Complete Bullshit - Part 5 (the end, go home)

>Okay.  Hold onto your ass, this is about to get retarded.

>See how Twilight is slipping away?  Losing her mind a bit?

>Notice how Pinkie tends to get serious when Twilight asks questions, even though neither love nor laughter are involved?  You don't think she's a lesbian, either.

>Before the timeline went off the rails, Pinkie knew what was going down when because she had records.

>Since then, she should've lost her ability to predict what's going to happen - but she didn't.  She's still able to pinpoint where you all are and what you're up to.

>Pinkie's way smarter than she lets on, and Twilight is slowly becoming much crazier than she'd like to admit.

>What if...

>There's just no way.  It's too stupid.  Can't be right.

 

>Twilight let out a sharp gasp.

>"I remembered the thing I figured out that I forgot!"

 

>Everpony stops.

 

>"I know how we can escape!  I know what to do so Antevorta can't get to us!"

 

>Applejack's eyes lit up.  "Well shoot, Twi', go on an' tell us!  I'd love to git back to the farm."

 

>She frowned.  "Unfortunately, we won't be able to go back just yet.  The magic's pretty complicated, but the basic idea is that we rely on the fundamental orthogonality of time and space.  We know she's got time down pretty well, but she's not omnipotent."

 

>Dash groaned.  "In words we can understand, please?"

 

>"We exploit her weak point: space.  I'm going to transport us outside of our universe."

 

>"If she can't do that, how can you?"

 

>She smiles, but you see a light twitch in one of her eyes before her mouth opens.

>"It's simple.  We kill the Batman."

>She blinks and shakes her head.

>"What I MEANT to say was that I'm overpowered, so I can do whatever I feel like with my magic, but she can't because if the villain doesn't have limits the good guys can't win."

>She blinks again.

>"...What... what's happening to me?"

>Some blood leaks out of her nose, and she falls to the ground.

 

>"Dibs on Spike."

 

>Rarity recoils in horror.

>"Rainbow Dash!  Our dear friend is in danger and-"

 

>"Dibs on Aloysius!  Um... if that's okay with you, that is..."

 

>"Applejack, are you hearing this?  I can't believe our friends could be so callous!"

 

>"Hehe, sorry Rare.  Dibs on the unmarked box in her closet!"

 

>"What box?"

 

>She winked.

>"I'll show ya later."

 

>Okay.  Enough of... whatever this is.

>"So, uh, guys?  How do we get out of the universe now?  Or... whatever.  Do we just go back to running or what?"

 

>In a blur, future Dash blasts down out of the sky and into your little circle around the unconscious mare.

>She hoists her up onto her back and spreads her wings, about to fly off.

 

>Dash holds up a hoof.

>"Hang on.  Yeah yeah, time something paradox blah whatever I don't GIVE A BUCK.  Isn't you coming out here gonna make it way too easy for her to find us?"

 

>She shakes her head.

>"Doesn't matter.  If she catches up to you, you fight.  You'll PROBABLY lose, but you MIGHT not die.  Twilight's triggering too early, and she hasn't been prepared yet.  If she goes over the edge now, it's over."

 

>You throw up your hands.

>"Great!  Is there anypony who ISN'T tied up in this knot of time shenanigans?"

 

>"Rarity, AJ, and Fluttershy."

 

>"Wait, really?"

 

>She nods.

>"Yeah."

 

>"So those three are entirely pointless?"

 

>Fluttershy cries quietly.

 

>Future Dash looks off across the horizon.

>"I'm not a time cop or whatever.  I don't care about the integrity of any continucrud, especially since everything's so screwed up already.  But I'm not gonna let my friend die.  This is hard enough already."

>Some tears slip out of her eyes.

>"I've screwed up, and I've payed a high price."

>She turns and stares at you.

>You blink, and when you open your eyes, her face is pressed up against you, her lips locked with yours.

>She breaks away.

>"Don't die.  Please."

>She slowly flaps herself into the air, carrying Twilight on her back, when Twilight's eyes flutter open.

 

>"Wait!"

 

>"You're okay?"

 

>"Yes.  Err, no.  Maybe!  But I won't be for long if we don't get out of the universe right away!  Antevorta is coming!"

 

>"How do you know that?  I only knew to come here because Pinkie said-"

 

>"I know because my knee is pinchy!"

 

>Present Dash slumps to the ground.

>"Well that doesn't make any sense..."

 

>Something twinkles in your eye.

>"Egg-fucking-ZACTLY!"

 

>Blank stares all around!  These ponies are just GIVING them away!

 

>"I'm an EXPERT on stupid bullshit, and I've been thinking about this for a while.  There's some crap going on where I'm supposed to do sex at one of you, and there's some crazy magic anti-time witch trying to kill us for smearing diarrhea all over the timeline, and probably a bunch of other crap too, but each of those things has at least some small kernel of logic to it.  They all make SOME kind of sense.  But not this one, and that's why I understand!  This is the whole of creation trying its best to be a colossal fuckup like me, and so I see what's happening here."

