Assorted Tales (WiP) (7/19/2012)

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ASSORTED TALES - Updated - July 19th, 2012

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[Anon, rartiy, sweetiebelle and the Slowness]

 

>One day Anon was laying in Rarity's bed because he had casual sex the night before with her sister Sweetie Belle (WHO WAS NOW AN ADULT MARE, jeez)

>anon and rarity were super sleepy and didnt want to get out of bed

>Rarity was still ticked off at her sister and you because you put all your love juices in her bed sheets

>rarity is a clean and neat mare and she doesnt like cum everywhere

>you dont get it

 

>then rarity got out of bed and walked over to her sowing machine and statered making dresses

>suddenly the sowing machine had smoke and made weird noises which made you feel bad

>sweetie belle woke up and was like

>"RARITY whyy is your SOWING machine so FUCKING broke I'm trying to get some POST COITAL sleep OKAY??"

>rariy replied

>"Im sorry SWEETIE BELLE but I have to make these dresses for Scootaloo's dance recital and the sowing machine is making THE THREAD REALLY SLOW to go through the machine!!

>it was then you niticed that tons of your and Sweetie belles cum had caked the machine and now it was broken forever because of your man sauce and Sweetie belles marehood JUICES

 

 

 

[the meanie boys who were meanies]

 

>be femanon

>you are in eqestria

>holy shit there is a bunch of colts surrounding you

>they start throwing stones at you with their mouths

>OW

WHYY

>ur ugly and a liar

WHATTT

>ur not a filly your a monster

NO!!! I humAN!

 

>they keep throwing stones

>then big mac came and beat them up with his back hind kickers

>he was all:

>"Sorry femanon you are so pretty to me"

Why you make me blush handsome horse???

>"It cuz you have hands and theyre sexy and fine, they are good for picking apples. so exssentially I want to mate somep0ny with a better way to survive making my attraction purely darwinian!"

Wow your so smart and that makes my humanhood wet like no tomaorrw

>you went home and became a lover concubine of big mac

 

 

 

[Anon and the conversation]

 

>one day you were having a conversation with your girlfriend Rainbow Dash

>she was all about the wonderbolts and said they were the best damned flyers in Equestria

>you were like: NOPE and said that the fleather flingers were faster and cooler and better

>she was all: ur a fag for thinking so!

 

>then flutterslutterrapistshy came over and was getting horny due to your smells

>you didnt mind it, typical fluttershhy

>she tried to come into the conversation and say some stuff but was ignored

>then she got mad and was like THIS CONVERSATION IS FULL OF SAMEFAGS

>what?

>FS:"yeah, you guys keep talking but it's ONLY you guys it's so gay."

>what?

 

 

 

[Silver Spoon and the witch]

 

>you're blasting through ponyville on scootaloo's scooter

>you stole that gay kid's shit when she wan't looking

>you fly by Sugarcube corner and almost shank Pinkie Pie

>PP:"Watch it you double nigger!"

>that's some mouth on her

>you turn around to give her the finger

>you weren't looking and you crashed into a mare

>it was adult Diamond Tiara

>you say was, because she is dead now

>she was dead on impact, didn't feel a thing

 

>her friend Silver Spoon comes up to you and is like:

>SS:"Thank you for freeing me from that witch's clutches! She has brainwashed me from youth to follow her bidding."

You follow my bidding now.

>SS:"Okay."

Take off your panties.

>SS:"I'm not wearing clot--"

>before she can finish her sentence you have already masturbated at super sonic speeds and are cumming

>your cumshot is going toward her eye

>it's blocked by her sexy blue glasses

>DAYM FOILED AGAIN

 

 

 

[Anon and Fluttershy during the interdasting critique]

 

>you were at fluttershy's glorious estate

>she was now rich off of the publishment of her book about marehoods and rape technique

>she was asking for critique from her friends

>Twi:"THIS BOOK IS AMAZING BECAUSE IT IS A BOOK!"

>AJ:"What is this new fangled PAGER thingie majig? It helps rape techniques?? I'm already the best, honest!"

>Rarity:"Honestly darling, this diagram of the marehood is brilliant! It fully shows the grace of my folds!"

>Spike:"I am 12 and what is marehood?"

>PP:"I don't need to rape! I give a bad review!"

