Suffering is Elsa by Dominy

Just had an absolutely massive blowout with my sister.

>Like, nuclear war-level sisters fighting. Yelling, swearing, throwing things. The works.

>It might even have descended into an actually physical confrontation if our father hadn't stepped between us.

>He suggests that I go with him on a drive in that 'I'm-simply-suggesting-the-idea-but-you-have-no-choice' sort of way.

>We get into the car and he starts about how unusual this is for the two of us and how we used to be really close and how we're too old to be fighting so childishly, blah blah blah.

>He sort of figured out that I wasn't interested in the speech, and said his final words about it with a grunt, but let it drop.

>I have to admit it but he's right. Usually I'm just hold up in my room, on my computer quietly ignoring my family, especially my baby sister for...complicated reasons.

>We used to be best friends, but for the same reasons, we've drifted apart steadily throughout the years. We're essentially strangers in the same house now.

>That sort of came to a head tonight when I passed her in the hall on the way back to my bedroom.

>I put on my best pleasant smile, trying to just acknowledge her presence then scurry by but she had other ideas.

>She approaches me with a DVD in hand and says "Hey E I got this superhero movie, do you want to watch it with me?"

>spaghettipockets.gif

>"I, uh, no." it came out much more abruptly and I guess harshly than I'd intended and she looked hurt. Damage control time.

 

>"Well - what I mean is, I-I already saw it...and it was bad. So I don't - I don't care to see it again." just this small bit of blustering has left my chest pounding and my face hot. I attempt to slip by her again, but A - again - had other ideas.

>Very angry ideas.

>A grabs my upper arm, and glares me down.

>My first reaction is to try and jerk away, but holy shit she's gotten like Hulk strong since the last time we had a real fight.

>"What the fuck, E?! I go out, and I buy this - this STUPID caped crusader movie that I don't even like JUST to spend time with you, and I don't even get so much as a 'Thanks A' for the effort?!"

>I've never been very good at controlling my emotions, and my fight-or-flight is starting to kick into overdrive and since she's got her Mr. Universe grip on my arm I get mad in return.

>"Who says I even want to spend time with you?" and I shove her with my free arm.

>Anger and adrenaline can make you say fucked up things you don't mean.

>I've always felt bad about how fucked up things have gotten between A and I, but I've never really known how to approach it, so I've just sort of, let it go, for the time being.

>I will spare you the gory details, but I will say by the end, she was red-faced and crying.

>In the car, Dad's trying his best to avoid the inevitable awkward silence by talking about nothing, with me giving him one word replies or some kind of affirmative grunt.

>feelsrealbadman.png.jpg

 

>The guilt is starting to make my chest knot up, and all this conversation about nothing is just starting to frustrate me.

>All of a sudden I can't stand it anymore, and all the anger, regrets, and frustration just come poring out and I starting bawling like a little bitch.

>I feel like screaming but comes out choked by the sobs and dad pulls over into some empty parking lot.

>He's never been a very expressive or emotional parent, but he's always tried to be a good father.

>He tentatively rubs my shoulder.

>It's not especially comforting, but points for trying I guess.

>"I-I never meant to-to let things get this bad between A a-and I. I want to f-fix things but I don't k-know how! I don't know how and it scares me."

>Another wave of sobbing

>liedowntrynottocrycryalot.jifpg

>"E, have you tried just talking to A?"

>I manage to gulp down the crying just long enough to manage a coherent response "W-we're not little kids a-anymore. I d-don't even know what she's i-into. Every time I try, it feels like th-there's this gap that j-just keeps getting bigger, and I don't know how to g-get across."

>Putting my head into my arms I put my face toward the dash and moan petulantly "This isn't fair. I never asked for this."

>My dad didn't speak for a long moment, I assume trying to process all this raw emotion and construct as sensitive and diplomatic an answer as possible. "E. Is there something you're not telling me?" I can hear his frown. Truth time. No more avoiding it.

 

>Like some kind of parental spidey-sense, he can tell that I'm not I'm lying, or at the very least leaving out everything that matters.

>I have to grip my upper arms hard, and will myself to sit up in the seat. I begin to speak, but the words catch in my throat.

>This is the day I've been dreading since I first realized that I'm gay.

>If this wasn't terrible enough, the person who made me realize my...peculiarity was my sister, A.

>So, not only am I a lesbian, but my lesbian crush is my sister.

>Like I said, complicated reasons.

>I'm not exactly sure what it was that first turned me onto her, but I do remember the moment I realized. It was like this giddy sort of warmth that spread and fulled up my whole chest like nothing else had, or has since.

>It was like soaring on butterflies.

>Then crashing back down onto hard, cold ice as I realized that these feelings were never going to be returned in the way I wanted.

>So I selfishly just started withdrawing from her because I couldn't bear how much it hurt that I enjoyed her company so much and for all the wrong reasons.

>I never stopped to consider what that would have done to her.

>Deciding that the whole, absolute truth would just cause even more problems, I decide to give him only a little bit more.

>"Dad I..." my jaw clenches up around the words and I have to will myself forward, summoning up the courage from the adrenaline still pumping in my veins.

