Complete Bullshit - Part 3

THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT - PT3

 

>You, Dash, you, Dash, and the horrible witch are all stunned into several seconds of silence.

>What just happened?  Ponies don't vanish into thin air like that!

>Even magical crap like Twilight's teleportation isn't THAT abrupt.  There's a spark or a flash and a little wave of energy to signal the event, but here there was nothing.

>Pinkie started to fall, and just a little before she was impaled on the jagged remains of a once-proud broomstick, she ceased being.

 

>The witch's gaze slowly drifts across the room, resting only momentarily on each of its occupants before settling on future you.

>"Where did she go?"

>Her voice is eerily calm.

 

>"I wouldn't tell you if I knew."

 

>A fire lights in her eyes and the once seemingly noble, then revealed to be alternatingly cowardly and eccentric but eventually restored to partially noble "Batman" is dragged across the floor in a pale blue cloud of energy.

>He comes to a stop just a few feet from her hooves.

>"Then you are of no use to me."

>She smiles at you.

 

>The unbearable agony returns in full force and your senses quickly start to blur.

>After an undoubtedly short but apparently infinite stretch of suffering and screaming, your vision swims back into focus to reveal that your right arm is going straight through future you's chest.

>You can briefly feel the last beat of his heart in your hand before the writhing flames encasing your limb remove the ability to sense anything but pain.

 

>In a blink of light, she disappears.

>One of the Dashes in the room screams and charges at you, pounding her hooves against you as she wails something incomprehensible to you.

>She might very well be perfectly clear, but it's hard to know anything for certain.

>You aren't even sure if you can detect her blows against such immense background sensation.

>The fire on your arm dies, but the pain does not.

>You stand, unable to find the courage or strength to move as Dash spends all her energy attacking you in vain.

 

>The other Dash shakes herself out of her stunned stupor and moves to restrain your assailant.

>She doesn't resist.

>She doesn't speak.

>She does cry.

 

>You bolt upright, startled by the room you're in.  The bed is soft and the light is bright.

>Fluttershy rises from the seat on against the wall and steps softly to your side.

>"Oh good.  You're awake."

 

>"What... what happened?"

 

>She casts her eyes down to the floor and refuses to meet your gaze.

>"A lot.  We can talk about it soon."

 

>You glance around the room a bit more, noting the distinctly hospital-like appearance of the place.

 

>"Are you hungry?"

 

>"Yeah... I am."

 

>Before she can respond, a rainbow blur zips through the doorway and slams to the floor next to your bed.

>"He can eat later.  He's up, and I need answers.  Tell AJ we're having the meeting early."

 

>Fluttershy squeaks and backs out of the room.

 

>Dash reaches for your arm.

>"Okay Anon, let's go."

>She gives it a light tug.

 

>"Uh... where are we going?"

 

>"To one of Celestia's private conference rooms.  We need to get this junk sorted out pronto!"

>She pulls your arm a little harder.

 

>You swing your legs over the side of the bed and stand up.

>You crack your neck.

>"I don't get a choice?"

 

>She moves around you, planting the top of her head firmly against your leg, and starts pushing you across the floor.

>Your bare feet provide surprisingly little traction.

>"Not a chance."

 

>Apparently you're in a medical wing of Canterlot Castle.

>You've never been, but the intricate tapestries are a dead giveaway.

>Well that and Celestia's private conference rooms.

>This can't possibly go badly.

>With you cooperating and walking rather than being pushed, the two of you made it pretty across the castle grounds.

>Dash noses open the door and you're greeted by the sight of Celestia herself seated at one end of a rather ornate table.

>The door swings quietly closed.

>You stand and gawk for only two or three seconds before grabbing a seat at random.

>Dash follows you in and sits next to you.

 

>A tense silence hangs in the air until Twilight steps into the room and takes the seat directly to Celestia's right.

>"Who are we waiting for, aside from the obvious?"

 

>"One court magician and one royal guard."

>Celestia's serene smile doesn't waver.

 

>silence reigns again for several minutes until a decrepit old unicorn stallion shuffles into the room.

 

>You open your mouth.

>"What exactly-"

 

>Celestia closes her eyes.

>"Patience, Anon."

 

>Applejack and Fluttershy quietly file into the room and sit across from you and Dash.

 

>Twilight nods her head at them.

 

>A stallion in golden armor marches to the seat directly opposite Celestia.

 

>Ten more seconds of silence pass before Celestia clears her throat.

>"Shall we begin?"

 

>No.  No you shall not.

>Suddenly, Pinkie Pie.

>Remember the way she popped out of sight?

>She just did that in reverse and is now standing on the table.

>"EVERYP0NY LISTEN UP!  WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY ON OUR HOOVES!"

 

>Given the urgency with which she's speaking, and the surprising nature of her arrival, the room remains quiet, waiting for her proclamation.

 

>"Anon here is a virgin!"

 

>WAT.

 

>Twilight shoots her an odd look.

>"Pinkie, I'm really glad you're okay and I have a lot of questions for you but that is neither an emergency nor appropriate!"

 

>"Au contraire madame smartypants.  It is EXACTLY an emergency.  The timeline is falling apart and we absotively-posolutely have to fix it before something really bad happens!  If you thought Antevorta was awful before, just wait until you see her get what she wants!"

 

>"Antewho?"

 

>"Speaking of, we should all probably get out of here.  Like, RIGHT NOW before she crashes this little party."

 

>The guardpony jolts up.

>"That psycopath is headed HERE?"

 

>Pinkie nods vigorously.

>"Yup.  So, um, run?"

 

>Celestia's eyes widen.

>"I must defend the holding cell.  Quick Draw, with me.  Scroll, return to your quarters.  Pinkie,"

>She gulps, and you swear you see a bead of sweat run down her forehead.

