Applejack can't sneeze

        Sniff... snuffle. Applejack stood, with her head tilted back, her eyes catching the sun out of the corner of her vision.

        "Hehh...." she breathed in, and her eyes squeezed shut, as she leaned her face further upwards, allowing the light to pierce her closed eyelids. She exhaled, face position and expression returning to normal. "Whooo..."

        It had been like this all day. Applejack's nose tickled, and she wanted nothing more but to expel whatever was bothering her. When it first began bothering her, she had wasted about twenty minutes of daylight trying to coax out a sneeze. Then, defeated, she began about her work, trying to ignore the lingering itch inside of her nostrils. However, the tickle only grew stronger, until she finally decided it was time to let loose. Unfortunately for Applejack, her nose didn't agree. As she was approaching her sneeze, the tickle disappeared, and she couldn't push herself over the edge.

        Now, her work was finished, and despite many attempts to release the tickle's hold on her, it still lingered inside her nose, driving her mad. Applejack didn't have any allergies, and she rarely sneezed at all, even when she was sick. However, this feeling of constantly being on the edge of a sneeze was new to the orange earth pony. New, but not at all exciting. She headed back to the house.

        Inside, the table had been set, and Granny Smith was preparing dinner. Applejack's eyes centered on the bouquet of wildflowers that Applebloom had picked three or four days ago. Despite being set in a vase with water, they were rapidly wilting. Applejack walked up to the table and put her face up to the bouquet, with her irritating nose just inside them. She sniffled.

        Applejack smelled the sweet scent of the flowers, and could feel the tickle beginning to grow. She took a sharp sniff, and the tickle skyrocketed. Her eyelids fluttered shut, then settled at half-open. She sniffled again, and her tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek. She could feel the sneeze upon her, so she took one more big sniff for good measure. She tried to exhale and sniff again, but her breath caught. She tilted her head back.

        "Ehhh... Hehhhh... Hehhhhh..." Applejack knew that this was it. She had been close a few times throughout the day, but never like this.

        "Bless ya!" Her sister Applebloom exclaimed from behind her. Applejack jumped.

        "Tarnation, Applebloom! Don't do that! I was about to... about to... Ehhhhehhh..." Applejack trailed off as her urge to sneeze returned, less powerful than before. She felt it escaping her, so she took a deep sniff, filling her nose with the flowers' aroma. But it was no use. The sneeze was gone.

        "Ah don't see anythin' wrong with practicin' mah manners!" The small, yellow filly replied.

        "I've been tryin' to sneeze all day!" Applejack was still angry at the sneeze for escaping her grasp. "I was this close, then ya'll had to startle me an' ruin it!"

        Applebloom looked forlorn. Applejack put a hoof on her head. "Shucks, Applebloom, I know ya'll didn't mean any harm. Sorry for going offa the handle like that. Jus don't sneak up on me please."

        "Ah'm sorry too, Applejack."

        "The... hehhh.... hehhhehhh..." Applejack trailed off, her nostrils flaring as another sneeze build up. Her eyes squeezed tightly shut and her mouth hung open. She raised a hoof to her face, ready to catch the coming sneeze. "HEH... heh... Choooo..."

        Applejack mimicked the sound of a sneeze wistfully, as the real thing once again slipped away from her. She had forgotten what she was going to say. The Apple Family sat down and had a nice dinner. Applejack was almost able to forget about the niggling itch in her nose.

***

 

        The next day, Applejack had barely started on her work before the tickle returned with a fury. She sniffled and began her pre-sneeze routine of squinting her eyes and lifting her chin.

        "Hehhh..." She started, but there was no follow-up. Applejack groaned. "That does it! I'm goin' to see Twilight."

        Applejack arrived at the library some half hour later. If she had walked more briskly, she could have arrived faster, but she had taken her time. On the way, she had stopped every time that the tickle had flared up again. She really didn't like being a nuiscance, and what she was about to ask her friend help with was a bit embarrassing, so she had tried everything she could to sneeze, and avoid this visit. She even stopped by a perfume cart on the way, in town from Canterlot. Applejack didn't use perfume, but she had asked for free samples until the sales lady looked puzzled. It was no use. The perfume made her nose tickle immensely, but nothing came of it.

        As Twilight's house was also the town library, Applejack didn't bother knocking. Twilight looked up from a book she was reading, and her eyes lit up.

