BoS Paladin in Equestria

>You groan, slowly regaining consciousness in your stiff power armor

>fuck that was a big explosion, those NCR shitholes should be taken care of though

>shouldn't be so cocky with the explosives next time though

>reboot your armor's systems, amplified hearing and vision comes back online, something's off

>this isn't the mojave

>this isn't even a wasteland

>you get up quickly, looking around to see any sign of who brought you here, but there is nothing but a forest to your back and a lush valley spreading out below you

>off in the distance, you see what looks like a town and a huge farm

>is that a fucking castle on the side of a mountain

>begin walking towards the town, notice all the signs of civilization, but really weird-like

>everything's fucking tiny

>radar picks up some movement, it's green but you ready your rifle anyway

>there's a tiny horse kicking trees. it's got a hat on.

>you've seen weirder shit in the wasteland

>continue on into town, it's practically empty

>what the actual fuck is with this place

>everything is scaled down and covered with heart motifs

>hope this isn't some elaborate joke

>radar picks up more movement around you, looks like there's people hiding in the buildings

>you peer through the window

>the house is full of tiny cowering horses

>they're colored like someone spat up a rainbow

>the local wildlife looks harmless, but if they're infesting these abandoned houses then there's no point pissing them off

>sun's going down, you decide to forage for some food and set up camp

>all this abandoned food in the market is fresh, no rads

>pass it off as just some more weird shit

>take your haul back to where you woke up and make camp

>what a weird day

Fuck it, I'll just continue here.

 

>>16492823

>you wake up once again, sun streaming through the slits in your visor

>back cracks like mad, god fucking dammit do you hate sleeping in power armor

>only a few apples left for breakfast after last night, but anything's better than 200-year-old preservative cakes

>it dawns on you to check your suit radio for tactical chatter or maybe even a radio station

>jack-shit except for some weird-ass static

>decide to recon the area surrounding the town, maybe scavenge some more and see who lives in this place

>as you walk back down the road, you spot the tree-kicking horse

>before it can see you, you try ducking behind a tree to watch it

>fucking skinny-ass trees can't hide shit

>you retreat to behind a series of small barrels to watch the small horse

>it's collecting the apples that fall down into baskets and hauling them off

>again, trained horses aren't the weirdest thing you've seen

>you've never actually seen a horse though, come to think of it, aren't they all supposed to be dead?

>though in a world now populated by colossal scorpions and 10-foot-tall green men, maybe mutated horses aren't so improbable

>once it leaves your sight you begin walking back to town

 

>>16494531

>on the way to the town you try staying off the road so you don't spook any locals

>more than once you see one of the little horses along the road, sometimes hauling wagons, sometimes wearing clothes

>notice some of them have horns and others have wings

>maybe this is the remains of some weird-ass pre-war experiment

>briefly wonder how tiny mythical horses would have helped crush communism when you realize that pre-war shit is usually bad business

>still, better man the fuck up, it's the Brotherhood's business to make sure this kind of shit doesn't fall into the wrong hands

>you get to the outskirts of town, still no goddamn people

>something strikes you, though

>all these little horses look like they're talking to each other

>fucking seriously, there's a group nearby where one is saying things and the others are laughing at it

>what the actual fuck

>this is slowly beginning to top some of the shit you've seen in the wasteland

>focus, dammit. if this is a pre-war experiment, there's gotta be some facility nearby, but nothing here look scientific at all

>in fact, this whole fucking place looks like a goddamn fairytale.

>you decide that these buildings must be facades

>hell, maybe some of them contain missile silos or something

>yeah, that's gotta be it

>you decide you're going to have to begin searching the horse-infested houses

 

>after blundering through three different houses, you begin to suspect that maybe you're wrong

>there's nothing inside that you wouldn't expect to be inside a house, nothing at all.

>on top of that, one of the houses you walked into had more of those goddamn horses and they freaked out when they saw you stooped over in the doorway

>unless the facility is hidden underground, or-

>wait a minute, maybe it's that stupid castle thing

>you've heard stories of things like that before, like the sierra madre thing on that remote mountainside

>this isn't a comforting possibility at all, you think to yourself

>before you can deliberate further, you notice bars swarming on your HUD

>you move to the window to peek outside, see a whole damn herd of the horses gathered around the house

>one of them is gesturing animatedly towards the house with a hoof, talking to two floating armored horses

>two floating armored horses

>fucking christ, just throw this onto the shitpile of surprises, why not

>they start moving towards the house, you hope to fucking god they're not as tough as cazadors

 

>the native wildlife is beginning to look less and less harmless

>you decide to make a tactical retreat out the back door

>dodging the fuck out of there as you hear a door crash and indistinct voices shouting

>as you run back out of town, it seems like all the horses were congregated in there, the road's empty

>as you run back, you notice kicky horse again

>this time, it sees you and freezes stock still mid-kick

>shit, what if it tells the armored flying ones where you're going

>you decide to either scare it off or capture it

>as you clank your way over, it just keeps staring at you with those ridiculously huge eyes, staying absolutely frozen

>so much for spooking it

>you sling your rifle and pick up the orange horse with one arm

>she starts kicking and whinnying as you stow her under your arm

>heh, for as much as she's flailing, it's not hard to keep her secured

>the whinnying is getting annoying though so you mute your ear input

>blissful silence

 

>you finally return to your hillside camp

>little kicky calmed down after about 20 minutes straight of fighting, is now snoozing in the crook of your arm

>realize that you didn't have a chance to forage because you were getting the fuck out of town. your only option now is to go hunting.

>hunting means leaving kicky alone, but you figure that if it's gone by the time you return, you can always make camp elsewhere.

