That's fucked up.

>It's dark in the cave.

>The others tell you you're wrong.

>They say it's bright in some places, but you know they're lying.

>It's always dark.

>"Come on Blinky, you're gonna miss it!"

>You're greatful.  Really you are, but you've never understood the appeal.

>It's always so noisy.

>And dark.

>"Go on without me.  I'll meet our new friend tomorrow."

>Squishy groans.

>"Fine.  You're no fun."

>You hear him running off into the distance, his steps making squelching noises that echo off the walls of the world.

>For a minute, you hope this one is dead.

>It's rare for you to get any; the others are so much better at shoving than you.

>But it's always so tasty.

>The Maker's 'oopsies' are always so tasty.

>You think better of it.  You'd appreciate a new friend more than you would a slim chance at an ethereal reward.

>The others grow quiet.  She must be here.

>"Bye bye, Flappy."

>A soft thud indicates he or she has been caught.

>Flappy, huh?  Not very many of you have wings.

 

>You sit on a bench at the edge of town.

>You're waiting for Dash.  She's supposed to meet you here, but she's probably napping somewhere.

>There's a pink splotch bouncing down the road over there.

>What would Pinkie be doing in the forest?

>You know what, nevermind.  You're sure you'd rather not know.

>"Hi Anon!"

>"Hey Pinkie."

>"Watcha doin'?"

>"Just waiting for Dash.  We're gonna go try rocket-jousting."

>Her eyes grow incredibly wide at the word rocket, then absurdly so at the word joust.

>She pounces up into your face, smiling so hard you're afraid her face is going to break.

>"Can I come?  Huh?  Can I can I can I?"

>"Probably?  I really don't know all the details.  You'll have to ask her."

>She leaps off of you and starts rapidly scanning the sky.

>"Where is she?"

>"If I knew, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting, now would I?"

>Pinkie plops down on the ground and harrumphs.

>"I guess I'll just have to wait, too."

>"Don't have anything important to take care of today?"

>"Nopey-dopey.  Well, okay, I DID, but I already did so I don't!"

>You shrug, scoot over, and pat the open space on the bench.

>In one swift motion, Pinkie rises, jumps, and lands.

>Just as she does so, Dash comes streaking out of the sky and slams into the ground.

>There's smoke curling off the gleaming metal contraption on her back.

>"Hehe... this thing's a little hard to get used to."

>"OH MY GOSH DASHIE, CAN I GO WITH YOU GUYS?"

>"Uh... sure?  What are you even doing out here?"

>"I just had to make a delivery."

>Dash turns to you and quirks an eyebrow.

>You shrug.

 

>You're glad Flappy was alive.  She's so much fun to play with, and she can even fly!

>Usually the friends with wings can't use them right.

>They're at the wrong angle or they're broken or they have holes in them.

>But not Flappy!  Squishy says her wings are just like in the picture books and they don't have any holes in them and she can fly!

>Okay, not quite yet.  She can only hover for a little while before she gets tired, but still.  She's young, she just needs time.

>There's a loud bang sound and Flappy starts crying.

>Some friends are running in your direction and yelling.

>It's time to hide again.

>THEY're here.

>You hate them so much.  You wish they would all die.

>You're really glad Flappy isn't one of them.

>An angry and intimidating voice bounces around the world.

>"My sources tell me the Maker brought us a winger yesterday.  Where is it?"

>You huddle and try your best to hide Flappy in a hug.

>She's small and they're far away.

>"We already ate her.  Her neck broke when she landed."

>There's a tense silence.

>"Mind if we look around?"

>"Go ahead!"

>Hoofsteps start circling around the area.  They're always so impatient, they aren't searching very carefully.

>They pass right by you.

>You hold your breath.

>After a few minutes, you can hear them leaving.

>Friends start talking again.

>You breath a sigh of relief.

>You hear Squishy approaching.

>"Is she okay?"

>You uncurl and nod.

>Flappy giggles happily.

 

>Rocket-jousting is the most amazing (and terrifying) thing you've ever done.

>Seriously.  You don't even have words to describe it.

>Like, fuck, the language center of your brain is shutting down here and the best thing you can come up with is "It's like a cyborg Abraham Lincoln boxing a tyranosaurus rex made of bacon and lava while fucking a supermodel made of cocaine."

>And that doesn't make ANY goddamn sense.

>You've caught your breath.  It's time for another round.

>You pick up the rocket and the marshmallow lance (What, you thought you were using real ones?  There's a difference between fun/stupid/likely to severely injure you and fun/retarded/almost guaranteed to kill you.)

>You glance over at Pinkie.

>She's grinning like a crazy mare and making motorcycle revving noises.

>You flash her a smile and she nods.

>The two of you take your positions.

>"ThreetwooneGO!"

>Wait, what?

