Pastebin launched a little side project called HostCabi.net, check it out ;-)Don't like ads? PRO users don't see any ads ;-)

Untitled0 sec ago
Untitled3 sec ago
Untitled4 sec ago
Untitled4 sec ago
Untitled4 sec ago
Untitled6 sec ago
SAMP 0.3xCSS | 9 sec ago
Untitled18 sec ago

Talking in Cursive

By: Fillyslasher on Mar 24th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 26.75 KB | hits: 38 | expires: Never

download | raw | embed | report abuse | print

Text below is selected. Please press Ctrl+C to copy to your clipboard. (⌘+C on Mac)

>You are Tourettes Anon, GODDAMMIT.
>You got transported to that stupid TV show that your faggot son loves so much.
>A portal opened up in your fridge while you were checking for some milk for your cereal.
>You were kneeling on the ground, rooting around in the fridge as usual when it happened.
>You remember your exact words.
“FASHION BUG. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
>So now you’re in tiny horse land.
>At least you don’t have to deal with your bitch wife.
>But mostly your day hasn’t changed.
>You got Twilight to hook you up a magical telephone.
>So now you can call whoever you like.
>It’s nice.
>They don’t always appreciate your efforts though.
>You’re banned from 90% of the shops in P0nyville because you’ve called them something offensive at some point.
>It makes it hard to get your delicious Total.
>You wake up.
>You open your eyes to the bright pastel colours.
“FUCK! HOLY SHIT! ASS!”
>It always catches you off guard.
>You roll over and put your glasses on.
>You get out of bed and start your daily routine.
>You head to the bathroom.
>You start brushing your teeth with this stupid horse toothpaste.
>You have a bone to pick with the p0ny who gave it to you.
>You look at the tube as you scrub your teeth.
>Colgate Total.
>Well they got half of it right.
>You’re just finishing with your oral hygiene when you see a yellow blur go past your frosted window.
>It’s her.
>The thing that just won’t leave you alone.
>Fluttershy.
>The very thought of her just makes you want to...
“BOB SAGET!”
>”Oh, is that your fetish, Anon?”
>FUCK. She got in.
>Now you’re going to have to comb the house this evening looking for the spot where she did.
>You keep on patching up the holes, but she keeps making them.
“NO! I WOULDN’T FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH MY ASS!”
>She cringes at your harsh language.
>She gets exposed to it every day, but she still has the same reaction.
>None of the p0nies like your... colourful, creative flare.
>Not that you can help it.
>Fluttershy recovers from your language and pipes up.
>”S-so, Anon... Have you had breakfast yet?”
“NO, YOU ASSHOLE! I want some bacon and eggs, dear.”
>”W-what?” She’s shocked you would suggest meat, but it’s what you truly crave in this vegetarian hell.
“OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I SAID BACON AND EGGS! FUCK! HOLY SHIT!”
>And now you’ve squeezed the toothpaste tube too hard.
>There’s colgate everywhere.
>It’s all in your neck brace.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
>You’re so frustrated you could throw a shoe.
>Fluttershy has learned to avoid your tantrums in the past.
>She slinks out of the bathroom while you froth at the mouth and spread more toothpaste everywhere.
>You calm down eventually and exit the room.
>It looks like a modern art masterpiece gone wrong.
>”Oh, Anon... Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.”
“BITCH. I love you.”
>There are some benefits to having the yellow Pegasus around.
>You change your neck brace and put on a new tony the tiger t-shirt.
>Now you’re ready to go.
>”Where are we going today, Anon?” Fluttershy asks.
>She’s always next to your side, nuzzling your crotch when she can.
>She’s more like an annoying dog that cooks and cleans for you.
>Kind of like your ex-wife.
“I want two cheeseburgers.”
>”Um... I don’t think you’ll be able to get some...”
>Oh yeah. That whole no meat thing.
>Well you’re not going to let that stop you.
>Even if it means calling up someone in Griffonia.
>You’re sure that with your razor sharp wit and silver tongue you could convince them to... yeah. That wasn’t ever going to go anywhere.
>Well, you still need to get some food.
>And there’s no point in trying to lose Fluttershy.
>So you head out of your house and head on the road to P0nyville.
>You are approached by a Rainbow pony.
"Ah SHIT! Even this world has FAGGOTS!"
>The pony looks at you curiously.
>"Fluttershy is this that Anon you were talking about?"
>Your body flails in a spasm.
"Holy SHIT! It's a bitch?!"
>Raibow pony is shocked, then she laughs.
>You adjust your neck brace,
"Where are your tits?"
>Fluttershy hides in her mane and whines.
>"This guy is so AWESOME!"
>She flies up to you, "you want to go get a drink?"
"Yes! MEN'S ASSES!"
>You leave Fluttershy behind and walk with Rainbow.
>"My name is Rainbow Dash by the way,"
"Well I'd kill myself if my last name was... DASH!"
>She laughs and wipes tears from her eyes.
>"You are SO funny! Let me try!"
>You watch as she clears her throat.
>"Alright, MEN'S... PLOTS! Hahahahaha!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
>Your rage is peaking.
"ARE YOU A LESBIAN?!"
>"No?"
"You are? Well that just means you like, WHAT I LIKE!"
>You pull a corndog out of your sweats pocket and eat it, continuing to walk.
>"Hey Anon?"
>She flies to catch up and rubs her hooves together nervously.
"I don't have time for this chickenshit bullshit..."
>"I was just wondering if that was Daring Mouse on your shirt?"
"What the fuck you talking about?"
>You look down and see sweat rings on your shirt that look like Mickey Mouse's head.
>"See? There's the ears there, and there's his face!"
>You stare at it.
"That's not Daring Mouse that's just TIT DIRT!"
>You finally reach the bar and walk in.
>Rainbow Dash and you have a few beers.
>Eventually you get up to go to the bathroom.
>When you leave you hear Rainbow Dash scream behind you,
>"HOLY SPIT! WHERE'S MY DRINK YOU FOG HAT!"
>You turn and see her smiling at you, waiting for approval as the bar mare fumes.
>You turn and waddle away.
>Appearantly they don't label the bathrooms here.
>You spend five minutes wandering through the back hallways cursing.
>Eventually you find some double doors and start to open them.
>"Hey you're not allowed to go back in there..."
>You turn and see some faggot stallion looking at you.
"I don't give a SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIIT!"
>He runs away and you enter.
"AH SHIT MORE HALLWAYS!"
>There's another door and you push it open.
>You fall into a room full of ponies in hairnets.
>The kitchen.
>The door hits a pony carrying a tray as you open it and he falls.
>They all stare at you.
"Where'd the assholes that built this place put the BATHROOMS?!"
