BLARGH WHY DID I WRITE THIS

The words echoed across the Eastern hemisphere:

"For equality and the working class!"

And throughout the Western world, a voice boomed:

"For freedom and great justice!"

 

There they stood, the Earth in the shadows of the towering women. Each stood on a side of Italy, the Medditerranian seas clashing violently against their legs. In the blue corner, a blonde girl with a titanic baseball cap, smugly grinning, filled up to her ears with hotdogs, McDonalds and Coke, thinking about the upcoming fall fashion, forming an economic plan for herself, and thinking up an appropriate apology for sinking Sardinia. In the red corner, a brown-haired titan in a Ushanka, hiding her burning spirit with a stoic smile, vodka rushing through her veins, pondering how funny the concept of Matryoshka dolls were, the best way to topple the bourgeoisie, and struggling not to step into Yugoslavia- Albania was a lost cause.

 

This monolith spoke first, addressing her opponent: "We shall give you one last chance, capitalist pig. Deep in your heart, you know the way of Lenin is true liberty. Accept the hammer and sickle into your heart, and we won't hold it against you."

 

The eager roar ripped through the clouds: "NEVER!" the woman in blue put her hands to her hips. "The hippies back home were bad enough, but YOU? Jesus, if Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln were still kickin' around, they'd have penetrated your dirty commie ass decades back!" Crossing her arms, she laughed to herself. "Get Gorbachev here right now, and let him surrender your freedom-hatin' state to us, the REAL heroes!"

 

Eager, multilingual screams came from around Europe, cheers from Portugal to Austria, and angry boos from Komi to Hungary. The girl from the east stared contemptuously, gritting her teeth, clenching her fists, before reaching over to grasp at her.

 

"Come here, you idiot! I have mauled bears to death with these hands, I shall do the same to you and all you lazy capitalists who oppress the glorious people of this planet!" The seas around Italy shook as she shouted, "If I need to, I will tear America in half with them!"

 

More cheers and boos. From Bulgaria to China, stargazers were given a perfect view of her astronomic backside, and applauded cheerfully.

 

Placing a hand behind her head with a mighty yawn, the woman of the West simply moved away, her wet feet stepping over Southern France, raining a small flood on them. She skipped between England and Belgium, turning to give a wink and peace symbol to the British Isles, who responded enthusiastically.

 

"What in Stalin's name are you...?" Leaning over Liechenstein, the brown-haired woman stared in horror as her opponent slid past the Netherlands, and stopped at Denmark, where, with a teasing wiggle of her eyebrows, she leaned over Germany.

 

"...Oh no. You wouldn't. You have honor, don't you? We fought in World War II together!"

 

"And I intend to finish what I started." The UK's administrative region of West Germany got a nice view of her cleavage.

 

"Please, don't. Stoj. You're not a monster, you have some love in your heart..." Her screams became louder, echoing straight to Scandinavia. The American raised a hand over Berlin, grinning menacingly, humming a patriotic tune. "No, you WON'T do it! Spasite! You're just playing a funny American joke on me, aren't you? Very funny, I'll tell a glorious Russian joke! Okay, Stirlitz the Spy opens a refrigerator door, and-"

 

In one swift movement of her finger, the Berlin Wall was destroyed. Screams echoed throughout East and West Germany, as neighboors dashed to the border.

 

"NOOOOO! MY WALL! My beautiful *sniff*... The thing keeping fascism out of the East..."

 

The American lady laughed triumphantly, standing tall over Schleswig-Holstein. "Yes, yes! Run free, tiny former Nazis who I have to acknowledge are actually somewhat progressive these days! Come to your car-making neighbors!" She fell over backwards into the water in hysterics, flooding out parts of Norway and Scotland.

 

"You... You BASTARD!" She put a glorious Soviet foot squarely onto Austria, struggling to try and sweep the East German people back into Bradenburg, picking up buildings and hamburgers along the way. "ARGH! I can't tell the capitalist insects from the noble little communists! And now I'VE introduced the free market into the East! GAH!" She slammed a fist directly onto Slovakia. "This is all your fault, you goddamn... Why are you even in Europe to begin with?"

 

The gigantic Capitalist, rising soaked from the North Sea, filled the skies above and shifted the clouds with the majesty of her American backside, pointed towards the woman in red. A fart from it wiped out the Netherlands in a single blow. "Ya know, Russkie, for standing in the name of the people and all, everybody seems to go to the democratic lands when given the chance. Strange, huh?"

 

Insane laughter echoed from Ireland to France.

 

"You... YOU!" She called out, deafening thousands below. "You've corrupted my fair people! You've tainted and violated the working class, with the temptations of greed, the temptations of sin and selfishness... The..." She took a large step, back, sending floods into Croatia. "You've tempted the people with your ass! Well, today, your temptation ends, capitalist swine!" With a grunt, she dipped one hand into the Adriatic Sea, another into the Ligurian Sea, and effortlessly lifted Italy off the ground. The population screamed angrily at her, making wild hand gestures, as she slammed the tip of Silicy into the American's exposed backside, turning the entire landmass to rubble.

 

Groaning, the woman in blue fell to the ground, sending Eastern France into ruins. Holding it in pain for a moment, she clenched her fists, clearing away what was left of Luxembourg. As she started to rise, the booming voice cried out: "MAKE WAY FOR THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE!"