>you leave the last apple sitting in front of the sleeping horse, hoping that it'll be enticed into sticking around when it wakes up

>as you do, you notice that a picture of three apples has been tattooed onto its haunches

>what the actual fuck

>forget it, there's more pressing matters. the sun's about three hours away from setting, by the looks of things

>spend the next hour trying to be stealthy in the woods and end up scaring off all the game because you're a 6.5-foot-tall metal man

>about to give up when you come across the jackpot

>motherfucking chicken-snakes

>you've heard of the delicacy that is nightstalker tail and you figure if it's snake AND chicken, it must be even better

>before you can unsling your rifle, several of the chicken-snakes take notice of you, staring at you intensely

>what the fuck is it with the wildlife around here and staring

>as you bring your rifle to bear, you notice your armor getting heavier, like it's turning to stone

>none of the chicken-snakes even flinch as you roast them in their own skin with your laser rifle

>your armor starts to feel lighter as you sling the flock of roasted chicken-snakes over your shoulder by the legs

>dis gon be tasty

 

>little kicky has stuck around, by the looks of it, but doesn't seem too happy

>the small horse has eaten your offering of appeasement as planned but its body language remains tense

>fuck it, the thing can be cross if it wants to be, you've got chickensnake to chow down on

>as you start a small fire, you notice the horse staring in what looks like bewilderment at the stack of charred bird-things. maybe they're revered animals or maybe they're feared and now you look like a hero to it, but it doesn't really matter, you're ready to eat

>take off your helmet to eat

>shockingly, the air is cool enough to not make you wish for a nuclear winter

>as you tear into the chickensnake, little kicky starts looking at you in even greater bewilderment

>fucking hell, if these horses are intelligent, they sure never had anyone tell them it was rude to stare

>as you power through your third chickensnake, you think to yourself that maybe the horse wants one

>actually, what do horses eat anyway? nobody ever told you that in history class in the bunker

>fuck it, if it's like anything else in the wasteland, it loves meat.

>you offer a wing to the horse, shaking the meat in front of its giant eyes

>kicky sniffs it and recoils in what would be revulsion in any other sentient species

>whatever, more for you

>after gorging yourself on that delicious mutant meat, you set yourself up under a tree, with a few branches bundled together as a pillow

>you assume that little kicky's here to stay since it didn't gallop off when you went hunting, so sleeping should be fine.

>you nod off in your power armor. the last thing you see is kicky curled up, half asleep, peering at you through one half-lidded eye

 

>as you groggily open your eyes, you see a bunch of blurred shapes standing above you

>fuck, looks like little kicky got its friends while you were sleeping

>that little traitor bastard

>pretend like you're still waking up, don't make any sudden movements

>as you glance around out of the corner of your eye, it looks like you've attracted the entire fucking herd

>most of them are maintaining their distance though, except for the group right above you

>you begin to formulate a plan

>they're like 3.5 feet tall, there's nothing they can really do to hurt you

>they can probably outrun you though, especially in the power armor, so running away is probably out of the question

>maybe if you play dead/sleeping they'll leave you alone after a while

>if worse comes to worst, you can probably kick them away until they stop following.

>you decide to keep pretending to sleep until they lose interest

>wonder how long it will-

>fuckfuckfuck what the hell is going on

>you open your eyes wide to see yourself being lifted off the ground

>no ropes or anything though, just this weird purple aura enveloping your body

>jesus fucking christ, if this is some plasma incinerator thing, you're fucking toast

>shitshitshitshitshit

>you look around wildly as you start moving and notice a purple horse with the same aura floating around its horn

>shit son, they're actually fucking unicorns

>this rockets past the top of the "weird shit you've seen" list and enters orbit

>they're taking you back in the direction of town, you notice

>the herd of other horses now trails behind the leader group, much less afraid now that you've been restrained

>struggling doesn't do much, trying to move feels like you're wrapped head to toe in rubber bands

>this has got to be the pre-war experiment

>magnetic unicorns and flying horses; god fucking damn, those pre-war scientists must have been desperate to win the war.

>the horses walk much slower than you do, so you settle in for the long walk into town

 

>after fucking forever, you end up back in town

>by this point, most of the herd have lost interest and have dispersed slowly as they pass through town

>the remaining few take you into a giant tree with a bunch of windows and shit sticking out of it

>scratch that, there's a fucking library inside

>an entire fucking library inside this tree

>your ability to be surprised is slowly shriveling in this batshit-weird place

>purple horse sets you down on a table in the middle of the room

>god dammit, it dropped you a few inches from the floor, that fucking cunt

>get up as you rub your head and see little kicky and purplecunt talking to the armored flappy ones

>shit it's the fuzz

>...well, probably anyway, they've got armor and all the other little horses talked to them like they were authority figures

>you slowly try to distance yourself from them when you bump audibly into the bookshelf behind you, dislodging a few books

>you smile sheepishly as purplecunt gives you a death-glare

>she turns back to the guards and you quickly have to figure out a plan

>your helmet and rifle are missing, and all you've got is a laser pistol. you need to find them stat

>it's also pretty clear that these horses either are living in, sitting on top of, or themselves are, a treasure trove of pre-war tech

>you still need to find the source of this mess, like a bunker or lab or something, then get the fuck out of here.

