Untitled

"What were you thinking!?"

 

"I thought they should hear some decent music like we used to play in the lair."

 

"How could you let them dig around in Aunt Agnes' stuff!? First I get turned into a baby, then they unleash that metallic neat freak, and now this!"

 

"I thought that closet was just old records. I had no idea that thing was in there."

 

"You better have an idea how to fix this!"

 

"Keep up the yelling. It's really helping my computations."

 

To be fair yelling was the only way Kelly could be heard over the loud and disturbing noises coming from her brother, but I never miss a chance to be sarcastic with her. Finally accepting that I wasn't a deus ex machina she went for a direct approach, bashing and kicking the infernal contraption in a desperate attempt to break it's spell over Guy. When that didn't work she tried shoving it off the platform, but it didn't budge an inch. Left with no other option she resorted to tackling him and wrestling the device from his hands, but his grip remained firm.

 

Maz found her struggle amusing, commenting between mouthfuls of popcorn. "I thought... you didn't... want a turn.... did you... change your mind?"

 

"I want him to shutup before my eardrums burst!" Again with the yelling.

 

"What are you... talking about... he's great!"

 

Kelly disagreed. She expressed her disagreement by taking a running start and kneeing Guy between the legs. Collapsing to the ground in agony he finally let go of the mic and ended their torment. The karoake machine still blasted an instrumental, but they were spared his torturous singing.

 

"Thank you Kelly. Heart of Glass was your aunt's favorite and I couldn't stand listening to him butcher it."

 

We're going with Blondie? Wouldn't Aerosmith be more appropriate? The author knows which song I'm talking about.

 

"Cool... now it's... my turn!" Swallowing the last handful of popcorn Maz leapt from his chair and grabbed the mic. Kelly was backing up for another run when fate intervened.

 

"Shemergency! Shemergency! The Big and Tall store is being robbed by Little Moochers. Get over there SheZow and fit them for some prison stripes."

 

Guy hobbled over to my console, still not grasping that I can hear him just fine from anywhere. "Can it wait a minute Sheila? I just got hit right in the..."

 

"No!" Whipping out my robot arms I chucked him in the shehicle with his tonedeaf sidekick and activated the autopilot. When they were gone I gave Kelly her orders.

 

"Go down to shequipment storage and get one of the laser lipsticks, we're getting rid of that thing for good."

 

She wasn't listening. She'd picked up the mic and was glancing around to make sure they were alone, a smile forming on her face.

 

----

 

While I suffered through the worst performance of Dreaming I'd ever heard SheZow was speeding across town with his sidekick... uh... what's he going with this time?

 

"Bowl Cut!"

 

Really? He just cut eyeholes in the popcorn bowl and strapped it to his head with ducttape. How lazy, and I wasn't the only one to think so.

 

"Come on dude. You gotta put more effort into these costumes."

 

"You try coming up with a fresh costume in five seconds! I can't just say some magic words and have a whole outfit appear on me like you do."

 

"Still though, you couldn't do better than that?"

 

"Yeah my costume sure is silly, says the 70s throwback in tacky leopard print."

 

Knowing he didn't have a rebuttal for that SheZow shut up and watched the road. Minutes later they were at the Big and Tall store. The place apparently took it's name quite literally, it was built several stories high and filled up the entire block. Inside were seemingly endless racks of oversized clothing surrounding a massive circular staircase to the floors above. The open space in the center was dominated by collosal mannequins, their heads almost sscrapping the ceiling.

 

"Huh, so I guess that's where Manny Ken came from." While SheZow gawked at the displays Bowl Cut was checking out the merchandise.

 

"How does 'Extra Large' sound for a sidekick? No wait, that's taken. What about 'Bad Fit'? That's a way better..."

 

Not wanting to hear a second more of this blather I projected my scowling hologram between them. "Would you two focus! You're here to thwart a robbery."

 

SheZow sherugged. "What robbery? I don't see anybody."

 

They might not see anything, but they definitely heard something in the formalwear department.

 

"That's not how you tie a knot Willigan!"

 

"Like you know any better Hoogrin!"

 

Racing toward the familiar accents they found themselves in a labyrinth of suits and ties, SheZow zooming through the aisles while Bowl Cut lowered his head to charge through racks of clothing like a bull. Smashing through a wall of children's tuxedos he emerged on the other side wearing one. There he found a crowd of people being held hostage by the hairy duo, the fat one trying and failing to tie them up while the skinny one covered him. Turning his weapon on the helmeted stranger he asked the obvious questions.

 

"Who are you? And why do you have a bowl on your head?"

 

Standing up straight he took a moment to calmy fix his cuffs before answering in the most refined voice he could manage. "The name's Cut. Bowl Cut."

 

I'm warning the author, if we do a joke that corny again I'm out of here. The Moochers must have disaproved as well because they opened fire. They'd use redneck ingenuity to modify harmless water guns into less harmless lasers, but the worst they could do was leave a nasty bruise. Bowl Cut was getting a headache from blocking their shots with his namesake when his SheZow finally showed up.

 

"Sorry I'm late, I got lost in..." He noticed what his friend was wearing and forgot about his falsetto. "Woah, nice threads!"

 

"What's wrong with her voice? She sounds like..." The thin Moocher was too distracted by the sudden drop in 'her' pitch to notice 'her' sidekick charging and was completely bowled over by the tackle. SheZow easily took care of the wide moocher by kicking the laser away and fishnet bombing both of them. He was trying to come up with a quip when the criminal pair burst into laughter. Picking up the sacks of Moocher he held them at eye level for questioning, remembering to use the right voice this time.

 

"What's so funny? Gimme the short answer." There's that quip we were looking for.

 

They gave him a question instead. "Why would we rob the Big and Tall store?"

 

The other sack chimed in. "We can't even wear this stuff!"

 

Bowl Cut had a good idea. "You could take something from the kid's section like I did. The tag says this tux is for a 7 year old."

 

SheZow had a bad idea. "Or you could stand on each other's shoulders."

 

Neither were right. "We're gettin paid to be bait you big dummy!"

 

"If you're bait than who's the fisherman?" Our hero tried shaking an answer out of them, but all he got was the same insult shouted even louder.

 

"I said, you big dummy!"

 

"I'm not the one in a bag you..." His comeback was interrupted by a sudden surge of She-S-P. Flinging the Little Moochers out a window he yelled to his sidekick. "Get those people out of here!"

 

Their was no need to explain. They could all hear the creaking sound now and see one of the enormous mannequins slowly leaning over. Bowl Cut led the civilians to safety while SheZow charged the falling colossus. He tried stopping it with a sonic scream, but it already had too much momentum. He could only leap out of the way as it smashed through the upper floors and flattened a wing of the store. Posing on the giant's back was a familiar figure with a green jumpsuit and lasers sprouting from her arms.

 

"Hello there SheZow, just dropping in to..."

 

He was too impressed to care what Tara had to say. "That was the most shemazing entrance I've ever seen! How did you get it to fall in the right direction? How did you keep from sliding off as it..."

 

"Don't interrupt my monologue! That's the best part of being a villian!"