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By: a guest on Jun 18th, 2012  |  syntax: None  |  size: 6.54 KB  |  hits: 83  |  expires: Never
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  1. >You are a Mongol
  2. >You herd fluffy ponies
  3. >You are the weakest person of the weakest clan of the weakest tribe
  4. >People shit on you every day
  5. >Doesn’t help at all that you don’t have a real horse
  6. >Just a retarded ball of fluff
  7. >Every day is the same
  8. >Wake up in powder pink yurt
  9. >Mother makes breakfast, looks at you wondering what went wrong
  10. >You begin your work herding fluffy ponies
  11. >At least they’re easy to move around, all you need is a little “sowwy stick” and you just have to nudge them
  12. >You watch them graze on the grass, sometimes they say “wan sketti!”
  13. >That ain’t Mongolian the last time you checked
  14. >Sometimes they shout “baww!” and play with a goat bladder you inflated for them
  15. >They look happy, and you’ve got to admit they’re quite adorable
  16. >Sometimes a fox comes and eats some of them
  17. >If you admitted it the clan will disown you but you are kind of sad when they die
  18. >Which is quite often
  19. >They shit all over the place
  20. >So do you, on the steppes there are no toilets
  21. >You take one aside for the daily ritual sacrifice to Tengrii
  22. >You’re about to slit its stomach to offer its entrails to the sky god
  23. >Some shithead rides his horse through your herd of fluffy ponies, trampling a bloody pastel-colored path through them
  24. >You sigh as he rides off guffawing, there’s nothing you can do but move the mess of fur and intestines away before it starts to rot
  25. >Fucking Otgonbayar, he is the worst of the bullies
  26. >They fuck like rabbits, the ponies will repopulate in no time
  27. >You see one snapping at Otgonbayar as he rides off, however
  28. >You get an idea
  29. >Forget about the sacrifice this is more important
  30. >You fence off a little pen, enough for maybe a dozen ponies
  31. >You take the feisty fluffy, it’s a male
  32. >Parting the fluff on its forehead you see a little horn
  33. >You take some female ponies, drop them in the pen
  34. >That night nobody in your yurt sleeps
  35. >Your mother is kept awake by the fluffy pones going “eenf eenf”
  36. >You, however, can hardly contain your laughter
  37. >Next morning you go to your fluffy pony corral happier than ever
  38. >A ton of baby fluffies, just as expected
  39. >You release them into the corral
  40. >They’re aggressive
  41. >Just as expected ::::---DDDDDD
  42. >Weeks pass
  43. >Time to pack up the yurt and move to summer pastures
  44. >Otgonbayar pays a visit
  45. >He starts teasing you, calls you a faggot
  46. >You whistle for your fluffy ponies, like you always do when it’s time to leave
  47. >As they congregate, Otgonbayar clocks you right across the face
  48. >Fluffy ponies fly into a rage and dogpile him
  49. >They try to trample him to death but he sinks into the fluff
  50. >Various limbs are absorbed by various fluffy ponies
  51. >He screams as he is slowly torn apart and realizes he cannot escape his fate
  52. >The fluffy ponies are suitably traumatized but they can’t break away
  53. >The screaming stops and the blob falls apart, the fluffy ponies slightly bigger than before
  54. >That wasn’t what you were going for at all but okay
  55. >The fluffy ponies forget all about what just happened, they’re that stupid
  56. >The entire village saw what happened
  57. >You walk up to Otgonbayar’s horse
  58. >Take it as a prize
  59. >You walk up to his new widow
  60. >You claim her as yours
  61. >You feel alpha as fuck
  62. >You lose your virginity that night over the lamentations of the village women and the tears of your concubine
  63. >Several years pass
  64. >The old khan has died in his sleep, and the khurultai is called to determine the next khan
  65. >You decide to go and represent your clan
  66. >You bring your fluffy ponies along
  67. >When you arrive at the khurultai everyone looks at you funny
  68. >Bitches don’t know your swagger
  69. >As the great khural convenes you nominate yourself as the next khan
  70. >A chieftain challenges you to a duel, he is dishonored that someone like you would dare pretend to be the next khan of the Mongols
  71. >He draws his sword, you whistle for your fluffy ponies
  72. >The ground shakes, and the fluffy ponies flood through the entrance of the tent and smother your opponent
  73. >His pained bellows fill the yurt and the entire camp
  74. >The high elders watch as his body is rent limb by limb, hearing the cracks of the bones and the squelch of the organs
  75. >Needless to say the vote is unanimous, you are the great khan
  76. >The melodies of xhoomei throat-singing fill the air as they celebrate your feats and your hellspawn fluffy ponies
  77. >You gather the horde to invade the Chinese to the south
  78. >You personally command a tumen of ten thousand fluffy ponies
  79. >The horde breaches the Great Wall easily and soon reaches the imperial capital
  80. >You have the eunuchs beheaded and their heads placed on pikes, and you take much plunder as the Forbidden City burns and the emperor grovels in submission, begging you to not feed him to the fluffy ponies
  81. >You feed him to the fluffy ponies anyway, and his death-screams join the chorus of dying Chinamen
  82. >Tales of horror about the adorable death machines percolate across the Silk Road
  83. >”Wan pway!” is enough to make most break out in sweat, some commit suicide when they see a fluffy pony so they may have some control over how they die
  84. >You embark on a quest to unite the world under Tengrii
  85. >Your ever-victorious armies of fluffy ponies destroy all those who resist while you pillage their churches and rape their women
  86. >You still use your pink yurt, but you have created a throne for yourself from the gilded bones of deceased fluffy ponies, and you keep a gallery of the skulls of important people you’ve killed
  87. >You have seen things no man has seen before
  88. >The Persian king threw himself at your feet, even offering to fellate you if you would spare him
  89. >You do, but he now cleans fluffy pony shit all day
  90. >A Byzantine legion literally melted under the assault of the fluffy ponies, as wave after wave absorbed footman and cataphract alike while squealing “no wan pointy stick! owwie!” and “why scweam?”
  91. >Fluffy ponies formed a ramp against the walls of Constantinople and poured into the city, which burned to the ground
  92. >When you conquered Italy you finally got what “sketti” meant
  93. >As fluffy ponies quartered the Pope and his cardinals you saw some other ponies eating noodles out of a boiling pot
  94. >They knocked it over and died
  95. >You enslave the entire population of Naples and make them do nothing but make spaghetti for the fluffy ponies
  96. >A few more years pass
  97. >You are the most powerful man on earth
  98. >You rule almost the entirety of the known world
  99. >Otgonbayar’s family is in eternal servitude to you
  100. >All thanks to your adorable fluffy ponies
  101. >You have made it to the Atlantic
  102. >The King of Portugal is dead, there is nobody to resist the Mongol Horde
  103. >You look at your fluffy ponies, then look over the ocean
  104. >A fluffy pony falls in
  105. >Fluffy pony drowns
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