Elsa Comes Out: I Just Want to be Alone (Together)

        On the fourth day of their journey they got their first sighting of ice. Hours after that the ice pack was in view, choking the see in a way that Anna hadn’t thought was possible. The next day the ship was battered with snow, it was thick and heavy dousing everything in white. They’d still be stuck there now if an Ice Breaker’s ship hadn’t happened upon them. The ice pack had been growing, it seemed, and Arendelle’s Ice Master had put any harvesters he could find to helping to break the ice apart and free the cities frozen harbor.

        The men’s smaller ship was able to snakes its way through the broken ice and they graciously allowed the princess aboard. Anna had said her goodbyes to Oliver and the crew, with a promise to send more men to bring them home.

        Anna hadn’t seen Arendelle so covered in snow. Here, back in the city, the storm had abated, but it was powerfully cold and the wind was biting.  The ice breakers had to leave the ship, walking out over the ice and chopping hack and sawing their way through it, pulling the boat along the cracks, its metal sheathed prow nudging the white floor of the ocean out of its way. It had been slow going but with the work of the men progress was made, eventually more open water was found and the ship was finally able to reach the harbor.

        Kristoff was at the harbor already; talking to people, there were maps pulled out with little drawings all over them, blue lines and red lines crisscrossed over blank areas. Kristoff sent a man off down the pier, Anna hadn’t heard what he’d yelled to him, but Kristoff looked stressed, running his hand through his hair, brows creased in worry. It all turned to shock when he finally noticed her.

        Anna imagined they’d spy each other across the pier like this. Kristoff would call her name and they’d run to each other and into a hug, Kristoff spinning her around like when they’d first kissed. He’d realize what he was doing and put her down in a flustered storm of apologies. Instead he said nothing and ran to her, and pulled her into a kiss.

        She liked that just fine too.

        “I guess you missed me” Anna said, laughter on her lips as she was finally able to breathe.

Kristoff smiled, for some reason it struck Anna that he must not have for some time, “You have no idea,”

        Anna looked around at the commotion around them, no one noticed the Ice Master with the princess, work needed to be done. The harbor only had a few rather small chunks of ice, but it was in a noose of ice, already Anna could see the men that had brought her here were already getting ready to head back out again.

        “The blizzard hit pretty hard huh? We had to sail through a couple of storms…”

        “It did, but this isn’t a blizzard, Anna,” the mountain man said, grim certainty coloring his voice, “It’s your sister. I uh. I have to tell you something.”

        The confession was… well a part of her was always expecting it. Kristoff had told her he would always tell her the truth but she’d expected to have to try and worm the answers out of him, she didn’t expect him to just tell her the moment they were in the castle.

        It was strange hearing him saw all the things he had. Yes she’d said it was okay at first but she’d thought that would be it. Elsa never seemed like the kind of person who would really latch on to anyone like that. Kristoff told her about the night when she’d left, about trying to comfort Elsa as she’d practically bawled her eyes out and to where it led. Her heart felt tight and she could feel the pressure in her eyes of tears trying to well up. Kristoff told her about keeping away, about the Winter Feast and things after that. It hurt, it hurt for reasons and in places she couldn’t really say. She’d kind of brought this on herself, hadn’t she? But still…

“Anna I’m. I- I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry, Anna.” He was practically pleading, “I’m so sorry.”

        “Is… is that why the weather is like this?” she asked, she sounded so small, “Because I was coming back? I was going to ruin everything for her? Again?”

        “Actually… she… well. Asked me to…” he trailed off, like he hoped he wouldn’t have to bring it up, “she wanted me to run away with her…”

        “And you…”

        Kristoff simply shrugged, and it was answer enough and for a moment Anna’s heart soared. She launched herself back into Arendelle’s Ice Master, wrapping her arms around him and nuzzling her face into the bulky coat he wore. He chose her. She could feel the tears again. Kristoff. Her Kristoff. She should never had worried about Elsa taking him. He wouldn’t…

        Wait.

        She pushed Kristoff away and looked up at him, “What did you say?”

        “I-I said I didn’t know.”

        “What did you do?”

        “I…I just left,”

Anna could feel it like an icy hand around her heart and around her stomach. Elsa locking herself out of her life had felt like it was killing her before, if Kristoff had done it too? If she hadn’t had anyone to help her?

        She was surprised at herself, looking up at Kristoff as he reeled back. His cheek was already turning red, and not from the cold. Anna’s hand stung and she pulled him back into another hug.

        “That was for Elsa… and so’s this…”

        “Anna-“

        “Come on.”

 

        Elsa opened the door, and there shining like the sun was Anna, glowing with sadness and sweetness.

        “Hi,” Anna said.

        “Hi,” was all Elsa could muster. Kristoff was behind Anna and Elsa’s eyes darted from her sister to the man and back. Anna had to of noticed, she took a step to the side, doing her best to block the queen’s view of the man.

        “Can I come in?”

Elsa stepped aside as Anna came in, she didn’t see Anna motioning for Kristoff to stay outside, nor did she see her sister close the door as she came in. Elsa stood in the center of the room; she could hear Anna walking around the room. All things considered she’d seen the room in more disrepair, but Elsa still felt a blanket of shame at having her sister there, “Did you, uhm. Have a nice trip?” 

