Exchange - 2

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||- Chapter 2 -||

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>You walk through the sunlit streets of Ponyville with the former Princess of the Day and Herald of the Sun trotting merrily by your side.

>Various ponies out and about on their morning routines, commuting to work or just enjoying the start of the day with a relaxing breakfast at an outside cafe wave and say hi to her, and she cheerily returns their greetings in kind.

>It's a welcome change from the first few weeks of her stay. Every time Sunbutt set one hoof outside the house she'd be swamped by curious ponies wondering if she had really given up the throne and what she intended to do now. It was almost a mirror of your first arrival in Ponyville. If there's one common trait these various multicolored miniature equines share it's nosiness...

>But thankfully they seem to have gotten used to Celestia's presence by now, just like they've gotten used to the weird talking monkey that's taken up residence in their humble town.

>You cross paths with Lyra and Bon Bon as you walk up the path to Sugarcube Corner. The chipper unicorn nudges your hand and licks a few of your fingers as you pass by before giggling and running off, and the cream-colored earth pony gives you an angry glare before chasing after her.

>Great, it hasn't even been 10 minutes since you stepped outside and already a part of your body is covered in pony drool. You can practically feel the amused stare and suppressed laughter of the nearby alicorn.

>"It's seems your popularity among young mares is as strong as ever, Anonymous." She cocks her head in thought. "What could it be that draws them to you, I wonder?"

 

"No idea. And you're forgetting one thing: it's only the weird mares that're attracted to me, and that one's definitely an oddball."

>You wipe your spit-covered hand onto the soft coat covering Celestia's neck to dry it off, but she shows no reaction to the gesture, her serene smile unbroken.

>"Is the attention really so unwelcome? They're probably just curious about you. I'm sure they mean you no harm, aside from a certain... notable exception."

"It's not completely unwelcome. It's kind of flattering that they're interested, even if I'm not. It's just... tiring sometimes."

>She nods in sympathy. Being a former Princess she knows more about things like this than you ever will.

"I can handle average ponies like Minty. Autismo on the other hand..."

>You shudder. You haven't seen Twilight since the day of her ascension and private coronation but you've heard whispers that she still has her eyes on you. You risk a quick glance over to Canterlot in the distance, half expecting to see a giant purple Eye of Sparkle hovering over one of the castle's towers, but thankfully everything looks normal.

>You nervously rub one of the arcane bands on your wrists.

"...Have I ever thanked you for these?"

>She closes her eyes and sighs. "Many times, profusely. You needn't worry about showing gratitude to me, Anonymous. Between us it is I who am indebted to you. I know it hasn't been easy to put up with my peculiarities and odd habits for the last three and a half weeks. Despite your funny periodic foaming-at-the-mouth episodes I can tell you really have the patience of a saint..."

 

>She trots ahead of you and through the open door of Sugarcube Corner, then turns back and flashes a smile more radiant than the sun itself.

>"And if there's one thing I pride myself on, it's repaying such kindness in turn. It's how I governed the Kingdom for millennia, and how I'll govern the relationship between us, my little human."

>You roll your eyes. There's that goddamn nickname of hers again.

>"Relationship? Oh! Oh! Oh! Non-non, did you finally ask Celly to be your special somepony?! Rarity was right! She's going to be so excited when--"

>You quickly clamp your hand over the muzzle of the pink puffball that's somehow scrambled her way onto your shoulders. All the patrons' eyes are on you and Celestia. Some of them have even stopped mid-chew, with half-eaten muffin and pastry goop threatening to tumble from their mouths back to their plates.

>Fuck... damage control time. You speak loudly enough so that everyone in the store can hear you.

"No, Pinkie, we're just temporary roommates until she can find her own place. You know you shouldn't ever listen to any gossip from Rarity, right?"

>Celestia chuckles. "Yes, it's true. Unfortunately I don't live up to Anonymous' impossibly high standards for beauty, so our relationship is strictly platonic." She turns her head and casts a subtle time altering spell to slow the motion of her mane, causing the many multicolored strands to cascade around her alluringly as she flashes you a mischievous smile.

 

>It reminds you of every Super Bowl commercial featuring a supermodel advertising a random product you've ever seen. Except this time the supermodel's actually an immortal horse goddess and the product in question is immortal horse goddess vagina.

>You cough, partly to clear your throat and partly to clear your mind of the thought. All the stallions in the store are drooling at the white alicorn's display, while any mares they're with look quite perturbed. You just shake your head and sigh as you lift Pinkie from your shoulders and hold her in front of you.

"So, you understand, right? We're just friends."

