Ponyfag in Equestria, part 2

>Did someone say "Cherrychanga?"

>Nevermind, that was just the sound of your brain imploding.

>This is Big Mac you're seeing here.

>No seams or zippers to indicate a guy in a suit.

>No hint of strain in the voice to indicate an impersonation.

>No whirring of servos or gears from an animatronic.

>You're looking at the living breathing Big Macintosh, bucking beast of the apple clan.

>And he's looking at you.

>Oh shit, how long have you been staring at him now?

>Quick, quick, say something!

"Looks like I'm more lost than I thought," you say with a chuckle. You hold out a hand, hoping against hope that a hand/hoofshake isn't a new concept to p0nydom. "Hi there, my name's...

>Fuck it, just go with tradition.

"...Anonymous. My friends call me Anon."

 

>Your hand hangs in the air for what feels like an eternity.

>Kingdoms rise and fall, the universe collapses and explodes again.

>A single bead of chilly sweat slides down your temple like an iceberg.

>Your face begins to hurt from the smile you've hung on it.

>Then it's over, and his hoof hits your palm like a well-thrown baseball.

>"Name's Big Mac."

>He's not smiling, and he's still looking at you suspiciously, but you're not so intimidating that he's afraid to approach.

"Nice to meet you. As I was saying, I haven't a clue where I am. Could you point me towards Pismo Beach?"

>"Hmm... Nnnope. Never heard of it. Ah can tell you you're at Sweet Apple Acres, though.

>You rub the back of your head, gazing at the sky.

"Must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque," you mutter, carefully watching Big Mac from the corner of your eye.

>No reaction. Seperate comedy continuity established. Your in-jokes and pop culture references are worthless here.

 

"Well, I've got a good enough sense of direction, if you could point me toward... the closest town, I'm sure I can find my way home."

>The ease with which the word 'Ponyville' almost escaped your lips catches you off guard.

>Remember Anon, you're a stranger here. YOU. KNOW. NOTHING.

>As you look at him, Big Macintosh seems just as lost in thought as you were.

>You almost repeat your request, when he seems to come to a decision.

>"Mah sister's better with directions than me. Sit on down, have an apple. Ah'll be back in a bit."

>You start to suggest that you come along to speed things up, but the scarlet stallion has already hitched himself up, and his eyes are set to the distance.

>As you watch the p0ny take off, your brain finally kicks in.

>You're in Equestria, motherfucker.

>Or is it motherbucker now?

>Fuck that. Don't get bogged down with little shit, you don't have time.

>You have until Big Mac gets back with Applejack to get your story straight.

>As you sink into memory, the opening theme finds it's way to your lips, and your whistling rings through the mid-day air.

 

>Your chances of getting home were nil without help. You had no knowledge of magic, and no way to use that knowledge, even if you had it.

>So step one, befriend sorcerous equines.

>Hee hee. You get to meet sorcerous equines.

>Somehow hearing your brain tittering to itself drives the point home in a way that even shaking Bic Macintosh's hoof didn't.

>You find yourself in a peaceful magical land full of technicolor ungulates. Do you actually want to go home?

>... yes. Yes you do.

>Knowing what you do about this place, the wonders it holds compared to your own world, you can't help but want to explore, but waves of guilt crash over you unexpectedly.

>You do not belong here.

>No matter how saccharine and welcoming this place is, it's not yours.

>Why else would Big Macintosh leave you in the middle of the orchard when you're asking for help?

>He's protecting his family, you twit.

>Protecting them from you.

>Go home, you hairless ape.

 

>Ok, so new step one, be as friendly as possible. This world operates on kindness and friendship, and you have to work within the system to escape it.

>You straighten your shirt and cargo shorts, and look despondantly at your $5 flipflops. First impressions were important, but you looked like the schmuck you had been last night, a 20-something out for a casual night with friends.

>You hope vainly that your winning personality and patent pending patterns of politeness would see you through.

>Step two, locate and get aid from unicorns to send you home.

>Preferably twilight and/or the princesses, since you imagine dimensional travel to be considerably beyond the ken of most normal unicorns.

>If and only if you were not able to get home quickly, you set up a list of survival essentials for equestrian life.

>Food, especially beans, nuts, soy, and eggs. The chances of getting actual meat in a society of vegetarians were low, but you needed to keep your protein high in case you needed to escape or exert yourself dramatically.

>Shelter. You'd had picky roommates before, and going unnoticed in another room was a talent of yours. Your own home would be preferable, but a poor foreigner getting his own place to live? Not likely.

>Clothes. It was hotter than hell back home, and warm here and now, but the show depicted winter quite harshly, and what you wore would not get you far, especially if it saw daily use.

>Finally, money. Cash. Bits? Everyone earns their keep, even here in goddamn p0nyland.

>You sit, and you wonder. How does a dextrous sapient ape survive in a land not built for him?

