Red Rum Cake #16

>you’re standing outside of Twilight’s treehouse-library-home, and your jaw is unhinged

>of all the most bizarre things you’ve laid witness to, this counts as the strangest of today thus far

>there is a well-constructed figurine of some sort that rests to the right of Twilight’s door

>you’re trying to figure out the composition of the material; aluminum, iron perhaps

>but the actual figure itself is what’s stoking your curiosity

>it looks like a robot of sorts, something you’d expect from your old world

>Japanese, maybe

>you glance at your watch to make sure you’re here on time just as Twilight steps up, grinning sheepishly

>Twi: “Heya, Anon.”

===== TIME PARADOX

BettySpaghetti[13:12:05]: Uh... heya

Brainhorn[13:12:12]: Hey, baby.

Brainhorn[13:13:02]: Hello?

BettySpaghetti[13:13:15]: Sorry, was working on something, what’s up

Brainhorn[13:13:30]: Do you wanna have sex?

BettySpaghetti[13:13:44]: ok

===== TIME PARADOX END

You know what I’m going to ask, aren’t you?

>she fidgets, trying to avoid making eye contact with the titanic statue next to her

>it demands her attention, lest sacrifices must be made

>Twi: “Uhm… if we should go see Fluttershy’s house?”

>she gives a classic grin, like she knows her side tracking is failing miserably

Twilight Sparkle.

>Twi: “Look, I know you want to ask about the Gundam statue-“

The what, now?

>Twi: “It doesn’t matter, alright? It’s… personal.”

>she’s giving you a familiar look, inciting you to press the topic with dangerous purpose

>you’re not exactly interested in how it got there so much as the absurdity of it existing

Whatever, let’s just see this ‘new agent’ pony.

>grateful that you’re willing to ignore the paradox on her lawn, the two of you begin the fun journey through Ponyville and towards Fluttershy’s house

>Twi: “So, how was the, uh… ‘date’?”

Let’s see… went to see you and the Princess, was attacked poorly by a guard, saw a play for fillies where Pinkie gave me a handjob, went to my secretly owned club-

>Twi: “Wait, what?!”

What part are you what-ing at?

>Twi: “You went to see a play and she did THAT?”

Behold the power of the estrus cycle making mares a tad horny; I seriously don’t know how you fuckers can manage yourselves. It’s like you see ‘oh hey estrus season’, and use it as a reason to go bucking wild and jump someone’s bones.

>Twi: “…”

…?

>Twi: “Sigh, it’s anyp0ny*, Anon.”

I’m not going to resort to such trivial spelling changes unless I have to. Anyhow, went to secretly owned club-

>Twi: “What?!”

Look, I’m not going to respond beyond this statement if you don’t detail what you keep making random exclamations for.

>you pass Sugarcube Corner with her, to see that the shop is managing well, despite the lack of Pinkie Pie

>whether or not Pinkie’s place there is a mystery, as is her salary

>Twi: “You own a club? What is a… club?”

It’s a business place you’d go to in order to socialize in a more relaxing manner.

>Twi: “How so? I like to talk with friends while I read; that’s relaxing enough without having to pay for it…”

Then the club is not for you. It’s a place where ponies meet up to party their hearts out while under the influence of flashing lights and music. Normally alcohol too, but I learned from Pinkie Pie that it’s a good idea not to introduce such a thing.

>back at the house, busy battering a cake up, Pinkie’s neck cricks

>Pinkie: “Oooaugh! Someone used my full name!”

>anyhow

>Twi: “Alcohol, as in the acidic chemicals?”

Yes, there are drinks in my old world that contain a certain amount of an alcohol that inhibits the senses, loosens you up perse. Again, considering the time of year for mares, it would be a regrettable decision to reveal its potency.

>Twi: “I know what most alcohols are, and I can say with fact that none of them are particularly safe to ingest. In fact I’m almost certain that drinking an alcohol can kill you quite easily.”

If you’re good with chemistry and the biological knowledge of the liver, you should know that with trace amounts, alcohol is not immediately lethal for the body; in fact, a moderate amount of wine, which is an alcohol based from fruits such as apples, can help your liver work properly.

>you look to the skies, admiring the clouds passing by

Or so I was told, I don’t know how legitimate that information is. Anyhow, alcohol is bad.

-----

>Twi: “No shit.”

What?

>the two of you are trailing a dirt pathway through a park of sorts, the outskirts of Ponyville now in sight

>you’re shocked that Twilight said such a word

>not that you don’t mind vulgarity, but there’s no way she would have known that phrase

>unless…

Are you imprinting off of my slang, Twilight Sparkle?

>she blushes, guilty as charged

>Twi: “Sometimes I feel the vocabulary here in Equestria is a bit… lacking. You have words that I don’t even know what they mean, but I know what they’re intended for, so I use them when I see fit.”

