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Neckbeard in Horseland 3: Finale

By: Zuul on Jul 24th, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 12.66 KB | hits: 107 | expires: Never

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>"Defib."
>"Two hundred."
>"And clear."
>ZAP
>"No response."
>"Recharge, let's go again."
>"Go ahead."
>"Charging."
>"And clear."
>ZAP
>"No response."
>"Let's recharge and do it one more time. And clear."
>ZAP
"AaaahhHbGGAg!! What the FUCK are you doing to me?"
>"He's alive!"
>"Congratulations doctor."
>You are Derrick the neckbeard and you are lying on a gurney in a hospital surrounded by doctors.
>One of them holds a pair of defibrilator paddles over your bare chest.
"What have you done??!!"
>The doctor smiles at you with tears of joy glistening in his kind eyes.
>"We saved your life, sir."
"You faggot, I was just about to lose my kissless virginity! To a PONY!"
>"You had no pulse, Derrick. It's a miracle you're alive!"
>You spit in his face.
>Three hours later, you're chilling in a hospital bed.
>The hospital is allowing you to use a laptop and you are using it to look at My Little Pony porn.
>The doctor who saved your life enters the room.
>"You have a visitor, Derrick."
"Augh, what? Can't he see I'm busy? Okay, send him in."
>A man with a devious smile enters the room and sits on a chair beside your bed.
"Hello, Derrick. I'm Howard Stern."
>"What do you want?"
"Can you explain to me what a clopper is?"
>"Yeah, it's a person who masturbates to My Little Pony. We make up at least 90% of the Brony community."
>"And can you tell us a bit about yourself?"
"Like most Bronies, I have pretty much dedicated my life to My Little Pony. I have memorized all the dialogue from each episode and spend all of my money on pony merchandise, including sex toys and baby clothes. I can't do anything (besides watching the show) without thinking: 'I could be watching My Little Pony right now'. Also, I'm unemployed and unloved by my family."
>"What is the most attractive part of a pony?"
"Easy. The crotchtits."
>"And can you sing the theme song for me?"
"Fine. My little pony, my little pony, aaaaaaaaah. My little pony, I used to wonder what friendship could be..."
>Howard Stern waits until you are finished, then puts away his microphone and leaves.
"It is nice to see people interested in the brony community."
>It is 11:00 pm.
>You are lying awake in bed.
>What the doctor said is starting to concern you.
>He told you that you had no pulse, that you had a brush with death.
>Every time you injure yourself to transport yourself to Equestria, you are actually doing a lot of irreversible damage to your body.
>What happens if you die here on Earth?
>Is it worth the risk?
>Wat do?
>Before you woke up in the hospital, Pinkie Pie had made you feel loved for the first time in your life.
>Never returning to Equestria is unthinkable.
>Entirely out of the question.
>You must go back and reunite with Pinkie Pie.
>You must.
>You get out of bed and creep over to the window.
>It slides open with little difficulty.
>You feel the cool night air blowing on your face.
"I have to do this."
>You climb up onto the edge and look down at the ground.
>It's a four story drop.
>If you do this, it will kill you, but it's worth it if it gets you back to Pinkie Pie.
>"Derrick?"
>You turn your head and see the doctor who saved your life standing in the doorway.
>"Derrick, what the hell do you think you're doing? Get down from there!"
"I have to do this!!"
>"No! Think about this! Please" there are tears in his eyes.
"You don't understand, doctor. My life here is meaningless. I'm fat. Useless. Unproductive. No one cares about me. When I jump, this hell will be over."
>"It's not too late to turn your life around. Please don't jump. I care about you."
"Sorry, doc."
>Before you have time to reconsider, you dive.
>The sidewalk rushes up to meet you in slow motion, then it's gone.
>Everything is gone.
>It worked.
>You feel grass against your face and the familiar flowery smell of Equestria.
>Also you smell smoke.
>That's not right.
>You get to your feet and look around.
>Ponyville is in ruins.
>The town hall looks like it did in season 2 episode 9: 'The Last Roundup', when Derpy Hooves accidentally destroyed it.
>But this is no accident.
>The rest of the town is in an equally shitty state.
