Magic Mayhem Chapter 7: Bibliophobia

> Did you know that the dimension, where you can make astral compartments to store stuff, runs on a different flow of time? Where the true reality you all reside in may be too niggardly to let time go any faster, this realm is far too lenient in letting the river of time itself flow as freely as ever.

> While this may not be disconcerting in theory, it can become a sticky situation nonetheless; for example, what has been a mere few days for you has actually been about seven weeks for the potato couch; with plenty of oxygen left over from the original teleportation spell, mold has done a nasty deed with the oversized potato, letting fungi have its dirty way with the poor food source.

> Reaching the point where no amount of magic could save with some sort of reversal, it would be a daring act of bravery to even let that entity return back to Equestia.

> On a better note, you’ve decided that it would indeed be a very poor decision to return the Moldy Potato Couch of Death anywhere near this world, and instead believe it to be a figment of your imagination as you let it fester into some dark god or something.

> Welcome to Week 2 of teaching Twilight and Trixie.

-----

> Normally you would be talking about the splendid joys of waking up, eating a breakfast that contains everything delicious (which obviously does not include a pony’s salad), and most certainly a lecture on the next element.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZt1lBWr_zM&feature=relmfu

> Wrong.

> You decided, just for shits and giggles, that the next element in line, Earth, is best learned… in a more practical sense.

> By that, you mean that you’re in a barren canyon far, far away from any sort of civilization, and launching pillars of rocks from the cavernous walls at your students, who has been tasked to “promptly” learn their own form of Earth Element spells to defend themselves.

> Basically, you’re preaching tough love and trying to squish them, and it’s half-working.

> Twilight is supposedly doing well with this branch of the elements, injecting her own level of spells that are forcing the rigid rock to collide with an otherwise lethal strike.

> Playing a bit more merciful with Trixie, who isn’t fairing nearly as well, you’re simply launching pebbles at her in a simple attempt for her to at least create a barrier of sorts.

> Twi: “Anon! This canyon… the rocks… too hard to keep pulling!”

> She’s sprinting up her pillar as it continues up towards you, where you’ve made a wide arc to connect the two sides of the ravine’s walls; using it as the base to launch the sub pillars for Twilight to counter, you’ve been dancing and running about to strike at her in different angles.

Pfft, but the harder you work, the easier it gets! This is training, and I’m making it fun!

> Tossing a few more rocks down below for Trixie to either deflect or dodge, you barely have time to leap out of the way as Twilight and her column rams into your curve of rock, shaking the entire area with the collision.

> Trixie: “Ugh, this stuff is filly’s play! I can stop rocks and lift them, give me a REAL challenge!”

> You launch into the air, spinning majestically as Twilight realizes your plan and moves out of the way; vertically upside down, you pull back your arm to unleash a palm thrust, magic gathering in your hand as you close the distance-

> Level 7 Elemental Spell, Earth Element: Colossal Rock Shatter Style.

> Your entire arm erupts into a purple flame of fury as you swing into Twilight’s pillar, the power of the incantation surging through halfway of the mass.

> Cracks ravel through the column before the spell unleashes its might, exploding it into hundreds of rocks and boulders, a writhing mass of fire burning out into nothing as an avalanche is unleashed onto Trixie.

> Trixie: “Trixie says that’s OVERKILL!!!”

> She runs for her sorry life as she weaves through the crashing debris, using minor earth spells to cover her overhead as she takes off.

Not bad. I’d like to mention that a rock destroying spell like that must be very precise if you plan to strike it versus touching it, Twilight. A poorly timed horn pierce without enough magic can break both your horn and skull. It’s not nearly as dangerous as a human using their hand, but-

> Twi: “Level 5 Elemental Spell, Earth Element: Rock Destruction Style, right?”

That sounds about- FUCK!

> Having to jump once more, you turn midair to find Twilight in her human form, having obliterated what was left of your beloved rock arc with her crafty quick learning of the spell.

