PiE - Assorted Short Stories

FOR SALE:

 

>Life has finally given you a break.  And not just with a job, but a career!

>And your first paycheck just came through the mail.

>For the first time in months, you walk up to your apartment with fresh lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and bacon stuffed in your grocery bags.

>They were on sale, so you bulked up.

>Feels good, man.

>Maybe you could finally move out of this apartment to where there was more room.

>Knocking on the door, you don't bother to wait for an answer.

>There would be none.

>Normally, a certain orange pony would eagerly leap up and tackle you, knocking you to the ground.

>Now you’re lucky if she showed up.

>Still, you think she’ll get used to your new job.  It’ll just take some convincing.

>You just need some time to introduce it to her slowly.

"Applejack?  I'm home."

>"Go away.  I don't need you, or your stinking money!"

>Her words are proud, yet sad.

>You slump your bags against your side as if you had sighed internally.

"You know very well that I need this money bad."

>Walking to the bathroom door, you twist the handle to no avail.

"It's a dog eat dog world out there.  I know you're smarter than this."

>You smell something that reminded you of dad when he was younger.

>Before he kicked the habit.

>Wait.  She couldn't have known.  Applejack can't possibly reach it.

>You run off to the only place where you kept your work.

>In your room, the closet door was swung open, and a chair stands against the entrance.

>Your suitcase is on the bed, along with CD's and papers strewn around.

>One word was in common with them.  The word KOOL.

>The same word lays bare in an ad that features a thin black man in a business suit, laughing with other black people over in a game of cards.

>His face has a devilish grin, assuring himself of winning the big one.

>On the bottom, it reads, 'Bold taste for bold people.'

>Running back to the bathroom door, you slam down the down the door with your foot until the wood breaks.

 

 

>Stupid shitty doors.

>The bathroom reveals Applejack on the toilet, defiantly smoking your sample of cigarettes from work.  She exhales like a sensual mistress, only to catch something and cough a couple of times.

>After she stops and composes herself, her mouth scrunches in a frown.

>"I guess these ads really do work.  I can't stop smokin' these cigar-ettes."

"Do you know what you're doing?"

>She takes another whiff, and coughs.  You snatch it out of her hoof before she starts again.

>"I know what I'm doing.  But do you know, Anon?"

"Yes.  Yes I do," your reply was instantaneous.

>Applejack gently goes back to four hooves and walks off, taking a seat at the kitchen without a word.

"And you're giving me the silent treatment again?"

>She ignores you, and instead pays close attention to the half-wall next to the door.

"After all I'm doing here?  This is for you."

>You wave your hand around only to smirk at your poor choice of words.

"I mean, it's not much now, but give me a month and a prayer, and we can get a real home."

>The floor interrupts, with muffled screaming of some whiny middle aged slut.

>"Shut the fuck up you goddamn skinhead."

>You jump up and down.

"Skinhead?  At least I'm not some welfare bitch wasting my life in front of some TV!"

>That ought to shut her up.

>Applejack lays her head on one hoof, and fiddles with an apple with the other.

>"Least she ain't killin' people," she mutters.

>Spinning the apple in a circle, Applejack shows her best poker face since... ever.

>"It was bad enough that you were an advertiser; that you made a livin’ from lyin' to people without puttin' in an honest day's work."

>Grabbing the stem of the apple with her teeth, she cranes back her neck only to throw the apple with all her strength.

>It missed and hit your shoe rack next to the door, breaking it into a mush of apple pieces and juice, catching onto your suit.

 

 

>"But to lie to me about this?  About tobacco?  Really, Anon?"

>She gallops up to you and rears on her hind legs, her forehooves poke your chest.

>Her face bends downwards though, as if she couldn't bear to look at you.

>A barely audible pitter patter came from the floor.  Applejack's voice was unclear and raw.

>"It's like I've been livin’ with a stranger this whole time."

>With your hands you try to grab her by the shoulders into a hug, but she goes on all fours.

>You awkwardly waved the open air only to look down.

>Applejack walks off to the door, and opens it.  Tears stream down her eyes, and roll off her face, making more splotches on the floor.

