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# Impossibly Lucky Anon

By: Smudgey on Feb 7th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 24.65 KB | hits: 364 | expires: Never
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1. >You are Anon
2. >The only human in Equestria.
3. >And lady luck was your mistress.
4. >You had a gambling addiction back on Earth and it ended up spelling out your doom.
5. >By the time everything was said and done, you were dead as a door nail.
6. >But God must've be a comedian, cause somehow you were alive and well.
7. >And living in a land of techno-colored talking horses...
8. >But that wasn't even the interesting part.
9. >Somewhere along the line you were reborn with liquid luck coursing through your veins.
10. >Since the day you stepped into P0nyville, you literally could do no harm or foul.
11. >Somehow, any mistake you made was immediately corrected by the cosmic divines to be in your favor.
12. >Twilight Sparkle had petitioned the Princess to build you a home to further boost cross-species relations after mistakenly treating you like a monkey in public.
13. >Rarity had been more than happy to make you a complete wardrobe in the name of "Generosity".
14. >The shiny diamond you found in your backyard had only sealed the deal.
15. >Rainbow Dash had become a close friend after you managed to beat her in her own competition.
16. >Having every single match end in your favor made spectators think it was rigged.
17. >Applejack was stunned by your skill to buck trees with just a light flick of your finger.
18. >And Fluttershy was amazed by your ability to communicate with animals.
19. >You couldn't understand what they were saying, but by dumb luck your thoughts would always manage to get across and vice versa.
20. >Yes life was truly wonderful here, you had it made!
21. >Hell you didn't even have to work! Food would just magically find its way into your hand somehow every single time.
22. >There was only one...tiny...catch.
23. >Since you had started residing here, a particular mare had become...incredibly infatuated with you.
24. >One Miss Pinkamena Diana Pie.
25. >Oh don't get the wrong idea, she was one pretty mare.
26. >But she was also a weeeee bit on the..."intense" side.
27. >Everyday she'd hound you for hot sloppy sex.
28. >And every time you'd have to fight her off.
29. >But the thing is she was...different from any other mare.
30. >She had her own weird talent, and it certainly wasn't her specialty at throwing parties either.
31. >Somehow she could bend the laws of reality to her whim and make them her bitch.
32. >And everyday she'd try to hax her way into your pants.
33. >...One time she literally did pop out of your pants.
34. >Scared the the living shit out of you.
35. >But it was alright, because you knew...
36. >You knew that your insane luck was the perfect counter to her crazy rule-breaker ability.
37. >Whatever she could break, you could fix.
38. >And no matter what she tried, you'd always end up on top.
39. >But enough talk about past-Anon, today's story is about present-Anon, and the hilarity of another average day.
41. >Day They're After Me Charms in Equestria
42. >Yawning widely you stretch and crack your back exactly how you like it.
43. >You sit up and rub your eyes as you stare out of your deluxe edition bed, the rays of sunlight from your window barely avoid blinding your vision.
44. >You smile and greet the new morning.
45. >Flipping off the sheets, they land neatly folded in the corner of your bed.
46. >Jumping out of bed without looking, your feet land right inside your slippers as you grab your bathrobe.
47. >Heading to the bathroom, you start your usual routine.
48. >Shit, shower, shave.
49. >As you get dressed, you make it downstairs in record time.
50. >It was always a new record each morning, sooner or later you were gonna just end up awake and already be prepped for the day.
51. >Walking into the kitchen, you pour a pot of coffee brewed just the way you like it and look at yesterday's newspaper still sitting on your counter.
52. >You read the headline, outlined in bold text.
53. >"RESIDENT HUMAN SAVES FILLIES FROM TRAGIC FIRE!"
54. >The front page had a picture of you dramatically carrying three little girls out of a burning building in your arms like some kind of superhero.
55. >You chuckle to yourself as you sip your coffee.
56. >Mayormare had commended you for your heroic efforts and given you the key to the town.
57. >Those silly fillies, at least now they knew being firefighters wasn't their special talent.
58. >In reality, you had simply found them collapsed on the first floor right next to the front entrance.
59. >It took less than a minute to pick them up and carry them outside, just in time for the paparazzi to snag a photo and label you P0nyville's bravest stallion.
60. >You even had a bright green four-leaf clover tattooed on your ass by the town's local ink artist to celebrate the occasion.
61. >Happening to conveniently be there just in time to save her from being run over by a speeding mattress merchant caravan did sweeten the deal after all.
62. >Sticking the photo on your fridge you hear somep0ny knocking on your door.
63. >Its too early for things to get crazy, you always woke up right at sunrise so you could enjoy your breakfast before shit hits the proverbial fan.
64. >You trudge over to the door and crack it open casually.
65. >Your eyes are greeted with a pair of yellow ones staring right back at them.
66. >...Until the left one slowly makes its way downward, apparently your slippers where far more entertaining.
67. >You greet the grey wally eyed mare as you take another sip of your coffee.
68. Mornin' Derpy, how's the most beautiful mail mare in P0nyville doing this fine day?
69. >She brings a hoof to her mouth to hide her girly smile as she blushes and rolls her eyes.
70. >"Oh stop it Mr.Anon, you know I'm the ONLY mail mare in P0nyville.
71. >You lean against your door frame, holding your cup as you give her a cheeky grin.
72. Doesn't mean it isn't true sexy.
73. >Her eyes go wide as she lets out an audible *gulp*.
74. >Somehow steam starts pouring out of her ears, was that even normal?
75. >You might have derped her brain for reals this time.
76. So did you get any packages for me today?
77. >She shakes her head as she snaps out of her daydream.
78. >"Oh ya! I know I've got some mail for you in... here... somewhere..."
79. >She starts to futilely scrounge around in her rucksack, attempting to locate your parcels.
