The Illiork

        THE ILLIORK- as told by smartboy Zigrod

 

        We wuz juss boyz then.

        Warboss Skullkracka Jonez had deklared war on the 'umie planet of Farstrike, seein as it wuz the only one close enuff to fight. we hit 'em 'ard, smashin through the orbital defenses and hittin 'em on the ground. We wuz winnin too, but then the reinforsments showed up. 'umies came outa the warp, and started blowin up our ships. but our spaceboyz gave as good as they got, an pretty soon it wuz the fight that Skullkracka promised it wud be. 'Umies started to make it to the ground, an fight reel 'ard too. In a few weeks, we wuz lookin at maybe not winnin anymore.

        We wuz orderd to attack the capitul. it wuz to be the biggest fight ov em all, wiff every available boy attacking at once. Skullkracka wuz a kunnin git, that wuz fer sure, and he had plannd this attack for dayz. he said that iff we won this un, we'd win the whole planet.

        Our job wuz to attack the back of the city, take out the factory districkt as a distrakshun, an meet up wiff da main force.

        An' me? I wuz just the smartboy at da center of it all.

        I wuz in deffkilla skawd, da meenist of the mobz, led by Boss Busta. Busta wuz ded big an' ded killy, but he wernt partikularly kleva. Dat wuz why he kept me around, cuz I cud figure things out that otherz cuddnt, like trajectory, bullet drop, an' other 'ead-'urty things.

        kurrently, we wuz speedin up the hill behind the capitul, tossin around in a trukk piloted by a speedfeak that aimed for every hole an' rock, tryin to get his trukk of the ground. Our attack wuz supposed to be sneeky, so Skullkracka only sent three trukks, but 'e wanted lotsa boyz too, so each trukk wuz stuffed fulla boyz. All twunty of deffkilla was sittin teef ta toenails in da back of the trukk wen the first trukk made it to the top of the hill. One moment it wuz there, the next it wuz twisted metal an' burnin orks.

        Naturally, the speedfreak in our trukk gunned the engine, wantin to get over the hill an see wut blew up the other trukk as soon as possibul. He laffed as we passed the wreck, and I must admit it wuz amusin how them boyz wuz on fire.

        Sure enuff, the 'umies were waitin fer us. two of their big tanks wuz sittin behind trenches full of 'umies, there gunz shootin little red lights at us.

        a big *Boom! an' the other trukk exploded too, the 'umie tanks blastin away at us as we came screamin down the hill.

        "Rahahaha!! Dis is it boyz! let um have it!" Shouted Boss, as he started blastin away from the trukk's big shoota. He fired off a massive stream of bullets at the trench, an eevn managed ta kill one of the 'umies.

        The rest of the boyz roared in agreement, an started firin off at the 'umie lines. The speedfreak roared with laffter as the trukk jerked to the side, barely avoiding another exploshun from the tanks.

        An' before you could say 'big teef', our trukk flew into the trench, squashin three more 'umies. The Speedfreak's 'ead smashed into his steery stick, killin him in a mighty funny way.

        We hopped out an started smashin 'umies left  an' right, wiff the tanks now unwillin ta fire at us, cuz they might hit there own guyz. Stoopid 'umies.

        "Sir! We need ta take out those tanks right quick!" I yelled at Boss as I filled a 'umie fulla rounds from my slugga.

        "Right!" He shouted back as he took off a 'umie's 'ead wiff his power klaw. "Rodja! Kahn! Get ta killin dem tanks!"

        "Right, boss!" Rodja and Kahn shouted together, as they grabbed ther rokkit launchas outa the trukk.

         Tankbusta drop outs, and the skwad's 'eavy weapons experts, Rodja and Kahn loved ta kill big things. An' they wuz good at it, too.

        It took eight rokkits, six of wich missed, but the first tank blew up reel good. Rodja laffed as Kahn's hand wuz ripped from shrapnel.

        Kahn forced the pieces of his hand back together and wrapped it in a rag, then grabbed a bag of stikk bombs and ran towards the second tank. He chuckled as a 'umie came outa the top ta try an kill him with a puny 'umie gun.

