Christmas:I jacked off, like, six people and have no regrets

*Day 'The Candyman' in Equestria*

>Be Slasher Science

>Wake up

>Standard morning routine; shit, shower, shave, go downstairs

>You reach for the knob on the cupboard when an alien presence floods your mind

>[INDEX]MOTHER WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU[/SCENE]

>An image of a corrupt and demented Twilight Sparkle coalesces in your mind

>Her eyes are wide and unfocused, the irises tight fuschia pinpricks against the deep black sea of sclera

>Her mouth is drawn up in a sadistic rictus, revealing rows of startlingly white teeth stained in black and red rivulets from the ichor flowing freely from her eyes and nose

>Her mane-

You can stop now, it's not scaring me

>[INDEX]Huh?  Oh, you're no fun[/SCENE]

>You pause

Where, exactly, is that in the Index?

>......

>[INDEX]Fuck you, that's where[/SCENE]

>This internal dialogue is interrupted by a knock on your door

>You snap out of thought, and answer the door

>You're greeted by Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle, with a boombox at their feet

>Sweetie Belle has grown up quite a bit, and is now the pony equivalent of a teenager

>She's still adorable, but now that she's grown up she's lost some of that... innocence... that you found so appealing

>It doesn't matter much, though; You'd never say no to that marshmalllow ass

>Fluttershy hits the play button, and Sweetie starts to sing while Fluttershy begins dancing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiy9YB1coMw

>Sweetie has really developed her talents at singing, and you are honestly impressed at how well she's doing

>Fluttershy, on the other hand...

>Refusing to break eye contact with you, and being so nervous, she keeps stumbling and always seems to be about half a step behind

>You watch the entire performance, subconconciously conflicted as to if you should be enjoying such a sharp juxtaposition between the beautiful singing and the terrible dancing

>The song ends with Sweetie Belle beaming and Fluttershy posing in an awkwardly sexual position

>'Are-*pant*- Are interpretive dances used as romantic gestures your fetish, Slasher?'

>.....

>Fuck everything, this is happening

....Kind of.

>You start walking toward her, and she gets an excited look on her face

>That look turns to surprise as you shove your way past her, over to Sweetie Belle, and pick up the unicorn with a *squeak*

>You then walk back into the house, slamming the door in Fluttershy's face

>You march the two of you up to your bedroom, throwing Sweetie on the bed

>*pomf* 'What are we going to do on the bed, Slasher?'

>You smile and lick your cracked, dry lips as you lock the door behind you

Shhhh... you be quiet now....

>You shake with anticipation as you make your way over to the bed

>Sweetie, sensing what's about to happen, bites her lower lip lightly; out of nervousness or anticipation, you're not sure

You just keep so quiet and so still...

>Suddenly, a brilliant purple flash erupts next to you

>'I DON'T THINK SO!'

>Twilight is standing at the center of the explosion, a look of murder in her eyes

>Sweetie jumps, and stands on the bed

>'Twilight, it's not-'

>Is all she gets out before she's engulfed in purple flames

>Sweetie begins shrieking as [spoiler]her skin blackens and begins to crack from the intense heat[/spoiler]

>[spoiler]The whitish subdermal fat oozes and drips from the cracks and sizzles as it touches the flames[/spoiler]

>Her mane and tail [spoiler]burn away almost instantly, causing a large cloud of acrid black smoke to billow off of her, filling the room[/spoiler]

>Her voice [spoiler]begins to crack and go raw due to the intensity of her screaming and the superheated air she's inhaling[/spoiler]

>Twilight, her horn glowing with purple energy, grins sadisticly as the heat causes [spoiler]Sweetie's eyes to turn red, the fluid inside boiling[/spoiler]

>You hear [spoiler]two sickening *POP-tshhhhh* as Sweetie's eyes finally burst from the pressure, the fluid boiling down her charred cheeks and evaporating[/spoiler]

Twilight, STOP THIS!

>She looks at you with a mixture of dementia and adoration

>'I agree, I think she's had enough'

>The glow fades, and the flames recede, leaving a charred, smoking husk on your strangely unsinged bed

>You drop to your knees in shock and bury your face in your hands

Twi... You killed her...

