Red Rum Cake #7

==== Canterlot District Court ====

> Court #2

> May 16, 9:45am

-----

>it took three days before you’re finally outside the courtroom, stripped by everything but your jeans, shoes, and a t-shirt

>Pinkie was kind enough to bring you a new pair of clothes, because appearing in “court” covered in dried blood is a bit of a poor idea

>not to say that this entire situation is ludicrous, considering your attack was righteous, and there was no way you could have fled safely

>you’re covered in cuffs and chains, like you’re the Juggernaut and they’re afraid if you move too much you’ll plow out of the castle and off the mountain to victory

>they even took your badge with the overcoat, along with your “medical” tools

>you’re going to have fun explaining that one

>your lawyer that’s to present yourself has appeared, and you asked him for the court record

>you’re barely able to hold it up as you dismiss the lawyer, preparing to represent yourself

>soon the bailiff escorts you into the defendant’s spot, where you stand before the court

>it’s a Grand Court alright, with the jury on either side of you

>what’s confusing the hell out of you is that there’s an elderly MAN sitting at the judge’s seat

>you got a shit ton of questions now

>for whatever reason they let Pinkie join your side, who’s been silent the entire time besides a simple peck on the lips

>the supposed judge crashes his gavel onto his stand, the noise quieting the previously talkative din of the crowd surveying the court

>Judge: “Order, order! Before I proceed, I would like to inquire to the defendant as to where their appointed lawyer is?”

I will be representing myself, your honor, and if I may make a request?

>Judge: “And that is?”

In all fairness, it’s difficult to defend myself, let alone look innocent, if I have this ridiculous amount of bindings on me. I possess no powers or strength that a few ponies couldn’t take care of, and considering the Princesses are here to observe, I would prefer to not make a bad appearance to our royalty.

>you nod at the solemn looking Celestia and Luna, who both carry on with their straight face in pondering

>thankfully it appears the Judge agrees with your concern, and pounds his gavel once more

>Judge: “If it’s under permissible jurisdiction, I would like to request his bindings be removed so long as he’s representing himself in the court of law. He is, as of now, innocent until proven guilty. Your majesty?”

>Celestia nods grimly and with a flick of her horn, your chains are now gone

Thank you your majesty, and your honor. If I may ask one last question before we proceed?

>Judge: “Y-yes?”

How did you even get here, your honor? As far as I could tell, I was the only human in existence here.

>Judge: “Well, simply put, I was asked politely, and I accepted. Forgive me if I can’t grant the full details.”

Very well, your honor.

>the well bearded man clears his throat to begin the proceedings

>Judge: “Is the prosecution ready?”

>you turn your head to see who the prosecutor was, and your mouth just fucking DROPS

>it appears her night time job is law study, and her day time is as a magician

>Trixie: “The prosecution is ready with decisive proof and witness, your honor.”

>Judge: “Well, then. Is the defensive attorney ready?”

I’ve been born innocent and therefore ready all my life.

-----

>before the court continues, Trixie would like to note to the story that, with obvious reasoning, she dislikes Twilight Sparkle, and any of the five ponies that sought to put Twilight on a pedestal above herself

>she loathes them, and while she may be gleeful that one of them is finally dead (and not to mention she had nothing to do with it), she is glad for the chance to put a loved one and dear friend of these wretched ponies to death

>she’ll be doing her damn best to make sure you suffer, that’s to say the least

-----

>Judge: “Ms. Trixie, if you would kindly give your opening statement.”

>Trixie: “Gladly, your honor, and I’ll make it simple: this ‘man’ killed a pony, possibly several, and he did it in cold blood.”

>Judge: “And you have reasonable evidence for this?”

>Trixie: “But of course! I wouldn’t have taken the case if it wasn’t so simple and clear-cut.”

It’ll be a shame to disappoint you when I have more than enough proof than I’ll ever need.

>she scoffs at the notion of you somehow “defeating” her with her evidence

>Trixie: “I would like to present the mediocre investigator of the crime scene as my first witness, Twilight Sparkle!”

-----

>Twilight, looking unhappier than usual, is now at the stand

>she has a leather bound folder of all sorts of documents; whether or not they support or condemn you is still a mystery

>she looks even more tired now; such is the dedication of her job to the fullest

>Trixie: “Name and *sniff* occupation, witness.”

>Twi: “Twilight Sparkle, professional investigator and agent of the crown.”