>It's on fire and it's empty.
>Nop0ny is here.
>Not that it would make any difference if they were.
>You're always alone; nobody cares about you, nobody respects you or admires you.
>You've never done anything to earn anyone's respect or admiration.
>You've never been of any use to anyone.
>You're alone and you deserve it.
>You see movement among the wreckage.
>A dark shape that turns out to be pink when you get a good look at it.
>You would recognize that shade of pink anywhere!
"Pinkie Pie!"
>She's hopping towards you joyfully with a huge smile on her face.
"Pinkie Pie! You're here!"
>"I'm so happy to see you, Anon!"
"What happened here? Where is everyp0ny?"
>"I love you, Derrick!"
"Yes, but wha-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"But-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"What happ-"
>"Do you love me too?"
>... She's acting strange.
"Pinkie, I-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"Yes. Of course."
>She licks her lips.
"Pinkie, what happened here?"
>"I'm not feeling your LOVE, Anon. I'm only sensing fear and sadness."
"... Yes, well. I'm in a dark place right now. I feel useless and... ashamed. I feel like I'm on a treadmill, and no matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I try, I'm never gonna get anywhere."
>"Implying you know what it feels like to be on a treadmill."
"I feel so alone. You're the only one in my life who cares about me."
>"HA! Yeah..."
"Hold me, Pinkie Pie."
>"Yeah, I don't wanna touch you, Derrick."
"Wh... What?"
>"Look at you. You're a fat, disgusting, nasty pig. You're a waste of space and resources. No one likes you and you're ugly. you need to slit your wrists get pissed and go jump off a bridge."
"Why are you being so mean?"
>Pinkie disappears in a bright flash of green flames and is replaced by a changeling.
>"Did I mention you're gullible? You really think anyone, even Pinkie Pie, could love you? I only pretended to love you so I could get your love in return. You know, because I'm a changeling and I feed on love. I knew that you would instantly fall in love with any female that showed you any attention, so I gave you attention. If you're done giving me love, then I'm done with my little act. Now I'm going to kill you, you ignorant shit."
>You turn and run at a solid 3 miles per hour in the opposite direction.
>The changeling flies into the air and dives at you.
>You throw yourself onto the ground and it shoots past over you.
>You push yourself to your feet and try once more to flee but the changeling is already on you, digging it's teeth into your flesh.
>It's a good thing you have a lot of flesh!
>You throw yourself against a tree, crushing the changeling between the trunk and your fat folds.
>As soon as it releases it's grip on you, you run away again, but the changeling blocks your path.
>It transforms into a FUCKING DRAGON!
>You jump behind a boulder to avoid it's firey breath, like in your many Dungeons and Dragons sessions in years past.
>Woah, did you just compare something to a show other than My Little Pony.
>The changeling knocks away the boulder and transforms into a giant spider.
>You wait for it to pounce, then knock it away with a burning stick.
>If you hadn't swung at the right time, it would have sunk it's venomous fangs into you and ended your life, but you're timing was perfect thanks to your experience playing video games before you became a brony.
>Before you became a brony.
>It's transformed again, this time into a giant walking tree.
>Idiot.
>You toss the burning stick onto it and set it on fire, like Saruman's orks did to the ents in the battle of Isengard.
>The tree turns back into a changeling and retreats.
>You watch it fly off into the everfree forest.
>That was... quite an experience.
>Your pre-brony life flashes before your eyes.
>You watched many shows, played many games, read many books.
>You had friends, a job, a life.
>You were a nerd, but you did it without humiliating yourself and other members of the numerous fan communities you were a part of.
>These memories really put things into perspective for you.
>The doctor's words before you jumped out the window echo in your mind.
>"It's not too late to turn your life around."
>You quickly run off towards the Everfree forest.
>If you can follow that changeling, it will lead you back to the other changelings.
