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Chapter 23: Break Up, Break Down

A/N: Pastebin of my thoughts and relevant caps for each chapter found here - pastebin domain (slash) 8SEXngrF

 

Elsa was standing in the kitchen, absentmindedly building a sandwich that could serve as both lunch and dinner, intending to skip the latter to avoid any more discussion over her sister's imminent departure. The last few nights had been nothing but her parents firing question after question at the younger girl. Where was she staying? What was her host family like? Did she have plans for travel outside of the semester? What clothes did she need to bring? Sometimes Anna looked as overwhelmed as Elsa felt, and she couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her sister.

 

The sound of the front door opening filtered into the house, and Elsa glanced up at the clock. Four-thirty. Too early for her parents, but too late for Anna. Unless she had been to lacrosse practice. But that normally finishes at five. Elsa had found herself paying more and more attention to her sister's comings and goings, unconsciously counting down the hours until the girl's presence lifted the fog of desolation clouding her days that stemmed from the knowledge that Anna would be gone all too soon.

 

She leaned over to peer around the doorframe, watching her sister trudge over to the couch and sink heavily into the cushions. She looked exhausted. Elsa guessed she hadn't been sleeping well.

 

The older girl debated hiding in the kitchen until Anna left, not wanting to heap additional stress onto her already obviously fatigued sister. Her mind flashed back to Anna's confession. What if she needs you, though? You're the only person she can talk to about…about what she's feeling. You should just suck it up and give her someone to lean on. She exhaled, working up the courage to step into the living room.

 

"I know you're in there, Elsa," her sister's voice came, tiredly. "I can hear you." Elsa slumped, and she lost her nerve. But she was caught, and so she exited the kitchen, smiling sheepishly.

 

"Sorry," she said. "I just- I wanted to give you some space. I didn't want to force you to talk to me, considering…" she trailed off, hoping her sister would understand.

 

Anna closed her eyes briefly, nodding. "Yeah, thanks." She fixed Elsa with a solemn look. An awkward silence settled around them.

 

"I broke up with Kristoff," she said, suddenly. The admission was completely out of the blue, and the older girl was sure her face gave away her surprise, and possibly her relief, as well.

 

"Oh," she replied, stunned. "I mean, that's- why? Because of the exchange?"

 

"No," Anna began, dropping her head into her hands. "I don't really know, to be honest," she muttered. She inhaled deeply, looking at Elsa again. "He was a really great guy. And he was good to me."

 

She chuckled, but it was devoid of any humour. "When I told him I couldn't date him anymore, his first reaction was to tell me that if it would make me happier, he'd accept whatever I decided to do." Her face fell. "Just like that. He didn't even get mad."

 

Elsa moved to the couch, sitting beside Anna. Even she had to admit that it was an incredibly selfless move on Kristoff's part. "So, you feel kind of guilty then?" She asked. No fucking shit, Sherlock.

 

Her sister ignored the obviousness of the question, nodding again. "I guess that's part of it, yeah." She stared at the carpet. "I thought if I broke it off, I'd get some kind of…I dunno, clarity, I guess, on the rest of my emotions. Like if I emptied my head enough, things would start to make sense." She huffed, clenching her jaw, and Elsa saw tears cloud her eyes. "But everything is just as confusing as ever."

 

Anna looked at her sister, desperation flicking across her features. "I'm so tired of being a slave to all these ridiculous feelings. I'm tired of feeling my heart clench when I look at you." A tear rolled down her face. "And I'm so fucking tired of crying all the time."

 

Elsa felt a protective instinct kick in, and she moved closer, gently putting an arm around her sister. "I'm sorry, Anna," she said. She felt like she was doing nothing but apologising to the girl these days. Is it too much to ask for you to say something that isn't so pathetic for once? Elsa tentatively rubbed a hand over Anna's back, pleased that her sister wasn't pulling away. It appeared she was slowly overcoming her aversion to Elsa's touch. That or she was still desperate enough to accept comfort from the older girl.

 

"I know what it's like, to feel so much that it makes you crazy. I do." You just called her crazy. And brought up the reason for all this torment. Jesus, just say something about Kristoff and go three for three, you fucking retard. She bit her cheek, trying to think of something that wouldn't incite more agony. "It's okay to cry, though. To give in to your emotions and just, let it go, even if it's only for a short while."

 

Unless you're me, in which case you should keep that shit buried forever. Elsa sighed. This wasn't going well at all. She was hopeless when it came to giving advice.

 

Anna turned to face her, eyes watery, but a tiny spark of hope in them. "You mean that?" She asked. Elsa was taken aback by the optimism in her tone.