>After relieving yourself and getting in an arguement with the janitor, you go back to the bar.
>When you sit down you notice Dash is very drunk.
>"Okay how about this,"
>She holds her hooves up and concentrates.
>"HORSE POO!"
>Her face lights up and she looks at you waiting for praise.
"This is BULLSHIT!"
>Tired of her, you get up and leave.
>You're hungry.
"I want those two damn cheeseburgers... and I want pickles and ketchup on em..."
>A pink pony appears beside you.
>"Hi! It's Pinkie Pie! Remember me? I know where you can get food."
"Holy SHIT!"
>You flail in shock at her sudden appearance.
"You have BALLS!"
>She stares at you.
>You breathe heavy and stare back.
>"Sooo... You're hungry right?"
"I want two cheeseburgers. And I want pickles and ketchup on em, and don't load it up with a bunch of bull SHIT!"
>She giggles and trots away.
>"Follow me Tourettes Anon!"
>You follow the pink hyperkinetic fuzzball.
>She leads you into an alley, and before you know it you’re in front of a very oddly designed building.
>”Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!”
>The pitch of her voice is starting to grate on you.
>The building you’ve been lead to is a gingerbread house.
>It has gigantic candy canes sticking out of the roof.
>There appears to be a chicken... no, a Pegasus filly stuck by her tongue to one of them.
>”Wet me ‘own!”
>”Silly Scootaloo. Those candy canes aren’t for eating! These are!” Pinkie shouts to her.
>Pinkie disappears in a flash and a puff of smoke, and rushes into the building.
>She comes out with an armful of candy canes.
>She starts throwing them up at the orange filly.
>Scootaloo just buzzes her wings madly, trying to avoid the incoming projectiles.
>Pinkie Pie isn’t deterred though, and manages eventually to lodge one of them in Scootaloo’s nose.
>The filly just lies against the metal cane, defeated.
>”Enjoy yourself, Scootaloo!” Pinkie says.
>And then she trots merrily into the shop, humming a tune as she goes.
>You’d be shocked; except this isn’t the first time you’ve met Pinkie.
>This is pretty much just par for the course.
>You follow her inside.
>You actually like Pinkie.
>Despite her voice and general annoyingness, she’s one of the few p0nies that puts up with you.
>The interior of Sugarcube Corner is just as gaudy as the outside.
>You take it all in, including the pastel coloured horses who were previously shopping, but now have decided to give you the evil eye.
>It’s understandable.
>That one’s a bitch.
>That one’s a whore.
>That one’s a faggot.
>You’ve called each and every one of them something at some point.
>Mrs Cake is behind the counter.
>Pound and Pumpkin cake, her son and daughter, sit behind her.
>”Hi Mrs Cake!” Pinkie cheerily declares.
>”O-oh, hello, Pinkie... Anon.”
>It only now occurs to you that you finally lost the two pegasi that were with you.
>Rainbow Dash is probably passed out.
>And Fluttershy is probably trying to apologise to everyp0ny you encountered in the bar.
>You regret nothing.
“Hello, Mrs DICK!”
>And so it begins.
>Everyp0ny in the shop scowls just a little harder at you.
>You can feel their gazes burning into the back of your head.
>”T-that’s not my name, dearie... And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of language in front of the children...”
>To be honest it could have been a lot worse.
“Sorry. Bitch.”
>That’s the best she’s getting out of you.
>”What can I do for you, Anon?”
>It then occurs to you that you haven’t even had breakfast yet.
“I’d like a bowl of Total. OR COCK.”
>Dammit! You’re trying really hard...
“SHIT.”
>”Ewww, Anon... Total’s so bland and dry!” Pinkie exclaims.
“DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL, YOU SHITTY LITTLE PINK... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!”
>Ah balls. You dun goofed.
>You can’t read minds.
>But you’re pretty sure everyp0ny here wants you dead.
>”We don’t have Total, Anon.”
>The malice in her voice is oh so obvious now.
>You didn’t know that Mrs Cake could even sound threatening.
“Uh... I’ll have a cinnamon bun. AND DON’T GIVE ME ANY MENS ASSES.”
>Arrrgh! You’re just getting more and more worked up!
>”Don’t worry, dearie. There’ll be no chance of that here.”
>You retract your spaghetti and take a seat in the corner of the room with Pinkie.
>She was giggling the whole time through that exchange.
>”Oh, Anon! You’re so silly!”
“I’d like to see you walk a mile... IN MY SHIT!”
>Thankfully everyp0ny has gotten over the initial shock of your presence, and are simply doing their best to ignore you.
>You spot a mother covering her daughter’s ears.
>You’re kind of past feeling bad now.
>Mrs Cake brings over your Cinnamon Buns.
>She doesn’t ask for money. She knows you don’t have any.
>You are living off the state on welfare.
>Graciously, if not begrudgingly provided by Celestia.
>You remember the time Twilight and you went over to Canterlot to explain your situation.
>That was especially awkward.
>Twilight had picked up certain habits of yours.
>She thought swearing was more of a human culture than a nervous tic.
>You remember how the conversation went.
>”Ah, my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. What a pleasant surprise to see you here. What brings you to my castle today?”
>”This FUCKING ASSHOLE here is called Anon. He’s a GODDAMN FUCKING human. He’s unfortunately been displaced from his ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, AND NOW HE CAN’T DO SHIT WITH HIS ASS.”
>Celestia’s face was... priceless to say the least.
>Terrifying would also have been an accurate description.
>But Twilight didn’t even bat an eyelid.
>"Yesterday I read the most interesting FUCKING BOOK! It made MY CUNT TINGLE. How was your day BITCH?”
>You were sweating bullets.
>It took a lot after that to convince Princess Celestia that you meant no harm and instead just wanted to live your life in peace.
>You’re still not sure if you convinced her entirely.
>But you stop thinking about that.
>It’s rustling your jimmies something fierce.
>You pick up your cinnamon bun and bite into it.
>And then you realise that this bun is at least a couple of days old.
>Mrs Cake probably fished it straight out of the trash especially for you.
“DAMN IT THESE BUNS ARE AS HARD AS TITS!”
>This sends Pinkie into a giggling fit.
>She falls off her chair laughing.
>AHAHAHAHA! Anon, whose tits have you been grabbing that feel hard?”
“FUCK YOU!” You reflexively respond.
>And that would have been the end of the conversation until you heard a tiny voice over the deafening silence of the room.
>”Fuck you!” Pound Cake says.
>”Tits!” Pumpkin Cake responds.
>The Cakes’ children have said their first words.
>It’s adorable.
>Unfortunately Mr and Mrs Cake don’t agree.
>You abandon your bun in favour of keeping your hide as you run out the shop.