>RD:"It's not like I used this book to rape Anon or anything *blush*"

 

>They all turn to you

>you didn't find it impressive, or a promotion of your future anal health

Honestly, it is not as entertaining as, say, the Ab Urbe Condita. It is merely an extension of her personal goals. This view makes clear the vanity of Fluttershy. When we use marxist theory, in particular the structures of feeling by Raymond Williams, it becomes even more clear that Fluttershy is a puppet of ideology. Her thoughts devolve from emergent superstructures into dominant ones around page 453. Her ideology on marehoods comes from antiquated notions and superstitions and her venture into banana republic politics was an odd, yet refreshing turn. However, we are all puppets of ideology according to Louis Althusser, so there is no use arguing this fact. What becomes readily apparent about Fluttershy's writings on rape is that she ignores the basic foundations of Plato's forms. In particular, she completely overlooked the allegory of the cave, a basic truth. In all, I think her book is shit.

>all of the ponies clap except Twilight

>FS:"I... I think you're right Anon... I think?

Of course I am.

>Twi:"AHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

 

 

[rainbro dash and the bro who was a tai quan do master]

 

>ur at the aisa market in poniville

>fluttershy is ther

>shes a rapist on parole

>her parole officer is buying oranges and isn;t looking at her

>OH SHIT NIG NOGS! WHATS GONNA HAPPEN????

>she carges at you with fearsum nija weapons

>she has a ninja star fly out of her mouth

>HOLY SHIT

>its coming right for your legs so she can rape you when you cnat walk

>shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

>RAINBOW DASH COMES IN THROUGH THE WINDOWWS

>crash

>oh man there she is

>super sexy DASH

>she does a super kick to fluttershy's DUMB face and she goes flying out the asia market

>her parole officer was lik HOLY POOP

>(he just had kids of his own and is trying to curb his swearing)

>RD:"WHAT A FAG. U can swear if u want

yeah. heh... faggot

>Rainbow dash picks you up like a hero and uses her webslinging powers to carry you home

>ur just like mary jane from that movie

>what a bro

 

 

 

[AppleREAP and the hundred apple dilemma]

 

>ur running through a cornfield

>AppleREAP is chasin ur DUMBASS

>u thro the corn at her and to doesnt butch her advancings

>SHITTTT

>suddenly ur on her farm

>no

>its her home turf and ur now running through the apple orchard

>>you pull out your laser rifle

>EAT THIS BITCHHH HAHAHAH

>you shoot a high powerd laser right at AppleREAP

>she eats the laser and shits out bananas

>NO! NOT AGAIN

>AJ:"MORE ENERGY FOR THE REAP"

>ur super scared

>you shit your pants

>shes running way faster now

>ur not looking where ur going

>FUKKKKKK

>you run into a apple tree

>APPLES EVERYWHERE

>ApplePEAP is confuse

>shes looking at the poopy you and the nice clean apples in need of eating

>shes sweating lasers

>you need to dodge to survive

>she sits down and iches her balls

>her ballsack has a huge mole on it you never noticed before

>while shes distracted you put your invisibility cloak on and get the hell out of there

 

[Futashy and the Jew]

 

>ur at temple with your jewish friend Twilight Sparkle

>she's quite the chutzpah, she thinks she knows everything

>Yahweh wouldn't take kindly to her arrogance

>it'll bring a plague on her house one day

>she has that shikse friend Rarity with her today

>she just wants to marry into a Jewish family for the money

>she's far too bitchy to get one of our good jewish lawyers though

>all of a sudden, Fluttershy busts in the door

>she yells

>FS:"I NEED A CIRCUMCISION!"

>the rabbi, doctor hooves, exclaims

>DH:"Where's your baby colt? Ya left 'im at home?"

>FS:"NO! I need MY penis circumcised!"

>she points to her large throbbing boner

>it has a bit of shmutz on it

>DH:"Oy vey"

 

>the rabbi gets his circumcision gear out

>Flutterhsy lays on the ground

>she's ready

>the rabbi takes his knife and starts to get to work

>it's too bad hes a total klutz and he cuts the head of her penis off

>FS:"OW!"

Mishegas!

 

 

 

[Murder Anon and Futtershy's secret]

 

>you are muderer anon

>you love to murder

>there are ponies everywhere to murder

>Pinkie Pie is your first target

>you go to her house and ask for a cup of sugar

>she gives you sugar

>you throw it in her face

>PP:"Ouch!"

>you try to stab Pinkie Pie but the knife doesn't penetrate

WHATTTTT?

>PP:"I am super sayian

>She powers up

>PP:"This super sayian 2

>she powers up

>she screams and yells

>PP:"this super sayian 3. Now I am ultimite

You are powerfull How can I be lieke  you massa

>you must be of the sayian race like Pinkie Pie

Oh no.