 

"Uh, I guess? I mean, you can't really be expected to bottle everything up forever, right?" She let out a short, self-deprecating laugh, gesturing to herself. "Obviously I'm not the best example, but…"

 

Her face grew serious again. "You're strong Anna," she declared, a rare honesty to her words. "You're the strongest person I know. But there are some things that are too big even for you to handle alone." She smiled softly. "You're allowed to let someone else help. You're allowed to cry or do something you wouldn't normally do if it helps you sort through what you're feeling. Anything to stop yourself from being crushed under the weight of it all."

 

Silence descended over the room as Elsa let the words sink in. Huh, guess you're not all that bad at giving advice after all.

 

Seconds passed, and Elsa blushed lightly when she realised Anna was staring at her, intense eyes boring into her own. "Did- did I say something wrong?" she murmured.

 

Anna shook her head. "No," she breathed. "I think you said exactly what I needed to hear."

 

She leaned forward.

 

It took Elsa a few moments to register that Anna's lips were on hers. Her eyebrows shot into her hairline.

 

What the fuck?!

 

She was too stunned to kiss back. Her sister pulled back, a hurt expression on her face. "Elsa?" she said, quietly. "Why aren't you- I thought you wanted this?"

 

The older girl blinked quickly. "Yeah- no, Anna. I do want this, but-"

 

She was interrupted by Anna kissing her a second time, more forcefully now, gripping Elsa's thigh as she tried to force a tongue into the older girl's mouth. Elsa stifled a groan, but her eyes rolled back slightly and she fought desperately to retain her wits.

 

Oh god.

 

I want her. So much.

 

Anna pressed one hand to Elsa's cheek, pushing the other under the hem of her shirt, fingers dancing over the soft skin of her hip.

 

But she's confused.

 

Elsa felt teeth nip at her lower lip, and the hand on her cheek moved around to the back of her neck as her sister crawled on top of her, pushing her against the back of the couch.

 

This isn't what she wants.

 

Anna grabbed one of Elsa's hands, guiding it around to her denim-covered rear, kissing the older girl heatedly.

 

Stop her! Stop her before she regrets it!

 

Using the absolute last of her willpower, Elsa pulled her head back, pushing a hand to Anna's chest, trying to keep the younger girl at a distance that would allow the intoxicating cloud of want to dissipate from her mind. Anna was panting, hands still on her sister's skin, fingers gently stroking it. Her eyes were dark and her brow was furrowed with impatience. It was one of the most irresistible things Elsa had ever seen.

 

"Anna," she gulped. "Believe me, I want this so much. You have no idea." She inhaled deeply, trying to clear her mind. "But I can't let you do this. Not now." Anna's face fell, and she stood up, hugging herself, trying not to show how badly the rejection was affecting her.

 

Explain yourself, dumbass. Before you crush her.

 

"Anna, wait," she pleaded. "Please, just hear me out." The girl shifted, looking like she would flee at any moment. Elsa spoke quickly. "I don't know what you're feeling right now. And I'm not trying to speak for you. But as much as I want this…" she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to push the feeling of Anna's body on top of hers from her mind. "I need you to be completely sure of what you want."

 

Anna let her arms drop slightly, and her face softened. Elsa continued, sensing she had a little more time now that her sister wasn't seconds from running away. "Just- I feel like maybe you're only doing this because you think it's what I want. And because now that Kristoff's out of the picture-" she mentally berated herself when she saw Anna wince. Wow. Nice work. May as well go the whole nine yards now. "- now that he's gone, and you're about to go overseas, you're scared of being alone. And you're looking for someone to make you feel not so alone."

 

The younger girl pressed a hand to her mouth, trying to stifle a sob. Elsa watched as she slowly fell to her knees, hunching over, shoulders shaking imperceptibly, and her heart broke.

 

The older girl slid off the couch, gathering her sister in to her arms. "Hey," she whispered. "It's okay, remember? It's okay to be scared and to cry." She felt Anna's hands bury themselves in the shirt on her back, as the girl rested a wet cheek on her shoulder. "You're not alone, Anna. I know I've been a terrible sister these last couple of years. These last few months especially. But you're not alone. You have me. Always."

 

She kissed the top of Anna's head. "Everything is so fucked up right now, and I'm sorry. For all of it. But you're still my baby sister, and I need you to know that I never, ever stopped loving you." She held the girl tighter. "No matter where you go," she whispered, "I promise, from now on, I'm going to be there for you, okay?"

 

Anna nodded against her neck, and Elsa could almost feel the weight melting off the girl's shoulders. She sighed.

 

It's your turn to be Superman now. Don't you dare break this promise.