> Teleporting to a safer spot on the edge of the wall before gravity turns you into a pancake, you look up to realize that you’re under similar circumstances with Trixie;

> That is to say, there’s a shit ton of rocks heading down your way.

> Trixie: “Aiyeee….eeeeeeeeee….”

> Ready to fend off the massacre of stone ready to crush you, you couldn’t help but be distracted by that most atrocious squeal amongst the deafening roar of falling rubble…

What the hell is that…?

> Trixie: “Eeeee…eeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEAAHHHHHH!”

> You don’t know how or why, but an obscene trail of dust and debris is flaring into a path of glory up the side of the gorge, carving into the barrage before hurling itself into the incoming rocks.

> Trixie(?): “HOAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

> What the hell is she even doing? In all respects, with the way she’s crumbling the rocks like they’re nothing, it does indeed appear that she’s randomly mastered the spell, but the way she’s doing it is totally unorthodox!

> You mean, come on; it looks like she’s using a fucking Garouga attack with her horn!

> Is this like a hidden tap of power that she’s unleashing in a desperate pitch to survive the aching crush of tons of rocks? Is this even her final form?!

> You hop across the falling pieces as you grant yourself a small ledge out of harm’s way while Trixie works her “magic” and tears through the rocks like it’s a Sunday buffet; it’s as if they were marked for a rocky evisceration by the goddesses themselves, unworthy of being casted stones but rather lowly dust to gather in the passing wind.

> And apparently Trixie is the harbinger of destruction now? You don’t even understand, what is this even?

-----

> Fifteen solid (with is ironic, considering the walls of the canyon below are anything but) minutes later, you’re standing triumphantly at the “teaching session” you’ve bestowed on your exhausted students, the two of them heaving from tuckering themselves out. The edge to the gorge below only a few yards away, you’re back up above with class in session.

> Twilight, still in human form, is hilariously sprawled out eagle style, her tongue hanging out in some attempt to gather energy.

> Twi: “So… tired… wheeze…”

> Trixie: “I… did it…!”

Alright, let me summarize breaking down rocks via magic; it’s hard to do physically, but when supplemented with Earth Elemental spells, it can be a breeze. Both of you have impressed me with being able to do it so early in the day. And Trixie… I don’t even know what kind of style that spell was, but if it suits you, you keep doing what ya gotta do.

> Trixie: “I’d like to point out the obvious part where it was none other than Trixie style! By yours truly, of course.”

> She stole it from a book or something, you’re so fucking sure of it; putting copyright infringements aside, you pace onto the next topic of training.

Now, these past couple days you’ve learned to move the ground, and even rock; you even demonstrate the ability to create fissures; to be honest, there isn’t much more to learning Earth spells. Unless, well…

> You trail off, unsure as to whether it’s worth trying to teach them something so tedious, as they lay about in the tundra, sweat furling their brows and body.

> Twi: “What… what is it?”

Well, it’s actually something that can be done better with wind, but it’s always for bragging rights when it comes to being able to control something such as sand using purely magic of the earth.

> Trixie: “And in what way would I obtain bragging rights by moving a bunch of sand?”

Dearie, whenever you cast a spell, you focus it solely on a single entity, no matter how simple or complex it is; it can be a clump of dirt, or a part of rock. However, if you try using magic on sand, it will only affect a unit of it, if you will.

> Twi: “You mean to say that you can’t lift a bunch of sand up with a single magic spell?”

Oh, I’m sure you can! Make an invisible bowl, enchanted winds, all that can do it; but when it comes to essential Earth Elements, it’s nearly impossible to use it to control sand as you see fit. To regulate sand… would be the sign of mastering the element of Earth.

> Trixie: “And how does one do it, if you can only cast a single grain at a time?”

Good question, let me try showing you.

-----

> Ladies and gentlemen who read this, do not try this at home; not to say that you can, but you digress nonetheless.

> Being in steady supply of sand everywhere, you scoop a handful or two of it and place it in a pile, the three of you sitting on an oversized and misplaced rock as you set the stage in question.

