Exchange - 1

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||- Chapter 1 -||

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>It's finally almost over...

>You drag your beaten and battered body through the halls of Canterlot castle.

>Flecks of dried mud and blood peel off from your tattered clothes as the nobleponies milling about in the grand hallways wretch and turn away at the sight and smell of you.

>You pay them no mind, instead carefully cradling your prize close to your chest.

>Almost there...

>As you begin to step inside the grand throne room of the Diarchy two armor covered wings shoot out and block your way.

>"Halt! State your business!"

"Celestia..."

>The pegasus guard to your right narrows his eyes. "I said 'state your business' or you'll be removed from the castle at once. The Princesses don't have time for--"

>"Stand down. Let him pass."

>Princess Celestia's voice rings out like a gentle song sung by a mother to her newborn child. The guards pull away and return to their posts.

>You resume your forward progress until you're standing right before the throne. The pure white alicorn regards you with magenta eyes that offer neither comfort nor rebuke.

>"Anonymous... you've returned."

"Forgive me if I don't bow."

>She closes her eyes. "You were never one for formality anyway, so I wasn't expecting it. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

>Carefully, you bring the item you've been holding so tightly away from your chest, revealing it to the pony before you. Her eyes widen in shock.

 

>"The... the Orb of Ascension. You actually found it..." Her wings flutter as her body shudders with uncontrollable euphoria. "Guards! Leave us at once! All further audiences scheduled today are to be postponed."

>All of the guards in the throne room salute and trot away, tightly closing the doors of each exit behind them until the entire room is sealed off. You remain still as Celestia descends from her grand throne to approach you.

>"...How did you get past the Terror Caves?"

"By running and screaming like a little girl the entire time."

>"The Forsaken Shoals?"

"Tamed a giant crab."

>"The Bloodfeast Slaughterfields Retirement Community?"

"It's hard for retirees to feast on blood and slaughter things when someone's stolen all their dentures..."

>"...Estrus Valley?"

>You tremble.

"I... I don't know. I think I did something to myself to make sure I'd never remember... ever."

>Celestia grimaces. "I... see. Well, I suppose the specifics don't really matter. What does matter is that you've retrieved the Orb. Anonymous..." She gives you a half-lidded sultry stare. "As your Princess, I implore you... I must have it..."

>You push Sun Horse's nose away from your face before she can start drooling on you.

"You remember the deal. You give me what I want and it's all yours, but until then I'll be hanging onto it."

>She snorts. "Oh? And what's to prevent me from just taking it from you right now, my little human?" God you hate it when she calls you that...

 

"Just how dumb do you think I am? I did a little reading before I left. These orbs lose their power if they're not passed from owner to owner willingly. You try to steal it and all you'll get is a useless rock in return."

>The white alicorn pouts and mumbles. "Stupid ancient magical ritual stone rules..."

"What was that?"

>"Nothing, nothing. Very well. Please remind me... what was it you wanted from me again?"

>You cross your arms and give the Sun Princess an incredulous stare.

"Really? Are we really gonna do this? You know damn well what it is!"

>She scuffs her hoof and turns away in an attempt to look cute. "Please forgive me, but when you get to be my age sometimes recent events tend to run together in the mind."

>You take a seat on the floor, facepalm, and rub your temples.

"...Just before I left, she gave me a rough draft of her research into specific nerve mappings for both my dick and her horsevag along with advanced calculations for which positions and thrusting angles would be the most pleasurable for the both of us. It was 450-FUCKING-pages long! I want it to stop, Celestia!!"

>Celestia nods her head in realization. "Right, right. That paper was published in a scientific journal while you were gone, by the way. Luna read it and was quite intrigued by the findings. She asked me to tell you to drop by the next time you were around..."

>A sudden chill runs down your spine. Somehow, you feel you've been down that path before...

 

"Sorry, I don't think that's gonna happen. Now, about my request..."

>Celestia rests on her haunches in front of you and uses a hoof to tilt your head up to meet her gaze.