>Twilight looks at you, puzzled

>'No I didn't'

>Your eyes shoot open, and you look at the pile of charred flesh and ash

>It's moving weakly

OH GOD THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

>'How?', Twilight asks as she grabs a patch of ashen skin and violently tears it off

>You gasp in horror, and then your eyes go wide

>A pristine, white hoof is poking out of the ash

>Well, kind of pristine;  it looks kind of gooey

>Like if you were to pull the burnt part off a marshmallow

>You and TWilight peel the strangely light layers off, to reveal:

>Sweetie Belle, as a filly

>She looks at herself

>'What did you DO to me?!?'

>Her voice cracks at the word 'do', and you're suddenly sporting half a chub

>Twilight looks at you:

>'I got you a present, honey.  I know how you love fillies.'

>Boner growing

>'You know how Mother loves to see you happy.'

>You smile, and hug her

Oh Twilight, you're the best mom ever!

>She hugs you back, and says

>'I know.  Now, you go and have your fun.  If anything 'happens'...'

>She actually does the air quotes

>'...give me a call, and I can reset her.  If I'm right, she'll reset back to this version of herself.'

>She backs away, and smiles

>'Have fun, you two.'

>And she teleports away

>You turn to Sweetie Belle

>She looks terrified

>You grin like a madman

>Today's going to be a good day

 

 

*Day Rape Games in Equestria*

>You are picklehead42

>And dear God, you are sick of pickle jokes

>Every fucking day

>I mean, you know your name is picklehead and all, but seriously...

>You can't really blame the p0nies in this town, though;  Names seem much more indicative of someone's occupation or interests here

>The one called Applejack has an unhealthy obsession with apples

>It kind of makes sense that you would be likewise obsessed with pickles

>You walk down the stairs, into your pickle-themed kitchen

>Open your pickle shaped refrigerator

>Pull out a jar of pickles

>Sit down at your pickle shaped table

>And pull a pickle from the jar

>You stare at it for a second, grimace, and begin munching on it

>You kind of hate your kitchen, but seeing as everything in it was gifted to you, you don't want to throw anything away

>Besides, it was all free

>Including all the pickles you could ever eat

>You mentally shrug

>It could be worse

>Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock at your door

>You get up and answer it, and you're greeted by Fluttershy

>Standing on her back hooves

>In a giant pickle suit

>Holding maracas

>'Uhm, are...'

>You glare at her

>She starts stuttering

>'A-a-are p-p-pickles......'

No

>You slowly close the door in her face

>Fucking pickles

 

 

*Day Magicae Opera in Equestria*

>You are Disc Ward

>And you awake to the feeling of hot breath on the back of your neck

>You jump away from the sensation, falling out of bed

>Peeking up from the side of the mattress, you see Raritan in his boxers, laying on his side with a shit-eating grin on his face

WHAT THE FUCK, RARITAN?!?

>'What?  It was cold in my room and you were warm!'

That doesn't mean you can spoon me whenever you feel like it!

And besides, I told you that if you HAD to sleep in my bed we'd sleep head-to-feet!

>Raritan puts on a fake pout, obviously enjoying your discomfort

>'What's the point of that?  Our naughty bits still meet in the middle.'

Yeah, but head-to-foot there's no way for them to lock in....

>You meekly fist-bump yourself a few times

>Raritan laughs

>'Whatever you need to tell yourself, man.'

>'Anyways, I've got to start getting ready to meet Rarity, would you be a dear and go get the mail?'

>You fume

....okay.

>Raritan hits the shower, and you get dressed for the walk to the post office

>As you walk, you're stopped by Rainbow Dash, who congratulates you on finally getting together with Raritan

>As calmly as you can, you explain that you are, in fact, not gay, and furthermore are not gay for Raritan

>You continue to walk to the post office, and are subsequently met by various other ponies, who also congratulate your new relationship

>You struggle to control your frustration, and explain to each of them that you are, in fact, not gay

>You finally reach your breaking point when Pinkie Pie bounds up to you

>She starts going on and on about how great it is that you found somebody and that she was going to throw you two a party

>She begins to talk about wedding cakes and who would wear the tuxedo and who would wear the dress when you interrupt her

PINKIE!

>Surprisingly enough, she stops talking

ACTUALLY, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!

I AM NOT, NOR WILL I EVER BE, IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH RARITAN!

HE'S JUST STAYING ON MY COUCH WHILE HE FINDS A PLACE OF HIS OWN!