>"Goodbye forever, Anon.  I never want to see you again."

>The scale of the situation finally hits you.

"No!  Wait, Applejack!"

>You reach a hand out, but the mare was gone.

>Your only friend; the only one who stuck by you all this time.

>Gone.

"APPLEJACK!"

 

***

 

>It’s after dark when you come back to your apartment.

>To stick out much longer in this neighbourhood is just asking for trouble.

>Applejack left, and there’s nothing you can do about it now.

>Exhausted, you lock the door and walk to the bedroom.

>Swinging an angry hand, your work scatters along the floor.

>Burying your face in the pillow in a futile attempt to hold back the memories, you settle for holding back tears.

>Among the work materials rolling on the floor was a flyer.

>A few houses with pictures of apple trees were circled in black ink.

>The flyer said:

>"Orchard Housing for sale."

FIN

 

***************************************************************************

 

A PONY RIDE:

 

>Applejack and the human pony known as 'Bubbles' stare off from each other.

>Bubbles makes an angry whinny.

>"C'mon there, Bubbles.  I told ya that Terri's mine."

>Bubbles stared blankly at the statment, reading everything through AJ's body language.

>Terri, Bubble's owner, and Applejack's FRIEND paces from side to side.

>All she wanted was to ride on Applejack's back.

>It's not like she can stop either of them when they get this way.

"Don't do this, it's not worth it."

>"I've got no choice.  This 'pony' here is acting outta line."

>She squints her eyes.

>A tumbleweed blew between the two ponies.

>"And now it's time for me to take her off her high horse."

>Applejack paused, turning towards Terri.

>"No pun intended."

>Bubbles charges wildly, taking Applejack's glance away as a weakness.

>She notices, replying with one of her own.

>Terri covered her eyes with her large hands, while still peeking with one eye.

>Applejack's strength tightens her muscles as the two collide, locking their forelegs.

>Her smaller size gave her the perfect wrestling angle for a headbutt towards the neck.

>Applejack chose to pin the alpha mare down to the ground, rather than to bite and kick the pony when she was down.

>Applejack was better than that.

>She raises her head.

>"Now, about that pony ride."

>Terri looks confused.

"Now?  Aren't you tired?"

>"Yep.  Though a pony ride would feel mighty good right now."

***

>Applejack grips Terri's shoulders as she leans back.

>"Yeeeehaw!"

>The human struggles to carry Applejack's bulk.

"This isn't what I had in mind, when I said I wanted a ponyride."

>"It's what I had on mind."

>Terri sighs as she walks off into the sunset with pony in tow.

 

*****************************************************************************************************************

 

>Be Hitler 1946

>Demand that aryan alicorns are masterrace

>Get laughed out of power by Celestia

>Didn't even get the chance to an hero

>Can't sleep, commies will eat you.

>Can't sleep, americans will convict you with genocide and then eat you

>Can't sleep, moon horse will haunt you WW1 all over

>Can't sleep when in process of making newer, shinier, Fourth Reich only for people to laugh and spit at you

>Can't sleep with Steiner laughing at you

>Your life is shit ever since Celestia took your chancellorhood, making Germany a new superpower under the sun while you rot in the gutter

>Pathetic jewish p0nes come in from the portal

>Your face when everything is crumbling around you, and yet you cannot do anything about it

>Instead, it's time for your backup plan

>You stand at one of the streets of old Berlin, now Celestopia, asking people to buy your shitty paintings

>Hitlerstache is now overgrown with your beard

>Be Hitler-Hobo

>One of Celestia's students, Twilight Sparkle, buys one of your paintings

>Her face reveals that it was not because of your artwork

>At least that was what you thought

>Instead, she resells the painting at a high price, saying that it was one of Hitler's old paintings pre-war

>Twilight comes every day, buying painting after painting for what seems like peanuts

>But that money was all you had

>It was spent on cheap booze, and hookers

>Wake up one morning, look at mirror

>See your father in the reflection and smash the hand mirror onto the ground

>Now is the time for crying

>For Germany

>For the fatherland

>For your shattered dreams

>And for Eva, who did not survive the purging

>That bitch, jew, and parasite Celestia!

