>>5805491
>>5829866
Those are definitely two directions to take a story! Don't worry, I'm not afraid to get into heavy topics with my characters, even for silly stories you could brush off lightly like this one. [spoiler]Do worry, because this story is unfinished, and likely to remain that way.[/spoiler] Silly stories it's even easier to get into the really edgy stuff in fact, because you can balance it with a good light hearted sense of humor.

>>5851377
No hooves :ajbemused:
Oh wait, it's Atryl :ajsmug:
Everypony is furry for Atryl.

>>5837362
Well, I'm happy to make a formal melody for it, but I'm a bit too paranoid to put my voice out there. It's sort of [i]long[/i] for a song, anyway. I'm just so happy that people find it actually tolerable!

>>5837346
Awesome, glad to hear. :scootangel:

>>5838928
Ohhh, thank you so much! I love a critical look at my writing! It's so valuable to helping me become a better writer.

[quote]fair warning, from here on down are spoilers for the most recent chapter:[/quote]Oh, no spoilers??? :pinkiegasp: How am I supposed to read your review if you're just going to spoil the whole story for me!

[quote]case of the Comma Splices[/quote]I've never heard of that particular malady before. Do feel free to enlighten me. I've been told, in fact, that I used far too few commas, and needed to constantly make sure I didn't leave ambiguities in my wording, such as, for instance, what the nature is of a pretty little girls school.

...the previous sentence would sort of stand in opposition to the claim that I use too few commas. But yes I read Flowers for Algernon, and I know just how annoying pointless commas can be. And I’ve read [url=http://ohgodmywifeisgerman.com/guests/the-awful-german-language-by-mark-twain/]The Awful German Language[/url] by Mark Twain, so I know how annoying that long, tangential parentheticals can be. Doesn’t mean I never accidentally drop sentences in the middle of other sentences, though.

[quote] And then it   And then it   And then it [/quote]Oh my Bob I never realized how many "And then"s I stuffed into that. I read that section over a million times trying to capture the thrill of her experience, and never even saw that once.

[quote]orgasm unabridged[/quote]This puzzled me, because I wasn't sure if it was clear enough that Tornado had a different reaction than the other girls, but couldn't figure out a way to portray it except as a boringly clinical explanation. I can probably just elide it and let any readers scratch their heads.

[quote]Variation is pretty nice when reading something.[/quote]I agree, but on the other hand too much variation and you start getting people complaining about purple prose. I do try very hard to avoid the same phrase repeated many times in a short sequence. But considering my whole “And then” thing above, I’m clearly not very good at it. Feel free to correct me any time.

Repeating a phrase is sometimes intentional, to try and convey a sense of rhythm. “More and more, again and again” it can get really percussive. Sometimes it can give a sort of trancelike flavor. “Close your eyes and relax. Feel your breathing slow, and relax. Let the world fade away and relax. Relax.”

[quote] use a tidle (~)  to indicate brief time changes or character/perspective changes, and a few (~ ~ ~) to indicate larger time changes or character/perspective changes[/quote] ‘hr’ in square brackets, [ hr ] (without spaces) is reserved for use here as a separator. Whatever separator you like is fine, but I just wanted to make sure you knew. As for mine, in one of the chapters I was trying to be deliberately confusing as to who’s talking where, to make fun of flashbacks in general. But in the other it sort of got away from me, so yeah I should go over that again and add some separators.

[quote]go over previous chapters and improve them some time in the future.[/quote]Well, keep in mind that this story is only barely approved here. Not sure how much more effort I want to invest in it. I mean, in particular, I wish I could improve chapters 3-8 so they were allowable on fimfiction. But every bit of effort I spend improving this means less spent on [s]browsing derpibooru[/s]working on my other story, which is actually well received and hasn’t been banned before.

But that aside, yes I really value your input, and those would be really good changes to make!