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>>15594722

I had fun reading it, I felt the text flowed well for the most part, a notable exception is when you detailed a character's exact movement along with what they said (She looked at her canteen. [she says something] She looked at the window), but I think this only happened two times.

The characters stayed decidedly consistent, anything unexpected could be at least roughly fitted into their personality.

It was nice of them to not take their share of delicious pies on the journey.

 

I didn't expect Boss to be so cold to his brother when discussing their mother, but I suppose it was within her bounds. Maybe she's still sensitive about the topic.

 

Q: If they knew what the overmare is like in the morning, why didn't they make her tea before she arrived? A: because she likes making it herself, I venture to guess. Emphasis guess.

 

I don't understand why Books warned Boss about the missing food when he works in a teaching position.

 

While it's completely acceptable, being able to clop to porn on a computer still felt a bit high-tech to me when most tech only does character and vector-based display. It was a really fun bit, I liked it, so don't you dare touch it.

 

Time slow/stop SATS is problematic, but I'll not get into that now.

 

The reasoning for leaving the Stable this time felt a bit weak. They knew that someone opened and closed the door without any damage happening inside before, so they could have slowly progressed outwards with caution and sensors. Especially since some ponies were even up for that.

 

The mention of the Fallout 1/2-like Overmare turret was great. Those things are badass. Also felt a bit like foreshadowing.

 

Why did they send the LEADERS of all people outside when the reason for not wanting to send people was that they needed to keep things in the Stable in order? It would have made much more sense to send low-ranking people. That being said, sending high-ranking ponies serves the story better.

 

I despise Chuckles in part for his design (I hate clowns, they are just awful stupid things), and in part because he reminds me of that character from Simpsons I hate. On the positive side, it helped me sympathize with Boss.

 

>“Ugh...” said the Voice of Truth. “Ever have that feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night and go ‘wow, I really need to take a piss’? I think we all have.

This line was lovely, meaningful and deep.

 

>A full round, twelve shots.

I guess "round" is a mistake or metaphor of sorts here.

 

I just don't understand why no one stood guard while they were sleeping. Not even the super alert security commander. I feel like Boss should have at least noted in retrospect that it was stupid not to do so or something, because it really is inexcusable for the crew.

 

>“I don’t know!” Boss snapped. “I brought you along because you were supposed to be smart!”

>“I brought you along with me because you’re supposed to be smart!”

I feel like this is a copy paste mistake.

 

The flying raider not shooting Boss with his machine gun when he had the chance, once on ground, felt kinda cheap. It can be put on the tab of drugs, but it's still kinda cheap.

 

It actually surprised me that both her companions died so soon. Also a bit that they went on after one of them was killed. Thought they would go back, create an antidote, and tell everyone how crappy it is that even lead security died, but hey, they thought otherwise.

 

Some additional derpage:

 

>Staunch passed the grenade over to her as the Voice of Truth chimed in her earbuds.

You never wrote that she switched radio channels, it was a bit confusing.

 

>She searched her bag. Armor-piercing bullets!

Just to note, her finding could be also have been revealed the moment she uses it. I guess these two ways are dramatically different, and work best in different situations.

 

The timer thing is intriguing (wait, did 3 days really pass already?), but I feel like listing Boss's stats in chapter 1 just makes her appear flatter as a character and spoils some of the surprises she might have - I think it's preferable to learn about her as we go (the same way perks at the end of chapters usually emphasize a change or experience the character went through). It also makes her seem like a sexy genius which is probably not what you were going for.