Red Rum Cake #4

>you’re silently strolling with Twilight, who’s quite flabbergasted

>Twi: “You… you lied to me!”

Yes, but it was an aftereffect of me lying to HER. I’m telling you the truth now.

>she thinks furiously, ready to call the guards and tackle Pinkie down

Before you make any rash decisions, there are a couple questions you need to ask.

>Twi: “What, what?”

The first: if Pinkie tried to attack me, why am I now housing and sheltering her?

>Twi: “Because you’re bucking crazy!”

>you simply cannot help but grin at people pointing out the obvious, in sarcasm or truth

I’m ignoring that. Do you want the answer to my question?

>she thinks this over, time constraints building pressure on her

>Twi: “Yes, I think I would like an explanation to why one of my friends is sheltering a murderer.”

She’s not a murderer; she’s also YOUR friend as well. She’s been lonely, Twilight.

>she scoffs at this

-----

Here, let me ask you this: if you were abandoned by your cherished friends, and you were slowly ostracized after being the center of parties and attention for long, would you snap?

>Twi: “No, I wouldn’t.”

Then that’s good and all for you. I personally know how it feels, and to see a desperate mare doing anything for attention broke my heart. I’m going to take care of her until she feels better.

>Twilight sighs at this, having lost all rational reasoning to this absurd situation

>Twi: “And you think she isn’t a murderer?”

I will prove it, or at least do my damn best to try; when I fought with her, I easily overpowered her, and all she had was a flimsy kitchen knife. She knicked me, as you saw, but I took her out and she fled. I took us home, treated my injuries, and once you left, I began searching for her. After a couple of hours, I found her in an alley, bleeding out a bit, and crying for her parents. I took her in, and look how she’s acting now.

>Twi: “But what does that have to do with her not being a-“

Think, Twilight; she had no motive, and her methods are weak enough that I avoided it. However… I understand you may suspect her of murdering the others; she did have the potential when she was down enough. I’m going to be working on her trust, see if I can get any info out of her. If she is a murderer, I can only assume she has her hideout somewhere where she was staying at-

>Twi: “At Mrs. Cake’s, where she’s heading now.”

>the guards reappear, and she shoos them away a second time

Yes. If we can spot her doing anything suspicious in there, we can use that to pinpoint this as evidence. However… I will be proving her innocence, and have her turn over a leaf.

>we’re now in the middle of Ponyville, as stalls are slowly being opened up

>Twi: “So, what you’re trying to say is… is that Pinkie Pie’s assault on you is her only crime, and you’re absolutely sure that she has nothing to do with the murder of Mr. Cake, or any other of the ponies missing?”

Positive. If I’m wrong, I promise to tell you. However, you can bet your library assistant that I’ll be telling you every time I can prove her blameless.

>she grins at you falling for her trap

>Twi: “You do understand you just took the oath to become an Equestrian Detective, right?”

Of course- wait, WHAT?!

>ponies are freaking staring at you, and you hurry up your route to Sugarcube Corner

>Twi: “Oh come on, Anon. You might not be a pony, but you’ve been helping me out with this case here more than anyone else! You see things that others don’t, not even me. We’ve never witnessed this kind of stuff before; and if you can deduct Pinkie into being acquitted, you could just as easily prove someone guilty, right?”

Doesn’t that make me a defense attorney working as a prosecutor?

>Twi: “Silly, that makes you a detective! Come on, please~! For me?”

>she pulls out a shiny little badge out of nowhere, like the one she’s wielding on her… somehow

>you seriously hope she didn’t pin it into her skin

>she uses magic to press it into one of your hands

Shouldn’t the Princess know you’re doing this?

>Twi: “Actually… Princess Celestia already knows. I asked her long ago, and she said if I trusted you, that I could do it.”

>well, shit dude

Well, uh, hm. Alright, I’ll do it- but don’t expect me to go out every damn morning to go for crime scene walks by the beaches.

>she jumps in glee, it’s like she proposed to you and you accepted

>Twilight proposing to a human, that’s preposterous!