In my world to use such language is to be rude.

>she gasps at this

>Twi: “Then why would you use it, then?!”

Because… I’m rude.

>it takes a moment before the two of you laugh at this

>Twi: “Alright, but no other ponies know what it means, so I guess it’s alright. Mind telling me what ‘shit’ is?”

You really want to know?

>you spend the next ten minutes explaining to her vulgar terms and their meanings, alongside the origins of some before you get close to what can only be Fluttershy’s home

>Twi: “So, if I called Trixie a shit-eating pussy, that would mean…?”

That she is a magician who is infatuated with devouring fecal manner and is terrified of numerous things that entail even minor danger.

>you both share a small chuckle at your healthy explanation as you pass the gates into the lawn of the home in question

So. Here it is.

>there’s caution tape of sorts everywhere, along with official signs depicting several messages

>they all seem to point to one thing: GTFO

>Twi: “Yes, and we were supposed to meet the new agent here, but…”

>???: “Worry not, I’m here.”

-----

>she was apparently behind the two of you most of this time

>you ponder as to why she would do this as you turn around

>you decide to reprioritize other thoughts the moment you see who it was

Y-… YOU!

>Twi: “You know her, Anon?”

>the mare in question was, without a doubt, the one from the train cart

She was jerking off on the train ride home, when Pinkie and I were heading home!

>the pony’s mane spikes out in response, devastated that you “somehow” caught her in the act

>???: “You… you saw that?! But I was so well hidden, and discreet too!”

You sounded like a… well, a pony in heat and doing her duty for her country, that was for sure.

>she clenches her teeth, looking away

>???: “I knew I had an audience, but I was certain to be especially quiet… apparently humans can hear lower pitched noise better than ponies.”

>well that’s a new fun fact for you

>apparently you’d hear a volcano explode before they would here

>the mysterious masturbating mare gives a cough in an insufficient attempt to brush the topic aside

>???: “I am agent Octavia, and I would have thought you’d recognize me for saving your life from that assassin the other day rather than a… sexual mishaps.”

Well, that was you? My thanks then, you definitely saved my and Pinkie’s life.

>Twi: “You didn’t tell me about that!”

You kept interrupting me, motherfucker!

>Twi: “I’m sorry, asshole!”

>the fact she said her apology in a genuine voice, coupled with that insult, made you smile and begin to laugh

>but there’s pieces of the puzzle fitting together in the form of an accusation

>you heard her play that violin everywhere

>you didn’t notice, but she could have easily been one of those players in the hotel

>she’s been following you ever since you went into Canterlot

>and she knew the two of you were on the train

>she could have easily heard Pinkie’s suggestion…

>in fact, she didn’t even do anything until after that

Octavia…

>Octavia: “Yes, what is it?”

You’re a voyeur, aren’t you?

>nailed it perfectly, the way she’s acting taken back and offended is obvious

>Twilight is watching the gasps and huffs Octavia’s making as well

>she’s starting to pick up on it too

>Octavia: “How rude of an accusation! I would never spy on you.”

>she goes off on a tangent, distracted as she continues to incriminate herself

>Octavia: “I suppose you think I followed your date around, watched you get drunk, and then peeped through a window for two days as you and Pinkie fucked wildly!”

>no pleading the 5th this time around

You’re… not exactly… the brightest, are you?

>it appears Twilight wanted to say that, but you beat her to the punch

>Octavia is confused for a moment, before she realizes the entirety of what she said

>Octavia: “Oh, no! I meant that hypothetically, I assure! Yes, ehehehe!”

>you best watch where you have fun with Pinkie, you have a watcher now

I’m putting that to the side, because there are bigger things to address. Octavia, what are your orders?

>Octavia: “Orders, orders, hm… I’m very sophisticated, you know. I may not be as intelligent as Ms. “Faithful Student” over there,”

>she prods her head at Twilight

>Octavia: “But I make up for it in several different… areas.”

>she makes some sort of motion, unknown to what it means to you

>was that supposed to be seductive?

>it doesn’t please Twilight a bit, nonetheless

>Twi: “Anon…”

Your orders, please…

>Octavia: “Oh, right, um… ‘under the royal decree of her majesty Princess Celestia, I am to assist the investigators Twilight Sparkle and Anon’. I’m to make sure everything with you two goes as smoothly as possible for the inquiries of the murders around here.”

>you’re kind of glad you didn’t stumble into a hobo now; this fucker would have caught you and Pinkie right in the middle of your crime spree

Alright, so let’s go in and see what we find, shall we?

>Twi: “It’s already been investigated, but… we didn’t touch anything until you could help us clarify what they were before we sealed them away.”

That bad, eh?