>You stand tall and proud, ready to rustle the jimmies of the universe itself with the profound idiocy of the truth.  This is it.  This is THE ONE.  There has never been anything more fucking ridiculous than what you're about to explain.

>...

>...

>...

>*suspense!*

>"Twilight Sparkle is Pinkie Pie!"

 

>"Anon, have you completely lost your mind?"

 

>"Not yet!  It gets dumber!"

 

>"Anon, how could it possibly-"

 

>"Wait your turn, Dash.  I know your secret, too!  Now where was I... oh, right.  Pinkie was LYING about being a time cop!  All the things she knows, she knows because she remembers them happening back when she was Twilight.  We haven't disrupted the timeline at all!  This is exactly what's supposed to happen.  We're just closing up the stable timeloop that leads to her creation."

 

>"Anon, I really-"

 

>"WAIT.  It gets DUMBER!  The reason for making up the whole time cop thing was so Antevorta could hide in the story in a semi-plausible way.  For you see, the shit-cherry on top of this shit-sundae is that Twilight Sparkle is ALSO Antevorta!  Right now, her mind is fragmenting.  She'll try her best to collect her rational thoughts and cast out the bubbling nonsense that is Pinkie, but it won't end well.  Along with the crazy, she ends up discarding most of her positive traits and becomes a cold, calculating, murderer.  She knew she wouldn't exist until sometime very soon, so she never risked interfering before then, but she's reasoned that the best and safest course for the universe is to come back to the point in time when Pinkie is first created and destroy her!  She's too rational to let something as insane as Pinkie loose."

 

>"I've heard some plum crazy stories before, Anon, but this takes ALL the cakes."

 

>"Hang on to your hat, there, Applefucker, it gets DUMBER!"

 

>"This?  Right here and now?  Where I'm shouting the most unbelievably retarded shit any sentient creature has ever come up with?  This is ALSO part of the correct timeline.  This incredibly fucking stupid speech is the final push Twilight needs to complete her transformation.  Any second now, there's gonna be some stupid looking special effect magic and then there'll be two ponies there: Antevorta and Pinkie."

 

>GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH... EVERYTHING?!!!?!?  SURE ENOUGH, TWO FUCKING SECONDS LATER:

 

>"You're one smart cookie, Anon!"

>HEY LOOK IT'S PINKIE.  Antevorta seems to be passed out, probably from the mind-blowing aneurysm this shit undoubtedly gave her.

 

>"No I'm not!  NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS SMART!  This is basically what would happen if M. Night Shyamalan was GOD!"

 

>Present Dash lets out a sigh.

>"Can we just beat the tar out of Antevorta and go home?  I can't deal with... whatever this is right now."

 

>"Nopey-dopey!  This is the part where I have to tell you that you're wrong about Dashie!  You don't actually know her biggest secret, even though it's SUPER obvious.  Ooh, and then I also have to steer the conversation away from what you THOUGHT her secret was so we never actually reveal that!  Instead, I think now is probably the right time to tell you that Dashie's secretly in love with you!"

 

>Dash looks away and blushes FURIOUSLY.

 

>Future Dash grins sheepishly.

 

>"Oh, and ALSO also, you're fine, so don't worry about dying in a cheap Batman costume down the road.  What happened to you is probably gonna hurt worse than snorting wasabi, but you make it out alive somehow!"

 

>You scowl.

>"Why do I have to deal with something that awful?"

 

>"I dunno.  Maybe it's karma or something to balance out the pain of childbirth you cause Dashie?"

 

>"How does that even work?  We're not even CLOSE to the same species!"

 

>"I can't spoil ALL the secrets!  Don't worry about it.  Just go on and start dating.  It'll only be awkward for a few days.  You'll both love it, and eventually Dashie here will come back in time to help me wrap up my mission and make sure all the right things happen for me to exist.  Sorry I'm so selfish about it.  I did my best to make sure other ponies were happy along the way, though!  NOW we need to go banish my future evil twin sister to the moon so she can't stop me from existing.  Then I should probably get back to the future.  But don't worry, I'll visit sometimes!  I love you guys WAY too much not to!"

 

>Fluttershy shivers uncontrollably.

>"S-so... that's it?  We're... d-done?"

 

>"Mhmm.  We go fight the final boss and then the adventure is over!"

 

>You narrow your eyes and stare at Pinkie.

>"Wait a minute."

 

>"Y-yeah?"

>Is she... sweating?

 

>"I assume that Antevorta takes off pretty much immediately after getting up to go set her schemes in motion, and Future Dash can just go back to the 'Mission Accomplished' banner and celebrate, but what about you?"

 

>"Huh?  I just go back with her, silly!"