>PP:"I am a sayian of royal blood. The princess of all sayians. imagine my humilation when it was you not me who reached the pinapple of our race. The first super sayian.

What?

>Fluttershy is behind you

>she super sayian as well

>PP:"I've come back to take my rightfull throne and be the bes super sayian."

>FS:"WHAT ABOUT TRUNKS???

>PP:"I need no family any more.

>they fight and destroy equestria in the crossfire

>you murder Rarity but only after you found out she was a vampire.

 

 

 

[Octavia and the racist Anon]

 

>Octavia was at the mall drinking coffee

>you are racist Anon

>you are racist

>you are at the food court when you see Octavia

>she is gray

>you can't stand that shit

>she must be pure white like the driven snow

>Rarity is your waifu

>there's a police car outside my house

>no, really, there's a police car outside of BettySpaghetti's house

>her neighbors smoke weed, she knows that

>maybe they're dealers

>anywho, you see Octavia's gray fur and get buttmad

>holy fuck

>you run up to Octavia and knock that bullshit coffee out of her magical grip

GO BACK TO MEXICO, MULATTO.

>Otva:"Excuse me?!"

Let me speak in a manner you will understand. Leaveo backo to Mexico-o

>Otva:"I'm the royal cello player! This is outrageous..."

Madre de dios

>she doesn't understand your mud-language imitation

>you flip the table

>now she's scared

>you pull a knife

>Otva:"Y-you're right! I AM a mudblood!"

>she pulls out a wand

>Otva:"Expelliarmus!"

>she knocks you back with the spell

>you pull out your invisibility cloak and get out of there

 

 

 

[Anonymous and the internet reviewer]

 

>you are on the internet

>you go to thatponywiththeglasses.com

>you see some shitty reviews by a loud screechy pony

>he tries to let's play

>it's fucking awful

>you try to escape

>you go to the FYE in the mall

>Twilight Sparkle is there

>she won't stop talking to you about her favorite reviewer from thatponywiththeglasses.com

>you'll never escape

>you kill yourself

>hell is thatponywiththeglasses.com

>bad end

 

 

 

[Gay basher in equestria]

 

>you are gay basher anon

>you hate the gays

>you are in equestria

>it seems like lesbians are all around you

>they are everywhere in ponyville

>you secretly murdered Lyra and Bonbon

>you are a wanted criminal

>ok, maybe it wasn't so secret

>sue me

>ok maybe you publicly hanged Lyra and shot Bonbon with a rifle

>so what?

>you are a sick man who doesn't into empathy

>you give no fucks

>Pony police have tracked you down

>you are in a building

>the police have you surrounded

>they want to have you come peacfully

>they send your lover, Fluttershy, inside to calm you down

>FS:"Anon! You need to stop your crazy rampage!"

No! The gays will never leave. They will always haunt me!

>FS:"But Anon... you ARE the gays."

>just then, Fluttershy revealed that she was, in fact, Futashy and had a huge spotted stallion cock

>and then you were the gays

>also, you were killed in prison, you sick fuck

 

 

 

[Snoopdog in equestria]

 

>Rainbow Dash was flyin' around when she saw a huge explosion

>she went to investigate

>she sees you

>you are snoopdog

>you like to smoke weed

>you are also black

>RD:"Who are you??!!"

I am snoopdog, dog.

>RD:"Wow... you look like a big monkey thing!"

WHAT YOU CALL ME BITCH??

>RD:"Monkey?"

YOU RACIST

>RD:"Here, have some weed."

Aw yea, niggah.

>you smoke dat shit

>it's too weak to get you high

Pony weed sucks, dog.

>RD:"Yeah. I know."

>all of a sudden, RacistAnon shows up

>RD:"Oh no! it's RacistAnon!"

I got this.

>you pull out your gat

>riddle that bitch full of holes

>smoke the rest of your weed with Rainbow Dash

Smoke weed erryday

>you go to ponyland and go on the logfume

 

 

 

[Racist Anon and the Zebra]

 

>you are racist Anon

>you are racist

>one million years ago you were shot to death by Snoopdog

>an ancient evil awakens

>you're in a hut full of voodoo faggotry

WHAT THE FUCK

>a zebra walks in

>you start foaming at the mouth

>Zec:"There is no need to foam. I have taken you into my home."

LISTEN NIGGERHORSE I--

>Zec:"You were badly hurt, out of your face a lot of blood did squirt. I fixed you to health, with great stealth. You are wanted by the police, but I just want peace."

You... saved me?

>Zec:"Indeed I did and I kept you hid."