>Caught off guard, you're slammed into the ground and dragged a good forty feet under Pinkie.

>Your back is chafed beyond belief, and for a moment you don't move.  You just lie still and groan.

>Pinkie sits on top of you smiling.

>"I think I won that round."

>You grunt.

>For a minute, she spaces out and stares into the distance.

>She shakes her head, snaps out of it, and looks back at you.

>"Hey Anon?"

>"Yeah?"

>"Are you doing anything this Saturday?"

>Dafuq?  Doesn't she have a party to run?  Like she does EVERY Saturday?  And Sunday?  And Monday?  And...

>"I guess not?"

>She looks away for a second and puts a hoof on your chest.

>Her eyes loop back around to you as she draws a small circle on you.

>"Wanna come over to my place?"

>...

 

>The not-friends with horns are always terrible.

>You don't know why.

>They think they're so special just because they have horns.

>But what good are they?

>The friends with wings can fly, maybe.

>But the horns?  Those don't do anything.

>Everyone says they make light, but you don't believe in that.

>It's always dark.

>Sometimes, they talk about leaving the world.

>They say there's a place called outside and that's where picture books and balloons and fluffies come from.

>NONE of the friends believe that.

>Those things come from the Maker, just like everything else.

>Even the not-friends.

>They don't like the Maker.

>None of the friends like them.

>Patchy says they're just jealous that the Maker doesn't give them picture books.

>Or balloons.

>Or fluffies.

>Maybe he's right.

 

>Dash trots over.

>Pinkie stares into your eyes with a look you can't quite place on her face.

>"So do ya?"

>Right, you haven't answered yet.  Uh...

>Dash pushes Pinkie off of you and pulls you up.

>Then she steps behind you and removes your rocket.

>There were only two, so you have to take turns.

>"Come on, Pinkie.  Let's see you try that one on ME."

>Pinkie continues to stare at you for a few seconds before turning back to Dash and putting on her best serious face.

>"Let's ride."

>What was THAT about?

>Whatever.  Pinkie's crazy.

>You sit up, gingerly rub your back, and prepare to enjoy the show.

>You just wish you had popcorn.

>As amazing as Dash is, Pinkie is just unpredictable enough to have a shot.

 

>You and Squishy and Flappy and Patchy and Wobbly all snuggle together for warmth as the little cold starts.

>The little cold happens when everyone says it gets dark.

>It's unpleasant, but if you huddle together it's not so bad.

>Some friends don't like to touch Squishy because he feels different.

>He's not poofy and then rough.  He's just smooth and wet.

>But it's okay because he's a friend and he's warm.

>You're happy that it's not the big cold.

>Sometimes, after lots and lots of little colds, the big cold comes and ALL the friends have to stay together.

>When the big cold comes some of the friends don't make it, but their bodies are good at holding on to the warm.

>If all the friends who still make warm stick together, the ones who stopped help make the warm stay.

>So instead of being sad, the friends are greatful that the friend traded himself to help share the warm.

>But right now isn't the big cold.

>It's just a little cold, and all the friends are okay.

>Flappy is sleeping peacefully next to you and Patchy.

>She has all the warm she needs.

 

>That night, you're walking back home with Dash.

>The two of you are going to unwind with movies and booze.

>Or booze and movies.  Whichever.

>"Anon?"

>"Hm?"

>"Do you... nevermind.  It's not important."

>"well now you have to tell me."

>"It's nothing, really."

>You lean in closer.

>"Dash..."

>"Just... be careful with Pinkie, okay?"

>"Watchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

>"I think she's even crazier than you realize, that's all.  I've... heard things."

>"Cut the shit, Dash.  Just tell me what you're getting at."

>She blushes lightly and scuffs a hoof along the ground.

>"She may look dinky, but Pinkie is kinky."

>"What?"

>"That's... that's the saying.  She's... into a lot of things."

>"And why exactly do you know about that?"

>"Who DOESN'T know?  She's the most popular mare in town for a reason!"

>"Because of her charming personality?"

>"Because she'll buck anything that moves!"

 

>You hear some shuffling.

>You wish it wasn't always so dark so you could see.

>It's scary when it's dark.

>Those are definitely hoofsteps.

>...

>And whispering!

>"They got a live one today.  I know they did."

>"We didn't see anything."

>"Well you weren't looking hard enough!"

>As quietly as you can, you scoot Flappy closer to you.

>You try your best to hide her, but you can't squeeze too tight or she might wake up.

>Why can't the not-friends go away?

>What do they want with Flappy?  She didn't do anything to them!

>They can't even be jealous because Flappy never got a picture book or a balloon or a fluffy!

>Maybe they're just jealous because she can fly and they can't.

>Okay, she can't fly YET, but she WILL.

>And they won't get to do anything except sit in the dark and tell lies about light.