 

>"Not you, YOU!  Future you - the one who's been living in the past all this time making sure things go smoothly and according to your memory - she can go back to whatever point in time she left from.  I'm asking about YOU.  What do YOU do in the meantime?  You seem to be grown already, but you have to wait for time travel to be invented before you can go back, right?"

 

>She chuckles and grins nervously.

>"Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit, Anon.  Maybe you're a smart cookie after all.  I'm sorry, but that's classified information."

 

>"And now that I think about it, why doesn't Future Dash look much different?"

 

>Antevorta's eyes fly open.

>"I can tell them."

 

>Everyp0ny tenses, ready for a fight.

 

>"Calm down.  I know I can't fight you all right now.  I have to go back before I can teach you to suffer.  But I'd hate for you to be left in the dark..."

>She laughs.

>"Pinkie here doesn't have to wait for time travel to be invented.  It already has.  Twilight came up with it in her last moments before she split into the two of us."

 

>"If it's already invented, then what's my kid important for?"

 

>"Ah, this is the fun part.  I hope when I explain you'll understand just how... unruly Pinkie is and why she must be destroyed.  This is ALL her fault, you know.  In a few years, three ponies will be sent back in time with the methods that only Pinkie and I know.  Dash here will be sent back to exactly when she showed up to stop me, and I'll have to play along and act surprised.  I can't risk changing anything before I exist."

 

>"You can't risk changing ANYTHING!  Paradoxes destroy the... reality whatever.  Or something!"

 

>She grins.

>"Maybe.  We've never actually SEEN a paradox occur, so who can say what happens?  I have my theories, and you have yours.  I just think I know a little better than you do.  As proof, allow me to continue to recite the future that I can't possibly know yet.  Pinkie will send herself back to a little while before Twilight Sparkle moves to Ponyville and make friends with the locals.  She'll blend in and set up what needs to be set up."

 

>"Yeah, I got it.  And you'll go back to-"

 

>"Oh, no.  I'm going back much sooner.  I'm going back right after I finish explaining this to you - leaving you TERRIBLY confused."

 

>"Already there!  Who's the third pony that goes back, then?"

 

>"Your daughter, of course!  She's sent back quite a few years, to long before any of these events started."

 

>"What?  WHY?"

 

>"So that she can invent time travel, of course!"

 

>...

>No.

>NO.

>FUCK THIS NOISE.

>YOU'RE DONE.

>YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

>YOU ARE TAKING YOUR BALL AND GOING HOME BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME FOR ONE SECOND LONGER.

 

>"I'm sorry that I'm going to have to hurt you, father, but you ARE responsible for my sister and for that you must be punished."

 

>You've seen shitty movies, watched shitty TV shows, read shitty books, and (though you may be reluctant to admit it) read shitty fanfiction.  You consistently come up with the stupidest ideas anybody's ever heard.  You are NOT an amateur when it comes to this sort of shit.

>But you just can't.

>You CAN'T.

>This is where you have to draw the line.

>You refuse.

>You REFUSE.

>You will not stand for this.  You will not exist in a universe where these things are true.

>You're done.

>You're OUT OF HERE.

>You howl and shriek unintelligible wails of despair.

>Where's the nearest sharp object so you can slit your throat or wrists?

>You need to exit the stage because this fuckery is NOT ACCEPTABLE ON ANY LEVEL.

>Fuck it, there doesn't appear to be anything you can kill yourself with so you're just going to smash your head into the ground until you stop moving.

>That ought to do it, and if it doesn't then MAYBE the brain damage will make you a vegetable.

>A nice, peaceful vegetable that doesn't have to acknowledge this bullshit.

>This COMPLETE, UTTER BULLSHIT.

>Are the ponies around you reacting to your boiling rage?  You can't tell and don't care.

>You slam your face into the ground as hard as you can and everything goes black.

 

>You open your eyes and cough.

 

>Dash is leaning over you with a worried look on her face.

>"You okay, Anon?"

 

>"Probably not."

 

>"I know you're never supposed to back out of a dare, but that was really stupid!  You should NEVER eat something you can't identify!"

 

>"W...what?"

 

>"We were all pretty worried for a while.  You fell over and started spazzing on the floor.  I dragged you out of there and made sure you didn't hit your head or anything.  After a few minutes, it looked like you just fell asleep."

 

>"I don't... when is it?"

 

>"Don't worry too much.  I think you're probably fine.  You were only out for about an hour.  Nothing's really happened.  We stopped playing after a dare like that.  We were thinking about maybe popping in Winter Stab-Up 6.  You in?"

 

>You rub your head.

>Vital note: don't FUCK with Equestrian drugs!

>You sit up and breathe.

 

>"You alright?"

 

>"I think so.  Say, Dash?"

 

>"Yeah?"

 

>"Kindof a weird question, but I guarantee you I'm not asking for any of the reasons you might guess."

 

>"Whatever.  Shoot."

 

>"You don't ever want to have kids, do you?"

 

>"What?  No way!"

 

>You breathe out, close your eyes, and smile.