>How dare she?

>You drown your sorrows in tears and liquor

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

>Tired from your work at being the local Iceman, it was evening when you walked down the street.

>You have to admit that giving ice to people was all right, but 14 hours each workday weren't your style.

>It was time to start looking for another job again.  All you need is to pilfer a few more silver plates from some of the more ritzy places that you deliver...

>Just then you hear a chant.  Must be these newfangled ponies everyone was talking about.

>Instead of looking like regular horses, they look more like that Mr.Mutt cartoon in the papers.

>The two work together, alternating lines as they speak with vigor.

>"He's Flim."

>"He's Flam."

>"Are you tired of saggy eyes and suffering from two sore backs."

>"Gripped under the spell of ennui, or feel that something lacks."

>"Always harkening the call of the wild?"

>"One swig and you will always feel mild."

>They continue for a few dances, always keeping the tonic bottle in the crowd's view while doing so.

>Frankly, it was quite catchy.

>Even if they were selling what you knew was snake oil.

>You swiped a bottle from one of the carts nearby.  Then two.

>After you sell these to some schmuck, you could afford moving further east.

>After the show, you decide to loiter around, and maybe get some bottles in the exchange.

>You creep around the small wooden trailer; the doorway had frosted glass, only revealing shadow puppets

>It looks like there might be a show on.  The sight of a garbage can nearby causes you to duck behind it.

>"Give me back that bottle."

>You see a door open as a bottle flies out of it and into the air.  Reaching in the air with one arm, you just barely caught it.

>You cradle the very same tonic they were hawking in your hands.  Lucky catch.

>"I'm not letting your cocaine addled mind touch another one, brother."

>"You'll have to sleep sometime.  And I'll get my fix when I do."

>The mustached one had a drawl in his voice.  He might be under some of the effects already.

1/2

 

>This was quite interesting.  You might have to look into this one.

>"You hear that?"

>"I hear nothing."

>"Exactly.  What does a bottle do when it hits the ground, Flam?"

>"It smashes."

>The door opens, reveling both brothers levitating Colt handguns not ten meters from you.

>Damn it.  No room for a clean getaway.

>"What's your business here, human?"

>"No funny business."

>You had a hard time knowing who was who under the poor light.

>This is the time to put your hands up slowly.

>This time, you armed yourself with a smile.

"Hello there you two, I would tip my hat at you, but it would seem that my hands are otherwise occupied."

>Their guns still remain pointed at you.

"I just came here for a business proposition for you two, that was all."

>"You?  What do you have to sell?" said Flam, his gun lowering.

>Flim whispered something, causing his gun to point back up.

"Me?  I sell a smile, charm and wit.  As well as something that neither of you possesses.  A human face for your enterprise."

>More whispering followed for a while, as neither their guns or their eyes wavered from pointing at you.

>Their guns lower a bit as their bodies started to relax.

>"If you think you've got what it takes, pitch to us.  Try to sell us that bottle in your hands."

>You pull out all your charm, finishing up with the magic words.

"...and if you buy now, I'll give you another bottle for free.  Always be prepared, I say."

>It must be your best pitch yet.  Even Flim and Flam had a twinkle in their eyes.

>They must be thinking, 'This guy must be great.'

>"All right, you don't suck, and you're worth more to us alive than dead.  What's your name, boy?"

"My name?  It's Charles."

>"Your last name."

>You're not telling them that it's [spoiler]Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi[spoiler].  Why should you?

"My name is Charles Barkley."

 

 

>And that's how the thread gets bumped.

2/2

 

*********************************************************************************************************

 

THAT REALLY GRINDS GIZMO'S GEARS

 

>You jumped up and down with joy, crying and kissing the ground.

"I did it!  I'm now on Earth.  My little human, here I come."

>The only problem was, you were still a pony.

>Gizmo the genius, to be exact.

>Luckily, you had your little robot buddy to help things out.

>Looking at it closely, it resembled a bastard child of a battle bot and Wall-E.

