PASTEBIN | #1 paste tool since 2002
PASTEBIN
Pastebin launched a little side project called HostCabi.net, check it out ;-)Don't like ads? PRO users don't see any ads ;-)
Public Pastes

# My Report Today [Song Parody]

By: Smudgey on Mar 26th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 12.32 KB | hits: 57 | expires: Never
download | raw | embed | report abuse | print
Text below is selected. Please press Ctrl+C to copy to your clipboard. (⌘+C on Mac)

1. >Day Homework in Equestria.
2. >You are Musical Anon.
3. >Currently making your way towards Twilight's house.
4. >...At six in the god damn morning...
5. >Why so early you may ask?
6. >Because if you don't leave before sunrise, Fluttershy will come and possibly fuck up your day.
7. >Everyone morning she'd come and do something fucking insane, and half the time you wouldn't be able to walk afterwards...
8. >Shivering at the thought, you pick up your pace.
9. >You didn't have time to put up with her shit today, you had business to attend to.
10. >As compensation for giving you a place to live, Celestia had demanded you write a report and give it directly to her protege Ms.Twilight Sparkle each and every day.
11. >It was basically a diary...that the ruler of the land would read over dinner every night.
12. >You hated doing it, but if it gave you a free place to stay you couldn't really complain now could you.
13. >What truly bothered you most was actually the fact that Ms.Sparkle would never believe any of your complaints about other p0nies in P0nyville.
14. >Especially her "friend" Fluttershy...
15. >Something about being the "Element of Kindness" apparently made her a saint that could do no wrong.
16. >And nobody was gonna lose faith in a local hero word over the allegations made by some talking monkey.
17. >But today was going to be different, you were going to make sure of it.
18. >Clutching a piece of paper in your pocket in a death grip, you stomp over to Ms.Sparkle's library door and pound on it loudly.
19. >You wait a few minutes in complete silence.
20. >Your patience wearing thin, you pound on the door so much you think your fist might punch a whole right through it.
21. >Suddenly, you hear what sounds like someone falling down a flight of stairs.
22. >After a few seconds, the door opens up revealing a very tired and very grumpy Ms.Sparkle.
23. >"Anon? What are you doing here so...*Yawn*...early? The sun hasn't even risen yet...".
24. >Not bothering to answer her question, you push your way past her and close the door behind you.
25. Gotta make this fast, I'm here to give you my friendship report.
26. >She looks at you with a mix of confusion and exhaustion before blinking lazily a couple times.
27. >"...Couldn't this have waited until after breakfast?"
28. >You shake your head and lay down on her psychiatrist couch, she had made it just for you apparently.
29. Don't have time, gotta get this done before Fluttershy shows up.
30. >Finally shaking off her sleepiness, she takes a seat in her chair next to you and groans at you with annoyance.
31. >"Auugh, again with the Fluttershy stories. How many times do we have to go over this Anon?"
32. >You shift your head towards her and look at her with a scowl.
33. I don't know Twilight, how many times will it take before you do something about it?
34. >She looks at you with tired "just woken up" eyes and snorts with lethargy.
35. >"I'm starting to think you're just using her as an excuse so you don't have to write what you REALLY learn each day.
36. >You grind your teeth with frustration.
37. Are you kidding me!?! How the hell do you still not notice all the crazy shit she does EVERY...SINGLE...DAY!
38. >She rolls her eyes at you.
39. >"Maybe you should explain how nop0ny but you ever seems to witness these "blatant displays of affection."?"
40. >That's a rather fluffy way of saying "rape".
41. Simple, you've all got your heads up your asses.
42. >Shaking her head back and forth in annoyance, she looks up at her bedroom and calls out.
43. >"Spike, could you come down here and help write a letter for Anon."
44. >Her request is answered with an awkward silence...
45. >Sighing loudly, she yells upstairs to her slave/assistant.
46. >"SPIKE, QUILL, PARCHMENT, NAOW!"