>as you look for escape routes, you notice one of the books you dislodged

>shit, what the fuck kind of writing is this, it looks like someone had a seizure with a pen in their hand

>you reshelve it but as soon as you do, it slides out and slams into another spot on the shelf, wrapped in purple glow

>the look purplecunt is giving you could very well have been weaponized on its own

>you shudder to think what would happen if someone gave it a dose of psycho

>time to look for another escape route

 

>it seems like the little horses are not bothered by you wandering around, so you poke around other parts of the library, making sure not to piss off the purple one

>the upstairs has a big window, jackpot

>the fall looks like it won't hurt you, so you decide to risk it

>just as you've got one leg over the sill, you can feel yourself floating upwards

>god fucking dammit

>purplecunt takes you back downstairs, now holding you constantly aloft in the purple glow

>it's not letting you go this time

>they sure are taking their sweet time talking

>a plan slowly starts to coalesce

>they know about as much about you as you know about them, right? fair assumption there

>what if you freak them out and make them think you're in danger

>slowly you start to wriggle your whole body against the magnetic grasp, thrusting like a dolphin swims, making increasingly loud warbling noises

>that'll weird them out for sure

>the group starts to give you odd looks, a mixture of concern and fascination and revulsion

>purplecunt lets you down slowly, actually setting you down this time

>now's your chance

 

>you make a mad dash for the door, purposefully barreling into the purple one and snatching up little kicky

>you figure it'll be good to have a hostage

>as soon as you enter the square outside, you realize you have no fucking clue where you are

>this fucking town is built like a maze or something

>kicky is too shocked to struggle much as you trundle along, taking alley after alley in an attempt to lose them

>still, you are slowed down by the fact that you elected to take a hostage with you

>not enough to be overencumbered, thanks power armor

>the little horses just stare at you as you run down the street, orange one in hand

>that's fine by you, the more they stare the less they chase,

>you look behind you momentarily to see if you're still being chased

>shit, the flappy ones are quick as hell

>it's time to ditch your hostage

>you unceremoniously dump little kicky to the ground, letting you keep just ahead of the two armored fliers

>you make a sudden turn into an alley to throw off your pursuers

>one of them crashes into the building in a manner befitting an old 20th century comedy, but the other is a pretty sharp flier

>if you don't deal with this asshole fast, he's gonna get you

>unholster your sidearm, fire wildly behind you

>you miss terribly of course, but the surprise is enough to cause him to turn back

>free at last, you think to yourself as you round a corner

>the shadow on the ground in front of you makes you look up, though

>last thing you see before passing out is one of the flying horses crashing into you at full speed

 

>you wake up with little horses crowding over you for the second time today

>god fucking dammit

>apparently you've caused quite a commotion, because now they've cuffed your limbs together

>you decide not to test your manliness by breaking the pitifully dainty handcuffs and just deal with it this time

>they don't seem to be out to kill you or anything; if they had been anything like raiders, they'd have probably carved you up by now

>you're once again lifted up in a purple glow

>purplecunt's back and none too happy, it seems

>this time it's got this retarded looking gecko with it, writing with a quill and scroll

>you realize on seeing this that if you were ever to describe any of this to the folks back in the bunker, you'd become a legendary laughingstock

>feelsbadman

>it looks like the purple one is dictating a letter to the gecko, but instead of storing it somewhere when it's done, the gecko just belches flame and incinerates the letter

>shit, maybe you were wrong about them not eating you yet

>maybe they're going to offer you up as a sacrifice to their little horse gods

>purplecunt dismisses the armored fliers and carries you back to its treehouse

>it carries you down to her basement, where there's a dizzying array of scientific equipment

>it sounds like it's talking at you, but even if you could understand, you're amazed by the equipment in here

>to be honest, it looks like a bunch of random early-20th-century shit, but there's no telling what it does

>maybe you actually were right about there being a tech trove here

>your thoughts are interrupted by purplecunt attaching a swarm of instruments to you

>it's mostly electrodes and such, but you swear to everything that is holy that if you even see so much as a anal-probe-like object, you're going break these cuffs and dust that little asshole with your laser pistol

>looks like you're in for the long haul with this testing, judging by how she locks the door

>fuck

 

>you spend four hours down here with this purple twat, undergoing a battery of the weirdest and most pointless fucking tests you could imagine

>one of them involved a rubber chicken, for fuck's sake

>once again you doubt that there's really scientific shit down here

>there's always the possibility that the little horses have developed a cult of "science" after the habits of the pre-war researchers, though

>nah

>anyway, given four hours of nothing to do but stare at this horse, you've pretty much verified that, barring some unexpected mutant anatomy, it's a female

>even as you muse on how exceedingly accurate your nickname for her is, purplecunt starts cleaning up her "science" equipment and then levitates you out of the basement

>the gecko waddles over to greet her, jabbering animatedly

>suddenly, with a look of the utmost constipation you've ever seen anything muster, it belches an emerald gout of fire

>the smoke materializes into a scroll that drops into purplecunt's hornglow

>you don't know what to say to that or even how to say it

>next thing you know there'll be teleporting horses and shit

>purplecunt's getting pretty excited about whatever the fuck the gecko burped up

>she starts scurrying around, cleaning the place up, almost forgetting you're there

>you're still daintycuffed when she lifts you up into the constellation of shit she's rearranging

>you thank at least this little bit of luck that your helmet is off as your stomach churns and you get ready to hurl

>you spill out on the floor a bit, breaking purplecunt out of her merry reverie

>yeah, that's what you get for spinning someone around like a fucking doll, you bitch

>she yells at her gecko, apparently telling it to clean up the mess

>setting all her attention on you, she plops you down onto the floor, lecturing you in whatever tribal language she speaks

>suddenly a knock comes from the door

>purplecunt goes ballistic, bolting down the stairs and out of sight

 

>a few minutes later, you hear two sets of footsteps coming up the stairs

>purplecunt jabbers excitedly to the horse behind her

>holy fucking shit

>now THAT'S a horse

>sweet jesus, it's got a horn and wings

>what the blazing fuck is up with its hair

>shitshitshit, maybe this is the goddess they're going to appease with your sacrifice

>goddesses aren't real, right? and if they were, why would it be a fucking unicorn

>this isn't happening, no fucking way

>it smiles gently as it looks over at you, no doubt savoring the taste of manflesh on its lips

>time to bail the fuck out

>you smash the everloving fuck out of your dainty handcuffs as you bolt to the window

"Hello ther-"

>no time to reflect on what you're hearing, no time to be careful as you hurl yourself bodily through the window, smashing the whole thing out

>you curse the ambition and sheer arrogance of those pre-war bastards who created this shit as you hit the ground in a roll

>it doesn't matter what direction you run, so long as it has cover and it leads out of the town

 

>you've run far enough to reach past the outskirts of town

>you stop nearby a small cottage to catch a breath

>you feel a little bad for running, but was there really a choice?