80. >She works at it for a couple minutes with no luck whatsoever.
81. >You watch as she begins to nervously chuckle and bite her lower lip as she sweats with embarrassment.
82. >"eh..heheh...I'm sorry...just...hold on...one more sec...I got it...."
83. >She starts looking back and forth between you and the bag as she starts to dig faster in a panic.
84. >Smiling and rolling your eyes, you stick your hand inside her bag and randomly pull out some letters.
85. >They're all, of course, addressed to you.
86. >Stunned, Derpy puts on a childish smile that warms you up inside.
87. >"Wwwwwowwwww how'd you do that Mr.Anon, that's so cool!"
88. >You grin and wink as you point your finger at her like a gun.
89. Magic™
90. >You wave goodbye as she starts squealing like a school filly and flies off to her next destination.
91. >Feeling good about making another mare smile today, you step back into the house and look over each letter.
92. Bill...bill...bill...
93. >Each time you throw it in across the room without looking, they somehow always manage to land in the garbage bin perfectly.
94. Bi-OoOoOo an invitation!
95. >You sit down on your living room couch as you hold the letter above your head.
96. I hope its another letter from Luna asking for a slumber party, that sexy lingerie was to die for.
97. >Making a tiny cut with your fingernail, you tear off the top in a perfectly straight line.
98. >Pulling the card out, you're immediately assaulted with pink glitter.
99. >You sneeze just in the nick of time and blow the girly fluff away before it can latch onto your freshly washed clothes.
100. >Shaking your head a little, you take a look at the sickeningly feminine card.
101. >"My dear hunky Nonny, you are hereby invited to SugareCube Corner for the one year anniversary of your first arrival here in P0nyville! There will be cake, dancing, and a little something ~extra~ if your "lucky". It starts at eight. Can't wait to see you there! P.P. XOXOXO"
102. >You stare at the card in your hands for a minute straight, complete boredom written across your face.
103. Ya that's totally not happening.
104. >With a stylish twist and flick, you toss the card into the garbage along with the rest of it's forgotten brethren.
105. >"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?"
106. >Your trash bin explodes as Pinkie jumps out of it.
107. JESUS MOTHER OF CHRIST!
108. >Your back slams against the wall as you clutch your chest and manually force your heart to keep beating.
109. For the love of fuck stop scaring me like that Pinkie!
110. >Standing from across the room, she ignores your statement as she frowns in frustration.
111. >"What do you mean your not coming to the party??? It's YOUR party!!!"
112. >She starts trotting towards you.
113. >You don't even try to move, but not because your scared.
114. >On the contrary, you know better than anyone you're perfectly save right where you are.
115. I'm not going to your damn party Pinkie, we both know it's just a ruse to get me when my guard is down.
116. >You lean back on your couch and relax like a boss.
117. >She looks at you with pouty puppy dog eyes, lip quivering sadly.
118. >"But I got everything set up already, all the girls are gonna be waiting there just for you..."
119. >You blow a raspberry and roll your eyes.
120. Right, like I haven't heard that one before.
121. >Her expression doing a complete 180, she stomps towards you.
122. >"Geez Nonny, if I wanted to just get into your pants, I'd just rut you...right here...right now~."
123. >She tries to give you the bedroom eyes, you just grin maliciously back at her.
124. That's not gonna happen Pinkie Pie.
125. >"And why not? You know I have ways to make you crack."
126. >She looks down on you with smug sense of authority.
127. Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how creative you get, you...can't...BEAT...me!
128. >You hold your hands in front of you, as you flash her a creepy, wide eyed, toothy grin.
129. >The universal sign for "Come at me brah~!"
130. >Her smile disappeared, only to be replaced with a solemn glare.
131. >The usual ~pomf~ of her curly hair deflating till it was silky smooth.
132. >You knew that was her >Rape face...
133. >Which sucked cause you thought her straight hair was pretty sexy.
134. >"Tell me Nonny, if I get on top of you..."
135. >She slips her hind legs over your crotch and begins to straddle you.
136. >"What is going to stop me from leaning over..."
137. >She grabs your collar as you continue to smile, your jimmies are still far from rustled.
138. >"And doing...this~<3"
139. >Your feel the taste of cotton candy pour into your mouth as she locks her warm lips with your own.
140. >Moaning with ecstasy, she starts to wrap her arms around your neck.
141. >When suddenly her eyes shoot wide open!
142. >Falling off of you in a panic, she struggles to stand and rushes over to your living room mirror.
143. >Her lips had begun to sting and turn an odd reddish-purple.
144. >Turning back to face you, her look of oppression long forgotten, she attempts to get some answers.
145. >"Nonny, vwhat bid yoo do to meh?!"
146. >You start laughing out loud as her face begins to swell up.
147. Me? Why I haven't done anything at all my pretty pink princess. Perhaps it was this lilac scented lip balm Rose Luck just happened to give me as a gift yesterday.
148. >She starts to panic.
149. >"Wiwacs!?! Butt ah'm awergic to wiwacs!"
150. >You shrug your shoulders and smile.
151. Well I guess you better get to the hospital quick then eh?
152. >You watch as her lips swell up to a gross degree.
153. >"EEEEEEEK!"
154. >She bolts out the door and runs straight down the road as fast as she can.
155. >You open your window and shout to her in the distance.
156. See you at the party!!!
157. >You watch as she trips on her face, crawls back up and starts running again.
158. >You turn around and wave your hand behind you dismissively.
159. ...ehh she'll be fiiiine.
160. >Sitting back on your couch, you kiss your middle and index fingers and point them at the sky.
161. Thanks Lady Luck, never doubted you for a second.
162. >You decide to start getting ready for the party.
163. >What was there to fear when L.L. has got your back?