>Pinkie nods vigorously. "Yepperoonies, I get it! Your secret's safe with me!" Wait, what?

>You have a sneaking suspicion that she really doesn't get it, but you set her down anyway.

>"So Non-non, are ya ready to get bakin'? We've got loooots of orders to fill today and those hands of yours will sure come in..." She stifles a giggle. "HANDY!" Yep, there's the follow-up laughter, even if she's the only one who liked the joke.

>You pat Celestia on the back a few times.

"Sorry, Pinkie, but I have to take a personal day today. My Roomie here wants me to help her find a job in town. Speaking of which, do you think the Cakes might...?"

>The pink pony's mane deflates just a bit as she shakes her head. "Sorry, Non-non. We can't right now."

"Really? But what about that big catering job coming up? Weren't we gonna have to bring in some temporary help anyway?"

>"We just can't..." She takes a few steps back and looks at the floor. Weird...

 

>Celestia's smile doesn't falter. "It's all right, dear. I understand." She sheepishly lifts a massive wing. "My proportions aren't really suited for the small space of a busy kitchen and I'd likely do more harm than good. But I trust you'll still let me have Anonymous for the day?"

>Pinkie nods, her mane poofing back a little. "Of course you can! Take good care of him though, he can get grumpy if you don't force him to smile at least once per hour! Right, Non-non?"

>You laugh.

"That's just the excuse you use to try out your untested jokes and props on me or start a food fight when I'm not looking!"

>Pinkie giggles in return. "Ooooh! He's getting smarter! Better watch out, Celly!"

>"My vigilance will be unwavering~!" She sings as she turns to leave. You follow, giving a slight wave as you go.

"Later, Pinkie. Wish us luck!"

>Pinkie frantically waves a hoof back with her typical level of enthusiasm. "Bye Non-non, bye Celly! No matter what happens, don't give up!"

>Good ol' Pink Horse. As a co-worker she annoys the hell out of you, but she also never fails to brighten your day. You step outside into the sunlight with a confident stride.

>Yeah, this'll be easy as hell. Really, who WOULDN'T want Sunbutt as an employee? She'll probably be starting her new job by noon at the latest.

>Then you'll get a chance to kick back and enjoy the rest of your day off, and finally not have to worry about going broke from having to constantly buy food to shove into the ol' girl's gullet.

 

>Horse owners back on Earth must all be super fucking rich or something because this ancient magical one you've had lounging around the house has been slowly eating you into poverty for a while now.

>But soon she'll be able to buy her own damn cakes and hay smoothies and you'll actually have money for leisure activities again!

>You begin to wonder which one of the books you've been wanting to read you'll get to relax with this afternoon...

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>The sun sets in the distance, creating a sea of long shadows throughout the endless orchards of Sweet Apple Acres.

>She got rejected by every single place she applied. Every. Single. Place.

>And for no good goddamn reason as far as you can tell! What the hell is WITH the ponies in this town?! This day's just been an endless nightmare.

>Now you're here, at your last resort. Surely a practical pony like Treekicker will see the value that Celestia would bring to her farm...

>You run your fingers down the mare's long white back to try and comfort her as she sits on her haunches and talks to Applejack for her interview. Though she hides it well, like a master politician would, you can tell this is all starting to take its toll.

>"So, who was yer previous employer and what was yer job title there?"

>"I was employed in the service of all Ponykind as a member of the Diarchy. My primary title was Princess of Equestria but I believe I also held around 150 or so official titles. Would you like me to list them?"

>Apple Pone shakes her head. "No, that's alright. So, what makes ya think ya'd be a good fit fer this position?"

 

>"Well, Ms. Apple, I was a founding member of the Equestrian Agricultural Board and served on it for the past 2,000 years. I helped the earth pony tribes refine their irrigation and crop rotation techniques over the centuries to increase yields while still maintaining harmony with the land. As an alicorn, the ternary nature of my being allows me to command the full breadth of earth pony magic in the same way that you do and perform the same techniques that have made your farm so successful, including precision applebucking and ritual growth magic. I believe I also co-authored the book on advanced farming techniques that your ancestors used to plan the development of Sweet Apple Acres, so I could offer insight as to why certain decisions were made as well as help you to plan for your future growth. Please don't take this the wrong way, but just by observing how you have your orchards laid out in this general area I can see several things that can be done to improve your efficiency..."

>Celestia cautiously smiles while Applejack attempts to pick her jaw off the ground. "Ah... ah see. A-And what are yer salary requirements?"

>"I'm willing to work for minimum wage."