>maybe if you had a whole Brotherhood chapter in here you could clear it out, but there's no way you could deal with this hellhole on your own

>still, you begin to brace yourself for the chewing out you'll probably get back in the mojave

>assuming you can find the goddamn mojave

>as you calm down, you notice how many animals are around here

>shit, it's like a fucking zoo or something

>some of them aren't even afraid of you, wandering up to you expectantly like you're some fairy tale princess with a handful of food

>you've never seen so many unmutated animals before, come to think of it

>maybe this is a place the chinese never thought to nuke, you wonder

>one of the animals jumps up on you and starts spazzing out, like it's making motions

>what the fuck is up with this rabbit

>you grab it by the scruff of its neck and chuck it a few feet away, but it keep running back at you and trying to jump on you

>fucking hell this thing is persistent

>speaking of persistent, if purplecunt and her hungry goddess are as persistent in catching you as they were before, then you'd better get moving back to your camp and pick up what you left there before they think to look there

 

>back at your camp, you find the remains of your campfire, but no rifle or helmet

>fuck, the horses must have taken them along with you

>you think maybe you saw little kicky carrying them on her back during the little parade back into town

>time to make a trip back to the orchard

>you're going to have to take a different route back if you want to avoid running into the purple priestess and her goddess

>given that you don't know your way around this place, you'll just have to follow the main road while remaining a ways off in the forest

>keeping off the road took you forever, but it was worth it

>you saw purplecunt and her cadre trotting up the road

>you also saw a blue version of white unicorn goddess with them

>fucking hell, how many goddesses do they have

>you're back at the orchard kicky was working, but your faithful little traitor is nowhere to be found

>you espy a barn and... a carrot house a ways away on the farm

>people used to keep shit in barns, right? your shit's probably in there

>as you make your way across the farm, you notice some other horses of varying size are working the land

>one's a big-ass red one, and the other's a tiny yellow one

>big red's got a green circle tattooed onto its butt, but you can't make out much more at this distance, and you can hardly even see the tiny yellow one

>you sneak into the barn, trying not to make a racket of things

>still no equipment

>you try the carrot house

>fucking bingo, your helmet and rifle are propped up by the door

>as you retrieve them though, you hear a snoring behind you

>a shriveled green bag of leather is inflating and deflating on a rocking chair

>upon closer inspection, this may be yet another horse

>before you can do anything, you hear hoofsteps on the porch and move "stealthily" into the nearest room

 

>you peer around the corner as the door opens

>big red and tiny yellow enter, tiny yellow is dancing around big red

>duck back around the corner and look for exits

>all these goddamn windows are too small to fit through with power armor

>maybe you can wait until they go back to working again

>you think back to the last few times waiting on these assholes did you any good

>you briefly think about barging out again, but realize this would put them right back onto your scent

>to hell with that, maybe you can root around in their house for something useful. waiting seems like the only option, really, and the time may as well be spent doing something useful

>you root around in their storage room, trying not to knock shit over

>unlike the wasteland, it seems like nobody here puts useful things in random locations

>you find absolutely zero ammunition, not even any pre-war money or chems

>you could really do with some turbo right now, you think

>you're about to give up when you happen upon a box of old medical supplies

>there's a weird crutch and some surgical tubing, maybe you can rig up a slingshot from this so you don't have to worry about ammo

>several minutes later, you end up with a crude mass of knotted surgical tubing and half a broken crutch

>maybe you should have paid more attention during the jury rigging and repair classes when you were an initiate

>meh, it'll work for now

 

>you take your makeshift slingshot and a handful of rocks you find stashed in some box and carefully make your way out into the hall

>you can still hear the small one chattering away excitedly, so they must be inside

>you hope that the distraction you have in mind will be sufficient

>loading one of the weird rocks you picked up, you aim your slingshot for one of the windows

>you figure they'll go outside to investigate and you can duck out while they're distracted

>as you fire though, your shitty slingshot comes undone and beans you in the forehead

>fuckfuckfuck it hurts

>what's worse is they must have heard you because now the other room is silent

>you quickly tie your slingshot up again, this time hopefully more securely

>this shot is a success, putting a large hole through the glass, cracks striking outwards in a crystalline spiderweb

>sudden hoofsteps and the opening door tell you that it's clear to go

>you make your way through the living room and get to the door just in time to notice the leathery green potato

>it looks awake and mad

>your slingshot is still visible in your hand as you freeze up

>fuck

>as you resume your egress, all you can hope for is that the stories of the elderly in this place are regarded similarly to those back home

>detection aside, your escape is a success and you begin making your way back in the direction of the forest

 

>now that you're safely in the woods, you can begin planning your next move

>the village is too crowded to be investigated thoroughly, but there are alternatives

>one, you can return at night when there isn't a roaming populace ready to turn you in to their clergy for a blood sacrifice

>two, you can try for that mountainside laboratory you noticed on the way into town

>either sounds good to you, given that you still know practically jack shit about where you are

 

If this post is even, we go for the first option. If this post is odd, we go for the second.