47. >You hear some odd noises of panic before the tiny dragon appears.
48. >"Sorry-sorry-sorry!"
49. >You watch as he fumbles down the stairs with ink and papers bundled in his arms before taking his place at the desk, quill at the ready.
50. >Nodding with approval, Twilight magicks her reading glasses over to her face and assumes her "psychiatrist" persona.
51. >"Now Anon listen, I don't want to hear any of this Fluttershy nonsense today, lets just keep this professional for once."
52. >Fuming with anger, you yank out the paper you had been carrying with you in your pocket the entire time.
53. No YOU listen! We're going to go through every damn one of these until you understand!
54. >With a quick flick, she watches as the paper turns out to be a long scroll that unfurls its way down to the floor and continues across the room.
55. >...Okay so "scroll" might not be the right word for it, more like a roll of toilet paper actually...but that doesn't make the items on the list any less true damn it!
56. >Ripping off each piece from the roll one by one, you start listing off your daily tortures.
57. Last month! A hydra rampages through town leveling half the buildings. Random act of nature? NOPE! Fluttershy wanted to know if multi-headed monsters was my fetish.
58. >Tearing that piece off, you blow your nose with it and toss it to the ground.
59. Three weeks ago! All the foals mysteriously disappear for a day. Possible prank? Sure, if you consider kidnapping a prank!
60. >As Spike fervently writes down your ramblings, Twilight looks at your disapprovingly, but you ignore her and continue down the list.
61. Two weeks ago! Town hall explodes at eight o'clock in the morning. Political statement? Hardly, more like a certain yellow mare thought explosions would turn me on.
62. >You crumple that sheet and toss it with rest, but before you can keep going, you hear Twilight interrupt you.
63. >"Anon enough, I will NOT listen to all these baseless rumors and accusations against my close friend. If you aren't going to keep your wild imagination's paranoia and delusions in check, I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to write your report to Celestia for you...AGAIN!"
64. >Your eye starts to twitch involuntarily as your fingers accidentally rip through the next item on your list.
65. No...NO DAMN IT! I spent all night writing this damn thing, I DEMAND YOU LISTEN.
66. >As you point towards the increasingly long sheet of paper, you suddenly feel your body fall slack and lifeless momentarily.
67. >When you finish zoning out, you hear Twilight calling out your name.
68. >"Anon...Anon? Equestria to Anon hellooooo?"
69. >Blinking a few times, you look at her and chuckle, a cheeky grin slowly crossing your face as music begins to fill the room.
70. >You watch her knowingly as her body becomes rigid and suddenly is unable to move the way she wants.
71. >Her ears twitch as her eyes open wide in surprise.
72. >Trapped with you in your musical curse, she has no choice but to play along.
73. >Heh...how convenient, looks like you'll be having a little fun with this for once.
74. >Tapping the list for emphasis, you turn to Twilight and grin at her smugly.
75. Now you'll HAVE to listen, so let's start from the top shall we?
77. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iCwmMlJDSE
79. (Out of seemingly nowhere Pinkie appears and starts playing the drums and trumpet in the background at the same time.)
80. (As a calender magically appears in Twilight's hooves, she sighs and adjusts her reading glasses, before she starts listing off dates.)
82. >"Monday?"
83. She traveled to the future when she flung pieces of the world into freaking tartarus!
84. Managed to avoid ending her pathetic life by praying to our lords till she came back the next day...
86. >"Tuesday?"
87. Tried to infect any p0nies she knows with the Ebola virus!
88. They never stood much of a chance, no matter what those idiotic books say.
90. >"Wednesday?"
91. The look on her face was just priceless when she stuck that forty pound watermelon in her colon.
92. Paid to much attention than I know she's worth, then kicked that fatty back down the street.
94. >"Thursday?"
95. She will never find true happiness - what you think she did? Cry about it!
96. I can predict tomorrow I'll wake up, see some creepy stuff, and then go back to sleep...
98. That's my report for todayyyy.
99. >"That's your report for today?"
100. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy.
101. That's my report for today...
102. ...
103. That's my report for todayyyy.
104. >"That's your report for today?"
105. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy.
106. That's my report for today.
108. >"Friday!?"
109. My birthday party was fuckin' ruined once again by her explosive flatulence.
110. My love life's running into trouble when my "fiance" digs herself into my damn pants!
112. >"Saturday!?"
113. Her condition gets stupider each day she finds out that her fetish guess is a dud.
114. Tries to show love through all this damn rape cause she knows that she has become a pest.
116. >"Sunday!?"
117. Now was this that one time she shoved candy up her butt and gave it all to me to taste? HA! No...
118. Ate her bucket of tuna-flavored "pudding", and washed it down with a gallon of her slobbery sick...
120. >"Why though?"
121. All p0nies are extremely friendly and intelligent...except for HER!
122. Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with her head impaled upon a stick!
124. That's JUST my report for today...
125. >"That's JUST your report for today???"
126. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy.
127. That's JUST my report for today...
128. ...
129. That's JUST my report for today!
130. >"That's JUST your report for today???"
131. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy!
132. That's JUST my report for today...
134. >"Anon-you-may-find-it-inconceivable-or-at-the-very-least-a-bit-unlikely-"
135. >"-That-the-apprentice-magician-of-the-planets-and-the-stars-could-have-"
136. >"-a-rather-deep-unwillingness-or-feeling-that-exclusively-applies-just-against-you-"
137. >"-but-let-me-give-you-my-assurance-that-my-forecasts-and-convictions-"
138. >"-are-all-based-on-solid-scientific-documented-evidence-so-I-would-have-"
139. >"-to-be-some-kind-of-moron-not-to-realize-that-every-single-one-of-these-stories-are-just-not-true-"
140. -THEY'RE NOT LIES!
142. LAST WEEK!
143. A big commotion was just around the corner, for someone just as oblivious as you!
144. Kindness was the very worst she's ever been, remember that time you lifted that curse last week???
146. YESTERDAY!
147. Wasn't ready for that unexpected strip, when she came flying through my god damn window.
148. Work a little bit harder on hearing my howlllling screams, you autistic freak.
150. >"Are You Serious!?!"
151. All the mares are laughing behind my back... [spoiler]KiLl ThEm![/spoiler]
152. Took down all those naked pictures their hardest "work" she had hanging in her den.
154. >"Please no more!"
155. The mares think that she is an exciting and delightful p0ny, but I know she's lying.
156. Thanks to her, I've locked my doors and windows and'll never ever ever ever ever leave my house again.
158. That's just what I've wrote for today.
159. >"Anon I can't report child's play..."
160. Hey, hey, hey, hey, heyyy...
161. Send my report without delayyy.
162. ...
163. I just want her to go awayyyy.
164. >"I WON'T report your lies this way."
165. Wait, wait, wait, wait, waaaait...
166. You just gotta see this my way.
168. I just can't cope anymore okay?
169. >"You've lost all hope now I say..."
170. Hey, hey, hey, hey, heyyy...
171. At the end of my rope okay?
172. ...
173. Listen to what I have to sayyyayyayyayyayyay!
174. I'M GONNA REPORT THIS TODAY!
176. >As the last beats of music echo out, you rush across the room.
177. >Grabbing Spike by the throat, you point him towards the pile of scrolls that he had been slowly creating throughout the entire song.
178. >Yanking violently on his tail, you force out a huge plume of green fire past his lips.
179. >In mere seconds the entire mound of paper is reduced to magical ash and sent to its worthy recipient.
180. >Your work done, you drop the tiny dragon on the ground and exit the library, slamming the door for emphasis.
181. >You don't even make it three feet before you're tackled to the ground by a familiar love hungry mare.
182. >"Hello Anon, you weren't at your house this morning so I didn't get the chance to ask..."
183. >She nervously smiles and starts rubbing her thighs together.