165. >Dressed in the sexy attire Rarity had so generously made for you, you make your way to SugarCube Corner.
166. >Walking down the road, you finish the last of your apple fritters.
167. >Applejack had given you some after you tripped a thief that tried shoplifting from her stand in the middle of the marketplace the other day.
168. >Cleaning off your hands with a handkerchief, you take a detour over to Rose Luck's flower stand.
169. >Her bored face turns into a bright smile as she watches you wave and come over.
170. >"Oh my Mr.Anon, to what do I owe the pleasure."
171. >You reach over and gently grab her front hoof, leaning down and giving it a kiss.
172. A thank you, for that lovely gift you gave me the other day, it really helped me when I needed it most.
173. >Leaning on her counter, she paws at you playfully with her free hoof.
174. >"Oh that silly old thing? Think nothing of it, really I just thought you'd like the smell."
175. >She bats her eyelashes at you and bites her lower lip seductively.
176. "It's one of my favorites."
177. >You grin back at her coyly.
178. I think I'll keep that in mind.
179. >Giving her a wink, you slide a couple bits on the counter and place a lilac in your breast pocket.
180. One for the road.
181. >Turning around with a light wave, you hear her moan with lust behind you.
182. >You really did give her a lot of special attention for some reason.
183. >Maybe its because she has Luck in her name...
185. >With a little time left to kill, you decide to take the long way to SQC.
186. >Walking down a back road, you casually move along until you spot something.
187. >Something completely retarded, from a mile away...
188. >Hands in your pockets, you stroll up to it and stare at the giant cartoon anvil dangling from the sky.
189. >Craning your head up, you marvel at the sheer stupidity of the scene.
190. If that were to hit me, I would fucking die, no questions asked.
191. >You follow the rope keeping it suspended all the way down to a nearby bush.
192. >It shakes and giggles loudly.
193. >You face palm and shout.
194. Bring it bitch!
195. >You walk forward, each step another inch towards the comical red X painted on the dirt below it.
196. >You can practically hear her sweat candy syrup with anticipation.
197. >Closer, closer, your toe steps a mere centimeter away from its proximity of the dangerzone.
198. >Your foot hovering over mid way, you're interrupted by a sudden deafening *CRACK*.
199. >It's a clear summer day, but lightning somehow zaps the anvil and lights the rope on fire.
200. >Backing up, you watch as the flame trails its way down the rope until it finally disappears into the bush.
201. >And then there was silence.
202. ...
203. ...
204. >"SWEET CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!!!"
205. >You watch as Pinkie bursts out of the brush, her fluffy mane caught in a horrible blaze.
206. >"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
207. >She drops the rope and screams as she books it all the way to wherever the nearest pond is.
208. >After deservedly laughing your ass off, you wipe a tear from your eye and look up.
209. >Your smile washes away as you pause for a moment, staring dumbfoundedly at the anvil still suspended in mid air.
210. da fuck...?
211. >Deciding not to dwell on it, you walk around it and make your way to SQC before you're to late.
213. >The party has finally started.
214. >Music is playing, the girls are grooving to the beat, and best of all...no Pink p0ne in sight.
215. >But you knew it was just a matter of time before she recovered.
216. >She was like a freaky rule bending zombie...
217. >You weren't much of a dancer, it wasn't that fun when luck would correct all of your mistakes for you.
218. >Sliding off to the corner, you smile and reminisce over the gifts the ladies had given you.
219. >Fluttershy had given you a jar of specially made, hard to get, peach honey.
220. >Spread that shit on toast and eat breakfast like a king!
221. >Applejack gave you a bottle of Applejack Daniels.
222. >You had no clue how it was made, but you'll be damned if you weren't gonna drink it.
223. >Rarity gave you perfectly framed photo of herself in sexy underwear.
224. >How the hell did putting ON clothes make her look even more attractive?
225. >Of course Twilight brought you a book.
226. >"One hundred and one reasons why luck doesn't statistically exist."
227. >You shook your head and rolled your eyes.
228. Silly purple p0ne, if luck doesn't exist, that just means I'm naturally awesome instead.
229. >And Rainbow even gave you one of her favorite joy buzzers.
230. >"Make sure you get a good laugh out of it." she said as she elbowed your side playfully.
231. >Then she went back to party to get even more sloshed than she already was.
232. >Strapping it onto your middle finger so it rested in the palm of your hand, you held it up and admired the tiny silver disk.
233. >Grinning like an idiot to yourself, you decide to go grab some more punch from the buffet.
234. >Making your way over, you pour yourself another cup, turn around and start to walk back to dance floor.
235. >Like hell you were gonna spend the whole night in the corner.
236. >With your back turned, Pinkie suddenly bursts out from under the buffet table.
237. >"I've got you no-"
238. Think fast...
239. >Calmly taking a slurp of your punch while still looking away at the dance floor, you can almost visualize the buzzer the moment it clicks into her forehead as you pull your hand forward in slow motion.
240. >....*CLICK*
241. >"eeeeEEEEKKKKKKKKZZZZZAGZGAGAZGAGAHHH!"
242. >Taking another sip of your drink, you watch as she flails around violently, lightning seemingly shooting out of your hand.
243. >Her hair starts to turn black as the smell of burnt sugar fills the air.
244. >Finally releasing her, you gaze at her visage as she stands still in front of you, her fresh new coat a smoldering obsidian color.
245. >God damn, how strong WAS this thing?
246. >Staring at the little disk, you turn and watch as Pinkie staggers around, stumbling back and forth in delirium.
247. >With a dramatic pause, she keels over and faceplants on the floor.
248. >Rainbow suddenly flies over, laughing the whole way.
249. >"ahhhhhahahaha, he got you good didn't he Pinkie?"
250. >She elbows her in the ribs, a muffled noise coming from her as her face still laid flat on the floor.