 

The red lady slammed her to the ground, digging further across France. She laughed proudly, as the capitalist was held under the might of her glorious communist form. "Weakling! Now you will see the sins of your ways, and the true glory of people power!"

 

Red flags waved across the Western Hemisphere. Applause and tears came to the eyes of the working class; they would finally be free from American imperialism. Yet, with a twinkle in her eye, the champion of the bourgeoisie grunted: "You can't... You can't defeat... JUSTICE!"

 

In a single mighty movement that could be in some twisted wrestling or football game, she flipped the ushanka'd woman over, leaving much of Spain in ruins. Smiling, she held a foot onto her chest, leaned over, and declared, "time for some payback, commie scum!"

 

In one hand, she lifted the British Isles, and held it tightly by Northern England and Southern Scotland. Loud cheering came from the land, as she moved the Isles closer to the Russian crotch, exposing her Soviet vagina.

 

"No! Rape! ARRGH!" She struggled against the American, ashamed at letting a capitalist take advantage of her. She tossed this way and that, wiping out what was left of Spain and France, as well as large parts of Germany. Yet, looking like Lady Liberty as she stood with Britain in hand, the Western woman simply laughed.

 

"Just lie back, and think of England..."

 

The wild chanting from the island was soon replaced with a glorious refrain, as the land neared her endless communist abyss of a groin:

"Rule Brittania, Brittania rule the waves...

Britons, never-never-never shall be slaves!"

And with a single movement, justice was dealt to the communist, the tiny parliamentary monarchists violently attacking her pulsating vaginal walls. As her face grew as red as her flag, she finally lashed out at the capitalist again, tossing her into Poland as she screamed with anger:

 

"YOU'VE DEFILED THE PURE COMMUNIST LANDS WITH YOUR IMPERIALISM! In the name of Karl Marx, I will punish you! I stand as a symbol of humanism, the common good, and I cannot let this deed go without repercussions!"

 

Before the American could rise again, she violently slammed onto the woman, picked her up, and drove her head-first into the cheering lands of Belarus. Then, she tore Latvia out of the ground, and shoved it into America's capitalist pussy, thrusting it in and out as the people cheered for freedom. With her down, the woman then seized Estonia and Latvia in either hand, and smashed them against the American nipples, rubbing them vigorously for a moment to let their armies march freely around her ample, democratic breasts.

 

Stepping back into Ukraine to take a look at her handiwork, the Soviet lady stood proud. The bourgeoisie now lay, groaning, every part of her body aching, spewing vomit into the Baltic sea. The woman twitched, beaten into the ground.

 

"Give up yet, capitalist swine?"

 

"Urgh... One sec, one sec, time out..."

 

"There are no time outs in SOVIET RUSSIA!"

 

"Yeah, yeah, but do you really want me pissing all over your face? I'll just take a pee, then we can get back to our stuff..."

 

The woman grumbled. "So long as you don't get it onto our glorious communist body."

 

Nodding, the blonde girl stumbled over through Ukraine, and kneeled over the black sea.

 

"No. You won't spread your filthy fluids into Soviet land."

 

She looked over her shoulder, and, sticking her toungue out, opened a stream of golden capitalist urine onto the land, laughing as it washed over Moldova, Romania, Bulgaria and Turkey.

 

"Gah! Streams of gold, in my glorious socialist lands... That does it. I am going to take a shit on Canada."

 

Sighing a bit in relief, and ready for the next fight, those words took the American by surprise.

 

"...The fuck? Canada isn't even relevant."

 

With a laugh, the champion of communism declared, "You will see the power of SUPERIOR SOVIET SWIMMING SKILLS!", paddling across the Atlantic and squatting over Quebec, grinning as she flexed her sphincter muscles.

 

"Come on, don't get them involved! They're our bros! Seriously, I'm WARNING you, you communist scum!" She glared the woman down. "If you don't get your sorry ass off the north, I'll... I'll... Take a shit on China!"

 

The communist stood, flabbergasted, ass revealed to people swearing politely and bilingually. "We aren't even freaking allied to China, why would you do that?"

 

"Because labor laws, asshat!"

 

"I believe it is your hat that is a donkey, capitalist scum!"

 

"Says the chick in the ushanka."

 

"At least I look dignified, American slut!"

 

"At least I look doable, husky Russkie!"

 

"At least I get protection from the cold, why do the Americans need the extra body mass?"

 

"Genetics!"

 

"AMERICA, where weight is genetic, and homosexuality is a crime!"

 

"Hyeah, tell that to Vladmir Putin!"

 

"You idiot, Lenin had nothing against gay rights!"

 

"So you admit to being a lesbian?"

 

"YES!"

 

"I KNEW IT! Now I'm going to shit all over China~!"

 

"No, I'm going to shit on Canada!"

 

"Okay, okay, on the count of three-"

 

And, with that, nuclear weapons assaulted both girls' bottoms violently and swiftly. As per standard practice in giantess stories, they grew several times larger, destroying China and Canada with their feet alone, the seas not even passing their toes.

 

"NOW, WE END IT ALL!"

 

In a might grab, the Russian woman seized the entire Western Hemisphere over her head, and tossed Australia in for good measure.

 

"Yeah, let's fight like REAL women!"

 

The other girl took the remains of Afro-Eurasia, balancing several odd islands on her head and fingertips.

 

This is where the author fell asleep.