 

>you decide to stick to the area you've become familiar with, but avoiding those horses is going to have to be top priority now

>once again you head back to that big forest you woke up near

>maybe you'll luck out on more of those chickensnakes

>after a while you reach the forest. it looks pretty dark inside

>whatever, bring this the fuck on, you're ready for whatever tasty shit this place brings

>two hours into the forest, nothing tasty-looking has appeared

>you saw some more mutated shit though, like that winged lion-scorpion

>there's no way this isn't somewhere up in the sierra nevada or something, maybe up in northern california? too many monsters for this to be some pristine place.

>still, NCR trouble is the last thing you want - aside from these mutant horses eating you

>you stumble into a low clearing

>what the fuck is with all these masks, it looks like someone raided a prewar museum and set up camp here

>you realize this tree is also a house

>a strange humming can be heard within

>you peek into a window

>there's a zebra wearing jewelery

>it's making soup

>it tosses in some ingredients and with a plume of smoke, the mixture turns a jarring shade of blue

>it's not making soup

>you wonder briefly if it's worth trying to talk to this one

>your wondering is cut short as the zebra exits the hut with a bowl of the blue goop perched on its upturned nose

>with a deft motion of its hoof, it takes the bowl and offers it to you, motioning to its mouth with the other hoof

>you're not going to drink irradiated water, let alone whatever tainted sludge that shit is

>you get up and start edging away, fearful that this zebra will try to force-feed its goo to you

>it only chuckles and goes back inside

>could have been worse

>you notice that it's dark in the clearing, looks like it's time to check out the village again

 

>you enter the village when all is dark

>the moon is full, which is pretty handy in lighting your path

>with all the horses sleeping, you've got plenty of time to investigate

>you start sweeping the town for any signs of a subterranean facility - any external vents, openings, doorways, etc.

>you recall that some vaults were hidden in urban areas in buildings, under parking lots, etc.

>aha, this thing in the middle of the road looks to be-

>it's a well. you can see the water in the bottom. even if there was something down there, you'd sink like a rock in your power armor

>well, shit

>at this point you've searched much of the town and found nothing suspicious

>really, the only place something could be hidden would be inside of the houses, and given that it looks like the horses live inside the houses, it is neither likely that they contain something nor viable to search them

>the best bet now is that mountain lab

>assuming it is a lab and not just some other legendary prewar deathtrap of a casino

>looks like it's time to begin the hike

>your attempt to exit the town takes you past that stupid tree-library again

>you notice the goddess and purplecunt talking on one of the upper floors, staring at the sky or some shit

>this is not good, you're out in the open

>goddess happens to look down while purplecunt's still chattering away

>she fucking smiles

>this is not good this is not good

>you quicken your pace, trying not to panic and break into a full run, lest you trigger her predatory chase instincts

>she's still smiling

>you turn the corner and pass out of the goddess's sight

>right as you prepare to leg it, you catch sight of the thing sitting in the middle of the road

>blue goddess

>your blood runs cold as you realize just how utterly boned you are

 

>brick shitting is in full effect

>you briefly ponder whether it would be better to run or to stay still and hope she doesn't notice you

>fuck it, better to die running

>you bolt for the road out of town

>looking back, she's starting to fly in your direction

>fuckno

>she's pretty rapidly catching up, maybe you can scare her off like you did with the armored one

>unsling your laser rifle and fire behind you

>it hits her square in the chest on what looks like a bib

>she tumbles out of the air in shock or injury, plowing into the ground

>fuck yeah

>with one of those monsters incapacitated, you're finally able to make it out of town without being chased

>conveniently, it looks like there's a road leading to the lab

>it looks like a ways away, so you're in for the long haul again

 

>you must have really kicked the cazador hive with this one

>fliers are swarming the night sky, and patrols of the armored ones on the ground have gone from nonexistent to almost unavoidable

>progress is fucking slow when you have to crawl through the woods to avoid patrols

>most of the night is spent crouching in bushes waiting for tiny angry unicorns to pass

>when dawn breaks, you notice you've covered more distance than you thought, at least for having been held up as much as you were

>your stomach growls like a deathclaw

>better find something to eat soon

>patrols have thinned out a little this far from town, but not by much

>as you follow the road you notice a house along the road

>maybe more of an inn or something, if all those wagons parked outside are any indicator

>inns have food, right?

>it's probably less risky to sneak in and nab something from the cellar than it is to hunt with your laser weapons

>don't want bright flashes and pew-pew noises giving away your location

>when the coast is clear you dash across the road and look for the cellar

>aha, doors sunk into the back of the building

>the lock is essentially paper to your mighty hands and you tear it off with ease

>your mighty weight is too much for the old wooden stairs too, apparently

>a resounding crash leaves you planted on your ass in a pile of splinters

>hoping none of the horses heard you, you begin rifling through the food in the basement

>most of it is what looks like wine bottles, but they've all got apple symbols on them

>sweet jesus these horses must be hardcore alcoholics if the quantity of booze they have down here is anything to go by

>you hear the clippity-clop of hoofsteps coming down a different set of stairs

>shit, someone heard your stupid mistake

 

>quickly rearrange some food barrels and a keg into a little fort

>you peer through the gaps

>a purple horse enters the cellar, looking suspicious

>this one's different, the hair is too messy to be purplecunt

>she investigates the cellar, sniffing around till she catches sight of the broken stairs and starts letting out indignant noises

>heh

>your inner chortling dies as she approaches your hastily constructed disguise

>confused mumbling, then you hear her pulling food out of one of your barrels

>stay still, don't alert her

>once she's done with the barrel she gives a quick look back at the stairs before surreptitiously opening the keg

>god damn is she chugging or what

>tiny horses confirmed for alcoholics

>once her powerful thirst is satiated she returns upstairs

>before anything else comes down, you tear into the barrel she opened so you can get food

>my god, it's full of apples

>check two other barrels nearby

>they're all apples

>jesus fucking christ, do they even eat anything else? no wonder little kicky didn't want your chickensnake