>With that, Raritan out of fucking nowhere, sneaks up behind you and grabs your ass

>'Oh, honey, I know you love me.  You don't have to be so tsundere.'

>He pecks you on the cheek and saunters away with a grin on his face

>All the ponies in the area 'd'awwwwww' in unison

>You flush deep crimson, in a combination of embarrassment and rage

>You are SO MAD

>And then you hear, from the crowd of ponies, a meek

>'Disc WardxRaritan OTP'

>Your head swivels around to locate the offender, and you see Fluttershy wearing a t-shirt with crudely drawn pictures of you and Raritan surrounded by a heart

>That's it

>You're done

>You bellow in rage so hard you go Super-Saiyan and fly off to the Everfree forest to beat the shit out of some trees

>Fucking Fluttershy

>Fucking Raritan

>FUCKING EVERYTHING

 

 

*Day A Helping Hand in Equestria*

>You are Raritan

>And dear God you love tormenting Disc Ward

>After grabbing his ass and kissing him, you kept walking toward Rarity's shop

>You heard an explosion come from behind you, and chuckle

>That was probably Disc going supernova and raging off to the forest like he tends to do

>You're not concerned, though;  You have a lot on your plate today

>Today's the day you're going to ask Rarity out

>With a skip in your step, you bound up to Rarity's house and knock on the door

>She doesn't answer the door, but you hear from inside 'Come IIIIIiiiiiin!'

>Your heart melts a little as you let yourself in

>You find her in her inspiration room, comparing swatches of fabric

>She's so perfect

>She looks up at you and smiles

>'Good morning, Raritan!  What brings you by this early in the day?'

Well, uhm, I... I was wondering....

>Christ, you're awkward

>You manage to finally blurt out:

D-do you want to go out with me sometime?

>Well, it's out there now

>Rarity looks shocked, then starts smiling

>Smiling's a good sign...

>She walks up to you, and looks you deep in the eyes

>'Oh, darling....'

>'No....'

>You feel the bottom drop out of your stomach

>ABORTMISSION

OH!  Oh... okay, nevermind, Ill just show myself out...

>You turn around quickly to leave, but a hoof tugging your shirt stops you

>You turn your head, and Rarity pulls you down so she's eye level with you

>'Darling, please understand this has nothing to do with you'

>'It's just... my position as Element of Generosity puts me in some... awkward... situations.'

>'I have to be Generous with everything...'

>Huh?

Rarity, I don't understand...

>She sighs

>'I have to be generous with everything, including generously spreading my marshmallow flank all over Ponyville for any stallion that asks.'

>'The fact is, I'm a massive whore and it wouldn't be fair to you to be tied down to me.'

>Well, that came as a shock

>wait

>WAIT

>Did she just say she would have sex with anyone for any reason?

Rarity

>She looks at you, and you grin

Bend over

>She looks surprised, then throws on a sultry look and presents you with her glorious Jet-Puft ass

>Most of the rest of the day consists of you and Rarity fucking like rabbits on the floor of her shop

>When you're done the room reeks of sweat and marshmallows

>'Raritan, that was-'

>You stop her by holding up a hand

I know

>'Can you-'

I'll be back tomorrow, about the same time

>'I'd like that'

>You get dressed and leave, and practically skip home

>Not only do you get to have sex with Rarity whenever you want, you also don't have to deal with all her bitching

>Sorry, whining

>SORRY, complaining

>Because, fuck it, she's not your girlfriend

>She's just the town [spoiler]whorse[/spoiler]

>You didn't expect today to go this way, but it was awesome nonetheless

>You head home, eagerly anticipating tomorrow, where you'll be

>Fucking the shit out of Generosity

 

 

*Day With A Little Help in Equestria*

>You are Anonymous

>Kind of

>You don't reveal your name, but everyone knows you

>You're known for suddenly appearing, taking everyone in the area on your patented Emotional Rollercoaster, and then disappearing like smoke

>Everyone loves you, and wishes to know your name, but you eschew the relative fame in favor of letting your work speak for itself

>You're so revered around these parts some call you a God

>Most everyone else refers to you as the closest thing you've given them to a name

>DriverBang, or Driver for short

>And you will continue to monitor Ponyville, silently, as the various comedies and dramas unfold

>When you do speak, everyone stops and listens

>When you finish, everyone applauds

>And that's good enough for you

>You stand tall on your rooftop perch, cape fluttering in the breeze

>There are feels that need to be distributed

>And where feels are needed, you'll be there

>You smile

Time to get to work

 