>"I entrust the safety of the others to you."

 

>Well that makes you feel secure, now doesn't it?

 

>As you and the mane six... err... five?  Where's Rarity in all this?

>Whatever.  Rarity is worst pony.

>As you and five equines barrel down the halls of the castle and the various secret passages within and underneath it, you manage a few wheezing questions and answers.

>Twilight tells you that future Dash was contained for fear of her actions altering the timeline.

>Sounds like that cat has already shit in the bag so much it was pushed out by fecal pressure.

>Pinkie tells you that a descendant of yours invents time travel and so if anything there gets screwed up, everything gets wrecked.

>She doesn't outright SAY it, but she heavily implies that this means you fuck a pony later.

>Deep in some shame-encrusted corner of your mind, you pump your fist and whoop.

>You all turn another corner in the long, crazy tunnel you most recently ran into.  By now you have to be fifty miles from the damn castle.  Where the hell do all these passages let out?

 

>Twilight heaves more air into her lungs.

>"So... does this mean Anon and I...?"

 

>Pinkie seems completely unphased by all the running.

>"Can't actually tell you that.  All I can say is that whether he and you end up doing the eighty five degree twist or not, that little date you had was totally super important."

 

>You briefly consider Twilight...

>No you don't.

>"Hey, so rather than speculate about my love life - which if I'm understanding correctly we can't actually risk confirming or denying any possibilities thereof - can we get some other answers?"

 

>"Sure!  Like what?"

 

>"Like you.  The thing where you were gonna die and then you didn't and then you materialized on the table?"

 

>"Oh, THAT?  That's easy.  I'm from the future!"

 

>Of fucking course.  It's ALWAYS the goddamn future.

 

>Before you get the chance, Twilight snaps.

 

>"Elaborate.  Now!"

 

>Maybe you should consider her afterall...

 

>"What more is there to say?  I went back to the future right before I bought the farm and then came right back as soon as I could."

 

>"Okay, yeah, but the future?  Since WHEN?"

 

>Pinkie's face scrunches in thought.

>"I'm not very good at math, but I think the answer is technically forever?  In your time, there was no Pinkie Pie.  I'm an agent.  A sort of "time cop", if you will, sent back to protect the timeline.  Since you girls always seem to be at the center of huge disasters, we figured it'd be a good idea to station somep0ny nearby and I drew the short straw.  Lucky for me size doesn't matter, because you girls are amazing!"

 

>Twilight shakes her head.

>"I can't believe what I'm hearing.  I mean, that literally raises more questions than it answers!"

 

>"Sure does!  The answers are yes, yes, yes, no, maybe, no, not until Tuesday, yes, six hundred and twelve, cinammon, and I don't know."

 

>Twilight stares straight ahead with a vacant expression and doesn't say a word.

 

>"Oh, and also yes.  My Pinkie Sense is exactly what you think it is."

 

>Dash shoots ahead of the group and turns around to face Pinkie.

>"Where exactly are we going?"

 

>Pinkie skids to a halt.

>"I dunno, I thought I was following you!"

 

>"I was BEHIND you!"

 

>"Yeah, I know.  I kept thinking you had no idea where you were going!"

 

>Twilight, Dash, and Applejack all facehoof as the group comes to a stop and pools back together.

 

>"So does ANYp0ny have a plan?  At all?  For dealing with what's her name?"

 

>"I don't think so.  And besides, Dash, how can we plan for a threat we know next to nothing about?  Pinkie, can you tell us about Antevorta?"

 

>"What's there to tell?  She's a maniacal deity that exists outside of time who doesn't like it when mortals mess with the natural order of events.  I may have made a teeny-tiny oopsie with some bees a while back that got her attention, and now she wants to stamp out Anon and smooth over all the wrinkles he's made in the space-lime gymnasium.  But like I said before, she's no good at Laughs or Love and I don't think she has enough of a gender to be a Lesbian."

 

>"Okay, fine, so that's her goal.  But what's ours?  Haven't we already shit all over the timeline enough that the future is ruined anyway?"

 

>"Yes.  But also no.  Y'see, the thing about that is HEYLOOKOVERTHERE!"

 

>You're a gullible idiot, so you turn and look.  When you look back, Pinkie's gone.

>"Awesome.  Would I be right if I said we're lost?"

 

>Twilight looks around the area.

>"Yes."

 

>"Great!  Fucking great!  Let's just set up camp here then and wait to be destroyed by a monster from beyond time!"

 

>Applejack finally says something.  It was starting to look like she'd gone mute or something.

>"Now wait jes' one second.  We're the Elements of Harmony, remember?  We got the strongest magic this side 'o anythang, and I'll be darned if some outdated and irrelevant diefic reference is gonna scare me!  I say we set up camp and wait for her to come to us, then pow.  Right on the nose."

 

>Why is it that every time some awful suggestion comes up, you end up sliding right into it like you never even considered alternatives?

>Like, the parts of your life where you'd debate the pros and cons of something and discuss alternate solutions are entirely stripped out and you just move straight from dumb idea to ITOLDYOUTHISWASADUMBIDEALOOKWHATHAPPENSNOW?

>You're camping in the tunnel.

>You're lying awake in your "tent" constructed out of the various fabrics Rarity was carrying.

>What do you mean Rarity wasn't with you?  Of course she was, don't be ridiculous.

>A small rustle shakes the entrance flap to your tent and a figure enters.

 

>"Anon?  Can we talk?"

 

>"I guess?  What's up, Dash?"

 

>"I, uh, okay... how do I say this..."

 

>"Just do it.  After all the shit that's gone down recently, I really doubt you can surprise me."

 

>"Okay then... here goes.  I think we should do it."

 

>"Do what?"

 

>"Um... IT."

 

>whyboner.jpg