251. >"....ppppaiiiiiinnnn"
252. >Cupping a hand around your mouth, you call out to the room loudly.
253. Clean up on aisle Pinkie!
254. >The crowd lets out a collective laugh before they get back to the swing of things.
255. >Peeling her off the floor, Rainbow continues laughing as she carries her back to the party.
256. >You take your lilac out of your pocket and give it a good whiff, smiling at her mischievously as she's hauled away.
257. This is turning out to be a fun day.
259. >It was finally time to head home.
260. >Trying to get in your pants, all of the girls had decided to challenge you to back to back beer pong tournaments.
261. >The audacity of them to think they could best YOU of all people at a game of skill, cunning, and reflexes.
262. >After twelve consecutive wins (best two out of three), you left the girls in a drunken mess and went home with barely more than a slight buzz and a skip in your step.
263. >It seemed like the right time to bail when Applejack and Rainbow stopped ogling you and started flirting with each other instead.
264. >Eating some left over anniversary cake, you fumble with your keys and unlock your house.
265. >Closing the door behind you, you don't even notice as it nicely locks itself for you in your lightheaded stupor.
266. >Stumbling up the stairs to your bedroom, you kick off your shoes and toss the rest of your clothes in your laundry hamper.
267. >All of them landing in it neatly folded of course.
268. >Making your way to your bed, you flop in it ready for some zZzZzs
269. >You didn't bother getting anything else, it got way to hot in the summer to sleep in pajamas.
270. >Haphazardly wrapping your blanket across half of your body, you rest your head on the pillow and gaze up at the ceiling above you.
271. >With a content sigh, your eyes slowly flutter closed as you drift off to sleep.
272. *SNORE*
273. >Your friends always did say you sleep like a dump truck...
274. *SNORE*
275. >*Drip*
276. >Something wet touches your cheek.
277. *SNO-...?
278. >*Drip Drip*
279. >You flinch as more droplets smack your forehead.
280. ...what the fuck?
281. >*Drip Drip Drip*
282. >Getting annoyed you crack your eyes open slightly.
283. Is there a fucking leak or some-
284. >A drop smacks you right in the eye, it stings like a bitch.
285. GOD DAMN IT!
286. >Sputtering, you sit up and rub open your eyes.
287. >They shoot wide open as you look at what used to be your empty ceiling just seconds earlier.
288. >Pinkie Pie is stuck on the roof straight above your bed, sporting a giant black dildo, huffing and puffing as mare juice slides down the tip and lands on the pillow behind you.
289. Pinkie...
290. >"Yes Nonny?"
291. I hope you realize...that this means war...
292. >"Silly Nonny, I make love, not war."
293. Touc-
294. >Before you can finish your sentence she drops down, screaming like Xena.
295. >"YYYAAHHLALALALAAAAHHHH!"
296. >Just at that exact moment, the coils in the upper half of your bed just happen to become faulty all at the same time.
297. >With a loud *SNAP* your bed launches you forward like a spring towards your closet.
298. >Pinkie lands on the backside of the mattress, bouncing her straight into the back wall.
299. >The closet door, sitting partially closed, is swung open by a stray breeze.
300. >Landing face first inside, you get up and thrash about wildly without thinking.
301. >You manage to escape and stumble your way out, somehow now fully dressed again.
302. >Shaking the stars out of her eyes, she gets up and starts charging towards you.
303. >With a stern glare, you take a Kung-Fu stance and stomp your foot down on the ground in front of you.
304. >By sheer coincidence, the plank in your floor board just happens to come loose.
305. >Shooting upward, Pinkie gets clocked in the jaw by the 2x4.
306. >Disorientated, she stumbles backwards onto your fashionable rug that you won in the market lottery last week.
307. >Seemingly loosing all sense of friction, it immediately slips out from under her causing her head to hit the solid oak floor.
308. >Fumbling weakly, she grabs onto your laundry hamper for support and tries to lift herself up.
309. >Instead, it tips over causing her to fall back down.
310. >Your shirt falls out, a familiar flower catching your eye as it drops down on a gentle breeze and lands on her face, right between the bridge of her eyes.
311. >She instantly goes cross eyed and screeches in terror.
312. >"NO NOT AGAIN!"
313. >She starts flailing on the floor, try to swat off any and all petals in a panic.
314. >Backing up before she gets a chance to recover, you smack the wall behind you with the back of your fist like you were The Fonz.
315. >You watch as a thin line cracks its way straight up the ceiling, flowing along the roof top till it causes a tile to come loose.
316. >By sheer luck it just happened to be the exact one above Pinkie and lands right square on her head, shattering like broken marble.
317. >As the dust settles you look over at her from across the room, one of her hind legs twitches randomly.
318. >She's out like a light.
319. Finally...it's over.
320. >You scratch your ass.
321. Now I can get some fucking shut eye.
322. >You close your eyes and take a loud yawn, stretching your arms out wide surprisingly fast.
323. >"SURPRISE MOTHAFUC-"
324. >Your outstretched fist just so happens to lodge itself snugly inside Pinkie's temple as she suddenly pops out of your closet, causing her to slump to the floor beside you.
325. >Arms still up in the air, you cut off your yawn half way and open your eyes.
326. ...
327. >Your head moves downwards as you stare in front of you, Pinkie is still there on your carpet.
328. ...
329. >You look to your side and there's Pinkie passed out on the floor.
330. ...
331. >You look back at the carpet and see she's gone, with only the flower remaining.
332. ...Enough of this bullshit.
333. >Picking up the Pinkie beside you, you line her up with your window and give her a mediocre cunt punt deciding to let luck take the wheel.
334. >You hold a hand above your eyes and watch your shot.
335. >She bounces off a roof, smacking into another house's chimney, and ricochets straight into SugarCubeCorner.