        "Catch!" He yelled at he tossed a stikk bomb at him.

        I wish you cudda seen this 'umie's face as Kahn's stikk bomb bounced off his chest an fell into the tank. It wuz almost as good as watchin him get blown ta little pieces the next moment.

        After the tanks wuz gone, the 'umies died right quick.

        "Deffkilla Skwad, Form up!" Boss yelled as he tore the greatcoat off a ded 'umie.

        "Where's Zigrod?" He barked as he pulled the greatcoat on, barely fitting over his impressive physique.

        "'Ere, sir!" I sounded off as I snapped a salute. Boss always ran a tight mob, an' never let boyz get outa line.

        "Right. Zigrod, we lost our trukk, an' we're the only skwad left. 'Ow do we komplete our mishun?"

        I pulled at my ear as I crunched the numbers. twunny boyz, against a whole city. No trukks, but enuff ammo to take out a lot of 'umies... In the end, I said Zog it all.

        "We'll hafta go through that waste pipe, but that shud bring us right into the factories.       from there, we can take em out, and wait fer the main force to come through."

        Boss thought about it fer as long as he could. in the end, he looked at the city and nodded.

        "Hurhurhur, the 'umies will never know wut hit em. Boyz! Grab whatever's worth gettin, an meet us at the pipe!"

        The capitul was big, an' ded shooty. it had walls that went up half as tall as a gargant, an gunz poked outa every hole. The back wall didn't hav as many gunz, which probubly why the tanks were back there. What gunz they did have blasted at us, but we'z fasta then that, an made it to the waste pipe an' didnt looz a man. Rodja tied a coupla stikkbombs to the gate, an' befor you knew it, we wuz in the pipe, sloggin through the wet dark.

X      

Wen the pipe ended, we blew through the top an' came out in da streets. Sure enuff, big square factories were all around us. But so wuz the 'umies.

        "Zoggin' 'Eck!" Boss yelled as 'umies blasted at us while we ran to the first factory.

        "Zigrod! Why iz all these 'umies 'ere!" Boss yelled as he grabbed me 'ead wiff his power klaw.

        "Sir, I fink there might be a problem wiff the main attack!" I wheezed.

        Boss scratched his 'ead fer a minute, as the boyz laid down a lot of dakka. "Right. Get me high kommand! I wanna talk to da boss in charge of operayshuns."

        "Boss, I'ma need one of 'em 'umie commpacks to do it."

        "Right! Boys! KILL EM ALL! WAAAAGH!" And wiff dat, he let me go and charged towards the 'umies.

        The boyz followed too, spittin dakka evrywhere. We get to the first 'umies an tore em ta pieces. Rodja and Kahn blasted at them wiff rokkits, Gorbog got right in front of dem and dakka'd em wiff his big shoota, and Boss krushed em wiff his claw. I eevn got in there, and got a couple wiff me sluggas.

        Before we could kill more, a coupla those armored trukks that the 'umies used rolled up, and started blastin us. Four boyz wuz blown ta pieces from the front gunz as more 'umies poured outa the transports.

        "'Ere!" Boss barked as he threw a commpack into me chest. "Time ta run!" He grinned as we bolted for one of da factories, 'umies blastin dakka at us all the way.

        Drag and Gorbog slammed the doors behind us as we slid into the factory. Boyz broke out the windows an started shootin.

        "Zigrod! Get that kompak werkin!"  Boss yelled as he slapped me wiff his power klaw.

        "Yessir!" I spat as I inspeckted the pack. It wuz in werkin order, but the antenner was busted.

        "Sir! I can get kommand, but we gotta get on the roof!" I yelled over the dakka. The 'umie transports wuz movin down the street, blowin up the bildin we wuz in. Wiff the current amount of dakka, the bildin wuznt gonna stay up much longer. Boss must've thought the same thing.

        "Right! BOYZ! GIT REDDY TO LEAVE! I GOTTA MAKE A CALL, THEN WE'Z GETTIN THE ZOG OUTA HERE!" He shouted as he grabbed me and dragged me up the stairs as I tuned in High Kommand.

        We burst through the doors onto the roof in no time.