        "Applejack! It's so good to see you!" The unicorn exclaimed. She noticed the redness around Applejack's nose. "Are you feeling alright?"

        "Well, to tell ya'll the truth, that's why I'm stoppin' by." Applejack replied. "I've been tryina sneeze for a day and a half now, and my nose tickles and tickles, but I can't seem to do it."

        Twilight looked at her blankly. "Do ya'll have a spell which will let me sneeze?" Applejack asked.

        "Oh, I'm sure there's something." Twilight replied, getting down a spellbook called 'Aches and Ailments.' She leafed through the pages rapidly. "Well, there's a few spells for stopping sneezes, but I don't see anything about causing them..."

        "Yeah, my problem's a lil' bit unique." Applejack said. She started to go. "Thanks for trying anyway."

        "Wait!" Twilight stopped the earth pony. "I can't give up yet on helping a friend."

        "Really, it's fine..." Applejack started to protest. Then, she saw Twilight's eyes light up. The unicorn used her magic to pull a book of prank spells off of the shelf. She began flipping through it.

        "Here we go!" The purple pony exclaimed, "Hotho's Sneeze Prank. It's supposed to be cast with a reagent, some sort of allergen or sneezing powder. It makes your nose more sensitive to whatever you cast it with. I think if I cast it with no reagent, it will let you sneeze."

        "That's great!" Applejack replied. "You're the best."

        "May cause larger, more comical sneezes." Twilight continued reading.

        "I don't know what in the hay a comical sneeze is, but there's nothing comical about this itch." Applejack said. "And I could do for a large sneeze right about now."

        "Ok, here goes," Twilight said, and her horn lit up as she cast the prank spell. She looked at her friend. Applejack blinked. "Do you feel anything?"

        Applejack shook her head, and sniffled. Suddenly, she did feel something! A monstrous something!

        "Yehhh.. hehh.. I got... Hehh... imgonna... Hehhh.. Hehh!" Applejack managed, her head tilting back suddenly. She hoped Twilight would get the message. Her hitching breaths grew larger. "HEHH! HEHHH!"

        Applejack started to scoot backwards across the library, the force of her inhalations driving her back, away from her friend. Twilight looked puzzled. *THUD!* Applejack's tail end hit one of the bookcases, topping a few books off of it.

        "HEHHH! HEHHHH! Sahh.. SahhAAAHAAHH!" Applejack tried to apologize, but the sneeze was coming full force. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her tounge was glued to the inside of her cheek, as her lips hung open, quivering. Her nostrils flared to twice their size. With each hitching breath, Applejack's hips pressed against the bookcase behind her.

        "HEHHEHHEHHHH! AAAAAAAAAH!! GAAAAATttchhhOOOOOIEEeee" Applejack exploded, air rushing out of her mouth. With the force of the sneeze, her front knees buckled, causing her chest and face to press against the ground. She picked herself up off of the ground and blushed.

        "Wow!" Twilight exclaimed, "That was some sneeze! I guess the spell really worked."

        Applejack didn't answer. Her mouth hung open and her eyelashes fluttered shut, then open, then shut again. She raised one hoof and began fanning her face, as a second sneeze began to build.

        "Hehh... HEHHH.... HEHHH!" Applejack's flank bucked against the bookshelf, and a few more books fell to the ground. Twilight lifted all of the books with magic. Applejack sneezed suddenly. "HiiiiiYAAATSSCHHOOOOOOOooo!"

        Applejack's massive sneeze knocked the books out of Twilight's telekinesis. She blushed again.

        "Thanks Twilight." The orange pony rubbed at her nose. "I don't know what I would have done without... without... ehh... withehhhehh..."

        Applejack continued to rub at her nose, faster and faster. "Whew." She said, as her sneeze slipped away. "I think I'm done. Without you."

        Twilight beamed. "It was no big deal."

        "It was to me." Applejack smiled. She headed towards the door, and opened it. "I'd best be going. I've got... work... hehh... to.. HEH! HEHHH! to-attend-to! HEHH! HEHHH!"

        Applejack began to build up to yet another sneeze. Twilight saw Spike approaching, his hands full with a stack of boxed cakes, four high. Applejack turned to face him, eyes screwed shut.

        "Applejack, no!" Twilight exclaimed.

        "HEHHH! HEHHHH!" Applejack replied.