> The sun beating down mercilessly in a dry heat, and with no wind to acknowledge any sort of sympathy, the temperature is demanding you relocate yourselves soon.

> Twi: “Anon… it’s hot… I’m sweating like crazy.”

> You glance from your cross-legged position, and damn she’s right; having been in a white tshirt, she’s sweating right through, revealing some very nice- oh hey, looks like she caught on, blocking them from view.

> Twi: “Anon, you perverted idiot! That was your plan, wasn’t it?!”

> You’re caught like a fly in a spider’s web, debating as to whether ripping off a wing to escape is worth it.

I-I don’t know what you can be referring to! Let me show this before we had back for lunch; daresay think you two deserved it for now.

> She seems miffed at you, and Trixie all the meanwhile is rolling her eyes; having discarded her hat and cape for better measure, her hair is stiffening out in this intense heat.

> Trixie: “Can you hurry up with this petty trick?”

Did you know that in this handful of powder, there is approximately seven million, eight hundred thousand grains of sand? With the weight of each one nearly nonexistent, one barely needs to think of the spell for it to work effortlessly. However, for each grain of sand…

> You wave your hands in a circular motion, shooting hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of miniscule Level 1 Elemental Spells, Earth Element; grasping each individual particle, you force the focus of every single casted spell to collect into one gathering.

> Within a minute you manage to form it into a tightly packed ball, the millions of pieces trying to reach the center point of concentration; as if you’ve sketched an interactive graph of it inside your head, you have a massive flowing chart of each and every single minor spell listed as you barely hold the shape together.

> The two students watch in complete awe as it hovers above the palm of your glowing hands.

> Twi: “If that sphere of sand has almost 8,000,000 pieces of sand in it, and you have to cast a spell for each one…”

Yes. I’ve conditioned my mind to be able to shoot out millions of these tiny little casts at once, collecting them into a design of sorts whilst using my head as the program. That is why this is considered the ultimate test for Earth Element spells.

> A small gust of wind kindly passes, shaving off a small bit of your floating sphere; silently cursing, you enter a few dozen macros of shifting the sand until it forms into a quadrilateral pyramid.

> Trixie: “Wow, that’s… a lot. Trixie… gah, I’m impressed!”

Still having trouble not speaking in third person, eh?

> You shut down the entire mass of spells, dropping the sand as it plops onto the side of your shoes, leaving Trixie and Twilight to stare at it in curiosity.

> Waiting for them to shift from their somewhat dedicated stare at the plump of sand, you decide to humor them with a very flamboyant shout.

BOO!

> There goes Twilight, rolling off the rock in shock as she takes to the sand below; Trixie took no chances and instantly teleported about ten yards away, trying to figure what the hell happened.

AHAHAHAHAHA! The looks on your faces! You guys act so serious when I teach, it’s wonderful!

> Twi: “Anon! You’re not supposed to be scaring us when we’re trying to learn, you idiot!”

> Trixie: “Hmph! Trixie was not frightened nor afraid!”

Watch out for that scorpion there, Trixie, they’re venomous.

> She just as promptly teleports back onto the rock; having no idea as to what a scorpion is nor how dangerous they are, she took heed to your falsely serious voice and was, once again, ridiculed by your waves of howling laughter.

> Trixie: “That’s not funny! UGH! Let us be done here at once, I say!”

> Twi: “You have a poor sense of humor, Anon; you know that, right?”

> Wiping a tear and turning to face Twilight, whose arms are hanging over the top edge of the rock you’re sitting upon, you give your goofy grin.

I’m sorry, I just love you two, you’re always there to put a smile on my face.

> Trixie scoffs this off as an unimportant flirt, while Twilight registers this as an inviting compliment of sorts; neither of them unable to figure a response, you leave Twilight stumbling for words as you place a hand on her head, and reaching for Trixie’s hoof.

Come on, I think somewhere cooler is in order. You two are cooking.

-----

> Twi: “Why am I cooking again?”

> Trixie: “And why am I helping?”