>Wall-E was on the TV screen on episode 23, season 1.  That's how you knew.

"You can play scout, little guy."

>Hiding into the bushes, you let the robot's eyes become your own.

>There were some cars moving really fast, so they were a priority to investigate and learn the traffic laws.

>Finding an inert one might prove to be valuable.

>So Robbo the robot selflessly leads the charge for this expedition.  His robot arms latch onto a bumper.

>You try to lift up to see the license plate to get a closer look.

>It could be one of those hidden jokes that the MLH people were fond of putting in.

"PEN 11S?" [spoiler][/spoiler] > You stifled a laugh as the text hits your viewscreen.

>The microphones pick up the sounds of a car starting.

>You attempt to release the servos on the arms only for them to short out.

"C'mon.  Now now."

>The car starts, dragging your robot like a glorified tin can.

"Robbo.  No!"

>Humans 1; Gizmo 0

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

WHAT IS THE FUNNIEST NUMBER EVER?

 

>This was a once in a lifetime event.

>Having stowed your way amongst the luggage, you're now in CeBIT, the world's largest computer expo.

"Oh my Celestia."

>All of your intellectual heroes.

>All of these booth babes.

>Girls love ponies.  It is a well documented fact.

>One that your innate shyness won't all you to take full advantage of.

"Hey N.I.G.E.R., [spoiler](Next millennium Intelligence Gathering Electronic Robot)[/spoiler] give me some skin."

>You raise your hoof.  Niger complies with his metallic claw.

"Alright!  Now don't forget your mission, Niger.  Get me some of that CeBIT swag, and keep an eye for any VIPs."

>You hide in the bush again, guiding Niger when his AI fails.

>Your console looked like something out of a fighter cockpit.

>All the while, you were paying close attention to the heat gauge.

>The problem, no, engineering decision you made was, if he hits a logic loop, he's programmed to laugh.

>And his laughter circuits had to go somewhere.  Which was right next to the CPU core.

>If only you had time to overhaul the coolant system.

>Then, the console lights up.

>Something urgent came up.

>Urgent enough to stall the prime directive?  Yes.

>"Jugs at ten o'clock," muttered Niger, relaying the audio feed to you.

>Those crotchtits ponies have at home can't compare to what these babes wear every day.

>You ogle her shirt, barely containing the mounds one would consider a pair of breasts.

>Then you caught a crowd gathering on your far left.

"Niger, we must now complete our prime directive.  Head off to the main stage."

>It agrees, and drives off.

>The AI drives through the crowd like a pro, waiting and scanning for the right person.

>The AI log sends an urgent message to you

1/2

 

 

>"Bill Gates detected"

"Nah.  He's not a full-timer in Microsoft anymore.  A has been."

>"Linus Torvalds detected"

"Same reason."

>"Steve Jobs detected"

>You shake the monitor in frustration.

"Now you're playing with me, Niger.  Remember the mission!"

>Nigel bloops a bit, sending sparks everywhere.

>"Seriously though, who is the VIP?"

"It is on a need to know basis.  You'll know it when you see it.  You're programmed to."

>Fortunately, your console lights up like a raver party that just dumped a truckload of glowsticks.

>This was it.

>The man who have brought you so much joy.

>Such a rebel, philanthropist, and genius all at the same time.

>"Swag detected.  Detected.  De-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3"

>You bang on the computer screen.

"Don't do this to me Niger!"

>More bloops come from the robot as he overrides your command, sending you an ASCII of a middle finger.

>While you raged, he sends his own, personal message to the recipient.

>Smoke was coming from the console as Niger blooped even before sending the punchline.

"Don't you fucking do it, Niger."

>"Gabe, is it true that you can't c-c-count to th-th-threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

>Banging on the console, you watch the last of the footage as Gabe waddles away from Niger's flaming wreckage as fast as possible.

>Great.  Now the humans think you're some kind of cyber-terrorist.

>That fucking Niger.

>Humans 13; Gizmo 0.

 

**************************************************************************************

 

Today on the news:

>Local pegasus walks into a retirement home and causes all of the residents within eyesight to die of a mysterious heart attack.