>Trixie: “I would like to note to the court that her ‘title’ for the occupation has been embellished, and she is nothing but an average pony who l-“

>OBJECTION!

Your honor, she’s antagonizing the witness! Need I remind the prosecution that the witness’s employer, her royal majesty Princess Celestia, is observing the court?”

>Trixie gawks at you in fury, unable to say anything but muttered curses

>the judge nods

>Judge: “Objection sustained. The prosecution will avoid slandering her own eyewitness, and continue within reason.”

>Trixie coughs and shrugs it off

>in a side glance to Princess Celestia, you can see a slight grin forming on her face

>Luna appears to be very mad, however

>Trixie: “As I was saying, this ‘Twilight Sparkle’ character has investigated the case of several murders in Ponyville, and in particular has made an effort to summarize the case of Mr. Anon’s recent and brutal murder.”

>this ticks off Twilight, and you can’t help but hope that she was doing just the opposite of providing proof that you’re guilty

>Trixie: “Witness, if you could testify the case?”

>Twi: “I’d be glad to.”

-----

==== Twilight Sparkle’s Testimony: The Facts ====

1.) It was approximately May 14th at around 10:00am when the murder occurred.

2.) The victim, Fluttershy, was attacking the defendant’s door with a mechanical tool that shreds anything it touches, committing the assault for unknown reason.

3.) Upon seeing the defendant on the roof of his home, the victim flew up and attacked him, and resorted to attempt killing the defendant.

4.) I personally appeared in an effort to stop the victim, destroying the weapon, only to be knocked out with another of her weaponries.

5.) I was told that during this time, the defendant pulled out one of several weapons he had on him, and proceed to defeat Fluttershy when she wasn’t looking, impaling her wing and eventually ending her with a cut through her neck.

6.) When I came to, the defendant had been arrested and the victim killed with the slice to her throat.

==== End Testimony ====

>Judge: “Well, it seems that it’s obvious that this was questionably an act of self-defense, although some points are making it ques-“

>OBJECTION!

>Trixie: “Your honor, Equestrian law dictates that ‘No pony may slay another pony, regardless of the reasoning’. To slay another pony is guilty by nature.”

>the judge is infuriated and shocked by this

>Judge: “Not even if it means that it save another or your own life?”

That’s exactly the problem here!

>Trixie: “This is the law, and as a judge of that law, you are to respect and uphold it.”

>the judge is obviously not pleased with this, but continues nonetheless

>Judge: “Mr. Anon, I certainly hope you have some sort of proof that excuses you of being the killer.”

I will do my best.

>Judge: “Very well, you may begin your cross examination.”

==== Cross-Examination: The Facts ====

>press Statement 2

Twilight Sparkle, you said that the victim had a ‘mechanical tool that shreds anything it touches’, correct?

>Twi: “Yes. I believe that you termed it as a chainsaw, right?”

Precisely. When was this weapon believed to be used previously?

>OBJECTION!

>Trixie: “The weapon the victim may or may not have had is irrelevant to this case, I object to the witness responding to that!”

>OBJECTION!

>you slam your hands on the table

That weapon is a key point in solving this case; it has everything to do with it!

>the jury begins to talk aloud, the court noisy with conversation

>the gavel of justice swings down dominantly

>Judge: “Order, ORDER! I will have order in this court, so long as I am the judge here! Anon, what is the meaning of this? Is the chainsaw that the victim used really that crucial to this case?”

>*Yes, it is crucial* or *No, nothing important*

Yes it is, your honor, and I will prove it if you let me continue.

>he nods in consent

>Judge: “Very well, please carry on.”

>Trixie: “Tch!”

*Ahem* Twilight, where was this chainsaw notable earlier that morning?

>Twi: “It was likely used in the murder of Bon Bon, whom we discovered and investigated about two hours prior.”

Would you say that it was proven that Fluttershy had killed Bon Bon, having such a one-of-a-kind weapon at her disposal?

>Twilight: “Yes. Later confrontation showed that she was wearing a sweater personally made by Rarity, who admitted that the cloth was only used in an order by the victim long ago.”

>you grin triumphantly at this

Then it’s already evident that I’m innocent in this case.

>Twi: “Huh?”

>Trixie: “WHAT?!”

>you provide a photo of the Investigation Badge from the court order

Do you know what this is, Twilight?

>OBJECTION!