-----

>you look at the little badge of sorts

>it’s a plated gold, you can tell that much

>a grooved circle of sorts; it looks like… well like this

>http://media.animevice.com/uploads/2/22504/508711-photo60294.jpg

This looks oddly familiar…

>Twi: “Well, of course it should, I wear it all the time!”

>you find there are no pins or such on the back

>you press it to your overcoat

>it sticks in a defiant manner to your overcoat

Huh. So, what does it do?

>Twi: “Well, uh… it basically shows you’re an agent of the crown, and people have to treat you in the same position as the nobles. If you have reasonable proof, you can enter any domain, and give orders to any of the royal guards. That’s pretty much it.”

>pretty much it, my ass!

>you just gave one of Equestria’s darkest (and only by default) man the power to defy the law and abuse it!

Alright, I’ll be sure to use this to my advantage if I find any clues. Thank you, Twilight.

-----

>Twi: “Like I said, I was only to give this to you when I trust you. Well, I trust you- enough to have you tell me what I should do.”

You and me both, sister. While I may be keeping a hell of an eye on Pinkie, we don’t have any clues on whoever is doing this.

>you say this upon approaching Mrs. Cake’s pastry shop, and you open the door for Twilight

>she beams at you for always being the gentlemen

>soon the two of you are in the store, where you meet Pinkie in a very questionable (and new) maid suit

>Pinkie: “Hiya, guys! Want some cake and punch? It might be punch, but it sure has a ‘kick’ to it!”

>Twilight twitches at the thought, her luck with this store and the bakery special not the best

Yeah, I can work with a piece of cake. Just make sure there isn’t anything in the drinks again… please?

>Pinkie: “Only because you said please, hehe~!<3”

>you and Twilight take your seats, and you admire the room

>it doesn’t look like a murder almost took place a day ago

>scanning around the room, you see the wall where the door appeared is quite intact

>what the hell- did she remove the entire doorway?

>it’s as if Pinkie can warp the laws of reality with each of her jokes

>the door, the cake, the ability to grab things

Hey Twilight, can you pick that up?

>you point at the spoon next to her

>Twi: “Err… yeah, why?”

>she lifts it up with her magic

>fucking unicorns

No, I mean with your hoof.

>she gives you a look of befuddlement, lowers the utensil, and reaches for it with her hoof

>lo and behold, it appears ponies have invisible fingers

Well, damn.

>Twi: “What is it, a clue?”

No, I was wondering how the hell Pinkie Pie can pick up things; apparently all ponies can do it.

>she rolls her eyes at you, as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world

>Twi: “Well, duh? Can’t you?”

Yes, but I have flexible phalanges. You do not.

>she shrugs it off, because apparently you’re in the dark with pony logic

>despite bunking with Pinkie Pie

>a great platter with a somewhat outsized cake unexpectedly crashes onto the table, along with two fat mugs

>you nearly have a heart attack at the surprise, clutching your chest

>Twilight is spewing spaghetti all over the table

>Pinkie: “There ya go~! One super *awesome* Pinkie cake with extra sprinkles, and two drinks with nothing in it!”

>you glance into the mug

>it appears to be water

Uh, Pinkie…

>Pinkie: “Yes, Anon~<3?”

You’re a tricky motherfucker, I like that.

>Pinkie: “Hehe, I know!”

>with that, she sits down next to us with no intention of leaving

-----

>so, now it’s the three of you in an awkward silence, each on different teams in your own right

>you and Twilight to catch Pinkie in the act (which you won’t let happen anytime soon) or to found the “real” culprit

>and you and Pinkie soon to engage in the activities that Twilight is so desperately trying to catch

>you know that if you’re to succeed, one of them will have to fall, perhaps both

>either is expendable ultimately if it comes down to your life

>it’s a cold thought, but a true one in the end

>Pinkie strikes up a cheerful topic with Twilight, and they’re both talking about how they’ve been the past couple of weeks

>these mares really don’t talk to each other much since Twilight delved into the dark job of murder investigation

>yes, you may or may not have created Pinkie into her own demon indirectly

>you’ll be soon be in redemption with your sins… in your own right

Excuse me, Pinkie, but where is the little colt’s room? I need to piss.

