Title:           By a Whisker: Anon x Kitten (Ded)
Author:          thatkevinguy
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/VCHEKmrg
First Edit:      Saturday 7th of April 2012 12:14:51 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 7th of April 2012 12:14:51 AM CDT

>7 AM wakin' up in the mornin'
>Gotta be fresh gotta go downstairs
>Gotta have your bowl gotta have cereal
>Too bad they don't have cereal in equestria you fucking faggot
>You decide to go for a jog around ponyville instead
>you slip on your worn ass shoes and exit, out your door
>suddenly, you are stopped in your tracks.
>there's a basket on your doorstep
 
>the basket looks fairly normal as far as baskets go, but a blanket lays over the top, hiding what mysteries it could hold
>It'd be hard to say you didn't have a bad feeling about this because, to be honest, you've fallen for alot more obvious rape attempts
>you push it a little bit with your foot
>suddenly whatever is under the blanket is moving
>you nearly flip your shit when it does, tripping over your doorstop and falling onto your back
>god damn you're a pussy
>you're too scared to open it too.
>yup, you're a huge ass pussy.
 
>It's been an hour now, and you have just been sitting there, mulling over whether it's a good idea to open it
>at this point the spaghetti is getting awful close to the edge of your pockets
>you have no more time left
>you quickly grab the blanket and toss it behind you, anticipating something horribly obscene
>It's way worse than that.
 
>It wasn't very big, but you could tell it was pure, unadulterated evil
>just one look into its big, round eyes and you could tell it was coming for you.
>it was a stone cold bastard, that was surely true.
>everything down to the whiskers and the silky and soft black fur screamed "I'm going to help someone rape you"
>but you couldn't let that happen.
>even his mew sounded as if there was some sort of, emotion that could describe how much he wanted to spike your food with sedatives
>this little motherfucker wasn't going to help fluttershy rape you any time soon, though
 
>you pick the basket up with him still inside and go ahead with your previously scheduled jog
>except the fucker wont quit mewing as he swings around inside the basket
>your candy ass has a perfect idea about how to stop this though
>you go ahead and stop, lifting the basket to face level without opening it, and yell as loud as you can
>"NOT TODAY, RAPIST FAGGOT!"
>This was probably not the best idea, though. Because you were now standing in the middle of town
 
>everypony is staring at you.
>oh jeez
>you can almost feel the spaghetti slipping from your pockets
>nope.avi
>you book it as fast as fucking possible out of there with the kitten meowing his ass off
>a wave of relief washes over you as you reach fluttershy's house
>the spaghetti seems to have retreated back into its lair
>thank pony jesus of neigh-zareth
 
>you get up onto the doorstep and ring the doorbell
>...
>...
>why do ponies have doorbells at human height installed in their home
>oh shit, aren't you supposed to ding dong ditch the little asshole?
>too late. the door whips open and a beaming fluttershy is on the other side, staring at you.
>she snaps out of it for a moment
>"w-what are you doing here anon?"
>you lift the basket a bit so as to draw attention to it
>she starts beaming again
>"Y- You wanna go on a pic-, nic?"
>suddenly the spaghetti is back
>"NO! not that! I just came to give you your cat back."
>a mew comes from the basket
>you set the basket down on the ground
>and she lifts the little edge of it with her hoof
>"s-sorry anon, but I don't think this is mine."
>a lack of belief comes to mind when she says that
>"If it isn't yours, then who's is it then?
>she stutters a bit and looks nervous
>"uhh.. I think my casserole is burning anon, sorry. I'll see you sometime soon I guess."
>then, in a reversal of roles of sorts, she slams the door in your face
 
>now what the fuck are you going to do?
>oh yeah, not take shit from a dumbass pony who's going to rape you
>you go ahead and turn around, heading back to the porch
>you toss the fucker back up on the steps in his basket and ditch that shit to finish your jog.
>take that, stupid fucking cunt ass shithead faggot cat.
 
>your jog was fairly uneventful, so you decide to cut it short and head home to take a shower or whatever you normally do when these stories aren't going on
>you're back on the path to your house, almost on your steps
>when suddenly, a giant ass crash can be heard from inside the house
>god fucking damn it all
>you speed walk up to your front door
>you probably look like you have something shoved up your ass
>whatever
>open the door
>get on the floor
>goddamnit the cat fucking broke your mirror
 
>how the hell did he even get back in here?
>you remember now, he's trying to spike your food
>what a dick
>you move over to where he is lying, staring at his own reflection in one of the shards of the mirror
>he keeps trying to bite the glass
>this won't end well
>like you care, this fucker wanted to help rape you anyway.
>you go about your normal business and hope he actually does manage to bite it.
 
>it's been hours now and you can't seem to find a way to keep the kitten out of your god damn house
>it certainly doesn't help that fluttershy is adamant that she has never seen it in her life
>you'd tried a multitude of methods to keep that fucker out, too.
>like locking it out on your porch
>or digging a hole deeper than any faggot cat could get out of
>or putting it on rainbow's doorstep in the same basket it had come in
>but it had kept finding a way back onto your couch
>that fucking faggot cat
>it's pretty late now, and you know you have to go to bed.
>you're not letting this little fucker sleep on your couch before you teach his ass a lesson
>you search a good twenty minutes for a bucket and once you find one, you turn the knob on the sink labeled "C"
>you run your fingers under the water, waiting until it hits a nice, chilly temperature
>you let the bucket sit after that, going into the living room to check where the cat is
>still on the couch
>let's do this
>when you get back into the kitchen you grab the bucket which is nearly full and do a full 180
>you sneak your way into the living room, where the kitten is sitting on the armrest of the couch
>walking with a full bucket of water quietly sure is difficult
>why the fuck are you ovethinking this
>you charge, yelling a battlecry for your fallen bucket brothers
>the kitten sees this, but doesn't move
>wait, what
>suddenly, you're falling to the ground
>you thrust the bucket froward in the air, trying to get that fuck
>the water lands just short of him
>fucking shit