>whatever, an apple diet is better than no diet

>gorge yourself on fruit in the cellar and lay back to digest

 

>a while later, your food coma is interrupted by two horses coming down the steps, apparently to repair the stairs

>one's floating a box of tools and the other's got some wooden planks floating as well

>how the fuck are they floating stuff that isn't magnetic

>your confusion drains away as you watch them

>are they flirting

>the last thing you need is to be trapped in some dank hole in the ground with little horses getting their mack on not even five feet away

>maybe they'll be distracted so that you can escape, though

>you look out of your fort again

>weeeeelp shit's definitely going down

>at least you can mute your helmet input

>it's just your luck that they're turned away from you, you can make a run for the open cellar door and climb out

>they're too distracted to hear the soft clanking of your armor

>you can see one of them bobbing their head underneath the other, must be a dude

>just as you're climbing out, your foot slips and you fall back down into the pile of shattered wood

>the male looks up, his ecstasy shattered by the sight of a hulking metallic biped glaring at him

>it's evident just how fast his boner disappears, because the other one breaks off and looks up too

>fuck

>all of you scramble at once, the two horses for the stairs and you once again clamber up the walls into daylight

>they've seen you and you saw them, you gotta scram

>though maybe they'll keep quiet about it if it means admitting what was going on

>nah, not worth the risk

>don't stop running through the woods

 

>you've managed to avoid trouble for a good stretch of the journey now

>the lab looms on the mountainside ahead

>from this distance though, something looks off

>it looks more like a city than a research facility

>hell, even the look of the whole thing is too ridiculous, who would design a lab to have all these goddamn spires and domes, that's so inefficient it's insane

>still, it's literally the biggest sign of civilization for miles, it's worth a shot

>as you approach the vicinity of the mountain, patrols start to step up dramatically

>you begin to doubt that you'll be able to move during the day at this point

>it doesn't help that the area around the mountain has more of those tiny horse houses, the whole area is almost urban in a way

>as you move deeper into the woods from the road, you notice a set of railroad tracks

>this has got to lead to the mountain

>you begin hiking along the tracks, this is way quicker

>have to dodge a few trains along the way

>what the fuck kind of trains have heart-shaped engines, fucking seriously

>whoever designed this place before the war was fucked in the head

>you exit a rail tunnel to find the lab looming less than a mile away

>several things strike you:

>this is like no laboratory you've ever seen, ever

>this is definitely a castle, and it definitely has a city around it

>the whole castle-city combo is surrounded by a large pink energy field that was definitely not there before

>the presence of an energy field pretty much confirms to you that there's some nasty pre-war science shit in there, and that the new inhabitants must have activated it in order to stop you from killing their pantheon

>the thought of technology being misappropriated by these savages fills you with a righteous Brotherhood fury

>no forcefield is going to stop this paladin from carrying out his mission

 

>you approach the city on the tracks and take cover behind a large rock when a train passes

>you notice that the train passes through fine

>you are impressed and simultaneously annoyed at their mastery of this technology

>if you can get onto one of those trains, perhaps you can sneak in

>you can't feasibly hop aboard a train, either while it's running or while it's at the station

>one is physically impossible and the other risks public sightings

>the clear option is to get the train to stop on the tracks with some kind of obstruction and sneak on while they clear it

>you marvel at your brilliance

>you'd have to do this at the forest though; you can't lift any boulders big enough to give a train conductor pause, and you want something that probably won't derail the train if it gets hit

>you wish you had a brahmin right now

>nothing can be done about it, so you refine your plan as you hike back

>cut down a tree and strip it of the more voluminous branches, then heap them on the tracks so it looks like an actual tree has fallen

>yeah, that ought to do it

 

>your assemblage of shrubbery is the spitting image of a fallen tree

>soon enough, another heart-shaped train rolls in

>the fuck is with these horses and their decor, seriously

>it screeches to a stop and you see a bearded stallion hop out of the engine

>ignoring the improbability of equine facial hair, you jog to the back of the train, hoping that the bushes along the track concealed you from the passengers

>you step onto the caboose and feel the car sink from your weight

>the train resumes its travel surprisingly quickly

>as you look out the window, you can see the lab-city once again

>it looks even more impressive this close-up

>notice the pink wall rapidly approaching

>the train passes through it all like it was made of light

>the fact that you hit it like it is most certainly not made of light shocks you as the oncoming wall of pink energy bashes you out the back of the caboose

>you hit the ground in a tangle of broken wood and twisted metal

>fucknuggets that hurt, you wish you had a bucket of stimpaks right now

>in your pain you neglect to notice the detachment of armored fliers now congregating around you with spears pointed at you

>one of them barks commands at you in their tribal tongue, the only thing you understand is "stay the fuck where you are"

>briefly ponder whether or not those spears can penetrate, think back to stories of fighting the legion

>the legion are known for attacking with nothing but melee weapons and unparalleled brutality; you recall rumors of some brotherhood members being torn limb from limb for their armor

>decide not to gamble on those spears

>it also strikes you that they may take you inside the facility now that you've been captured

>in any case, all you can really do is cooperate

 

>as they wheel you through the city streets in a cramped prison wagon, you get the feeling that you are once again wrong

>if this is a research facility, it looks absolutely nothing like one

>it's just... lots of houses.

>what is the purpose of a facade like this?

>you draw a whole lot of crowds as the little horses gawk at your traveling circus

>again with the fucking staring

>finally you end up in some fortified structure attached to the fuckhuge castle building

>they have you trussed up in chains like a goddamn radhog

>a self-important looking blue haired horse enters the room, the others salute him

>this is probably some big cheese commander dude

>he lectures you in babbles for like twenty goddamn minutes

>another guard rushes in and tells big cheese something, and he turns to you with a smug look

>you wish these assholes would get the fucking message that you don't understand them

>suddenly, all of them salute

>you stare at the doorway

>no

>oh nononononono

>the goddess walks in

>you struggle and writhe violently against your bindings, flopping manically and clanking against the floor

"Calm down, would you?"