>The pegasus in question is Fluttershy Buttercup, who is being held in captivity for 'displaying acts of excessive cuteness in a public place'.  Now, onto the weather with Barry.

 

>Yes.  The local weather is as follows.  A 100% chance of Sun today, sun tomorrow, and the day after that.  No holdups on the local pegasi weather team, so get out your sunglasses and head off to the beach.  Expect it to be a dry heat, what with the humidity being taken care of from the rainstorm two days ago.  Back to you, Jon.

 

>After the break: Can unicorn magic cause brain cancer?  Stay tuned.

 

**************************************************************************************

 

MY LITTLE PONY, MICHAEL BAY VERSION!

 

***COMEDY***

 

>"Anon, get over here!" shouted Twily, lock and loading her horn.

>You smugly strut over, hands in pockets.

"Yeah, what?"

>Pinks lifts up her tail and lets rip a loud one.

>The rest of her crew laughed.

>Your face curls up in disgust, waving away the offending odor.

>"No, no, come here."

>Bending down closer, you wait for her real orders.

>Which came from her butt.

"Twilight!"

>Pinkie Pie was rolling up in laughter, tears in her eyes.

 

***VILLAIN***

 

>The terrorist known as Discord laughs with a deep voice, "Twily, I now own all of Gascorp.  Do you really think that friendship will stop that nuclear missile from starting the delicious chaos of a new world war?"

>Dash and Fluster bolt off, intercepting the missile, holding the other three ponies as well.

>Only you and Twily remained.

>"Oh, so you think you can take me on?"

>Discord puts his hands to the side, revealing balls of lightning.

>He levitates ever so slightly.

>"That's where you're wrong!"

 

***CLIMAX***

 

>The nuclear explosion detonates just above New York City, and Discord's stunned face looks at the explosion, clawing with his human hand, "my chaos."

>Anon runs back with the Harmonic device and raises it above his head.

"Tell Tartarus that Anon sent you."

>A demonic claw comes from the ground, taking Discord down as he begs and pleads before falling to the crack.

>After that was resolved, Twily turns human again and looks deep into your eyes, mouthing, "I love you."

"I know," you replied with your douchiest smile.

 

***CREDITS***

 

>Discord sleeps in the ground, apparently going through a metamorphosis as the ground bulges up again.

>One claw ripped open the ground, revealing a dragon's head.

>"You can't encase me in stone that easily, Twily."

 

***********************************************************************************************************

 

MO-CAP DASH

 

>The greatest heat storm in the century and you're sitting on a cloud up high where it's cool.

>Being motherfucking Rainbow Dash is great!

>You check the air for planes and stuff before doing some badass tricks.

>People point at you because you're awesome.

>It feels so good being you.

>You land down, expecting people to swarm you.

>Hey, wait a minute!

>Why are they over there?

>You're over here.

>Flying over (because walking is for chumps), you see everyone hanging around mo-cap dog

>This guy here's stealing your thunder.

"Hey everypony.  Watch this!"

>You do a sonic boom just because.

>Mocap dog rolls over, and a small child rubs his belly.  Everypony d'awws.

>You roll on your belly.  Who can resist this?

>Apparently everypony.

>Except bronies, but they're not people.

"Gee, I wish someone would pet me."

>A few bronies tried, but you slapped them away just in time.

>They're still there, paying attention to him.

>You sigh a bit, feeling down.

>But then, you're not the type to give up.

 

***

 

>A brony team worked non-stop creating the best mo-cap Dash ever.

>You were all decked in military gear and everything.

>You paid them by allowing their belly rubs for the privilege of using you in their game.

>'Call of Duty: Dash is best pony edition' was released

>Almost two months later, they were placed in bargain bins everywhere next to copies of Equestria Girls.

"But I was mo-cap.  That's the cool thing, right?" you say to yourself.

>Mo-cap dog just happened to be there, surrounded in bitches.

>No fucks were given by him as you glared lightning bolts at him.

>Go home.

>You and Fluttershy ate Hagen-Dash

>Twilight cheered you up by wearing a Dash hoodie.

