Elsa Comes Out: Not That Girl

        How long had she been in here? After the first few days it just seemed to blur together. She slept and awoke at all manner of hours, she wasn’t even sure what day it was and in truth she didn’t really care. She was back in her room, just like years before. It was… strange. At first it was scary, then comforting, worrying, happy and sad. A feeling of being home and completely out of sorts all at the same time.  She’d felt too much, all her memories had hurt then when the door had closed behind him.

        Elsa did miss the snow though. At first, when Kristoff left and she’d cried, her room was filled with frost. Spiky ridges and elegant ranges had surrounded her stretched out from the warring mind that had made them. Eventually they all went away, melting to nothing as time went on.  She couldn’t seem to do it anymore, that little tingling feeling was gone. She looked at her hands trying to grasp at what used to bring forth that bracing cold

        Nothing came.

She could open the window and let it in but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t float in the air anymore, it didn’t twirl or dance. It just sat there or fell. It wasn’t the same. She laughed. It would certainly have made things easier, wouldn’t it? Not having to worry about the curse. It should have happened sooner, she could have had a normal little life. Winter days spent outside with Anna, maybe momma and papa. Snowmen and forts. None of this being a monster or a witch or anything like that. If she was normal things would be better. But her power was also the only thing she really knew about herself.

        Elsa sighed; at least the open window helped with the silence, the books didn’t anymore. She glanced at the door. Kristoff had banged on the door, talking to her, saying such sweet things. That he did love her, she was important. Elsa couldn’t stand hearing them; each entreatment begged her to open the door and stabbed at her heart and her head. Even so, she couldn’t bare to send him away, as much as the words hurt her she knew that not having them would hurt so much more. So she’d simply sat against the door and listened.

He’d stopped days ago.

        She should have let him in. Elsa held her arms and shivered. It used to be that just thinking of the man holding her in his arms could set her heart a flutter. It was like the books a hug from Anna, or the old reassuring smile of her father when she didn’t have to use the gloves.

        Soon those feelings had drained away. Now it was just... She was disconnected from everything and all that did was make her feel stranger. Worse. Something was wrong and she didn’t fit.

        Elsa looked over at the books piled onto her deck and table. They didn’t send her mind along the heights they normally did either. It was like there was something missing within them now. She found it harder and harder to see the shapes in her mind, how the equations fit together to make things that could span the world in the smallest of spaces.

        Maybe if she ran more, like Anna. She wouldn’t feel so damn heavy. She could try and be happier, that would help. Anna was always smiling or laughing, that must have been it. There was something, she knew. One little thing she could do to win him over. She just needed to find it. The little missing piece.

Elsa felt her stomach lurch; she’d been feeling sick for the past few days as well, feeling like she was going to vomit nearly every morning. Kai would probably be telling people she was ill. At least it wouldn’t be a total lie.

        She could change her hair. She’d read something about that hadn’t she? Berry juice, or, or crushed flowers in water? They could change your hair color if you soaked it in it. She could start putting her hair in two braids. The queen pulled herself to the vanity and to the mirror there. Her hair was a mess, locks stuck together, one side of her head had her hair flattened against her head the other side had her hair stuck out at strange angles. She looked like a wild woman, she felt like she hadn’t washed in days, were those bags under her eyes?

        She didn’t know who stared back, not really. Oh yes, she knew it was her, but she didn’t know who that was. She wasn’t that perfect girl that ran from her coronation, she knew that much. And what of the girl that came down from the North Mountain? Was she there in the mirror? She didn’t look familiar anymore. Elsa pushed away from the vanity sending small jars and containers clattering against each other and the wooden frame.

        She wasn’t Anna. That thought shined in the haze of confusion. And she, she shouldn’t try to be. But there was something she could do to make him stay, surely? Some small little thing. Elsa clutched at her stomach. She felt sick again. She didn’t even remember eating. The only thing she’d ever had brought to her room was the small bowl of fruit. Something like grapes shouldn’t upset her like this. It felt hot in her chest, all knotted and burning. It- it wasn’t just Kristoff it was… what. Everything? Nothing. She didn’t know. She wanted to do something, do anything to try and take her mind of whatever this was. The things she’d enjoyed felt flat and the only thing that had made them feel better she’d shut out. Again. Conceal, don’t feel. It was all just dark, even in the light.

        She tried to grasp at the ideas in her head but she just could seem to hold onto them. It was all spinning and twisting up inside. She couldn’t understand it.

        A knock came at the door, thundering through the room and her head.

        “Elsa? Please, I know you’re in there…”

It was terrifyingly sweet, a voice full of yearning for contact, hope, love and all the things that she’d heard for a dozen years. It broke her heart to hear it.