336. >Crashing right through, she lands in her own bed with a springy bounce, safe and sound.
337. >Her home has a gaping hole in it now, p0nies really shouldn't make walls out of candy, not exactly prime building material.
338. >Making a cheeky grin, you turn around and have it instantly fade into a frown as you stare at your
339. bed, now looking like a lopsided taco.
340. Damn it... I loved that fricken bed, what the hell am I gonna sleep on now...
341. >You wander over to the fallen lilac and pick it back up, sighing dejectedly.
342. >Hearing a noise coming down the road from outside your home, you get curious and take another look out the window.
343. >A familiar nameless merchant cart is speeding down the road, carrying mattresses in the middle of the night.
344. >Bumping along the path, it hits a large pothole and flails around.
345. >A large fluffy mattress slips and flies out, landing right on your doorstep.
346. >You watch as the caravan speeds off into the distance, not even noticing the missing cargo.
347. >You look at them, then turn to the mattress on the ground beneath you.
348. >You take a long hard stare it.
349. >Letting out a relaxed sigh, you rest your head in your hand, and smell the lilac as lean out the window.
350. >You smile as you gaze up at the brightly glowing luminescent stars, shimmering in the night sky just the way you like it.
351. >And you mutter under your breath.
352. Silly Pinkie Pie...
353. Lady Luck is my mare.

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>You are Anon >The only human in Equestria. >And lady luck was your mistress. >You had a gambling addiction back on Earth and it ended up spelling out your doom. >By the time everything was said and done, you were dead as a door nail. >But God must've be a comedian, cause somehow you were alive and well. >And living in a land of techno-colored talking horses... >But that wasn't even the interesting part. >Somewhere along the line you were reborn with liquid luck coursing through your veins. >Since the day you stepped into P0nyville, you literally could do no harm or foul. >Somehow, any mistake you made was immediately corrected by the cosmic divines to be in your favor. >Twilight Sparkle had petitioned the Princess to build you a home to further boost cross-species relations after mistakenly treating you like a monkey in public. >Rarity had been more than happy to make you a complete wardrobe in the name of "Generosity". >The shiny diamond you found in your backyard had only sealed the deal. >Rainbow Dash had become a close friend after you managed to beat her in her own competition. >Having every single match end in your favor made spectators think it was rigged. >Applejack was stunned by your skill to buck trees with just a light flick of your finger. >And Fluttershy was amazed by your ability to communicate with animals. >You couldn't understand what they were saying, but by dumb luck your thoughts would always manage to get across and vice versa. >Yes life was truly wonderful here, you had it made! >Hell you didn't even have to work! Food would just magically find its way into your hand somehow every single time. >There was only one...tiny...catch. >Since you had started residing here, a particular mare had become...incredibly infatuated with you. >One Miss Pinkamena Diana Pie. >Oh don't get the wrong idea, she was one pretty mare. >But she was also a weeeee bit on the..."intense" side. >Everyday she'd hound you for hot sloppy sex. >And every time you'd have to fight her off. >But the thing is she was...different from any other mare. >She had her own weird talent, and it certainly wasn't her specialty at throwing parties either. >Somehow she could bend the laws of reality to her whim and make them her bitch. >And everyday she'd try to hax her way into your pants. >...One time she literally did pop out of your pants. >Scared the the living shit out of you. >But it was alright, because you knew... >You knew that your insane luck was the perfect counter to her crazy rule-breaker ability. >Whatever she could break, you could fix. >And no matter what she tried, you'd always end up on top. >But enough talk about past-Anon, today's story is about present-Anon, and the hilarity of another average day. >Day They're After Me Charms in Equestria >Yawning widely you stretch and crack your back exactly how you like it. >You sit up and rub your eyes as you stare out of your deluxe edition bed, the rays of sunlight from your window barely avoid blinding your vision. >You smile and greet the new morning. >Flipping off the sheets, they land neatly folded in the corner of your bed. >Jumping out of bed without looking, your feet land right inside your slippers as you grab your bathrobe. >Heading to the bathroom, you start your usual routine. >Shit, shower, shave. >As you get dressed, you make it downstairs in record time. >It was always a new record each morning, sooner or later you were gonna just end up awake and already be prepped for the day. >Walking into the kitchen, you pour a pot of coffee brewed just the way you like it and look at yesterday's newspaper still sitting on your counter. >You read the headline, outlined in bold text. >"RESIDENT HUMAN SAVES FILLIES FROM TRAGIC FIRE!" >The front page had a picture of you dramatically carrying three little girls out of a burning building in your arms like some kind of superhero. >You chuckle to yourself as you sip your coffee. >Mayormare had commended you for your heroic efforts and given you the key to the town. >Those silly fillies, at least now they knew being firefighters wasn't their special talent. >In reality, you had simply found them collapsed on the first floor right next to the front entrance. >It took less than a minute to pick them up and carry them outside, just in time for the paparazzi to snag a photo and label you P0nyville's bravest stallion. >You even had a bright green four-leaf clover tattooed on your ass by the town's local ink artist to celebrate the occasion. >Happening to conveniently be there just in time to save her from being run over by a speeding mattress merchant caravan did sweeten the deal after all. >Sticking the photo on your fridge you hear somep0ny knocking on your door. >Its too early for things to get crazy, you always woke up right at sunrise so you could enjoy your breakfast before shit hits the proverbial fan. >You trudge over to the door and crack it open casually. >Your eyes are greeted with a pair of yellow ones staring right back at them. >...Until the left one slowly makes its way downward, apparently your slippers where