>The poor earth pony is trembling now. She removes her hat, wipes the sweat from her brow with a hoof and replaces it. "References?"

"I can vouch for her. She's a good pony and I think she'd be a really good fit for your farm, AJ. And it sounds like she really knows her stuff, huh? You'd have to be crazy to let such a qualified candidate slip away."

 

>"N-No argument there, sugarcube..." You nudge Celestia in the side to catch her attention and give her a thumbs up. She winks in return before facing Applejack again.

>"Ms Apple, if you're willing to take a chance on me I promise I'll work my very hardest for the success of Sweet Apple Acres. And even if you're not, I thank you for the consideration all the same."

>The trembling Orange Pone is completely drenched in sweat now. She's not the one being interviewed... why is she so nervous?

>"Ah... ah..." She shakes her head. "Ah'm sorry, but the position's already been filled!" Her face immediately scrunches up and her eyes quickly dart left and right several times.

>You can feel the dejected breath that leaves Celestia's body through the hand the rests upon her back. "I understand. Thank you for your time, Ms Apple." She stands and begins her slow trot back home while you stay behind.

>You wait until the alicorn's multihued tail vanishes beyond the trees before addressing the little earth pony before you.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! You just threw away a golden opportunity!"

>She shakes her head. "It's outta my hooves, Anon."

"Yeah, right. I don't believe that for one second. What, do you have some kind of grudge against her or something?"

>She stomps a hoof on the ground in anger and every apple in the entire orchard sways at the impact.

>"AH SAID IT'S OUTTA MY HOOVES!"

>With a dejected sigh, she pulls her steston over her eyes and turns to head back to the farmhouse.

>"Ya'd better go an' catch up ta her. Talkin' ta me ain't doin' any of us any good. Ah know ya probably think ah'm full of it, but ah'm sorry. Ah really am. Ya can tell her that if ya want."

 

>She canters off, leaving you alone amidst the trees.

>Something strange is going on here, and you're gonna get to the bottom of it. There's no way in hell every single employer with an opening in town, including Applejack and Rarity, would reject Sun Horse outright like this. Something doesn't add up.

>But AJ's right about one thing: you're needed elsewhere right now. Best head home while there's still daylight left...

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>"HORSEAPPLES!"

>An orange hoof kicks out and smashes a surprisingly large hole in the side of the western barn.

>The red stallion nearby raises an eyebrow at the sight. He shifts the wheat stalk in his mouth before muttering in his typical relaxed tone, "Ah ain't the one who's fixin' that, Sis."

>"Just can it, Mac. Ah ain't in the mood fer this right now." She snorts in frustration as she pulls her leg from the debris and begins her trot to a secluded glade within the orchards.

>She arrives just as the last light fades from the horizon. Right on time, a blue portal begins to shine on the ground. The earth pony takes a step forward and feels a tumbling sensation in her head as the magic pulls her to a faraway place...

>...

>...

>...

>She opens her eyes and the grand private meeting room of Canterlot Castle appears before her. She takes a few wobbly steps, shaking off the effects of the teleportation.

>"Darling, there you are! We were wondering when you'd finally arrive..."

 

>A familiar fashionably dressed white unicorn is already seated at the great table. An equally familiar cyan pegasus is nearby, shoveling pretzels into her mouth.

>"Hey AJ! You should really try these, they're good." She makes no move to stop stuffing her face or give up the bowl.

>A pink earth pony chides her. "You should share those, Dashie! Sharing is caring, after all! Don't make me sing the song again..."

>"Um... Pinkie's right, Rainbow. If you keep eating those salty things you're going to have a bad hangover later... m-maybe you should slow down?" The butter-yellow pegasus' meek warning is immediately ignored.

>The farmer sighs. "Well, ah see y'all are havin' fun already. Where's the host of this shindig, anyhow?"

>"I'm right here."

>The room goes silent. Standing near the grand doors at the back of the room is a radiant alicorn princess.

>Her large purple wings are spread majestically as her oversized golden horseshoes, torc and tiara shimmer in the room's artificial light.

>"Twilight!" Pinkie hops up and down with joy and the other faces in the room brighten as well, but the alicorn herself remains calm as she speaks.

>"...Aren't you all forgetting something?"

>The ponies all look amongst each other in confusion until Rarity comes to a realization and bows. The others follow her example and Twilight nods in satisfaction.

>"That's more like it. Sorry girls, but protocol is protocol. Please be seated and we'll discuss why I've called you all here."

>The purple pony takes a regal step toward the head of the grand table. Then her horseshoe slides off, she missteps and promptly falls flat on her face.