>you do not calm down

>you thrash with all of your might

>death is not to be faced calmly

>you remember something poetic a friend once said about not going into that good night quietly or some shit, figure if there's any time it's appropriate, now is it

>you manage to break a chain and slip out one of your hands when you see a golden glow envelope you

"Calm. Down. Enough already with the struggling."

>you turn to her desperately

>"Why, so you can eat me all the easier? Fuck you!"

>wait, what

>is the goddess speaking english or are you hearing things

>you look at her as she talks again

"What on this green earth are you even talking about?"

>her lips don't match up with the sounds she's making, you've definitely started hearing things

>maybe it was all those apples

>it had to have been those apples, that explains everything

>fucking mutant trash

 

>is there a point in arguing with hallucinations?

>"There's no way you're not a hallucination and I'm just having a bad trip."

>the goddess chuckles in bemusement

"I'm afraid I'm very much real

>"Isn't that what a hallucination would say?"

>she ponders this for a moment

"I don't suppose there's much point in arguing with me if I'm a hallucination"

>damn she's good

>she's a figment of your imagination, after all

"Regardless of how imaginary we are to you, there still remains the issue of the very real damages you've inflicted upon my people, and upon several ponies close to me in particular"

>what the shit is a pony

>wait, damages?

>"I've inflicted no such things upon your kind. I was merely trying to escape certain death at your hands- or, uh, hooves - and before that, investigate this area."

>the goddess quietly processes this

"Again, why do you think we would eat you? Did it not strike you that we were simply trying to capture you for the various crimes you committed? We had thought you were some dangerous animal that wandered out of the Everfree in a daze until you kidnapped Applejack."

>wat

>you think of how you've seen nothing but apples in this god-forsaken land. she's got a point there, unless she's the only meat-eater, or your sacrifice is only a symbolic ritual

>"I've committed no crimes in this place" you say even as it dawns on you that, while the wasteland itself may be lawless, the likes of the NCR have imposed their own rules onto those they would control. perhaps this is no different

>what crimes have you actually committed?

>honestly, anything you could have done might have been a crime

"Well, to begin with, you stole food from a public market."

>shit, so that wasn't an abandoned stall

>what else have you done?

>taking little kicky back with you to camp might have constituted kidnapping, maybe killing those chickensnakes really was some kind of taboo or something too. breaking all those windows was definitely property damage, come to think of it

"After that, you kidnapped Applejack, though the fact that you left her unharmed is a significant point in your favor. Subsequently, you broke a number of windows in the town, stole from the Apple family farm, accosted one of my guards, grievously wounded my sister, stole yet again from a tavern owner after having caused more property damage, and to top it all, you subjected a young couple to voyeurism."

>shit, son. that's quite the rap sheet for having spent two days in this place

>wait a minute

>wait one fucking minute

>they actually reported you

>those two fuckers actually had the nerve to report you

>god fucking dammit, this is some twisted justice right here

 

>so apparently little kicky is named Applejack and the blue goddess isn't dead yet

>not sure whether or not to be relieved

>goddess continues

"Furthermore, your situation is complicated. Honestly, because of your rather bizarre behaviour, we are unable to decide what to do with you. Your arrival has truly been a mixed blessing."

>"How about you let me go?" she ignores you and continues

"You've stalked my citizens but have never actually done them any physical harm; you've run away from our attempts at contact every chance you get, and you refused the aid of the zebra shaman we specifically asked to help you

>zebra shaman, what?

>"You mean the weirdo with the bowl of toxic shit?"

"Erm, no. She had prepared a translation potion for you, so that you and my little ponies could actually communicate. As it stands I have to use a spell that is limited to you and I, meaning the others cannot understand."

>spells

>potions

>lol, this is rich

>you chuckle at this, but it's like opening a floodgate

>this whole goddamn thing has been one big farce

>you're laughing maniacally, practically guffawing like an idiot at the astronomical ludicrousness of everything

>it's clear you're unnerving some of the guards, but it only serves to fuel your fire

>you're laughing so hard you might have actually peed yourself a little

"Excuse m-"

>you can hardly hear her over your cackling and writhing

>everything is one big goddamn joke

>this is no lab, it's a goddamn fairy tale castle

>it is populated by tiny talking magical horses

>the natural order is a lie

>everything you know is a lie

 

>the goddess talks to the blue commander asshole and some of the guards leave

>she levitates you into a large cell as you continue wracking your body in laughter

>slowly you begin to peter out

>it's not so funny, just sad

>what is the point in carrying out your orders anymore if it's such a goddamn mockery of everything you know

>this is no technology trove

>this is the den of madness

>some time later the goddess reappears, carrying a tray with a salad on it and a cup of that glowing blue shit

>fucked if you take it, fucked if you don't

>you're half expecting it to taste like bubblegum and cherries or some shit at this point

>it tastes like bubblegum and cherries

>you sob quietly as you nibble at your salad

>forget the wasteland, forget all the fucked up atrocities and death and vault experiments and whatever, this is a land that can break a man

>before long, you curl up into a corner of the cell and fall asleep in your steel cocoon

 

>you feel dry heat on your face

>you get up quickly

>shit, is this for real?