184. >"I was just wondering if giant strap-ons were your fetish."
185. >Looking down, you see her sporting a dildo that's easily bigger than your forearm.
186. Twilight please tell me you're seeing this?
187. >You look over to find that the door was still closed, but she could clearly see you from her window... if the purple mare didn't have her face already buried nose deep in another god damn book!
188. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME, DON'T YOU SEE THIS!?! SHE'S RIGHT HERE!!!
189. >Your cries for help fall on deaf ears as she flips through the pages lazily.
190. >Was her damn tree sound proof or something?
191. >Suddenly, a cold shiver runs up your spine as Bananahush leans down and whispers into your ear.
192. >"Don't worry my love, she can join us afterwards~"
193. >As you feel the uncomfortable sensation of plastic start to touch your ass, only one thing comes to mind.
194. >Fucking Twilight Sparkle...
196. Bad End.

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data
>Day Homework in Equestria. >You are Musical Anon. >Currently making your way towards Twilight's house. >...At six in the god damn morning... >Why so early you may ask? >Because if you don't leave before sunrise, Fluttershy will come and possibly fuck up your day. >Everyone morning she'd come and do something fucking insane, and half the time you wouldn't be able to walk afterwards... >Shivering at the thought, you pick up your pace. >You didn't have time to put up with her shit today, you had business to attend to. >As compensation for giving you a place to live, Celestia had demanded you write a report and give it directly to her protege Ms.Twilight Sparkle each and every day. >It was basically a diary...that the ruler of the land would read over dinner every night. >You hated doing it, but if it gave you a free place to stay you couldn't really complain now could you. >What truly bothered you most was actually the fact that Ms.Sparkle would never believe any of your complaints about other p0nies in P0nyville. >Especially her "friend" Fluttershy... >Something about being the "Element of Kindness" apparently made her a saint that could do no wrong. >And nobody was gonna lose faith in a local hero word over the allegations made by some talking monkey. >But today was going to be different, you were going to make sure of it. >Clutching a piece of paper in your pocket in a death grip, you stomp over to Ms.Sparkle's library door and pound on it loudly. >You wait a few minutes in complete silence. >Your patience wearing thin, you pound on the door so much you think your fist might punch a whole right through it. >Suddenly, you hear what sounds like someone falling down a flight of stairs. >After a few seconds, the door opens up revealing a very tired and very grumpy Ms.Sparkle. >"Anon? What are you doing here so...*Yawn*...early? The sun hasn't even risen yet...". >Not bothering to answer her question, you push your way past her and close the door behind you. Gotta make this fast, I'm here to give you my friendship report. >She looks at you with a mix of confusion and exhaustion before blinking lazily a couple times. >"...Couldn't this have waited until after breakfast?" >You shake your head and lay down on her psychiatrist couch, she had made it just for you apparently. Don't have time, gotta get this done before Fluttershy shows up. >Finally shaking off her sleepiness, she takes a seat in her chair next to you and groans at you with annoyance. >"Auugh, again with the Fluttershy stories. How many times do we have to go over this Anon?" >You shift your head towards her and look at her with a scowl. I don't know Twilight, how many times will it take before you do something about it? >She looks at you with tired "just woken up" eyes and snorts with lethargy. >"I'm starting to think you're just using her as an excuse so you don't have to write what you REALLY learn each day. >You grind your teeth with frustration. Are you kidding me!?! How the hell do you still not notice all the crazy shit she does EVERY...SINGLE...DAY! >She rolls her eyes at you. >"Maybe you should explain how nop0ny but you ever seems to witness these "blatant displays of affection."