>It's likely that they're responsible for the attack on Ponyville and the capture of it's residents.
>Maybe... Maybe you can save them.
>It won't make up for your past faggotry, but it's a good first step.
>The foolish changeling is flying high above the tree-tops, making it a cinch to follow.
>It's not even going very fast.
>You never made this much of an effort to do anything before.
>It feels good to work towards a goal.
>This motivation, this will, this drive.
>This is what's been missing from your life.
>The sun is setting, and you are nearing your destination.
>The changeling has landed on a mountain top surrounded by other changelings.
>As the sun sets, and you climb up the steep mountain-side, the changelings begin to funnel into a small opening in the rock.
>By the time you reach the tunnel, they have all disappeared inside.
"This is it."
>"Derrick?"
>You turn around and see Fluttershy approaching tentatively.
"Fluttershy?"
>She hides behind her hair. "My cottage is on the edge of town. I had time after the attack started to get away."
"Fluttershy, it's you!"
>"How do you know I'm not a changeling?"
"By the way you behave. A changeling can't act to save it's life. Even their queen. She totally would have succeeded with her plan in season 2 episode 22, 'A Canterlot Wedding' if she had just pretended to be nice to Twilight Sparkle."
>Fluttershy decides not to comment,
"Listen, I know you came all this way to save your friends but it's too dangerous. I'm going to try to save them, you need to go to Canterlot and alert Princess Celestia and the royal guards in case I fail. It's the best chance we have of saving everyp0ny."
>She nods in agreement and flies off at top wing-speed.
>You're alone again.
>The dark tunnel looks even less inviting in the dim light.
>You enter anyway.
>The sound of your footsteps are unheard among the buzzing of a thousand wings.
>You reach the end of the tunnel and behold the room on the other side.
>The massive chamber hollowed out of the mountain is lit by the red glow of a huge volcanic lava pit in the center.
>The space is packed with Chrysalis' entire changeling army.
>Every p0ny from p0nyville is encased in a green cocoon and suspended from the ceiling.
>You know just what to do.
>A convenient hill of softball-sized rocks is beside you at the end of the tunnel.
>Hide in the darkness and take them out one by one to intimidate them, like in Christopher Nolan's masterpiece: Batman Begins.
>You pick up a rock and throw it.
>It hits one of the changelings directly in the head and it falls into the molten lava below, exploding into flames.
>Only a few others notice.
>Before any react, you throw another stone, with the same result.
>It's impossible to miss with this many changelings.
>You have caused a commotion.
>The swarm is in a panic, unsure of where to look for the attacker.
>You throw another rock.
>Hit.
>You keep this up for about half an hour.
>Finally one of the changelings notices you with your stack of projectiles.
>He shouts until the whole crowd is aware of you.
>They dive.
>You hold your ground and keep throwing until the swarm hits you.
>They carry you out of the mountain into the open sky, clawing, biting, and tearing at your flesh.
>The changelings drop you.
>You just hope you bought enough time.
>Not long after, Canterlot's best pegasus soldiers arrive.
>A huge battle takes place.
>The changelings are cought by surprise, and quickly retreat in the end.
>Ponyville's resident ponies are all rescued; there are no casualties among them.
>No one ever finds Derrick the Neckbeard's body lying on the forest floor.
>No one ever knows of his sacrifice.
>Fluttershy was curious about where he went after she left him on the mountainside but no one knew.
>On Earth, Derrick's body lies dead and broken outside the hospital.
>The doctors put him in a body bag and go home to their families.
>All but one.
>Dr. Jack Sterrance stays at the hospital that night.
>He raises a drink in honor of the fallen neckbeard.
"Derrick, you made some mistakes. You did things that made others hate you. But, in the end, you were aware and regretful of your mistakes. You wanted to stop making those mistakes. You made an effort to redeem yourself and succeeded. Rest in peace, Derrick. In life you were a neckbeard. In death you were an hero."
The End.

