Complete Bullshit - Part 4 (wait, I'm alive?)

>Hey, uh, Brain, can I get something here?  Anything?  No?

>How about you, Dick?  Do we... uh... do we want that?

>Complete radio silence on all channels.  The only thing you can do is sit there and drool like an idiot that forgot how to do anything but breathe.

>Finally, enough neurons fire that you manage to speak.

>"WAT"

 

>Dash is blushing and fidgeting and not making eye contact.

>"Look, I just... that was me back there.  And you.  And it looked like we... I mean, you saw how upset it made me - er, I mean me, not ME - when you... well, not YOU... UGH.  Those were tears, okay?  Huge, sobbing tears.  Watching you die apparently did one heck of a number on me."

 

>Are you functional enough to make a coherent response yet?

>"Buh?"

>... pure genius.

 

>"And with all this crud about time junk, apparently we need to make sure certain things happen.  One of which being you having a kid.  I sorta don't want the universe to explode or whatever.  I live there, ya know?  And the sooner we can do whatever needs to be done to prevent that and stop the pairabocks from happening, the better."

 

>Rather than try to respond again, you nod.

 

>"So since I know you pretty well and I saw... all that back there, I'm pretty sure the answer is me and you.  AJ is always too busy working the farm, Rarity wants someone more cultured than you, Twilight didn't seem to excite you much, Fluttershy would probably faint at the sight of your junk, and Pinkie is... uh, well, PINKIE.  That leaves..."

>She blushes harder.

>"...me."

 

>You gulp.

>"I... yeah.  That makes sense, I guess. I just-"

 

>She stamps a hoof indignantly.

>"Look, I'm not any more thrilled about this than you are!  We just need to do what needs to be done, okay?"

 

>You stare at her for several seconds, moving your jaw but saying nothing.

>You look down at the ground, then back up.

>"Alright."

 

>She turns around and lifts her tail.

>"O-okay... so, um... put it... uh... put it in."

 

>So... not that you ever imagined this or anything, but this is not how you imagined this would go.

>"Are you sure about this?  You seem-"

 

>"Look, I've never done it before, okay?  So yeah, I'm kinda jittery.  Just hurry up and do it before I start freaking out about how I HAVE to have sex to save the world."

 

>Your gaze hardens.  Amazingly, your dick doesn't!

>"No way."

 

>Dash trembles a little.

>"I don't think we get much of a choice."

 

>"Nop0ny said for sure it was you and me, and they damn sure didn't say it had to be right now.  I'm not gonna force something on you that you're not comfortable with. If I EVER do stick my dick in a horse, it's gonna be because we both want it, not because I'm destined to."

 

>You stir in your sleeping bag and feel your hand brush against a soft coat.

>You open your eyes and see Dash curled up next to you in the faint light of the moon.

>You relax into a sigh when you notice your pants are still on.

>As gently as possible, you pull yourself away from her and step out of the tent and into the cool night air.

>The moon is still really high up, certainly not far from where it was.  You guess you just conked out for a bit and didn't actually sleep long.

>You do feel strangely rested, though.

 

>You hear a shuffling from a nearby tent.

>Twilight stumbles out with a bad case of bed-mane, or whatever they call it.

>"Why's it so dark?"

 

>You shrug.

>"Sun rises in the morning."

 

>Twilight shakes some of the sleepiness out of her head.

>She's still sorta mumbling.

>"But it IS morning.  The sun should've been up an hour ago."

 

>That doesn't make any sense!

>The only reason the sun wouldn't rise would be if something happened to Celestia.

>...

>Aw, fuck.

 

>You go dashing around the campsite waking everyp0ny up.

>AJ and Rarity rocket out of their cuddle and start stammering out excuses.

>You never would have guessed, but you aren't surprised.

 

>Once all of you are up and standing around your newly-roaring fire, Twilight clears her throat to proclaim something.

>And then Pinkie Pie.

>She is GOOD at popping up out of nowhere like that.

 

>"Okay, so you may have noticed we have some problems."

 

>Twilight frowns.  "You think?"

 

>Pinkie smiles and shrugs.  "Sometimes."

>"Anyway, so there's a bit of a situation with Celestia and Antevorta and future Dashie, but you all really need to just keep moving so she can't lock onto you and commit acts of unspeakable violence.  I'm just letting you know things are SORTA under control and you don't need to panic."

 

>Fluttershy peeks out from under her wings (where she's been hiding for a while now).

>"But... what about the sun and moon?  All the poor creatures will be so confused."

 

>"Oh, no problem.  I'll be handling those.  My boss just cleared it a few minutes ago and I have all the power I need."

>Even Pinkie isn't so far gone or so oblivious that she wouldn't realize how terrifying that sounds.

>She lets a weak chuckle slip out of her as she tries to keep a straight, reassuring face up.

 

>Fluttershy goes back to hiding.

 

>Rarity faints.

 

>Applejack spits "We're doomed." as deadpan as possible.

 

>You turn and look at Dash.

>You can't read her expression, but it's not fear.

 

>"We'll be okay.  I trust her."

 

>Twilight does her best 'are you fucking serious' face.

>"Really?  You think PINKIE can handle it?"

 

>Dash's face is suddenly pretty fucking serious.