>Trixie: “More… more irrelevant evidence! Judge, bring this murderer to his senses!”

>Judge: “Mr. Anon, do explain yourself!”

It’s easy. Twilight Sparkle possesses one of these, as did I when I stopped Fluttershy.

>Judge: “’Stopped’, you say?”

Yes. If memory serves me correctly, Twilight told me that wearing this puts me at the same level as royalty, being an agent of the crown. Is this correct, Twilight?

>Twi: “In all technicality, yes.”

It is usually the Princesses’ rights to execute an order to terminate any pony who slains another pony?

>Twi: “Err, yes, although we usually don’t have to deal with murder.”

Under my rights as an agent to her royal majesty, I was able to pass judgement over the guilty victim, and execute her!

>Trixie: “Guh! But the knives, you are equipped to kill with poisons and blades!”

>you wag a finger at her

I am a doctor by trade, and those “poisons” were all sedatives. Didn’t you check them for their content?

>Trixie is hit by the blow, and Pinkie pats you on the back

>Pinkie: “Keep it up, Anon!”

I was under attack, and while it is against the law to kill a pony under normal circumstances, I had vials that could have made her unconscious; I would have used them if it weren’t for…

>you stop, choosing your words carefully

>Judge: “If it weren’t for what, Anon?”

I was going to incapacitate her until she swung at me with the chainsaw, and hit my ear.

>you point at the stitches in your left ear, and Twilight flinches

At that point, I had no choice but to use my royal powers before she killed another pony… and myself. I would like to quote Trixie as well that “No pony may slay another pony, regardless of the reasoning”. Your honor, if my innocence hasn’t been proven twice over already, I would like to conclude that the law applies to “ponies”, and no one else. While I follow the Equestrian laws as everyone else, as of right now I am under no certain extension of this law.

>it was the final blow before Trixie knew it, and she crumples in defeat

>Trixie: “You’re a horrible liar…”

I am indeed a horrible liar and I admit that, knowing that everything I said was nothing but the absolute truth.

>the judge shakes his head in dismay, the confusion forcing him to be wary

>Judge: “Your, er… majesty, Princess Celestia. If I may inquire, what is your opinion to the statements made by Mr. Anon?”

>she thinks carefully for almost a full minute before responding

>Celestia: “While I find the death of Fluttershy one we all must mourn for, no matter the circumstance, I believe Mr. Anon is correct in saying that he did it under rightful duty.”

>you give a sigh of relief

>Celestia: “Furthermore, the law that caused him to suffer such humiliation in court and jail has been recognized as ‘outdated’. Only once in the longest of times has a pony been murdered, and with these new acts appearing, I can only blame myself for not taking responsibility over making sure Anon isn’t blamed. Having a new creature in our world, it is only natural for some ponies to be… suspicious of his activities.”

>she glances at Twilight Sparkle, who lowers deeper into her seat at the stand

>Celestia: “I see no problem against his statement, and I ask you to continue as you see fit, Mr. Judge.”

>it appears that Luna had something of a more opposite fashion to say in regards to this, but remains silent, although seething

>Judge: “Very well. In this very short court session, I can only see that the truth is clear; not only did Anon vanquish a killer, he did so in both self-defense and to protect his friend. With the authorities backing his noble actions, I can only give one verdict:”

>he slams the gavel to its resting place

>NOT GUILTY

-----

>you don’t understand why confetti is flying down, but you grin at being elated

>this will help with the ponies being less suspicious at your activities

>who will be able to stop you now?

>Trixie gives a gagging noise before she takes her leave

>as Pinkie sweeps into your arms, you kiss her as Twilight joins the two of you

>Twi: “That was awesome, Anon! You even were recognized by the Princess as innocent!”

>you manage to force out a tear to increase your façade with how grateful you are, looking at the still sitting princess

>she smiles warmly at the sight, nodding before taking her leave

>Princess Luna is staring daggers at you still; what is her problem?

-----

>a few hours later, you’re outside your home with Pinkie and Twilight, your medical tools, overcoat, and badge returned and still intact

>they’re both cheerful and sad at the same time, having you saved over Fluttershy’s passing

When is the funeral? While she may have tried killing me… I respect that she may have been a misunderstood friend of you two.

>Twi: “It will be soon; they didn’t want to bury her until the case was closed. And Anon…”

Yes?