>Pinkie told jokes from a Rainbow Dash brand comic book.

>Applejack and Rarity set up a RD Convention, which had a fair showing.

>Nowhere near Mo-cap dog's convention though.

>It was right next door too.

>Right now, being Rainbow Dash wasn't what it was cracked up to be.

 

********************************************************************

 

LIQUID RICHES AND PONY BITCHES

 

>Twilight Sparkle was swirling a test tube around.

>It was a milky white substance, one you knew all too well.

"Why are we doing this experiment again?"

>Twilight snapped at you, saying, "I wonder if humans and ponies can interbreed.  That's all."

"This is stupid."

>Just then, she lost her temper.

>"This is really important.  I mean, um, it's for the good of both of our races."

>That raised some warning flags for you.  Now you have to know.

"There's a test for that, you know.  This doesn't have to be such a big deal just to test if you're preggers."

>"Anon, just fuck off right now."

>She gave you a mean look.  It softened and she took a deep breath, which eased up her shaking body.

>"I mean, I can't just trust the accuracy of something meant for humans."

>Twilight lost focus and the tube shatters.

>"Great.  You've done enough to me already.  Just go."

"Me?  You were the one who asked for it."

>Like you would ever dick a nerd like her.

 

[TWENTY HOURS BEFORE]

>Crushed beer cans lined the floor as you watched Game of Pones on your PC.

>You saw Twilight stumbling around your home when she came back.  She probably wants more beer.

>She nuzzled softly, which just gave an even bigger warm fuzzy feeling than the one you already had.

>"Hey, Anon.  I'm cooler and wetter than that Swiftech H2O-320 Elite Series Triple 120mm Radiator for your PC."

>You could have told her to go home and think about what she did to that poor one-liner.

>Instead, you give her THE look, praying that it didn't look too desperate.

"Oh, yeah?  Well, I prefer pump cooling myself."

>"Well, I have a reservoir out back where you can pump all your coolant inside."

>Twilight licks her lips and shakes her hips.

>Awww yiss.

 

 

>Yeah.

>Protip to self:

>Never drink with Twilight.

>"Anon, could you jerk off for me?  I need another sample."

>And never put your dick in crazy.

 

>Cabbage Picker found the one item in that junk heap that caught your eyes.

>"Found it!" she said; placing the knucklehead engine casing on the ground and appraising it.

>Using the shimmer of her horn, she grabbed and gently placed it between you and its gruff owner.

"How much are you asking for it?"

>The old man puts on a serious face and says, "I'm sorry, but I can't get rid of it.  It was my brother's and I'm not real eager to get rid of it.

>After a few more attempts to make the trip worthwhile, the two of you gave your thanks and left.

>Cabbage Picker was facing the window, moping.

>"I really wanted that casing."

"Well, it would have made this trip worthwhile.  I'll have to speak with old Applejack about that."

>You dial the number.

"AJ, what's up."

1/2

 

 

>"Nothin' much.  Just that the old jukebox is provin' to be a real pain in the keister to fix."

"Yeah.  You might want to drop it though.  Our client got cold feet."

>"You left already?  Yeesh.  We all have been havin' a real string of bad luck lately."

"We can't keep on bleeding money like this."

>"I've been through worse."

"Well, we've got one last lead before heading home.  Not unless you've got something else that might make our trip worthwhile."

>The idea of working a bit later didn't play well with many pickers, but it salvaged many of your trips with Cabbage Picker.

>"Give me the phone John.  I wanna talk with granny."  She tugged at the phone with her magic.

>She snatched it even before you could say anything.

>"Gramma, what's wrong with you?"

>"Now, Cabbage.  I'll tell you again that I'm doing my best."

>"It's not good enough.  You're spending too much time fixing and too little time getting us stuff to fix in the first place."

>You could hear the voice in the phone sigh.

>"Gramma, you've got to learn how to use imail.  Don't just give us some contacts without checking them first!"

>"And I told you I did.  But its this messaging thing that's drivin' me wild."

"Guys, that's enough.  Why don't we just focus on the trip ahead?"

>Cabbage just glared at you.

>"Fine."