Twilight agreed to cook for me, and you’re using your body as payment for my teaching, ergo you’re her assistant.

> While this should have been obvious for them already, they still have to act like young mares and do all this wishy-washy pouting business as if they’re going to escape the anti-feminist set-up you have them going through.

> Back in the kitchen, Twilight, having reverted into her usual pony form, gives an exaggerated sigh before starting the dispute you know is going to begin.

> Twi: “Can’t you help?”

I don’t know how to cook.

> Twi: “You cooked an awesome breakfast for us a few days ago.”

That was Spike’s doing.

> Now that’s a bold faced lie, and even if it is an attempt to weasel out of cooking duty, you know you’re going to suffer for that one.

> Twilight’s glaring you down for weak points, trying to size you up to your statement to decide whether or not it’s safe to call your bluff; after a few moments and sweat drops, she comes to a conclusive grin as she marches forward.

> Twi: “You’re lying.”

> Trixie loves these moments, watching a cat caught in a corner with one fucking menacing mouse advancing on it; the freaking out feline being you, of course, and with the magical mouse not Mickey, but the demon Twilight herself.

I, uh, should say that Spike should be the one to take credit, seeing how he did cook for that. I’m sorry for taking recognition.

> Going all in, eh? You’re perhaps one of the bravest creatures this world has seen, lying so daringly to perhaps the most dangerous unicorn residing in Ponyville.

> Halting in her march, reeking of destruction and book-to-head related smashing urges, Twilight stares unmistakably through your soul, your barren willpower evident and weakened with every second passing of her all-powerful gaze.

> What the hell is with this ability, it’s not even magic; it’s as if her personal aura can transform into mother fucking daggers, prodding you viciously with her fixation of discovering the truth through any means necessary.

> Thankfully, you have an ace card left- Spike isn’t here, having supposedly gone out.

> In some luck of the higher forces, you’ve procrastinated your now omitted doom from your most manic student until his return; having mere minutes or hours at your disposal, you better come up with a plan before she tears you a new orifice.

> Twi: “Alright, let’s ask Spike then, shall we?”

> Trixie: “I’d like to state that this is going to be good.”

Hehe, it’s a shame he isn’t-

> Twi: “Oh Spiiiiiiike~!”

> Spike: “*Muffled* Huh, what? Be right there!”

> THAT FUCKER WAS JERKING OFF IN HIS ROOM!

> FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

> Your mind is suddenly a submarine, a cramp crevice with water springing in.

> You: “We’ve been hit, emergency! Damage report, pronto!”

> ALERT, ALERT, MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!

> Your kidneys, impersonating some hot broad that definitely should not be working in a submarine, swings around in her seat to deliver the frightening news.

> “We’ve got hit directly in the side, urination analysis dictates that you suddenly need to piss yourself!”

> Your heart, apparently a fair representation of Lance Armstrong, is in the middle of the control room; lights and sirens blaring about as bolts fire from the wall, your heart is on one of those top-notch exercise bikes.

> “I’m racing as fast as I can; I don’t know what the fuck to do!”

> You: “You’re mother fucking Lance Armstrong, grow a testicle and get us out of here!”

> Lungs: “ABANDON SHIP, ABANDON SHIP!”

> You: “We’re underwater, you dumb fuck!”

> Excalibur: “EXCALIBUR~ EXCALIBUR~ FROM UNITED KING, I’M ROOKING FOR HER- I’M GOING TO CALIFORNIA~!”

> You: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

> By the time Spike opens the door, you’re suffering some sort of comical meltdown at your suddenly failed plan; within seconds Spike will spill the beans or poorly lie about it, resulting in a foul chop in the head with one of her two million encyclopedias.

> You’re young, man, you don’t wanna die young! Not over this! You’re not even that hungry, you’ll do the fucking dishes!

> Your eyes are bulging as Spike finally gets into the kitchen, where Trixie is indubitably wishing for popcorn for a moment of such entertainment for her.