        Twilight rushed over to her, and pressed a hoof to her nose. Applejack showed no sign of stopping. "Spike, move out of the way!"

        Spike did as he was told, and Applejack's head seemed to follow him. It was like she wanted to topple the stack of cakes. "HEHHH! HEHHHHH!"

        Twilight cringed, and began to rub at her friend's nose furiously. "HEHHHH! HEHHH! Hehhh... Heh.." Applejack wound down.

        "WHEW!" the earth pony exclaimed, "That was a frightfully big one. Oh, Spike, I didn't see ya'll there." Applejack had a hoof raised to her face, massaging her nostrils. "What are all those caay... cehhh.. cakes fer?"

        Spike started to answer, but Applejack interrupted him with her pre-sneeze gasps, increasing in volume. "Hehhh... Hehhhh! HEHHH! HEHHEHHH!"

        "I cehhhehh... Cain't... Stoppit... EHHH!" Applejack hitched. Her hoof slipped away from her nose, and began to fan the air in front of her face.

        "Spike, get inside!" Twilight commanded. The baby dragon rushed to the staircase.

        "EHHHH!! EHHHHEHHHH!" Applejack's head swiveled, following the stack of cakes. She looked bewildered. "HEHHHEHHHEHHEHHH!!"

        Spike slammed the door, getting the cakes safely inside.

        "GAAAAtishhhHEEEEEEEEEW!" Applejack bellowed at the closed doors. As she recovered from her sneeze, she got a quizzical look on her face. "What's goin' on Twi? Just thinkin' about those cakes makes me need to... ehhehhh.. sneeze."

        "I think I know what the book meant by 'comical sneezes'," her purple friend responded.

***

 

        Twilight took Applejack aside, behind the library, where she was away from harm, and cast a forcefield spell around her just in case. After reassuring her earth pony friend, she went inside and began to read.

        Applejack quickly began to grow bored. I wonder what's keepin' Twilight so long, she thought. I got work to attend to.

        Her train of thought was interrupted by a blue blur that whizzed up to the edge of the force field. Rainbow Dash smiled at her friend and athletics rival.

        "What's going on, Applejack? Did Twilight do this to you?" Rainbow Dash asked, looking slightly concerned. Applejack suddenly had more pressing business than formulating a response.

        "AAAHHHTISHHEWWW!" She sneezed at her friend, who was hovering outside.

        Rainbow Dash moved out of the way, in mockery. "Whoa! I could almost feel that one from out here."

        "Quiet, you." Applejack retorted, and her head swiftly cocked so that she was once again facing the pegasus pony. Another sneeze exploded out of her, as suddenly as the first. "AAAAASSSSSHHHHiiiooooooo!"

        "Are you feeling ok, Applejack?" Rainbow Dash asked, as she lazily dodged the second sneeze. "Don't tell me you've gone soft on me."

        "Ehh... Hehh... Go away!" Applejack shouted. Rainbow Dash looked a little bit hurt. "HEHHH! Or at least... EHHH HEHHHH HEHHH! comedown! HEHHHH..."

        Rainbow Dash touched down, and Applejack breathed a sigh of relief. The blue pony looked confused. "What's this about?"

        "You flying around makes my nose tickle somethin' fierce." Applejack said.

        "Oh no!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "It's worse than I thought! You've developed an allergy to awesome!"

        Applejack sighed. Sometimes her friend didn't take anything seriously. Just then, Twilight Sparkle came around the side of the library, carrying a stack of spell books. Applejack's nose began to tickle. Her face must have revealed it, because she quickly released the books and laid them out in a neat pile.

         Twilight looked defeated. "There isn't a counterspell to anything in the prank book. Apparently it's supposed to just 'wear off'."

        "An' how long is that gonna take?" Applejack asked. "I can't stay inside this bubble all day, I got things to do!"

        "I don't know. If we're lucky, by the end of the day. If we're not..." Twilight left the end of the sentence hanging.

        "What if we're not?" Applejack exclaimed.

        "Weeks... months... the book doesn't say. I do have some good news, though."

        Rainbow Dash piped up. "Now when are you two going to explain what in the hay is going on?"

        "Sorry," Twilight replied. "Applejack, if you haven't already figured it out, comical mischief makes you sneeze."

        "Comical what now?" Rainbow Dash responded.

        "Comical mischief," Twilight explained. "Any time the spell can make something 'funny' happen, like knocking things over, it tries to make you sneeze and do it. It seems to be based on poison joke."