far more entertaining. >You greet the grey wally eyed mare as you take another sip of your coffee. Mornin' Derpy, how's the most beautiful mail mare in P0nyville doing this fine day? >She brings a hoof to her mouth to hide her girly smile as she blushes and rolls her eyes. >"Oh stop it Mr.Anon, you know I'm the ONLY mail mare in P0nyville. >You lean against your door frame, holding your cup as you give her a cheeky grin. Doesn't mean it isn't true sexy. >Her eyes go wide as she lets out an audible *gulp*. >Somehow steam starts pouring out of her ears, was that even normal? >You might have derped her brain for reals this time. So did you get any packages for me today? >She shakes her head as she snaps out of her daydream. >"Oh ya! I know I've got some mail for you in... here... somewhere..." >She starts to futilely scrounge around in her rucksack, attempting to locate your parcels. >She works at it for a couple minutes with no luck whatsoever. >You watch as she begins to nervously chuckle and bite her lower lip as she sweats with embarrassment. >"eh..heheh...I'm sorry...just...hold on...one more sec...I got it...." >She starts looking back and forth between you and the bag as she starts to dig faster in a panic. >Smiling and rolling your eyes, you stick your hand inside her bag and randomly pull out some letters. >They're all, of course, addressed to you. >Stunned, Derpy puts on a childish smile that warms you up inside. >"Wwwwwowwwww how'd you do that Mr.Anon, that's so cool!" >You grin and wink as you point your finger at her like a gun. Magic™ >You wave goodbye as she starts squealing like a school filly and flies off to her next destination. >Feeling good about making another mare smile today, you step back into the house and look over each letter. Bill...bill...bill... >Each time you throw it in across the room without looking, they somehow always manage to land in the garbage bin perfectly. Bi-OoOoOo an invitation! >You sit down on your living room couch as you hold the letter above your head. I hope its another letter from Luna asking for a slumber party, that sexy lingerie was to die for. >Making a tiny cut with your fingernail, you tear off the top in a perfectly straight line. >Pulling the card out, you're immediately assaulted with pink glitter. >You sneeze just in the nick of time and blow the girly fluff away before it can latch onto your freshly washed clothes. >Shaking your head a little, you take a look at the sickeningly feminine card. >"My dear hunky Nonny, you are hereby invited to SugareCube Corner for the one year anniversary of your first arrival here in P0nyville! There will be cake, dancing, and a little something ~extra~ if your "lucky". It starts at eight. Can't wait to see you there! P.P. XOXOXO" >You stare at the card in your hands for a minute straight, complete boredom written across your face. Ya that's totally not happening. >With a stylish twist and flick, you toss the card into the garbage along with the rest of it's forgotten brethren. >"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?" >Your trash bin explodes as Pinkie jumps out of it. JESUS MOTHER OF CHRIST! >Your back slams against the wall as you clutch your chest and manually force your heart to keep beating. For the love of fuck stop scaring me like that Pinkie! >Standing from across the room, she ignores your statement as she frowns in frustration. >"What do you mean your not coming to the party??? It's YOUR party!!!" >She starts trotting towards you. >You don't even try to move, but not because your scared. >On the contrary, you know better than anyone you're perfectly save right where you are. I'm not going to your damn party Pinkie, we both know it's just a ruse to get me when my guard is down. >You lean back on your couch and relax like a boss. >She looks at you with pouty puppy dog eyes, lip quivering sadly. >"But I got everything set up already, all the girls are gonna be waiting there just for you..." >You blow a raspberry and roll your eyes. Right, like I haven't heard that one before. >Her expression doing a complete 180, she stomps towards you. >"Geez Nonny, if I wanted to just get into your pants, I'd just rut you...right here...right now~." >She tries to give you the bedroom eyes, you just grin maliciously back at her. That's not gonna happen Pinkie Pie. >"And why not? You know I have ways to make you crack." >She looks down on you with smug sense of authority. Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how creative you get, you...can't...BEAT...me! >You hold your hands in front of you, as you flash her a creepy, wide eyed, toothy grin. >The universal sign for "Come at me brah~!" >Her smile disappeared, only to be replaced with a solemn glare. >The usual ~pomf~ of her curly hair deflating till it was silky smooth. >You knew that was her >Rape face... >Which sucked cause you thought her straight hair was pretty sexy. >"Tell me Nonny, if I get on top of you..." >She slips her hind legs over your crotch and begins to straddle you. >"What is going to stop me from leaning over..." >She grabs your collar as you continue to smile, your jimmies are still far from rustled. >"And doing...this~<3" >Your feel the taste of cotton candy pour into your mouth as she locks her warm lips with your own. >Moaning with ecstasy, she starts to wrap her arms around your neck. >When suddenly her eyes shoot wide open! >Falling off of you in a panic, she struggles to stand and rushes over to your living room mirror. >Her lips had begun to sting and turn an odd reddish-purple. >Turning back to face you, her look of oppression long forgotten, she attempts to get some answers. >"Nonny, vwhat bid yoo do to meh?!" >You start laughing out loud as her face begins to swell up. Me? Why I haven't done anything at all my pretty pink princess. Perhaps it was this lilac scented lip balm Rose Luck just happened to give me as a gift yesterday. >She starts to panic. >"Wiwacs!?! Butt ah'm awergic to wiwacs!" >You shrug your shoulders and smile. Well I guess you better get to the hospital quick then eh? >You watch as her lips swell up to a gross degree. >"EEEEEEEK!" >She bolts out the door and runs straight down the road as fast as she can. >You open your window and shout to her in the distance. See you at the party!!! >You watch as she trips on her face, crawls back up and starts running again. >You turn around and wave your hand behind you dismissively. ...ehh she'll be fiiiine. >Sitting back on your couch, you kiss your middle and index fingers and point them at the sky. Thanks Lady Luck, never doubted you for a second. >You