create a new version of this paste RAW Paste Data

>"Defib."
>"Two hundred."
>"And clear."
>ZAP
>"No response."
>"Recharge, let's go again."
>"Go ahead."
>"Charging."
>"And clear."
>ZAP
>"No response."
>"Let's recharge and do it one more time. And clear."
>ZAP
"AaaahhHbGGAg!! What the FUCK are you doing to me?"
>"He's alive!"
>"Congratulations doctor."

>You are Derrick the neckbeard and you are lying on a gurney in a hospital surrounded by doctors.
>One of them holds a pair of defibrilator paddles over your bare chest.
"What have you done??!!"
>The doctor smiles at you with tears of joy glistening in his kind eyes.
>"We saved your life, sir."
"You faggot, I was just about to lose my kissless virginity! To a PONY!"
>"You had no pulse, Derrick. It's a miracle you're alive!"
>You spit in his face.

>Three hours later, you're chilling in a hospital bed.
>The hospital is allowing you to use a laptop and you are using it to look at My Little Pony porn.
>The doctor who saved your life enters the room.
>"You have a visitor, Derrick."
"Augh, what? Can't he see I'm busy? Okay, send him in."
>A man with a devious smile enters the room and sits on a chair beside your bed.
"Hello, Derrick. I'm Howard Stern."
>"What do you want?"
"Can you explain to me what a clopper is?"
>"Yeah, it's a person who masturbates to My Little Pony. We make up at least 90% of the Brony community."
>"And can you tell us a bit about yourself?"
"Like most Bronies, I have pretty much dedicated my life to My Little Pony. I have memorized all the dialogue from each episode and spend all of my money on pony merchandise, including sex toys and baby clothes. I can't do anything (besides watching the show) without thinking: 'I could be watching My Little Pony right now'. Also, I'm unemployed and unloved by my family."
>"What is the most attractive part of a pony?"
"Easy. The crotchtits."
>"And can you sing the theme song for me?"
"Fine. My little pony, my little pony, aaaaaaaaah. My little pony, I used to wonder what friendship could be..."
>Howard Stern waits until you are finished, then puts away his microphone and leaves.
"It is nice to see people interested in the brony community."

>It is 11:00 pm.
>You are lying awake in bed.
>What the doctor said is starting to concern you.
>He told you that you had no pulse, that you had a brush with death.
>Every time you injure yourself to transport yourself to Equestria, you are actually doing a lot of irreversible damage to your body.
>What happens if you die here on Earth?
>Is it worth the risk?
>Wat do?

>Before you woke up in the hospital, Pinkie Pie had made you feel loved for the first time in your life.
>Never returning to Equestria is unthinkable.
>Entirely out of the question.
>You must go back and reunite with Pinkie Pie.
>You must.

>You get out of bed and creep over to the window.
>It slides open with little difficulty.
>You feel the cool night air blowing on your face.
"I have to do this."
>You climb up onto the edge and look down at the ground.
>It's a four story drop.
>If you do this, it will kill you, but it's worth it if it gets you back to Pinkie Pie.
>"Derrick?"
>You turn your head and see the doctor who saved your life standing in the doorway.
>"Derrick, what the hell do you think you're doing? Get down from there!"
"I have to do this!!"
>"No! Think about this! Please" there are tears in his eyes.
"You don't understand, doctor. My life here is meaningless. I'm fat. Useless. Unproductive. No one cares about me. When I jump, this hell will be over."
>"It's not too late to turn your life around. Please don't jump. I care about you."
"Sorry, doc."
>Before you have time to reconsider, you dive.
>The sidewalk rushes up to meet you in slow motion, then it's gone.
>Everything is gone.