> She was supposed to have your back, she’s the Bro-Trixinator, the Bro-Trixinus!

> Brotrixilius IV!

> But no, you realized with her silence, your fate was sealed the moment a confused Spike was within speaking distance, and Twilight went to open her mouth.

> Twi: “Hey Spike, h-“

> KAVOOOOSHEEMAMAMAMAMAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

> [Yes, you just made that sound effect up, good luck trying to vocalize it.]

> It wasn’t even a quarter of the second that you snapped your finger in a righteous and frantic motion, sucking yourself out of that home with an emergency teleportation spell; vacuumed into another dimension of space and time itself, you’ll be sent flying somewhere else through the sky about a mile away.

> Twi: “Of course he runs, it wasn’t that big of a deal. *Sigh* Spike, you’re doing dishes.”

> Spike: “D’awww, man!”

-----

> You didn’t have time to focus where you were going, alright?

> The incantation was humbly what you may refer to as Low Mystical Spell, Teleportation: Get Me The Fuck Outta Here Style; yes, there’s a more educational term, but you’ll be damned to find it.

> In simplest terms, it teleports you like any other spell, but instead of calculating precisely the location of where you’ll materialize, it instead finds a surface above sea level that’s quite the distance from the starting spot, raises the destination by about five feet so you don’t splinch yourself (trust me, you already know what it means to splinch yourself), and drops your happy ass there.

> You never know where it’s going to take you, and quite frankly the thrill of a mysterious drop zone isn’t that desirable when the results can be both beneficial and harmful.

> You mean, what’s the point for a prompt escape from a dragon when it drops you over a pool of lava? If you ever see a dragon, you’re either gonna have something prepared, or run your fucking ass off.

> Oh wait, right! You’re totally digressing from what happened.

> It was over and into a tree.

> Now, you may think that a tree from Equestria would be more or less a giant pile of feathery leaves, ready to cushion and catch an unfortunate victim;

> WRONG, this fucker is an apple tree, and it is here to make sure you feel each and every Din damn branch and twig until you manage to grab onto something.

Nayru, OOF- GOD UGH! OUGH HOOG, GUH! HA!

> It felt like ninjas were slapping you silly with heavy bamboo sticks until you grappled yourself to safety; you’ve yet to figure what would have been more dangerous, this demonic apple tree of poor intentions, or a raging Twilight.

> Calling it a lucrative move even so, you shift yourself to a sitting pose as you realize the objects next to you amongst the leaves.

> Oh, hey! Apple tree. Apples. Yum.

> You pluck one from its resting space, a scrumptious hue of red inviting your lips; ok, so you might be a bit hungry, what harm is there admitting it now?

> Ignoring your slightly bruised state, you go to town on the apple buffet.

-----

> You enjoy about a week’s worth of Vitamin C after spending the next few minutes devouring the nearest apples you when you’re suddenly playing witness to an earthquake.

H-o-o-o-o-o-l-y s-h-i-i-i-i-i-i-t!

> Your voice is shaking as apples forcibly excavate themselves from the tree, landing down below.

> As soon as the quake started, it ended, leaving you latched to the trunk of the tree in some sort of frantic confusion.

>  ???: “Who’s der? I reckon you best come out of mah tree before I put the hurtin’ on you!”

> Was that a southern drawl? You thought the earthquake surprised the piss out of you, but holy water spells!

I, uh… am a sexy pony, too mighty to leave this tree! If some…p0ny were to see me, they’d turn into stone!

> The unseen voice chuckles for a moment, humoring your lavished tale of woe and sorrow.

> ???: “Hehe, and what say you as to why you’re takin’ a residency on mah property, hm?”

> Ugh, the way she talks!

> It’s so… so godly wonderful!

> Excalibur: “WOOOO HEE, boy! She’s got me more going than a greased weasel in a tube sock!”

> Your penis has turned southern on you, too?! Back to the conflict at hand, you salvage a last attempt at regaining some sort of civility between you and this unknown creature.

Uh, squatter’s rights?