>She wrapped up the call with a goodbye and passed the phone back to you.

>That's not going to send AJ on some tirade about respecting your elders when the two of you go home.

>She's normally not that bad when it comes to picking.  It's just that AJ brings the worst out of her.

>An old farmhand and a technophile do not mix.

>Hopefully this next pick will be a better one for both of you.

 

*************************************************

 

"Oh my gosh!  It's here!  It's finally here!"

>Fluttershy was excited to see this day.

>When the shop doors opened, Fluttershy punched and shoved aside the others for to be the first.

>She reached out her neck from the others and grabbed the closest figurine in sight.

>The package said 'Mitchel' on the front.

>And she held the very first one!

>Just then, she felt a tug on the packaging.

"You bitch!" she muffled through her teeth.

>Lyra's magic aura tried to pry it from Fluttershy's gentle, yet firm mouth.

>Fluttershy socked Lyra in the jaw with a flying kick, leaving her staggering.

"Mitchel would never resort to thevery!"

>"Yeah, well you're a faggot," said Lyra when she tackled Fluttershy.

>The two of them went rolling, kicking and screaming right into a supply closet.

>Mops and brooms jabbed Fluttershy along with Lyra's kicks.

>One would not expect it, but Fluttershy deal with worse with her animal friends.

>Lyra was dealt with a solid punch on Lyra's snout.

>Somehow, both of them felt it, though it did not fade.

>The room shaked and shivered.

>It soon grew cold, then hot, and then nothing.

>Fluttershy was surprised to no end when she finally got the nerve to open the door again, only to find giant buildings in the distance.

>Sickly green grass was underneath her hoof, and she felt no magic anywhere.

"Oh. We're not in Equestria anymore, Toto."

>"Bite me."  Lyra shook her head, shaking the spots from her eyes.

>Then Fluttershy saw a human figure.

>His lanky body.

>Greasy hair.

>And the fedora!

>Both Fluttershy and Lyra looked at the packaging, then the human, and then the packaging again.

1/3

 

"Mitchel!" said Fluttershy, as she threw the package away.

>"Mitchel, make love to me!"

>Little hearts came from their eyes as their waifu was obviously unsullied by Morrigan (stupid waifu-stealing slut).

>In his surprise, the brony took his spaghetti and threw it at the ponies, running away.

>"It's aliens.  Fucking aliens."

>Fluttershy wiped the noodles from her forward strands of hair.

>Well, at least he was canon.

>Or rather, Fluttershy's canon.

"We've got a lot of work to do, Lyra.  Lyra?"

>Of course, Lyra was gone.

>Looked like Fluttershy was on her own.

>"Make love to me!" said Lyra, with desperation in her voice.

>"I hope you get sick and die, Xenomorph!"

>Fluttershy walked off, calmly thinking of the situation as Lyra wasted her energy catching up to Michael.

>Soon, she laid on the doormat of his house, waiting.

>This was his home.  So rustic.

>Fluttershy continued to wait in front of the trailer.

>'This will all be worth it,' she thought.

>When Michael got tired of Lyra, he'll sneak back home.

>That's when Fluttershy plotted to use her feminine charm.

>She stood out all night, fighting hypothermia until the sun raised its warmth on the landscape again.

>In her fanfic, Fluttershy assumed that humans used levitation technology to raise the sun up.

>'Looks like it must be the case.  No chariots dragging the sun up,' thought Fluttershy, 'Stupid Lyra.  Why would she think of such a silly headcannon?'

>Just then, Mitchel's tall lanky body walked up from the hill.

>That very same man was carrying Lyra and snuggling her muzzle with his cute little nose.

>Then Fluttershy realized that the two were huge nerds.

"No.  Why did I leave them alone.  No, not my waifu!" yelled Fluttershy.

>Regret and pain intertwined at the sight of her rival eskimo kissing with him.

>Fluttershy galloped off in tears.

>She found a box to hide under, and cried away her pain.

"M-m-muh waifu."

2/3

 

DID THIS EVER HAPPEN TO YOU?

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*************************************

 

>You try to unlock the door, but the key jiggles.