>”AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU BACK IN HERE AGAIN, I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CURSE ABOUT!” Mr Cake yells after you.
>”Wow! I’ve never seen him that mad, Anon!”
>Oh, Pinkie is with you.
>Well it could be worse.
“I have that kind of effect on ASSHOLES!”
>Pinkie hopping next to you on your way to Twilight’s
>You’re hoping she’ll give you a fucking cheeseburger
>Sure there aren’t any cows
>But she has magic
>Besides after all that time researching magic maybe she can do something useful
>You arrive at the library and kick open the door
>Twilight Sparkle was writing something down
TWILIGHT YOU CUNT! HOW ARE YOU?
>She jumps
>”Oh shit! I’m doing fucking fine!”
>Pinkie Pie giggles at this exchange
>Twilight smiles
>”I was just expecting you ASSHOLE.”
>”I need to show you le trick face.”
It’s trollface, WHORE!
>Her horn glows
>A face begins to morph in midair
>It stretches shifts rapidly
>What comes out is….what the fuck is that?
>Pinkie Pie laughs
>”It’s a monkey!”
>Twilight nods
>”Not just any fucking monkey.”
>She gets a dramatic look
>Obviously trying to impress you
>”Le monkey face.”
THAT’S WRONG BIIITCH!
>Your stomach growls
OH SHIT! I NEED CHEESEBURGERS!
>Twilight doesn’t seem fazed by your outburst
>Because they’re so common
>”Let me try this shit again….”
I want two cheeseburgers I want pickles, and ketchup on ‘em!
>She doesn’t pay attention
>”No need to get your jonnies ruffled Anon.”
JIMMIES, FUCKING JIMMIES!
>Your stomach growls
Sounds like Chewbacca takin’ a shit!
>Pinkie Pie looks puzzled
>”Who’s Chewbacca?”
HE’S A FUCKING FUZZY FAGGOT, LIKE YOU!
>”if I’m ‘Chewbacca’ who are you?”
I’M HAN FUCKING SOLO!
>Twilight Sparkle’s horn glows again
>The face shifts into Bob Saget
>”Le troll dad me-me!”
>Pinkie Pie finds this amusing
>”lelelelelele”
>God damn it!
It’s BOB SAGET!
>Your stomach demands food!
I’m hungry you whore! Give me a cheeseburger!
>”Lol okay Anon, only if you…’upvote’ me.”
>She gets a sultry look
>”For great j-“
NO!
>”Okay okay, fucking fine dick.”
>She conjures up your delicious cheeseburgers
>You open up your hands
>Ketchup sprays everywhere and a pickle flies out and hits your face
>You collapse
>Pinkie Pie prods your body
>”Are you alright?”
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
>You storm out of the library
>Your shirt is ruined
>Looks like you’re going to have to go to that stuck up BITCH!
>Fucking Twilight
>You stalk through the town square, arms flailing.
>You find it hard to control them when you’re angry.
>Pinkie is walking with you on two legs, flailing as well.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
>”You said to walk a mile in your doodie! So I’m trying to be like you!” She responds with a smile on her face.
“WELL GO DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU GIGANTIC FAGGOT!”
>Then for the first time in your life you see Pinkie stop entirely still.
>She sits down on her haunches in the middle of the street.
>You look down at her.
>She looks like she’s about to burst into treats.
>You wouldn’t put it past her that she actually has the ability to explode into candy.
>All time slows down for a moment.
>And then the waterworks start.
>Her eyes erupt in dual fountains of tears.
>She creates salty puddles either side of her.
>She wails loudly.
>And yet again, everybody in the vicinity has their eyes trailed on you.
>As if you’re the bad guy.
>Well, ok. You’ve pissed off a lot of p0nies today, but that doesn’t make you the bad guy!
>You feel your spaghetti rising in your pockets.
>You need to get out of here before you wreck any more lives.
>You can apologise to Pinkie later.
>You slink off towards your destination.
>The place where boys and manchildren fear to tread.
>Carousel Boutique.
>The last guy to go in there ended up crossdressing.
>But it’s the only place where you can get your tailored tony the tiger t-shirts.
>You rescind your pasta trail before you get to the door and prepare yourself.
>Apart from the fabulously designed clothing you can buy here, there’s something else you want.
>You open the door and see her engrossed in the middle of her trade.
>Rarity...
>But she’s standing with another p0ny.
>The one p0ny you hate more than Fluttershy.
>Colgate.
>Rarity turns to you as you enter.
>”Oh, Anon, darling. It’s you.”
>She’s slightly cold in her tone.
>Which doesn’t surprise you.
>Last time you were here you drove off all of her clientele.
>It’s not your fault they were all dicks.
>You just had to tell them so.
>Colgate notices you as well from her position on the measuring podium.
>”Anon, you didn’t turn up for your appoint-“
>You cut her off with your shouting.
“RARITY, THAT PURPLE WHORE IN THE SHIT TREE MESSED UP MY SHIRT!”
>The two ponies in front of you wear horrified faces, their mouths open aghast.
>”Anon! I thought I told you to refrain from using such horrid language in my boutique!” Rarity chides.
“BITCH, I LOVE YOU.”
>You think you just expressed in those four words the extent of your infinite admiration and desire to be with this magnificent woman.
>Which is why it confuses you when she looks even more horrified than before.
>But then it occurs to you.
>She must be afraid to show her true feelings while that minty bitch is around.
>She decides to speak up.
>”Anon, you cut me off! I was trying to say...”
>You don’t have time to listen to her!
>Your beloved Rarity is in the room!
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU CUNT SUCKING... WHOOOOOOOOOOORE! AND ANOTHER THING. YOU CAN SUCK MY ASS AND DICK. OR COCK.”
>Colgate starts to tear up in reaction to your outburst.
>That’s two p0nies today.
>Not your personal best, but it’ll do.
>This sets Rarity off.
>”ANON! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU ACT LIKE A BRUTE IN MY STORE ANYMORE! I FORBID YOU TO COME IN HERE EVER AGAIN SO LONG AS YOU KEEP ACTING SO UNCOUTH!”
>What?!
>This can’t be!
>You were just trying to get that blue bitch away from your love!
>And now she’s gone and gotten you banned from Rarity’s shop!
>Rarity’s horn lights up and she drags you outside.
>You obviously protest.
“HOLY FUCK! PUT ME DOWN! I’LL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! OR ASS!”
>Rarity fails to see the urgency in your pleas and throws you outside on your butt.
>It hurts, but not as much as the rejection from the object of your affection.
>”And stay out until you learn some manners!” She adds.
>This, of course draws the attention and ire of everyp0ny in the square.
>And yet again your pasta returns in full force.
>Rarity trots back into the shop, leaving you sitting sheepishly in the road.
>You hastily pick yourself off and slink off back in the direction of your house.
>You haven’t gone to apologise to Pinkie, but you can’t handle all these p0nies staring at you.
>You get home in record time and you know exactly what you need to calm you down.