>a vast dry lakebed stretches out before you, far-off mountains tinted blue in the atmospheric haze

>the sun beats down overhead

>this looks like the mojave

>this feels like the mojave

>this is home

>you're missing your helmet and your rifle, but it's not so bad, you can requisition a new one

>if you run into mutant animals along the way you might have a problem though

>off in the distance you see a group of figures walking

>judging by the nearby footsteps, they're brotherhood like you

>you jog to catch up, careful not to overexert yourself in this heat

>you catch up to them, but something's off

>they don't see you or hear you

>fine, assholes

>after an eternity of walking, you've gotten nowhere and the sun has set

>your "comrades" have set up a small camp, but leave no room for you

>as they talk indistinctly (they ought to get their helmets fixed, fucking seriously) you notice something off in the distance, lit by the moonlight

>what the hell are those things

>as they approach, you get a clearer look at them

>they're like ghoul horses or something, actual tall horses

>the others are completely oblivious to the thunder of oncoming hooves

>you are frozen still, torn between fighting and fleeing

>the first one reaches the camp and gores one of the knights on its long horn, piercing straight through the metal breastplate

>another of your comrades is trampled like an aluminum ball and his armor is ripped apart

>the others are lifted into the air with the dead horse's magnetic glow and are torn apart, limbs draining of blood in a violent spray as the horses feast

>you turn to run but as soon as you do, one of the ghouls is behind you, striking you down with its forehooves

>everything is black

 

>you awake in a dimly lit chamber

>wait, this is the elder's chamber in the bunker

>the old codger is sat in his big chair, looking down imperiously

>what's going on

"Was it really too much to ask to infiltrate that lab? Could you not perform that one simple assignment?"

>shit, he's talking to you

"That facility contained a pre-war weapon powerful enough to eliminate half of China, and you single-handedly lost it! This is incompetence on a scale unprecedented in the history of our organization.

>what the fuck did you even do

>there's no way in hell you could have taken that place on your own

>"Excuse me, but-"

"Would you kindly shut the fuck up? You're the one on trial here. As I was saying, incompetence of this magnitude cannot go unpunished. For your betrayal of our Brotherhood and the very principles upon which it is built, we sentence you to death by execution. May your death be swift and God have mercy on your soul"

>this is bullshit, how can they do this

>you find yourself staring upwards, asking for answers as you wait for the other guards to apprehend you

>the light is small but bright, kinda like the moon

>the guards sure are taking their sweet time

>you look around you, but they're gone

>you're back outside, but the light is still there in the place of the moon

>what

>out of the darkness, you can see a silvery shape materializing and descending

>it's blue goddess

>for fuck's sake, this is the last thing you need

 

>bluehorse approaches, you have no idea what the fuck is happening

"Calm yourself, I am not here to harm you."

>funny, last time a magical horse goddess said something like that she ended up breaking your spirit

"I have taken the liberty of observing you as you've slept. Your dreams are... different, I must say."

>great, she's a fucking stalker

"I've witnessed a great deal of chaos and fear, as well as an apparent fear of my kind-"

>"Are you going to be a shrink or are you going to tell me what the fuck's going on? I don't appreciate the Mr. Sandman act."

>none of this makes any fucking sense

>she sighs. being abrasive really seems to have an effect on these horses

"You are dreaming right now. If you dreams are anything to go by, you have undergone a great deal of stress in a relatively short period of time. I came here to gain an insight into your mind to see if perhaps there was any information that would help in your coming trial

>fucking fantastic, you're still on trial

>"Can I just plead insanity? This whole thing is crazy anyway."

>the blue horse isn't amused

"Unfortunately, no, you cannot plead insanity. However, if the content of your dreams is anything to go by, it is clear that your actions have motivations that we did not - nay, could not account for. Such information will likely result in a far more lenient sentence."

>"Thanks hun, you're a doll"

>she glances at you oddly and dissipates into sparkles of moonlight

>well what the fuck do you do now

 

>you wake up with stiff joints, huddled in the cell's corner

>goddamn armor

>guards come and haul you out while the goddess watches

"I'm sorry that we have to go through with this, but you're to be put on trial. It's a formality, really, since we know now somewhat of your extenuating circumstances and how they explain some of your actions, but Equestria is a civilized nation and justice must be served for all who are wronged."

>heh, justice

>you've seen some pretty messed up justice, both in the wasteland and "civilized" places like the NCR

>"fine, do what you need"

>you enter the court, there's a fuckton of fancily dressed horses

>like no shit, it's like the white glove society turned into a bunch of tiny horses

>some other formal shit happens, it's all beyond you since you have no idea how their legal system works

>the goddess reads out the charges against you and asks how you plead

>"Not guilty, of course"

>you see several horses strike their foreheads with their hooves, and murmuring runs rampant throughout the court. you have no idea what that gesture means though

>because you can't actually justify your actions according to their laws, they don't buy it and declare that your sentence is extended

>they sentence you to 2 months of community service repairing the damage done

>well, that's not so bad

>you get sent back to that town and start living on Applejack's farm, put to work earning money to make reparations

>menial labor sure is a joy

>you still have no idea what the fuck this place is, but it's clearly not anything like what you had first imagined

>aside from their insane abilities, these "ponies" are so technologically backwards that they're still stuck in what looks like the 20th century, tech-wise

>the ponies themselves are even peaceful to a downright fault, they even have border disputes with another nation where they periodically cede territory because they don't want conflict

 

>conclude that your initial assumptions were completely incorrect

>if these ponies possess or even are advanced technology, they're no threat

>you figure your mission's technically complete here because of that

>you settle back and adjust to life in the horse village

>after a year or two of this, one of the goddesses contacts you, saying they've figured out what happened

>they ask you to meet in person to tell you

>they tell you they've determined what the cause of your arrival in their world was

>their "world"?

>they start explaining some magic metaphysical shit that goes mostly over your head except for one part at the end

>apparently you died during that explosion and got sucked in to this place.

>...

>fuck.

>well, for an afterlife, this could be worse.