>It worked.
>You feel grass against your face and the familiar flowery smell of Equestria.
>Also you smell smoke.
>That's not right.
>You get to your feet and look around.
>Ponyville is in ruins.
>The town hall looks like it did in season 2 episode 9: 'The Last Roundup', when Derpy Hooves accidentally destroyed it.
>But this is no accident.
>The rest of the town is in an equally shitty state.
>It's on fire and it's empty.
>Nop0ny is here.
>Not that it would make any difference if they were.
>You're always alone; nobody cares about you, nobody respects you or admires you.
>You've never done anything to earn anyone's respect or admiration.
>You've never been of any use to anyone.
>You're alone and you deserve it.

>You see movement among the wreckage.
>A dark shape that turns out to be pink when you get a good look at it.
>You would recognize that shade of pink anywhere!
"Pinkie Pie!"
>She's hopping towards you joyfully with a huge smile on her face.
"Pinkie Pie! You're here!"
>"I'm so happy to see you, Anon!"
"What happened here? Where is everyp0ny?"
>"I love you, Derrick!"
"Yes, but wha-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"But-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"What happ-"
>"Do you love me too?"
>... She's acting strange.
"Pinkie, I-"
>"Do you love me too?"
"Yes. Of course."
>She licks her lips.
"Pinkie, what happened here?"
>"I'm not feeling your LOVE, Anon. I'm only sensing fear and sadness."
"... Yes, well. I'm in a dark place right now. I feel useless and... ashamed. I feel like I'm on a treadmill, and no matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I try, I'm never gonna get anywhere."
>"Implying you know what it feels like to be on a treadmill."
"I feel so alone. You're the only one in my life who cares about me."
>"HA! Yeah..."
"Hold me, Pinkie Pie."
>"Yeah, I don't wanna touch you, Derrick."
"Wh... What?"
>"Look at you. You're a fat, disgusting, nasty pig. You're a waste of space and resources. No one likes you and you're ugly. you need to slit your wrists get pissed and go jump off a bridge."
"Why are you being so mean?"
>Pinkie disappears in a bright flash of green flames and is replaced by a changeling.
>"Did I mention you're gullible? You really think anyone, even Pinkie Pie, could love you? I only pretended to love you so I could get your love in return. You know, because I'm a changeling and I feed on love. I knew that you would instantly fall in love with any female that showed you any attention, so I gave you attention. If you're done giving me love, then I'm done with my little act. Now I'm going to kill you, you ignorant shit."
>You turn and run at a solid 3 miles per hour in the opposite direction.
>The changeling flies into the air and dives at you.
>You throw yourself onto the ground and it shoots past over you.
>You push yourself to your feet and try once more to flee but the changeling is already on you, digging it's teeth into your flesh.
>It's a good thing you have a lot of flesh!
>You throw yourself against a tree, crushing the changeling between the trunk and your fat folds.
>As soon as it releases it's grip on you, you run away again, but the changeling blocks your path.
>It transforms into a FUCKING DRAGON!
>You jump behind a boulder to avoid it's firey breath, like in your many Dungeons and Dragons sessions in years past.

>Woah, did you just compare something to a show other than My Little Pony.
>The changeling knocks away the boulder and transforms into a giant spider.
>You wait for it to pounce, then knock it away with a burning stick.
>If you hadn't swung at the right time, it would have sunk it's venomous fangs into you and ended your life, but you're timing was perfect thanks to your experience playing video games before you became a brony.

>Before you became a brony.

>It's transformed again, this time into a giant walking tree.
>Idiot.
>You toss the burning stick onto it and set it on fire, like Saruman's orks did to the ents in the battle of Isengard.

>The tree turns back into a changeling and retreats.
>You watch it fly off into the everfree forest.
>That was... quite an experience.
>Your pre-brony life flashes before your eyes.
>You watched many shows, played many games, read many books.
>You had friends, a job, a life.
>You were a nerd, but you did it without humiliating yourself and other members of the numerous fan communities you were a part of.
>These memories really put things into perspective for you.
>The doctor's words before you jumped out the window echo in your mind.
>"It's not too late to turn your life around."