>"There's no need to worry. I'll begin drafting the necessary documents right away."

>She stands and levitates over several wine glasses along with a bottle of some ancient looking vintage from a hidden wine rack behind the throne. With an effortless surge of her magic the bottle is uncorked and you find a filled glass in your hand.

>"Anonymous, I never in my wildest dreams thought this day would come. All the ponies I've sent on this fool's erra-- er, that is to say, this epic quest have failed to return with an Orb. Now that it's finally here, we have the solution to both our problems."

>She raises her glass and you do the same.

>"To the peaceful and prosperous future which awaits us."

>You nod and down a portion of the wine. As the warm feeling begins to flow throughout your mind and body, you risk a satisfied smile.

>At last, the eternal annoyance that is Twilight Spergle will finally be out of your life forever. No more 'experiments', no more teleporting into your house at all hours, no more rape attempts...

>Today marks the first day of the rest of your life in magical horse land...

>Yeah, things are finally looking up, Anon!

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>You stare down at your bowl full of dry Luna Puffs(tm) Breakfast Cereal. The spoon in your hand trembles as a wave of uncontrollable rage washes over your body.

>A man can only be pushed so far.

>You stand from the kitchen table, walk into your living room and nudge the sleeping mass that's taken over your couch with your foot.

"Wake up. We need to have a little talk."

>The mass of fur and feathers grunts and flops over. A giant white wing rapidly unfurls and proceeds to sweep the contents of your coffee table to the floor, including your favorite mug which promptly breaks in half as it hits the wooden floorboards.

>You suppress a scream.

>"ZZzzzZz *snort* Hmmm? Wha-?"

>Two magenta eyes slowly pull themselves open. You hold up an empty milk carton in front of them.

"What's the number one rule I have? The one I keep telling you over and over again but for some unknown reason it seems to never find a place anywhere in that thick skull of yours?!"

>She blinks a few times and yawns. "If you use the last of something you fucking replace it, Celestia."

"IF YOU USE THE LAST OF SOMETHING YOU FUCKING REPL--!!"

>The white alicorn's shit eating grin from anticipating your speech stops you before you can finish. Slowly, you walk forward, impale the empty carton on her horn and flop down in your recliner to have a good cry and reflect on how your life has gotten to this point.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>It wasn't supposed to be like this. It really wasn't.

>Sometime after your arrival in Equestria, the little purple unicorn that took you in and helped introduce you to horse society with the help of her friends became somewhat smitten with you.

>It was cute at first. You let it slide while gently trying to deflect her advances. You figured as time passed (and she realized she was making no progress out of the friend zone) she'd get over you and start crushing on some random stallion instead.

>But you sorely underestimated her obsessiveness and things just got worse and worse over time...

>It was about the point where she decided it'd be a good idea to stick some things in your various exit-only orifices for the sake of determining your fetish via experimentation that you felt enough was enough.

>None of her friends believed you when you told them, save for the butter yellow pegasus who just nodded and said she was 'expressing her love' and encouraged you to reciprocate.

>But you're no horsefucker, Anon. And even if you were, the old rule still applies: you don't stick your dick in crazy.

>Eventually you started petitioning the Crowns for help via letters and were again ignored.

>It wasn't until you showed up for a face to face audience with Sunbutt that things started moving along. She listened with an attentive, if skeptical ear.

>After airing your grievances, she told you she understood but that her hooves were tied as apparently there are no laws against rape and harrassment of an unknown species from another world in Equestria.

 

>But she offered you an out: if you could retrieve some kind of weird magical rock from some faraway land the Princess would make all your problems go away. You readily agreed because, even if you failed, at least the trip would get you away from your magical purple stalker for a while. You considered it a vacation of sorts.

>It took a few months, but long story short, you got the stone and brought it back. Celestia was ecstatic.

>But what happened next you were in no way prepared for...