>although Twilight is put off by your slight vulgarity, but Pinkie is unbothered

>Pinkie: “Just go down the hall past the kitchen and it’s on the left~!”

Alright, be right back.

>you stand up and Pinkie steals your spot, despite several other chairs about, and she blows you a raspberry while you pace off

>cocky motherfucker, we’ll see how she acts tonight

-----

>you face the bathroom door, and you grab the handle and give it a slight jerk back and forth

>out of earshot of the other mares, you mutter under your breath

Of course it’s fucking locked…

>you sneak through the nearest door to the kitchen, and pull out a small notebook and pen from your pocket

>you first pull off a slip of paper and scribble a note for Pinkie Pie:

“Pinkie: Do not say anything when I pick you up from work until I say it’s ok to do so.”

>you quietly tear out a second paper, and you get to writing one for Twilight:

“Twilight: I’ll get you a report if I find anything within a week.”

>it was halfway through writing Twilight’s letter when Pinkie bursts in

>Pinkie: “Hey Anon, I forgot I locked the bathroom! … What are you doing in here?”

I, err… am just… writing a note… hey! Don’t read it!

>Pinkie: “Hehe, sorry~!”

>you viciously give her the coldest of stares, along with a finger at your mouth

>she realizes something is up, and you point at her note before walking out

Geez… can you bring us some actual fruit punch?

>Pinkie: “Okie dokie lokie~! <3”

>steadily making your way back to the table, you sit down and discreetly slip the folded note to Twilight

>she looks at it interestedly

Read later, hide now.

>with a flash, it disappears as two new sets of mugs slam down

Good lord, you’re fast.

 -----

>you finished the cake and chat away with the two for an hour

>finally morning in the right sense, you bid your farewells as you run some errands

>Pinkie: “See ya later, silly butt~!”

>Twi: “Take care of yourself.”

Yup. You have fun, you two.

>it appears Twilight is ready to leave, but Pinkie has her on hook and tenders with questions and stories

>thankfully it’s only words and not metal

>for now

>you make your way over to Rarity’s sweatshop of a home

>knocking on her door, she’s dead surprised to see you as a costumer again

>Rarity: “Oh, hello, err-…?”

It’s Anon. I was hoping you could make a few things for me.

>Rarity: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, but I really do have a lot of orders right now and-“

>you jingle a modest bag full of rubies, pulling one out to show her

>you keep this for moments like these, and you can see the drool in her mouth

>Rarity: “… Come on in, hurry!”

>she shuffles you in hurriedly, and you’re soon sitting on one of her puffy seats as she gets to work

>Rarity: “So, my sweet and dear Anon! What can I get you?”

A blanket, a spare set of the nightwear for myself, and…

>Rarity: “And~?”

>you mumble the last of the three things intelligibly

>Rarity: “Beg your pardon?”

>you mutter it again

>Rarity: “What was that, dear?”

>you shout it to the world this time, embarrassed for asking such a thing

>Rarity: “Oh, oh my! Well, I won’t question your tastes, but if it’s for a good reason, I’ll get on it right away!”

>nodding in the most annoyed fashion, you toss the bag onto a near table

>after about an hour, you’re handed the three products, all in excellent detail and condition

Thanks, Rarity. Your work never ceases to amaze me.

>she flutters her eyes at you in such a seductive manner

>better be for fucking show, because you wouldn’t touch this mare with a cattle prod

>Rarity: “Oh darling, you keep bringing me these beauties, and there’ll be no telling what I’ll be making you!”

>you give your goodbyes, and you’re soon heading back home, package in hand

-----

>this has been the moment you’ve been waiting for

>you’ve been silently pissed with paranoia ever since you got it, and now you’re in front of your door

>having taken steps just in case in the past couple hours, you unlock it with a couple of keys, and you pluck off the badge Twilight has given you and moved it past the doorframe

>to your dismay and disappointment, you see the anti-magic barrier going to work

>the badge shines and is suddenly dispelled from the magic casted on it, two runes smoking from it

>one was in the shape of a square with an “X” in the corner- a locator spell

>you knew this spell quite well; it can tell you EXACTLY where you were

>if you walked into your basement, it would have caused a major setback

>the other rune was in the shape of an ear- you don’t even have to explain that one

>so Twilight (or whoever gave it to her) had enchanted the badge to eavesdrop and track your every move

Bloody unicorns.

