PASTEBIN | #1 paste tool since 2002
PASTEBIN
Pastebin launched a little side project called HostCabi.net, check it out ;-)Don't like ads? PRO users don't see any ads ;-)
Public Pastes

# BluntTongs-More DF Faggotry, Acteus's mancave edition

By: mothpone on Jan 5th, 2014 | syntax: None | size: 5.90 KB | hits: 42 | expires: Never
download | raw | embed | report abuse | print
Text below is selected. Please press Ctrl+C to copy to your clipboard. (⌘+C on Mac)

1. >you are at Acteus’s house, taking a break from constructing the mancave fort you both had planned, sitting on the couch across from Acteus on his own recliner
2. >the fort is nearly finished, you just have to put in the drywall and furnishings
3. >but that’ll have to wait
4. >Acteus just challenged you to a Bloodlines game in Dwarf Fortress
5. >he’s been playing for a while now, and seems to have gotten the hang of it
6. >Bloodlines goes a bit like this: You control the fort for a certain amount of years (in this case, one), then you give control to him, and after his year limit is up, you get to command the fort again, ad infinitum
7. >that is, until one of you lets the fort crumble
8. >rules are slightly modified, as normally a lot more people play and nobody really gets control again, but nobody else in town wants to sit at a computer all day for some reason
10. >”So, Anonymous. What do you think?”
11. >this newfag could stand to use an asswhoopin’
12. >erm, not the sexual kind
13. “I accept the challenge, but under one term:”
14. >you smile
15. “If I win, you have to-”
16. >”OOOH, no, I am /not/ sucking your cock!”
17. “No, no, no, you misunderstand! If you lose, I want you to do ALL the heavy lifting in your mancave. All the furniture, all the drywall. Everything.”
18. >”Fine. But if I win…”
19. >Acteus smiles a smile more devious than yours
20. >”You have to suck my dick!”
21. >goddamnit Acteus
22. “That’s hypocritical, and you know it!”
23. >”Oh, you must too afraid to play, knowing that you’ll soon be having THIS-”
24. >he whips his large, flacid, black cock out
25. >”-In your gob!”
26. >you reel backwards a bit, horrified at the thought of the perverse act, and ignore your own acts of the perverted kind
27. >but you steel yourself; you’ve been playing DF for years now, and Acteus just started about a month ago
28. >he’s no match for you, and you know it
29. “Alright, I accept!”
30. >”I hope you like thick, juicy hotdogs, Anon.~”
31. “Fuck off. Prepare to have numerous spine injuries!”
33. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
35. >It is year twenty in your little fortress, your own year to do things
36. >things are going to shit fast, but it’s Autumn now
37. >you only have to hold out until Spring next year, though, and then Acteus will be buttfucked into oblivion by all these shitty fucking bees that are god-damn everywhere
38. >’Urist mcDislikesbees cancels move important fucking stone: stung by Asshole Bee’
39. >’Urist mcAsshole cancels build wall: stung by Asshole Bee’
40. >over and over again, spamming the announcement box with these messages
41. >pieces of shit
42. >but aside from the only Very Annoying bees, there’s the obvious threat of the giant rotten megabeast that just showed up
43. >it’s a giant parrot with deadly blood, and some ribs on the outside of it’s body
44. >also it’s reviving all these corpses of things you slaughtered, as well as the severed body parts
45. >no wait, that’s just the fucking necromancer
46. >luckily, your entrance has collapsed just now, so they can’t get in
47. >unluckily, the cave-in also destroyed your farm plots, the only real stable source of food
48. “Acteus, couldn’t you have put proper support in those farming rooms?”
49. >”You ass, you could have done that years ago.”
50. >welp
51. >now to starve everyone to death
52. >implying they won’t go berserk and kill everyone else before that, considering fifty of your seventy-five dwarves were trapped outside building a perimeter wall
53. >oh good, they’ve rose from the dead seeking flesh, how nice
54. “Couldn’t you have ordered that wall to be built earlier?”
55. >”No, because I wanted to try and get rid of the gaping rectal cavity in our fort known colloquially as ‘bees.’ Unfortunately, it didn’t work.”
56. “I can see that.”
57. >a message pops up at the bottom of the screen, stating that it is now Winter
58. >Acteus is clearly terrified at this
59. >”Shitshitshitshitshit-”
60. >he runs around the room, fluttering his wings and getting dust on everything
61. >the game pauses as a message comes up reading something vaguely along the lines of:
62. >’Urist mcFuckyofort has gone berserk!’
63. >here comes the tantrum spiral
65. >the enraged dwarf runs through the narrow underground tunnels, destroying all in his way as it nears the end of the year
66. >he doesn’t even allow them to get mad at him for slicing them up
67. >fucking professional swordsdwarves, man.
68. >as the horrible monstrosity that used to be a sane dwarf reaches the last miner in your fort, as well as the last one alive, the year end is nigh
69. >this is it
70. >the end
71. >now you’ll have to suck mothdick
72. >i-it won’t be that bad, right?
73. >Acteus just looks at you and cackles
74. >the swordsdwarf reaches the miner…
75. >...swings his sword…
76. >...and gets a pickaxe to the brainpan
77. >he drops, dead, to the ground, and the timer ticks over to a new year
78. >all that’s left is the miner, now huddled in a corner of a bedroom
79. >Acteus stops the laughter, and looks at the screen, bewildered
80. >”I…”
81. >”...”
82. >”...Shit.”
83. >mere weeks later in-game, and the poor dwarf starves to death
84. >Acteus hangs his head as you cheer in victory, free from the terror of having to swallow moth-sperm
86. >that night, you sip a banana smoothie while Acteus hauls all the furniture around and puts in the walls.
87. >It’s a great to be a ‘professional’ DF player
88. >Acteus didn’t complain, but he did swing his limp cock in front of your face a few times
89. >and so, when you both finished construction, you forgot past differences and danced the night away with your new dico-ball and dance floor, drinking from your sweet new beer-dispensers all the while
90. >and as Acteus begins fall asleep on the large sofa-bed combo you (or rather, he) brought down here, you lay down next to him, tired from dancing and drinking
91. >as you lie there, drifting off to sleep, Acteus slowly wraps his tired and drunken hooves around you
92. >you don’t even bother removing them from yourself as you fall into the wondrous void known as sleep
94. [END]