>It's not a big cold, but you shiver a lot anyway.

 

>Wait a second...

>"So you're saying you think she... wants to get into my pants?"

>"You're forgetting the kinky part.  She wants to... I dunno, fill your pants with pudding and then slurp it out while bouncing on a trampoline with her hooves tied behind her head and a turnip wedged where the sun don't shine."

>You stare blankly.

>"You have... quite an imagination, there."

>She blushes.

>"I was just trying to slap together the weirdest thing I could think of."

>"Well it sounds hot."

>Hey look, her wings are doing that thing.

>"Yeah, well trust me whatever she wants to do is a hundred times freakier."

>You put on a stupid smile.

>"Sounds even hotter."

>She sighs.

>"Listen, just be careful okay?  Pinkie's cool.  She's a great friend, and she's a lot of fun to hang out with.  Just promise me you'll hang out WITH her and not IN her, okay?"

>You give her a salute.

>"Aye, captain."

>She gives you a playful shove.

>"I mean it.  We have a saying here.  Don't stick it in crazy."

>"Relax.  I won't.  Besides, she's not my type.  I'd much rather have any of the rest of you swizzle my dizzle.  'Cept maybe Rarity.  Fuck that bitch, she nothin' but a gold digger."

>She's blushing again.

>You give her a light poke.

>"I said, 'cept dat bitch, amirite?"

>She bumps her hoof to your fist.

>"Yeah."

 

>It's been a long time since the Maker came back.

>There haven't been any new friends or anything for lots of little colds.

>Patchy says there'll be a big cold soon.

>Flappy can make little words now, but she still can't really fly.

>You teach her about all kinds of things, and it makes her happy.

>You like it when she's happy.  It makes you warm even when you're not cold.

>The not-friends haven't come back since that night.

>None of the friends know where they went.

>The world is big, and parts of it are scary and dangerous, so the friends don't go looking.

>The friends like to stay near where the Maker comes.

>They say it gets the most light.

>You wish they would stop lying.

>Squishy told Flappy about the light, but she didn't believe him.

>She agrees with you.

>She says it's always dark and scary.

>But it's okay, because it's hard to be scared when you're together.

 

>Welp, Dash was right.

>For a couple of months now, Pinkie's been trying all sorts of ridiculous nonsense to get with you.

>You're not sure what the cause is.  You're pretty sure she was normal-

>Well, as normal as Pinkie can be, anyway.

>You're pretty sure she was normal until the rocket-jousting, but ever since that day she has been more stuck to your grill than the permanent foul substance stuck to the grill at Mcdonalds.

>You hate to admit it, but a couple of times she's hit a few of the right buttons.

>You roll the dice and try enough fetishes, sooner or later you'll hit the jackpot.

>God, you swear you had a great dick joke for this.  The boner-jackpot or something, but not that.

>Regardless, she's starting to get your dick's attention.

>But A) she's a pony and B) you said you wouldn't.  So no, bad boner.

>Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

>Is a boner wearing a top hat and a monocle funny?  You're suddenly picturing the Monopoly guy, but in the form of a dick.

>You decide the monocle is stupid and the top hat is slightly funny.  You discard the joke.

>There's a knock at your door.

>Well now who could that be at this hour?  Y'know, besides Pinkie, who it obviously is.

>You open the door to find... a blue pony?  Blue isn't pink!

 

>Patchy says he's worried.

>The Maker has never stayed gone for so long and he wonders if maybe we made her mad.

>One of the not-friends came to us and said he wanted to be a friend.

>He said the not-friends were doing really scary things, and he didn't want to be with them anymore.

>Most of the friends didn't believe him, and they hit him with rocks.

>He lost a lot of his warm.  It came out in the slick on the floor and the friends got even more mad at him.

>Warm is supposed to be used to get through the cold, and he was wasting it.

>Plus the none of the friends like the slick.  It smells like the pointy rocks.

>He cried until they stopped.

>It was the little cold, and they wanted to cuddle together so they stopped hitting him.

>Squishy felt sorry for him and decided to sleep next to him.

>You remember when nobody wanted to be with Squishy.  It was so sad.

>You still don't trust him, but you decide to go with Squishy.

>"What's your name?"

>"S-s-snappy..."

>You and Squishy curl up with Snappy.

>Flappy joins the rest of you.

 

>Well this is certainly a new one.

>At your door is Pinkie Pie, head to hoof in blue paint.

>It looks like she tried to dye her hair rainbow and straighten it out, but it didn't work very well.

>She has cardboard wings taped to her back.

>"Hey bro.  'Sup?  Booze o' clock?"

>"Pinkie, what the hell?"

>She frowns and pulls off the wings.

>"Aww, what gave me away?"

>You say nothing and maintain a stern 'son I am disappoint' face.