>you make your way into the door, and you check for any signs of forced entry as you turn on a light

>you see the walls are the same color, there’s no blood

>good, no unicorns have learned the horrors of forcing themselves in

>you kindly warned Twilight of it:

>the first cast sends you across Ponyville in a random location with confetti that says “no” and “bad” taped to

>second cast disembowels you

>you figure a third warning isn’t needed

-----

>you lay down the things you’ve gotten from Rarity, and you grab a cigarette, lighting it as you go downstairs

>admiring the cleanliness of the area for only a moment, you pull out a hunk of wood and begin whittling it down slowly into a vague shape

>leaving the wooden canvas generically ready, you go and draw the “new” victim for this month, again flittering your fingers across the surface before purging through the paper

>slowly pulling out the strip, you solemnly unfold it to see the next person who must fall in the duty of your twisted justice

>seeing the name, you grimace and shudder, and you turn to the books on the pony

>you see something that sticks like a thorn in your side

Great, a fucking unicorn. Looks like I’m going big this time, too.

>you’ve worked with this pony before

>embezzlement, coercion, even sexual assault using power as pressure

>you worked with the guy a few times to take care of “personal business”, which landed you nicely with bits

>it appears it’s his time to go be the victim of his own work

-----

>after hours of planning and preparation, it’s late evening when you go to pick up Pinkie from her job/hobby thing

>her face is plastered to the window when she sees you, and it slides with each step you take

>you should have realized this before, but she was waiting for you to open the door to tackle you to the ground

>Pinkie: “Anon-Anon-Anon-Anon!”

Pinkie, don’t tackle me like that unless I’m garbed in a dozen pillows and a bubble around me.

>now on your chest, she suddenly realizes that she was supposed to be quiet until you give the go-ahead, and zips her lips right there

>she literally now has transplanted a zipper over her lips

>if it wasn’t so gruesome look, you’d laugh at the sheer sight of it

>you opt to ruffle her mane and shoving her off of you

Are you ready to go home?

>her eyes shine at the word “home”, but keeps to her determined oath of silence, and hops to your side

>you’re both inaudibly making your trek home when you realize something

Oh, you’re fine, Pinkie.

>she looks at your for confirmation

>you look around carefully, as if admiring the world

Yup.

>she launches herself into the air, and lands on your heads and shoulders

I didn’t mean it was ok to do THAT.

>Pinkie: “Oh, but Anon~! I missed you so much~ <3”

You shouldn’t attach yourself to me so much; there are a lot other people that are your friends, you know.

>Pinkie: “But none that know me like you doooo! Plus, it’s so fun to make you laugh and smile!”

Yeah, well, you better believe that you’re gonna be working for it.

>Pinkie smiles, her hooves around your neck and head

>you try to avoid the feeling of something on the back of your neck

>something squishy

-----

>you’re both soon home, and you relocate Pinkie from your shoulders before locking the door

>as soon as the last bolt stuck in place, you heave a huge sigh, finally able to give up the façade

I fucking hate unicorns. Even the most innocent ones. They bloody think they can do something others cannot with magic… Pinkie, take a look at this.

>you pull off the badge with some effort, and place it on the table for her to look at before rummaging through a drawer in the lampstand

>Pinkie: “Oh my, it appears you’re a detective now, how honorable.”

>it appears she’s back to normal

Yeah, well, I’ve been using THIS on it for almost two hours, just to remove any traces on it.

>you show a small black obelisk with odd runic markings on it, and you press it on the badge

>nothing happens, thankfully

>Pinkie: “And what does that do, if I may be so bold to ask?”

Two things; it cancels out any casted spells it touches, and reveals what the incantation is. There’s an anti-magic barrier in the doorframe, and as soon as I passed in here, a couple bad boys dissipated off of that thing. She was trying to track me and eavesdrop on me.

>Pinkie: “And you made sure it was removed?”