 

>You're still brainstorming when a familiar twang pulls you back out of your reverie.

>"C'mon Big Macintosh, Ya said yerself that ya weren't followed! This poor fella's lost and confused, and he's still trustin' enough to wait for you to come back!"

>"But sis'..."

>"Nope, that's just rude, mac. Ah don't care if he's twice your size and breathes fire, if he's gonna go so far as to sit in the summer sun for an hour and a half-"

>Jeez, had it been that long?

>"Tha least we can do is get the fella on the way back to his home. Now where is he?"

>"Ah told him to wait here, he might'a gotten bored and wandered off."

>The hope in his voice stung a bit. The fact that he and AJ had come up from a different direction than the one he left toward stung more.

>Had you made him so concerned for his family that he felt he needed to lose you in the trees rather than risk you finding the way to the house?

>Then you remember some of the stuff you've done to protect your little sister, and any anger toward the red stallion is gone.

>He's the biggest one here, and you still tower over him. Of course he's doing what he can to keep you away from those he loves.

>You'd do no less if a 10 foot tall talking pony showed up.

>But enough is enough.

>You clear your throat a bit, and in seconds, a staccato of hoofbeats comes rushing to the tree you're leaning against.

 

>"Well howdy, stranger! I was worried mah blockheaded brother here had led me to the wrong part of the orchard! Tha name's Applejack. How ya doin?"

>You rise to a kneel, and put a hand out in the same way you had with Mac.

"Nice to meet you, miss Applejack. I'm Anonymous. I'm tired and lost, but your brother let me have a few of your fine apples, so at least I'm not so hungry now."

>Coming to his defense didn't knock the frost off of Big Macintosh's gaze, but at least he knows you're appreciative.

>AJ's hoofshake is every bit as rough as her brother's, but you can feel an exuberance behind it that her brother lacked.

>"Well at least he kept track of SOME of his manners. Ah swear, some days ah think bein' in the field all day's baked all the nice right outta him."

"Nonsense, he went out of his way to make sure I got directions home from the most capable person he knew. I've met people back home who'd sooner kick a man over the closest fence than help him out in a time of need.

>AJ's face flickers briefly, revealing shock and sadness before relapsing into her friendly smile. "Well it's a good thing you're here then, and not back in... Alphaturkey, was it?"

>You fight not to smile, but it comes through anyway.

"Albuquerque," you chuckle, "though considering the attitudes of most of the residents, your name may have been more accurate."

 

>"Well, ah can't say ah've ever heard of the place, so getting you there is a tricky bit o' work."

>"Ah tell you what though, ah've got a friend in p0nyville that's got a library's worth o' knowledge, and lives in a actual library besides, so if ya don't mind spendin' a day on a farm, ah could take ya to see her when ah go ta town tommorrow!"

>You freeze for a second. There is no WAY it could be this easy.

>AJ rushes to fill the gap in conversation. "No need to worry, sugar. Twilight's smart as a whip, but she's one of the nicest p0nies ah've ever met. Ah'm sure she won't mind helpin' ya find your way."

"Well, if you're sure it won't be a bother..."

>"Not at all sugarcube. Ah've even got a guide to crop rotation that ah need to get back to her while ah'm there. Just come on back to the house with me, and come tommorrow, we'll get you headed home."

>"*cough* hey sis..."

>Oh goddamnit Big Mac, what now?

 

>"Yeah Mac?"

>"I don't mind him stayin' or anythin', but you know the rules of the farm."

>"What are ya gettin' at, brother?"

>"If he's gonna eat, he's gotta work."

>Oh thank fuck, is that all?

>You feel AJ's eyes on you again. When you turn to look at her, there's no malice, no passion, no lust in those eyes, just cold evaluation, like she's looking at a piece of equipment.

>"...'e's right you know. unless you're hurt or sick, you work for your meals here at sweet apple acres. We all do."

"That's only fair, miss applejack. Heck, if you want to get technical, I owe you some work for the apples I've ALREADY eaten. You just tell me what to do, and consider it done."

>"Ah knew ah had you pegged for a hard worker! Alright, most of what needs done at the house or in the barn is handled by me and mah sister, and granny smith's got dinner duty, so ah guess just help out Big Macintosh here with his bucking."

>"Ah'll get back and have granny set another plate at the table, and ah'll see you boys in a few hours, Ok?"

"Yes ma'am," you say, sketching a mock salute.

>"Alright then. Ah've got a pig trough to fix, so ah'll get on mah way. Big Macintosh, you be nice, y'hear?

>"Eeeeyup."

>You watch the orange mare trot away for a good thirty seconds before you feel stallion breath on your back.

>You turn slowly, expecting rage, or maybe fear, maybe worse.

>All you get is a slightly impatient raised red eyebrow.

>"You heard tha lady, let's get buckin'."