>you notice there are bandages over your face

>Zec:"I had to perform surgery right away, to keep your death at bay."

>you pull off the bandages one by one

>you look in the mirror

>you are now Denzel Washington

NOOOOOOOOOO

>Zec:"I think you look much sexier this way, before you looked downright gay."

>you are racist Anon

>you are now racist against white people

 

 

 

[AppleREAP and the time she lost her sister to REAP)

 

>6.307x10^9 seconds in equestria

>AppleREAP is on your tail

>you don't have a real tail because you are a human and not a pony

>you are Anon

>you are not racist

>anywho, you run up to the local arcade for shelter from AppleREAP

>the owner is afraid of you because he was REAPED by AppleREAP not too long ago

>suddenly a dude playing Mortal Combat turns to you

>Gamr:"Get out of the store! I don't want no trabble!"

>holy shit, it's Jackie Chan

>he has a baby

>why is he holding a ladder?

 

>APPLEREAP BUSTS IN

>AR:"I'mma gonna REAP YOU

>no

>you get behind jackie chan

>it doesn't work

>Jackie Chan is REAPED by AppleREAP

>oh no

>your only hope

>the owner comes up to you

>it's Gandalf

>Gdlf:"There never was much hope."

>...

>Gdlf:"Just a fool's hope."

 

 

 

http://www3.indiegogo.com/Equestria

 

[Anon on Equestria Island]

 

>be rich trust fund babby

>have autism

>fund Island of Equestria indigogo page with $7,500

>intricately model the island to your vision over the internet

>finally!

>it's time for your tour

>you get to the island via hovercraft

>you step onto the pier

>you look around

>nothing is like you envisioned

>the monument to Celestia is made of cardboard

>there is no MLP fleshlight vendor

>Colton C, project manager, is standing opposite to you on the pier

>Colt:"Grab him, boys."

>ninjas jump out of the water and club you over the head

 

>you wake up in a harness

>you're hanging upsidedown over a vat of fluids

>it looks like cum

>Colt:"As I'm sure you are aware, this was a trap. What you see below you is  300 liters of horse semen."

>you try to speak through your ball-gag, but it's no use

>Colt:"The money you provided us was enough to hire hundreds of illegal mexicans to jerk off horses. I was also used to ship these 300 liters undetected to the island."

>you manage to spit the gag out

WHY?

>Colt:"I am going to cast a spell... and go home..."

>Colton C lifts a salad bowl over his head

>he dumps the contents into the horse semen vat

>the spaghetti is soon lost in the squelching sea of horse spunk

>Colt:"Now for the final ingredient..."

>he presses a button and a machine comes out of the ceiling and cuts your stomach open

>spilling your guts

>he presses another button and you are lowered into the vat

>before you submerge, Colton C jumps into the vat with you

 

>you wake up in Everfree forest

>Fluttershy is with you

>FS:"Are you okay?"

>she's patting your stomach

>...

How did you know I was injured?

>Fluttershy panics and hits you over the head, knocking you out

 

 

 

[Flutterrapist on Day 300]

 

>day 300 in equestria

>there's a knock on your door

>I WONDER WHICH PONY IT COULD BE?

>oh it's derpy

>Derp:"I brought you a letter!"

>I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE FROM!

>oh it was Twilight

>it says that you have a scheduled appointment with the purple smartpony

>you grab your coat and make your way to the library

>on the way, you notice some bushes rustling

>this rustles your jimmies

>you notice a Pink tail poking out of the bush

>OH BOY

>out pops Pinkie Pie

>oh

>PP:"GOTCHA!"

>she caught a bug

>she stuffs it into her pocket

>where do ponies get pockets?

>you arrive at Twilight's library

>Twi:"We're doing your monthly health check up. Take a seat over there."

>you do

>Twi:"Now, I've got somep0ny else to do the checkup this time. She's a really kind pony and I think you've met before. Meet..."

>OH SHIT NIGGAH

>Twi:"Nurse Redheart."

>RedH:"Yes! Nice to see you again, Anon!"

>oh

 

>the checkup is over

>you slowly make your way to your house

>a police pony gallops over to you

>Cop:"Anon! Come quick. Your special s0mepony just tried to commit suicide!"

Who?

>Cop:"Fluttershy!"

She's not my marefriend, but where is she?!

>Cop:"Come! Follow me!"

 

>Fluttershy is in the hospital

>she tried to hang herself

>it's weird

>you never saw her as attractive before, but now you do

>maybe you're a bit fucked up

>it's okay, she's a bit fucked up too

>you realize that you were meant for each other

 

>you lived happily ever after