runu review

Paragraph 1:

>canterlot’s tallest structure

What is that?  The palace? Some sort of previously unseen skyscraper?  The roof of a mud farm?

This line is incredibly specific, but not descriptive.

 

>A fire popped and crackled

The first of many XXX and YYY combinations in your text.  Pick one verb please, having the spare synonym makes it seem like you’re unsure of which one to use.

 

>its only audience

Awkwardly phrased.  Try a different way of saying that the royal sisters are the only observers.  Perhaps describe Tia levitating a log into the dwindling flames?  A spark shooting out towards the pair, startling the timid Luna?

 

 

Paragraph 2

>suddenly and randomly feeling a crushing silence, Luna looked

Get rid of this line.  If the interaction is so abrupt and unexpected, make it abrupt and unexpected.

Just start right off with

“Um… Celestia?”  Luna adverbed verbed her (descriptive way of saying she’s asking a question here).

 

Paragraph 3:

>abruptly quit staring into space to turn towards the younger princess… blah blah blah

Hella awkard phrasing.

Try

        Celestia turned to face her younger sister.

This line really doesn’t need that purple prose.

 

Paragraph 4:

Ditch YE OLDE CANTERLOTLIAN DIALECT.

Unless this story is set BEFORE season 2 of the show, Luna has already learned to overcome her speech impediment thingy.

And if this is set before season 2, then change that.  It’ll be really hard on your readers.

Try something like

When have you last heard from your student?  I sorely miss hearing her ridiculous tales.

 

Paragraph 5

Using this italicized line breaks the flow of the story and confuses the reader, as we don’t immediately understand that Celestia is telegraphing her thoughts to us.

Even if you did want to keep the noncanonical canterlotlia royal speech joke, it still isn’t necessary, and limits the narration henceforth by explicitly showing that this story is being told by Cele.

Paragraph 6:

>making a mental note to add more time for luna’s

Awkwardly phrased, and sort of superfluous.

Make it into a separate sentence if it’s really necessary.

 

>opened her mouth to respond

This should be your core sentence.

 

>but realized that she didn’t remember the last time she’d…

Make this into a separate sentence.

For example:

        Celestia opened her mouth to respond, but paused.  Twilight hadn’t sent a friendship report in quite a while now.

 

>worry crossed her mind briefly

Worry briefly crossed her mind

Would have better flow, while retaining the exact same word choice and meaning.

 

Paragraph  6:

This works pretty well.

 

Paragraph 7:

>and stood to hear

Is the standing really an essential part of listening to the scroll?  Provide more details if the positioning of the characters or some sort of environmental factor makes this so.

Is Luna moving to peer over Tia’s shoulder?

Is the room too dark for her to see the missive from where she sits?

Is she reading it off the scroll too, or literally listening to Tia read it out loud for her?

Elaborate please.

 

>the newest tale of celestia’s pupil

Tale seems like a strange word choice.

From celestia’s pupil, not of celestia’s pupil.

 

Paragraph 8:

>celestia walked over to the desk