>you walk towards the house, and you finally notice two guards blocking your way

>you flash the badge of justice at them, and they immediately let you through

-----

My goddesses… this is…

>Twi: “Yes, like I said… untouched until you inspected.”

>this isn’t even a house anymore

>it looks like someone turned it into a black altar of sorts

>bones and rotting carcasses of animals lay about, the stench almost overbearing

>Octavia: “This is horrifying, no song could play how disgusting this looks…”

>she tries it anyways, but opts for more sadness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4LyoUGxVd8

>how she knows that song, only she will know

>but it was well-played, despite the atrocious scene

>you make notes, silent observations

>there’s blood everywhere, but no weapons

>there are pictures on the floor, bloodstained

>kneeling down and looking at them, you see that one was of Bon-Bon

>like all the others, it has a slice made through it

>including you

… Victims she plotted for. Have you found any of these other ponies?

>Twi: “Yes. Most of their, err… remains,”

>she makes a gagging noise

>Twi: “Were… in… her shed, Anon I can’t stay in here much longer, I’m going to get sick. Urp!”

>you nod as the three of you exit the grieving display

>you will have to search more later, but for now the shed awaits

-----

>you’d like to humor that seriousness of this next area by pointing out a fun fact;

>while only two guards were put in front of the house, twelve were surrounding the perimeter of the late Fluttershy’s storage shed

Well, why do I have a hunch that there’s something important in here? Does it smell just as bad?

>Twi: “Not really… she keeps bleach in there, and she used it on all of her victim’s bodies, it seems.”

>Octavia: “Bleach and death, that’s going to smell wonderful.”

>you honestly can’t tell if she’s being serious or not as one of the guards stops you

>Guard: “Halt. Name and authority.”

“Err, Anon. Investigator under the authority of the crown.”

>you show off your badge, and he inspects it closely

>Guard: “And you two are his assistants?”

>Twi: “What?! No! We’re on the same level, Twilight Sparkle and Octavia Tune, both investigators under her majesty Princess Celestia’s honor.”

>she grumbles angrily for being underestimated as she and Octavia show their own mark of identification

>Guard: “Sorry, just making sure that you’re, well… you. There have been some strange things going about.”

Mind elaborating on that?

>the guard clears his throat, willing to obey

>Guard: “Changelings, sir. One or two have tried to come into both Ponyville and Canterlot, ever since Queen Chrysalis attacked and brutally killed Prince Blueblood. We’re unsure of their motives.”

Rest his soul. Have you encountered any here?

>Guard: “Yes, one in particular came in the form of, well… her.”

>he points over to Twilight, who’s still gritting her teeth

>Guard: “You can tell if they’re changelings by the eyes, and the other guards pointed it out. The thing transformed and took off sometime yesterday.”

>now everyone is suspiciously looking at each other

>sounds like an easy way to destroy the unity in the group

>kneeling down, Twilight immediately realizes your proximity to her as you place both your hands on each side of her face

>you study her closely, looking for any signs as you bore into her eyes

>she immediately begins getting nervous, blushing madly into a flurry of colors

Twilight, what’s my favorite read?

>Twi: “Eh… ‘A Hundred Herbs, and How to Use Them’.”

>you loosen your grip on her give a relieved sigh

>you point halfheartedly at Octavia

I seriously hope you’re genuine, considering your, uh… personality and stalking issue.

>she huffs

Is there any way to prove I’m not a dubious dark clone of myself?

>Octavia: “That’s easy; I’ve been watching every move you make to public… for miscellaneous reasons of course!”

>this bitch is fucking coming on to you

>Guard: “Alright, well, you were scheduled to come here together anyways, go ahead and take a look at those… things.”

>he grants entryway with a flick of his hooves, and the three of you make way into the shed

>you make certain to close the door after seeing … this

But… how…?

>Twi: “I don’t know, Anon. Are they from your world?”

The details seem off, but… yes, those are…

>dozens of them, alongside many tools of different uses

>you gruffly ignore the bags of bodies in the corner

Those are weapons, although firearms are the more proper term.

>Twi: “When we first saw them, we were afraid to touch them; they could be dangerous.”

Twilight, you have no idea.

>you walk forward to see that there are a cache of guns, pistols of different models

>not water squirters, not knives or other crude weapons, but real legitimate guns

>a thousand explosions of questions enter your mind at this;

>how did she get these, why?

>what did she have plans with them for?

I don’t know how she got these, considering its foreign technology, but I understand why she chose the chainsaw now.

>Octavia: “Reason being?”

There’s no way for someone, save a unicorn, that could pull the trigger.

>you carefully pick up one of the guns, making Twilight and Octavia jump

>Twi: “Is it safe to use one of those?”

Twilight, this is a gun, a Springfield 1911 Operator to be precise.

>Twi: “What… does it do?”

>you drop the clip to check for rounds

>it’s packed full

I’ll show you what is does, come outside.