 

>Rainbow tries really, really hard not to laugh. "N-Need any help there, 'Princess'?"

>"I'm fine!" Twilight picks herself up with the aid of a few wing beats. "UGH! These stupid things are still sized for Celestia! Buck it!" She charges her horn and teleports into her seat instead, then attempts to assume her closest approximation of a pretty princess pose. It looks terrible.

>Rarity's eyelid twitches at the sight. "We've... we've missed you, dear. Our last meeting was, what... three weeks ago? You've been busy, I take it?"

>Twilight nods. "Yes. Between running the government, moving the sun, public appearances, renegotiating trade agreements with the griffons, repelling changeling attacks at the border, and perusing the forbidden archives I've been kind of busy. Sorry if I haven't kept in touch."

>Pinkie smiles. "That's okay, Twi- er, I mean, Princess. Just don't forget we're still your friends and you can always count on us to help!"

>Twilight sighs. "For most of this stuff it doesn't make sense from a logistical standpoint for me to call on you guys when you either can't directly assist me or when my godlike powers are already enough to handle the job, which has been true in most cases..."

>Five little ponies around the table pout. "...But I haven't forgotten about your friendship! The reason I've called you all here is because I desperately need your help!"

>And just like that, all the ponies' eyes brighten again.

 

>"Really?! Do you need us to kick some changeling flank?"

>"Is there a fashion emergency?"

>"Um... one of the royal animals is sick...?"

>"Apple shortage?"

>"Somepony needs to smile...?"

>Twilight giggles. "No, no... nothing like that. All those problems are foal's play for me now. No, this is much more important... much grander in scope... it's the last, greatest test Celestia left for me; the last problem I need to solve..."

 

>[ Twilicorn Theme Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZxB4eO8X9s ]

 

>She stands in her chair and dramatically flares her wings. "Girls, I need you to help me rut Anon! Repeatedly! For science!"

>The room goes silent again. Rainbow scratches her head.

>"You want -us- to help you buck -Anon-. The giant monkey who lives in town. Uh... oooookay...?"

>Rarity puts a comforting hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "I... I don't think he's interested in ponies, darling. After all, he's living with Celestia, the mare about whom entire GENRES of prose, poetry, music and art were created just to attempt to describe her beauty. If he can resist her charms, I don't know if anything can be done. Maybe you should try to find a nice stallion instead?"

>Twilight snorts. "No, Rarity, it has to be Anon!"

>Fluttershy blushes. "Um... if you don't mind me asking... have you tried... well... forcing yourself on him? He probably doesn't know he likes ponies yet, so you need to be direct and show him your love. You're a Princess, so it's not like you'd get in trouble..."

>Rainbow's jaw drops. "Wow, Fluttershy. Just... wow."

 

>Twilight's wings twitch. "If it were that simple I'd have an entire research wing of the university full of samples of his semen by now. It's true, as a Princess I can have anything I want. Anything except -him-! The spell that protects him, Celestia's Geas, is beyond any magic I've ever encountered before. I can't find a single effective counterspell in the archives and every time I've tried to craft one I've failed miserably..."

>She stands and begins to pace back and forth. "Not only can I not touch him... not only does none of my magic affect him... it even extends so far that I can't write laws that specifically mention him! It's... it's like a curse! Celestia may no longer be a Princess, but she's still my mentor... and she's... she's obviously testing me again!"

>Random hairs of purple alicorn's mane and tail begin to pop out in all directions as her pupils shrink. "She knew I liked Anon! She found me worthy to take her place... worthy to lead all of Equestria... but not worthy enough for him! But I'll show her! I'll show her how worthy I really am! Mwahahahahaha!"

>Rainbow looks over to Pinkie and twirls a hoof next to her head while making a derp face. Pinkie giggles as Twilight continues her rant.

>"I've already found a loophole! Yes, yes, yes! I can't directly influence anything around him... but I CAN indirectly influence his environment through other ponies! If I can separate him from Celestia, the Geas will eventually weaken to the point where I CAN break it! And then... I'll... I'll finally have those hands and his... his... 'maleness' all to myself~" A puddle of pony princess drool begins to collect on the table.

 

>Applejack scowls. "Separate 'em from Celestia...? Wait, is that what this is about?!" She pulls a piece of paper from her hat and tosses it across the table.

>Twilight snaps out of her daydream and retrieves the paper with her magic. "Oh, I see my royal edict was passed around to all the employers in Ponyville already! Excellent! That means phase one of my plan is already working!"

>Rarity gives the paper a curious glance before recognizing it. "What plan, darling?"