>She summoned the spergy little unicorn to Canterlot, gave her a (obviously completely bullshit) speech about how she'd been preparing her for this all her life, and then shoved the stone down her throat.

>And in a flash of magic Twilight Sparkle was an alicorn.

>Yes, that's right. Fucking Sun Horse took Purplesmart, the bane of your existence with powers already far beyond that of your average magic user, and promoted her to godhood.

>Yeah, you were slightly mad about that. But it got worse.

>Celestia then held a private ceremony and crowned Magichorn as the new Princess of the Day, with all the attendant privileges and responsibilities of the position. The snow white alicorn quickly dumped her crown and other regalia onto her former student and proceeded to do a dance of pure joy akin to someone on Maury who just got told the results of the DNA test said he wasn't the father.

>All of this happened within the span of an afternoon.

>At first you were scared and confused, but as you watched it unfold before your eyes you started to understand.

 

>Celestia didn't want to be a Princess anymore, but it's not like she could just walk away from her duties or pile them all upon her recently returned sister.

>No, she needed a successor. And you, with the magical stone you brought back, delivered one right into her hooves. Who knows how many hundreds of years she'd been waiting for this opportunity?

>Regardless, you were bamboozled by this master ruse-mare. Celestia got exactly what she wanted, and your fate was sealed as the newly-crowned Princess Spergle's royal concubine/science project. All you could do was laugh at your own idiocy.

>But then something else surprising happened...

>Celestia leapt from the stage and landed right in front of you.

>She brought her muzzle to your ear and whispered "Thank you." before stepping back and casting the most complex looking spell you'd ever seen. Even Twilight's jaw was on the floor at the display.

>Your entire body was bombarded with magic for what seemed like 10 minutes before the sparkly light show faded and the clearly exhausted and panting white alicorn stepped away. With a smile and a wink she spread her wings and took to the skies, her destination unknown.

>You felt no different... aside from completely confused and lost as to what just happened. But that confusion changed to fear as the hoofsteps of the Princess of Autism approaching you broke the room's silence.

 

>With a lick of her lips and an evil glint in her eyes, she attempted to restrain you with her magic. But for some reason the aura wouldn't take hold. Initially undaunted, she tried a variety of spells but nothing worked.

>It was about this time that you noticed the glowing bands consisting of arcane lettering that circled your wrists, seemingly originating from underneath the skin.

>You came to learn that this was a 'Geas' (Twilight's term) and it meant that as long as Celestia lived, the newly-minted Purple Alicorn could never touch you, physically, magically or legally, in any way, shape or form.

>Your mind was blown for the third time that day. The wily, unpredictable ex-Princess had kept her promise to you after all...

>...

>...

>...

>Your thoughts are interrupted when you feel a comforting wing wrap around your shoulders. A bowl of milk-doused cereal levitates into your hands and you look up to find Celestia's smiling face beaming at you like the sun on a summer's day.

>"Here you are, my little human. I know how grumpy you can get in the morning without your beloved Luna Puffs so I found some milk just for you."

>You grumble and shove a spoonful of sugary goodness into your mouth. Maybe things aren't so bad aft-- wait.

"Where'd you get the milk from? I didn't hear you teleport out."

>"I conjured it."

"Conjured it from where?"

>"From a place." She sighs. "It's magic, Anonymous, if I took the time to explain it your cereal would become soggy and the milk would be wasted. Please, let's not have this conversation now."

 

>You eat a few more spoonfuls of cereal. It's true that your knowledge of magic is limited, so maybe you're worrying about nothing.

>But just in case you sneak a glance over the arm of your chair to the alicorn's lower stomach as she sits on her haunches.

>You spy a single drop of creamy liquid drip from one of her teats to the carpeting.

>Your eyes meet hers as they travel back up her body, and you find her expression unreadable as your chewing ceases and you very, very slowly swallow your mouthful of cereal and milk.

"..."

>You stare at the bowl with a blank look and Celestia pouts.

>"Is it not to your liking?"