decide to start getting ready for the party. >What was there to fear when L.L. has got your back? >Dressed in the sexy attire Rarity had so generously made for you, you make your way to SugarCube Corner. >Walking down the road, you finish the last of your apple fritters. >Applejack had given you some after you tripped a thief that tried shoplifting from her stand in the middle of the marketplace the other day. >Cleaning off your hands with a handkerchief, you take a detour over to Rose Luck's flower stand. >Her bored face turns into a bright smile as she watches you wave and come over. >"Oh my Mr.Anon, to what do I owe the pleasure." >You reach over and gently grab her front hoof, leaning down and giving it a kiss. A thank you, for that lovely gift you gave me the other day, it really helped me when I needed it most. >Leaning on her counter, she paws at you playfully with her free hoof. >"Oh that silly old thing? Think nothing of it, really I just thought you'd like the smell." >She bats her eyelashes at you and bites her lower lip seductively. "It's one of my favorites." >You grin back at her coyly. I think I'll keep that in mind. >Giving her a wink, you slide a couple bits on the counter and place a lilac in your breast pocket. One for the road. >Turning around with a light wave, you hear her moan with lust behind you. >You really did give her a lot of special attention for some reason. >Maybe its because she has Luck in her name... >With a little time left to kill, you decide to take the long way to SQC. >Walking down a back road, you casually move along until you spot something. >Something completely retarded, from a mile away... >Hands in your pockets, you stroll up to it and stare at the giant cartoon anvil dangling from the sky. >Craning your head up, you marvel at the sheer stupidity of the scene. If that were to hit me, I would fucking die, no questions asked. >You follow the rope keeping it suspended all the way down to a nearby bush. >It shakes and giggles loudly. >You face palm and shout. Bring it bitch! >You walk forward, each step another inch towards the comical red X painted on the dirt below it. >You can practically hear her sweat candy syrup with anticipation. >Closer, closer, your toe steps a mere centimeter away from its proximity of the dangerzone. >Your foot hovering over mid way, you're interrupted by a sudden deafening *CRACK*. >It's a clear summer day, but lightning somehow zaps the anvil and lights the rope on fire. >Backing up, you watch as the flame trails its way down the rope until it finally disappears into the bush. >And then there was silence. ... ... >"SWEET CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!!!" >You watch as Pinkie bursts out of the brush, her fluffy mane caught in a horrible blaze. >"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" >She drops the rope and screams as she books it all the way to wherever the nearest pond is. >After deservedly laughing your ass off, you wipe a tear from your eye and look up. >Your smile washes away as you pause for a moment, staring dumbfoundedly at the anvil still suspended in mid air. da fuck...? >Deciding not to dwell on it, you walk around it and make your way to SQC before you're to late. >The party has finally started. >Music is playing, the girls are grooving to the beat, and best of all...no Pink p0ne in sight. >But you knew it was just a matter of time before she recovered. >She was like a freaky rule bending zombie... >You weren't much of a dancer, it wasn't that fun when luck would correct all of your mistakes for you. >Sliding off to the corner, you smile and reminisce over the gifts the ladies had given you. >Fluttershy had given you a jar of specially made, hard to get, peach honey. >Spread that shit on toast and eat breakfast like a king! >Applejack gave you a bottle of Applejack Daniels. >You had no clue how it was made, but you'll be damned if you weren't gonna drink it. >Rarity gave you perfectly framed photo of herself in sexy underwear. >How the hell did putting ON clothes make her look even more attractive? >Of course Twilight brought you a book. >"One hundred and one reasons why luck doesn't statistically exist." >You shook your head and rolled your eyes. Silly purple p0ne, if luck doesn't exist, that just means I'm naturally awesome instead. >And Rainbow even gave you one of her favorite joy buzzers. >"Make sure you get a good laugh out of it." she said as she elbowed your side playfully. >Then she went back to party to get even more sloshed than she already was. >Strapping it onto your middle finger so it rested in the palm of your hand, you held it up and admired the tiny silver disk. >Grinning like an idiot to yourself, you decide to go grab some more punch from the buffet. >Making your way over, you pour yourself another cup, turn around and start to walk back to dance floor. >Like hell you were gonna spend the whole night in the corner. >With your back turned, Pinkie suddenly bursts out from under the buffet table. >"I've got you no-" Think fast... >Calmly taking a slurp of your punch while still looking away at the dance floor, you can almost visualize the buzzer the moment it clicks into her forehead as you pull your hand forward in slow motion. >....*CLICK* >"eeeeEEEEKKKKKKKKZZZZZAGZGAGAZGAGAHHH!" >Taking another sip of your drink, you watch as she flails around violently, lightning seemingly shooting out of your hand. >Her hair starts to turn black as the smell of burnt sugar fills the air. >Finally releasing her, you gaze at her visage as she stands still in front of you, her fresh new coat a smoldering obsidian color. >God damn, how strong WAS this thing? >Staring at the little disk, you turn and watch as Pinkie staggers around, stumbling back and forth in delirium. >With a dramatic pause, she keels over and faceplants on the floor. >Rainbow suddenly flies over, laughing the whole way. >"ahhhhhahahaha, he got you good didn't he Pinkie?" >She elbows her in the ribs, a muffled noise coming from her as her face still laid flat on the floor. >"....ppppaiiiiiinnnn" >Cupping a hand around your mouth, you call out to the room loudly. Clean up on aisle Pinkie! >The crowd lets out a collective laugh before they get back to the swing of things. >Peeling her off the floor, Rainbow continues laughing as she carries her back to the party. >You take your lilac out of your pocket and give it a good whiff, smiling at her mischievously as she's hauled away. This is turning out to be a fun day. >It was finally time to head home. >Trying to get in your pants, all of the girls had decided to