>Twilight beams with pride. "Oh, it's simple. By declaring that all the business owners in Ponyville are not allowed to employ alicorns for any paid position and freezing all of Celestia's assets, I've created a financial problem for Anon. He won't have enough money to feed or house her and he'll eventually have to kick her out! Since the law doesn't specifically mention Anon or humans, the Geas can't prevent it from being written!" She rears up and clops her front hooves together. "I'm such a genius!"

>Applejack slowly pulls her hat over her eyes. "Twilight."

>Twilight giggles. "Remember, Applejack, it's 'Prin--"

>"TWILIGHT!" The purple alicorn's laughter ceases at the farmpony's outburst. "Ah'm yer friend, Twilight. Always have been, always will be. But this..." She points a hoof at the royal edict laying on the table. "This is plum foolishness. Ah had to turn away a pony today... a good pony who just wanted ta work hard and who could'a done wonders fer my farm... all because'a some crazy scheme you've got goin' on ta get a coltfriend that ah can't even begin ta understand."

 

>The orange pony stands from her seat and begins to trot away. "Ah'm sorry, Twi, but if yer gonna do things ta hurt other ponies like this... and by extension hurt the livelihood of my family... ah can't in good conscience be a part of it."

>She turns to leave but a nervous looking Fluttershy lands in front of her to block her path. "S-Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the sake of love. If you're really the Princess' friend, you should be supporting her in this."

>Rarity nods. "She's right. The Princess here obviously feels this is important, and she hasn't -really- hurt anypony. Her devotion is so romantic... won't you help her win her true love, Applejack?"

>Rainbow flies over to Twilight and pulls her into a hug. "If it's what the Princess wants there's no way I'd leave her hangin'. She's still an egghead so she needs all the help she can get with this kinda stuff!" Twilight frowns.

>The earth pony turns her attention to Pinkie who's kept oddly quiet so far. "What about you, sugar?"

>"I..." She shuts her eyes and shakes her head a few times. "I'll help too."

>Applejack sighs. "Ah see. Well, if y'all have a stampede that needs handlin', need a strong helping hoof with somethin' else or even just a homemade apple pie ya know where ta find me. It was good ta see ya again, Twi, but ah need to start back before the last train leaves."

>The farmpony adjusts her hat and trots from the grand council room without looking back.

 

>Rainbow scoffs. "Geez, somepony should pull the stick outta her plothole."

>Twilight shakes her head. "It's... it's okay, Rainbow. Her participation wasn't really necessary for the success of my plan anyway." Turning away from the council room doors, she giggles again before addressing the remaining ponies in the room.

>"Now, everypony, I appreciate your support! Let me explain how phase two is going to work and how you're all going to be involved..."

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>Wow, this is worse than you thought and you honestly don't know how to handle it.

>You were expecting some crying, with the possibility of binging on the hidden bucket of ice cream you have tucked away in the back of the freezer.

>But Celestia's just been sitting on the porch, staring at the stars for the past hour and a half.

>Every time you've tried to say something, you've second guessed yourself before the words could leave your mouth.

>So you've just kinda sat beside her in silence like an idiot. You don't know if you're helping or not.

>"I'm a burden to you."

>Those are the first words you've heard since you got back home. You reach over and pat her on the back.

"Yeah, Roomie, you are."

>Celestia chuckles. "You're absolutely terrible at comforting a forlorn friend. Do I need to take you on as a student as well?"

"What, you want me to lie to you instead? Look, I won't deny that money's tight right now and you can drive me up the wall sometimes, but I was with you all day today and I know you gave it your all. Those ponies don't want to take a chance on you? Fuck 'em, their loss. We'll figure something out. I've got some emergency savings I can dig into in the meantime."

 

>She shakes her head. "I can't ask you to do that."

"Then don't ask."

>"Why, then? Why go through all this trouble for me? Why make your life more difficult than it need be?"

>You point to one of the muted arcane bands around your wrist.

"If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's properly repaying the debts I owe. It's how I've lived my life to this point, and how I'll continue to live my life with you as a roommate, my big pony."

>The former Princess' gentle laughter rises above the din of the crickets nearby. "I was wrong, Anonymous. Though you're circumspect about it, you do seem to know what to say after all."

"And you say -I- need friendship lessons?"

>A great white wing playfully bats you in the side. "Don't let it get to your head. Now, I believe it's my turn to cook tonight?"

"Anything but spaghetti, please."

>"No promises~" She sings as the two of you walk back inside together.

 

Next Time on Exchange: Flutterbutter Cometh