>You take another spoonful. It's actually the best milk you've ever tasted, but you'll never, EVER tell her that. -E.V.E.R-

"I guess it's okay. May I ask WHY you felt this was necessary? Couldn't you have gone to the market real quick or something?"

>"I don't have any money. My severance fund is completely exhausted."

"Bullshit, you have like unlimited money. You ruled the whole goddamn kingdom."

>"Yes, ruled. In the past. When I stepped down from the throne I lost my access to the royal treasury."

"Well, your sister's still a princess. Can't you mooch off her?"

>"Lulu's cut me off, Anonymous. She's slightly upset with me right now..."

>You chomp on another spoonful of cereal. Yeah, you can kind of understand that...

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>Celestia disappeared for two weeks after flying away from the private coronation ceremony. Twilight proceeded to have a mental breakdown during that time due to both her new responsibilities and the fact that she couldn't touch you, so the only thing that managed to keep the kingdom from collapse was Luna's leadership.

>The poor Night Princess could have easily handled the raising of the sun and moon and the day to day operation of the government on her own. But throw a constantly sperging out alicorn running around the castle to the mix and she was quickly overwhelmed, not to mention the fact that the populace started becoming increasingly concerned about Celestia's whereabouts.

>When the ex-Princess did finally return to Canterlot (presumably from the beach due to the oversized sunglasses and Hawaiian shirt she was sporting) you could hear Luna chew her out all the way over in Ponyville. She was M-A-D, mad.

>What followed was a week-long transition period where Celestia taught Twilight the ins and outs of being the Sun Princess, capped off with an official public transfer of power. After that, Luna quickly banned Celestia from setting one hoof in Canterlot for the next 100 years.

>Imagine your surprise when you heard a knock on your door that night and opened it to find...

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

>The spoon clatters in the empty bowl. Shit, you even drank all the remaining milk after the cereal was gone. It really was that good.

>The bowl is levitated out of your hands and into the kitchen sink. You watch the light from the nearby window filter through the alicorn's wavy multicolored mane as she turns to you with a subtle smile.

 

>"Would you like some more?"

"N-No. I'm good, thanks."

>"Very well," she yawns again. "I believe we should start our day, Anonymous. It'll be a big one for both of us."

>You raise an eyebrow.

"Oh? You've got plans?"

>"We've got plans. First we'll need to stop by Sugarcube Corner and inform Pinkie Pie that you'll be taking the day off from work."

"What? Why?"

>The white alicorn trots over to the front door and pulls it open to reveal the sunlit streets of Ponyville.

>"So you can help me job hunt, of course! You've been such a gracious host to me so far, it wouldn't feel right for me to continue to take advantage of you without pulling my weight."

>You chuckle.

"It's never stopped you before."

>Her laughter rings throughout the house as you grab your coat and step outside with her.

>You know this is probably a disaster in the making. But unlike her sister or the new Princess, Celestia has a habit of attracting 'fun' disasters most of the time, so they're not always unwelcome.

>These several weeks she's lived with you have revealed a side of her that few have ever seen.

 

>It's kind of like moving in with a girl and discovering she's 10 times more of a slob than you. In Celestia's case it's more like 100 times, but still.

>Her horse musk makes your entire house smell like a sunlit field in spring mixed with hay and oats. No matter how much pony-Fabreeze you spray on the thing, your poor couch will never be the same.

>And her monopolization of the bathroom in the mornings has disrupted the sanctity of your shit-shower-shave ritual more than once!

>But the arcane bands around your wrists that react and shimmer when touched by the sunlight are a reminder of Celestia's Geas and of the fact that it's because of her you're not chained up in Princess Twilight's rape dungeon right now.

>Yeah, you'll live with a few disasters and some annoying habits for this freedom. The debt you owe her is immense.

>A smile finds its way across your face. So starts another day of the rest of your life in Magical Horse Land.

>You close and lock the door behind you and follow after the massive, swishing ethereal tail that's impossible to miss.

 

Next Time on Exchange: Job Hunting