>"Dad I'm gay."

 

>I close my eyes and wait for the shitstorm to descend, but there's only silence.

>Oppressive, stifling silence that rages offensively in every one of my senses. My tongue tastes of bile, my limbs start to feel cold, and my head throbs in the anticipation, and the first thing to pierce ringing in my ears is his sigh.

>It is disappointed, and ever so bitter but it rings of a sort of relief "I have had my... suspicions about this for a long time now. I'm sure your mother does too, although she's never brought it up to me."

>I have successfully thrown the scent off of my incestuous fantasies about my baby sister by breaking my father's heart.

>nice.wmv

>My internal monologue is interrupted by his question "So how long have you...known?"

>It's rather plain on his face that he's struggling with this, but he's trying hard to accept it.

>tryingnottocryagain.

>"Uh..." my head is somewhat blank as relief starts to return the warmth to some of my body "I mean, uh, years. Like, since freshman year of high school." the hurt look on his face sends icy daggers into my stomach, the explanation sounding accusatory as I replay it in my head.

>Fuck why am I so bad at being a well adjusted person? "Sorry - I didn't mean it like that dad."

>My chest begins to knot up again and I can feel the tears burning at the corners of my eyes.

>Any attempts to suppress them fail as they roll unbidden down my cheeks.

>And then he pulls me into a hug that squeezes out all my breath.

 

>For the first time in I can't even remember when, I hug my father with real feeling.

>For what feels like forever, we sit like that, embraced as I cry out of relief into his shoulder.

>He smiles bittersweetly as he pulls away, cupping my my cheek, and I feel like I might just start crying more bitch tears.

>Thankfully it seems like I am physically unable to sustain any more tear production, which I'm silently thankful for.

>I look at my phone and see that we've been gone for for about 45 minutes "We should probably start heading back. Mom and A might be worried." and he nods, throwing the car into drive, we start back.

>He's silent for a long time again, but I'm too busy enjoying the feeling of the weight being lifted off my chest.

>"E, about this homosexuality... business." he's struggling to find a way to be sensitive and diplomatic again, which sets warning bells off in my head, and my chests begins to tighten again.

>"Yeah?" I begin guardedly "I think, for now - it'd be better to keep this from your mother and sister, at least until we come up with a way to break it to them gently."

>I don't know how to react to this. At first I feel incredulous at the notion, but slowly, my indignation bends to the realization that he's right. Mother's always been a religious person, and there's no way to gauge how Anna would react to this.

>Knowing her, she'd probably start crying too and accept it without a second thought, but there's always the chance..

 

>It's agony to wait for the ride to end, but eventually we pull into the driveway, and both exit the car.

>"Perhaps you should apologize to your sister." he suggests in that 'I'm-not-really-suggesting' tone again.

>We enter and mother's sitting at the table drinking coffee, and Anna's nowhere to be seen. She gets up to greet us, giving dad a kiss, and me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

>She grips my shoulders firmly and begins chiding "You go apologize to your sister. She was just trying to do something nice for you. I don't agree with how she reacted, but I expect better from you E." I nod and mutter somthing about 'going to right now.'

>I slip away from her grip and into the hall. I can hear the faint sounds of sobbing coming from A's bedroom, and my entire body feels like it's being crushed by ice.

>Quickly, I duck into my bedroom and get my laptop, which I stuff under my arm as I approach Anna's door.

>knock knock na-knock knock "A? Can I come in?"

>I can hear her quickly trying to stop herself from crying as she shuffles around to get to the door.

>"What do you want?" she demands bitterly, disarming what I had prepared immediately, leaving me standing somewhat sheepishly in the threshold of the door.

>"I - look, A, I just um -" sucking in a sharp deep breath, I force it all out in one quick swoop "LookI'msorry about how I acted and stuff, I just don't know how to deal with things I do want to hang out. Do you want to watch a movie?"

 

>I can see her face contort as she tries desperately to stay angry at me, but eventually the anger melts away like snow in the red-headed freckle-cheeked sun.

>Elation pounds in my chest as she tosses her arms around me, probably fracturing my spine in her bear-like hug.

>My muscles have become spaghetti and my blood prego pasta sauce as I can do nothing but bask in how absolutely warm her hug is, her smell tantalizing my nose like the most gourmet chocolate.

>"Oh E, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said I just can't stand this distance anymore. You're my best friend, and that will never change. Of course I want to watch a movie." her words muffled as she cries joyously into my shoulder, while I can do nothing but robotically rub her back.

>A can't even turn off the waterworks while she drags a dumbfounded me into her room, shoving me onto her bed, following me shortly.

>In my mind the next few minutes to an hour wouldn't be allowed on a christian imageboard, but this is real life.

>She cuddles up next to me as I open the laptop and load-up a chickflick I know she wanted to see but never go the chance to before it left theaters.

>I pirated the dvdrip and planned on burning it to a disk, but this works too.

>Her head on my shoulder and arms around my waist, my chest begins to ache with a dull emptiness.

>I will never have exactly what I want, but this will have to do.

>The ride will never end for me.