>You head straight to your fridge and get on your knees.
>You open the fridge and take out a beer.
>You crack it open.
>You take a good, long swig.
>That’s the stuff.
>At least you can get some cheap booze in Equestria.
>It almost makes the days worthwhile.
>And then there’s a knock at the door.
>And you remember why you use the word ‘almost.’
>You get your ass up and answer the door
>That yellow dog is beaming at you happily
>Her mouth is gripping onto a bag
What’s in the shitty bag?
>She frowns but motions for you to take the bag
>You grab it
>”I have the cheeseburgers you wanted.”
Holy fuck!
>She flinches
>You ruffle her mane, and she smiles nervously
>You open the bag and pull out a cheeseburger
>You bite into it
>She squees
>Wait a minute
>Lettuce
>Tomatoes
>Ketchup
>Pickles~
>Buns
>A bunch of cheese
>In fact it’s like a patty of cheese
>And it’s fried!
What the fuck!
>You say this through a mouthful of food
>Some crumbs spray her face
>Fluttershy squeaks
>”BOB SAGET! Make it again!”
>She frowns
>”I made what you asked mister….”
>Grumble swears under your breath
>”I h-heard that.”
>You finish the first cheeseburger
>The next one looks better
>It looks like it has some substance to it
>She looks happy as you’re about to bite into it
>Wait a fucking minute
>You pull off the top bun
>There’s a horse tranquilizer the size of your ass in here
>She giggles nervously
>”Um…”
THIS ISN’T MEAT YOU WHORE!
>Throw it at her
>”I’m just trying to make you happy mister, don’t give me that Sugar Honeyed Iced Tea!”
>Oh that bitch!
>That’s it, that’s the worst thing anyone’s said to you all day!
>You pick her up
>”Eep!”
>The window is open
>Throw her out of it
>Lock the window
>You sit down on the couch
>There’s your magic phone
>You use it to contact Celestia, the bitch with the big ass
>You’re supposed to tell her what you learned about friendship or something
>But right now you’re going to tell her about the most despicable faggot in Ponyville!
>You pick up the phone
>It takes a while
>In fact there’s some music while you’re put on hold
>”My Little Pony, My Little Pony~”
I hope this is the Gen 4 version of this song, not that GEN 3 piece of SHIT!
>”Rainbow Dash always dresses in style.”
FUUUUUUUUUCK!
>”Excuse me?”
Oh um, Princess Celestia . That was fast….aaaaah fuck!
>She sighs
>”Is there something you learned about friendship Anonymous?”
NO!
>”Are you sure?”
NO!
>”I see….”
>”Is there any reason you called me? I have a very busy job.”
Yes! I’m here to complain about a certain pony!
>”Why?”
She is the most inconsiderate WHORE I’ve ever met!
>If she wasn’t there Rarity would have been all over you
>And you would have a new shirt
>Not with one with all the sparkly gem crap though
>”Who? What did she do.”
I’m here to complain about Colgate, she made me FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT!
>Celestia doesn’t respond for a few moments
>”Alright I’ll see what I can do.”
>Really?
I WANT HER FUCKING EXECUTED!
>”I’ll deal with this, but I won’t do that.”
>Good enough
Goodbye bitch!
>You hang up the phone
>That Colgate is going to get what she deserves
>You chug the rest of your beer
>It makes you sleepy
>You pass out on the couch
>You’re prancing in a field full of cheese burgers
>Well cheeseburger flowers
>It’s warm and sunny
>You’re feeling like a star
>Nothing can stop your shine
>Your stomach roars like Chewbacca
>You reach the top of a hill
>A large burger flower is there
>You pull it off its stem
>You lift it to your mouth
>”Anon….oh Anon~”
Who the FUCK said that?
>”It’s me baby.”
WHO?
>”The burger…”
Oh…..HOLY SHIT!
>”Don’t be that way, I’m full of meat….”
>You lick your lips
>Your stomach sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit now
>”Hot, juicy meat~.”
>”But first I want to try your meat.”
Bitch, you’re speaking my language
>You unzip your pants
>Lower the cheeseburger to your crotch
>As you’re about to insert it and give this burger some mayonnaise you hear someone approach
>”Hello Anon!”
>Oh shit!
>Everything around you disappears
>You are in a field.
"If that FAGGOT ASS Sweetie cunt shows up and says-"
>A pony steps out of the bushes.
"FUUUUUCK!"
>She backs up and screams, "BLUAAAAARG?!"
>This continues back and forth for a while.
>Eventually she smiles.
>"Hello Anon, we are the princess Luna!"
>You see Sweetie Belle approach and immediately grab her.
"NOT IN THIS DREAM! FUCK YOU KID!"
>She struggles, "but I-"
>You toss her into a tree,
"YOU'RE A FAGGOT!"
>Luna stares.
"What do you want you BACKWARDS AUTISTIC RETARD?!"
>She approaches you.
>"My... Thine speech is so... *BLAURGH* becoming..."
>You can smell her hot horse snatch from here.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIIT!"
>You turn and hobble away.
>Luna begins to fly after you,
>"There is no escape FROM THE ROYAL WET DREAM!"
>You hide in a bush and pull off your shoe.
"I'LL THROW MY SHOE AT YOUR FAGGOT ASS!"
>You launch a velcro sneaker at her.
>"BLAUUUUUUURGH!"
>It hits her in the face and she crashes into a tree.
>You actually laugh for the first time since coming here.
>Your laughter turns into choking.
"Fuck. Shit *cough* AH SHIT!"
>You hobble away into the forest choking and cursing Bob Saget.
>"WAIT FOR US ANON!"
>Ah shit, Luna is flying after you again.
>She tackles you and pins your arms.
>"Anon... You do not know how much we want your human rod inside of us..."
>You roll your head, popping your neck brace off.
"I'm not putting ASS in SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIT!"
>She kisses you all over your face and neck sloppily with little experience.
"AH SHIT! I'm not some REDNECK backwoods HORSEFUCKER!"
>Suddenly your clothes disappear,
>"Tonight, you are."
"This is the second time I've been FUCKED BY DAIRY QUEEN!"
>She slides her sloppy mare cunt onto your cock.
"SHIT!"
>She pauses and looks at you,
>"Are you alright Anon? What are you thinking?"
>You turn away from her.
"Ronald Mcgoddam Donald..."
>Your cheesburgers are all you can think about.
>In a burst of rage you throw Luna off.
"FUUUUUUUUUCK!"
>You begin to go Tourettesayan and the dream fades.
>You wake up with a wet pair of sweatpants on.
"I'M PISSED!"
>You hear the phone ring in the living room and just know it's Twilight calling.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
>You throw a beer bottle at your clock and it smashes.
"I'm getting a new phone!"
>You answer it and begin screaming.
"TWILIGHT, I WANT A NEW DAMN PHONE, AND IF I DON'T GET A FULL REFUND, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT AND TAKE MY BUSINESS TO COLTCAST!"
>Silence.
"And once you see my dick, YOU WON'T WANT IT!"
>Twilight snorts,
>"Lelelelele I trick you! Letter y are you angry though?!"
"AH BOB SAGET!"
>You slam the phone down and run back to your room screaming.
>Just another day in Equestria.
SHIT!
END?