>You quickly run off towards the Everfree forest.
>If you can follow that changeling, it will lead you back to the other changelings.
>It's likely that they're responsible for the attack on Ponyville and the capture of it's residents.
>Maybe... Maybe you can save them.
>It won't make up for your past faggotry, but it's a good first step.

>The foolish changeling is flying high above the tree-tops, making it a cinch to follow.
>It's not even going very fast.
>You never made this much of an effort to do anything before.
>It feels good to work towards a goal.
>This motivation, this will, this drive.
>This is what's been missing from your life.

>The sun is setting, and you are nearing your destination.
>The changeling has landed on a mountain top surrounded by other changelings.
>As the sun sets, and you climb up the steep mountain-side, the changelings begin to funnel into a small opening in the rock.
>By the time you reach the tunnel, they have all disappeared inside.
"This is it."
>"Derrick?"
>You turn around and see Fluttershy approaching tentatively.
"Fluttershy?"
>She hides behind her hair. "My cottage is on the edge of town. I had time after the attack started to get away."
"Fluttershy, it's you!"
>"How do you know I'm not a changeling?"
"By the way you behave. A changeling can't act to save it's life. Even their queen. She totally would have succeeded with her plan in season 2 episode 22, 'A Canterlot Wedding' if she had just pretended to be nice to Twilight Sparkle."
>Fluttershy decides not to comment,
"Listen, I know you came all this way to save your friends but it's too dangerous. I'm going to try to save them, you need to go to Canterlot and alert Princess Celestia and the royal guards in case I fail. It's the best chance we have of saving everyp0ny."
>She nods in agreement and flies off at top wing-speed.
>You're alone again.

>The dark tunnel looks even less inviting in the dim light.
>You enter anyway.
>The sound of your footsteps are unheard among the buzzing of a thousand wings.
>You reach the end of the tunnel and behold the room on the other side.
>The massive chamber hollowed out of the mountain is lit by the red glow of a huge volcanic lava pit in the center.
>The space is packed with Chrysalis' entire changeling army.
>Every p0ny from p0nyville is encased in a green cocoon and suspended from the ceiling.
>You know just what to do.
>A convenient hill of softball-sized rocks is beside you at the end of the tunnel.
>Hide in the darkness and take them out one by one to intimidate them, like in Christopher Nolan's masterpiece: Batman Begins.
>You pick up a rock and throw it.
>It hits one of the changelings directly in the head and it falls into the molten lava below, exploding into flames.
>Only a few others notice.
>Before any react, you throw another stone, with the same result.
>It's impossible to miss with this many changelings.
>You have caused a commotion.
>The swarm is in a panic, unsure of where to look for the attacker.
>You throw another rock.
>Hit.

>You keep this up for about half an hour.
>Finally one of the changelings notices you with your stack of projectiles.
>He shouts until the whole crowd is aware of you.
>They dive.
>You hold your ground and keep throwing until the swarm hits you.
>They carry you out of the mountain into the open sky, clawing, biting, and tearing at your flesh.
>The changelings drop you.
>You just hope you bought enough time.


>Not long after, Canterlot's best pegasus soldiers arrive.
>A huge battle takes place.
>The changelings are cought by surprise, and quickly retreat in the end.
>Ponyville's resident ponies are all rescued; there are no casualties among them.
>No one ever finds Derrick the Neckbeard's body lying on the forest floor.
>No one ever knows of his sacrifice.
>Fluttershy was curious about where he went after she left him on the mountainside but no one knew.
>On Earth, Derrick's body lies dead and broken outside the hospital.
>The doctors put him in a body bag and go home to their families.
>All but one.
>Dr. Jack Sterrance stays at the hospital that night.
>He raises a drink in honor of the fallen neckbeard.
"Derrick, you made some mistakes. You did things that made others hate you. But, in the end, you were aware and regretful of your mistakes. You wanted to stop making those mistakes. You made an effort to redeem yourself and succeeded. Rest in peace, Derrick. In life you were a neckbeard. In death you were an hero."

The End.

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