        “Oh? Oh! It was fine,” Anna said, “Weather wasn’t too good on the ride home though.” Anna had walked over to the bed, sitting down on the sheets. They were nearly uncomfortably cold. She patted the bed next to her and kicked her legs.

        Elsa swallowed hard. Anna already knew, she had to. So why wasn’t she yelling? She fidgeted with her hands and eventually, slowly, sat down. This close Elsa could see wet streaks on Anna’s cheeks, sparkling in the light of the room. She looked away and to the floor.

        “Anna-“

        “I think Auntie might be an evil genius,” she said abruptly. The silence that followed sucked at the both as they stared at each other until they both burst out into laughter.

        “W-where did that come from?”

        “It was just. Just something I thought of,” Elsa leaned against her sister and was reassured when Anna pushed herself back against her, they made a little triangle on the edge of the bed. Elsa felt a little bit of weight lift off her as she leaned onto her sister. Anna here brought back a little bit of warmth for her; the depressive grey feeling was pushed back a little. They lapsed back into silence, simply sitting with each other, trying to find the right words to say.

“I thought we weren’t going to be locking anymore doors,” the words came softly from Anna’s lips, but they sat accusingly in Elsa’s ears. Elsa kept her gaze away from her sister’s. The isolation she’d sought and feared and begged for stretched out around her as Elsa sat there with her sister. The longer she was there the stronger she felt and the more scared she was about what was to come. Anna would want to know her side of things. Want to know why.

        “I… I just wanted to be alone.”

Anna’s hand snaked its way over hers and she clutched it, “Do want me to leave?”

        Elsa felt like her heart was going to break out of her chest. She wanted Anna to leave. She didn’t want her to come back, but she didn’t want her to leave.

        “Maybe you could…be alone with me?” she glanced over at Anna and caught a little smile.

        “Okay.”

Elsa smiled back and squeezed Anna’s hand, the strawberry blond squeezed back.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” Elsa said after several minutes passed, “I know you said it was alright but, still I-I shouldn’t have-“

        “Do you really love him, Elsa?”

Before Anna had squealed at the thought, she didn’t say anything now, “I can see why you love him, Anna. He… it was like he could understand things. Why I didn’t… why I couldn’t….” Elsa sighed. How do you tell your sister that you wanted to take her suitor? Elsa had always tried to push that thought out but she couldn’t now, not with Anna here. She felt stupid, letting something like a man get into her mind like this. She was a queen wasn’t she? “I didn’t feel like I could go on and then things just…”

        Anna scooted closer, “This isn’t really about Kristoff is it?”

And at that it seemed a flood broke in Elsa. She choked and coughed and for the first time in days tears ran down her cheeks. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time and as she sucked for air she even thought that she might have been dying. Her heart and head were pounding as words tumbled out.

        “I-I don’t know. He made me… I felt like myself.” She said between gasps, “I don’t know I don’t know. I just wanted. I wanted me. I don’t know…” She held onto her sister thankful when Anna arms wrapped around her, slowly she started to breathe more normally, but she could still feel the wetness on her cheeks, “Kristoff never expected anything from me. I was… I’m just a person to him. I could be anyone. I could be me. I don’t think I could without him…” Elsa took a few deep breaths, “Why don’t you hate me, Anna?”

        “What?”

        “You should hate me. You- you’re there and you try to help. I almost got you killed twice and you saved me and this is how I thank you? You should hate me.” Elsa wasn’t crying anymore, it was a strange flat truthful voice, she believed every word of this, “I should step down. The people like you more anyway. You’re fun and happy, and smile and and you should hate me for how terrible a sister I am.”

        “Elsa-“

        “I tried to take him away from you, Anna! Who does that?” Elsa clutched at what was left of her braid, “I should leave and you should hate me. I couldn’t hurt you anymore if you did. You could be who you should have been. You and Kristoff would be happy. You two deserve more than you think. You deserve everything.

        “Elsa please.”

        “Just let me go, Anna… I was never worth it.”

        Anna hugged her, trying to pull Elsa up. Anna had never expected this. She was supposed to be angry, she should be shouting at Anna, trying to take Kristoff from her like she had. Sleeping with him. Getting him to say… But what do you say to this? What can anyone say? Somehow even before seeing Elsa like this, Anna wasn’t as angry as she was sure she should be. It was Elsa, it was Kristoff. She loved them.

        “You’re worth it to me, Elsa,” Anna said, little tears in her eyes, “I don’t know about the rest of it but I know you’re worth it.” She squeezed her sister, she didn’t want to let go. Never let go. “And maybe I can help… You’re the most important person in the world to me, Elsa. You’re my sister. I could never hate you. We could fight, and you can be annoying and yell but I’ll always love you. No matter what. I just want you to be happy.”

        And it was true. More than anything Anna wanted Elsa to smile, to laugh. She wanted to see her sister to never have a reason to cry. It broke her heart seeing her like this, hearing what had happened. More than what had happened while she was gone it was seeing what became of it when she came back that hurt the most. The little family she’d always wanted, and had for almost a year was breaking apart. If that happened Anna could at least try to make her sister happy.

        “And if that means letting Kristoff go then… I want you to be happy, Elsa,” Elsa looked back up into Anna’s eyes, the queen was trembling, “Do you love him?”

        “Anna…” Elsa said three little words.