 

*Day Hemophilia in Equestria*

>You are FracturedFlow

>Your day begins with a smile as you smile and make your way down to your basement

[spoiler]THE REST IS COMPLETELY CENSORED DUE TO OVERWHELMING REQUEST[/spoiler]

 

 

 

 

 

*Day In Loco Parentis in Equestria*

>You are Jibber

>And ever since you adopted Scootaloo, you've been hearing this weird sound wherever you go

>Usually when one of you does or says something emotional

>You've gone to everyone you know for help, and no one knows what's going on

>Well, everyone except Pinkie Pie

>You and Scoots are on your way to Sugarcube Corner to ask her advice

>As you walk, Scootaloo looks up at you

>'Dad, I'm scared'

Why's that, squirt?

>'This noise only happened after you adopted me....'

>'I'm afraid that the only way to make it go away is for you to leave....'

>'And I'm so happy now....  I don't want to lose you, Dad....'

>You bend over and hug her, and she clings to you, tears staining your shirt

It's okay, Scoots.  I'm not going anywhere.

>*HHNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG*

>Jesus, there it is again

>You both jump, and Scootaloo buries her face in your shirt, crying harder

*HHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*

>The sooner this nightmare is over, the better

>You grab Scootaloo and race toward Sugarcube Corner.

>You burst through the restaurant's door to find Pinkie behind the counter

Pinkie, we need help

>She looks kind of surprised, but then gets really excited.

>'HOORAY!  I LOVE helping! What seems to be the problem?'

>She starts bounding around, but then calms down when she sees you both are really troubled

There's this weird noise following Scoots and I

>Her eyebrow raises

>'What kind of noise?'

Uh....

>idea

Hey Scoots, want to make pizza tonight?

>Her problems forgotten, she jumps up excitedly

>Her wings buzz and her eyes sparkle as she hops around you, giddy

>*hnggggg*

That's it

>Pinkie's eyes brighten

>'Oh, THAT?   I know what that is!'

>'You've got a weak fourth wall!'

A what?

>'I'll show you!'

>She disappears, then reappears behind the counter holding a kitchen knife

>She hurls the knife toward the center of the room, and surprisingly enough it seems to stick in something mid-air

>She jumps toward the knife, grabbing it cutting downward, apparantly tearing the fabric of reality as she does so

>Confused, you and Scoots cautiously peek around, though this strange wormhole

>There are hundreds of men? in suits with green, blank faces huddled around the portal

>Scootaloo asks 'What are they, Dad?'

>A few of them grab their hearts and make a 'hnnnggggg' sound

>Pinkie interjects

>'That's the Anonymous.  Most ponies don't know this, but the events of their lives are constantly monitored by the Anonymous.'

>'It usually doesn't react very strongly to things, but the Anonymous in this area seems to have a peculiar weakness to feels.'

So, what can we do to make them stop?

>Pinkie thinks for a second, and says:

>'Well, I suppose you could get them to over-feel....'

>'After a few get feel-poisoning, the rest should get the message'

>She seems to know what she's talking about

>And it's the only shot you have

>Might as well.....

Scootaloo

>You say, and she looks at you with all the love a child can have for a parent

Get the fuck out of my sight

>Aaaaand it's gone, replaced by shock and disbelief

*hhnnnggg*

I'm tired of taking care of you, it's time for you to leave

>She begins to tear up, not fully understanding what just happened

>'B-but Dad!  You fought so hard to adopt me!'

*hhhhhhnnnnnnnnnggggggg*

Yeah, well, I didn't think you'd be so goddamn needy

Also, shouldn't you be able to fly by now?

>Her wings flatten to her sides

>'I... I'm still growing....  I'll be able to fly soon...'

*HHHNNNGGGG*

Rainbow Dash only said she'd be your big sister to make you feel better

She told me she thinks you're annoying

>Scootaloo is shaking like a leaf now, tears streaming down her face

>'N-n-n-n-no....'

*HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG*

>FINISH HER!

If you were worth anything at all, you'd have your cutie mark by now.  

>That did it

>Scoots is sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, her face buried in her arms

>The rift, however, is strangely silent

>You peek through

Hey Scoots

>She's still sobbing

Scootaloo?