        "High Kommand! Dis is Deffkilla Skwad, wiff urgent mishun priorities!" I yelled into the comm.

        ...*Boom!...*PACT!...*BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!... 'What d'ya WANT!'

        Boss grabbed the comm and smacked me outa the way. "This is Boss Busta! Wut The Zoggin 'eck is goin on! You wuz supposed ta push through the city gates an hour ago!"

        *BOOM!*HISSSSSSSS...'Git off it Busta! We got our own fight ta worry a-'*BANG! 'aaagh...' 'Dis is Skullkracka Jonez. 'Ooz 'iss?'

        Boss snapped up straight. "Sir, Dis is Boss Busta, of Deffkilla Skwad. We'z infultrated the factorys an'-"

        'Yooz inside the city?'

        "Erm... Yessir. it wuz part of the seecret mishun? Yoo sent 3 trukks-"

        'I know wut I said! Listen- Abort mishun. Peramiters hav changed! I need yer boyz ta take out a power generaytor at the city gates. We can't come in til that Generaytor comes down, got it?'

        "Sir, that's on the other side of the city. Dere's gotta be a thousan' 'umies between us an' there, an' we aint gotta lotta boyz left-"

        'YOU GIT THAT GENERAYTOR DOWN, OR I'LL NAIL YA TO MY PERSONAL WAGON, AN' USE YOU AS A RAM!' *CLICK!.......

        "Yessir!" Boss snapped off a salute an' dropped the comm. He scratched his 'ead an' walked to the edge of the roof. The boyz were doin good, eevn took out one of em 'umie transports, but it wuznt gonna be long before they blew up the bildin.

        "Zigrod!" Boss barked.

        "Yessir!" I answered, runnin to the edge wiff him.

        "Ow do we take out a generaytor?" He asked, snarling across the city at the distant gates.

        I pulled my ear and thought. "We could pry off sum of the panels, an' throw a stikk bomb in dere. That shud do it, sir."

        Boss nodded slowly, still lookin at the gates. Then, he looked down at the 'umies below, an' smiled.

        "Right! Git down there, an' tell them boyz ta kill those 'umies, an meet me in da streets!"

        "Yessir! But, cud you tell them yer-" I wuz cut short as Boss jumped off the roof, screamin' down towards the 'umies below.

        I ducked back down the door an' yelled at the boyz, but they'z already got the gyst of it, wut wiff da boss already tearin apart da 'humies outside. Before we cud even get in da street, Boss wuz on top of da last transport, rippin the top off wiff his klaw an' blastin the inside wiff his shoota.

        Me an the rest of the boyz made it out juss in time, as the bildin started ta come down. It wuz a bootiful sight ta see.

        "Zigrod!" Boss howled from inside of da transport, as he started pullin out parts of the ded 'umies inside.

        "'Ere sir!" I sounded off as I climbed on top of the transport.

        "Explane da new mishun peramiters to the boyz!" He shouted, tossin out 'alf a 'umie.

        "Right!" An' I porseeded to tell the boyz about the generaytor.

        Before long, Boss reappeared from the top of the transport.

        "Good, now get in here an' drive this fing!"

        "Right away sir!" I grinned. Boss always gave me the best jobs.

        "Everyone else," Boss shouted. "Get in the back!" He shouted as he yanked down the back ramp. The boyz roared approval an' smashed there way inside.

        "Gorbog! man the top gun!" Boss shouted, pointin to the big gun up top. "Drag! You still got that Burna?"

        "Sure do boss!"

        "Then stick to the back, an burn anyfing ya see!"

        "Right!"

        It took me a moment to konvert tha systems to somethin more familiar, but before long we wuz rollin down the streets, headin fer the gates.

        X

        "Incomin!" I shouted. The rokkit hit the front armor, causin a lotta noise, but no major damage. We'd been drivin towards the gates fer about twunny minuts, an the 'umies wuz throwin everyfing at us.

        Gorbog blasted the 'umie rokkit team from the second story of the bildin, killin them in a big exploshun.

        "Zigrod!" Boss shouted as he loosed more dakka from his shoota at the 'umies. "How much ferther to the gates?!"