>Hauling the key out, you try again.

>And you miss.

"Goddamn dealer support groups can't do shit," you mumble.

>Finally, you unlock the door and place your Rogers uniform on the coat rack.

>All of your other coats hanging on the rack have fur on them.

>Cat fur.

>You don't have a cat.

"Twilight!"

>A small purple pony walked out of the kitchen with a cat resting on her back.

>Not just any cat though.

>A cat with a dome made from a hollowed out lime.

>It's content to look at you and sway its tail lazily.

>"I'm so sorry, Anon.  I tried to use a summoning spell to bring up a web browser."

>She uses her magic to lift the unresisting feline from her body.

>"This spell was a little too successful."

"Yes.  Because the internet is made up of cats."

>You nursed your brow.

"How bad is it, Twilight?"

>Just then both your ears perked at keyboard cat's familiar tune.

>"Really bad."

>You hesitated to open the door to your computer rig, but after a few deep breaths, you opened the door.

>Longcat's the first to rub against your leg.

>Graphics cat looks at your soul.

>The abomination that must have been Nyan cat is nothing more than a pile of rainbow colored organs rotting alongside your $2k PC.

>And the air was just floating with hairs.

"Twilight, please for the love of God tell me you turned off my rig."

>She can't even look at your face, but you knew the answer.

1/2

 

>"I'm pretty sure that it must have overheated from all the cat hair."

"Well shit, Twilight.  Now what am I going to do after a long day of dealing with idiots?"

>You lifted up the case only to find it was just an empty shell.

"Where is my computer?"

>Twilight was smiling now, sweat rolling down her face.

>"Where is anything really?  Don't you want to watch some TV?  Maybe some game of thrones repeats?"

>After giving her a chilling look, Twilight showed you the charred remains of her attempts to repair the motherboard.

>And the RAM.

>And the graphics card.

>"I'm so sorry.  I can't even do anything to pay you back."

"Actually, you can.  Did you think you can modify your web browser spell?"

>"I think so...  Why are you grinning, Anon?"

 

**************

 

>This was the best decision ever.

>Other than a complaint or two, this new computer was able to really crank up the graphics on Crysis 3 and The Witcher 2.

>Best of all, it's future proof.

>"Anon, my brain feels like it's going to melt."

"Hush.  I'm in the middle of a battle.  I can't save now."

>You shoved an energy drink underneath to keep her quiet and cool her down.

"Twilight, just be thankful I use my phone for porn."

 

******************************************

Ed: Yes, this is meant to be like a children's book, even though it is a shitty one.  Just trying out something different...

 

>Once upon a time, there was a pony.

>Not just any pony, mind you.

>A talking pony!

>A pony whose name was Applejack.

 

>One day, she had her favourite tree, Bloomberg on display.

>She went all the way to the Tree Convention in Boston.

>Applejack was sure to win like the last two years before.

>It was no surprise.  Bloomberg the tree had lots of love and was well cared for.

>Mean Mr.Anonymous had his tree right next to Applejack's.

>He compared his tree to Applejack's.

"If only I was an earth pony.  I would win this for sure!" >Anonymous thought.

>So, Anonymous thought of an evil plan.

>A plan to steal all of Applejack's apples from Bloomberg!

 

>Mean Mr.Anonymous went to Applejack and said to her,

"I believe that I had seen your dog over in the stands."

>Applejack ran off without a word.

>Anonymous greedily took all the apples on Applejack's tree.

>One.

>Two.

>Three.

>Four.

>Five.

>Six.

>Seven.

>Only seven apples?

>Then he realized something and looked at the tag.

>He stole the apples from his own tree.

"Oh no!" [spoiler] [/spoiler]>cried Anonymous.  [spoiler] [/spoiler]"But this is Applejack's tree, not mine!"

>Applejack came back and saw Anon gluing the apples back on his tree.

>She laughed and said, "I figured you'd be doing something tricky.  So I swapped trees."

>Applejack won for the third time in the row.

>Anonymous was kicked out of the competition despite being second place.

>If only Mean Mr.Anonymous had played fair!