?" >That's a rather fluffy way of saying "rape". Simple, you've all got your heads up your asses. >Shaking her head back and forth in annoyance, she looks up at her bedroom and calls out. >"Spike, could you come down here and help write a letter for Anon." >Her request is answered with an awkward silence... >Sighing loudly, she yells upstairs to her slave/assistant. >"SPIKE, QUILL, PARCHMENT, NAOW!" >You hear some odd noises of panic before the tiny dragon appears. >"Sorry-sorry-sorry!" >You watch as he fumbles down the stairs with ink and papers bundled in his arms before taking his place at the desk, quill at the ready. >Nodding with approval, Twilight magicks her reading glasses over to her face and assumes her "psychiatrist" persona. >"Now Anon listen, I don't want to hear any of this Fluttershy nonsense today, lets just keep this professional for once." >Fuming with anger, you yank out the paper you had been carrying with you in your pocket the entire time. No YOU listen! We're going to go through every damn one of these until you understand! >With a quick flick, she watches as the paper turns out to be a long scroll that unfurls its way down to the floor and continues across the room. >...Okay so "scroll" might not be the right word for it, more like a roll of toilet paper actually...but that doesn't make the items on the list any less true damn it! >Ripping off each piece from the roll one by one, you start listing off your daily tortures. Last month! A hydra rampages through town leveling half the buildings. Random act of nature? NOPE! Fluttershy wanted to know if multi-headed monsters was my fetish. >Tearing that piece off, you blow your nose with it and toss it to the ground. Three weeks ago! All the foals mysteriously disappear for a day. Possible prank? Sure, if you consider kidnapping a prank! >As Spike fervently writes down your ramblings, Twilight looks at your disapprovingly, but you ignore her and continue down the list. Two weeks ago! Town hall explodes at eight o'clock in the morning. Political statement? Hardly, more like a certain yellow mare thought explosions would turn me on. >You crumple that sheet and toss it with rest, but before you can keep going, you hear Twilight interrupt you. >"Anon enough, I will NOT listen to all these baseless rumors and accusations against my close friend. If you aren't going to keep your wild imagination's paranoia and delusions in check, I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to write your report to Celestia for you...AGAIN!" >Your eye starts to twitch involuntarily as your fingers accidentally rip through the next item on your list. No...NO DAMN IT! I spent all night writing this damn thing, I DEMAND YOU LISTEN. >As you point towards the increasingly long sheet of paper, you suddenly feel your body fall slack and lifeless momentarily. >When you finish zoning out, you hear Twilight calling out your name. >"Anon...Anon? Equestria to Anon hellooooo?" >Blinking a few times, you look at her and chuckle, a cheeky grin slowly crossing your face as music begins to fill the room. >You watch her knowingly as her body becomes rigid and suddenly is unable to move the way she wants. >Her ears twitch as her eyes open wide in surprise. >Trapped with you in your musical curse, she has no choice but to play along. >Heh...how convenient, looks like you'll be having a little fun with this for once. >Tapping the list for emphasis, you turn to Twilight and grin at her smugly. Now you'll HAVE to listen, so let's start from the top shall we? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iCwmMlJDSE (Out of seemingly nowhere Pinkie appears and starts playing the drums and trumpet in the background at the same time.) (As a calender magically appears in Twilight's hooves, she sighs and adjusts her reading glasses, before she starts listing off dates.) >"Monday?" She traveled to the future when she flung pieces of the world into freaking tartarus! Managed to avoid ending her pathetic life by praying to our lords till she came back the next day... >"Tuesday?" Tried to infect any p0nies she knows with the Ebola virus! They never stood much of a chance, no matter what those idiotic books say. >"Wednesday?" The look on her face was just priceless when she stuck that forty pound watermelon in her colon. Paid to much attention than I know she's worth, then kicked that fatty back down the street. >"Thursday?" She will never find true happiness - what you think she did? Cry about it! I can predict tomorrow I'll wake up, see some creepy stuff, and then go back to sleep... That's my report for todayyyy. >"That's your report for today?" Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy. That's my report for today... ... That's my report for todayyyy. >"That's your report for today?" Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy. That's my report for today. >"Friday!?" My birthday party was fuckin' ruined once again by her explosive flatulence. My love life's running into trouble when my "fiance" digs herself into my damn pants! >"Saturday!?" Her condition gets stupider each day she finds out that her fetish guess is a dud. Tries to show love through all this damn rape cause she knows that she has become a pest. >"Sunday!?" Now was this that one time she shoved candy up her butt and gave it all to me to taste? HA! No... Ate her bucket of tuna-flavored "pudding", and washed it down with a gallon of her slobbery sick... >"Why though?" All p0nies are extremely friendly and intelligent...except for HER! Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with her head impaled upon a stick! That's JUST my report for today... >"That's JUST your report for today???" Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy. That's JUST my report for today... ... That's JUST my report for today! >"That's JUST your report for today???" Yay, yay, yay, yay, yayyyy! That's JUST my report for today... >"Anon-you-may-find-it-inconceivable-or-at-the-very-least-a-bit-unlikely-" >"-That-the-apprentice-magician-of-the-planets-and-the-stars-could-have-" >"-a-rather-deep-unwillingness-or-feeling-that-exclusively-applies-just-against-you-" >"-but-let-me-give-you-my-assurance-that-my-forecasts-and-convictions-" >"-are-all-based-on-solid-scientific-documented-evidence-so-I-would-have-" >"-to-be-some-kind-of-moron-not-to-realize-that-every-single-one-of-these-stories-are-just-not-true-" -THEY'RE NOT LIES! LAST WEEK! A big commotion was just around the corner, for someone just as oblivious as you! Kindness was the very worst she's ever been, remember that time you lifted that curse last week??? YESTERDAY! Wasn't ready for that unexpected strip, when she came flying through my god damn window. Work a little bit harder on hearing my howlllling screams, you autistic freak. >"Are You Serious!?!" All the mares are laughing behind my back... [spoiler]KiLl ThEm![/spoiler] Took down all those naked pictures their hardest "work" she had hanging in her den. >"Please no more!" The mares think that she is an exciting and delightful p0ny, but I know she's lying. Thanks to her, I've locked my doors and windows and'll never ever ever ever ever leave my house again. That's just what I've wrote for today. >"Anon I can't report child's play..." Hey, hey, hey, hey, heyyy... Send my report without delayyy. ... I just want her to go awayyyy. >"I WON'T report your lies this way." Wait, wait, wait, wait, waaaait... You just gotta see this my way. I just can't cope anymore okay? >"You've lost all hope now I say..." Hey, hey, hey, hey, heyyy... At the end of my rope okay? ... Listen to what I have to sayyyayyayyayyayyay! I'M GONNA REPORT THIS TODAY! >As the last beats of music echo out, you rush across the room. >Grabbing Spike by the throat, you point him towards the pile of scrolls that he had been slowly creating throughout the entire song. >Yanking violently on his tail, you force out a huge plume of green fire past his lips. >In mere seconds the entire mound of paper is reduced to magical ash and sent to its worthy recipient. >Your work done, you drop the tiny dragon on the ground and exit the library, slamming the door for emphasis. >You don't even make it three feet before you're tackled to the ground by a familiar love hungry mare. >"Hello Anon, you weren't at your house this morning so I didn't get the chance to ask..." >She nervously smiles and starts rubbing her thighs together. >"I was just wondering if giant strap-ons were your fetish." >Looking down, you see her sporting a dildo that's easily bigger than your forearm. Twilight please tell me you're seeing this? >You look over to find that the door was still closed, but she could clearly see you from her window... if the purple mare didn't have her face already buried nose deep in another god damn book! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME, DON'T YOU SEE THIS!?! SHE'S RIGHT HERE!!! >Your cries for help fall on deaf ears as she flips through the pages lazily. >Was her damn tree sound proof or something? >Suddenly, a cold shiver runs up your spine as Bananahush leans down and whispers into your ear. >"Don't worry my love, she can join us afterwards~" >As you feel the uncomfortable sensation of plastic start to touch your ass, only one thing comes to mind. >Fucking Twilight Sparkle... Bad End.