        "shuddnt be far, sir!" I shouted back. Another burst of fire from Drag shot out the back, killin the 'umies tryin ta race up behind us.

        We turned the corner, an' rammed straight into a pile of rocks.

        "ZIGROOOOD!!!!" Boss roared. He grabbed the back of my neck wiff his power klaw an' dragged me up top.

        "What's that!" He growled, pointin wiff his shoota at the pile.

        "Roadblock sir!"

        "Get us movin again!"

        "Can't, sir."

        "WUT?!"

        "Can't. This rubble's too big to push past, an' we can't move it wiffout losses." A stray shot blastin the transport armor by my hand. "We'll hafta continue on foot sir."

        "ZOG!" He yelled, as he threw me into the street. "Boyz! Get out! stick to the bildins fer cover!"

        I picked myself up an' felt a hole burn straight through my left ear. "AGH!" I yelped as I ran towards the nearest bildin.

        Unfortunately, Boss an' the rest of Deffkilla ran across the road to the opposite bildin, leavin me behind. Before they cud move forward, A buncha shots blasted a coupla boyz off there feet, pinnin the skwad in place, sprayin dakka evrywhere. I quickly noted from the tradjecktory of the shots, that the shooters where juss above me, an' I moved ta kill em quick.

        I climbed the stairs an' came up behind two 'umies, each wiff a long gun. I had seen em before, super ackerate 'rifles' that can blast a boyz' 'ead off his shoulders from across the battlefield. I drew both my sluggas an' filled them 'umies wiff dakka.

        "ZIGROD! Zoggin 'eck, ZIGROD IZ YOU STILL ALIVE?!" Boss bellowed.

        "YESSIR!" I shouted across the now quiet streets. I holstered my sluggas an' grabbed one of the 'umies' rifles before climbin back down the bildin.

        "Right. 'Ooz still 'ere?" Boss growled.

        "We got you an' me, boss, an' Grog, An' Kahn, an' Rodja, an' Gorbog, an' drag, an' Drick, an'-"

        "Right. Zigrod! How many boyz we got left?"

        "13, sir!"

        "Right. an' how much further to the gate?"

        "About a block, sir."

        "Right. Let's git there, an'.... An'... An'..." Boss's concentrayshun wuz drowned out by a buzzin noise growin louder. We all looked up.

        Fallin outa the sky came one of the 'umie flyers, 'eaded right for us.

        "Back inside!" Boss shouted as the flyer started shootin. Two boyz were too slow, an' were gunned down in the streets.

        "RODJA! KAHN! KILL THAT FLYER!" Boss yelled over all the noise.

        "CAN'T BOSS! OUTA ROKKITS!" They yelled back.

        "ZIGROD!"

        I pulled on my ear, an' felt the new little hole in it. 'Umie flyers were ded killy, an' really 'ard ta kill, but they'z still piloted by 'umies... Iff'n only We cud punch threw the cockpit...

        I scratched my chin wiff the barrel of the rifle, then stopped.

        "SIR! I'M ON IT!" I shouted, runnin into the street.

        I dove fer the ground, an looked through the rifle's aimy-piece. But it wuz too late. 'Umies wuz pourin out the back of the flyer, an' one of them saw me, took aim...

        An' wuz blown away by dakka.

        "GIT HIM SOME ZOGGIN' COVERIN FIRE YOU ZOGGIN' GITS!" Boss roared as he blasted away wiff his shoota.

        Quicker 'n you cud say 'burnin' squig', Gorbog an' Drag were next ta me, spittin dakka an fire at the 'umies. I carefully looked through the aimy-piece again, an' blasted at the 'umie flyin.

        After several shots, I blew the pilot away, an' down came the flyer, fallin right on the 'umies. It wuz a bootyful sight ta see.

        "ZIGROD YOU DUMB GIT! IF YOU DIE, I GOTSTA FIND ME A NEW SMARTBOY, AN I AIN'T DOIN THAT AGAIN!" Boss roared as he picked me up wiff his powerklaw.

        "Apologeez, boss, but I had ta kill that flyer."

        "DO IT AGAIN WIFFOUT MY ORDERS, AN' I'LL KLIP YA IN HALF!"