        "Well besides stacks of cakes, what else do I gotta look out for?" Applejack asked.

        "Once again, I'm not sure." Twilight said. "Besides noise and a gust of wind, I'm not sure what it can do with just a sneeze to work with. I wouldn't recommend doing anything that requires silence."

        Applejack looked bemused. "I don't do anythin' like that anyway. So when are you gonna let me outta here? Oh, and what's the good news?"

        "The good news is, while there's no counterspell, I've developed a countermeasure. I based it on a spell that helps allergy sufferers." Twilight explained. "I'm going to enchant your hoof so that when you press it to your nose, it will help relieve the tickle, so that you can control your sneezes better."

        "An' have two spells battling for control of my schnozz?" Applejack challenged. "Thanks, but no thanks. I can control my own self. Now let me out of here."

        Twilight removed the force field, and Applejack stepped out.

        "Heh... Hehhhh..." She began, looking around frantically for anything which might topple over. "Hehhhh!"

        "I think you're safe." Twilight said, warily.

        "Yehhh... You don't gotta... HEHHH! gotta... HEHHEHH! GOTTA! gotta tell me twice... HEHHEHHEHH EHHH EHHH!"

        Applejack let the sneeze overtake her. It was going to be a big one, she could tell. Her chest swelled in and out with her hitching breaths, causing her head and hips to buck a little bit with the motion of the sneeze. Her nose felt as though it was on fire, and she could feel the tickle sweeping throughout her body.

        "HEHHHH! HEHHHHHHHH! HEHHHHHHHH!" Applejack only vaguely heard the mailpony touch down. It was far too late to stop. Through the fogginess of the sneeze she could hear Twilight shout a warning, and she could feel her head moving of it's own accord, locking on to its target.

        "KerrrCHOOOOWWWW!" Applejack screamed the sneeze, knocking the mailpony off of her feet. She knew she wasn't done. The buildup was too big for it to be over. "HEHHHHHHHH! KERRRRTEEECHHOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!"

        Her second sneeze made her two friends lose their balance, and kept the mailpony on her belly. The mailbag went flying, spread open, letters spewing out into the wind.

        "So, about that hoof enchantment..." Applejack muttered.

***

 

        It was the second day since Applejack had visited Twilight, and the spell showed no sign of wearing off. Applejack was starting to get very irritated. When she was working the fields, everything was fine. But her family had to finally tell her not to attempt any of her other responsibilities.

        It wasn't fair. Applejack sulked at the thought of Granny Smith and Applebloom doing her work, when old Granny should be resting, and Applebloom should be studying. It wasn't her fault that every time she approached the chicken coop, stray feathers were drawn to her nose like a magnet. Nor was it her fault that she sneezed apart three bushels of hay. Without her hoof free to rub her nose, the hay scent combined with the spell's tickle was just too much.

        They wouldn't even let her sit at the dinner table, after a sneeze had come upon her with no warning, causing her to spew water all over the dishes. Applejack was angry, and rightfully so. She wasn't mad at Twilight, who had only been trying to help. She was angry at herself for going along with it.

        Suddenly, Applejack heard a scream from nearby. She realized that it had come from somewhere just inside the Everfree Forest. She dashed off to find the source of the sound. She hadn't gone but two hundred yards inside when she saw a pink filly running towards her. She didn't recognize the foal, but she did recognize the creatures who were after her.

        "Timberwolves." Applejack muttered to herself. She ran towards them, scooping the filly onto her back, and darting through the pack. She had slowed them down a bit, she knew. It took half a minute for the disorganized pack to reallign themselves, but it put some distance between them. Applejack realized that she was headed deeper into the Everfree Forest, and she knew she wasn't going to be able to outrun the timberwolves forever.

        Applejack ran with all of her strength, putting every ounce of energy into getting out of their sight. She could still hear them behind her when she leaped off of the path, over a bank and squeezed underneath the roots of a tree, pushing the filly through in front of her.

        "Wow!" The filly said, "That was..."

        Applejack shoved a hoof in the foal's mouth, silencing her. "Shhhhh..."

        The filly nodded. Applejack could hear the Timberwolves drawing closer, snarling and growling. Then, the unthinkable happened. Applejack raised her enchanted hoof to her nose, rubbing at the growing tickle.