>Twi: “Thank you for not telling them that I was the one that sliced your ear. I know it was an accident, but it would have likely led to consequences with the Princess.”

It’s fine; just try not to do it again, alright?

>you wink at her, and she clamps onto your leg in relief, having likely been guilt ridden for the mishaps

>she gives her goodbyes as you and Pinkie head inside

That was a close one, huh? I thought I was done for.

>Pinkie: “I thought so too!”

Well, geez, thanks for the note of confidence!

>you both chuckle as you unlock the door (it now has a slight gash in the steel now), and upon entering you realize you and Pinkie are not alone

>closing the door quietly behind you, the two of you stare at the unexpected company

What are you doing here… Princess Luna?

-----

>the dark mare was quietly sitting in your chair, reading Zecora’s herbal book

>she continues for a moment before using her magic to close it and place it aside

>Luna: “I was hoping we could talk for a bit, the three of us.”

I’d rather you leave, but considering you’re royalty, I don’t have much choice. How did you break in?

>she points at the hallway mischievously

>Luna: “I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘breaking in’. You left the door to your roof open when I had you arrested.”

>you walk over to the hallway, as Pinkie takes the couch

>sure enough, it is open, how nice of them not to close it

>you do so now, locking both of the trapdoors

>walking back in, you see Luna and Pinkie glaring at each other

>it appears neither of them are interested in funny business

I’d normally offer my company tea, but seeing how you’re uninvited, I don’t have any prepared. Anything else I can suggest?

>she shakes her head nonchalantly

>Luna: “I wouldn’t take anything from you, Anon. You would likely have it poisoned to kill me, or something worse.”

>joining Pinkie on the couch, you raise both your hands in mock submission

That’s quite an accusation, Princess! Why would I kill one of our fair rulers, let alone anybody?

>Luna: “Any… body?”

Pony, my apologies. You seem to think that with this trial, I’m some ruthless killer; that’s a bit harsh, especially after what your older sister said, no?

>Luna: “Tia may trust you. However, I do not. I know what you did to Blueblood. Don’t even bother denying it; I had my ways of finding out. I swear I will prove you guilty of all the ponies you’ve killed, and rid of your scum from Equestria forever.”

>you drop the smile like a bomb for Hiroshima

First off- stop accusing me, I have credible alibis IF I were accused, not to mention it is believed that Queen Chrysalis was involved in that-

>Luna: “Funny how easy it is to pretend to be someone else, isn’t it, Anon?”

>she’s taking gut blows at you now, and thankfully you have infinite patience for ponies like her

If I were a changeling, yes. Anyhow, know that I’ll be talking to your sister about this outrage you’re tossing at me. I am not someone to be antagonized wrongly.

>she gets to the floor, standing ready

>the obelisk is resting on the table innocently, but it would be a tough scenario to pull off

>Luna: “Are you threatening me, Anon?”

No, but I’m giving a fair warning; to go strolling about making random accusations has its own repercussions. Now, I must ask you to leave, before I have to contact someone who’s actually important here. I’ll see you to the door.

>you go to stand, but she raises a hoof to signal you to stop

>Pinkie is ready to tear this fucker apart, but you rest a hand on her straighten mane

Relax, she’s not going to do anything.

>Luna sneers before standing in the middle of the room

>Luna: “Goodbye, Anon. You’re lucky I couldn’t find anything in here. Rest assured, I’ll be watching your every move.”

>you realize what she’s about to do

Luna, stop, don’t-!

>she tries to teleport, and teleports she does

>she disappears and the walls go from a slight white tint to a hot pink

>the sign that the teleport blocking magic has been activated

>thankfully (or hopefully) Luna is now somewhere in Ponyville, covered in warnings

Serves her right. I’m hungry, would you like some lunch?

>you turn to Pinkie, only to see her still upset

>Pinkie: “I… I don’t like her.”

>you try to change the topic in an effort to sooth her, running your hand down her mane

Your hair looks very nice, and the house is very clean. Glad to see you can live without me!

>perhaps this made her distraught even more, but at least it was out of concern for you over her wrath for Luna

>Pinkie: “Anon! I couldn’t handle sleeping alone! It’s dark, and empty… I hate being alone. Just like when I waited downstairs for you, and you never came…”

Don’t worry, it was only for then. Tonight, it’ll be you, me, and a nice warm blanket.

>Pinkie: “…No bad dreams?”

I’ll scare them away, Pinkie Promise.