static characters talking with no player interaction, the player will lose interest quickly.  I don't know what the plans are for implementing dialogue, but I feel if you're going to cram all this exposition and character building early on, it should be dynamic and flow well.  Perhaps have the one-on-one dialogue continue while the player is exploring or completing a quest.  Moving on, I feel like the banter between the two is a bit much.  It seems like a huge chunk of their dialogue consists of insulting each other.  The player may find it difficult to like these characters if all they do is try to one-up each other.

**Astrum**: I do! When there are finished works! But I can't stand you showing me your artwork every time you have made a new stroke by your pencil! Show me stuff when it's finished, then I will appreciate it! If it's any good.
^ This reads like word soup.  I'd shorten this up and maybe tone it down a bit.

**Astrum**: (Pause) Clouds I guess...
^ I noticed that Astrum's dialogue has a lot of ellipses and uncertainty.

Text: "IRIDESCENT 1034"
**Krini**: If the number here is a year, this artwork is about 120 years old!
^ This is a shot out of the dark, but title of this doc says 20, 7 month, **3805**.  Not sure if this is the year or not.

To add, I'm seeing a pattern in dialogue that usually consists of Krini asking a question about the world, and Astrum responding with "I dunno" or something dismissive which makes the dialogue seem pointless. This is a good opportunity to expand on lore.

As I said on the last dialogue doc, I'm very iffy on slang.  It just doesn't feel natural in a world of ponies.

Man, the more I read this, the more savage these two sound.

Adding on to the "I don't know/I dunno" issue, I'd cut back on these.  It honestly seems like Astrum does not care about anything.

Words/Phrases I see too much of: "Yeah", "Okay", "I don't know", "Well...", "Maybe", "I guess..."

The banter between Cornelius and Astrum in day 3 seems to go on for quite a bit.  The more I read through day 3, the more I see unnecessary dialogue.

**Astrum**: good luck... bastard...
^ :/

**Krinita**: They asked! And I said I have a disease on my hair...
^ Uh, what?  I feel like a better excuse can be given here or rather a more believable one.

**Astrum**: what?! no no no! You need to help me with creating more syrop!
^ "Syrop"  I keep seeing this word frequently.  Do you mean "syrup", like the sap from trees, or is it something different?

**Cornelius**: I don't wanna waste my time on you!
^ Yeah, I'd just remove this sentence.  (Day 5)

All three characters sound so mean most of the time and when they respond to insults, they sound completely unfazed.  Maybe if I were to hear it voiced it would sound different?

Not a dialogue issue, but in Day 10, I feel like the first potion could have some negating effect like the other two aside from voiding the entire day.

Some text in days 11 and 12 are hard to follow and I'm having a little bit of difficulty picking out the context from what they're saying.  Other than that, it's seems like everything's there.  My final thought is that this is a lot more dramatic than I envisioned.  Definitely get a native english speaker to work out grammatical, spelling and syntax errors since that seems to be a huge, glaring flaw at the moment.