challenge you to back to back beer pong tournaments. >The audacity of them to think they could best YOU of all people at a game of skill, cunning, and reflexes. >After twelve consecutive wins (best two out of three), you left the girls in a drunken mess and went home with barely more than a slight buzz and a skip in your step. >It seemed like the right time to bail when Applejack and Rainbow stopped ogling you and started flirting with each other instead. >Eating some left over anniversary cake, you fumble with your keys and unlock your house. >Closing the door behind you, you don't even notice as it nicely locks itself for you in your lightheaded stupor. >Stumbling up the stairs to your bedroom, you kick off your shoes and toss the rest of your clothes in your laundry hamper. >All of them landing in it neatly folded of course. >Making your way to your bed, you flop in it ready for some zZzZzs >You didn't bother getting anything else, it got way to hot in the summer to sleep in pajamas. >Haphazardly wrapping your blanket across half of your body, you rest your head on the pillow and gaze up at the ceiling above you. >With a content sigh, your eyes slowly flutter closed as you drift off to sleep. *SNORE* >Your friends always did say you sleep like a dump truck... *SNORE* >*Drip* >Something wet touches your cheek. *SNO-...? >*Drip Drip* >You flinch as more droplets smack your forehead. ...what the fuck? >*Drip Drip Drip* >Getting annoyed you crack your eyes open slightly. Is there a fucking leak or some- >A drop smacks you right in the eye, it stings like a bitch. GOD DAMN IT! >Sputtering, you sit up and rub open your eyes. >They shoot wide open as you look at what used to be your empty ceiling just seconds earlier. >Pinkie Pie is stuck on the roof straight above your bed, sporting a giant black dildo, huffing and puffing as mare juice slides down the tip and lands on the pillow behind you. Pinkie... >"Yes Nonny?" I hope you realize...that this means war... >"Silly Nonny, I make love, not war." Touc- >Before you can finish your sentence she drops down, screaming like Xena. >"YYYAAHHLALALALAAAAHHHH!" >Just at that exact moment, the coils in the upper half of your bed just happen to become faulty all at the same time. >With a loud *SNAP* your bed launches you forward like a spring towards your closet. >Pinkie lands on the backside of the mattress, bouncing her straight into the back wall. >The closet door, sitting partially closed, is swung open by a stray breeze. >Landing face first inside, you get up and thrash about wildly without thinking. >You manage to escape and stumble your way out, somehow now fully dressed again. >Shaking the stars out of her eyes, she gets up and starts charging towards you. >With a stern glare, you take a Kung-Fu stance and stomp your foot down on the ground in front of you. >By sheer coincidence, the plank in your floor board just happens to come loose. >Shooting upward, Pinkie gets clocked in the jaw by the 2x4. >Disorientated, she stumbles backwards onto your fashionable rug that you won in the market lottery last week. >Seemingly loosing all sense of friction, it immediately slips out from under her causing her head to hit the solid oak floor. >Fumbling weakly, she grabs onto your laundry hamper for support and tries to lift herself up. >Instead, it tips over causing her to fall back down. >Your shirt falls out, a familiar flower catching your eye as it drops down on a gentle breeze and lands on her face, right between the bridge of her eyes. >She instantly goes cross eyed and screeches in terror. >"NO NOT AGAIN!" >She starts flailing on the floor, try to swat off any and all petals in a panic. >Backing up before she gets a chance to recover, you smack the wall behind you with the back of your fist like you were The Fonz. >You watch as a thin line cracks its way straight up the ceiling, flowing along the roof top till it causes a tile to come loose. >By sheer luck it just happened to be the exact one above Pinkie and lands right square on her head, shattering like broken marble. >As the dust settles you look over at her from across the room, one of her hind legs twitches randomly. >She's out like a light. Finally...it's over. >You scratch your ass. Now I can get some fucking shut eye. >You close your eyes and take a loud yawn, stretching your arms out wide surprisingly fast. >"SURPRISE MOTHAFUC-" >Your outstretched fist just so happens to lodge itself snugly inside Pinkie's temple as she suddenly pops out of your closet, causing her to slump to the floor beside you. >Arms still up in the air, you cut off your yawn half way and open your eyes. ... >Your head moves downwards as you stare in front of you, Pinkie is still there on your carpet. ... >You look to your side and there's Pinkie passed out on the floor. ... >You look back at the carpet and see she's gone, with only the flower remaining. ...Enough of this bullshit. >Picking up the Pinkie beside you, you line her up with your window and give her a mediocre cunt punt deciding to let luck take the wheel. >You hold a hand above your eyes and watch your shot. >She bounces off a roof, smacking into another house's chimney, and ricochets straight into SugarCubeCorner. >Crashing right through, she lands in her own bed with a springy bounce, safe and sound. >Her home has a gaping hole in it now, p0nies really shouldn't make walls out of candy, not exactly prime building material. >Making a cheeky grin, you turn around and have it instantly fade into a frown as you stare at your bed, now looking like a lopsided taco. Damn it... I loved that fricken bed, what the hell am I gonna sleep on now... >You wander over to the fallen lilac and pick it back up, sighing dejectedly. >Hearing a noise coming down the road from outside your home, you get curious and take another look out the window. >A familiar nameless merchant cart is speeding down the road, carrying mattresses in the middle of the night. >Bumping along the path, it hits a large pothole and flails around. >A large fluffy mattress slips and flies out, landing right on your doorstep. >You watch as the caravan speeds off into the distance, not even noticing the missing cargo. >You look at them, then turn to the mattress on the ground beneath you. >You take a long hard stare it. >Letting out a relaxed sigh, you rest your head in your hand, and smell the lilac as lean out the window. >You smile as you gaze up at the brightly glowing luminescent stars, shimmering in the night sky just the way you like it. >And you mutter under your breath. Silly Pinkie Pie... Lady Luck is my mare.