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data
>you are at Acteus’s house, taking a break from constructing the mancave fort you both had planned, sitting on the couch across from Acteus on his own recliner >the fort is nearly finished, you just have to put in the drywall and furnishings >but that’ll have to wait >Acteus just challenged you to a Bloodlines game in Dwarf Fortress >he’s been playing for a while now, and seems to have gotten the hang of it >Bloodlines goes a bit like this: You control the fort for a certain amount of years (in this case, one), then you give control to him, and after his year limit is up, you get to command the fort again, ad infinitum >that is, until one of you lets the fort crumble >rules are slightly modified, as normally a lot more people play and nobody really gets control again, but nobody else in town wants to sit at a computer all day for some reason >”So, Anonymous. What do you think?” >this newfag could stand to use an asswhoopin’ >erm, not the sexual kind “I accept the challenge, but under one term:” >you smile “If I win, you have to-” >”OOOH, no, I am /not/ sucking your cock!” “No, no, no, you misunderstand! If you lose, I want you to do ALL the heavy lifting in your mancave. All the furniture, all the drywall. Everything.” >”Fine. But if I win…” >Acteus smiles a smile more devious than yours >”You have to suck my dick!” >goddamnit Acteus “That’s hypocritical, and you know it!” >”Oh, you must too afraid to play, knowing that you’ll soon be having THIS-” >he whips his large, flacid, black cock out >”-In your gob!” >you reel backwards a bit, horrified at the thought of the perverse act, and ignore your own acts of the perverted kind >but you steel yourself; you’ve been playing DF for years now, and Acteus just started about a month ago >he’s no match for you, and you know it “Alright, I accept!” >”I hope you like thick, juicy hotdogs, Anon.~” “Fuck off. Prepare to have numerous spine injuries!” -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- >It is year twenty in your little fortress, your own year to do things >things are going to shit fast, but it’s Autumn now >you only have to hold out until Spring next year, though, and then Acteus will be buttfucked into oblivion by all these shitty fucking bees that are god-damn everywhere >’Urist mcDislikesbees cancels move important fucking stone: stung by Asshole Bee’ >’Urist mcAsshole cancels build wall: stung by Asshole Bee’ >over and over again, spamming the announcement box with these messages >pieces of shit >but aside from the only Very Annoying bees, there’s the obvious threat of the giant rotten megabeast that just showed up >it’s a giant parrot with deadly blood, and some ribs on the outside of it’s body >also it’s reviving all these corpses of things you slaughtered, as well as the severed body parts >no wait, that’s just the fucking necromancer >luckily, your entrance has collapsed just now, so they can’t get in >unluckily, the cave-in also destroyed your farm plots, the only real stable source of food “Acteus, couldn’t you have put proper support in those farming rooms?” >”You ass, you could have done that years ago.” >welp >now to starve everyone to death >implying they won’t go berserk and kill everyone else before that, considering fifty of your seventy-five dwarves were trapped outside building a perimeter wall >oh good, they’ve rose from the dead seeking flesh, how nice “Couldn’t you have ordered that wall to be built earlier?” >”No, because I wanted to try and get rid of the gaping rectal cavity in our fort known colloquially as ‘bees.’ Unfortunately, it didn’t work.” “I can see that.” >a message pops up at the bottom of the screen, stating that it is now Winter >Acteus is clearly terrified at this >”Shitshitshitshitshit-” >he runs around the room, fluttering his wings and getting dust on everything >the game pauses as a message comes up reading something vaguely along the lines of: >’Urist mcFuckyofort has gone berserk!’ >here comes the tantrum spiral >the enraged dwarf runs through the narrow underground tunnels, destroying all in his way as it nears the end of the year >he doesn’t even allow them to get mad at him for slicing them up >fucking professional swordsdwarves, man. >as the horrible monstrosity that used to be a sane dwarf reaches the last miner in your fort, as well as the last one alive, the year end is nigh >this is it >the end >now you’ll have to suck mothdick >i-it won’t be that bad, right? >Acteus just looks at you and cackles >the swordsdwarf reaches the miner… >...swings his sword… >...and gets a pickaxe to the brainpan >he drops, dead, to the ground, and the timer ticks over to a new year >all that’s left is the miner, now huddled in a corner of a bedroom >Acteus stops the laughter, and looks at the screen, bewildered >”I…” >”...” >”...Shit.” >mere weeks later in-game, and the poor dwarf starves to death >Acteus hangs his head as you cheer in victory, free from the terror of having to swallow moth-sperm >that night, you sip a banana smoothie while Acteus hauls all the furniture around and puts in the walls. >It’s a great to be a ‘professional’ DF player >Acteus didn’t complain, but he did swing his limp cock in front of your face a few times >and so, when you both finished construction, you forgot past differences and danced the night away with your new dico-ball and dance floor, drinking from your sweet new beer-dispensers all the while >and as Acteus begins fall asleep on the large sofa-bed combo you (or rather, he) brought down here, you lay down next to him, tired from dancing and drinking >as you lie there, drifting off to sleep, Acteus slowly wraps his tired and drunken hooves around you >you don’t even bother removing them from yourself as you fall into the wondrous void known as sleep [END]