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

>You are Tourettes Anon, GODDAMMIT.
>You got transported to that stupid TV show that your faggot son loves so much.
>A portal opened up in your fridge while you were checking for some milk for your cereal.
>You were kneeling on the ground, rooting around in the fridge as usual when it happened.
>You remember your exact words.
“FASHION BUG. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
>So now you’re in tiny horse land.
>At least you don’t have to deal with your bitch wife.
>But mostly your day hasn’t changed.
>You got Twilight to hook you up a magical telephone.
>So now you can call whoever you like.
>It’s nice.
>They don’t always appreciate your efforts though.
>You’re banned from 90% of the shops in P0nyville because you’ve called them something offensive at some point.
>It makes it hard to get your delicious Total.
>You wake up.
>You open your eyes to the bright pastel colours.
“FUCK! HOLY SHIT! ASS!”
>It always catches you off guard.
>You roll over and put your glasses on.
>You get out of bed and start your daily routine.
>You head to the bathroom.
>You start brushing your teeth with this stupid horse toothpaste.
>You have a bone to pick with the p0ny who gave it to you.
>You look at the tube as you scrub your teeth.
>Colgate Total.
>Well they got half of it right.

>You’re just finishing with your oral hygiene when you see a yellow blur go past your frosted window.
>It’s her.
>The thing that just won’t leave you alone.
>Fluttershy.
>The very thought of her just makes you want to...
“BOB SAGET!”
>”Oh, is that your fetish, Anon?”
>FUCK. She got in.
>Now you’re going to have to comb the house this evening looking for the spot where she did.
>You keep on patching up the holes, but she keeps making them.
“NO! I WOULDN’T FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH MY ASS!”
>She cringes at your harsh language.
>She gets exposed to it every day, but she still has the same reaction.
>None of the p0nies like your... colourful, creative flare.
>Not that you can help it.
>Fluttershy recovers from your language and pipes up.
>”S-so, Anon... Have you had breakfast yet?”
“NO, YOU ASSHOLE! I want some bacon and eggs, dear.”
>”W-what?” She’s shocked you would suggest meat, but it’s what you truly crave in this vegetarian hell.
“OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I SAID BACON AND EGGS! FUCK! HOLY SHIT!”
>And now you’ve squeezed the toothpaste tube too hard.
>There’s colgate everywhere.
>It’s all in your neck brace.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
>You’re so frustrated you could throw a shoe.

>Fluttershy has learned to avoid your tantrums in the past.
>She slinks out of the bathroom while you froth at the mouth and spread more toothpaste everywhere.
>You calm down eventually and exit the room.
>It looks like a modern art masterpiece gone wrong.
>”Oh, Anon... Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.”
“BITCH. I love you.”
>There are some benefits to having the yellow Pegasus around.
>You change your neck brace and put on a new tony the tiger t-shirt.
>Now you’re ready to go.
>”Where are we going today, Anon?” Fluttershy asks.
>She’s always next to your side, nuzzling your crotch when she can.
>She’s more like an annoying dog that cooks and cleans for you.
>Kind of like your ex-wife.
“I want two cheeseburgers.”
>”Um... I don’t think you’ll be able to get some...”
>Oh yeah. That whole no meat thing.
>Well you’re not going to let that stop you.
>Even if it means calling up someone in Griffonia.
>You’re sure that with your razor sharp wit and silver tongue you could convince them to... yeah. That wasn’t ever going to go anywhere.
>Well, you still need to get some food.
>And there’s no point in trying to lose Fluttershy.
>So you head out of your house and head on the road to P0nyville.

>You are approached by a Rainbow pony.
"Ah SHIT! Even this world has FAGGOTS!"
>The pony looks at you curiously.
>"Fluttershy is this that Anon you were talking about?"
>Your body flails in a spasm.
"Holy SHIT! It's a bitch?!"
>Raibow pony is shocked, then she laughs.
>You adjust your neck brace,
"Where are your tits?"
>Fluttershy hides in her mane and whines.
>"This guy is so AWESOME!"
>She flies up to you, "you want to go get a drink?"
"Yes! MEN'S ASSES!"
>You leave Fluttershy behind and walk with Rainbow.
>"My name is Rainbow Dash by the way,"
"Well I'd kill myself if my last name was... DASH!"
>She laughs and wipes tears from her eyes.
>"You are SO funny! Let me try!"
>You watch as she clears her throat.
>"Alright, MEN'S... PLOTS! Hahahahaha!"
"HOLY SHIT!"
>Your rage is peaking.
"ARE YOU A LESBIAN?!"
>"No?"
"You are? Well that just means you like, WHAT I LIKE!"
>You pull a corndog out of your sweats pocket and eat it, continuing to walk.
>"Hey Anon?"
>She flies to catch up and rubs her hooves together nervously.
"I don't have time for this chickenshit bullshit..."
>"I was just wondering if that was Daring Mouse on your shirt?"
"What the fuck you talking about?"
>You look down and see sweat rings on your shirt that look like Mickey Mouse's head.
>"See? There's the ears there, and there's his face!"
>You stare at it.
"That's not Daring Mouse that's just TIT DIRT!"
>You finally reach the bar and walk in.

>Rainbow Dash and you have a few beers.
>Eventually you get up to go to the bathroom.
>When you leave you hear Rainbow Dash scream behind you,
>"HOLY SPIT! WHERE'S MY DRINK YOU FOG HAT!"
>You turn and see her smiling at you, waiting for approval as the bar mare fumes.
>You turn and waddle away.
>Appearantly they don't label the bathrooms here.
>You spend five minutes wandering through the back hallways cursing.
>Eventually you find some double doors and start to open them.
>"Hey you're not allowed to go back in there..."
>You turn and see some faggot stallion looking at you.
"I don't give a SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIIT!"
>He runs away and you enter.
"AH SHIT MORE HALLWAYS!"
>There's another door and you push it open.
>You fall into a room full of ponies in hairnets.
>The kitchen.
>The door hits a pony carrying a tray as you open it and he falls.
>They all stare at you.
"Where'd the assholes that built this place put the BATHROOMS?!"

>After relieving yourself and getting in an arguement with the janitor, you go back to the bar.
>When you sit down you notice Dash is very drunk.
>"Okay how about this,"
>She holds her hooves up and concentrates.
>"HORSE POO!"
>Her face lights up and she looks at you waiting for praise.
"This is BULLSHIT!"
>Tired of her, you get up and leave.
>You're hungry.
"I want those two damn cheeseburgers... and I want pickles and ketchup on em..."
>A pink pony appears beside you.
>"Hi! It's Pinkie Pie! Remember me? I know where you can get food."
"Holy SHIT!"
>You flail in shock at her sudden appearance.
"You have BALLS!"
>She stares at you.
>You breathe heavy and stare back.
>"Sooo... You're hungry right?"
"I want two cheeseburgers. And I want pickles and ketchup on em, and don't load it up with a bunch of bull SHIT!"
>She giggles and trots away.
>"Follow me Tourettes Anon!"