> It’s only for a split second of silence that you thought think victory is yours.

> ???: “ Wrong answer, sugarcube.”

> Fuck.

> EARTHQUAAAAAAKE!

> Your flimsy grip on the tree is liberated by sheer force, launching yourself through leaves and twigs before crashing into the soft dirt.

> Rolling with the fall, you assume minimal damage but curse your already bruised state.

> And there she was, the most gorgeous, hottest, sweetest looking mare you’ve the honor to meet in this world. Her sleek mane guises as silken strands of straw, rough to the look but soft to the elegant and desired touch; her slim tan fur, with a tinge of orange to add flair; her angry eyes plastered evidently across her face with her hat slung the side.

> Her elegant motion of turning around and slugging you in the chest with her back hooves, launching you horizontally into the air.

AIIIIIYWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….

> Ten feet…

> Twenty feet…

> Thirty feet, sweet Nayru she packs a kick-OOF!

> Thirty four feet, where a tree was kind enough to stop your most elaborate escape ever.

> You begin flashing little healing spells to stitch you up as you gather to your feet, when the mare in question is back on the scene and ready for more action.

> You swing into a pose as you work the best spell of choice: Low Mystical Spell, Astral Projection: Head Style.

> Welp, this is dejavu, except this time you’re overlooking the kitchen.

HELP.

> The usual arrangements of shock and terror occur, with a brazened Twilight facing you.

> Twi: “Anon, you-“

HELP. APPLE TREES, ORANGE PONY KILLER, I N- OOOUGH!

> And that’s how that transmission went before the orange mare socked ya again.

Stop attacking me, you sexy rogue!

> ???: “You best return to dah Everfree Forest, you rotten monster!”

I beg your pardon? How dare you attack me and call ME the fiend!

> This one is persistent, but you know you don’t want to hurt her; you can’t bind her either, even if your life is in danger.

> You’re a foreign species to them, and on their turf, after all.

> Taking into a mad dash, you shoot flares with one hand into the air, and unleash a torrent of water from the other; the flares are for Twilight on the off chance hope that she’ll know where to look and find you.

> The water is for hosing this bewildered pony flooring it after you.

> Why, oh why! Why is it when you find a hot mare, they chase you for reasons other than love?

> Tossing the hopeless romanticisms aside, you turn around and spray her down, soaking her from hat to tail.

> ???: “Buluh, bwuh! What in tarnations are you, and what are ya doing?!”

Previous Professor Anon from Canterlot’s School for the Magically Gifted, currently hired by Princess Celestia to teach her student some magic!

> You pray that saying it in such a dramatic way has some sort of effect on her, in which it gratefully does.

> ???: “Yer… working for Princess Celestia?!”

And here you are, trying to kill me!

> ???: “B-but, you were trespassing, and eating my apples!”

I got lost, and I was hungry!

> ???: “You lied and said I would turn to stone!”

> Did she just blatantly ignore the first part of your liefest? You shrug on that one.

> Still drenched with water, she approaches you a tad less warily as she gains some sort of courage to speak on more courteous terms.

> ???: “… Name’s Applejack, hard worker here of my family’s Sweet Apple Acres.”

Professor Anon, awesome teacher for Twilight Sparkle and Trixie.

> AJ: “Aww, fiddlesticks! You’re the one teaching Twilight magic? I should’ve known, but ohh hay!”

What’s wrong?

> AJ: “If she hears that I attacked her teacher, she’s gonna give me… *gulp* a lecture…!”

> You feel her pain on that one; your education with her has doubled her repertoire of speeches to glaze the eyes off of whoever is unfortunate enough to hear it.

Here, just help me back to Ponyville, and talk to me, and she won’t have to know a thing.

> AJ: “You gotcha self a deal, pardner... and do ya have some sort of drying spell? I’mma soaked, here.”

I think I can manage something.

> Excellent, you mentally chortle with a hidden grin of suspicious deeds.

> Your chance to learn of this hot creature will soon come to fruition!

> The end.