>"Was it the smell of the paint?  It's edible so I could get rid of it easier, and if you smell real close it's kinda like blueberries."

>She licks her hoof and grins.

>She turns and thrusts her flank toward you.

>"Want a lick?"

>"No, Pinkie.  I don't."

>She puts her ass back behind her and sits on it, crossing her forehooves.

>"Man, what do I gotta do?  I've tried all my standards and it is just impossible to get through to you!"

>"...Why'd you dress up like Dash?"

>"Really?  I guess I had you pegged all wrong.  This is gonna be harder than I thought."

 

>The big cold is happening.

>It was hard, but you and Squishy convinced the friends to let Snappy stay.

>Snappy is nice.  He's helping Flappy learn to fly.

>You would do it if you could, but it's too dark.

>Instead you hug her and offer words of encouragement.

>A little before the big cold, you found a fluffy and you gave it to her.

>She was so happy.

>It's okay that you can't help her fly.

>The Maker still hasn't come back.

>Lots of friends think something bad happened to her.

>Like maybe she touched a pointy rock and lost all her warm.

>She has to have slick and warm, just like the rest of you, right?

>Everything that's alive has the slick and the warm.

>There's no point in thinking about it.

>You snuggle up next to Flappy and Patchy and Squishy and Snappy and enjoy sharing the warm.

>You're glad Snappy didn't lose all of his when the friends threw the rocks at him.

 

>It's an especially cold winter.

>You're REALLY greatful for all the nice clothes and blankets Rarity's made for you.

>Maybe she's not such a bitch afterall.

>Really, all the ponies have their charms.

>There's a knock at your door.

>You peek out the window and see Pinkie shivering in the cold.

>You open the door.

>"What are you doing out there?"

>Her teeth are chattering.

>"Oh Anon... it's... it's so cold... could you p-p-p-please hold me until I warm up?"

>"Pinkie, I have a fireplace RIGHT THERE."

>She immediately stops shivering and groans loudly.

>"You know what?  I give up.  I've been so busy chasing you that I haven't gotten any in forever.  I'm too horny for this nonsense."

>She turns and leaves.

>You shut the door.

>Man, ponies are WEIRD.

 

>Screaming.

>Everything is screaming and it's so hot and it smells.

>It smells like the slick and it also smells like something new.

>How is it hot when now is the big cold?

>You start trying to run away from the hot.

>You don't know where you're going.  All you know is that this hot is even worse than the big cold and you need to get away.

>"Blinky, this way!"

>It sounds like Patchy.

>You follow the sound of his voice and you run as fast as you can.

>You run until it stops being hot.

>"What happened?"

>Patchy is crying.

>"Snappy wasn't a friend!  He made a weird light with his horn and then Squishy started screaming and then more not-friends came and... everything was horrible!"

>"You're lying!  Snappy WAS a friend!"

>"No!  He made the weird light and lots of friends are dead!  I think Squishy is dead, too!"

>"That can't be true!  There's no such thing as light!"

>"Blinky listen-"

>There's a horrible wailing sound.

>You recognize it.

>Flappy is crying.

 

>It was nice for everything to go back to normal.

>Pinkie apparently went and found a nice stallion to do... whatever with.

>She went back to treating you normally, and you were glad.

>Especially because you think she really WAS starting to get through to you.

>But you're no furry, and you're not gonna go putting your dick in a horse.

>These ponies are great, and you love your life here in Equestria.

>You're just gonna hang with these wonderful pony friends of yours.

>Especially your best bro Dash.  She's just... the greatest, y'know?

>Just the other day she came to you with a fantastic new idea.

>It'd take a while to explain.

>Just try to imagine a cross between golf and a destruction derby, but with lots more exploding.

>The two of you went to invite Pinkie, but she was just leaving.

>She said she had a delivery to make.

 

>There are more friends than not-friends.

>Once all of the friends who weren't hot got together, they went back and threw rocks at the not-friends until they left or died.

>You hate the not-friends.

>You hate Snappy.

>Squishy was nice to Snappy, and he killed him.

>...

>Flappy didn't make it either.

>She never got to really fly.

>A lot of little colds after the big cold when the hot happened, the Maker started coming back.

>She brought lots and lots of picture books and balloons and fluffies and even new things.

>The friends haven't decided what to call the new things yet.

>One day she came bringing another friend.

>You decided to go this time.

>It was loud until it got quiet.

>She said "Goodbye Dizzy."

>The new friend landed right in your hooves.

>It was dark, but you caught it anyway.  It must have been your lucky day.

>You felt it.

>It was a him.

>He giggled and gurgled at you.

>You felt a horn on his head.

>The new friend had a horn.

>He wasn't a friend at all.  You hate horns.

>You snapped Dizzy's neck.

>He was delicious.