        "Right, sir. Sorry sir."

        "Right!" Boss addressed the skwad as he dropped me. "Let's get to that generaytor, an' get those zoggin gates open!"

X

        We made it to the gates in short time after that, the sounds of the battle rattlin' yer teef outa yer mouth. Sure enuff, next to the gates wuz a short little bildin, wiff all sorts of power lines comin outa it. Them 'umies wuz sure surprised ta see orks sneakin up behind 'em wen we got there.

        Inside, we gathered around the generaytor an' tryed to figgure out what to do.

        "Zigrod! What now?"

        "Right, sir. Now we need-"

        "'Umies comin in boss!" Gorbog shouted as he fired off his big shoota.

        "How many?"

        "TONS!" Drag roared back as he shot fire out the doorway.

        "Rrraaagh! BOYZ! MAN THE PERIMITER!"

        The boyz shouted as they ran outside to kill 'umies.

        "Zigrod! We need this generaytor down, now!"

        "Sir, I need you to rip these plates off!" I pointed to the panels.

        The boss puffed an' sweated as he went ta werk, his power klaw hissin' as it was pushed. But the Boss is two things- ded big, an' ded killy, an' he had the panels off in no time.

        "BOSS! TANKS IN COMIN'!" Rodja shouted.

        "Arrrgh... Zigrod! 'Ere!" Boss said, tossin me a stikk bomb. "I gotta kill me some 'umies." Boss ran out, laffin as massive exploshuns began to rock the area.

        I turned back to the generaytor. There wuz only one way this wuz gonna werk, so i slung the rifle on me back, jammed the stikk bomb in place, pulled the pin an' ran to the corner of the room, stuffin my fingers in my ears.

        I waited.... An'.... Nothin. The stikk wuz a dud. Meenwhile, the exploshuns outside grew louder.

        I ran over to the bomb, tryin ta think. A dud stikk juss means the firin mekinism didnt werk, meanin the bomb wud still go off, if only there wuz a way to detonate it...

        "THEY GOT BOSS!" Someone shouted outside.

        I drew my best slugga, skrewed my eyes shut, sent a prayer to Gork, an' shot the bomb.

X      

        Wind wuz rushin past me, an' I opened my eyes. I wuz flyin backwards over the wall, lookin down on the exploded generaytor. On the outside of the wall, orks rushed toward the giant hole in the wall left by the blown up generaytor. on the inside of the wall, ded 'umies were evrywhere, but no sign of Deffkilla. Before I could look 'arder, I was fallin an' before too long I hit the ground. 'Ard.

        When I woke up, I wuz lyin outside the city, an' it wuz almost dark. Evryfing wuz quiet, an' all I thought about wuz Deffkilla skwad. I ran across the field, an' as I got closer to the wall, I cud 'ear noise. I ran in threw the hole left by the generaytor, an' found the city on fire.

        Orks wuz evrywhere, drinkin an' shootin an' yellin- generully juss havin a good time. Skullkracka an' his nobz wuz there, shootin the 'umies we'd rounded up after the battle. I 'eard a rumble comin from behind me, an' turned around, both sluggas drawn.

        One of 'em big 'umie tanks rolled up to me, Boss sittin across the cannon. His greatcoat wuz covered in blood, an' he wuz missin his right arm, but he wuz grinnin at me. Wiff his left hand he lit the fungal cigar that wuz clamped between his teef, an' threw the match behind him.

        "Zigrod! I thought I 'ad to find another smartboy! Glad tuh see that I don't after all!" He snorted as he helped me up onto the tank.

        "Deffkilla's inside. We've been goin around the city blowin stuff up, an' lookin fer you. Most of the boyz got ded real kwick wen these tanks rolled up, so it's juss you, an' me, an' Rodja, an' Kahn, an' Gorbog, an' Drag fer a while, til we get reinforsd, that is."

        Boss took a long draw on his cigar, an' stared at the burnin city.

        "Did we win, Boss?" I said, my brain still spinnin from hittin the ground too ‘ard.

        Boss smiled. "'At we did, Zigrod. 'At we did."