-----

>the three of you come out, and the guards see the gun in your hands

>Guard: “Uh, Anon, I don’t think you can leave with that.”

Don’t worry, I’m just doing a demonstration for my fellow investigators, please stand back.

>safety is off

Guards, Twilight, Octavia; a gun is one of the most efficient and cruelest way…

>you spot an apple tree, thirty yards

>you might be rusty in aim, you’ll soon find out

To kill a pony instantly.

>you lift the gun, holding it firm in your hands and elbows slightly bent

>you pose in the proper position for recoil, although this shouldn’t give too much of a kick

>Twi: “Kill… instantly?”

>you glare down the iron sights and fire a single shot, the boom making everyone jump

>the bullet pierces through the apple, destroying it upon contact before sinking into the wood behind it

>they all see the power this baby holds

These things or an abhorrence to life here as we know it; we must get rid of them.

-----

>a good while later you, and you really mean only yourself, begin to pack the weapons into crates

>they refuse to touch them, they’re simply too scared

>even though Twilight might be able to use one with magic, the noise and shot was enough to make her not go near you but watch from afar

>Octavia’s outside with the guards, occasionally peeping as you clear the weapons of their clips and bullets

>Twi: “So what are you doing now, and what should we do with them?”

As you saw, these things are lethal and dangerous to have, even if you know how to use them properly. They’re meant to attack, and defend oneself. However, a gun is nothing more than a club when without these bullets, so I’m cleaning each one out of them. As for what to do with them… I need someone to cast some sort of spell to figure out where the hell they came from.

>Twilight is pacing back and forth, trying to fit pieces together

>Twi: “Fluttershy really doesn’t seem the type to have this stuff, let alone be able to somehow get it from another world!”

You’re right; it’d require someone else, someone with magic, and powerful enough to be able to transcend dimensions. This is something beyond my realm of thought, Twilight, do you have any ideas?

>you keep her focusing on the floor, concentrating as she tries to figure out logical reasoning

>you have your back to the door, and whenever she passes behind you, you slip a couple clips and eventually a suppressor into a pocket of your overcoat

>the motion is inaudible, and to anyone watching it looks as if you’re working as usual

>Twi: “I think only Alicorns could do something like that alone, maybe an old dragon or Draconequus…”

A Draconequus? You mean, like…?

>Twi: “Discord was one, but they’re so old and twisted that they hardly exist anymore. I wouldn’t doubt if Discord was the last of his kind.”

>the last of his kind to stay here, anyways

>you leave the fully loaded gun in front of you as you begin clearing out the next, Twilight oblivious to your actions

I just realized something; I committed an amateur mistake.

>Twi: “What, what?”

>she looks at the table, expecting blood to pour out of you after accidently popping a hole in yourself

I should be wearing gloves, in case the Princess suspects me. I wouldn’t argue with her if she did, but by putting my fingerprints on it now it’s going to make it harder to prove they’re all mine.

>Twi: “But they’re not yours, right? Both the Princess and I trust that these were never yours, despite them being… human stuff.”

It doesn’t help that they’re human tools, Twilight… Luna is likely going to put this on me, somehow.

>Octavia: “Are you guys done yet? That stuff gives me the shivers.”

>you raise the gun into the air with your left hand

You want me to rush?

>Guard: “Ignore her! Such things should take… time.”

>bloody cowards, all of them, but they should be afraid

>just as Twilight goes behind you, you lower the gun, lifting the second gun on the table with the other hand

>you slip the first one into a pocket, and tap the other on the table to finish the illusion

>stealthy mother fucker

-----

>everything is now packed, including the grisly power tools

>standing outside the shed, you suddenly appreciate the scent of fresh air

Alright, Twilight; don’t worry about them going off, they’re cleaned out. I don’t know what you should do with them or where you should put them, but I strongly recommend we notify Princess Celestia.

>she nods and gives a gesture over to a couple guards

>they appear to not want to touch the box and grunts

>Twi: “Fine.”

>she uses her magic to lift the two wooden boxes up, and Octavia tags along with the two of you

>Guard: “Uh… sir. Your… orders?”

>he definitely didn’t like saying that word to you

Relax, and continue your posts until Twilight gets a proper sample of DNA-

>Guard: “These ponies need a proper funeral, a burial! Sir.”

>the three of you stop

Do you think you can figure out anything of the corpses?

>Twi: “Honestly, no. I think it’s time they get put to rest.”

Alright, then. Feel free to notify the families that the clearance on the shed has been lifted and begin the funeral services. I don’t know how that works, so I leave it to you, sir.

>Guard: “I… I don’t know either, but we’ll do our best.”

You did your job excellently. I’ll be over to the house sometime tomorrow, please do keep at least two stationed here and there.

>he gives a salute

>dang that feels good to give orders

>end