>You follow the pink hyperkinetic fuzzball.
>She leads you into an alley, and before you know it you’re in front of a very oddly designed building.
>”Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!”
>The pitch of her voice is starting to grate on you.
>The building you’ve been lead to is a gingerbread house.
>It has gigantic candy canes sticking out of the roof.
>There appears to be a chicken... no, a Pegasus filly stuck by her tongue to one of them.
>”Wet me ‘own!”
>”Silly Scootaloo. Those candy canes aren’t for eating! These are!” Pinkie shouts to her.
>Pinkie disappears in a flash and a puff of smoke, and rushes into the building.
>She comes out with an armful of candy canes.
>She starts throwing them up at the orange filly.
>Scootaloo just buzzes her wings madly, trying to avoid the incoming projectiles.
>Pinkie Pie isn’t deterred though, and manages eventually to lodge one of them in Scootaloo’s nose.
>The filly just lies against the metal cane, defeated.
>”Enjoy yourself, Scootaloo!” Pinkie says.
>And then she trots merrily into the shop, humming a tune as she goes.
>You’d be shocked; except this isn’t the first time you’ve met Pinkie.
>This is pretty much just par for the course.
>You follow her inside.
>You actually like Pinkie.
>Despite her voice and general annoyingness, she’s one of the few p0nies that puts up with you.
>The interior of Sugarcube Corner is just as gaudy as the outside.
>You take it all in, including the pastel coloured horses who were previously shopping, but now have decided to give you the evil eye.
>It’s understandable. 
>That one’s a bitch.
>That one’s a whore.
>That one’s a faggot.

>You’ve called each and every one of them something at some point.
>Mrs Cake is behind the counter.
>Pound and Pumpkin cake, her son and daughter, sit behind her.
>”Hi Mrs Cake!” Pinkie cheerily declares.
>”O-oh, hello, Pinkie... Anon.”
>It only now occurs to you that you finally lost the two pegasi that were with you.
>Rainbow Dash is probably passed out.
>And Fluttershy is probably trying to apologise to everyp0ny you encountered in the bar.
>You regret nothing.
“Hello, Mrs DICK!”
>And so it begins.
>Everyp0ny in the shop scowls just a little harder at you.
>You can feel their gazes burning into the back of your head.
>”T-that’s not my name, dearie... And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use that kind of language in front of the children...”
>To be honest it could have been a lot worse.
“Sorry. Bitch.”
>That’s the best she’s getting out of you.
>”What can I do for you, Anon?”
>It then occurs to you that you haven’t even had breakfast yet.
“I’d like a bowl of Total. OR COCK.”
>Dammit! You’re trying really hard...
“SHIT.”
>”Ewww, Anon... Total’s so bland and dry!” Pinkie exclaims.
“DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL, YOU SHITTY LITTLE PINK... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!”
>Ah balls. You dun goofed.
>You can’t read minds.
>But you’re pretty sure everyp0ny here wants you dead.
>”We don’t have Total, Anon.”
>The malice in her voice is oh so obvious now.
>You didn’t know that Mrs Cake could even sound threatening.
“Uh... I’ll have a cinnamon bun. AND DON’T GIVE ME ANY MENS ASSES.”

>Arrrgh! You’re just getting more and more worked up!
>”Don’t worry, dearie. There’ll be no chance of that here.”
>You retract your spaghetti and take a seat in the corner of the room with Pinkie.
>She was giggling the whole time through that exchange.
>”Oh, Anon! You’re so silly!”
“I’d like to see you walk a mile... IN MY SHIT!”
>Thankfully everyp0ny has gotten over the initial shock of your presence, and are simply doing their best to ignore you.
>You spot a mother covering her daughter’s ears.
>You’re kind of past feeling bad now.
>Mrs Cake brings over your Cinnamon Buns.
>She doesn’t ask for money. She knows you don’t have any.
>You are living off the state on welfare.
>Graciously, if not begrudgingly provided by Celestia.
>You remember the time Twilight and you went over to Canterlot to explain your situation.
>That was especially awkward.
>Twilight had picked up certain habits of yours.
>She thought swearing was more of a human culture than a nervous tic.
>You remember how the conversation went.
>”Ah, my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. What a pleasant surprise to see you here. What brings you to my castle today?”
>”This FUCKING ASSHOLE here is called Anon. He’s a GODDAMN FUCKING human. He’s unfortunately been displaced from his ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, AND NOW HE CAN’T DO SHIT WITH HIS ASS.”
>Celestia’s face was... priceless to say the least.
>Terrifying would also have been an accurate description.
>But Twilight didn’t even bat an eyelid.
>"Yesterday I read the most interesting FUCKING BOOK! It made MY CUNT TINGLE. How was your day BITCH?”
>You were sweating bullets.

>It took a lot after that to convince Princess Celestia that you meant no harm and instead just wanted to live your life in peace.
>You’re still not sure if you convinced her entirely.
>But you stop thinking about that.
>It’s rustling your jimmies something fierce.
>You pick up your cinnamon bun and bite into it.
>And then you realise that this bun is at least a couple of days old.
>Mrs Cake probably fished it straight out of the trash especially for you.
“DAMN IT THESE BUNS ARE AS HARD AS TITS!”
>This sends Pinkie into a giggling fit.
>She falls off her chair laughing.
>AHAHAHAHA! Anon, whose tits have you been grabbing that feel hard?”
“FUCK YOU!” You reflexively respond.
>And that would have been the end of the conversation until you heard a tiny voice over the deafening silence of the room.
>”Fuck you!” Pound Cake says.
>”Tits!” Pumpkin Cake responds.
>The Cakes’ children have said their first words.
>It’s adorable.
>Unfortunately Mr and Mrs Cake don’t agree.
>You abandon your bun in favour of keeping your hide as you run out the shop.
>”AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU BACK IN HERE AGAIN, I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CURSE ABOUT!” Mr Cake yells after you.
>”Wow! I’ve never seen him that mad, Anon!”
>Oh, Pinkie is with you.
>Well it could be worse.
“I have that kind of effect on ASSHOLES!”