>You reach down and tussle her mane, and she hits your hand away

Yeah, I deserve that, but you need to see this

>She jerks her head from side to side and continues crying

>Fine, then

>You pick her up and point her in the direction of the portal

>Through her tears, she sees several dozen Anonymous sprawled out on the floor, clutching their chests, while the rest back away from the portal

You did it, Scoots

>She hiccups, and leers at you

>'Did what?'

Saved us from the Anonymous

They felt so bad for you, they're never going to bother us again

>You pull her up in to a hug

>Probably shouldn't tell her that she unintentionally murdered several dozen interdimensional beings

>It tends to scar a kid

>'So that means you didn't mean all those things?'

Not a word, kiddo

I love you, Scootaloo

Nothing's going to change that

>She clings to you, her tiny body trembling

>'I love you too, Dad'

>You both pause

>But hear nothing

>And you both sigh in relief

>Your nightmare is over

 

 

 

*Day I hope I didn't piss too many people off in Equestria*

>You are [spoiler]Scrabhunter[/spoiler]

>Your day begins as it normally does, shit, shower, trim up your goatee

>Got to maintain that autismal image, you know

>You wrap yourself in your kilt and go downstairs to grab some food before you start your day

>You promised FracturedFlow you'd write out a detailed how-to on disassembling a person

>He seemed really eager to have this information for some reason

>Oh well, it's just harmless curiosity

>It's not like he's actually going to cut someone up, right?

>Right?

>You ponder this, and open up the fridge

>It's full to bursting with Scrab Cakes

>Ah, the benefits of being the most acclaimed Scrab hunter in Equestria

>And, it could be worse, it could be pickles

>You kind of feel sorry for picklehead

>All that vinegar, he must be shitting constantly

>You pop breakfast in the microwave and step outside to get the morning paper, noticing Raritan stutterstepping his way toward the drug store

Yo Raritan.... Y'all right?

>He scowls and continues walking

>You'd normally stop at that, but he's fun to piss off

>As he walks away, you shout at him:

BRO, I WARNED YOU ABOUT BAREBACK WITH RARITY.

>'PISS OFF, SCRAB!'

>You chuckle, and head back inside

>Raritan's a nice guy, but he can't say no to that marshmallow ass

>Speaking of....

>Your neighbor's door explodes outward and Sweetie Bell runs out

>'That's an exit only, Slasher!'

>'NOT TODAY IT ISN'T'

>She keeps running, and Slasher runs after her, a Freaky grin on his face

>You had no idea this lunatic lived so close to you until a few days ago

>Apparantly, all the weirdos live around Seaddle

>You shake your head violently, attempting to clear it

>ANYWAYS....

>You grab some paper and a pen and put together a list

>Next on your to-do list is to get together with Jibber and Driver and discuss why the hell you guys are doing so poorly in the Best Human Contest

>Then to Disc's house to apologize for making it sound like he had an anger problem

>Then to Clever Dicks, Alex's and Cogs, to explain that you wanted to make fun of them too but you couldn't come up with any good ideas

>After that, Wuten invited you over for dinner;  three guesses as to what he was making

>The rest of your day was going to consist of singing 'Con te Partiro' at random intervals and watching p0nies run off crying

>You finish the list, and the microwave dings

>Cakes are done

>You're halfway through the first one when you're interrupted by a knock at the door

>Confused, you answer the door and are greeted by Fluttershy

>She doesn't look too good today

>'C..can I come in?'

>You stand aside, letting her inside

>You've been helping her out with coping with Anon's disappearance

>It's been about six months, and she's been taking it pretty hard

>Tea usually helps, though

>You put the kettle on, and sit down next to her

>She puts her arms around you and starts to quietly sob into your chest

>'I... I miss him so much, Scrab....'

I know you do, Hon

I'm sure he misses you too

>You glance at your watch to check the date and time;  by your count Anon began free-fall three hours ago

Probably more than you think

>She continues to cry

>You hold her until the kettle begins to shriek, and you pause to pour the tea

>You hand her the cup, and she stares gloomily into it

>'...Scrab?'

Yeah?

>'Is it okay if we could hang out today?'

>'I really don't want to be alone right now.....'

>You reach over and put a hand on her hoof

>You smile

Of course we can

>You pull her in for a hug, and she cuddles up next to you, thankful for the sympathy

>Behind her back, you stealth your to-do list off the table, and discreetly crumple it up

>These things can wait