Yes.

>Pinkie: “What is the second thing it does?”

>you show her the point of the obelisk

I fuck any ponies up at try to enter the bathroom while I shower, if you’ll excuse me.

>she giggles at the more violent use for the seemingly harmless object on the table

>Pinkie: “Anon, you’re so silly~! But I wanna shower too, and I’m hungryyy!”

>she gives her infamous look of plea

>persuasion +15

>roll D20

>you get an 18 this time

Sorry, toots, you can hop in after I’m done, I’ll run the water for you once I get out. Dinner’s on the table.

>she groans in disappointment, and starts humming a song as she makes her way into the kitchen

>before you make it into the bathroom, you remember something

Oh, Pinkie, I forgot to tell you something; two things, in fact.

>she bursts out of the kitchen into the hallway, in full bathroom gear

>shower cap, scrub brush, rubber ducky

>where the hell does she get these things?

>Pinkie: “Yesss, Anon~?”

Three things now; no, you’re still not getting in here with me.

>Pinkie: “D’awww, but Anon, it’s more fun in the bath when there’s two!”

Too bad, I like the serenity of the water. Second thing is, there’s a pair of silk pajamas that are the same material as mine for you. I got them from Rarity earlier if you want to wear them.

>you point at the things you got from Rarity earlier, the final request you made being purple silk pajamas for a mare Pinkie’s size

>Pinkie’s face shoots from pitiable to utmost glee, ready to clear mountains on her path to the package

>her blanket goes flying out of the way

Oh, that’s yours, too.

>you walk back into the living room as she marvels at the soft design of the comforter, feeling the texture and smelling the scent of freshly cleaned

>as you unbutton the shirt for your shower, you can’t help but admire the detail of Rarity’s work

>it’s to your surprise that Pinkie is in tears

What, is it not your color? I can get a different one, if you want.

>she looks at you like she’s about to breakdown

>the hell should you do?

>you kneel down in an awkward motion

>Pinkie: “N-... no one… gives me gifts like these anymore… A-Anon, thank you…!”

>she literally falls into your arms wailing

>she wraps herself into a blanket cocoon, and you pat her on the back

Hey, you’re under my command, now. I told you that you won’t be sad when I’m around, alright? So, stop crying like I did something wrong, and smile for me, Pinkie.

>she looks up at you with the widest eyes she could offer, and forces a wide grin

>the look is ridiculous, and you start laughing as you let her go

>you immediately stop when she pulls a small knife out of nowhere, ready to swing down

-----

Pinkie, stop.

>she freezes, her face carved into a grave look

What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?

>her eyes, focused on the blanket, slowly travel up to you as her hair loses its will to defy gravity

>Pinkie: “Anon, this blanket means I am going to sleep on the couch now. Even this beautiful cloth is worth sacrificing if it means I can spend another moment in your arms.”

Who said you are going to the couch?

>Pinkie: “… You did.”

You see, that’s where these come in.

>you pull out your new pair of nightwear, as well as a single smaller cloth

>she marvels at it, admiring it from every view

Hopefully with these on, you won’t be able to attach yourself to me again like this morning. See how it covers your hooves? Brilliant.

>you hand it to her, as you take the clothes and make your way to the bathroom

>she smiling through her tears at this sight, having never been spoiled this way before

>Pinkie: “Anon… thank you… for helping me, I mean it.”

>you lean on the frame of the bathroom door

Of course, Pinkie; you’re mine now, and I’ll take care of you.

>she looks at you with what could be the joyful face Equestria has to offer

Oh, and the third thing. We’re going to Canterlot soon, I drew the next person to be reeked justice; I figured we could team up for it.

>Pinkie’s eyes begin to fucking glitter at these words; like she won a beauty pageant and her long lost parents are bringing the crown

>her hair regains some fluffy composure

>Pinkie: “Ooo, yay~! Who is it~~~?”

This will be the hardest capture yet. Some royal fucker that’s been oppressing for far too long.

We’re going to incarcerate and execute Prince Blueblood.

>you catch the last of Pinkie’s joyous cheering as you close the door to the bathroom

>end