>Pinkie hopping next to you on your way to Twilight’s
>You’re hoping she’ll give you a fucking cheeseburger
>Sure there aren’t any cows
>But she has magic
>Besides after all that time researching magic maybe she can do something useful
>You arrive at the library and kick open the door
>Twilight Sparkle was writing something down
TWILIGHT YOU CUNT! HOW ARE YOU?
>She jumps
>”Oh shit! I’m doing fucking fine!”
>Pinkie Pie giggles at this exchange
>Twilight smiles
>”I was just expecting you ASSHOLE.”
>”I need to show you le trick face.”
It’s trollface, WHORE!
>Her horn glows
>A face begins to morph in midair
>It stretches shifts rapidly
>What comes out is….what the fuck is that?
>Pinkie Pie laughs
>”It’s a monkey!”
>Twilight nods
>”Not just any fucking monkey.”
>She gets a dramatic look
>Obviously trying to impress you
>”Le monkey face.”
THAT’S WRONG BIIITCH!
>Your stomach growls
OH SHIT! I NEED CHEESEBURGERS!
>Twilight doesn’t seem fazed by your outburst
>Because they’re so common
>”Let me try this shit again….”
I want two cheeseburgers I want pickles, and ketchup on ‘em!
>She doesn’t pay attention
>”No need to get your jonnies ruffled Anon.”
JIMMIES, FUCKING JIMMIES!
>Your stomach growls
Sounds like Chewbacca takin’ a shit!
>Pinkie Pie looks puzzled
>”Who’s Chewbacca?”
HE’S A FUCKING FUZZY FAGGOT, LIKE YOU!
>”if I’m ‘Chewbacca’ who are you?”
I’M HAN FUCKING SOLO!

>Twilight Sparkle’s horn glows again
>The face shifts into Bob Saget
>”Le troll dad me-me!”
>Pinkie Pie finds this amusing
>”lelelelelele”
>God damn it!
It’s BOB SAGET! 
>Your stomach demands food!
I’m hungry you whore! Give me a cheeseburger!
>”Lol okay Anon, only if you…’upvote’ me.”
>She gets a sultry look
>”For great j-“
NO!
>”Okay okay, fucking fine dick.”
>She conjures up your delicious cheeseburgers
>You open up your hands
>Ketchup sprays everywhere and a pickle flies out and hits your face
>You collapse
>Pinkie Pie prods your body
>”Are you alright?”
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
>You storm out of the library
>Your shirt is ruined
>Looks like you’re going to have to go to that stuck up BITCH!
>Fucking Twilight

>You stalk through the town square, arms flailing.
>You find it hard to control them when you’re angry.
>Pinkie is walking with you on two legs, flailing as well.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
>”You said to walk a mile in your doodie! So I’m trying to be like you!” She responds with a smile on her face.
“WELL GO DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU GIGANTIC FAGGOT!”
>Then for the first time in your life you see Pinkie stop entirely still.
>She sits down on her haunches in the middle of the street.
>You look down at her.
>She looks like she’s about to burst into treats.
>You wouldn’t put it past her that she actually has the ability to explode into candy.
>All time slows down for a moment.
>And then the waterworks start.
>Her eyes erupt in dual fountains of tears.
>She creates salty puddles either side of her.
>She wails loudly.
>And yet again, everybody in the vicinity has their eyes trailed on you.
>As if you’re the bad guy.
>Well, ok. You’ve pissed off a lot of p0nies today, but that doesn’t make you the bad guy!
>You feel your spaghetti rising in your pockets.
>You need to get out of here before you wreck any more lives.
>You can apologise to Pinkie later.
>You slink off towards your destination.
>The place where boys and manchildren fear to tread.
>Carousel Boutique.
>The last guy to go in there ended up crossdressing.
>But it’s the only place where you can get your tailored tony the tiger t-shirts.

>You rescind your pasta trail before you get to the door and prepare yourself.
>Apart from the fabulously designed clothing you can buy here, there’s something else you want.
>You open the door and see her engrossed in the middle of her trade.
>Rarity...
>But she’s standing with another p0ny.
>The one p0ny you hate more than Fluttershy.
>Colgate.
>Rarity turns to you as you enter.
>”Oh, Anon, darling. It’s you.”
>She’s slightly cold in her tone.
>Which doesn’t surprise you.
>Last time you were here you drove off all of her clientele.
>It’s not your fault they were all dicks.
>You just had to tell them so.
>Colgate notices you as well from her position on the measuring podium.
>”Anon, you didn’t turn up for your appoint-“
>You cut her off with your shouting.
“RARITY, THAT PURPLE WHORE IN THE SHIT TREE MESSED UP MY SHIRT!”
>The two ponies in front of you wear horrified faces, their mouths open aghast.
>”Anon! I thought I told you to refrain from using such horrid language in my boutique!” Rarity chides.
“BITCH, I LOVE YOU.”
>You think you just expressed in those four words the extent of your infinite admiration and desire to be with this magnificent woman.
>Which is why it confuses you when she looks even more horrified than before.
>But then it occurs to you.
>She must be afraid to show her true feelings while that minty bitch is around.
>She decides to speak up.
>”Anon, you cut me off! I was trying to say...”
>You don’t have time to listen to her!
>Your beloved Rarity is in the room!

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU CUNT SUCKING... WHOOOOOOOOOOORE! AND ANOTHER THING. YOU CAN SUCK MY ASS AND DICK. OR COCK.”
>Colgate starts to tear up in reaction to your outburst.
>That’s two p0nies today.
>Not your personal best, but it’ll do.
>This sets Rarity off.
>”ANON! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU ACT LIKE A BRUTE IN MY STORE ANYMORE! I FORBID YOU TO COME IN HERE EVER AGAIN SO LONG AS YOU KEEP ACTING SO UNCOUTH!”
>What?!
>This can’t be!
>You were just trying to get that blue bitch away from your love!
>And now she’s gone and gotten you banned from Rarity’s shop!
>Rarity’s horn lights up and she drags you outside.
>You obviously protest.
“HOLY FUCK! PUT ME DOWN! I’LL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! OR ASS!”
>Rarity fails to see the urgency in your pleas and throws you outside on your butt.
>It hurts, but not as much as the rejection from the object of your affection.
>”And stay out until you learn some manners!” She adds.
>This, of course draws the attention and ire of everyp0ny in the square.
>And yet again your pasta returns in full force.

>Rarity trots back into the shop, leaving you sitting sheepishly in the road.
>You hastily pick yourself off and slink off back in the direction of your house.
>You haven’t gone to apologise to Pinkie, but you can’t handle all these p0nies staring at you.
>You get home in record time and you know exactly what you need to calm you down.
>You head straight to your fridge and get on your knees.
>You open the fridge and take out a beer.
>You crack it open.
>You take a good, long swig.
>That’s the stuff.
>At least you can get some cheap booze in Equestria.
>It almost makes the days worthwhile.
>And then there’s a knock at the door.
>And you remember why you use the word ‘almost.’