>"Yeah.  I do.  There's so much good in this world that I can't bring myself not to believe in her."

 

>"Dash, sentiment's all well and good, but-"

 

>"But nothing!  I'm the element of loyalty, aren't I?  I've been given every reason to trust those I care about.  ESPECIALLY lately.  If Pinkie tells me not to worry... if my FRIEND tells me things will be okay, I'll believe her."

 

>Is Pinkie... crying?

>You're not sure you've ever seen that before.

>It's absolutely heartbreaking.  That smile is the most genuine thing in the world and she's still got tears streaming down her face.

 

>She chokes back a sob.

>"Th...thank you, Dashie.  That... that means a LOT to me right now."

 

>Dash goes steps forward and wraps her in a gentle hug.

>"No problem."

 

>Pinkie pushes Dash off of her and wipes her eyes dry with a hoof.

>"Okay.  I love you all so, SO much, but right now you need to go.  You've been in one place too long already, and if I'm here too it just makes it that much easier for her.  So please, start moving again?  It doesn't even really matter where you go.  We just can't let her find you."

 

>Twilight's ears and eyes jump up.

>"How did YOU find us?"

 

>Pinkie looks away.

>"I know we were just talking about trust, but I can't tell you that.  I swear I will the SECOND it's okay, but right now I can't.  It'd be just as dangerous as revealing the truth about Anon's child."

 

>Twilight closes her eyes, sighs, breathes deeply, then looks back at Pinkie.

>"Okay."

 

>You, Twilight, AJ, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash all set off toward the south as Pinkie disappears in a puff off smoke that almost looks like cotton candy.

>None of you know where your going, how long it'll take to get there, how long you can STAY there, or even when this will all come to an end, but it's okay.

>You have eachother, and that's enough to brighten your day.

 

>Speaking of brightening...

>The sun rises!  It's a little jerkier than it should be, but given she's not even a unicorn, you give Pinkie MAD props for doing as well as she just did.

 

>It's a beautiful day for a walk.

>Applejack and Rarity stay close, but be sure to make some distance everytime you look back at them.

>Fluttershy stays quiet.

>Twilight seems lost in her own little world.  She's probably trying to piece together some answers.

>So what else do you do but sidle up next to Dash and make some conversation?

 

>"'sup?"

>You are the master of smalltalk.

 

>She shrugs.

>"I dunno.  I guess wandering around aimlessly is probably better than everything disintigrating or whatever, but I feel like we should be doing something, y'know?  There's a huge magical threat out there, and we're not doing anything to fight it!  Makes me antsy."

 

>"I wouldn't know much about that.  Didn't really do any world-saving back home."

 

>"You totally should.  You'd be great at it."

 

>You quirk an eyebrow.

 

>"You're the perfect jerk with a heart of gold.  It's like, not even possible for a story with someone like you as the main character to end badly."

 

>You pout.

>"So I'm a jerk, huh?"

 

>"...sorry."

 

>"Aw come on, I'm just fucking around.  Yeah, I'm a jerk.  I'm an asshole.  I'm a dick.  I'm honestly a pretty fucking abominable excuse for a human being.  Just about the only thing I've got going for me is that I can belch the alphabet."

 

>Dash gives a soft smile.

>"Heh, two things.  One?  That's not gonna work.  You and I both know you don't suck THAT bad.  And two?"

>She breathes in and belches out a big, long, "a."

>Then rears back for a "b."

 

>"Okay, okay, point taken.  I'm 100% useless because the only skill I have, the one thing I can do that I've dedicated years of my life to perfecting, you can pull of without a day of practice."

 

>She laughs.

>"Who says I've never practiced?"

 

>"OF COURSE!  IT'S ALL SO SIMPLE!"

 

>What's Twilight shouting about now?

 

>"I know how that happened.  You told me the whole story.  You were standing on your toilet and you were hanging a clock, and you fell and you hit your head on the sink.  And that's when you came up with the idea for the flux capacitor,"

>Her excitement dies down.

>"...which is what makes time travel possible," she says as she slumps to the ground.

 

>"You okay, Twilight?"

 

>"I... I don't know.  Suddenly everything was so clear to me, but then the second I started trying to say anything it was like my brain was replaced with a baked potato and I just started spouting nonsense.  I don't even remember what I just figured out, but I KNOW it was something we needed to know!"

 

>"That... doesn't sound good.  Any accompanying dizziness?  Headaches?"

 

>She shakes her head.

>"No, nothing.  I was completely fine.  Just busy trying to figure out this whole mess.  I had an epiphany, which isn't that unusual, but then it melted on its way down to my mouth and I swear I could even TASTE it."

 

>"A stroke?"

 

>"I don't think so.  I guess I don't know what to think.  Maybe I'm going crazy from all this nonsense?"

 

>Hmmm...

>You're not sure how.  You're not sure why.  Maybe you've just read too much shitty fanfiction and can see these sorts of plot twists coming, but for once you think you understand something that Twilight doesn't.

>It's the stupidest thing you've EVER heard, but it's so crazy it just might make sense.

>You think you know how Pinkie knows where you all are, and if you're right you can't tell Twilight.

>She'd flip out and reject it because she hasn't realized it yet.

>And because it is the dumbest plot-twist in human or equine history.