        "Heh..." She breathed, and was suddenly aware of the silence around her. The Timberwolves had stopped moving. She couldn't help but hitch again, although she tried to keep it silent. "Hhh...."

        Applejack's nose tickled tremendously. A tear streamed down her cheek as she stifled another hitching breath. She was rubbing her nose with her enchanted hoof as fast as she dared, and her other hoof was covering her mouth, muffling her sharp breathing.

        Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut. She could feel her body moving, contorting with the force of the building sneeze. Her head tilted back until her nose was pointed straight up. She had been sitting on her back legs, but they unfolded, pressing against one side of the tree, and pushing her back against the other side. She could feel her back arch, and scrape against the side of the tree as her chest expanded with each tiny 'hhh.'

        She knew it was coming, and that she was powerless to stop it. Applejack drew in a large breath, and her lips and tongue poised to scream the first syallable of a mighty sneeze. But then, something strange happened. The sneeze caught in her throat, and she exhaled normally.

        Applejack's breathing returned to normal, but she couldn't open her eyes, or move. The tickle in her nose was beyond enormous. It felt as though every nerve ending in her nostrils was crying out in unison for her to sneeze. No, it was worse than that. The tickle surged through her nostrils like an ocean, waning in some places, waxing in others. She didn't dare stop rubbing.

        The torture was awful. Applejack waited, eyes shut, for what felt like hours, but she had lost all sense of time. Has it been hours? Applejack thought to herself. Am I safe now? Is this all a bad dream?

        The tickle spiked. OH! I just HAVE to! Her enchanted hoof slipped off of her quaking nostrils. She tried to move it back, but it was busy fanning the air in front of her face, and her head was beginning to grow foggy. She couldn't even remember how to move that arm. Desperate, she moved her other hoof out of her mouth, and underneath her nose.

        "Hehhhhhh..." She hitched, now unable to quiet herself. "HEHHHhhhhh... HAHHHHHHHH!"

        Applejack knew she was through. The tickle was just too tremendous. Her lips quivered, as her tongue pressed hard against the inside of her cheek. Her eyes were still shut, as they had been since this sneeze first struck her. Suddenly she heard a small voice in her ear.

        "Miss... Please don't sneeze..." The filly whispered.

        "Hehhh.. Dohhh... HEHHH! Don't... Snehhehhheeeeze... HEHHHHEHHHH!" Applejack agreed. She wriggled and squirmed against the inside of the tree. She managed to get back into her original position, with her enchanted hoof pressed to her nose, and her other one covering her mouth. Her hitching breaths sounded like whimpers. "hhh.... heyeehhhh.. igotta... hehhh.."

        "It's cahh... hehhhehhh... cahahhhaaah... coming!" Applejacks head tilted back even farther, until her nose was pressed against the inside of the tree. Her nostrils flared, rubbing against the rough consistency, and causing a tickle which was more than enough to counter-act the relief her enchanted hoof offered. Applejack thought she heard the filly say something, but she was too distracted to hear. She had forgotten why she was trying to hold back her sneeze in the first place.

        With her nose pressed against the tree, she was suddenly aware of the smell of the little hole in the ground she was hiding in. It smelled woody, and earthy. It smelled like the fungus growing on the inside of the tree. Applejack couldn't help but imagine the tiny spores it released, floating through the musty air, coating the inside of her nostrils, making her nose wriggle and itch until it was beyond her control, and she could not help but release them in a tremendous, massive, terrible to behold, body-quaking...  

        "Tickly..." She whined. "Hehh... hehhhh! So... HEHHH! So ticklYEEEESHAAAAW! KertiiiiCHOWWWW!"

        The last syllable came out as a tremendous, screamed sneeze, and another sneeze quickly followed. Applejack knew she wasn't done, however. Her head tilted back, eyes squinted shut, nostrils flaring. She took three breaths, each more tremendous than the last. "HEHHH!! HEHHHHHHHH!!! HEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

        With each breath, her legs stretched out, filling the enclosed space of the hollow tree, and pushing her feet into one side, and her hips into the other. The tree creaked, louder and louder as the walls strained to contain the sneezy pony. On the third breath, Applejack's eyes opened slightly, and she caught a glimpse of the setting sun. The bright light did her in, and the sneeze overwhelmed her.

        "KERRRTIIEE-CHAA-CHAAA-CHAAAAH-CHAH-CHA-CHA-CHOWWWWW!!!"