>You get your ass up and answer the door
>That yellow dog is beaming at you happily
>Her mouth is gripping onto a bag
What’s in the shitty bag?
>She frowns but motions for you to take the bag
>You grab it
>”I have the cheeseburgers you wanted.”
Holy fuck!
>She flinches
>You ruffle her mane, and she smiles nervously
>You open the bag and pull out a cheeseburger
>You bite into it
>She squees
>Wait a minute
>Lettuce
>Tomatoes
>Ketchup
>Pickles~
>Buns
>A bunch of cheese
>In fact it’s like a patty of cheese
>And it’s fried!
What the fuck!
>You say this through a mouthful of food
>Some crumbs spray her face
>Fluttershy squeaks
>”BOB SAGET! Make it again!”
>She frowns
>”I made what you asked mister….”
>Grumble swears under your breath
>”I h-heard that.”
>You finish the first cheeseburger
>The next one looks better
>It looks like it has some substance to it
>She looks happy as you’re about to bite into it
>Wait a fucking minute
>You pull off the top bun
>There’s a horse tranquilizer the size of your ass in here
>She giggles nervously
>”Um…”
THIS ISN’T MEAT YOU WHORE!
>Throw it at her
>”I’m just trying to make you happy mister, don’t give me that Sugar Honeyed Iced Tea!”
>Oh that bitch!
>That’s it, that’s the worst thing anyone’s said to you all day!
>You pick her up
>”Eep!”
>The window is open
>Throw her out of it
>Lock the window
>You sit down on the couch
>There’s your magic phone
>You use it to contact Celestia, the bitch with the big ass
>You’re supposed to tell her what you learned about friendship or something
>But right now you’re going to tell her about the most despicable faggot in Ponyville!
>You pick up the phone

>It takes a while
>In fact there’s some music while you’re put on hold
>”My Little Pony, My Little Pony~”
I hope this is the Gen 4 version of this song, not that GEN 3 piece of SHIT!
>”Rainbow Dash always dresses in style.”
FUUUUUUUUUCK!
>”Excuse me?”
Oh um, Princess Celestia . That was fast….aaaaah fuck!
>She sighs
>”Is there something you learned about friendship Anonymous?”
NO!
>”Are you sure?”
NO! 
>”I see….”
>”Is there any reason you called me? I have a very busy job.”
Yes! I’m here to complain about a certain pony!
>”Why?”
She is the most inconsiderate WHORE I’ve ever met!
>If she wasn’t there Rarity would have been all over you
>And you would have a new shirt
>Not with one with all the sparkly gem crap though
>”Who? What did she do.”
I’m here to complain about Colgate, she made me FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT!
>Celestia doesn’t respond for a few moments
>”Alright I’ll see what I can do.”
>Really?
I WANT HER FUCKING EXECUTED!
>”I’ll deal with this, but I won’t do that.”
>Good enough
Goodbye bitch!
>You hang up the phone
>That Colgate is going to get what she deserves
>You chug the rest of your beer
>It makes you sleepy
>You pass out on the couch

>You’re prancing in a field full of cheese burgers
>Well cheeseburger flowers
>It’s warm and sunny
>You’re feeling like a star
>Nothing can stop your shine
>Your stomach roars like Chewbacca
>You reach the top of a hill
>A large burger flower is there
>You pull it off its stem
>You lift it to your mouth
>”Anon….oh Anon~”
Who the FUCK said that?
>”It’s me baby.”
WHO?
>”The burger…”
Oh…..HOLY SHIT!
>”Don’t be that way, I’m full of meat….”
>You lick your lips
>Your stomach sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit now
>”Hot, juicy meat~.”
>”But first I want to try your meat.”
Bitch, you’re speaking my language
>You unzip your pants
>Lower the cheeseburger to your crotch
>As you’re about to insert it and give this burger some mayonnaise you hear someone approach
>”Hello Anon!”
>Oh shit!
>Everything around you disappears

>You are in a field.
"If that FAGGOT ASS Sweetie cunt shows up and says-"
>A pony steps out of the bushes.
"FUUUUUCK!"
>She backs up and screams, "BLUAAAAARG?!"
>This continues back and forth for a while.
>Eventually she smiles.
>"Hello Anon, we are the princess Luna!"
>You see Sweetie Belle approach and immediately grab her.
"NOT IN THIS DREAM! FUCK YOU KID!"
>She struggles, "but I-"
>You toss her into a tree,
"YOU'RE A FAGGOT!"
>Luna stares.
"What do you want you BACKWARDS AUTISTIC RETARD?!"
>She approaches you.
>"My... Thine speech is so... *BLAURGH* becoming..."
>You can smell her hot horse snatch from here.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIIT!"
>You turn and hobble away.
>Luna begins to fly after you,
>"There is no escape FROM THE ROYAL WET DREAM!"
>You hide in a bush and pull off your shoe.
"I'LL THROW MY SHOE AT YOUR FAGGOT ASS!"
>You launch a velcro sneaker at her.
>"BLAUUUUUUURGH!"
>It hits her in the face and she crashes into a tree.
>You actually laugh for the first time since coming here.
>Your laughter turns into choking.
"Fuck. Shit *cough* AH SHIT!"
>You hobble away into the forest choking and cursing Bob Saget.
>"WAIT FOR US ANON!"
>Ah shit, Luna is flying after you again.
>She tackles you and pins your arms.
>"Anon... You do not know how much we want your human rod inside of us..."

>You roll your head, popping your neck brace off.
"I'm not putting ASS in SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIT!"
>She kisses you all over your face and neck sloppily with little experience.
"AH SHIT! I'm not some REDNECK backwoods HORSEFUCKER!"
>Suddenly your clothes disappear,
>"Tonight, you are."
"This is the second time I've been FUCKED BY DAIRY QUEEN!"
>She slides her sloppy mare cunt onto your cock.
"SHIT!"
>She pauses and looks at you,
>"Are you alright Anon? What are you thinking?"
>You turn away from her.
"Ronald Mcgoddam Donald..."
>Your cheesburgers are all you can think about.
>In a burst of rage you throw Luna off.
"FUUUUUUUUUCK!"
>You begin to go Tourettesayan and the dream fades.
>You wake up with a wet pair of sweatpants on.
"I'M PISSED!"
>You hear the phone ring in the living room and just know it's Twilight calling.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
>You throw a beer bottle at your clock and it smashes.
"I'm getting a new phone!"
>You answer it and begin screaming.
"TWILIGHT, I WANT A NEW DAMN PHONE, AND IF I DON'T GET A FULL REFUND, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT AND TAKE MY BUSINESS TO COLTCAST!"
>Silence.
"And once you see my dick, YOU WON'T WANT IT!"
>Twilight snorts,
>"Lelelelele I trick you! Letter y are you angry though?!"
"AH BOB SAGET!"
>You slam the phone down and run back to your room screaming.
>Just another day in Equestria.
SHIT!

END?

Pastebin.com Tools & Applications

iPhone/iPad

Windows

Firefox

Chrome

WebOS

Android

Mac

Opera

Click.to

UNIX

WinPhone